ANA Y1 D7

Yesterday was filled with ups and downs and everything in between. I had a lot of anxiety when I went to bed. I laid there for a good 30 minutes just breathing because I couldn't stop the anxiety. What was the anxiety from? My wife was still awake and in the other room doing stuff. What kind of stuff? Taking a shower and cutting their hair. If that sounds stupid that it caused me anxiety, you're right. It is stupid. See the real issue was that when they were done what were they doing? Who were they chatting with? What were they plotting? That's what my mind kept doing. They went to bed at 11:30, I went to bed at 10:30. A whole hour of devious actions! What? Huh? Yeah. Stupid right? Especially given not more than two hours before *I* was chatting with 3 different people. I was scrolling through matches on a dating site. So why is it okay for me but not them? Why do get to do it but they don't? The answer is I am being stupid. If, and that's an IF, they were doing something why is that any different than what I was doing earlier? I was literally doing the same thing. NEITHER of us is hiding it or being ashamed by it. The simple truth is once more issues with abandonment. Jealousy. Possessiveness. Well get it over dumbass.

On to more important things - I had my doctor appointment yesterday. Love the doctor's office. Love that they are on the cutting edge of transgender health care. They do not use some of the old drugs. Things like spiro which have HORRIBLE long term side effects aren't even considered there. For me, no pills, no patches, just a simple under skin injection. If my blood work comes back fine, next Thursday at 3:30 pm, I will get six tic tacs full of estradiol shot into my fatty ass tissue. I won't have to deal with meds for SIX to EIGHT months. I will have a daily pill for the first 9-12 months of bica, but I can handle that. One pill, once a day. Okay. Not a problem. Other than that, I just let it go. So yeah, this is happening.

I shared everything with the kid last night. She is 100% supportive of me and B. We talked for over an hour on the phone. Was really nice.

Grocery store, therapy, work, scrabble, club. BUSY fucking day and weekend ahead of us.