ANA Y1 D11

 For the first time in a number of days I am waking up without massive crippling anxiety. Why the difference? Hold on to your hats kids, this is going to be a radical answer - COMMUNICATION! WOO! Yeah, all kidding aside, B and I once again talked and talked. I had a breakdown yesterday morning. I was overwhelmed at once again seeing them on a dating app. I just finally let all the anxiety and stress of the last month come out and had the good cry I needed. Plain and simple. I let it all out. God did that help. Plus we talked more about just where each of us is at with this whole thing, who we've been talking to, what's on the immediate horizon, the fact that I have a date on the 13th, they have two potentials lined up as well, just all of it.

But what helped the most is my, yes my not B's, friend came over last night for a few hours. They are just having a bad time with their partner. The word divorce came up 8 times. She needed some support and we were there for her. But more importantly we learned A LOT of what works and doesn't work in these types of relationships. Basically we heard boundary after boundary being broken, double standards being used, control issues, etc. This gave us some more things to talk about. We did put a location app on our phones, we came up with codes for texts, we agreed on more specific boundaries for time, and started talking more about the potential partners. For me this was helpful. I don't need to know the sordid details, but I do need to know just general stuff. It makes the fake shit in my head go away when I know reality. Now sitting here typing this, the anxiety is starting to bubble, but I can control it. I know I can. I know the difference between reality and fantasy. This has got to work. So anything we need to do to make it work, we will. I just need to get over some things. Yesterday I took a lot of big steps towards that.

Plus I also came out to my CEO. I inadvertently have him recorded saying "no matter what, you will never lose your job here due to your gender". That was huge. Plus we are having a big in person thing in the fall and I will be arriving in my preferred state not a fake state. I think getting that out of the way also helped relieve some of my stress.

Today I teach from 12-3 and then am supposed to meet up with a friend for ice cream. If they flake, I am going to group instead. No matter what, I will be doing something tonight to get out of the house. B is going to their friend's for hang time and bonfire but should be home decent time. Time is something we talked about in depth yesterday. We saw from my friend that this was a huge boundary being broken. Friend would ask partner to stick to a midnight curfew but then partner would traipse in at 2 or 3am without being apologetic. When it was reversed and friend had a date, partner would grill them as to the EXACT minute they would be home. This led to me and B setting up codes for this sort of thing. Like if one of us says we will be home by 9, 9:30 comes and we're not home, send a text. If the response is "running late, should be home in an hour" plus any fruit or vegetable emoji, we know it's them and things are good. If there's no emoji, we call. Or if there is a different type of emoji we get in the car and find them. BUT we are still not allowed to be disrespectful and show up HOURS later or past a midnight curfew. Respect and boundaries, the two biggest things that damaged my friend's marriage. We will not make that mistake.