B has been up all night. Why? Their crush rejected them and it's *PARTIALLY* my fault. I won't take full blame, but I will own the part that is mine. Here's the story:
Originally B was scheduled to go to bingo with 2 people, crush and crush friend. Well enroute to bingo crush friend cancels. SO once again b and crush are now on what appears to me to be a date. B messaged me to inform me of the change of plans and I said just that. I straight up said it looks suspicious to me that this is the second time crush made group plans only for the group to turn to two. Was that jealousy rearing it's head? Absofuckinglutely. So B is like do you want to hang out with us? I said yes, I don't want to sit home alone again while you two go out. Well this apparently flustered B so much they confessed to crush and well, got crushed. Not my fault they opened their mouth. It's really not. But the sting of being rejected hit them so hard they were crying all night like a fucking teenager. Here's what I shared with my friend about this:
here's the thing - yes, i was jealous of crush. because so far crush has been the only one that's made me feel like my spouse was putting me second. So yeah, I own my jealousy straight up. And yes, I was feeling excluded and left in the background again and it pissed me off. I keep telling B I don't know how I will feel about things until they happen. I have a shit ton of past trauma and abandonment issues I have to work through and it's not going to happen overnight. I suffered YEARS of this shit with other partners and that doesn't change in a week, sorry. BUT it's not my fault they got all flustered and opened their mouth. It's also not my fault that they felt this strongly about someone that it made them act like a fucking teenager. If they are serious about going down this kind of path, they have to learn to not make such emotional connections in my opinion.
My friend said it sounds like I am more mature about this stuff. My response:
I think I am trying better to be? But they also have less relationship experience and definitely less non-conventional experience. Besides me, most of their relationships were teenage kind of shit ya know? I think that's why they're hurting so much. This was their first time being rejected like this as an adult. Last night it was "i brought this on us and what for if I am only going to be rejected". It's like damn woman, if you're going to be like this every time a woman shuts you down, you're not ready to date women. They've actually never had a one night stand. They've never had sex with a stranger in a bar. They've had such a vanilla life that this is stinging more. Me, hell I've gone to anon sex parties. I've had multiple multiple partner encounters. I've had TWO one night stands in one night. Big diff in experience.
So yeah, there's some truth there. I may have past issues, but at least I have experienced more breakups, rejections, casual encounters, etc. I have learned not to get emotionally attached. THIS is where we're going to disconnect. I feel like they are going to keep getting emotionally attached to other people. It's why one of my boundaries was they should only have hookups at first because they need to learn to separate feelings. I am working on THREE hookups right now. After said hooks will I talk to these people? Probably not. I can separate all this.
On the other hand? I had a great time last night. No seriously. We went to putt putt and then had after snacks at a diner. I had a blast. I hate to say it, but I also felt like crush was hitting on me. Maybe to be nice? Don't know. But maybe it's because my kind of femme is more their type? Who knows. What I do know is this isn't going to work if B can't start learning to separate feelings. Plain and simple.
I have my doctor appointment today. Wish me luck.
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