ANA Y1 D30

I have this new friend M. M and I went out last night. They are a friend, nothing more. But M and their wife have been in an ENM relationship for 2.5 years. Said relationship is currently falling apart. The more I talk with M and hear what their spouse is doing, I realize I am doing the same shit to B. Granted, we've been in this since May 16th and they've been in it since 2020. BUT if I don't start changing my behavior now, it's going to be the end. Let me give me you a perfect example. 

I am going to start out by telling you about my breakfast date. I drove 45 minutes and had the most incredible crepes ever. I ended up having two they were so good. Blueberry with goat cheese and honey and brie with raspberry jam and candied walnuts. I also got to see the MSU campus which I had not seen before. Oh, yeah the date, well. Once again they showed up in male presentation. Now, this time, there's a difference. We have been talking online for a while. They DO plan on transitioning. But finances, ex-wife, child, job, etc have derailed their plans. Okay, I get that. But here it is a Saturday, no obligations, I expect your ass to be looking as femme as me. The sad part is I can see the femme in them. But it wasn't on display. They tried to kiss me and I was like nope. Blocked. You look like a man. I don't like men. When you really start transitioning we can revisit things. Until then, I can only be your friend. Sorry. But it really is how I feel. I know what I like, I know what I am attracted to and that's that. Last night at the bar, I met two people who were like exactly what I am talking about. So I drove home, belly full, but a little disappointed.

It was on the drive home that my stupid brain started in and started to sabotage everything. It was almost 10am when I got home and I had yet to hear from B. Not that crazy, but enough to start the poke poke poke. For the record, I am doing it again this morning and am fighting every ounce of my body. See, in MY brain, the reason I hadn't heard from B is because CGF stayed the night and they were already off on some early morning post sex hiking trip. Yeah, that's where my brain goes. The same thing is happening this morning because I haven't heard from B even after sending them a message at 1:15am telling them I was going to bed. They haven't responded because they're too busy in my brain apparently having all night wild lesbian sex. It sounds so stupid when I say it out loud. Why didn't I hear from B at 1:15am? Probably because they were already asleep. And why haven't I heard from them yet this morning? Because they're asleep. Did they fall asleep after sex with CGF? Maybe and so what? If they did, it was on an air mattress in a tent which has a leak and is probably wet from the random rainstorm. It's not like they're fucking at the Ritz and room service is being delivered. So yeah brain, stop it. Yesterday I did finally hear from them around 1pm. Want to know what really happened? They woke up early in massive back pain, tried to eat some food, couldn't move, took an edible, grabbed an ice pack, and went back to sleep. Plain and simple. Occam's razor people. I'm coming up with these elaborate Rube Goldberg scenarios and it's really "back hurt, took edible, passed out". Motherfucker. So why didn't I hear from them when I got home? Because odds are the same fucking thing happened again. I can see them at midnight, still being in pain, taking something heavier this time and knocking their ass out cold. If CGF is in the mix, again, so what? It's not impacting me. They're not running away. I have to stop my shit or I will be like M's spouse and destroy my own marriage. No me gusta. I also was stalking social media so bad yesterday I ended up having to walk away from my computer. I cleaned the laundry room, cleaned the cat room, but in a new smart bulb in the basement, made steaks, in other words, distract the brain. Today I plan to do more of the same. I have to go to the pet store at 11, then the vape shop. Oh look, guess who just woke up and responded to me. At 7:30. Which means they went to sleep early. Again, if they did or did not by themselves, is of no consequence. They confirmed they fell asleep at midnight. 90 minutes before I even got into bed. What a shock.

As for me, I went out last night at about 9. Got to the bar at 9:30, stayed until 12:30. I had a great time. I needed to get out and socialize. I had two drinks, then switched to diet coke. It was more about the socializing than it was anything else. A friend from group was there and I got pulled into her circle. She is the queen of the ball and everyone flocks around her. I felt honored to be part of her inner circle. I miss having that kind of thing. When I was on cast, I was one of the cool kids. I felt that again last night. I was right in the eye of the storm and it was wonderful to watch the chaos and fawning around me. Power and control. It's glorious. I need to spend more time with them because they're the kind of person who will get me a friend group. Not a fuck group, but a friend group. I will see them again on Tuesday at group. I plan to continue my buddying up to them then.

And that brings up to speed. Wow. I haven't typed like this in a while. Ch-ch-ch-changes. Turn and face the strange...