Y2 D107

Had an actual good conversation with AT&T yesterday. See, I still have my old AT&T account with my old phone number alive even though I am now on Verizon with a Droid. I say "now" but in reality it has been since last November.  I left the old phone on because the early term fee was more than paying a $20 a month bill for like 10 months. I have been waiting for the two to equal out.  When I made this decision, I told them that I wanted the CHEAPEST plan possible and I put my SIM card back into an old phone so as not to have to deal with data plans or any of that crap. Well for whatever reason every other month, their system decides I need a data plan and it automatically puts one on there. EVEN THOUGH my phone in their system shows as 'unknown'. I spent a 1/2 hour on the phone with them today and got them to fix it once more. I now have it back to $20. My early term is still $90, so if I let it go for three more months I should be right where I want to be. Right? Let's see - $20 x 3 = ($60.00) versus $90 in September, $80 in October, $70 in November… Yep. If I cancel in December, it will be break even. The woman on the phone understood my logic and helped me out. She reduced the bill from August down where it should be, and adjusted me going forward. Hence, a polite nice person at AT&T who helped me out. Miracle.

In other news? My brother is back in the hospital. Found out through a fucking text message from him. Couldn't even get a phone call from his wife. He doesn't want me up there to visit him either. More isolation created. This one isn't my fault though. He doesn't want the headaches and drama I am assuming. And no, I don't know how I would get up there. If he had said he wanted me there, I would have fucking walked. But he told me no. One more person to tell me no…

Sat at work bored all morning. The data guy didn't finish his work. I had to ensure the client that I wouldn't mark the time as billable as long as they communicated with my bosses that this was not my issue. I think because of my candor and flexibility I was able to establish a good professional stance with the client that will result in more business long term. Inside I was pissed at getting up at 4am and driving 75 miles when I don't have the fucking money to put gas in my car. But I can't blame the client. I did chide my co-worker for not telling me the night before and saving me a drive. The other upside is the client feels bad about me sitting here and tried to find things for me to do. I was able to help one of her co-workers in another office with a problem they are having which made me feel pretty good. I have another session of training scheduled with him today from 10-12 which will give me some billable hours. And the best part is I can do it remotely. I then had a 3 hour conference call from 8 pm until 11pm with a different client thanks to time zone changes.

I also got a talking to by a friend yesterday. She called me out on my "relationship" with H1 and my continuance of destructive behavior. I know. I try. But I do feel broken inside. Some people need other people, some are ok by themselves. I find myself trapped somewhere in between. I need the acceptance of people but don't want anyone around because I don't want them seeing behind the curtain.

Despite popular opinion, I try to not use people any more. I don't want the few people I have as friends thinking I am playing them. If you are in my life these days and I actually talk to you about real shit, then know that I am sincere when I say I appreciate your friendship. I may not always show it in the best of ways, but deep down, I appreciate and need it.

I did get advice from another friend, that I didn't think about before. He explained a financial option that I hadn't considered. I need to figure some things out before I execute on that one, but it was a good piece of advice.

AND just to show that I am not a complete and utter moron, I started looking up state sponsored financial help. They call them Approved Debtor Education Agencies, and there is a list a mile long. It's going to take some time, but I am going to go through them all and see if I can find one to help put me on a better path. Also, and probably more importantly, I looked up mental health providers. I am going to call today to see about setting an appointment with a new psychiatrist. I don't know how many appointments my insurance will allow me, but even one is better than nothing. See? Not a complete ass...

Y2 D106

Endure:

- to undergo (as a hardship) especially without giving in

- to continue in the same state

- to remain firm under suffering or misfortune without yielding

I guess it's all I can do, isn't it? But can I remain in the same state without giving in and letting my mind go completely? A question for another day I guess. Keep pushing me to stay alive. Push me to realize I have to keep going even if I don't want to get out of bed let alone function. My mask of sanity is slipping...

Yesterday I went back and re-read some of my earlier posts from this year because I was so stressed out that I wanted to see if there were any days in the last 100 where I was fucking happy for even a moment. I saw the same themes appearing over and over again. I also saw that I am severely depressed. Not just lightly, but really fucking bad. Lastly there was one post in particular that made me want to get something off my chest.

I recently shared the link to this blog with some new people. I shared it with them in my attempt to hold on to some kind of human contact. I want them to know that I am not just an insane monster. That's when I decided I need to come clean about something. In almost 500 posts, I have never lied in any of them, except one. Oh sure, I have omitted some things here and there - like the nights where I have shoved a couple of grams of blow up my nose, or when I have been so drunk I pissed myself, or some of the things I did at that party back in May... But those are omissions, not lies. There is only one entry where I told a falsehood.

I did it because of you. You know who you are - you were pissed and disgusted with me for the picture I sent you of LO. You felt I was an ass and a poor excuse for a man. I was already feeling disgusted because of the fact that I spent the night with a 23 year old girl. Then you made me feel even smaller. But it's time for the truth. And this is why I didn't call you back last night.

That first night LO and I were together? Yeah, I fucked her. No, we didn't make love, no it wasn't intimate - that first night? Straight up monkey lust fucking. We were both drunk, horny, and lonely for human contact. For four hours. Then again in the morning.

I felt like hell because I had sex with a girl almost 1/2 my age. I tried to play it off like I was some kind of hot shit, but the reality is I felt like a sleaze ball. Which was compounded by you calling me out on it. I needed to lie to make myself feel better. Not anymore. But I will say this, the next times we had sex it was different because we weren't just one night stand material any more. We spent an entire week together. It was wonderful. THAT was intimacy. That was something beyond just fucking. Sure she was still 23, but I was knowing her as a person not a hot piece of ass. In all my posts in the last 100 days, I saw that it was after that one night, that I was free and happy. A fleeting moment for sure, but I was fucking happy if only for a second.

Be disgusted with me. Hate me for lying. Hate me for being a perverted disgusting pig. Revile me for intentionally doing the WRONG thing once again. Shame me for throwing away what could have been; It's your right. But know that I am not the evil bastard you think I am. She was of age. She knew what she was doing after that first night as did I. Don't get me wrong, I am evil. I am by far not a good person. I am a manipulative asshole when I want to be. But not in this case. I gave her what she wanted, and I got what I needed.

Why am I bringing this all up? Because...

H1 is 21. She will be 22 in November...

(I am Jack's complete lack of surprise...)

Y2 D105

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

Life just got worse. Just when I thought things couldn't get any more fucked up they do. I KNEW I fucked myself over on Saturday. I just knew it.

What am I rambling on about? Oh the simple fact that I have -50 in the bank. It would be ok if I got paid this week, but no, I don't get paid for another 10 fucking days. I have to some how figure out how to keep no other bills from going out, eat, put gas in my car, pay bridge tolls, and otherwise live on ZERO dollars for 10 days. I can't do it. I am fucked. I am completely stressing out right now. 4:37am and I am fucking bundle of nerves already. DAMMIT. I don't know what to do. I have no credit cards with any room on them, I have no means of acquiring cash, I am screwed.

Why? Why the hell can't I catch a fucking break? Fuck me. How the hell am I supposed to pay attention to work or anything else when I am going to be so fucking high strung for the next ten days? I seriously do not know what to do. Maybe if I am lucky I will get run over by a bus today. Or just walk in front of one...

Y2 D104

Everybody thinks I am being over-dramatic but the simple truth is that if it wasn't for the kid, I would be dead. By my own hand. Directly or indirectly. Whether by drinking myself to death, overdosing, or just blowing my head off - either way I would be dead.

I feel worthless. I feel useless. I feel like an idiot. Am I so pathetic and desperate for a human connection that I will allow myself to be lied to directly? To be cheated, stolen from, and basically walked on like a doormat? Yes. Which makes me hate myself even more.

I talk big. But when the shit hits the fan, I curl right back up into my fetal position and fall back in to the same old patterns. Why? The million dollar question. I don't ask for much. I really don't. I just want someone who honestly cares for me without feeling the need to use me. I want normalcy. But I don't know what that means. I don't know how to accept. I don't want society's definition of normal. I can't wear khakis and talk about KPIs and paradigm shifts. THAT is bullshit. That is the fake layer on top of things. I may be fucked in the head, but at least I can see through things like that. I see the people who say they are happy with their BMW and 2.5 children and the dinner parties. But behind closed doors they are the same ones who beat their wives, cheat on their spouses, etc etc etc. I may not be all there, but at least I can admit it and don't feel the need to fake it.

But I do fake it in my own way because I need to keep a roof over my head. Because I need to be somewhat stable. I need to be there for the kid. It always comes back to her, doesn't it?

Yes. I was used. Again. Yes, I am hurting right now. I should have known better. Yes, she lied to me. Yes she stole from me. You are all right and I am just a stupid fucking idiot left alone once more. I will die alone. I know this. I am not deserving of human interaction any more. It felt so good for that brief moment though. And that's why I can't do it any more. It hurts more and more each time they walk away. Each time they rip a little bit more of me out. I am so hurt on the inside not because of what she did to me, but because I am so fucking worthless and hopeless that I LET HER. I say I will kill to protect what I believe in. I think I finally figured out what that means. I need to finally just give in and kill off the human parts of me that are left dangling. If I don't feel, then I can't get hurt. If I don't smile, I never have to worry about it turning into a frown. If I don't care...

Y2 D103

I haven't been fucked like that since grade school...

That pretty much sums up the last 24 hours of my life.  I also realized that she is Marla to my Jack - not to my Tyler, to my Jack. I get flustered, I don't understand why we are doing what we are doing, I can't have a normal conversation with her, but damn the sex is good.

I know a few of you think it's disgusting, but dammit, I was horny. Three months almost without anything. Three months without any intimacy or human contact. I needed it. I needed to be close to another human being in a physical way. We went at yesterday like our very lives depended on it. Four times in a single day. Dear god, I needed it.

Now what? I don't know. I am taking her home in a little while no matter how much the lady doth protest. I need my space back, I need to see how bad I fucked myself financially, and I need to see how I feel without the prospect of sex looming in the way.

What else did we do yesterday? Let's see - I took the other folks who crashed here home, except her of course. We hung out, relaxed, had a little food, sex, relaxed, mall for some stupid stuff (her not me), sex, food, did a photo shoot for her (she wanted some pictures for a portfolio), sex,  relaxed, bed. Pretty full day if you ask me. I also had to apologize to a few people on cast for being a loud mouth drunk Saturday night. I would have done those things regardless of H1, but it didn't help that I was associated mentally with her to a couple of people. Have some distancing to do there.

Did I ever mention how old she was? I don't think I have come right out and said it in any of these entries. Still not sure I want to do that. If I have then it doesn't matter. But if I haven't, I think that's one little piece of information I am going to keep to myself for now...

Ok, I need to shower and get her out of here...

Y2 D102

Um, so yeah. So H1 is back. And yeah, this time we did... Long fucking story. Some highlights? There's a guy passed out on my couch, there's two other people in the kid's room, there's H1 walking around... wild wild night. Spent way more than I planned and I may have severely fucked myself, but if you're gonna burn, burn in style?

Spent the day cleaning the house as planned. Did not waver from that. I took care of bleaching this house from top to bottom. Felt really good when I was done. Something I haven't done in a while. Took a long nap to get ready for the show. Around six, I headed down to my pre-show hangout. I sucked down two bottles of a nice 05 Chinon. Dessert. Something else. $37 port. Wandered down the street to the show. Had an incredible show. Made all my marks which given my condition was tough. But I did it. Yes, I flirted shamelessly with A64 when all of sudden out of nowhere, here comes H1. She didn't tell me she was coming to the show. She swears she did, um no I would have remembered that little piece of information. Trust me.

About halfway through the show she got sick. What a shock. This time thought it was drunk sick. Someone put her in their car in the front seat and we figured everything would be fine until after the show. The best part? She asked for me so now everyone on cast knows we are hanging out. Not good. I could tell there were issues/questions about that from the looks on some people's faces.

After the show there were a couple of people who needed rides. I agreed to take them and of course it was assumed I would be taking care of H1. Which I did. No fucking mystery there kids. As we were leaving one of the guys in the car said he could score some nose candy. That perked everyone up. A group decision was made that we were going back to my place instead of taking people home. Unfortunately that fell through about 20 minutes after we hit my place. So we sucked down whiskey, smoked a little dope, and just listened to music. At one point I just got tired. I figured the hell with it. They are all adults, they can figure it out. I went into the bedroom and started to crash. H1 came in and climbed into bed with me. We had a little talk about how I was feeling. I told her that I didn't like being played along and that I felt like I did a lot for her recently but I wasn't asking for anything more than just a thank you and some acknowledgment. That was it. Well, her idea of acknowledgment was a little more forward than mine. No, a LOT more straight forward.

People are starting to move around. I need to sign off this right now.

Y2 D101

I had a surreal day yesterday. Spent the night and wee hours in the emergency room, no not for me. Wait for it...

Was able to work from home yesterday because my new client decided she didn't want to rush or have me drive out to her and just sit. I am good with that. Went in the morning and bought a small amount of groceries. Just some basics; enough that I don't starve to death, but nothing overboard. I now have some rice and frozen veggies in the fridge. It will have to suffice for the month. Came back home and started working. Worked for about 5 hours and then got a call from my boss. He has been happy with me since the whole AZ thing and decided he wants to invest in me to benefit the company. Hence I will be going off to a three day training class in October. Nice. I will be able to add the new skills to my portfolio. Makes me happy. In prep for that, I decided I was going to dual boot my laptop with both Mac OS and Win 7. Yeah those were my exciting plans for the night - look out world.

Point is, I was planning on spending a quiet night in with no issues or drama. Around 2 H1 texts me. Not just a normal text either. She sends me a bunch of sexy photos of herself. She was just seeing what I was doing and if I liked the pictures. Um duh? I have never actually had a woman take pictures like this and send them to me... oh shit, wait back up, I forgot about the morning conversation with A64 (I don't know what real number it is and A64 works as well as any other). This is the one on cast that I like.  She was nervous because she was off to her second job yesterday for her first official day and she new she was going to be late. I spent like a half hour talking with her and calming her down. I get to see her tonight and am curious how that is going to play out.

Back to H1, she wanted me to come over. I said no, I am working. I was actually making red velvet cupcakes for tonight. Well, I was working too, but it was also the fact that I didn't want to go at that point. I told her I would call her later.

Which I did. Around 8 I called to see how she was doing. The cough she had came back and she needed a ride to the hospital. Yeah, ok. Nice guy. I pick her up and get a half ass hug. Oh. I see. I take her to the local Kaiser and then proceed to sit in the waiting room from 10 until 1am. Turns out the doctor was the same one who helped her when she was quitting heroin. Yes, you read that right. I learned SO MUCH last night. Heroin. Opiates in her system. Small hole in her head that causes migraine pressure. Whoo broken doll. I told her I was taking her home and going to bed. She tried to convince me to take her to my place but I held my ground. Dropped her off and came home. She texted me for like an hour.

Side note - I did manage to get Win 7 on my MacBook. Today I will configure it.

Back to topic - what is it with me and broken women? The list:

N - totally broken, suicidal, self-loathing
H1 - ex junkie, psychopath
J1 - lives in a fantasy world
X2 - self centered emotionless
X1 - narcissist extreme
J - insecure mess
X - see above
And that's just the simple ones.

Out of all the women I have dated only like two have not had major issues - LO and T1. LO is too far away and never going to happen again, and T1 just didn't do it for me.

Fuck me. Show tonight. Be up until the morning. Need to make sure I nap today.

Y2 D100

I shaved my head last night. Why? Because I needed to shed skin. I needed to do something destructive and altering. Feels weird. Feels very odd. I found a mole I didn't know I had.

Got paid. Can pay my rent today thank goodness. I also did the math, after all my bills go out, I will have roughly $80 until my next payday. Oh wait, shit I forgot a couple. Check that, I will be $120 in the hole. Nice. Need to figure out how to adjust things again. Fuck. I just thought about it. Fuck fuck fuck. Now I need to come up with a couple hundred dollars or let a couple people be late.

Fuck I can't catch a fucking break ever can I? Here I was able to breathe for 30 seconds and bam, gone again. October is a three check month, I just need to make it through this month. BUT I also have my car registration due in October. The so called "extra" check will get swallowed up by me trying to catch up.

I am constantly playing catch up. Life, money, women. And people wonder why I want to die. Want to curl up in a ball and never come out. So fucking overwhelming. Feel my chest constricting when I think about these things. I want to slam my bald fucking head against a wall until it bleeds. I guess I don't eat for another two weeks. Rough part is I will need gas. I can't avoid that. But otherwise, I won't eat. Fuck it. At least I will have a rough over my head.

Y2 D99

When I was a kid people used to say “if you question your sanity then you can’t be insane. It’s only when you stop questioning that you are in trouble”. Fuck that. I think I am just going fucking nuts…

My neighbors have taken to smoking a lot of pot. I guess they think people can’t smell it? I mean seriously. I wonder if someone moved in new down there. There have been so many different faces in and out of that apartment I don’t know who lives there and who just squats. I do know their pots smells like shit.

I have too much work to do and am too apathetic about to care. It’s all fucking meaningless drivel. Useless shit for useless people. I can’t even muster anger over it, hell I can barely muster apathy. I have other issues.

I think my cat is sick or dying. She is 13 and is getting more lethargic. I don’t know if it’s just the heat – it’s fucking hot right now – or if she has something wrong. I would take her to the vet, but I can’t even afford food. It’s the fucking second of the month and I haven’t even paid my rent yet.

If she dies I don’t think I can handle it. She’s all I have left. 13 years we have been together. Longer than any woman. Longer than anything. She is MY cat. She is my best friend. Please don’t die.

ataad.HocWISHnamquibushosoculiscumquevianguinem.MendaxjunctamTHEREentisparvussequorviWASferantsesi.UtdebilugnemdurationemunononimaSOMETHINGginaiohasreasedillisREALvapormutuoestputat.HumanamidemquecredentanimalijamdWISHta.Claraleoneetprimaex.AgenduminsupersoindeeaepasetccalidTHEREaopinioqualiavulsuocogitorompaucioWASuvetistamdSOMETHINGecipererconflatosautreiexhibeturibiconsuetae.QuaTRUEnitemadWISHaddantuTHEREr.VitioinquirerepotuerunteundemquWASeposueruntperSOMETHINGsuadeomihiferepost.RoREALgomeaeimobqueINextandae.ohaTHISrumbsolutasupponitsiimagWORLDnisreadignatotuscum.NeclorveritateFULLlmnequideminconversaex.EotacOFtuatilludadtrehesternacur.InrevideredumelliYOUsplateanondumimpetu

Y2 D98

My house is quiet once more.

I took her to her appointment yesterday because again, I don't break promises, and I made her a promise. Plain and simple. I was getting a little worried as her appointment was taking longer than I planned and I had to get some things done for work. That was kind of tricky. Luckily she finished at just the right time for me to get going. Dropped her off at home, took care of my work.

Later in the day I sent a text to see how she was doing and what a surprise - no response. Am I shocked? No, not really. I was the enabler of the week I guess. Whatever. Ordered pizza because I was craving it. I know it's bad for me, but I don't give a shit. Especially when the woman I am interested in changed her status to "in a relationship" last night. Damn. Whatever.

Slipping into whatever. Nothing really matters? Watched Fight Club and ate pizza. That was my night. Slept pretty well though for the first time in a couple of days.

Today is a meeting in the morning with one new client, then a demo meeting in the afternoon with another. Tonight is nothing. Sleep. This week is progressing at a weird pace. On one hand it is moving way too slow, on the other, I can't believe it's already Wednesday. Strange things abound.