Before I get into yesterday:
This is an open letter to everyone, male or female, friend, family, or lover, who has gone from my life. I just want you to know that it doesn’t matter if it’s been weeks, months, or years - I still think about you. Probably more than I should. My first thought is ‘are they happy?’. Because I do care if you are happy. I know I can sometimes be a thoughtless cruel ass on the surface, but underneath I really do care. I care if the choices you have made have brought you happiness. Then I think about ‘why did they leave? did I do something wrong? what could I have done differently?’. Maybe your life is better without me in it. Maybe. I know mine for the most part isn’t. If it was, I probably wouldn’t spend so much time thinking about you. I think about our time together. The good times, laughing, sharing secrets; the bad times, the tears, the anger. I think and think until my head hurts. And this is why I will never be right. And this is why everyone goes away.
Now back to yesterday. That's where my head was at most of the day. I worked on shit for a client, drove the kid to the train, kept working, played Deus Ex, picked up the kid, went to bed. Tada. Here we are at two weeks since the breakup, I am functional and alive, still thinking too much about her, still missing her, but moving on mostly.
I am not happy about today. Traveling. Off to Ohio in 25 minutes.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Monday, April 9, 2012
Y3 D320
The one nice thing about being on the road is it's easier to keep track of my hours. When I am working from home AND on multiple projects, the day kind of becomes a blur. Like this morning, I have been up for an hour mostly checking email for two different projects. How do I track that? Does that become .5 for each? Or does that roll into the void and not really get counted? I always have this like guilt feeling when I am not sitting somewhere onsite for x number of hours per day. This week will be easy as I am on a plane tomorrow morning for Ohio. Very straightforward billing.
Yesterday was interesting. I did go back to bed after posting at 4 something. My friend in the hospital pinged me around 7:40 with an update. He had a cyst in his leg which was causing the pain. No blood clot, no major issues. They drove him back to his van and he was good to go. That was good but now I was up. I screwed around on line for a while and the kid finally got up around 11. We watched a movie before she had to head out to her grandmother's for easter stuff.
I ended up falling back asleep on the couch for a few hours. Yes, hours. Next thing I know it's 3 and she is texting me letting me know she will be home around 5:30. I ended up playing Deus Ex while I waited for her to get home.
At 6 we headed over to my director's house for their kid's birthday party/Easter Zombie movie fest. It was fun. We were there from 6:30 until about 10. Home by 10:30. We ate pizza, watched Shawn of the Dead and had a mellow evening with friends. They did surprise me with one thing. In September we are putting on a performance of a different movie other than Rocky. We will be doing Shock Treatment. (Which by the way was the movie I made the kid watch in the morning and for this reason). They asked if I would be interested in performing one of the main roles. That's a pretty big honor. I said I would do it. Now I have 4 months to learn the part, go to rehearsal, etc. First thing is to watch the movie a few dozen times to get the role down. Then to learn all the songs and lines. Oy. But I am good with doing it because it's a one time thing not a regular role. I can handle that.
All in all a good Sunday. I am a little tired this morning and need to go to bed early for my trip though.
Yesterday was interesting. I did go back to bed after posting at 4 something. My friend in the hospital pinged me around 7:40 with an update. He had a cyst in his leg which was causing the pain. No blood clot, no major issues. They drove him back to his van and he was good to go. That was good but now I was up. I screwed around on line for a while and the kid finally got up around 11. We watched a movie before she had to head out to her grandmother's for easter stuff.
I ended up falling back asleep on the couch for a few hours. Yes, hours. Next thing I know it's 3 and she is texting me letting me know she will be home around 5:30. I ended up playing Deus Ex while I waited for her to get home.
At 6 we headed over to my director's house for their kid's birthday party/Easter Zombie movie fest. It was fun. We were there from 6:30 until about 10. Home by 10:30. We ate pizza, watched Shawn of the Dead and had a mellow evening with friends. They did surprise me with one thing. In September we are putting on a performance of a different movie other than Rocky. We will be doing Shock Treatment. (Which by the way was the movie I made the kid watch in the morning and for this reason). They asked if I would be interested in performing one of the main roles. That's a pretty big honor. I said I would do it. Now I have 4 months to learn the part, go to rehearsal, etc. First thing is to watch the movie a few dozen times to get the role down. Then to learn all the songs and lines. Oy. But I am good with doing it because it's a one time thing not a regular role. I can handle that.
All in all a good Sunday. I am a little tired this morning and need to go to bed early for my trip though.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Y3 D319
It's 4:18 am and I should probably go to bed, but I figure I would post first. Screw it, this is for 'yesterday' anyway, right?
The reason I am home so late is not a happy one. I had to spend time in the hospital with my friend/cast mate tonight. I will come back to everything...
Okay, so the kid leaves early for work, like around 8:30. I was in a cranky mood when she left because I spilt rockstar in my slippers and it made me ugh. Luckily I was able to apologize for snapping at her before she left. After she left, I spent a few hours cleaning the house. Scrubbed floors, scrubbed counters, even did the little ring things in the stove. Finally around 1 I was finished. Right when I sat down to watch some TV and relax, X1 shows up with the two kids. She was there to pick up the kid and take her of to some family easter bullshit thing. But the kid didn't get off until 1:30. So I had to entertain and watch her roll her eyes and scrutinize everything around my house. From the animals to the Disney pins she had a comment be it verbal or non-verbal. The kids were fine. They are 10 and 14 so no issues there. Luckily the kid got off work early and was home at 1:20. They all left and I went to run some errands.
I needed to find a squeeze ketchup bottle for the show and NO ONE had any in stock. All the goddamn easter stuff was taking up shelf space. Seriously come Tuesday they will be all over but not today. I went to five stores and struck out. Got back home around 3:30 and tried to nap. Yeah that failed. I ended up playing Dues Ex until the kid got home around 7. We hung out for a while then got ready for the show.
All in all, it was a good show. I was a little pissed off at a couple of people but whatever. Right now I am not going to dwell on anything. Right before the show ended I got called outside. There were paramedics in front. One of the guys on security is a paraplegic and he was stretching out his leg when suddenly he heard three pops and was in major pain. He can feel his legs, he just can't move them.
I ended up being the adult of the group and following the ambulance to the hospital with his wheelchair and stuff. I spent about 90 minutes with him at the hospital while we got him checked in, examined, etc. The doctors believe he ripped a muscle and have ruled out achilles and broken bones. He was going to get an ultrasound but they told me he was going to be there AT LEAST 3-4 more hours and I should go get some sleep. Hence, I am home. He promised he would text when he knew more.
Fun stuff baby.
The reason I am home so late is not a happy one. I had to spend time in the hospital with my friend/cast mate tonight. I will come back to everything...
Okay, so the kid leaves early for work, like around 8:30. I was in a cranky mood when she left because I spilt rockstar in my slippers and it made me ugh. Luckily I was able to apologize for snapping at her before she left. After she left, I spent a few hours cleaning the house. Scrubbed floors, scrubbed counters, even did the little ring things in the stove. Finally around 1 I was finished. Right when I sat down to watch some TV and relax, X1 shows up with the two kids. She was there to pick up the kid and take her of to some family easter bullshit thing. But the kid didn't get off until 1:30. So I had to entertain and watch her roll her eyes and scrutinize everything around my house. From the animals to the Disney pins she had a comment be it verbal or non-verbal. The kids were fine. They are 10 and 14 so no issues there. Luckily the kid got off work early and was home at 1:20. They all left and I went to run some errands.
I needed to find a squeeze ketchup bottle for the show and NO ONE had any in stock. All the goddamn easter stuff was taking up shelf space. Seriously come Tuesday they will be all over but not today. I went to five stores and struck out. Got back home around 3:30 and tried to nap. Yeah that failed. I ended up playing Dues Ex until the kid got home around 7. We hung out for a while then got ready for the show.
All in all, it was a good show. I was a little pissed off at a couple of people but whatever. Right now I am not going to dwell on anything. Right before the show ended I got called outside. There were paramedics in front. One of the guys on security is a paraplegic and he was stretching out his leg when suddenly he heard three pops and was in major pain. He can feel his legs, he just can't move them.
I ended up being the adult of the group and following the ambulance to the hospital with his wheelchair and stuff. I spent about 90 minutes with him at the hospital while we got him checked in, examined, etc. The doctors believe he ripped a muscle and have ruled out achilles and broken bones. He was going to get an ultrasound but they told me he was going to be there AT LEAST 3-4 more hours and I should go get some sleep. Hence, I am home. He promised he would text when he knew more.
Fun stuff baby.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Y3 D318
I had a dream last night that TXGF called me and said 'hey I thought we were going to try and be friends?'. Um sure. 'Well, let's hang out then'. Okay.
That was it. That was all I remember from the dream. It would be nice if that was actually the way the world worked. But we all know the truth. You say you're going to be friends but unless you have the same circle of friends or live in the same city, it doesn't happen. It just goes to further prove that we are better off apart.
Spent the day working and around 5:30 called it quits. The kid took off around 2 to go to her grandmother's house because her mother and siblings are in town for Easter. She then went straight to work from 6-10:30. A couple of my friends came over and hung out a bit. We were all meeting up later for a night out with other friends. We all left my place around 7 and they went off to get ready and I headed to the place we were all meeting. Now, a little backstory - the place we were meeting was a restaurant/sports bar that got picked because we were going to have some folks under 21 with us. It was basically a cast function because it was my director's kids 19th birthday. Our normal place has been closed since January so they picked this new place. I knew what this place was like and thought it a bad idea from the get-go. It's not our kind of place. It's where soccer families go after games during the day and where soccer moms go at night to have one too many margaritas and bitch about their husbands and kids.
We were supposed to meet at 8. I got there at 7:30 to scope things out. Packed. All tables. No 'bar' area like we are used to. I texted my directors and asked if they had made a reservation. Nope. Sigh. Fine. I then sweet talked my way into the biggest table they had free. I sat there for 20 minutes getting dirty looks from families of 4 and 5 coming in and who were having to wait. Finally by 8:30 we had 12 of us so it wasn't so bad, but we ended up spread over three tables on two sides of the place. I had suggested a different place, but no one listens to me on these things.
All in all, I had fun. I had a few drinks, socialized, and bailed around 10. The kid and I got home roughly the same time. She told me about her day, I told her about mine and we went off to bed. Nothing exciting. But nothing bad either. It was what it was. I had fun. Didn't spend a lot of money, was out being social, and was home safe and sober at a decent hour.
That's all I can ask.
That was it. That was all I remember from the dream. It would be nice if that was actually the way the world worked. But we all know the truth. You say you're going to be friends but unless you have the same circle of friends or live in the same city, it doesn't happen. It just goes to further prove that we are better off apart.
Spent the day working and around 5:30 called it quits. The kid took off around 2 to go to her grandmother's house because her mother and siblings are in town for Easter. She then went straight to work from 6-10:30. A couple of my friends came over and hung out a bit. We were all meeting up later for a night out with other friends. We all left my place around 7 and they went off to get ready and I headed to the place we were all meeting. Now, a little backstory - the place we were meeting was a restaurant/sports bar that got picked because we were going to have some folks under 21 with us. It was basically a cast function because it was my director's kids 19th birthday. Our normal place has been closed since January so they picked this new place. I knew what this place was like and thought it a bad idea from the get-go. It's not our kind of place. It's where soccer families go after games during the day and where soccer moms go at night to have one too many margaritas and bitch about their husbands and kids.
We were supposed to meet at 8. I got there at 7:30 to scope things out. Packed. All tables. No 'bar' area like we are used to. I texted my directors and asked if they had made a reservation. Nope. Sigh. Fine. I then sweet talked my way into the biggest table they had free. I sat there for 20 minutes getting dirty looks from families of 4 and 5 coming in and who were having to wait. Finally by 8:30 we had 12 of us so it wasn't so bad, but we ended up spread over three tables on two sides of the place. I had suggested a different place, but no one listens to me on these things.
All in all, I had fun. I had a few drinks, socialized, and bailed around 10. The kid and I got home roughly the same time. She told me about her day, I told her about mine and we went off to bed. Nothing exciting. But nothing bad either. It was what it was. I had fun. Didn't spend a lot of money, was out being social, and was home safe and sober at a decent hour.
That's all I can ask.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Y3 D317
Let's be clear about something:
- You turn 18 you think - this is it! it's all going to be different now! Nope.
- You turn 21 you think - NOW, now it HAS to be different because I can drink. Yeah, sorry no. You can legally numb yourself, but it's no different.
- You turn 30 you think - Well I am about to get married/already married/kids on the way/have a kid so everything must be different. Wrong again kemosabe.
- You turn 40 you think - Here I am divorced, alone, something's got to fucking change now right? Heh. Nope. Same shit, different decade.
Let me tell ya, I have real low expectations for when I turn 50 other than finally giving up and just being done with it all. Seriously. It just seems like nothing is really ever different. I have so many friends who are younger than me who think that as soon as they hit some magic milestone it will all be magically changed and there's going to be a parting of the heavens as some mystic wisdom gets imparted unto them. It ain't happened here yet kids so... Maybe a grande latte enema? Maybe that will let you see magic?
Cynical today obviously. Cheery happy soul. That's me. Wheee! Look at all the prettiness in the world! Too bad it's buried under 10 lbs of dog shit.
Worked ALL day yesterday on three different things. I was beat up. I mean like hammer to the face beat up come 7pm. That's when I finally stopped. I made the kid food in there somewhere but I just kept at it until I couldn't do any more.
She was all mopey last night and while I tried to console her, I also felt like telling her to shut the fuck up. Yeah life sucks but you're 19 and have plenty more years. Instead of moping on the couch go fucking do something. You've been here a year and the main set of friends you have are technically MINE. So piss off, join a group, go out, talk to people at school. I don't care what just don't sit here and mope and think I can or will fix it. I have my own issues.
Such as I made it a week without talking/texting/emailing TXGF. Small fucking victories. At one point when you agree you can be friends is okay to contact the person? Should it be the random running into each other at something or what? I am planning to text her on her birthday in 3 months. Is that acceptable? Hell, I text everyone on their birthday. I am just a nice guy like that.
Always a nice guy.
Double wheeee. It puts the gun in its mouth or it gets the hose?
Ugh. More work to today. I am tired, broke, stressed, and have to go on the road again in three days.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Y3 D316
Only 49 days left in this year and we go on to year 4. Despite all the recent turmoil, overall this has been a pretty good year. I will say that 8 out of 12 months were shared with someone special. That's a pretty damn good percentage in the end. 66% to be exact. If you can experience happiness 2/3 of the time, would you take it? I did and would again.
There's a lot going on in my head today. I was up and down quite a bit yesterday just due to work, issues with the kid, loneliness, etc. Wednesdays are my solo day and it struck me yesterday. Let me see if I can do this in chronological order to not miss anything.
Side note - I was accused again of censoring myself in this blog. Well, yeah. If I told you everything in every minute detail, you'd be disgusted, shocked, offended, surprised, and run away screaming. I need somethings to myself. I can't bear all for the world to see. Sorry, that's reality. There are some dark corners of my brain that deserve to stay dark people. Always remember, despite what you think, I can be a very not nice person sometimes. I'm not downright evil per se, but I have my moments of doing things on the fringe of acceptable and would rather keep the few friends I have left.
Okay back to yesterday. Took the kid to the train around 8 after already working for an hour. Got back, showered, kept working until around 2 something. At I think about 2:30 I had a conference call with my directors. For once it was the kind of call I would expect to have with them. We have a guest performer this weekend and the call was to go over some changes in blocking, some props we wanted to do different, and a couple things I need to remember to bring on Saturday. Perfect. This is the times when I remember why I like these people and enjoy being around them. They were light hearted, in a good mood, and happy. The call went smoothly and all was good. There was one incident from the last show I had to deal with, but it to was appropriate. The male part of the directors noticed some flirting going on between a few of the tech folks and it caused them to miss cues. I spoke to the four people in question and took a proper stance - any conversations, be they flirting or just idle chit chat should be curtailed during the performance. Plain and simple. Everybody got where I was coming from and there were no hurt feelings or problems.
Around 4 I decided I was done and headed out to have a little happy hour. The restaurant where my friend works has a pretty decent happy hour. This was also a test for me. Could I go out for a couple of drinks, hang out, not spend stupidly, and come back home in time to pick up the kid sober. Answer? Yes! I did it. I got there about 4:30 and left at 6:45, 15 minutes after happy hour was over. I spent $15 had three drinks and a grilled cheese sandwich. I was a little more buzzed than I wanted to be, but not so bad that I couldn't function. I was home by 7 and one of my friends stopped by to show me her new hair do. We talked until 9 when it was time for me to get the kid.
The kid had a rough morning. She is having problems with her sewing class and is really discouraged about things. She wants to speak to a counselor to see if she should change directions but no one was around. She felt better by the time I got her, but the day was pretty rough for her. I think if I said I was moving she wouldn't think twice about changing schools. We talked a little about things before I went off to bed.
Not a bad day. Nothing major, but also not bad. I had my moments where I missed TXGF, but I handled it and kept going. That's all I can do.
There's a lot going on in my head today. I was up and down quite a bit yesterday just due to work, issues with the kid, loneliness, etc. Wednesdays are my solo day and it struck me yesterday. Let me see if I can do this in chronological order to not miss anything.
Side note - I was accused again of censoring myself in this blog. Well, yeah. If I told you everything in every minute detail, you'd be disgusted, shocked, offended, surprised, and run away screaming. I need somethings to myself. I can't bear all for the world to see. Sorry, that's reality. There are some dark corners of my brain that deserve to stay dark people. Always remember, despite what you think, I can be a very not nice person sometimes. I'm not downright evil per se, but I have my moments of doing things on the fringe of acceptable and would rather keep the few friends I have left.
Okay back to yesterday. Took the kid to the train around 8 after already working for an hour. Got back, showered, kept working until around 2 something. At I think about 2:30 I had a conference call with my directors. For once it was the kind of call I would expect to have with them. We have a guest performer this weekend and the call was to go over some changes in blocking, some props we wanted to do different, and a couple things I need to remember to bring on Saturday. Perfect. This is the times when I remember why I like these people and enjoy being around them. They were light hearted, in a good mood, and happy. The call went smoothly and all was good. There was one incident from the last show I had to deal with, but it to was appropriate. The male part of the directors noticed some flirting going on between a few of the tech folks and it caused them to miss cues. I spoke to the four people in question and took a proper stance - any conversations, be they flirting or just idle chit chat should be curtailed during the performance. Plain and simple. Everybody got where I was coming from and there were no hurt feelings or problems.
Around 4 I decided I was done and headed out to have a little happy hour. The restaurant where my friend works has a pretty decent happy hour. This was also a test for me. Could I go out for a couple of drinks, hang out, not spend stupidly, and come back home in time to pick up the kid sober. Answer? Yes! I did it. I got there about 4:30 and left at 6:45, 15 minutes after happy hour was over. I spent $15 had three drinks and a grilled cheese sandwich. I was a little more buzzed than I wanted to be, but not so bad that I couldn't function. I was home by 7 and one of my friends stopped by to show me her new hair do. We talked until 9 when it was time for me to get the kid.
The kid had a rough morning. She is having problems with her sewing class and is really discouraged about things. She wants to speak to a counselor to see if she should change directions but no one was around. She felt better by the time I got her, but the day was pretty rough for her. I think if I said I was moving she wouldn't think twice about changing schools. We talked a little about things before I went off to bed.
Not a bad day. Nothing major, but also not bad. I had my moments where I missed TXGF, but I handled it and kept going. That's all I can do.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Y3 D315
Can't type this morning. My fingers are too sleepy. Where did this sudden bout of tiredness come from? Is it depression sleep or is my body finally fighting back and having its way with me? You know I just realized I haven't coughed up blood or had any kind of issues like that in a while. That's a good thing, right?
Spent the day in the house working yesterday. Took a mid-morning break with the kid to get a burger at a dive I haven't been to in years which has some pretty damn good burgers. Although the whole time I was there I kept thinking why didn't I bring TXGF there? Meh. No big deal just one of those brain teasers since it is almost walking distance from my place you'd think I would have gone there once in 8.3 months but frankly that's the first time I have been there in probably close to 5 years.
Came back, did some more work. Had the kid clean the house to make up for some money she owed me. She cleaned the bathroom and the kitchen. Helps me out for sure. I guess I was doing okay for it being one week. I started to slip come the night time. Found myself bored off my ass and no one around and nothing to do. I started texting people randomly and ended up in a couple of conversations which mostly kept me occupied. Not enough though. I ended up putting in fight club at 8:30. You know it's going to be a long night when I do that.
The kid was in her room on OKCupid. Yes, she has a profile now. And she is getting 100+ visitors a day. Me? Zero. I am getting 3 visitors a week if I am lucky. Her and I had a laugh about it, but she also pointed out - 'you're better at talking to people in the real world'. Maybe. Some days it doesn't feel like it. Some days it just feels like I am stuck.
Went to bed around 10 and ended up texting with a friend until almost 11. I am fortunate to have friends this time around which is a big difference. I wish I could get myself out of the house and into situations where I might actually move forward, but I will take what I can get.
I am always so much more focused in the morning than during the day and late evening. If I wrote this blog at night, it would be very different I think. Good thing I write in the morning.
Spent the day in the house working yesterday. Took a mid-morning break with the kid to get a burger at a dive I haven't been to in years which has some pretty damn good burgers. Although the whole time I was there I kept thinking why didn't I bring TXGF there? Meh. No big deal just one of those brain teasers since it is almost walking distance from my place you'd think I would have gone there once in 8.3 months but frankly that's the first time I have been there in probably close to 5 years.
Came back, did some more work. Had the kid clean the house to make up for some money she owed me. She cleaned the bathroom and the kitchen. Helps me out for sure. I guess I was doing okay for it being one week. I started to slip come the night time. Found myself bored off my ass and no one around and nothing to do. I started texting people randomly and ended up in a couple of conversations which mostly kept me occupied. Not enough though. I ended up putting in fight club at 8:30. You know it's going to be a long night when I do that.
The kid was in her room on OKCupid. Yes, she has a profile now. And she is getting 100+ visitors a day. Me? Zero. I am getting 3 visitors a week if I am lucky. Her and I had a laugh about it, but she also pointed out - 'you're better at talking to people in the real world'. Maybe. Some days it doesn't feel like it. Some days it just feels like I am stuck.
Went to bed around 10 and ended up texting with a friend until almost 11. I am fortunate to have friends this time around which is a big difference. I wish I could get myself out of the house and into situations where I might actually move forward, but I will take what I can get.
I am always so much more focused in the morning than during the day and late evening. If I wrote this blog at night, it would be very different I think. Good thing I write in the morning.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Y3 D314
I don't know how I feel today. Today marks one week since we broke up. I haven't talked to her other than a brief text and a drunk call last Thursday. I love how people bullshit themselves with 'we can still be friends' when in reality you both you know you're never going to talk to each other again. You know what also drives me nuts? That I should have been doing this 20 years ago. I should have been having these kind of relationships in my twenties not in my forties. This is why there is something completely fucking wrong with me. Instead of getting this all out of my system then, I am making up for lost time. Like everything else I do, I am doing it backwards.
It also appears to be time to explain myself once more. I have had to say this before and I guess it bears repeating:
1. I am not 'too picky'. The next person that says will receive a foot up their ass. Knowing what I want does not make me picky. If you're fat, asian, black, 4 feet tall, spend your weekends running marathons and snowboarding, are a vegetarian, etc why should I date you? Why should I waste your time or my time? I know what I like. That doesn't make me picky. That makes me someone who is looking for what they want in an attempt to make a lasting relationship. If it hadn't of been for her age, TXGF was perfect. We had so much in common yet enough differences. We were happy when we were together. She just needed to be 10 years older. Then things would have been right and we would be together right fucking now. So yeah, it's not picky, it's trying to find someone who fits me and my lifestyle. Which brings us to point number 2...
2. I cannot help the fact that I am attracted too and in return receive attention from women younger than me. It is not like I am some perv out on the prowl. It's because of certain reasons. I have gone over those ad infinitum in this blog and don't feel like doing it again. Just understand that while there are probably women may age like me out there, it is very difficult to find them and they are rare. It's easier for me to relate with and find someone younger than me.
Spent the morning working and making my client at the DOL happy. I have some more work for them today. This time next week I will be on my way to Ohio which will actually be nice because it will be a distraction. After working most of the day I took the kid to the train station and came back home to be alone for 6 hours. Six hours of sitting in the dark listening to Pink Floyd. Yeah, that's healthy. I watched an episode of Breakout Kings. Picked the kid up and went to bed.
I did make a decision yesterday. Originally in July we were going to go spend a week in SoCal after our birthdays and around our anniversary. I decided yesterday to go around my birthday instead. I am going to leave on the night of the 7th right after a show and come home on the 15th. I have enough points that this should work. I may have to pick up one day on my own, but I can handle that if need be. Now I sent out a message to about 10 of my friends yesterday seeing they wanted to join me at any point during this time period. I don't want the kid going with me all week. One she has summer school, two she has work, and three I want to go to bars and hang out with friends which will bore her at some point. It will, end of story.
What it looks like will happen is I will drive down that night with the kid and a friend, they will stay with me in the park on the 8th, spend the night Sunday, go back to the park Monday then take my car home. I will make due for a couple of days until Thursday when one of my other friends will be down. He will then hang out with me and we will drive home Saturday/Sunday. No car, no hotel bill, splitting gas, perfect. I can call a couple of friends to drive me some place or just take the train if need be. I will get home on her birthday but whatever. This way if she decides to hit Disneyland for her birthday, I will be gone already.
So far everyone is on board with this plan (work, friends). I just need to make the reservations. That will be later this week. Waiting for one more confirmation.
Time to work.
It also appears to be time to explain myself once more. I have had to say this before and I guess it bears repeating:
1. I am not 'too picky'. The next person that says will receive a foot up their ass. Knowing what I want does not make me picky. If you're fat, asian, black, 4 feet tall, spend your weekends running marathons and snowboarding, are a vegetarian, etc why should I date you? Why should I waste your time or my time? I know what I like. That doesn't make me picky. That makes me someone who is looking for what they want in an attempt to make a lasting relationship. If it hadn't of been for her age, TXGF was perfect. We had so much in common yet enough differences. We were happy when we were together. She just needed to be 10 years older. Then things would have been right and we would be together right fucking now. So yeah, it's not picky, it's trying to find someone who fits me and my lifestyle. Which brings us to point number 2...
2. I cannot help the fact that I am attracted too and in return receive attention from women younger than me. It is not like I am some perv out on the prowl. It's because of certain reasons. I have gone over those ad infinitum in this blog and don't feel like doing it again. Just understand that while there are probably women may age like me out there, it is very difficult to find them and they are rare. It's easier for me to relate with and find someone younger than me.
Spent the morning working and making my client at the DOL happy. I have some more work for them today. This time next week I will be on my way to Ohio which will actually be nice because it will be a distraction. After working most of the day I took the kid to the train station and came back home to be alone for 6 hours. Six hours of sitting in the dark listening to Pink Floyd. Yeah, that's healthy. I watched an episode of Breakout Kings. Picked the kid up and went to bed.
I did make a decision yesterday. Originally in July we were going to go spend a week in SoCal after our birthdays and around our anniversary. I decided yesterday to go around my birthday instead. I am going to leave on the night of the 7th right after a show and come home on the 15th. I have enough points that this should work. I may have to pick up one day on my own, but I can handle that if need be. Now I sent out a message to about 10 of my friends yesterday seeing they wanted to join me at any point during this time period. I don't want the kid going with me all week. One she has summer school, two she has work, and three I want to go to bars and hang out with friends which will bore her at some point. It will, end of story.
What it looks like will happen is I will drive down that night with the kid and a friend, they will stay with me in the park on the 8th, spend the night Sunday, go back to the park Monday then take my car home. I will make due for a couple of days until Thursday when one of my other friends will be down. He will then hang out with me and we will drive home Saturday/Sunday. No car, no hotel bill, splitting gas, perfect. I can call a couple of friends to drive me some place or just take the train if need be. I will get home on her birthday but whatever. This way if she decides to hit Disneyland for her birthday, I will be gone already.
So far everyone is on board with this plan (work, friends). I just need to make the reservations. That will be later this week. Waiting for one more confirmation.
Time to work.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Y3 D313
My god I slept like the dead yesterday. Most of the day and night were spent sleeping. It was as if my body and mind just gave up and I needed a full day to catch up. I got up around 8:15 after only four hours of sleep yesterday. Did some stuff on here and then passed out on the couch from 9 until around 11:15. The kid and I then went to get some food and went to a couple of thrift and antique stores again. I found a 1964 copy of the "it's a small world" album for .99. Major score. I am going to frame it. We came back home and she wanted to play some video games and I ended up falling asleep on the couch AGAIN for almost two hours. Amazing. When I woke back up, we watched some TV before she had to go to work at six. That was when things turned for me. I was alone in the dark and my brain started going nuts. These were the notes I wrote down:
that fun part of the day. the part of the day when all you here is your own brain. no other sounds around. no one else around. hello brain. what kind of bullshit do want to throw at me tonight? oh you want me to think about her some more? sure why the hell not. gee this is fun. whee. how about another topic. how useless i am. how horrible i am. destroyer of angels vortex of destruction and ruin. yep that’s me. whee. this is so much fun. why stop now, what else you got? just keep going. just keep throwing shit at me. scrape my edges for something new you fuck. oh, that’s all you got. fine. i am out of tears. i am out of patience. i am out of everything. i am an empty shell. i am a hollow place. i can hide behind my wall and my mask until until it slips and i do something stupid. oh there you go, let’s dredge up all the stupid shit. yep and we can tie it all together. why would she want to be with someone like me anyway. of course it makes sense we are done. everyone goes away in the end, remember?
Shows you where my head went. I ended up trying to do some work for a client to distract myself but nothing was working right and I got even more frustrated. I finally gave up around 9 and went to bed. I didn't think I could sleep any more but apparently I could. I just woke up from probably around 9:30. All in all yesterday I slept for almost 17 hours if you count from 4:15 Sunday until I got up this morning. Jesus. I don't think I have ever slept like that before. I had no alarms set this morning which was a small issue since I have a conference call in four minutes. But I am up and at the end of the day that's all that matters.
I did get a phone call yesterday from an old friend. It's funny because lately I have been feeling guilty that there are people in my life I have lost touch with for no other reason than life getting in the way. She was one of those people I have felt bad about not being more proactive in contacting. It was nice that she called me and while I didn't answer (was sleeping), it felt good knowing we have the kind of friendship that can handle the gaps.
I do miss TXGF. I won't lie about that. I wish she would call or text or just stop by to say hi. We went out for 8.3 months. So yes, I will get over her and I will be over her sooner that my mind thinks. I just need to keep swimming. I will make it through this and in the end it will all be okay. I still won't like myself, I will still be in a shitty place in my life, but I will still be.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Y3 D312
Its amazing the shit your brain will run through as you try to sleep at 4am. What did she do tonight since wasn't at the show? How is she doing? Has she met someone? Is she getting laid? Girls have it easier in that department don't they? Does she miss me? Did I do something wrong? I hate myself. I hate everything. I want to go away forever. I miss that morning she said wake up I'm horny. Is she horny? Does she MISS me? Why did I ever go out with her in the first place? Will I ever be happy for more than a short period of time? Why do I even bother? Why can't I be useful? Why am I such a fuck up? Why am I never good enough?
The show was hard last night. Really hard. Knowing she wasn't there or even at home waiting for me. Watching all the people laugh and have fun. On the outside I tried to make it look like I hadn't a care in the world. On the inside my brain was screaming. My mind was crying.
I guess my downfall makes for more interesting reading doesn't it? No one wants to read about the happy guy who has found the great girl and they don't argue or have any drama. No, that's not captivating reading. It's more fun to watch the car crash. Watch the melt down. Get your tickets for a front row seat to the end. Come one, come all. Come watch the fool. Watch him sing and dance as he mourns his lost life and ends it all before your very eyes. That's the stuff! That's the E fucking ticket ain't it baby?
Cleaned the house during the day. Made rice krispie squares. Drove two hours to get the kid's cell phone back. Took her to the mall. Found a new Mickey statue. Acted liked a normal person. Took a nap. Went to the show too early because I dropped the kid off at work on the way. Sat and wallowed until other people showed up and put on the happy face.
Stayed sober. One point me. Felt fat all night. Minus 10 points.
Picked up the kid. She got off late. Sat in a cold parking lot from 2:30 until 3:20 am waiting for her. Got home at 3:30. See first paragraph for what happened next.
The show was hard last night. Really hard. Knowing she wasn't there or even at home waiting for me. Watching all the people laugh and have fun. On the outside I tried to make it look like I hadn't a care in the world. On the inside my brain was screaming. My mind was crying.
I guess my downfall makes for more interesting reading doesn't it? No one wants to read about the happy guy who has found the great girl and they don't argue or have any drama. No, that's not captivating reading. It's more fun to watch the car crash. Watch the melt down. Get your tickets for a front row seat to the end. Come one, come all. Come watch the fool. Watch him sing and dance as he mourns his lost life and ends it all before your very eyes. That's the stuff! That's the E fucking ticket ain't it baby?
Cleaned the house during the day. Made rice krispie squares. Drove two hours to get the kid's cell phone back. Took her to the mall. Found a new Mickey statue. Acted liked a normal person. Took a nap. Went to the show too early because I dropped the kid off at work on the way. Sat and wallowed until other people showed up and put on the happy face.
Stayed sober. One point me. Felt fat all night. Minus 10 points.
Picked up the kid. She got off late. Sat in a cold parking lot from 2:30 until 3:20 am waiting for her. Got home at 3:30. See first paragraph for what happened next.
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