Y3 D313

My god I slept like the dead yesterday. Most of the day and night were spent sleeping. It was as if my body and mind just gave up and I needed a full day to catch up. I got up around 8:15 after only four hours of sleep yesterday. Did some stuff on here and then passed out on the couch from 9 until around 11:15. The kid and I then went to get some food and went to a couple of thrift and antique stores again. I found a 1964 copy of the "it's a small world" album for .99. Major score. I am going to frame it. We came back home and she wanted to play some video games and I ended up falling asleep on the couch AGAIN for almost two hours. Amazing. When I woke back up, we watched some TV before she had to go to work at six. That was when things turned for me. I was alone in the dark and my brain started going nuts. These were the notes I wrote down:

that fun part of the day. the part of the day when all you here is your own brain. no other sounds around. no one else around. hello brain. what kind of bullshit do want to throw at me tonight? oh you want me to think about her some more? sure why the hell not. gee this is fun. whee. how about another topic. how useless i am. how horrible i am. destroyer of angels vortex of destruction and ruin. yep that’s me. whee. this is so much fun. why stop now, what else you got? just keep going. just keep throwing shit at me. scrape my edges for something new you fuck. oh, that’s all you got. fine. i am out of tears. i am out of patience. i am out of everything. i am an empty shell. i am a hollow place. i can hide behind my wall and my mask until until it slips and i do something stupid. oh there you go, let’s dredge up all the stupid shit. yep and we can tie it all together. why would she want to be with someone like me anyway. of course it makes sense we are done. everyone goes away in the end, remember?

Shows you where my head went. I ended up trying to do some work for a client to distract myself but nothing was working right and I got even more frustrated. I finally gave up around 9 and went to bed. I didn't think I could sleep any more but apparently I could. I just woke up from probably around 9:30. All in all yesterday I slept for almost 17 hours if you count from 4:15 Sunday until I got up this morning. Jesus. I don't think I have ever slept like that before. I had no alarms set this morning which was a small issue since I have a conference call in four minutes. But I am up and at the end of the day that's all that matters. 

I did get a phone call yesterday from an old friend. It's funny because lately I have been feeling guilty that there are people in my life I have lost touch with for no other reason than life getting in the way. She was one of those people I have felt bad about not being more proactive in contacting. It was nice that she called me and while I didn't answer (was sleeping), it felt good knowing we have the kind of friendship that can handle the gaps. 

I do miss TXGF. I won't lie about that. I wish she would call or text or just stop by to say hi. We went out for 8.3 months. So yes, I will get over her and I will be over her sooner that my mind thinks. I just need to keep swimming. I will make it through this and in the end it will all be okay. I still won't like myself, I will still be in a shitty place in my life, but I will still be.