Y3 D312

Its amazing the shit your brain will run through as you try to sleep at 4am. What did she do tonight since wasn't at the show? How is she doing? Has she met someone? Is she getting laid? Girls have it easier in that department don't they? Does she miss me? Did I do something wrong? I hate myself. I hate everything. I want to go away forever. I miss that morning she said wake up I'm horny. Is she horny? Does she MISS me? Why did I ever go out with her in the first place? Will I ever be happy for more than a short period of time? Why do I even bother? Why can't I be useful? Why am I such a fuck up? Why am I never good enough?

The show was hard last night. Really hard. Knowing she wasn't there or even at home waiting for me. Watching all the people laugh and have fun. On the outside I tried to make it look like I hadn't a care in the world. On the inside my brain was screaming. My mind was crying.

I guess my downfall makes for more interesting reading doesn't it? No one wants to read about the happy guy who has found the great girl and they don't argue or have any drama. No, that's not captivating reading. It's more fun to watch the car crash. Watch the melt down. Get your tickets for a front row seat to the end. Come one, come all. Come watch the fool. Watch him sing and dance as he mourns his lost life and ends it all before your very eyes. That's the stuff! That's the E fucking ticket ain't it baby?

Cleaned the house during the day. Made rice krispie squares. Drove two hours to get the kid's cell phone back. Took her to the mall. Found a new Mickey statue. Acted liked a normal person. Took a nap. Went to the show too early because I dropped the kid off at work on the way. Sat and wallowed until other people showed up and put on the happy face.

Stayed sober. One point me. Felt fat all night. Minus 10 points.

Picked up the kid. She got off late. Sat in a cold parking lot from 2:30 until 3:20 am waiting for her. Got home at 3:30. See first paragraph for what happened next.