ANA Y1 D126

Happy Friday my gentle readers. It is Friday so you all know what I have been doing already. Bills, bills, bills. Who is this Bill and why do I get all his mail? Ah yeah, some jokes never die do they. Feeling good this morning. The dynamic is continuing to shift here in the house. Last night C and I were talking about tomorrow and she wanted to make sure I was okay with all that driving. It dawned on me, well, why don't I stay the night?? Duh. So I looked up the lowest point hotel in a reasonable area and booked us a room. But I did that after asking B if they were okay with me not being home and that they didn't have anything Sunday morning where it would be a problem. I am still putting them and the household as the priority. Not first, but a priority. There's a difference. But the point is, we're there. Overnight stays. Weekend getaways. Plus I was talking with my sister and niece yesterday and my niece wants me to come for her baby shower in December. I told her I would think about it and if I did it wouldn't be alone. She is okay with all that. So I may be going to Seattle in December. We shall see. 

Taught all day, dead group. Was driving me nuts. Luckily I had a distraction again. Made it much less painful. It was another 11-7 so it felt like it ate my whole damn day up. After class I started moving books upstairs. I managed to get almost 3 of the 4 cases filled. I would like to finish up the rest tonight. That will be everything. Move some stuff around downstairs to make more room and let me feel like it's moving forward. Was exhausted though after doing it. But it was a good accomplishment. Had BBQ for dinner. Need to figure out what to eat tonight. I am no longer worrying about what B is eating. They were out anyway and didn't get home until almost 10. They were immediately on the defensive though. Again, I think the reality of life is hitting home and they don't like it. Not my issue.

Funny how everything has shifted. Life is fucking weird. Therapy today. House shit. Lash fill. Work. Then I get to see my baby. More on this after I have processed some feelings. I need to go over some stuff with my therapist before sharing them here.

ANA Y1 D125

I performed what will be my last big act of kindness for B last night. They're going to Alaska in November thanks to me. Cost me $11.21. Used up a good chunk of my remaining miles, not going to lie. But, I'm the hero of this narrative. Of course it wasn't a completely selfless act. Have you met me? They will be gone from 11/15 - 11/24. Nine days with their woman. Alaska in November. It will be in 20s and snowing. You have fun with that. Why wasn't it a selfish act? Because C (yes, no more NG, her name starts with C and I have a feeling she will be around for a while) will be spending that period of time here. That's right. I will be having my own overnight guest. B and I discussed it and a couple of other things in terms of boundaries changing, not being appropriate any more, etc. We're at 5 days now of complete separation and it's working fine. Better than fine. I'm ready. With or without C, I am ready. I am enjoying my space. It's been a long time since I felt I had space. We did butt heads a little bit yesterday honestly because I felt they were encroaching into my space. Their stuff was all over my kitchen counters and I wasn't happy about that. It felt like a violation. Weird. I did help them last night get one of the final pieces of their furniture set. When they move out, they will definitely be set on that. No matter what goes wrong, at least they've got that sofa issue handled. Just sayin'...

As for me I taught all day. 11-7. And guess who joined my class? C! She didn't join via the zoom link to confuse the client. Instead she connected through Discord where I had my camera on for her. Look, in 10 years, B never sat through one of my classes. She always said she would but it never materialized. I know it's dumb, but it made the day fly by. I wasn't sitting bored spewing the same shit for the 10,000th time. It just was fucking nice. Don't worry. I'm not "in love" or anything like that. I am infatuated for sure. I am happy. Let me have that, okay? Changed the bandage on my tattoo last night. I forgot to mention, when I saw my artist on Tuesday, she oohed and ahhed over my rabbit. She told me how happy it made her to see someone who knew how to take care of ink post job and wants to use pictures for her brochures on after care. Nice. That made me feel good because I always think I am doing a bad job.

After class, picked up that dresser. Got back, booked B's flight, spent the rest of the evening on video with C. We watched another episode of Bear. Good show. She has agreed to watch two seasons of the doctor with me. Say a prayer she falls for it. It would be glorious to have another Whovian in the house. Nope, getting ahead of myself. I get to see her in October twice and November now for a week. December will come and we'll figure it out. Then somehow it will be 20 fucking 23. What the fuck? How did that happen?

Same deal today. Nothing planned for tonight except moving books up from the basement. I want as much of my stuff out of there as humanly possible. Down to just the books. We will hit the October 1st goal. I know it.

ANA Y1 D124

Happy Wednesday kids! I had a glorious day of self-care. I've had radar love stuck in my head the last two days. Back back to yesterday. Started the morning with getting my nails done. Had a great talk with my nail girl just about everything. She updated me on her U-Haul lesbian drama. Sadly it does look like they're going to break up. A lot of red flags coming out. I feel for her because she was finally with someone who made her happy. Ah, but there are more lesbians in the sea. After nails I went back home to kill some time before my tattoo appointment. Managed to get the remaining 3 bookcases upstairs. No books, but got the bookcases at least. Need to figure out how I want to set them up. But that was the last thing of mine that I really needed from downstairs. I haven't gone into my old office since Sunday. Life fascinates me sometimes. I spent almost 4 years in that room and then bam, just done with it. I literally have no reason to be in there. Weird. 

Left for tattoo around 2, started on it at 3. Just like my nail girl, spent 4 hours talking with my artist. Had a great session. Very happy with the work. Was out of there about 7:15, went to group, went to after group, got home around 11. Talked with NG on video chat for about an hour, went to bed at midnight. 

Today and tomorrow are 11-7. My least favorite time to teach. But oh well. At least I am booked and busy. Want some pics of stuff? Of course you do:

 

ANA Y1 D123

SELF CARE DAY! I am taking a much needed vocal rest and day off today. First is a hair appointment, then nails, then new tattoo, then group, and post group. I plan to leave here around 9:30 and not be home again until 11pm. It will be a busy ass day. I am looking forward to all of it.

Taught all day yesterday. Made a steak for dinner. Watched two episodes of the bear together. In between episodes we chatted and learned more about each other. I think we were on for 3 or 4 hours total. I really like her. I can't wait to see her this weekend. She's taller than me! It's been a long time since I have been with someone taller! I mean it's only like 2 inches, but still. It means I can wear heels and not worry about towering over someone. That was about it for yesterday. No drama or issues. My ears are still clear. My head is clear. As I keep saying, I'm okay. Maybe some day I will believe it if I say it enough?

ANA Y1 D122

I am in my new office! It is very sparse in here so far. We will fix that slowly over time. There are two bookcases downstairs I want to bring up. I mostly have the room for them. I have four total down there that need to come up, but two will go in here, two in the media room. This was the second night I slept by myself. Yeah, not a problem if I am being honest. Again, it was nice to just shut off the sound machine, turn on a light, have all my clothes right at my fingertips. I'm going to be okay. B, NG, gf - I really don't need any of them to be okay. Any one of them is nice, some more than others obviously, but I don't *need* them. This bitch can do this. I will come out of this okay.

So yesterday was spent organizing this space, getting B a new dresser, moving their shit downstairs and organizing their space. It was a very busy and productive day. NG went to a concert and was out from 5pm until about 2am and I didn't get a chance to talk with them much. I did talk to gf too much though. They are trying to be friendly with me but I can tell it's hard for them. It was small talk but it was strained. I was already detached from them for at least two weeks before our talk hence why this is easier for me. Again, regardless of who else is in my life, I was already moving on. I just got lucky and found someone else. Nothing more than luck. I know it. Although I do get to see her in 120 hours. Not that I am counting or anything. 

B and I did have a good talk yesterday. It finally hit home with them that I am okay and moving on. To this point they haven't asked CGF to actually be their girlfriend. They were worried about me. I was touched and surprised to be honest. I told them to get on that shit! So now they're all excited for when CGF is in town because they're going to ask them in person. Cute. No, really, I think it's touching. I am happy for them. Later in the day we placed a clothing order for both of us for things to wear when we spend our time in two weeks with our respective paramours. It was a defining moment for both of us showing us both, we're friends, we're okay, we're good. 

This week I teach and get a new tattoo! Just got to make it through the week. Today is 8-4, tomorrow is hair, tattoo, group, wednesday and thursday 11-7, friday is therapy and a lash fill, then Saturday! Glorious saturday where I can see NG and have a good day. Okay week, let's do this!

ANA Y1 D121

I'm working on my laptop this morning from the media room. Yes I am calling it my media room. Used to be the guest room. Why do I get to call it that now and why am I on my laptop? Because my UPSTAIRS office is not assembled yet. Everything is in there, the cables are all run, but nothing is assembled. That will be today's project. I got everything moved and all the cables run. I slept alone last night and it didn't kill me. I have no anxiety, no tinnitus, nothing. I have all my clothes, all my stuff, is upstairs. I don't have to scoop shit, I don't have to deal with piss. That's their world now. Enjoy. I have always joked "I have a guy" when I need to get something done. Well I can now add "I have a gal" to that. Yesterday morning I posted in my support group discord server that I was struggling with the cable runs. Turns out, one of the members used to run cable for a living. Well hot damn. She came over around 6 yesterday and within an hour I had two network cables in that room all ready to go. I have to put a plate over it this morning because I literally have a hole in the wall, but damn if it wasn't what I needed. Since I knew they were coming over, we spent the day moving as much as we could in prep. By the time the cables were run all that was left was my desk and computer stuff. The closets were done, the clothes moved, it was awesome. I finally finished as much as I could around 11 and proceeded to get into MY bed (slept in the middle of the bed for the record), and video chat with NG for two hours. I m sure B did the same. Even though they had a taco bell dinner date earlier with CGF in the night. Meh, I am getting it. I might still tease them about shit, but I get it. While all this was going on, our friend came over for B to give them a manicure. It definitely slowed down my moving because I kept stopping to socialize. They also tried to convince me to go out with them at 10:30 but I was like nope, have shit to do. Not only did I want to finish moving stuff, but I wanted to talk to NG. Okay this sucks doing it in this room. Time to get my ass in gear and finish my office. 

ANA Y1 D120

I never understood Katrina and her waves, but I get them now. Hi kids. Yes, I am still doing great. I had another 3 hour video chat with NG last night. I am turning into B. Look I know I was chastising them for doing this shit very recently but I get it now, okay? I still think some of the stuff they're doing is weird and creepy like the whole "let me watch you while you sleep" but the general hanging out part, I get it. We just hung out while I did stuff in my office and she tried out some makeup looks for a concert tomorrow. I get it. I just want to be in the same room as her. It doesn't matter what we're doing, just as long as we do it together. 

Speaking of my office, I got very frustrated last night. I need some way of getting two network cables run upstairs. I can't go through the wall because I am dealing with an outside wall and it stuffed with insulation. I don't want to start cutting holes in my floor for the obvious reasons. I can't use wireless because of performance issues. I am very frustrated. I am going to approach it again from a different angle today, but goddamn it's annoying. I just need two tiny cables to move my ass upstairs. That's it. Once those cables are up there, B can have this entire downstairs. I must get this done today. 

I had a good day yesterday otherwise, cable issues aside. I had a good therapy session where we discussed why it is I tend to be attracted to and want to hang out with younger people. It's an energy thing. People my age all seem to settle. They get too comfortable and don't want to do anything or learn anything or try anything new any more. I can't. I just can't. You know how I feel:

Something has to change.
Undeniable dilemma.
Boredom's not a burden
Anyone should bear.
Constant over-stimulation numbs me
But I would not want you
Any other way.
Just not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I said
I don't want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive

Such truth. I need it. So bad. The thought of stagnation scares me more than anything else in this world. So yes, the attraction of youth, energy, wide eyed innocence. Bring it on. I also told my therapist I was about to repeat the cycle. I'm okay with it. If I get another 10 years, great. 5 even. Let me have this before I die. I don't want to sit on a porch somewhere and play with grandkids. Fuck that. Better to burn out than fade away.

We also discussed why I knew it was time to eliminate one thing from my life. We talked at length about my apathy towards gf. Why I just couldn't get motivated enough to want to be with them. It all goes hand in hand. I saw them moving nowhere. I saw them focused on one fucking thing - their kids. I don't have time for that. They will never escape their situation. They don't have the motivation to do so. Nope. Not for me. They don't want new experiences. They don't want to do anything because they're a victim of their own mind. 

Speaking of  new adventures, NG and I figured out a way to see each other earlier than originally planned. I am going next weekend to Grand Rapids for the day to go to Art Prize. A big city wide art exhibit. We're going to meet up, spend the day together, and enjoy exploring. I can't wait. Just one week and I can see her again in person. In the meantime, lots of video chats and messaging. The weekend will be here before you know it. I will be bouncing off the walls all week. 

Today is cable issue, a new dresser is being delivered, and that's about it. I must get the cable thing resolved come hell or high water.

ANA Y1 D119

Well hello there. How are you doing? I'm doing swell. I pulled a B last night. I was on a video call for over 2 hours with NG. We compared music libraries, taste in TV and movies, and books. Guess who is also a Chuck fan?? Woo! She sent me a message while I was sleeping telling me how she gushed about me to her friend after we got off our call. Now here I am gushing to all of you. Let me tell you how the next 10 years of my life are about to go. Rinse and repeat baby. Maybe this time it will be easier when she decides to leave me. Ask me in 2032. What? I'm okay with this. I have discovered my pattern, my habits, and my flaws. All good.

On the other hand, gf turned into a psycho bitch. She ran the entire gambit of feelings yesterday. From calling me manipulative, to whining about not being special enough to be a primary, to finally calming down and saying she wants to be my friend. I stayed calm through the whole thing which at a couple of points pissed her off even more. C'est la vie babe. I'm not playing games. I shared from day one how I felt and stuck to my boundaries. Is what it is. No matter what, all of this has been a good learning experience. From B to the GF to NG. I am learning about me, learning what I can tolerate, learning what pushes me over the edge. 

Taught my group, went to dinner with my friend. She was supposed to bring her new girlfriend but they too are having issues. Boundaries need to be respected. What was going to be a light dinner turned into us talking for two hours about how some people just don't know when to back off. She's worried about a U-Haul lesbian, I'm worried about a crazy chick, oh, and B had their own lesbian drama too. They had to block one of theirs. B showed me the message thread and it was severe. Some serious crazy ass shit. Luckily that one doesn't have a car and can't get to us. But woo boy was it crazy.

Therapy today, another day of teaching, then going to do some start of moving shit upstairs. This weekend should mark me and B being 100% separate. I just have to get this office moved. Step one, get my damn network cables up there. I have to figure that out. Once I get network cables up, the rest is easy. Once the office is moved, I literally have no reason to be down here and they have little reason to be upstairs. Our lives will take the next step. No more climbing up and down stairs. I am good with this. Wish me luck.

ANA Y1 D118

 I have reached the achy and sore portion of this cold. Lovely. The logical part of me knows I just need to stay home and do nothing for a day but yeah, that's not happening. Especially not last night. Last night needed to happen. I ended any kind of physical relationship with the gf. I did it in public so there wouldn't be a scene. At the time she was fine with everything, but of course five hours later I get a message telling me how unfair that was. Um duh? I did it on purpose? Strangers with this kind of honesty make me go a big rubbery one. She was a stranger. I may have fucked her, but she was a stranger. I didn't want to know her. I didn't want to get closer. That's why it needed to end. We said we could stay friends. Let's see how that goes. I expect to stop talking to her by the end of next month at the latest. 

In other news, I do get B and CGF more. I am experiencing the high of NRE with NG. In snap she has bumped two others for the coveted gold heart icon next to her name. Let's see if it makes it to red heart. I found out last night she also likes photography. When we go out of town in a couple of weeks (370 hours in case you're wondering) we're both bringing our cameras. I learned many things about her in the last few days. See? NRE. Getting to know you, getting to know all about you. This I like. The only difference between me and B is the whole video thing. I'm not glued to a screen to talk to NG. I can't do that. Not who I am in general. But otherwise, yeah I get it.

Taught day 2 with my group. I like them. They're all very nice. No issues, no problems. Two more days with this group. Finished around 5 and headed out for my dinner around 6. Was back home by 7:30. Watched some tv, relaxed, went to bed. Tonight I am having dinner with my friend and HER new gf. Lesbians of the world unite! 

I will go on the record and say once more, I'm okay. I will be okay. 

ANA Y1 D117

This cold is kicking my ass. It definitely is a cold too because B in a fit of paranoia went and had a real COVID test done yesterday. Negative. It's just a cold. I'm gonna pop some Dayquil today to see if it helps. I've got to get over this. Maybe if I stayed home and slept? Nah. That's just logical. Plus my dance card is too full.

Speaking of my dance card, NG used the girlfriend word yesterday. I am okay with it. It just means that tonight I have to break up with the other one. No, not because NG has an issue with me seeing someone else, it's because I want to. There is a definite vibe difference between the two and the closer I get to NG mentally and emotionally, the more I realize that for me, gf is nothing but sex. I have been sitting here talking to NG for hours a day via messages and learning more about her while gf I am apathetic to in that regard. I don't care. I don't care about your kids or your job. I have no interest in knowing more about you. It just doesn't matter to me. But yet, I want to know everything about NG. This should be a clear sign to me that their not right for my needs. Like I can't wait for NG to message me this morning but literally couldn't care if gf does. They serve one purpose, sex. But they're over here throwing the L word around. Nope. So tonight it ends. I plan on telling them the truth. I have been seeing someone else and am going to try and focus my energy on them. 

Talking with NG like I have been also shifts my perspective a bit on what B has been doing with CGF. Last night when I came home around midnight, they were on a video chat. I assume they had been on for a while and based on what B was wearing I assume they were doing a little video hanky panky. But yet, it didn't bother me. Because I am over here talking to NG for hours on the phone. Plus I got some R rated pics from them yesterday. The difference is the out loud talking. Mine is all silent and between us. B is bringing theirs into our home in a more direct way. That's the part that stings. But it is what it is. Soon enough I won't have to come down here or see them at all. I honestly can't wait until next year and they are out of here fully. Sad, but true.

Someone explain to me how this is my life right now? Seriously.

Started my next sessions with Human Society. Smaller group this time but still a good group. Four days with them total. I like teaching them. They are eager to learn and very engaged. My kind of people. We got through day one with no issues. After class I went to dinner by myself. I am getting so much more comfortable with just being me in public. Tired of hiding, tired of worrying. Just living my life as me. It's all I can do. Went to group after dinner, went to the restaurant after group. Had fun talking with friends and got home around 11:45ish. Was in bed around 12:30. 

Okay. Steel up here. Get through the day, break up, go to bed early. Those are the plans.