Y2 D69

I wonder if I am a textbook manic depressive. I feel like I go in the classic cycles without wanting or meaning to do it. See, I feel one of my turns coming on. I started feeling it last night. The attitude followed by the downward burn. The what does it matter it's all useless anyway feeling that comes creeping across. The malaise of life. Right now I don't care. I tried to sleep but when I am like this my thoughts turn to X2 and the life I had. Was I happy? I don't know. I never will truly know will I? See, here we go again. Same thoughts, same black hole. Same unforgiving pit of despair.

Yesterday pissed me off. I spent most of the day sending emails to different people trying to get updates to know if I was needed on a job site or not. Six fucking o'clock I finally get a response. I thought I was done with the project, but nope. They decided to completely alter the underlying architecture of what I was working on and now I have between 6 and 8 hours of changes I have to make because my co-worker fucked up his part of it. Not happy. We are completely out of hours on this project and I am the one who is going to take the hit because I am the presentation layer. I am the last piece in the puzzle. Last seen, first blamed. Why the hell did they bring me on so early if there was even a remote chance the back end work wasn't done?? On top of it, I have to be at another client this morning to do some final clean up work which means I have a 13+ hour day ahead of me. I am not complaining in the bigger sense because I need the work, but it's the annoyance level that is getting me. It's days like this that I want to go back to a normal corporate job where I go to the same place everyday and do the same thing. October. That's when I will start looking for something. I will get back into a regular lifestyle then. If I start looking in October, I should be lined up by January.

The kid and I were joking about something last night. Back up, context... I started re-arranging her room yesterday much to her chagrin. I needed to do something. I couldn't leave the house because I was essentially on-call, but I couldn't sit around bored either. So I re-arranged her room. Now that it is done she is much happier, but she threw a fit during the process. Anyway, I broke this mirror she had while moving things. It's a heart mirror from IKEA. Of course that spawned the inevitable "broken heart" jokes. I even kept the mirror saying "it will remind me of every heart I have ever broken". I took her to IKEA last night to replace it and on the way there we were talking about how she only has a couple of years until she is no longer a teenager. That made me depressed because when she is 20, I will be 45. She tried to placate me by telling me how not old that is but. I said to her in an off-handed way I wasn't even supposed to make it past 27. I then said, screw this. I will not turn 50 and be alone. We (well me, with her thinking I am joking) decided that on July 6th 2018 if I am still alone, I will kill myself at 49. This way I never have to turn 50.

She thinks I am joking.