Y2 D81

If you're going to fall off the wagon, make sure it's a good fall. Man my fucking head hurts. I chased the green fairy hard last night. An entire bottle of champagne and 3/4 of a bottle of absinthe. Why did I fall off yesterday?

This weekend marks one of three times I can remember in the 13 years we were together that I heard X2 say "I love you" and mean it. One of those rare times when it comes without prompting or expectation. When it comes truly from the heart and you know, just know inside of you that the person means it. The expression of unconditional love. It was August 16th 2007. Might have been the 17th, but the actual date is irrelevant. It was where we were and what we were doing. We were in Pebble Beach at the Concours D'Elegance. The annual car show where the best of the best come out. We were pre-celebrating our 10 year anniversary. We had a hotel right on the ocean. We could literally walk out of our hotel room and into the water. At night we could hear the waves splash against the beach. It was 3am. We had spent the day at the show bidding on cars, meeting the chef at the restaurant, meeting the owner, sharing bottles of champagne, cigars, desserts, getting invited into Chrysler's private party, hanging out with Future Sound of London, tequilas, rums, wines -- everything decadent and what life is supposed to be like. We had arrived back at the hotel, ordered an ice cream sundae bar, made love, and in those early morning hours, all the lights on, the waves crashing against the sand, she looked me in the eyes and said "I love you". Pure and simple.

BUT here we are three years later. Oh how my life has changed. And now with the past in the past, I look back and reflect; did she love me or was it the culmination of everything we had done that day. Was I a means to an end to give her the lifestyle she so craved and desired? Was it the fact that I had an American Express card in my pocket with a pre-approved transaction for $75,000 so I could bid on a 1974 Alfa Romeo Montreal for her? Was it the $400 a night hotel? Was it the caviar and champagne we enjoyed with a man who was selling his $575,000 Bentley? Was it all that or was it me? I will never know. One good thing about being in the situation I am in right now, is that if someone DOES like me, they like me for me. Not for my money, not for what I can give them, no, just little old boring fucked up, screwed up me.

There were two more times in our life when I heard her say it like that weekend. One in October 2008 which we will discuss then, and once in August 1997. A week from now. We will go over that in a week. October is more like this, 1997? No. A story unto itself.

How I wish, how I wish you were here. We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year. Running over the same old ground, what have we found? Wish you were here....