Y2 D158

Two down, one to go. My god this has been a long weekend. I don't know if I can do one more show. Last night was a disaster. People were missing, cues were missed, props were in the wrong place; just a bad night.

Daytime? Boring. Didn't do anything except sleep and get ready for last night's show. Hung around the house. Made food for the cast. Man I am so tired this morning. Didn't get home until 4. Now I have like 5 hours to get all my stuff done for work tomorrow before heading off to the third show.

Y2 D157

One show down two to go. I am so glad I stayed home yesterday. I needed the sleep like crazy. I caught up on all my sleep and actually don't feel too awful this morning. Feel pretty good given I didn't get in until 3:30. I seriously spent the majority of the day sleeping. I did get through season 3 of Heroes. Only have about 14 more episodes to watch in season 4. I would like to finish that off today. I can't believe I have watched almost 78 episodes of a single show like this all in a row. Damn. Went to the store to pick up a couple of things for the pets, but otherwise didn't leave the house until 9.

Had one small issue yesterday but I handled it without stressing out. My paycheck wasn't what I expected although I was expecting that to happen. I normally get a larger check at the beginning of the month, but technically since it was still October it came through in the smaller amount. I asked my bosses if they could cut a manual check for the difference and subtract it from the next check. They said that should be no problem and I should have it by the 5th. Perfect. Crisis averted.

I picked up three other cast members last night. Had a full car. Fun peeps. All of them under 21 which was weird. I learned that I am a DILF. Nice. That's a new one for me. I guess it's not the worst thing I have ever been called.

Did the show, learned I may be up for a promotion on tech crew. Don't know to what extent yet, but I should learn more tonight. I know it sounds dumb, but it gives me a sense of accomplishment and pride. It will mean more getting sucked into some of the drama, but it also means keeping me out of trouble too. Give me something other than work or booze to focus on which is a good thing. Show as sold out as is tonight's show. Some VERY hot young things walking around these shows half naked. Dear god. I saw more boob last night without having to pay for it than I have ever seen. We actually had to make one girl leave because she kept popping out of her dress. She was found later in the bathroom praying to the porcelain goddess. And she wasn't the only one. Later in the night I kept checking on one kid who was over his head. Then our directors, who were taking the night off from performing, appeared out of nowhere completely HAMMERED. I have never seen them like that. Made me feel good to see them human for once. But unfortunately not everyone can hold their liquor. At the end of the show all of a sudden paramedics showed up. Some little one got over her head and needed to be escorted home in the back of an ambulance. I will find out tonight more details, but it's probably nothing. And to think, last night was Friday and not even Halloween yet. Can't wait to see what excitement tonight and tomorrow's shows bring...

Y2 D156

I am home sick today. This explains in part why I was so cranky yesterday morning. I woke up at 2 coughing up phlegm and not being able to breathe. I am staying home today. I have three shows this weekend and need to be healthy for them.

Yesterday was pretty uneventful. I worked for 6 hours and decided to go home and pass out. Which I did. I slept for three hours, watched Heroes, took a bath, watched some more Heroes, pounded TheraFlu and went to bed. That was my day. Today is starting off a little frustrating but we will hold that until tomorrow, won't we?

Y2 D155

Yesterday was one of those days that makes me rethink my decision not to drink. Work was stressful, but worse was when I got home. My package form the old place arrived last night - three months of mail that had been sitting there piling up. Most of it was junk, but there were three or four things that caused me serious stress. First was a letter from the bank where I have my car loan. Seems that because my insurance lapsed, they didn't have the correct info on my new policy. If I didn't call them immediately they were adding $300 a month to my car payment to cover insurance. I called them up to give them the policy number and they told me my insurance was insufficient. I had to call the insurance company and change my policy. That added $50 a month to my premium. I don't have another $50 a month. Now this morning I have to call the bank to make sure they have all the right info. The next was a letter from my timeshare in Tahoe. Seems I owe them $1000. I am going to call them today to tell them I don't want the property and they can have it. The worst one though was from the IRS. They have been sending letters to my old address and are now threatening me with liens and tax evasion. I have to call them to straighten that out. I don't know where I am coming up with any money to pay them every month. I am hoping I can get away with $50 a month to them too. I am going to have to cancel or eliminate something from my current monthly bills, but I don't know what. I can drop my phone down maybe $20. Turn off all the lights to get my electricity down $10. Give up my netflix for another $10. But that's about it. Everything else is mandatory. I can maybe adjust my amex payment but they weren't happy about it being as low as it is anyway. I need to figure this out. More stress. Fuck me.

Y2 D154

I am so damn tired this morning. Worn out to be exact. Yesterday was grueling. I am now beyond the challenging phase at work and into the this sucks ass phase. These reports are killing me. They are more frustrating than anything I have dealt with in a while. Just pissing me off.

I had to go to a walk through last night for our big Halloween show, then come home and do blocking diagrams for the tech crew. It was a long day followed by a long night. I haven't slept much the last few nights and last night didn't help any. Plus, the theater where we are doing the Halloween show is right by X2's office. All the way there and all the way back all I did was think about her. Fuck me.

I am drained and exhausted mentally and physically right now. Need to rest but no time. I can't afford to take a day off yet. I need to save any PTO days for next week since I have three shows this weekend and KNOW I will be even more tired than I am right now.

What I am really worried about is that I am getting sick. I fight like mad to keep sickness at bay, but right now it feels like I am on the edge of developing a cold. That's making me grumpy. Off to work. I hope I can knock these damn reports out today.

Y2 D153

Sometimes memories suck. Especially when it is a memory of something that at the time was good. Better than good, downright beautiful. Damn near perfect. It was two years ago that X2 and I had one of the most incredible nights of our time together. We had been fighting all year, we both knew our marriage was over, but for one night we put all that to the side and we remembered why we had been together for so many years. It was one of three times in 13 years I can remember her saying that she loved me and I honestly felt she meant it. It was one of only three times where I felt the sincerity and the love. Not just the words.

We had been invited to a private dinner party for A Longe & Sons release of their new 2009 watch collection. This was a party in the Hollywood Hills at the private showcase home A Longe had built. We had been invited months ago but didn't think we would go because of how much we had been fighting. At the last minute we agreed to go. we booked a room at the Beverly Hilton and  headed off to West Hollywood. From the minute we got on the road, everything was perfect. No traffic, perfect weather, no hassles, no arguments.

We checked into the hotel, went down to their wine bar as we had a few hours to kill and relaxed. We actually enjoyed each other's company. We then drove to the house. The party was perfect. About 25 guests total, champagne, a wonderful dinner, gorgeous watches, swag bag which included a $1000 gift card towards the purchase of a watch. We hung around for an hour or two and then decided to head to Dantana's one of our favorite restaurants in West Hollywood. Not only did we find seats at the bar in five minutes, but we were center bar. We ended up staying there until 2 am well after closing, met the greatest guy who has been a customer for 35 years (he is a casting agent and just a nice guy), met so many other wonderful people, but the best moment and the moment I knew we were in was when the waiter called me a 'cocksucker'. That meant he considered us part of the crowd. Part of the special people who were still in the place after 11pm (closing time). We had food, drinks, conversation. The bartender even asked at one point if we were on a first date. When we told him we had been married for 11 years he was floored. He said we looked happy and in love. At that moment, we were.

We got back to the hotel around 3, and then she said it. She said it and it touched me deeper than anything. We made love until the sun came up, had breakfast in bed, and headed home. The bliss lasted through the day. It was the perfect weekend.

And honestly, the perfect end. While that wasn't the last time we were 'happy', it was definitely the last time we were close and actually felt something for each other.

Now? Now I look at it and wonder if she loved me because of the life I was giving her or because of me. Was it that we were at a party where the watches start at 12,000 and I offered to buy her one? Was it that I took her to a party in the Hollywood Hills? Was it the Beverly Hilton? Was it Dantana's? Was it ME?

I don't know. I never will know. This is why memories suck. This is why I wish I could erase parts of my mind. Would I want it back? No. I am happier where I am today. That may be alone, broke, and stressed - but at least it's mine. I own it and I know it's real.

As Lao Tzu said -- My memory of you is better than you.

Y2 D152

I went to church yesterday. Before you freak out, let me explain why. The other day X1's mother called me to see how my brother is doing. she is just that type of person. We started talking and she mentioned that there is this one priest at their church she thought I should hear, and in a moment of niceness, I told her the next time they go and he is speaking, I would go with them. Now, in the back of my mind, I also had an ulterior motive. At some point, X1's lifestyle is going to catch up with her. All the running around, all the drama she has put her family through, it's all going to catch up and the shit is going to hit the fan. When that happens I know it is going to impact me. If it happens before the kid moves in with me, then I can hear it already - 'I need more money, I need this, I need that'. If I have her mother on my side because I have spent more time with them, and gone to church with them, and shown them how swell I am, it will benefit me in the long run. It doesn't hurt me to spend an hour of my time doing something for someone else if in the long run I can possibly benefit from it. Yes, that is selfish. Yes that is using the situation to my advantage, but so what?

I will also admit that the priest wasn't bad. I disliked all of the ritual and rote sheep behavior I witnessed yesterday, but I did enjoy his actual sermon. His message and story were pertinent to me and I took something away from that. If I could have just heard the sermon and not had to sit through the rest of the crap, I would have been happy. That's the big issue -- there's nothing wrong with listening to an inspiring or thought provoking message. I like that because it makes me think and makes me aware of things in my life. It's the other crap I can do without. The standing and sitting and all the repeat after me and blind obedience. That's religion and I hate religion.

After church I came home, finished a jigsaw puzzle, watched Heroes, ironed, and went to bed. Nothing exciting. Today is a major mental day for me which we will discuss tomorrow, but at least now I can connect the dots and I know why X2 has been on my mind so much lately. It's because of today and what it represents.

Off to work.

Y2 D151

I had a really good day yesterday, long but good. I spent some money and need to be careful this week, but not so much that I am freaking out. It's money spent on a good cause which makes me feel good. My buddy and legendary surf artist Drew Brophy (www.drewbrophy.com) has signed a deal with Nordstroms and Ugg boots to go to different stores and paint boots. I saw he posted on Facebook he was going to be at one in my area. I had to go. I ended up getting a pair of grey Ugg boots with a dragon in black painted on the sides. Very cool. I needed a pair of winter boots anyway which is why I didn't feel bad spending the money. Plus anytime I can support someone I care about, I will.

Ironically I got a text yesterday from X1 saying she hasn't seen her monthly check yet. She thinks I do something with it. Woman, the checks go out automatically from the bank. I am sorry if the USPS moves slow, but there's nothing I can do about it. Plus I technically have until the end of the month for you to receive money. Sending me text messages doesn't magically make it appear any faster.

After getting home from seeing Drew I napped, bummed around the house then at 9 headed out for the show. We met at the regular before show bar and I am very proud to say I didn't drink. Had a couple of diet cokes before the show and that was it. Did the show, had pie with a couple of cast members afterwards and was home in bed by 3:15. A64 was in a mood last night. I get the weirdest signals from her. Maybe it's because I am a guy and I only have one thing on my mind, but whatever. I mean she stresses how she has her 'boy' but then hugs me and gives me a kiss on my neck. She seems to be flirting with me, but like I said, maybe I am just reading too much into it. Maybe because I want there to be flirting I am seeing something that isn't there. On a similar note, the directors and I decided that the kid should marry their kid. We both have managed to raise responsible, smart kids and we think they would be perfect together. That should go over well with them.

Just got up now and feel good.

I like feeling good. I like feeling good physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Y2 D150

Wow, 150 days into it. Almost halfway through the year. Amazing. I am still alive, still functioning. Huh. Amazing.

Went to work yesterday, still being challenged by the reports I am working on. Started to take its toll a little bit yesterday. There's a challenge and then there is just frustration. I was having a hard time getting into because of this. Midday I decided to switch from the one report I was working on and move to a different one to stretch my brain back. Smart move. I made it 70% through one of the other reports by doing this.

After work I decided to 'treat' myself. I went to Old Navy and bought new pajama bottoms. I know, exciting, right? The weather has changed and I wanted some new ones to keep me a little warmer without having to put huge blankets on the bed. I figured $12.50 wouldn't kill me. I started looking in other stores first and found some I liked for $40 but in my head I was thinking 'I don't want to spend that much'. That's a good change for me. Learning how to be frugal without denying myself some basics. Baby steps.

Came home, did laundry, and made stuff in the kitchen -- made mac & cheese, blackberry scones, and dessert fries. The fries are sliced poundcake dipped into raspberry puree as ketchup. Not too shabby. I baked the slices a little long and they were crispier than I would have preferred, but the taste was still good.

Watched some Heroes, went to bed. Had a dream about X2. She had returned and was doing laundry which means she brought my washer and dryer back. The ones that she had to have so bad then included when the house was sold. Bitch. In my dream she had sold my fridge too. And I was pissed. After everything I went through to get my fridge back she had the nerve to sell it. That would sum up our relationship.

Not much going on today. Going to bum around in the morning. It's raining right now and I am not motivated to really leave the house. Have a show tonight which means naptime around 3 or 4. I was hoping to ride the bike tonight, but if it's raining that's out of the question.

Here's to another boring day. Gotta love them...

Y2 D149

Before I get into yesterday, let me just tell you that it's been a little rough for me lately mentally. For some reason I have been thinking about X2. Nothing in particular, just these passing thoughts about what she is doing or where she is, etc. Not sure why now it's happening. Maybe because of the upcoming holidays? Maybe because I have been alone now for 4 or 5 weeks? Don't know. I wish it would stop.

Went to work in the morning. I am enjoying myself on this project because it is proving to be a challenge. It's not a straight forward set of reports and it is causing me to stretch myself technically which while frustrating is always fun. I have a goal today let's see if I can hit it.

After work, I went over to my director's place to help build kits for our upcoming shows. We make the majority of our money for the cast by selling kits before the shows to people in line. We needed to make 578 kits last night. It wasn't too bad. Took us a little over 2 1/2 hours to get them all done with seven people. Was a nice repetitive task that we could just barrel through. Kind of like working on an assembly line. We talked and laughed while shoving all the little goodies into brown paper bags. No drama, no worries. I brought cupcakes and I didn't drink. Another night of showing good impulse control especially since there were people drinking and I even brought a bottle of wine. It was a belated birthday gift for one of the girls and she opened it immediately. I politely declined a glass. I knew if I started drinking it, I would have finished more of the bottle than her. Impulse control.

Got home around 10:30 and went straight to bed. Today is work, then a stop at the Halloween store to see if I can find a costume I like. Show on Saturday.

Y2 D148

An open letter to corporate America:

For the record, the fax machine is 30+ year old technology. Why do you insist on keeping it around? I mean seriously, who even has a landline at home anymore? Don't ask me to fax you documents nor ask me if you can fax me something. Use a MFC device to scan and email it to me for crying out loud...

That's just been on my mind. Don't know why. It's silly, but it drives me nuts. I have been talking to a couple of people trying to deal with my time share and they are all well we need you to fax us a copy of the deed. Fax? Really? You don't have email and a printer? Hell, why do you need paper anyway? The paperless office. What a joke.

Anyway, nothing going on. Went to work, have some stuff from the client to work on and he is a good client. He gave me a set of six reports and last night he asked 'so about 2 weeks or so?'. I looked at him and told him he was being very generous as I had expected to have them done in about a week maybe a little longer. His boss overheard and was happy about this. I was being honest, not trying to kiss ass. They are complex, but once I get through the tricky part, 4 of them will drop at once. The nice thing is I can ride the bike to their office, I can get in at 7:30 and work until 4 and I am there for at least 10 weeks. Cool beans.

Came home, made waffles, watched Heroes, went to bed. I am almost through season 3. I think I have about 30 more episodes to watch and I will be done. Man I love me Netflix.

Tonight I am going over to my director's house to help build props. That should be fun.

Y2 D147

Hm, what did I do yesterday... let's see, in the morning I went off to a client and helped his confidence level. He thought had messed something up, but I told him that what he had done was actually looking really good and he was ready for production. That made both of us feel good. I then putzed around in the town where the client was as I didn't want to get back on the freeway just quite yet. I hadn't been in his area in a while and hadn't been on the main streets in years. Was kind of nice, but a bit of hurt crept in as I had walked those same streets many times with X2. That got me meandering down memory lane a little. I will say I loved the smell in the air. Felt very autumnal. That crisp scent of leaves and impending winter.

Headed back home and worked on some minor stuff for the rest of the day. Watched a few episodes of Heroes and went to bed. Oh, I made cupcakes in there somewhere. That's about it. Nothing to write home about.

Good boy.

Y2 D146

Holy hell, who would have thought that going out for the first time in weeks would get me into so much trouble? I mean seriously? What the hell happened last night? I didn't mean for it to get out of control like that. I swear I thought I could handle it.

Heh, I'm just fucking with you.

I did go out last night, but nothing exciting happened, and nothing bad happened. For once, I proved I can enjoy myself without breaking the bank, getting into trouble, or finding myself passed out in a ditch. I went to the movies last night. Yes, by myself. I have no problem with going to movies alone. It's no big deal in my mind. I went and saw Red. Cute movie. A little long given the premise is straight forward, but it was still enjoyable. AND more importantly, I had a drink last night. A single drink. I proved that I can do that too. I showed impulse control. Let me back up and we will discuss.

Spent the morning at the DMV taking care of the vehicles. Got there at 6:47am and was first in line. When the doors opened at 8, I was out of there by 8:09. One hour and thirteen minutes of waiting outside to be done in 8 minutes. Yeah, it was worth it. Back home I put the stickers on the bike and the car. I then decided to go for a ride. I ran over to the bank to get some cash for laundry. That will be today's big excitement. Then I rode over to the motorcycle store to get some cleaner. Unlike a car, where everything is protected by a hood, on a bike, everything is exposed. Being clean isn't about vanity, it's about safety. $5 for a can of cleaner is worth it. Came back, cleaned the bike, did some work. Got a call from one client asking if I could come out today and help them. No problem. That's why the early post today. Have to drive out to the client in a few.

My replacement phone came around 4 yesterday. Have to find a fedex office today to send the old one back. I forgot how clean and pretty this phone was when I first got it. The new one is working great so far. Very happy with Verizon.

Around 6 I headed out to the movie theater. I got there about 6:20 and decided to hit the restaurant next door where I know folks. I went in, said my hellos, and had one drink. Told the bartender that I was seeing a movie and couldn't stay long. And I did just that. Had my drink, went to the movies, came home, in bed by 10pm. Total spent about $30, but I had fun and didn't go crazy or do anything stupid. Yay me.

Y2 D145

Didn't do much of anything yesterday but I feel like I did a lot. It rained all day yesterday which put me in a blue sort of mood. Not a depressed mood, just melancholy. You know how it is when you have that first big rainy day of the season. You can't tell what time it is, it always feels later than it really is, etc. I meandered around the house in the morning then went and ran a couple of errands. Finally was able to buy some of the basics I have been needing like razors. Still being good and didn't go ape shit and blow it. That's the good part. I am struggling this morning to really remember what I did yesterday because there wasn't much to it. Bought some logs, lit a fire, made mac and cheese, watched more Heroes. I am in Season 3. I am about 40 episodes into it. Have less than half to go. Went to bed early because I was sleepy and it was already dark out at 6:30. No, I didn't go to bed then, but I was in bed by nine. See? Not much of much. This is not a bad thing. It's a good thing. Today I am off to the DMV to get my car stuff situated. Then work on a training program I am developing. Another pleasant valley Monday...

Y2 D144

LONG day yesterday even without a show. I got up and headed out to get ink for the printer around 10 as I need to print out all my insurance documents to take to the DMV tomorrow. As I was getting the ink, the fridge movers called. They were supposed to be at the storage unit between 11 and 1 and they were supposed to give me 1/2 hour notice. It was about 10:15 when they called and they were already there. Dang. I rushed over to the storage unit to meet them. The whole process took roughly an hour. We were done by noon. Got the fridge situated and started taking shelves out to clean the thing. After 18 months in storage, it was a little messy inside. I need to get some baking soda or something today to make sure it stays clean and to air out some of the musty smell. But damn if it ain't cool having my fridge back in the house. I can see it right now. Hello beautiful.

After that I headed over to the park where one of my friends was having a birthday gathering. She didn't want a real party, just some of us to get together and play board games. There were 4 other people besides her and me. I was by far the oldest. They were all 20 except for me. Sigh. I know sometimes I am creepy old guy, but whatever. I just wanted to play Scrabble. Which we did and I trounced them, severely. It was 228 (me) to 135 to 73, to 58. Yeah, I whipped them. After Scrabble it got a bit cold and I felt I was done. They were talking about college and high school and it was time to go. Seriously, I just wanted to play Scrabble.

When I returned home I decided to deal with the fridge and what I was going to do with it now that it was in my dining area. I decided to use it as my pantry. I moved everything that was in the cabinets like boxed goods, baking stuff, oils, etc into the fridge. Kind of neat. In the cabinets? Books. I think I may actually take the doors off the cabinets to allow you to see the books too. Haven't decided on that for sure or not yet. That will be today's thinking.

I then went and checked the mail. What's this? A check for $600. What?? Expense reimbursement? SO THAT'S HOW THEY ARE DOING IT. I actually haven't been paying attention to my expenses because it's been a little here, little there the last few months and I assumed it was being rolled into payroll. Nope. Separate check. Thank you. I needed that buffer.

Now, here's where things could have gone terribly wrong -- I could have easily gone and blown money on booze or food or whatever. I didn't. I am proud of me. What did I do? Well, I did treat myself. I drove over to a friend's house and we went and had Indian food. Yep. That was my big treat. Best part? He picked up the check. Wow. I was not expecting that, I was ready to pay my share, but he picked up the check. Nice. It would have only been $25 for me, but I am really thankful. That was a nice needed gesture. I totally enjoyed myself last night. No booze, good food, relaxing. Drove home, went to bed. Was in bed by 10:30. Pat me on the head and call me a good boy.

Today is video games and Heroes. I am not blowing this.

Y2 D143

Another boring day yesterday, sort of. I stressed out in the morning over money. My bosses did come through at 9pm last night with $1000 for all my registrations. Of course it was too late for the check to clear or for me to go to the DMV. Guess what I get to do on Monday? The upside was I at least re-established all my insurance policies. I can now go to the DMV without worrying about having proof of insurance. That's taken care of as of last night. I just need to get printer ink to print out the cards.

I went to the poor people grocery again yesterday. Bought the bare essentials - eggs, milk, cheese. Had pancakes last night for dinner. Food is food.

Also went to the phone store yesterday. That was a positive experience. My phone has been misbehaving and I showed them the problem and they are sending me a new one today or Monday. For free. I had three weeks left in my warranty. I picked the perfect timing to go into the store. This means I should have a new phone that lasts another year. Thank goodness.

That's about it. I was supposed to go see a friend perform, but since I couldn't get a ride I stayed home. I am sure she is disappointed, but I wasn't going to spend the money on gas, parking, etc to go by myself.  Just not interested in doing that alone.

Today the fridge movers come. That will keep me busy. Tonight, nothing. I am 33 episodes into Heroes. Only 44 more to go. That equals roughly 35 more hours to watch. No need to leave the house, right?

Y2 D142

I just sent my bosses an email asking for a cash advance to pay my insurance and registration. Let's see if they get back to me. Without a car, I am useless to the company. Plus I got a letter from the DMV yesterday saying that if I don't pay my bike registration they are going to turn it over to the tax board. Nice.

Just fucking shoot me. Now.

I can't take this any more. It's ridiculous. It's idiotic. I shouldn't be living like this. I want to run. I want to go away.

No, I am not tripping out and going down the rabbit hole. I am just frustrated that's all. I am just getting angry that I am in this spot. I am trying to deal with a dual income life on a single income. I have stripped everything out that is unnecessary. I am living off scraps off food in my fridge. But man, nothing is helping. I have nothing to sell that would be worth anything, I have tried to find a second job which is tough, and I am basically a hermit so I don't spend any money. This is no way to live.

Y2 D141

I have less than 24 hours to go until I get paid and I have roughly $20 in the bank. BUT nothing is late. I paid the one bill I was afraid I wouldn't be able to pay on time. That makes me feel pretty good. The fucked up part is when I do get paid, on Saturday I will pay all my other bills for the second half of the month including X1, and that will leave me with a whopping $100 to make it through the month. I still have no idea how I am going to pay my car registration and insurance. I have no car insurance right now. I am going to have to ask my bosses for an advance but if they refuse, then I am screwed. I will have no insurance, no registration, AND no money. Just fucking shoot me please??

Positives? I will be working for 400 hours at the place 1 mile away. This is good. I also have the fridge coming on Saturday. Have to figure out how to pay them, but I will just wing it. That in the end is worth it because it saves me money. I may have to move something around. I am going to try and call X1 today and tell her that I need to change my payment permanently by $100. She is probably going to yell at me but fuck her. If I took her to court, I could show that I have been over paying for the last six months. Make her OWE me. Yeah right. Life doesn't work that way, now does it? Dammit. I tried to come up with a positive and went right back down the hole.

I seem to have a new nickname from A64 - Mr. Bunny. Ok. Whatever.

My brother came over for a few minutes yesterday. He was on his way to the airport to pick someone up and graced me with his presence. Actually, I am glad to see him up and about. He looked bloated but otherwise, he was looking okay. Not great mind you, but he is moving around and that is good.

Random - There is this hair salon by my house that I notice whenever I go out. I have to pass it to get to the main streets. I always see these things in their window, but yesterday it bugged me for some reason. They have a Patrick Nagel print in the window (one of the cheap ass flea market ones) and a sign saying 'We use and recommend Paul Mitchell products'. Ok, can you be any more 80s? I mean seriously. 1985 called, it says to leave it alone...

I am 20 episodes into Heroes. Only 57 more to go.

Had to listen to my downstairs neighbors most of the afternoon/evening yammer on about fantasy football. That was fucking annoying. I guess I am just annoyed this morning. Really fucking annoyed...

Y2 D140

Wow, I am doing pretty darn good this morning. See?? What did I tell you about booze and women? Without them, I am doing GREAT. I had a fantastic day yesterday. Didn't do much during the day as I am still on hold for work. I did spend about 2 hours on a webinar where I was one of the "answer people" while my bosses did the actual presentation. Basically I sat there and watched the screen and when a random question would come up, I answered it. In 2 hours I answered three questions. Not exciting, but it counts as paid work.

I watched more episodes of Heroes. Damn I am hooked now. I am 10 episodes in with 67 to go. Roughly 48 hours left of watching. Good. It will keep me in the house and out of trouble this weekend as I have no shows to do.

I almost didn't go to the dinner party last night. I was this close to not going because I didn't want to drive. But I got over it and I am glad I did. I had a great time AND I did it without booze. I managed to enjoy the entire night without being a drunken idiot. I actually had conversations, remember people's names, and got to enjoy the food I was eating. I even remembered to bring home the leftovers put aside for me. AMAZING how much better things can be when you're not drunk off your ass. I was home at a decent time, in bed by 11, and feel good this morning. Fucking incredible.

Then right before I went to bed I got confirmation that I will be starting a 10 - 12 week project ONE mile from my house. No stress for a while. I have at least 400 confirmed hours walking distance away. Nice. I have $100 in the bank and have to make it through today and tomorrow. Goddamn, I am making good choices, holding on, and doing alright.

Ok, where's the other shoe?

Y2 D139

Another bad night. Multiple dreams about people I shouldn't be dreaming about. X2, H1... just bad shit. Tossed and turned all night long because of it. I seem to have my waking mind more under control, but am losing my sleeping mind. Time for me to not sleep again I think.

Watched 5 episodes of Heroes yesterday. I never watched it when it was on. Netflix has all four seasons so fuck it. That will keep me busy for a while I figure. There are 23 episodes in season one each 45 minutes long. That will keep me for a going 18-20 hours, right?

Sat around again yesterday. Looked like for a while I might have to go out of town tomorrow for a training class, but in the end we decided it wasn't worth it. Since I have nowhere to apply what I will learn, it's better to wait until they redo the class in December. Oh well.

Ate weird last night - tater tots and a corn muffin with a few slices of cheese and some nuts for dessert. Only a few more days. Tonight I shall eat well. My buddy is doing another of his dinner parties. $20 I don't have, but I want to go. The menu is:

celery julep aperitif 

white corn soup with a chive biscuit and pickled vegetables 

roasted chantrelles and shaved celery hearts with sorrel, pickled sultanas and pumpkin seed vinaigrette 

fried squid po' boys on brioche with a squid ink aioli and smoky celeriac remoulade

rustic cornmeal fregolata with cardamom applesauce and prosecco sabayon.

Not too shabby. I will eat well at least once this month. And no real meat. Fried squid I can pick at or not eat. Keep to my control choices.

My phone starting going insane last night. The screen is doing weird things. I am hoping to hit a Verizon store today to see if they can do something about it. I may be screwed.

Y2 D138

Weighed in at 155 yesterday. That makes 5 lbs down in ten days. Six more to go before the end of the month. I am pretty sure I can do it. Two pounds a week? Not a problem.

I started thinking about something while I was in the shower yesterday. I thought about how civil, if not downright boring my posts have been for the last couple of weeks. I also started pondering why and what has changed. The answer? I took two things out of my life - women and booze. I then started thinking about how every time I seem to be losing it or in deep, it's because of these two things. I then reflected on some of the fictional characters I identify most with currently on TV. Don Draper from Mad Men and Hank Moody from Californication. What's their Achilles heel? Women and booze.  When the two are put together it makes for a lethal concoction. It's like it's the universe's way of keeping men in check - you get one or the other. Try to have both and you're going to get fucked. Plain and simple. Seriously, think about it - when a good old fashioned alcoholic tries to have a relationship it usually ends in bad news. And when a guy IN a relationship gets in trouble it's usually because booze was involved. You can't have both, sorry. The universe just says no. That means I need to make a decision about which I want more. Do I want a life filled with booze and meaningless interactions with one night stands where I don't have any deep connection or do I want a fulfilling relationship where I am never allowed to be a slobbering drunk fool when I feel like it? Honestly that's a real question - freedom to behave as badly as I want and not have remorse, or connection on a deeper level with another human being. Never thought about it quite like that huh? I mean really they both will leave you broke and worn out, but which one is more satisfying? Which one brings more completeness?

The other thing I pondered yesterday was how it's funny that men see themselves as the protector. It's come up here time and time again where I fall into certain traps of ending up making bad choices because I want to protect some woman. But in reality, it's women who are the real protectors. Mothers, wives, girlfriends. They are always protecting men from things, mostly themselves. Which is why they won't let us drink like we would want left to our own devices. See universe rule above.

I hate days like yesterday where I have too much time on my hands. It leads to thinking which leads to over analyzing which leads to frustration which leads to... yeah you get the picture.

I honestly wish sometimes I could be ignorant; not stupid mind you, just blissfully ignorant. I am often jealous of people who are able to lead simple lives without the need to analyze and think in depth about things that really are irrelevant. The kind of person who can get up in the morning, do their chores, crack open a beer, sit around watching sports on TV, hanging out with the family, bed. So simple and nice. I am not saying these people don't think or worry - it's that their worries and thoughts are more pragmatic usually. The things they think about are more immediate concerns or possibly future concerns, but still pragmatic concerns. For example they worry about bills and finances and the kid's homework and paying for college and if the storm windows are going to last another season and is it time to get oil changed on the car and really should have those back tires checked out... Things that are real and tangible.

Me? I think about things like why I am alone? Or how X2 and I were perfect for each other while being the most destructive thing to each other. Or about the fact that I am once again over analyzing the past and if that makes me sane or if I am slowly starting some descent into madness. Which leads to but what is madness? Is it a state of being or a physical manifestation? What is sanity? What is reality? Is any of this 'real' in the sense that has some meaning? See? Questions of sanity, over analysis of the past and prior actions, meaning of life. These are not the thoughts of normal people. Of that I am envious. Ignorance truly would be bliss at times.

So I spent an hour thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking.... 

Y2 D137

Had a bad night last night. Went to bed at around 11, woke straight up at 1 with my heart racing. I don't know why either. I remember the dream I was having - I was riding a horse up a stairwell of a parking garage trying to get to the third floor. That's it. Nothing scary or freaky. I mean sure it was weird, but it wasn't anything that should have caused me to bolt upright like I did. I managed to fall back asleep but woke up no more than an hour later in sheer pain. My right shoulder was on fire. I guess I laid on it wrong or something but damn it hurt. The other day one of the comics I read had a similar theme. It was about how even though we sleep every night of our life, every now and then we have these freak out moments -- "Where do these arms go?!?!". It was one of those weird moments. Got my shoulder to stop hurting and fell back to sleep again. I woke up one more time a few hours later freaking out about what day it was. One of those "It's Sunday right??" moments. Ugh. Very tired this morning. Feel like I did a marathon between 11 and now.

Yesterday itself was uneventful. I obsessively cleaned like I planned. By that I mean I not only did a normal cleaning, but all those things you say you're going to clean if you can just find the time: baseboards, carpet runners, picture frames, etc. Took me 5 hours to do everything including hand washing dish towels, a couple of shirts, and the carpet runners. But damn if it wasn't worth it. I look around right now and everything just *feels* clean. I like that.

After that I went to the store, got some Rockstar, paper towels, and cat food. Whoo hoo. Came home, played video games, worked on a puzzle, had the leftover weird rice veggie burger thing I made Friday night, went to bed. Nice and boring. I did have one odd thoughts while I was cleaning. I need to tell X2's brother and sister to tell their parents not to send me a Christmas card this year. They sent me one last year and it had a newsletter in it. I don't want to see that this Christmas. I don't need to know what X2 has been up to this year. Can you believe I am thinking about Christmas already? It's not that far off. This year is almost over. So far I have survived. We are close to the 18 month mark in my writing/life since the event. Amazing.

Y2 D136

Yesterday went so so. Not mentally or emotionally a problem, just didn't get the results I was hoping for which kind of bummed me out. But not in a bad way. More in a normal person kind of way. No major mood swings going on which is a positive. I just didn't get some information that I was hoping for regarding the timeshare. Turns out that Starwood won't 'buy' it back. They will allow me to turn it over to them, but I lose everything. I instead have just under three months to either sell it or rent it to pay them $2800 or I lose it. But instead of getting pissed or depressed, I decided to be pro-active. I sent out emails and phone calls to a bunch of places that sell timeshares. Some good news came of that. I found out that my place is worth exactly what I paid for it 4 years ago which is great. If I can sell in time then I will not lose anything and have had the luxury of taking vacations in Hawaii, the Bahamas, and Europe. $10,000 worth of hotel charges plus not losing my money. Cool. The other thing I learned is that my place at this time of year rents for $2500-$3500 a week. Ok, there's another option. If I can slam a rental in there I can pay what I owe them, and still have my place. If I can pull that off, then I can do that a couple of more times and still keep the place until I can get back on track. See? Not stressing or freaking out, making a plan, seeing what I can do, and moving forward. Being smart. :) Going to send a few emails this weekend to some folks to see if I can rent it out. That will be the easiest thing to do. I will ask $2800 exactly what I owe. Not being greedy.

In other news, I worked yesterday thank goodness. Two different clients. Plus my bosses have me going to a training class next week. I am looking forward to that. I am going to take the train every day which will actually be fun. Get to feel 'urban' as it's in the city. I am looking forward to that and to learning something new. Kind of excited. That will be w-f. Just need to handle mon and tues.

Watched a couple of movies last night - Eraserhead and Altered States. Yeah, I know. My brain hurt afterwards. Let's see, what else...

Oh, I made room for the fridge. I just need to get the damn thing in here. Still struggling with that.

Ok time to go clean my house obsessively from top to bottom. All day project to keep me out of trouble and make me too tired to do anything else tonight. And for the record? Three weeks no booze as of today.

Y2 D135

I made some good decisions yesterday. Almost three weeks with no booze has really cleared my head I guess. Allowing me to see things and think things through better. Amazing at how clear life becomes when you aren't constantly in a haze. Anyway...

First I went to the what I used to call 'the poor people' grocery store. Guess what? I am one of the poor people now and there's no shame in admitting it. I decided I wanted some bread and cheese dammit and I ventured forth. Now, the reason it's the poor people store is they sell things that are slightly dented, overstocked, or near expiration. I am ok with that. I picked up a loaf of braid for half of what I pay normally and 4 times the amount of cheese I would regularly get. I saved roughly $5 on two items over the normal grocery store. The cheese is good for a while, but the bread I have to eat in a week. Not a problem. PB&J sandwiches will do me just fine for the next week thank you very much.

Smart move two will save me $80 a month. BUT this one is tricky. I realized yesterday that I have a storage unit I pay for every month. This is the bill I had to pay by Saturday. In said storage unit is ONE thing. A fridge. It doesn't fit in my apartment and I refuse to sell it. Why? Because this isn't your run of the mill fridge. This is a $5000 custom fridge. It is designed as an old 1950's icebox with bottom freezer and more chrome than a 57 Chevy. It's even in 57 Chevy red. It's my fridge. I made a big deal to X2 that it was my fridge and she wasn't getting her damn hands on it. I also looked it up and even though mine is two years old, it still sells for between 4800 - 6500 with shipping and tax. It is a serious fridge. I want to hold on to some part of my life and that fridge is part of that. Some day I will have a home again where I will be able to use that fridge. BUT I don't need to spend $80 a month storing it. I am working on getting it moved into my place. I don't know where the hell I am going to put it, but I will figure that out. I did some measuring last night and I think I have a spot. I need to move some stuff around this weekend and see if I can make room. It will make one hell of a conversation piece. I went and talked to the people at the storage unit to let them know I was planning on getting the item out and closing the account and they told me I have until the 19th before I get hit with late fees. Perfect. I just need to find someone to help me move it. If no one steps up before Saturday, I am going to hire pros. I started getting some quotes and it looks like it will be bout $150. This pays for itself in two months of not paying storage. Works for me.

The last smart thing I am about to do when I am done typing this. I own a timeshare with one of the major hotels. I have been holding on to it because I don't know how much it is worth or if I can even sell it in today's market. I am about to call them and find out the answers to those questions. If it is worth it, I will sell and pay off at least three of my debts. That will allow me to have around $700 more a month net that isn't going out in bills. This could be huge. I am a little nervous and disappointed, but if it solves the problem... More on the results of this tomorrow.

Ironically, all of this is what X2 wanted from me the whole time we were together. She wanted me to be realistic about my finances and our situation. It took hitting a really low point for reality to kick in and slap me in the face.

On a positive note, if this sale goes well, and I can make it through the end of the year, I think I am going to be alright in the end. I said something to a friend recently off the cuff, but the more I think about it, the truer it becomes. I said to him 'last year was about me getting straight with being divorced, this year is about getting straight with finances. Which means next year should be one of the best ever'. The longer I ponder that, the more it rings true for me.

I did work yesterday and I have more work today too which is good. Off to make phone calls...

Y2 D134

Wow what a day yesterday! It was so wild and incredible you're not going to believe it. Ready for this??

First thing I did was check my bank balance. My two big first of the month bills went out and I have $162 to last me until the 15th. Hey, it's better than zero. I have one more bill to pay on the 8th for $80 and then I am clean until the 15th. I will be late on two bills but so what. The one on the 8th I have to pay. So I will have roughly $80 to last me a week. If I am good, I can do it. I have enough gas to last me, and as of right now enough food. I decided yesterday that I will eat EVERYTHING in my house before I buy more groceries. It doesn't matter how weird the dinners end up being, I will eat what's here. Last night I had a salad. Tonight, rice and the last remaining garden burger. From there it's going to get strange. Beets and creamed corn anyone?

Once my heart rate came down from that stress I did some more work on learning new technology. Then, I assisted my boss on a client. From there it gets insane. First? I went to the store and got cigarettes. Then I did LAUNDRY! That's right baby, laundry. While laundry was going I then went ahead and cleaned my bathroom. Whoo, does the excitement end? Hell no! After the bathroom, I swept the patio!

I did spend about 3 hours getting ready for a training class Friday morning. I had to configure my machine to support the files. That was a challenge as it's a windows based set of files yet I made it work on a mac. Damn I'm good.

Following all that rush, I did dishes. Man oh man the fun never stops! To slow down a little, I started a new jigsaw puzzle. Oh yeah, wild shit baby! I finished the night off with some video gaming and then bed.

Today I have to be at a client to help out with something. I don't know if it will be more than a day, but at least it's a day of billable hours.

I did do something nice yesterday. It was X1's birthday and yeah, I sent her a text. Why not. It didn't kill me. I also heard from my sister. She was off to the doctor. Haven't heard back yet though. Still worried about her. My brother's wife is back in town and until she leaves I won't have any contact with him I figure. He is scheduled to have his case presented to the transplant committee tomorrow. We shall see what happens.

Off to the client...

Y2 D133

Started thinking about something scary yesterday. How long would it take before anyone noticed if I were dead? I mean seriously. I live alone.  I have no girlfriend. Think about it. A week like this where I am not assigned on any projects, or on a weekend, who would check? If I died today, Wednesday, how long before someone decided to check on me? Sure the first couple of days there would be emails and phone calls, but then what? Let's day I died on a Friday afternoon. Work would be done for the week so I could get away without answering any emails until Monday which means no one from work would think about it. If I didn't have a show then no one from cast would think twice. So realistically, if I died on a Friday afternoon, no one would even think to start looking for a body until Monday. That means they probably wouldn't find me until Tuesday or Wednesday. Five days I would be dead before anyone would check. Pretty scary, huh? You think the cat would start eating me by then? The bunnies would probably be going insane from no food, but since they can't get out, they wouldn't be able to eat my body. The cat on the other hand would be going nuts. Although she always has dry food. I might be okay for five days before she started nibbling on me...

Sat at home AGAIN yesterday. I realized I haven't left the house except a couple of times in almost two weeks. Good? Bad? Not sure. Lonely, that's for sure. 

Talked to my boss yesterday. He started going on about how I make more than 70% of the country blah blah blah. And I told him that it doesn't matter if I don't have enough to pay my bills, now does it? He also said that he would be glad to give me more hours if I am willing to work at some menial labor job. I said, fine, prove it. You have said that before, but it hasn't happened. This is why I am looking at these options. Plus I still don't have enough to survive MONTHLY. The quarterly bonuses don't help me if I can't make it monthly. I don't know how many different ways I can say that to him. I did warn him that if my check on the 15th is insufficient that I will be asking for a cash advance to pay my car registration as without that, I am useless to the company. He said he understood. Let's see what happens on the 15th. As of right now, I am sitting right on the cusp of being overdrawn. If I am *VERY* good for the next 10 days, I might make it. Of course this means I won't be leaving the house again.

I am supposed to have some hours tomorrow. Let's see if that happens. So far this quarter is not starting out well for me.

Y2 D132

I used to be so big and strong I used to know my right from wrong I used to never be afraid I used to be somebody I used to have something inside now just this hole that's open wide I used to want it all... I USED TO BE SOMEBODY....


I didn't even leave the house yesterday. Still sitting. Still waiting. I finally sent my bosses off the message that I am looking for second job. One of them had the nerve to reply with "there's no need to panic, we are working on getting you more hours and one of the reasons your package is so high is because of the travel". Fuck you. My 'package' isn't cutting it. I don't know how many times I have to say that to them. The quarterly bonuses don't mean shit if I can't survive monthly. That's just not sinking in their heads. I can't MAKE it to the quarter bonus which isn't that much anyway. Fucking dense.

I did spend the day learning some new technology though. Why? Because in part it makes me more valuable to the company and will allow me to be put on more projects, but also because it's a challenge. I want to challenge myself to learn this particular product. I spent about 6 hours working on the core piece of the functions yesterday. I should be ready today to move to the second part of the process. Kind of fun. I do like learning new stuff. Now if I only get the chance to apply it somewhere, that would be nice.

Y2 D131

Heard from my sister yesterday. She is not doing well. She had a bad episode which is making it hard for her to speak or move. Poor kid, I feel for her. I wish there was something I could do, but unfortunately this is out of my hands.

Spent the day pretty much in the house. Went to Target at one point with the intention of buying some razors and shaving cream. But when I got there and started walking around I realized that I didn't really need them. I have soap and so what if the razor is a little dull. A couple of scratches on my face won't kill me.

How sad is that? I am so screwed right now that I have to actually debate buying razors and shaving cream. Something that I would have NEVER thought twice about. Geez that's messed up. I just put my little basket down and walked out of the store. Was disgusted that I had to have a moment like that.

Came back home and played Dragon Age for 4 hours. Yep. That was it. Then I watched stupid animated shows and went to bed.

Laid there for a couple of hours stressing out before finally just passing out. I guess my brain just had enough?

Couple of side notes -- Today is October 4th. So far this month I have stayed to a couple of goals I have for October. No booze, no meat, reduced smoke intake, and some other little things I want to accomplish. So far so good. I actually haven't had a drink in over two weeks. I have been a pure vegetarian for three days now. I reduced my cigarette intake by 15% yesterday and I stuck to my other goals (they're dumb little things like make sure I put on a moisturizer twice a day). I would like to see if I can make it to the end of the month and hit all my goals.

One of my friends asked me why I am doing these things. Honestly? Because I need to feel in control of SOMETHING right now. At the very least it gives me something to focus on and feel like I succeeded at something this month. This year. This life...

I also am trying to lose 11 pounds total this month. Why 11? And I know some of you will think I am insane trying to lose ANY weight but I have never been (at least not in the last 20 years) below 150. As of the 1st I was at 160. I want to see as a challenge if I can hit 149. Just because.

Y2 D130

Just got home. What is it, 4 something... Long day/night/day. Did a show. It's nice doing the show sober. I actually remember it. I was on top of things, my director gave me a compliment, it was all in all a good time. I think I am going to lay down for a few hours though. I am pretty tired.

I am still stressed out. Friday was rough. I got some bad news from my brother. They aren't presenting him to the transplant committee until the 8th because when he went in for his tests the other day, he had put weight back on from when they checked him out of the hospital. Big no-no. He is back up to 293 which is really bad. They need him to be at LEAST what he was when he checked out if not less. So now he has to sit and wait.

I haven't heard from my sister so I don't know how she is doing. I will call her later today to see how things are faring for her.

Then to add more stress, I got paid Friday and it's already all gone. Seriously. Gone. Rent and four bills. Poof. My car registration is due in a couple of weeks and I have no idea how I am going to pay it. Plus my insurance expired a month ago which means they won't let me register my car unless I can show proof. So now I have to figure out how to come up with money for registration, new insurance, and all my other bills without going overdrawn before the 15th. Once again, I am fucked.

Tired now. Too much thinking. Easier to just close my eyes...

Y2 D129

What happened to us man? What happened to the ideals of changing the world? What happened to the poets, the lovers, those who were going to change the world? When did we turn into slaves? I can't do drugs in my own home but it's ok for the pharmaceutical companies to shove pills down my throat for every little cough or hiccup? For anything doesn't conform to the standards there's a pill. Don't have any kind of individual thought that would be wrong. Here have a pill to flat line you. Be one of us. Be one of the beautiful people. Fuck that. I still want to change the world. I just don't know how any more. My doctor thinks there is something wrong with me mentally. Well no shit Sherlock - we are the first generation who was the by-product of drugs, revolution, television, and capitalism all rolled into one. No wonder we are fucked up. We don't know what's going on in our heads. Our parents are rejects who feel it's ok to have their identities taken from them and put in car commercials and pills for hard-ons. Everyone is a goddamn sell out.

Not me baby.

Yeah right. I wish.

I am just as bad. Look in my closet. Look around me. I struggle with the desire to have, the desire to not want, the desire to expand my mind, the desire to fit in. We are one fucked up generation. We don't know what we want.

I try though. I won't take the pill. You can't change my brain. This is the brain I was born with and the one which with I will die. It's mine. I won't let you fuck up the chemical process. I can do that all on my own thank you very much.  

Y2 D128

Had a complete and utter breakdown yesterday. Found myself crying for no real reason. People don't understand. They think I am exaggerating how bad it is inside my head. I don't need drugs, I don't need God, I need help. I am in a hole so deep all I see is blackness. I see no escape. I see no light at the end of the tunnel, not even a train.

And don't tell me things happen for a reason. Don't tell me it's all part of God's plan. I have had it with your god that doesn't exist. I get no comfort from your placations and your empty promises of a better tomorrow. I am in today. Today is all that matter and today is fucked.

How? How did I get like this? I wasn't like this two years ago. I wasn't like this five years ago. Or maybe I was but there were enough layers of insulation around everything that I could maintain a mask of sanity. Now, that is gone. It is slipping and slipping fast. I hurt. I hurt inside more than people can imagine. More than they can comprehend. I need to find solace somewhere. 

I feel so overwhelmed. I can't function like a normal human being anymore. I try. I put myself through the paces, but it doesn't help. It just hurts more. I feel so useless. I feel like I can't do a goddamn thing right.

I am supposed to go to a birthday party tonight, but I probably won't go because that would mean spending money on a present and putting gas in the car. Neither of which I can do. I will send out an apology email saying I am stuck at work to avoid going. It will be better that way. Plus this way I won't be around booze or anything where I might be tempted to make a bad decision. 

No, I will just hide in the house yet again. Smarter that way. Safer that way.

Even the kid is worried about me. She texted me this morning asking how I was doing. I told her I was fine. She never needs to know how bad I am doing. I don't ever want her worrying about me. She has enough on her plate to deal with that she doesn't need to worry about her old man too.

Today is the 1st. Have to figure out how I am going to pay rent and everything else that is due without ending up at zero. I don't think it will be possible. I am going to be overdrawn again in about a week once all the bills go out. Nothing I can do about it.