Y3 D149

I don't think anyone really understands just how far down the rabbit hole I am. How far gone. How many regrets and mistakes I hold in my heart and in my head. The lives I have ruined. The pain I have inflicted. The guilt with which I live every day. The overwhelming desire to eliminate and eradicate myself from this planet. To cleanse you all from having to deal with me. I live in a constant state of pain. I numb myself to survive and it isn't working. I get moments of happiness -- Disneyland, TGF, etc - but it's all on the surface. The underlying demons never stop. They never die. They just wait until there is a crack in the armor and swoop in. They come and stab at my brain and my heart making me worthless to all around me. 

turn around, walk away before you confuse the way we abuse each other. if you're not afraid of getting hurt, then i'm not afraid to hurt you...

There truly is a crack in my soul. But it's not a smile. It's a sneer. A frown. An anguished look of desperation. What mistakes have I made that have led me down this path? How do I go about making amends to the dead? I can't. 

I want to move forward and every time I try the universe slams me down. I want happiness. I desire companionship. I seek friendship. But in the end everyone goes away and I am left with the pieces of my mind in shatters. Or were they in shatters already which is why everyone goes away. Catch-22. Soylent green is people.

It would be interesting to see a map of my brain. How fucked up and distorted the thought process possibly is.

Oh you care about what happened yesterday? You are here for that, not to read another descension into madness and darkness? Well too fucking bad. 

Fine. I will accomodate. It's what I do apparently. All shall be appeased but me... Sacrifices at the altar of pain. Skin for skin. Blood is all you want, right? There is no catharsis; there is no exit...

Went to work. There? Happy? Work sucked as work is supposed to do. I look out the window of my office and see these morons playing volleyball and acting like they are at summer camp. You're at fucking work you idiots. Go back to your desks and your papers and all the other shit you think is important. A 1/2 hour volleyball game isn't going to change anything. Just like the fucking occupy idiots aren't going to have a damn bit of impact. You want change? Kill something. Blow something up. Standing outside chanting DOES NOTHING BUT FUCK UP THE VERY PEOPLE YOU CLAIM TO REPRESENT. Morons. Idiots. Aka, the world at large. If you're reading this, then odds are you are one of the few I can fucking tolerate. One of the few who doesn't have their head up their ass. Congratulations. I will spare you when I start shooting.