Slept like shit last night. Woke up in a silent scream at 1am from a bad nightmare. Some type of demon was chasing me and not letting me go from the house I was in. It was trying to kill me but I couldn't see it. In my dream I was freaking out and I slammed awake in an upright position with a scream on my lips. This was followed by waking up again at 3 from a second nightmare and then again at 5. I don't remember the other two but I know I couldn't escape from things in both of those either. What the fuck.
Spent the day in the house working. TGF was here but left around 1 to go home and spend time with her mother and for dance. The kid went to work around 5 and came home around 10. For the most part of yesterday I was alone even when there were people in the house.
Today is our six month anniversary. Where did the last six months go? Where did the last 30 years go? How is it I don't feel anything right now but fear and loathing? We are supposed to go to dinner tonight for our anniversary at my friend's house. I need to put on the smile and make sure everyone thinks I am fine. But something is going on in my head again.
It's not something I can point to either. I wish my depression was something tangible and simple to repair like a broken bone. It's so much easier when you can say oh my leg is broken, when it is healed I will feel better. Not how it works. It lingers. It goes away from brief moments only to come back when you don't expect it to. It hovers underneath everything waiting to strike. Waiting to drag you back down and make you forget all the good. Just focus on the bad. The little demon that won't let you escape. That makes you its bitch and keeps you fucked up and never quite in touch with other people. All people hurt you it says so why get close. Come on, let's fuck this one up too. It's what we do. You're not worthy of human contact. You are supposed to be alone with me in here with all the doubts and worry and fear. Come on in the water is fine...
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