I was starting to shake my fucked up mood and then life intervened again. Normal people don't understand depression. They don't understand the fine balance between everything being okay and then feeling nothing but despair. And you have to understand, it's not sadness. It's not oh darn, the rats ate my Tigger hoodie because I left it too close to their cage (which they did which I am sad about because I have no idea how to replace it). No it's fuck this life I hate everything I am useless I will never be worthy why do I even exist despair.
Yesterday was a wash. I spent most of the day depressed and working. The kid went with her grandmother birthday shopping and was gone most of the day. TGF came over around 2 and did homework while I worked. Then we hung out until it was time to go to the dinner party my friend was having last night. It was another secret cafe dinner. The kid came with us as did one of our friends who drove which allowed me to drink. I did drink but not to excess. I was happy drunk and was glad someone else drove that's for sure. I was in no condition to navigate the distance home.
Dinner was good. We had five incredible courses of food with wine pairings. There's nowhere else I can go and get food like that for the price he charges me. I did have to write him a bad check which I told him if he tries to cash it before Friday it will bounce. I felt like a fucking idiot having to do that. I am 43 years old and should be able to write a $150 check without worrying that it is going to bounce. Fuck this.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. See. Everything just starts mashing up in my head and makes no sense. It all hurts everywhere. It hurts to be alive and try to function and put together thoughts. I just want to crawl into a hole and go away. Thank god I don't have to leave the house today. But I will also be alone all day. That is not good either. Done. I am done.
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