Y4 D90

Yesterday was a fiasco from a training perspective. Not that I did anything wrong or that any of the servers went boom - no, it was all on the client's side. All nine of the students were supposed to be there yesterday. How many did I have? 2. Yep, 2. And this isn't the kind of material where you can do one day and miss the other. It all builds on each other. I just feel dumb having come all the way to fucking Texas for 2 people. And to spend my whole day in a windowless building teaching material to two people. Frankly I get paid regardless so that's not the part that's tripping me, it's just I feel bad for them for some reason. On top of having only two people they kept getting pulled out for 'emergencies'. First one, then the other. It's ridiculous. When you bring someone in to train you, don't you kind of dedicate the time so your people can go to the training? Just saying. The students were trying to be nice and polite too - oh just keep going without me - no, that's not how HANDS ON DEMO BASED training works. You miss a part then you are not in synch with the rest of the group and the stuff doesn't work. You need to be all doing the demos together. Again, it's not like I could have done anything different, it's just fucking annoying.

Had different BBQ yesterday. The one everyone recommends. Now I see why. Shit was damn good. Well priced, good food, not overly sized portions, and a friendly atmosphere. Had that, got back to the hotel around 7, bored completely out of mind, and the depression kicked back in. No texts from anyone, no emails, no nothing. Just silence.

Which led to me thinking about this...

What most people don't realize or think about is there is a big difference between wanting to be dead and knowing you SHOULD be dead. Statistically speaking there is no reason I should be alive. I drink more than others, smoke more than others, have had more unprotected sex, fly more, drive on average more miles, eat red meat, have done more drugs, and the list goes on. And let's not forget the people in my family who have died from a genetic heart condition. From a pure statistics stand point I should have been dead a decade ago. That's a harsh realization to have to try and live up to every day. "Each day is a gift" is a cliche bunch of crap. Each day is a fucking nightmare is more accurate. Each day is a pain. Each day is another headache. That has to be why I do some of the things I do. To tempt fate, to push karma to her limits. If you're going to keep me alive, I am going to do everything in my power to challenge that. I finally have all seven ingredients for the feel good hit of the summer - nicotine, valium, vicodin, marijuana, ecstasy, alcohol, and cocaine. All seven. In my house right now. All waiting for me to get home and say hello. If I can do all of them in a 24 hour period and live...

Does it make me a god or an idiot?