Y4 D91

Anybody there? Hey, Old Man. You home tonight? Can You spare a minute. It's about time we had a little talk. I know I'm a pretty evil fellow. I know I got no call to ask for much... but even so, You've got to admit You ain't dealt me no cards in a long time. It's beginning to look like You got things fixed so I can't never win out. Inside, outside, all of them... rules and regulations and bosses. You made me like I am. Now just where am I supposed to fit in? Old Man, I gotta tell You. I started out pretty strong and fast. But it's beginning to get to me. When does it end? What do You got in mind for me? What do I do now? Right. All right. On my knees, asking. Yeah, that's what I thought. I guess I'm pretty tough to deal with, huh? A hard case. Yeah. I guess I gotta find my own way. 

This is the first morning this week I have woken up not feeling like utter horse shit. I still don't feel great, but I am not completely fucked this morning. Yesterday's highlights? I found a crack in the windshield of the rental car which I am hoping they miss this morning when I drop it off. Probably came from the DOG I ran over on the freeway. This was all after having to start an hour late because my coworker didn't start the servers up in time and I was left with egg on my face at 8:30 in the morning. What a wonderful day.

Add to that I have a friend who completely misunderstood something I sent and thinks the completely wrong thing right now and I can't reach her which has me worried as shit.

I love my sister to death. She is trying so hard to understand what is wrong with her fucked up brother. I tried this analogy:

Imagine you're tied to a chair in a room and its constantly raining on you. There's a window in front of you and through that window its sunny and all your friends are there and they can talk to you and you can talk back but you can't leave the rain room ever. And no one on the other side sees the rain or that you're tied down. All they see is the sun and you standing off by yourself. That's how it is in my head.

It was the best I could do. Hopefully that makes sense to someone who doesn't suffer from depression. It's kind of like chronic pain - if other people don't see you bleeding buckets of blood they think you are exaggerating or being a drama queen. It's not like that, trust me. It's more a constant feeling of hopelessness, uselessness, and despair that tomorrow isn't going to be any better than today.

I have to go to the airport now.