Y4 D80

I am in a lousy ass mood this morning. Remnants from last night. I am in a place where I just want to shut down and block out the world. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to see anyone, I just want to hide. Yesterday started off pretty good too ironically.

I was up around 8 even though I was in bed at 2:30 from the show the night before. I guess that's enough sleep for one such as me.

I did some stuff around the house and then about 10:30 I headed out to pick up my friend for a picnic. We went to a lake near her house and had a nice time talking and eating. We watched some kids boating on the lake, other people fishing, etc. It was a typical time at the lake having a picnic. Except it was 50 degrees and we were both freezing our asses off. There wasn't anything bad about it though. We had fun together. I dropped her off around 1 and headed home. The kid took the car to work around 3 and I didn't see her again until 8. During that time is when I started to tailspin.

Being in the house alone does it to me because I have too much time to stare at the screen and delve into the recesses of my brain. In this case, one of my other friends just got back from Disneyland and I was chatting with her about her trip. That led to us talking about tumblr and she started following me. This caused me to spend the next hour going through all 110 pages of my main tumblr. Mis-fucking-stake. I watched the destruction of my relationship with XTGF. I started that tumblr on our first trip to Disneyland in October of last year. I saw how happy I was. I saw how happy WE were. Then the posts continued - happy posts. But at the same time I could see my self doubt, my conflicting emotions, my issues with other people. It was all there in front of me. I watched it. I watched it turn into March where we broke up. I saw myself falling apart on the screen. Then the last five months since she has been gone. Just a spiral. She made me happy. I don't care what any of you say. She made me feel good about myself more than not. She did the things I wanted someone to do. I fucking miss her. I miss being in a relationship. I miss having someone give a fuck about me. For real.

I tried to distract myself after that debacle with video games. If the fucking internet would have behaved I might have been able to succeed. But no. It wanted to be a bitch and drop which causes Diablo to drop. Fuck you Blizzard. I shouldn't need a fucking internet connection for a single player game. FUCK YOU.

When the kid got home she needed the computer to print out school stuff. She starts on Wednesday. I just said fuck it and went to bed where I laid there for two hours staring into the dark. Sadly, I had a vision of how easy it would be to hang myself off the balcony. Actually the sad part is it wouldn't be easy. And that's what I sat there figuring out. See if I make a rope long enough that I can stand on the edge of the balcony and jump, then the rope would be too long and odds are I would hit the ground below instead of dangling. So I would either need to sit on the edge of the balcony and then jump off or be pushed off. Now that just gets tricky. THIS is what I fell asleep thinking about last night.

No wonder I am in a shit mood. Add to that the fucking emails I woke up to this morning. Fucking people sending emails at 1 and 2 in the morning on a Sunday. Fuck off.