New Years Eve 2012. Last day of the year. Don't worry - I won't be doing some sappy end of year review bullshit. There's plenty of other sites out there happy to accomodate that for you. No, it's just another Monday in this house. Why? Because do we really think next year is going to be any different? Will any amount of rumination on the last year be of any benefit? Same shit, different year.
The kid felt better yesterday and I made her get up and start in on her room. I did let the kid relax and watch two more movies yesterday. She watched one in the morning and one at night. She didn't have the same amount of junk I did, but she still managed to have an entire garbage bag of stuff herself to be thrown away. I finally finished the last part of my cleaning - the final coat closet. I do feel I am going into the new year with a little less baggage which helps. I started the new puzzle I got for Christmas yesterday. I really do enjoy puzzles. Stupid, I know, but they help zen me out. I can focus and ignore everything else. Other than doing the puzzle, I really didn't do a whole lot yesterday. I am trying to think about what I did and it's pretty blank. I played Diablo. I did my puzzle. I went to the grocery store for some stuff for dinner. That's about it I guess. See? 2012 was boring as shit, 2013 is going to be boring as shit.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Y4 D220
Yesterday for me was an extremely productive day. For the kid, not so much. She didn't move off the couch except to puke and poop. And she did a lot of both. She called in sick to work too which is the first time she has eve done that. I kept her loaded up with Disney movies, lemon chicken soup, dayquil, ginger ale, and theraflu. She feels better this morning.
While she was being a sicky head, I hung shelves, cleaned house, and then did the big one - my room. I tore up my closet, rearranged furniture, got rid of that giant steamer trunk, and put a small table in there so now I can use my laptop in my room. One more step at separating work life from private life. Plus my room looks much less crowded now. I also went through stuff in my nightstand and filled yet another garbage bag. All in all, in the last week I have thrown out now 8 garbage bags of stuff from this house.
The past shall not own me. Clean and clear for 2013. This is the last Sunday of 2012. Amazing I made it through. Not everyone I know did though. I found out yesterday someone I know on tumblr killed themselves on 12/24. On the surface she seemed like another one of those drama queens saying how much they want to die but you could tell that below the surface it was real. She ended her life with a bottle of pills while all alone. Her family found her late Christmas Eve. That is such a shame. She was very young and truly did have her whole life in front of her. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have an outlet. If I were her parents right now I would be wondering everything I had done wrong. Because someone her age doesn't kill themselves when they have people who listen. She had no one to listen. No one of authority. Sometimes people need that. Especially young people. They need to be told what to do. This poor girl made some bad choices and no one stopped her. It's a shame.
And yet I live on. Am I stronger? Smarter? Who knows. But that's also why I didn't mind spending the day taking care of my kid. Mine is still here and I treasure that.
While she was being a sicky head, I hung shelves, cleaned house, and then did the big one - my room. I tore up my closet, rearranged furniture, got rid of that giant steamer trunk, and put a small table in there so now I can use my laptop in my room. One more step at separating work life from private life. Plus my room looks much less crowded now. I also went through stuff in my nightstand and filled yet another garbage bag. All in all, in the last week I have thrown out now 8 garbage bags of stuff from this house.
The past shall not own me. Clean and clear for 2013. This is the last Sunday of 2012. Amazing I made it through. Not everyone I know did though. I found out yesterday someone I know on tumblr killed themselves on 12/24. On the surface she seemed like another one of those drama queens saying how much they want to die but you could tell that below the surface it was real. She ended her life with a bottle of pills while all alone. Her family found her late Christmas Eve. That is such a shame. She was very young and truly did have her whole life in front of her. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have an outlet. If I were her parents right now I would be wondering everything I had done wrong. Because someone her age doesn't kill themselves when they have people who listen. She had no one to listen. No one of authority. Sometimes people need that. Especially young people. They need to be told what to do. This poor girl made some bad choices and no one stopped her. It's a shame.
And yet I live on. Am I stronger? Smarter? Who knows. But that's also why I didn't mind spending the day taking care of my kid. Mine is still here and I treasure that.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Y4 D219
People often wonder what it means to be an adult and what it means to be a parent. Let me tell you - it means when you wake up hung over and feel like shit, if your kid is having an issue you push it back and you deal. That would be me this morning. I woke up at 8:30 to find the kid on the couch with a fever of 100 and puke covered blankets and towels in the bathroom. Okay, time to take care of things. Be the adult. Get her situated. That's what I just finished doing.
Yesterday was a LONG busy day. I took the kid to work at nine then went to Ikea. I bought new shelves for Disney stuff. That was followed by Home Depot for show stuff. Then I headed down to my friend's place. We went to a local store that was having a sale on some stuff we both were looking at. Went back to their house and made sangria for a party later that night. Came home and started doing stuff around the house. Started to run a network cable into the kid's room. Realized I was out of little clips things to keep it mounted against the wall. Back to home depot. Oh and look, I am out of toilet paper. Sigh. Target and Home Depot. Picked the kid up at work and then came home to do more stuff. Ran her cable, made little pies, and got ready to go a party.
Got to the party at about 7:15 and left at 1:30. Had a good time. Got a little drunk but still made it home. I let my mouth run a little too much, but it was needed. I needed to let it out a bit. I didn't do anything too bad so I am okay with everything. Plus it was a small group of people which made it easier for me. I knew that I couldn't get into too much trouble given the size.
Now today is house cleaning day. I have the kid situated on the couch with a movie, toast, and tea. She is good to go.
Yesterday was a LONG busy day. I took the kid to work at nine then went to Ikea. I bought new shelves for Disney stuff. That was followed by Home Depot for show stuff. Then I headed down to my friend's place. We went to a local store that was having a sale on some stuff we both were looking at. Went back to their house and made sangria for a party later that night. Came home and started doing stuff around the house. Started to run a network cable into the kid's room. Realized I was out of little clips things to keep it mounted against the wall. Back to home depot. Oh and look, I am out of toilet paper. Sigh. Target and Home Depot. Picked the kid up at work and then came home to do more stuff. Ran her cable, made little pies, and got ready to go a party.
Got to the party at about 7:15 and left at 1:30. Had a good time. Got a little drunk but still made it home. I let my mouth run a little too much, but it was needed. I needed to let it out a bit. I didn't do anything too bad so I am okay with everything. Plus it was a small group of people which made it easier for me. I knew that I couldn't get into too much trouble given the size.
Now today is house cleaning day. I have the kid situated on the couch with a movie, toast, and tea. She is good to go.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Y4 D218
Kind of broke down when I went to bed last night. I think it was just the day catching up to me. A flood of emotions came over me when I finally got into bed around 12:30. Very sad all of a sudden and found myself crying for a few minutes. I do think it was just a wave of emotion coupled with exhaustion.
Allow me to elaborate. I slept in yesterday until about 7:30. That in of itself felt good. Let me say, I had a good day yesterday, just a bit overwhelming. Anyway, I started in on my cleaning project. Some people like to do spring cleaning, I wanted to do an end of year cleaning. Also for at least two years I have been putting off going through both of my hall closets because I knew it would be a major task. It was. I started in by emptying them out and organizing books, DVDs, music, and games. The easy stuff. At that point I drove the kid to the train station as she was spending the day with NBF. I got back about 12:30 and kept on going. Around 2 a friend came over to pick up the white leather couch I had. I have been wanting to get rid of it, but didn't want to charge someone for it, nor did I want it going in the trash. My friends just moved into a new apartment and this was the perfect transition for the couch. It is going to good people and I was able to give them a gift. Everyone wins. That helped me because now I can move forward with my plan of rearranging my room. I was able to get a chair in my room out and now have room for a small desk or table in my room. Back to the closets. The hardest part and the part I had been avoiding was going through all the boxes of 'memories'. I finally did it. I threw out 15 year old 'Happy Wedding Day' cards, old pictures, old greeting cards, old memories. Flush the past right away finally. Learn to swim. I didn't have any real emotion while I was doing it either. It just didn't do anything to me to see all these pics of X2 and her family or the souvenirs from past place. That was then, time to move forward. But it was a long process. I then started in on boxes that were in the kid's closet and mine. Same thing, time to through shit away. I ended up with six green bags of stuff when all was said and done. Old cables, boxes for devices I no longer have, CDs for computer programs that were 15-20 years old. Gone. I finished around 11 right about when the kid and NBF came home. I was very wound up unfortunately for them. I was hoping to be more relaxed when they got home and possibly already in bed, but I didn't even realize what time it was. Hence why I didn't get to bed until 12:30. I was just too up. I finally relaxed enough to get in bed but that's when the day hit me. It was just like woosh. All of the memories not just of X2, but my entire life and even TXGF came rushing at me and I just lost it for a few minutes. I am okay now, but it's hard to have your whole life thrust at you at once like that. Makes you think about everything.
Upside is my house is one step closer to being organized and clean. Really it's the organized part I am focused on. I want space. I want to clear out the past and the clutter. Open myself up for tomorrow and stop living in yesterday. I got one step nearer to that goal.
Now today I am taking a break from everything. I am taking the kid to work, then picking up a friend and we are going shopping. Then since they are about 20 miles away, I am going back to their house. We are having a holiday/birthday get together for a mutual friend at their place at 7, so it just makes sense to hang out with them during the day then drive back and forth. The kid is going to take the train down when she gets of work and we are going to have a fun night. I am bringing over my little chocolate fountain and pie maker. I need a break from being in the house. I am also picking up shelves for my Disney gifts and a small desk/table for my room. This way I can spend tomorrow finalizing all the cleaning.
I have to admit, overall I feel good. I feel like I lifted a burden. The more and more I move forward on these types of things, the more I let myself be free of things weighing me down to the past. I am able to love myself more and this opens me up for really having a good relationship in the future. I once wrote in here that by 2015 I should have my shit together. At the time that seemed so far. Now it's just two years. I can make it two years because I do feel still on track to that.
Allow me to elaborate. I slept in yesterday until about 7:30. That in of itself felt good. Let me say, I had a good day yesterday, just a bit overwhelming. Anyway, I started in on my cleaning project. Some people like to do spring cleaning, I wanted to do an end of year cleaning. Also for at least two years I have been putting off going through both of my hall closets because I knew it would be a major task. It was. I started in by emptying them out and organizing books, DVDs, music, and games. The easy stuff. At that point I drove the kid to the train station as she was spending the day with NBF. I got back about 12:30 and kept on going. Around 2 a friend came over to pick up the white leather couch I had. I have been wanting to get rid of it, but didn't want to charge someone for it, nor did I want it going in the trash. My friends just moved into a new apartment and this was the perfect transition for the couch. It is going to good people and I was able to give them a gift. Everyone wins. That helped me because now I can move forward with my plan of rearranging my room. I was able to get a chair in my room out and now have room for a small desk or table in my room. Back to the closets. The hardest part and the part I had been avoiding was going through all the boxes of 'memories'. I finally did it. I threw out 15 year old 'Happy Wedding Day' cards, old pictures, old greeting cards, old memories. Flush the past right away finally. Learn to swim. I didn't have any real emotion while I was doing it either. It just didn't do anything to me to see all these pics of X2 and her family or the souvenirs from past place. That was then, time to move forward. But it was a long process. I then started in on boxes that were in the kid's closet and mine. Same thing, time to through shit away. I ended up with six green bags of stuff when all was said and done. Old cables, boxes for devices I no longer have, CDs for computer programs that were 15-20 years old. Gone. I finished around 11 right about when the kid and NBF came home. I was very wound up unfortunately for them. I was hoping to be more relaxed when they got home and possibly already in bed, but I didn't even realize what time it was. Hence why I didn't get to bed until 12:30. I was just too up. I finally relaxed enough to get in bed but that's when the day hit me. It was just like woosh. All of the memories not just of X2, but my entire life and even TXGF came rushing at me and I just lost it for a few minutes. I am okay now, but it's hard to have your whole life thrust at you at once like that. Makes you think about everything.
Upside is my house is one step closer to being organized and clean. Really it's the organized part I am focused on. I want space. I want to clear out the past and the clutter. Open myself up for tomorrow and stop living in yesterday. I got one step nearer to that goal.
Now today I am taking a break from everything. I am taking the kid to work, then picking up a friend and we are going shopping. Then since they are about 20 miles away, I am going back to their house. We are having a holiday/birthday get together for a mutual friend at their place at 7, so it just makes sense to hang out with them during the day then drive back and forth. The kid is going to take the train down when she gets of work and we are going to have a fun night. I am bringing over my little chocolate fountain and pie maker. I need a break from being in the house. I am also picking up shelves for my Disney gifts and a small desk/table for my room. This way I can spend tomorrow finalizing all the cleaning.
I have to admit, overall I feel good. I feel like I lifted a burden. The more and more I move forward on these types of things, the more I let myself be free of things weighing me down to the past. I am able to love myself more and this opens me up for really having a good relationship in the future. I once wrote in here that by 2015 I should have my shit together. At the time that seemed so far. Now it's just two years. I can make it two years because I do feel still on track to that.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Y4 D217
The universe is trying to mess with me. I am like hey I am doing okay and the universe decides, heh, let's throw him a curveball. Nothing major, but enough to fuck with his mood. Okay, universe, let's do this. Let me show you what my support group looks like.
I worked all day yesterday up until about 4. I got everything done that I needed to and now am off today and tomorrow. Yay! House prepared to be cleaned!
The kid needed to go to work at 4:30 and the car wouldn't start. Dead battery. Not completely dead though. But dead enough. She ended up walking and then I spent the next 20 minutes on the phone trying to find someone with jumper cables. FML. Finally had to call my friends that I didn't want to call Not because I didn't want to see them or anything - just the opposite. I knew they would be able to help, but I felt guilty because they live 20 miles away and it was 5:00pm on a Wednesday. I felt like a heel. But they came and we got it jumped. We noticed there was some corrosion on the terminals and one was loose. We think the recent weather didn't do any favors either. I am going to go out there this morning and clean them off which should help the situation. Took care of that, then I bought them dinner for driving down. We left the car at the kid's work and I stayed up until midnight to make sure she got home okay.
It was nice seeing them and I appreciate their help. Makes me feel loved. After they left I spent the rest of the night cleaning my bathroom. That's one room down. Today is the closets. I am also getting rid of the small white leather couch today hopefully. Some friends are moving into their own place together this weekend. I am very happy for them. I have talked about them here before and they have suffered through a ton of shit, from her suicide attempts to his confused sexuality, but you know what? If they are happy then fuck it. Let them be happy and here's a couch dammit. I need to call them and see if they are coming by today.
Going to a party tomorrow night after running errands. Today the kid is spending it with NBF <- all...="all..." am="am" and="and" boyfriend="boyfriend" closets="closets" empty="empty" for="for" going="going" i="i" memories="memories" new="new" of="of" old="old" once="once" out="out" p="p" purge="purge" shit.="shit." the="the" throw="throw" time="time" to="to" yesterday="yesterday">
I worked all day yesterday up until about 4. I got everything done that I needed to and now am off today and tomorrow. Yay! House prepared to be cleaned!
The kid needed to go to work at 4:30 and the car wouldn't start. Dead battery. Not completely dead though. But dead enough. She ended up walking and then I spent the next 20 minutes on the phone trying to find someone with jumper cables. FML. Finally had to call my friends that I didn't want to call Not because I didn't want to see them or anything - just the opposite. I knew they would be able to help, but I felt guilty because they live 20 miles away and it was 5:00pm on a Wednesday. I felt like a heel. But they came and we got it jumped. We noticed there was some corrosion on the terminals and one was loose. We think the recent weather didn't do any favors either. I am going to go out there this morning and clean them off which should help the situation. Took care of that, then I bought them dinner for driving down. We left the car at the kid's work and I stayed up until midnight to make sure she got home okay.
It was nice seeing them and I appreciate their help. Makes me feel loved. After they left I spent the rest of the night cleaning my bathroom. That's one room down. Today is the closets. I am also getting rid of the small white leather couch today hopefully. Some friends are moving into their own place together this weekend. I am very happy for them. I have talked about them here before and they have suffered through a ton of shit, from her suicide attempts to his confused sexuality, but you know what? If they are happy then fuck it. Let them be happy and here's a couch dammit. I need to call them and see if they are coming by today.
Going to a party tomorrow night after running errands. Today the kid is spending it with NBF <- all...="all..." am="am" and="and" boyfriend="boyfriend" closets="closets" empty="empty" for="for" going="going" i="i" memories="memories" new="new" of="of" old="old" once="once" out="out" p="p" purge="purge" shit.="shit." the="the" throw="throw" time="time" to="to" yesterday="yesterday">
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Y4 D216
The aftermath. Breathe... Ah. Christmas over. Now to get through New Year and we will have made it. Survived another one. Apocalypse and all.
Had a really good day yesterday. Got the kid up around 8 and we made present opening last for 2 hours. We relaxed opened our gifts, had cinnamon rolls, and laughed. I wish I had someone to share it with like last year, but I still had a good time. She headed over to her grandmother's at around 1 and I took a much needed nap. When she got home we played one of our gifts - Epic Mickey 2. That was fun. Then off to the traditional Chinese food dinner. We are boring but who cares.
I would say that the only damper on yesterday was me thinking about last year and having XTGF here to share it. I miss that aspect of it. But you know it is what it is.
Ripped some of the new DVDs I got for Christmas (2 from myself and one from the kid) and cleaned the house a little. Today I am going to work until I get this stupid cube I am working on complete and then hopefully be able to take the rest of the week off. I will work as long as needed today. I would rather work 12-14 hours today and get a couple days off then stress out the rest of the week. I may not be smart enough to get it all done though. I am hitting some snags that may require additional assistance. But if that's the case, fine, I will at least have done all I can do.
Heard from a number of people yesterday wishing me a merry christmas. Probably about 15-20 total which felt really nice. Helped to keep my mood elevated. I also have a party on Friday to look forward to which is helping. Then the nice part is no show until Monday. Nothing this weekend. That will be fun. I really do want to get this house cleaned and organized this week.
We also have planned our next Disney trip - Jan 18th. I was supposed to be out of town starting on the sixth but that hasn't been confirmed yet. I am hoping I can hold off on going anywhere cold but you know how that goes.
Huh. I just realized, I am still doing okay. Nothing I have written today is really sad or depressing. Nor is it manic or stressed out. Not bad old man, not bad.
Had a really good day yesterday. Got the kid up around 8 and we made present opening last for 2 hours. We relaxed opened our gifts, had cinnamon rolls, and laughed. I wish I had someone to share it with like last year, but I still had a good time. She headed over to her grandmother's at around 1 and I took a much needed nap. When she got home we played one of our gifts - Epic Mickey 2. That was fun. Then off to the traditional Chinese food dinner. We are boring but who cares.
I would say that the only damper on yesterday was me thinking about last year and having XTGF here to share it. I miss that aspect of it. But you know it is what it is.
Ripped some of the new DVDs I got for Christmas (2 from myself and one from the kid) and cleaned the house a little. Today I am going to work until I get this stupid cube I am working on complete and then hopefully be able to take the rest of the week off. I will work as long as needed today. I would rather work 12-14 hours today and get a couple days off then stress out the rest of the week. I may not be smart enough to get it all done though. I am hitting some snags that may require additional assistance. But if that's the case, fine, I will at least have done all I can do.
Heard from a number of people yesterday wishing me a merry christmas. Probably about 15-20 total which felt really nice. Helped to keep my mood elevated. I also have a party on Friday to look forward to which is helping. Then the nice part is no show until Monday. Nothing this weekend. That will be fun. I really do want to get this house cleaned and organized this week.
We also have planned our next Disney trip - Jan 18th. I was supposed to be out of town starting on the sixth but that hasn't been confirmed yet. I am hoping I can hold off on going anywhere cold but you know how that goes.
Huh. I just realized, I am still doing okay. Nothing I have written today is really sad or depressing. Nor is it manic or stressed out. Not bad old man, not bad.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Y4 D215
MERRY CHRISTMAS BITCHES!
Man that never gets old. Stupid, yes, old, no. So today is Christmas. YAY!
Yesterday however was a fuckfest. The kid was getting home as I was getting up. I settled in to do some work and got frustrated as hell. What should have taken a few hours ended up taking all day and I am still not done. Issues with the data not lining up. Which means more work tomorrow. Fuck me. On top of it, the kid's laptop decided to finally take a shit. Nice. It couldn't do it last week when there was still budget left and I was buying Christmas presents. No it does it on Christmas Eve. Luckily I had an old one she can use until we can get a more permanent solution. The only problem with the old one is that the wireless is dead on it so she has to use it in the front room plugged directly into the router. Whatever. But I definitely didn't need the aggravation while I was dealing with work shit at the same time. Made for a frustrating day.
Around 4 things got better. We went to sushi then the grocery store to make sure we had everything we needed in the house today. Then we watched Christmas shows - Grinch, Charlie Brown, and Always Sunny. Today we watch Die Hard because it's a goddamn Christmas movie. Come to the coast, have a few laughs...
I am doing pretty good right now. I am staying on the good side of silly without slipping over into annoying or stupid. Right on the edge, but I am trying my best. I am trying not to be a both to people but still have contact. I can do this. I know I can.
Man that never gets old. Stupid, yes, old, no. So today is Christmas. YAY!
Yesterday however was a fuckfest. The kid was getting home as I was getting up. I settled in to do some work and got frustrated as hell. What should have taken a few hours ended up taking all day and I am still not done. Issues with the data not lining up. Which means more work tomorrow. Fuck me. On top of it, the kid's laptop decided to finally take a shit. Nice. It couldn't do it last week when there was still budget left and I was buying Christmas presents. No it does it on Christmas Eve. Luckily I had an old one she can use until we can get a more permanent solution. The only problem with the old one is that the wireless is dead on it so she has to use it in the front room plugged directly into the router. Whatever. But I definitely didn't need the aggravation while I was dealing with work shit at the same time. Made for a frustrating day.
Around 4 things got better. We went to sushi then the grocery store to make sure we had everything we needed in the house today. Then we watched Christmas shows - Grinch, Charlie Brown, and Always Sunny. Today we watch Die Hard because it's a goddamn Christmas movie. Come to the coast, have a few laughs...
I am doing pretty good right now. I am staying on the good side of silly without slipping over into annoying or stupid. Right on the edge, but I am trying my best. I am trying not to be a both to people but still have contact. I can do this. I know I can.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Y4 D214
Been up for a while talking to the kid. She didn't get home until 6:30. From 10pm. A full graveyard shift. She doesn't mind though because now she can sleep and will only have a few hours until Christmas. Plus she is racking up some serious hours which will help her out in January. Me, I am up because I have to work. Worked yesterday too for a few hours. That's less PTO time I need to use this week so it isn't all bad.
Didn't do much yesterday. Went to the store to pick up a couple of things and was surprised at how dead it was. I just went to CVS but it was pretty empty. I am sure the mall was packed but there was no way I was going to go there. Stopped at the grocery store which was a little more crowded but still not horrible.
Came back home and she got up around 12:30. I made us a brunch of grilled cheese, soup, cheese, and fruit. Made more of that sangria too. It's pretty damn tasty. We sat around eating and watching Labyrinth. That was fun. I then played some Diablo and then worked. Didn't really eat dinner because she had to go out again. Heated up leftovers around 8.
I just have to get through today and it will be Christmas and I will have six days off. Damn.
Didn't do much yesterday. Went to the store to pick up a couple of things and was surprised at how dead it was. I just went to CVS but it was pretty empty. I am sure the mall was packed but there was no way I was going to go there. Stopped at the grocery store which was a little more crowded but still not horrible.
Came back home and she got up around 12:30. I made us a brunch of grilled cheese, soup, cheese, and fruit. Made more of that sangria too. It's pretty damn tasty. We sat around eating and watching Labyrinth. That was fun. I then played some Diablo and then worked. Didn't really eat dinner because she had to go out again. Heated up leftovers around 8.
I just have to get through today and it will be Christmas and I will have six days off. Damn.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Y4 D213
I braved the outside world yesterday. Ugh. I hate going out this time of year. So many rookies and idiots who are normally not out. I went out about 9ish because I needed a new hard drive and kitty litter. Yes, needed. Yesterday I was looking at one of the TV shows I have and I was thinking I know I have two more seasons of this show. So I pulled out my small portable drive (500gb) that I take with me on the road. Yep, there were the two missing seasons. AND 173 other movies I hadn't copied over because I didn't have the room. Dammit. Okay, time to cave in and buy a new drive. I had been procrastinating the kitty litter because I knew the cat could go a couple more days but now I had more of a reason. I was down to almost nothing on the one drive and this played my hand and sent me out into the world. I got a new 3TB for $120. Ridiculous. I am still moving things to it of course. Things like this don't happen instantly. Plus I am finding some of the files I have ripped are corrupt and will need to be done over. No big deal more just annoyance than anything else. I now have six terabytes on one machine. Insanity. I know for some that's nothing but the thought of having that much drive space 10 or 15 years ago would have been unheard of.
Got the drive and kitty litter and came back home. Hung out around the house for the rest of the day unti it was time to meet my director. She wanted to go over the NYE show and since she was going to be in the neighborhood I agreed to meet her at 6. We had a nice chat. It wasn't horrible or anything crazy. I got back home around 7. The kid had to work from 10-4am so I decided to go with her to the mall and see if there were any last minute presents. Ended up getting us both new sweaters for $15 each and a sweatshirt for her. Nothing crazy but it added to the pile. She went to work at ten and I walked home. That was actually nice. Being out at night alone. I got home around 10:30 and stayed up until about 12 copying more files.
All in all a pretty decent day. Social contact, outside, people drove me nuts, but whatever. Today I am going to work so I can have w-f off without guilt.
Got the drive and kitty litter and came back home. Hung out around the house for the rest of the day unti it was time to meet my director. She wanted to go over the NYE show and since she was going to be in the neighborhood I agreed to meet her at 6. We had a nice chat. It wasn't horrible or anything crazy. I got back home around 7. The kid had to work from 10-4am so I decided to go with her to the mall and see if there were any last minute presents. Ended up getting us both new sweaters for $15 each and a sweatshirt for her. Nothing crazy but it added to the pile. She went to work at ten and I walked home. That was actually nice. Being out at night alone. I got home around 10:30 and stayed up until about 12 copying more files.
All in all a pretty decent day. Social contact, outside, people drove me nuts, but whatever. Today I am going to work so I can have w-f off without guilt.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Y4 D212
My company, well technically my boss, pissed me off again yesterday. He did it to me again. 3pm on a Friday he drops shit on me. I am sorry if your idea of normal working hours and mine are different. I am sorry that because you are going out of town next week you think everything has to be done NOW. I ended up working until about 6 last night from early in the morning. I will probably end up working tomorrow too now in order to still take next week off. Asshat.
That was my day yesterday. Work. I know, stop complaining. Well fine.
Kid worked all day, came home. I made us a cranberry sangria and roasted chestnuts as a dessert last night. I am not a big sangria fan, but I have to admit, this turned out pretty good. Using decent wine is key. Most places use their shitty wine or wine they want to get rid of and it makes for crappy sangria. I also made a nice pasta dish for dinner. We ended up watching Shrek at like 10pm because we both were in the mood for something silly. Can you believe that movie is 12 years old now? Still funny. Parfaits. Who doesn't like a good parfait?
I sent out an email to about 10 people yesterday explaining to them why I have been in avoidance mode. I think it helped not only them, but me too. It helped me dump some of my feelings even more than I do here. Plus it gets everyone off my back. I really don't want to go out in public especially this time of year. One of my friends stopped by after work yesterday to pick up her Christmas present and it took her 25 minutes to go 2 miles. Yeah, I don't need to leave the house that much. Happy right here thank you very much. Of course today I have to go out to get kitty litter and I am already dreading it. But it's needed.
Things are slowly getting better. I am not depressed right now. No, it's more working on keeping the other side in check. I am doing okay with that so far. Not letting in the crazy. Keeping it cool. Almost Christmas...
That was my day yesterday. Work. I know, stop complaining. Well fine.
Kid worked all day, came home. I made us a cranberry sangria and roasted chestnuts as a dessert last night. I am not a big sangria fan, but I have to admit, this turned out pretty good. Using decent wine is key. Most places use their shitty wine or wine they want to get rid of and it makes for crappy sangria. I also made a nice pasta dish for dinner. We ended up watching Shrek at like 10pm because we both were in the mood for something silly. Can you believe that movie is 12 years old now? Still funny. Parfaits. Who doesn't like a good parfait?
I sent out an email to about 10 people yesterday explaining to them why I have been in avoidance mode. I think it helped not only them, but me too. It helped me dump some of my feelings even more than I do here. Plus it gets everyone off my back. I really don't want to go out in public especially this time of year. One of my friends stopped by after work yesterday to pick up her Christmas present and it took her 25 minutes to go 2 miles. Yeah, I don't need to leave the house that much. Happy right here thank you very much. Of course today I have to go out to get kitty litter and I am already dreading it. But it's needed.
Things are slowly getting better. I am not depressed right now. No, it's more working on keeping the other side in check. I am doing okay with that so far. Not letting in the crazy. Keeping it cool. Almost Christmas...
Friday, December 21, 2012
Y4 D211
Had another dream last night about a woman. This one was probably the most boring dream a guy could have about a woman. We were walking. And holding hands. Yeah, real exciting stuff. Tells you what my subconscious wants though, doesn't it? Normal guys have sex dreams. I have dreams about holding someone's hand. Look out, excitement overload here.
As to yesterday's issue with my sister - she did in fact almost die yesterday. That would have really fucked things up eh? Brother dies at thanksgiving, sister dies at Christmas? Nope. There's nothing wrong with me now...
They discovered a leak in their roof the other day and when she went up to put some pots under the leak until a contractor could come she discovered that she is allergic to their insulation. Severely allergic. Like airwaves collapsing anaphylactic shock allergic. Nine hours in the ER getting pumped full of steroids and adrenaline allergic. It was scary shit, but luckily she is okay. Good. One, I get to die next and two you can only die on a Tuesday. You know the fucking rules.
Worked all day yesterday on the new training guide. Got very frustrated though. I am finding it's a LOT of information. As I dig into one topic another topic weaves its way in. I am looking at a two and half to three day class. And I need to get this done by Monday. Today is a heads down do not disturb kind of day. I want to have it at least 60% complete by the end of today so people can start reviewing it over the weekend. I may hold it until Monday and deliver it then. That way people can review it next week.
The kid had a moment of crisis yesterday. Yesterday was her first 'free' day - no finals, no work, time to hang out with the new boy. But alas her work called her around 2 asking if she could work 7-12. She wanted to say no but I have raised her right and she knew saying no would be wrong in terms of some extra cash AND that she already turned down a shift on Wednesday. She said yes and then proceeded to melt down about it. But it really wasn't work that melted her down. It was everything. I worry sometimes that I have passed my depression genes along to her. I truly hope not. We had a long talk about her work, her college plans, her future, etc. The bottom line is I reminded her that I am not going anywhere. She has a roof over her head and food in the fridge as long as she needs. Plus that she is a good person and that she is still only 19. She needs to focus on that. She is just a kid. Yes, I know this is hypocritical coming from the guy who was at one point dating someone that old. But I never stood in her way to do what she wanted just as I will never stand in the kid's way to do what she wants to do and needs to do. Apparently I just want someone to hold hands with...
Her guy came over around 3:30 and he wasn't feeling well anyway and in the end it all worked out. I ordered them a pizza and while I worked, they played scrabble and some other games until she had to leave for work. I finished up around 6ish and then played some Diablo before going off to bed around 9:30. Seriously can my life be anymore exciting?
I still don't want to leave the house. I still don't want to be around people. My director texted me yesterday. I have to meet her and her husband before the 31st to go over the show. I don't want to really be in public, but I agreed to meet them saturday while she is getting more tattoo work done. This way it's a public place and I don't have to talk about the shit going on in my head. Just the facts ma'am.
Time for heads down work.
As to yesterday's issue with my sister - she did in fact almost die yesterday. That would have really fucked things up eh? Brother dies at thanksgiving, sister dies at Christmas? Nope. There's nothing wrong with me now...
They discovered a leak in their roof the other day and when she went up to put some pots under the leak until a contractor could come she discovered that she is allergic to their insulation. Severely allergic. Like airwaves collapsing anaphylactic shock allergic. Nine hours in the ER getting pumped full of steroids and adrenaline allergic. It was scary shit, but luckily she is okay. Good. One, I get to die next and two you can only die on a Tuesday. You know the fucking rules.
Worked all day yesterday on the new training guide. Got very frustrated though. I am finding it's a LOT of information. As I dig into one topic another topic weaves its way in. I am looking at a two and half to three day class. And I need to get this done by Monday. Today is a heads down do not disturb kind of day. I want to have it at least 60% complete by the end of today so people can start reviewing it over the weekend. I may hold it until Monday and deliver it then. That way people can review it next week.
The kid had a moment of crisis yesterday. Yesterday was her first 'free' day - no finals, no work, time to hang out with the new boy. But alas her work called her around 2 asking if she could work 7-12. She wanted to say no but I have raised her right and she knew saying no would be wrong in terms of some extra cash AND that she already turned down a shift on Wednesday. She said yes and then proceeded to melt down about it. But it really wasn't work that melted her down. It was everything. I worry sometimes that I have passed my depression genes along to her. I truly hope not. We had a long talk about her work, her college plans, her future, etc. The bottom line is I reminded her that I am not going anywhere. She has a roof over her head and food in the fridge as long as she needs. Plus that she is a good person and that she is still only 19. She needs to focus on that. She is just a kid. Yes, I know this is hypocritical coming from the guy who was at one point dating someone that old. But I never stood in her way to do what she wanted just as I will never stand in the kid's way to do what she wants to do and needs to do. Apparently I just want someone to hold hands with...
Her guy came over around 3:30 and he wasn't feeling well anyway and in the end it all worked out. I ordered them a pizza and while I worked, they played scrabble and some other games until she had to leave for work. I finished up around 6ish and then played some Diablo before going off to bed around 9:30. Seriously can my life be anymore exciting?
I still don't want to leave the house. I still don't want to be around people. My director texted me yesterday. I have to meet her and her husband before the 31st to go over the show. I don't want to really be in public, but I agreed to meet them saturday while she is getting more tattoo work done. This way it's a public place and I don't have to talk about the shit going on in my head. Just the facts ma'am.
Time for heads down work.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Y4 D210
Woke up this morning to a text from my sister. Apparently last night she was in the hospital and almost die?!?! Need to talk to her to find out what the hell happened. She better be okay.
Another uneventful day for me. Worked on some stuff. Kid and I went and did some Christmas shopping. Not for us for once. For her brother, her new BF, and well yeah, since we were at a toy store a couple things ended up in the cart for us. Oops. Hey it happens.
We finished Firefly last night. And as we were finishing her boytoy (the old one) came over. They ended up going out to sushi where she told him that their playtime was over now that she had someone stable in her life. Buh-bye boytoy. It was fun while it lasted. They are still trying to be friends though. So we all watched Serenity. Hey, if she is done with Firefly it was the perfect time to watch Serenity. Now her Joss Whedon experience is almost complete. Just Dollhouse and we are done.
That's about it. They brought me back sushi. Laundry is done. I have two more days and then I am off for a buttload of time. I still have to do some stuff on Monday if needed, but come Tuesday? Done for almost a full week. Won't have to stress out, can clean my house, and relax.
Now to find out what the fuck happened to my sister...
Another uneventful day for me. Worked on some stuff. Kid and I went and did some Christmas shopping. Not for us for once. For her brother, her new BF, and well yeah, since we were at a toy store a couple things ended up in the cart for us. Oops. Hey it happens.
We finished Firefly last night. And as we were finishing her boytoy (the old one) came over. They ended up going out to sushi where she told him that their playtime was over now that she had someone stable in her life. Buh-bye boytoy. It was fun while it lasted. They are still trying to be friends though. So we all watched Serenity. Hey, if she is done with Firefly it was the perfect time to watch Serenity. Now her Joss Whedon experience is almost complete. Just Dollhouse and we are done.
That's about it. They brought me back sushi. Laundry is done. I have two more days and then I am off for a buttload of time. I still have to do some stuff on Monday if needed, but come Tuesday? Done for almost a full week. Won't have to stress out, can clean my house, and relax.
Now to find out what the fuck happened to my sister...
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Y4 D209
More fucked up dreams last night. This one involved shootings and people trying to kill me. Not very much fun let me tell you.
Worked on something real finally yesterday. Also decided with my boss that if there is nothing solid for next week by tomorrow I am taking W-F off next week. Six days in a row off with the holiday and with no show on the weekend. Wow. I haven't had a stretch of peace like that in a while. Instead of having to sit at the computer and pretend I am doing something I will be completely free. I might take one of those days and do a Disneyland trip. Get one more in before the end of the year just because I can.
Other than work didn't do much of anything else yesterday. Had leftover stew. Watched more Firefly. We are almost done. Love how it took us 18 months to watch X-Files and like two weeks to watch all of Firefly. Still have 113 items in our instant queue though. Not like we are going to run out of things to watch anytime soon.
I am worried about the cat. She is sleeping more and starting to have some trouble breathing. In January I am going to take her in for a checkup, money be dammed. She will be 16 next year and needs to have a full workup. Just need to time it right but she needs to be looked at. I will be surprised if she makes it another year. Harsh but true.
Today is more work, the kid's last final, and that's about it.
Notice I haven't been running around? Haven't had any cast drama or shit to deal with lately? These are the positives to my self imposed isolation. Been kind of nice. A little antsy but manageable. I can do this. I can be an adult.
Worked on something real finally yesterday. Also decided with my boss that if there is nothing solid for next week by tomorrow I am taking W-F off next week. Six days in a row off with the holiday and with no show on the weekend. Wow. I haven't had a stretch of peace like that in a while. Instead of having to sit at the computer and pretend I am doing something I will be completely free. I might take one of those days and do a Disneyland trip. Get one more in before the end of the year just because I can.
Other than work didn't do much of anything else yesterday. Had leftover stew. Watched more Firefly. We are almost done. Love how it took us 18 months to watch X-Files and like two weeks to watch all of Firefly. Still have 113 items in our instant queue though. Not like we are going to run out of things to watch anytime soon.
I am worried about the cat. She is sleeping more and starting to have some trouble breathing. In January I am going to take her in for a checkup, money be dammed. She will be 16 next year and needs to have a full workup. Just need to time it right but she needs to be looked at. I will be surprised if she makes it another year. Harsh but true.
Today is more work, the kid's last final, and that's about it.
Notice I haven't been running around? Haven't had any cast drama or shit to deal with lately? These are the positives to my self imposed isolation. Been kind of nice. A little antsy but manageable. I can do this. I can be an adult.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Y4 D208
A new year's resolution to my fellow co-workers - DO NOT SEND EMAIL AFTER 11PM AT NIGHT UNLESS IT IS AN EMERGENCY. Just because YOU can't get your work done during the day doesn't mean the rest of us need to wake up to 10 emails and freak out because we think there is something important in there. Assholes.
Yeah, that's how I woke up this morning. Phone blinking, 10 new messages in my work email. Freaked out for a few minutes and then realized they were all useless. They couldn't have waited until the morning? Apparently not. Whatever.
I SHOULD be in Disneyland today. But I'm not. Because I have no friends and no life. Whee. Yay me. I did do some work yesterday. Started writing a new training class. I am checking with my finance guy right now to see how much PTO I have left. I may just take next week off if I have enough time saved up. Fuck it. No projects are coming down the pipe between now and the end of the year except for silly little BS stuff so I might as well enjoy the time instead of stressing and finding random things to work on.
Made stew last night. The kid is starting to get a cold and I wanted her to have something hearty to eat. Served it in a nice bread bowl for her. Good solid irish beef stew. Two and a half hours cooking time but so worth it. She went to bed at 8:30 last night she was feeling so lousy. Is it Christmas yet? I feel like this season has gone on forever.
Not much else to say.
Yeah, that's how I woke up this morning. Phone blinking, 10 new messages in my work email. Freaked out for a few minutes and then realized they were all useless. They couldn't have waited until the morning? Apparently not. Whatever.
I SHOULD be in Disneyland today. But I'm not. Because I have no friends and no life. Whee. Yay me. I did do some work yesterday. Started writing a new training class. I am checking with my finance guy right now to see how much PTO I have left. I may just take next week off if I have enough time saved up. Fuck it. No projects are coming down the pipe between now and the end of the year except for silly little BS stuff so I might as well enjoy the time instead of stressing and finding random things to work on.
Made stew last night. The kid is starting to get a cold and I wanted her to have something hearty to eat. Served it in a nice bread bowl for her. Good solid irish beef stew. Two and a half hours cooking time but so worth it. She went to bed at 8:30 last night she was feeling so lousy. Is it Christmas yet? I feel like this season has gone on forever.
Not much else to say.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Y4 D207
Now that was some much needed sleep. Damn. I went to bed around 10 and woke up initially at 3:20. I woke up from a great dream. I was in a classroom and there was another instructor there but someone told me I needed to organize and get everyone outside because the parade was about to start and the other instructor wasn't moving fast enough. So I did what I do and that's take over and got everyone outside and then I grabbed the other instructor and got her outside. Her. She was perfect. She was wearing a cropped black leather jacket, jeans, a pony tail in her hair. Yeah, it was the kind of dream where I remember those details because even my brain knows the only place I will find someone perfect for me is in my dreams...
Went back to sleep until the alarm went off at 6. I then checked my work email, saw nothing, and fell back to sleep until 8. Fuck it. It's the holidays almost. Not my fault dammit. I want to have some work but if there is nothing, there is nothing.
Yesterday was a rough day for the kid. She left for work before 7 and didn't get home until 2. Not only did she have the stress of working retail during the holidays, but they all came in to find there restroom overflowing, the plumbers not able to do anything because it was Sunday, the janitors looking and going yeah, no, their anti theft gun broke, the anti theft door thing was on the fritz, and on top of it people were being messy assholes. She came home just exhausted. I felt bad for her. She went and slept from 3-5 to relax and then finished up her last project for the semester for one of her classes.
I made us cornish game hens for dinner and we watched a couple of Firefly episodes and then a movie called The Confederate States of America. Funny and scary all at the same time. I recommend it. It is an alternate timeline movie of what the US would have been if the South had won. At the end they show what was real and what was fictional. The real parts are almost more disturbing than the fictional.
I heard from a friend last night whom I haven't heard from in a while. She has been recovering from some surgery and I have left her alone because I figured she was still recuperating and would reach out when she is better. Tada. I hope she is fully recovered soon.
That's about it. As you can see, mentally I am hanging in there. Not good, not bad. It might seem strange to some that by avoiding people I am doing better mentally but that's just how it goes. It helps me keep things in check. When I control the size of my world, I can control my reaction and behavior towards the world. I need to do laundry. Yep, random but just thought about that.
Off to shower.
Went back to sleep until the alarm went off at 6. I then checked my work email, saw nothing, and fell back to sleep until 8. Fuck it. It's the holidays almost. Not my fault dammit. I want to have some work but if there is nothing, there is nothing.
Yesterday was a rough day for the kid. She left for work before 7 and didn't get home until 2. Not only did she have the stress of working retail during the holidays, but they all came in to find there restroom overflowing, the plumbers not able to do anything because it was Sunday, the janitors looking and going yeah, no, their anti theft gun broke, the anti theft door thing was on the fritz, and on top of it people were being messy assholes. She came home just exhausted. I felt bad for her. She went and slept from 3-5 to relax and then finished up her last project for the semester for one of her classes.
I made us cornish game hens for dinner and we watched a couple of Firefly episodes and then a movie called The Confederate States of America. Funny and scary all at the same time. I recommend it. It is an alternate timeline movie of what the US would have been if the South had won. At the end they show what was real and what was fictional. The real parts are almost more disturbing than the fictional.
I heard from a friend last night whom I haven't heard from in a while. She has been recovering from some surgery and I have left her alone because I figured she was still recuperating and would reach out when she is better. Tada. I hope she is fully recovered soon.
That's about it. As you can see, mentally I am hanging in there. Not good, not bad. It might seem strange to some that by avoiding people I am doing better mentally but that's just how it goes. It helps me keep things in check. When I control the size of my world, I can control my reaction and behavior towards the world. I need to do laundry. Yep, random but just thought about that.
Off to shower.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Y4 D206
Hi. I think I might still be a little drunk. It's what? 9:25am. Yep. Okay. I went to bed like seven hours ago but didn't help. Still a little drunk. Wheeeee.
Maybe. Just maybe, I am happy? Not drunk, just happy? Not sure. Ask me in a while.
So.
Yesterday. Didn't do jack diddly shit during the day. Kid went to work. I stayed home. Yadda yadda. She got home though and we went and had some fun. I gave in to the manic side. Just a little bit. But enough that I feel pretty good today. I have to do it in small doses. Just let a little in while throttling the full blown episodes. I think I did pretty good.
We went out to run some errands and ended up at KMart of all places. We decided to be ghetto and have some fun. Ended up buying more Christmas gifts. I swear you look at our tree (what little of it is still showing) and you'd think 20 people live here. But here's the thing - they're stupid gifts. Like I bought a $4.99 set of baking sheets and wrapped them. A new shower curtain. Wrapped. Yeah, it was fun.
She had her new boytoy over. His name for the purpose of this blog will be House by the way. Don't ask, just roll with it. So House was coming over. But I wanted Indian food. I dragged the kid and House out to have dinner. Since I wanted to give them some privacy <-- 2013="2013" a="a" accent="accent" already="already" an="an" and="and" are="are" around="around" at="at" bale.="bale." bar="bar" be="be" but="but" by="by" christian="christian" confirmed="confirmed" conversation="conversation" did="did" didn="didn" director="director" dive="dive" do="do" engaged="engaged" english="english" everyone="everyone" friend.="friend." fuck="fuck" fully="fully" fun="fun" go="go" going="going" good="good" guy="guy" had="had" happen="happen" hard="hard" haven="haven" having="having" house="house" i="i" in="in" instead="instead" it.="it." it="it" kept="kept" kind="kind" last="last" leaving="leaving" left="left" like="like" local="local" looked="looked" made="made" may="may" maybe="maybe" midnight="midnight" movie="movie" my="my" nbsp="nbsp" new="new" night.="night." not="not" of="of" out.="out." over="over" own="own" p="p" people.="people." plans="plans" point="point" really="really" s="s" said="said" set="set" she="she" some="some" still="still" t="t" that.="that." that="that" they="they" think="think" those="those" time.="time." time="time" to="to" together.="together." viewing="viewing" want="want" wanted="wanted" was="was" watch="watch" we="we" went="went" were="were" who="who" with="with" yet.="yet.">
BUT when I got home the kid and House were still up. Bad decision on their part. I kept drinking and dragged them into a game of bananagrams. I was drunk and goofy so I didn't care. After that I passed out. Who knows what they did. She had work at 7 so haven't confirmed with her yet either.
Today I am going to enjoy this upswing. God only knows how long it will last...
Maybe. Just maybe, I am happy? Not drunk, just happy? Not sure. Ask me in a while.
So.
Yesterday. Didn't do jack diddly shit during the day. Kid went to work. I stayed home. Yadda yadda. She got home though and we went and had some fun. I gave in to the manic side. Just a little bit. But enough that I feel pretty good today. I have to do it in small doses. Just let a little in while throttling the full blown episodes. I think I did pretty good.
We went out to run some errands and ended up at KMart of all places. We decided to be ghetto and have some fun. Ended up buying more Christmas gifts. I swear you look at our tree (what little of it is still showing) and you'd think 20 people live here. But here's the thing - they're stupid gifts. Like I bought a $4.99 set of baking sheets and wrapped them. A new shower curtain. Wrapped. Yeah, it was fun.
She had her new boytoy over. His name for the purpose of this blog will be House by the way. Don't ask, just roll with it. So House was coming over. But I wanted Indian food. I dragged the kid and House out to have dinner. Since I wanted to give them some privacy <-- 2013="2013" a="a" accent="accent" already="already" an="an" and="and" are="are" around="around" at="at" bale.="bale." bar="bar" be="be" but="but" by="by" christian="christian" confirmed="confirmed" conversation="conversation" did="did" didn="didn" director="director" dive="dive" do="do" engaged="engaged" english="english" everyone="everyone" friend.="friend." fuck="fuck" fully="fully" fun="fun" go="go" going="going" good="good" guy="guy" had="had" happen="happen" hard="hard" haven="haven" having="having" house="house" i="i" in="in" instead="instead" it.="it." it="it" kept="kept" kind="kind" last="last" leaving="leaving" left="left" like="like" local="local" looked="looked" made="made" may="may" maybe="maybe" midnight="midnight" movie="movie" my="my" nbsp="nbsp" new="new" night.="night." not="not" of="of" out.="out." over="over" own="own" p="p" people.="people." plans="plans" point="point" really="really" s="s" said="said" set="set" she="she" some="some" still="still" t="t" that.="that." that="that" they="they" think="think" those="those" time.="time." time="time" to="to" together.="together." viewing="viewing" want="want" wanted="wanted" was="was" watch="watch" we="we" went="went" were="were" who="who" with="with" yet.="yet.">
BUT when I got home the kid and House were still up. Bad decision on their part. I kept drinking and dragged them into a game of bananagrams. I was drunk and goofy so I didn't care. After that I passed out. Who knows what they did. She had work at 7 so haven't confirmed with her yet either.
Today I am going to enjoy this upswing. God only knows how long it will last...
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Y4 D205
I know why old people go to bed when they do - you're sitting around and thinking well fuck it, I have nothing else to do. Might as well go to bed. That was me at 9pm last night. Fuck it. Go to bed. Some clarification - I have been working from home without really any kind of change of scenery for 4 weeks. Six if you take out my trip to Portland, 8 if you take out my Halloween crazy week. That's a lot of time at home. And what happens is you lose sense of what actual time it is. Everything starts blending together and looking the same. Especially this time of year when the weather is gray and cloudy all day. It all looks the same. It's 3 in the afternoon but it looks and feels like 7 because you have been up since 5am. This is why at 9 you find yourself feeling like you should go to bed because it feels like midnight.
Had the weirdest dream too. Was in a bed in a cabana next to a pool and we (was with someone don't know who it was) were being woken up because the pool needed to open for the day. And they gave us a bill for sleeping there. By the clock in the cabana it was 7:01. Unfortunately this dream woke ME up in real life and it was not 7:01, but rather 4:24. Whee. I tried to go back to sleep but yeah didn't happen. I finally gave up a little while ago.
Had a call yesterday which could lead to a decent project in January. That means I have possibly two if not three projects on the horizon for 2013 already. Good. I just need to get there. This next week is a full week and nothing scheduled as of yet. Really sucks.
After the call that was pretty much it. I poked around on the internet, read a book, played video games, made dinner, watched some TV, went to bed. I didn't want to go out. I MIGHT go out tonight since the kid has a boy coming over. I might go to give them some privacy. But it's cold and nasty out there and I don't want to leave my nice warm house dammit. We shall see.
That's all that's new with me...
Had the weirdest dream too. Was in a bed in a cabana next to a pool and we (was with someone don't know who it was) were being woken up because the pool needed to open for the day. And they gave us a bill for sleeping there. By the clock in the cabana it was 7:01. Unfortunately this dream woke ME up in real life and it was not 7:01, but rather 4:24. Whee. I tried to go back to sleep but yeah didn't happen. I finally gave up a little while ago.
Had a call yesterday which could lead to a decent project in January. That means I have possibly two if not three projects on the horizon for 2013 already. Good. I just need to get there. This next week is a full week and nothing scheduled as of yet. Really sucks.
After the call that was pretty much it. I poked around on the internet, read a book, played video games, made dinner, watched some TV, went to bed. I didn't want to go out. I MIGHT go out tonight since the kid has a boy coming over. I might go to give them some privacy. But it's cold and nasty out there and I don't want to leave my nice warm house dammit. We shall see.
That's all that's new with me...
Friday, December 14, 2012
Y4 D204
I am hanging in there. I am doing okay but still staying away from people right now. You see, I am trying to not go off to the 'other side' while trying to shake off the depression. Normally when I come out of one of these depressed states it leads into a manic state. Uncontrolled behavior, irresponsible behavior, dangerous behavior, all of the above. Well this time I am trying to stay balanced. I am trying to come out of being depressed without having to resort to mania as the way out. And that's tough. I mean really really tough. Like the other night after the party I got invited by one of my co-workers to keep partying. The urge was there. It was really strong. But I fought it and went home. I went to bed. He must have had fun as he texted me yesterday telling me I missed out on a wild time. Good. It would have not ended well for me. I know this for fact. So you see, I am not quite out of the funk place because I am trying to not slip into the insane place. Balance. This means I need to watch who and how I interact with other people. Small one on one things I can handle. I can handle some small conversation. I can handle lunch with a friend. I can't handle letting myself go at a party. I need to watch that. The minute I give in, I am afraid I will go too far. The tough part is that this causes me to start to slip back into the darker thoughts. I am fighting myself to stay out of there. Stay away from light Carol Ann...
Didn't do anything yesterday for work which sucks. We are too close to the end of the year for solid projects. I am doing little one off things right now and it's rough. I need to get back on a solid week plus long thing. Hopefully January will pick back up. Just need to bide my time and play nice.
Watched some Firefly with the kid, made mahi for dinner on top of quinoa and braised cabbage. Played Diablo, went to bed. Safe. Sane.
Friday night. Let's see if I can still stay cool...
Didn't do anything yesterday for work which sucks. We are too close to the end of the year for solid projects. I am doing little one off things right now and it's rough. I need to get back on a solid week plus long thing. Hopefully January will pick back up. Just need to bide my time and play nice.
Watched some Firefly with the kid, made mahi for dinner on top of quinoa and braised cabbage. Played Diablo, went to bed. Safe. Sane.
Friday night. Let's see if I can still stay cool...
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Y4 D203
I'm ALMOST back to 'normal'. I am right there on the cusp of being fully functional. There are still certain people I don't want to be around and certain things which aren't good for me, but I think I can manage. I think I can get through the days.
Went to my holiday Christmas dinner last night. Copious amounts of alcohol ingested. Free alcohol too. I didn't eat much unfortunately. The food just wasn't that good. Which was a real let down since this is one of the better restaurants in town. It's the age old issue of being in a group setting. They give you the shit menu. The let's make everyone happy by serving bland wedding fare. Sucks. AND they had us up on the 9th floor of the hotel in a makeshift dining room. Aka a conference room. Double sucks. I would NOT go back there again. Just on principle.
My companion for the night was a good friend whose father runs a company a couple blocks from the hotel specializing in consulting to the healthcare industry. She works for him for now until she is accepted to grad school so she can pursue her PhD in Medieval History. Yeah. I know. I have taught her to say 'Do you want to hear our specials?' quite well. Point being, given the nature of her father's business and its clients, she is quite used to doing these holiday/corporate function type things. One of the reasons I invited her to join me.
The day was pretty boring. I headed up to the city around 4, met her about 5:30. Her birthday is on Friday so I took her to the Disney store pre-party to pick out a present. She picked out a t-shirt and a mug. We then headed over to the hotel, saw that they had us in a 'room' and went back down to 5 to the bar. Two cocktails later we headed back to the main party.
I mean the people were fun and I enjoyed talking to folks, but the ambience sucked ass like the food. Sorry but it did. I remember 98% of the night. I do know that I for once didn't make the most inappropriate comment of the night. That honor went to the gentleman from South Africa who was proud to announce his country just got named as having the largest average penis length in the world at 6.9 inches. Yay?
I put her in a cab around 11, headed to the station, kid picked me up. She worked until 11 anyway so it wasn't a big deal. I let her drive and I was quiet. I know it makes her nervous having me in the car. I tried to be good but let's be honest, I was drunk. I was rolling down the window on her and she was cranking the heat. Then we got home and she refused to parallel park which pissed me off so I moved the car. This insulted her which is understandable. We talked about it this morning.
Let's see if there's any aftermath to deal with today. I am not expecting any though to be honest. I am fucking hungry...
Went to my holiday Christmas dinner last night. Copious amounts of alcohol ingested. Free alcohol too. I didn't eat much unfortunately. The food just wasn't that good. Which was a real let down since this is one of the better restaurants in town. It's the age old issue of being in a group setting. They give you the shit menu. The let's make everyone happy by serving bland wedding fare. Sucks. AND they had us up on the 9th floor of the hotel in a makeshift dining room. Aka a conference room. Double sucks. I would NOT go back there again. Just on principle.
My companion for the night was a good friend whose father runs a company a couple blocks from the hotel specializing in consulting to the healthcare industry. She works for him for now until she is accepted to grad school so she can pursue her PhD in Medieval History. Yeah. I know. I have taught her to say 'Do you want to hear our specials?' quite well. Point being, given the nature of her father's business and its clients, she is quite used to doing these holiday/corporate function type things. One of the reasons I invited her to join me.
The day was pretty boring. I headed up to the city around 4, met her about 5:30. Her birthday is on Friday so I took her to the Disney store pre-party to pick out a present. She picked out a t-shirt and a mug. We then headed over to the hotel, saw that they had us in a 'room' and went back down to 5 to the bar. Two cocktails later we headed back to the main party.
I mean the people were fun and I enjoyed talking to folks, but the ambience sucked ass like the food. Sorry but it did. I remember 98% of the night. I do know that I for once didn't make the most inappropriate comment of the night. That honor went to the gentleman from South Africa who was proud to announce his country just got named as having the largest average penis length in the world at 6.9 inches. Yay?
I put her in a cab around 11, headed to the station, kid picked me up. She worked until 11 anyway so it wasn't a big deal. I let her drive and I was quiet. I know it makes her nervous having me in the car. I tried to be good but let's be honest, I was drunk. I was rolling down the window on her and she was cranking the heat. Then we got home and she refused to parallel park which pissed me off so I moved the car. This insulted her which is understandable. We talked about it this morning.
Let's see if there's any aftermath to deal with today. I am not expecting any though to be honest. I am fucking hungry...
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Y4 D202
Hello. I am still here. I am still functional. I worked all day yesterday on some random stuff my boss threw at me around 11. Took me until about 7 to finish it. At least I had a full day's worth of work. Not bad given the time of year and that I am in between things. Mentally I am doing okay. Not fantastic, but not horrible either.
I did order a Christmas gift for the house yesterday. My friend who is an artist released some new paintings yesterday afternoon. About 10 of them and the first right of purchase went to about 12 of us who are past buyers of his work. I ended up getting one of the smaller ones. He was very smart and ranged them from $100 - $1000 to allow every budget to be able to make a purchase. Obviously I went with the low end. I don't mind spending $100 on something that will one day be worth much more. These are originals, not lithographs, not copies. Nope, there is only one of I bought and it's the kind of thing that will only appreciate.
He is a very well known artist and I am proud to be able to call him and his wife my friends. His work is seen internationally, on television, and licensed to a number of brands most people know. To have an original, my 4th, means something to me. His wife and I talked for a while on the phone. She misses seeing me around town. She also had some advice for me on my mental state which actually helped a little. Put some things into perspective for me. Just about not letting bad people or things even get in your life. That there's nothing wrong with just 'walking away' from those things. No client, no job, no person is worth dragging down your mental health in essence was her message. And these are two very successful people that I can really listen to and that I admire.
Tonight is my Christmas party. There's going to be some fireworks I am afraid. I don't want my picture taken and yet they are going to have a professional photographer there tonight. I got an email at like 11pm saying I should wear a coat, tie, and shirt for tonight. Bitch please, like you need to tell me how to dress. Like I am some dumbass developer who doesn't know anything about fashion. Bite me.
If they want a picture, they will get it with all my piercings showing and anything else I can do to make it unusable. There is nothing in any of my documentation that says they have the right to use my image for marketing or sales purposes. Hence, I can refuse to take a picture. Sorry, I just don't like my picture being taken. It's a personal thing.
Slept like shit too. Not sure why. Mostly I had trouble falling asleep. Too much swirling around in my head. Nothing horrible, just a lot of thoughts.
I think I am slowly starting to come back on an upswing. Let's see how this goes tonight.
I did order a Christmas gift for the house yesterday. My friend who is an artist released some new paintings yesterday afternoon. About 10 of them and the first right of purchase went to about 12 of us who are past buyers of his work. I ended up getting one of the smaller ones. He was very smart and ranged them from $100 - $1000 to allow every budget to be able to make a purchase. Obviously I went with the low end. I don't mind spending $100 on something that will one day be worth much more. These are originals, not lithographs, not copies. Nope, there is only one of I bought and it's the kind of thing that will only appreciate.
He is a very well known artist and I am proud to be able to call him and his wife my friends. His work is seen internationally, on television, and licensed to a number of brands most people know. To have an original, my 4th, means something to me. His wife and I talked for a while on the phone. She misses seeing me around town. She also had some advice for me on my mental state which actually helped a little. Put some things into perspective for me. Just about not letting bad people or things even get in your life. That there's nothing wrong with just 'walking away' from those things. No client, no job, no person is worth dragging down your mental health in essence was her message. And these are two very successful people that I can really listen to and that I admire.
Tonight is my Christmas party. There's going to be some fireworks I am afraid. I don't want my picture taken and yet they are going to have a professional photographer there tonight. I got an email at like 11pm saying I should wear a coat, tie, and shirt for tonight. Bitch please, like you need to tell me how to dress. Like I am some dumbass developer who doesn't know anything about fashion. Bite me.
If they want a picture, they will get it with all my piercings showing and anything else I can do to make it unusable. There is nothing in any of my documentation that says they have the right to use my image for marketing or sales purposes. Hence, I can refuse to take a picture. Sorry, I just don't like my picture being taken. It's a personal thing.
Slept like shit too. Not sure why. Mostly I had trouble falling asleep. Too much swirling around in my head. Nothing horrible, just a lot of thoughts.
I think I am slowly starting to come back on an upswing. Let's see how this goes tonight.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Y4 D201
Got to sleep this morning. Finally done with the 3am days thank God. I went to bed at 8:30 last night I was exhausted from the day. Slept until 6. Not a completely restful sleep, but at least I slept.
I often wonder what the boundary is these days for work related email. Remember the days when people couldn't send you messages all hours of the damn day and night? Or when your work email stayed at work and not on your phone, home computer, etc? I received more emails after 9pm last night than I did during the entire day. This is part of why I couldn't sleep last night. Bing. Bing. Bing. GO AWAY. There has to be some etiquette about these things.
Trained all day obviously. Finished up around 2:30, played some Diablo, watched Merlin, and then went to bed. That was my day. Kid had a date so she left at 6am for class and I have no idea what time she got home.
I will admit yesterday was a better day. I am still not out of the woods. Tomorrow for example is my company holiday dinner and while part of me wants to go, there's another part that wants to beg it off completely. Especially since one of the emails I got (at 12:02am mind you) was about there being a photographer at the party tomorrow. Unacceptable. I will not allow myself to be photographed. I don't want that.
I miss my life from before a little bit. I miss being able to walk out my front door and walk downtown. Even if I didn't do anything I felt like I could get out of the house and be somewhere. I think I have had it with this location. My lease is up in July. Time to start planning for a move.
Nothing other than some minor stuff planned for today. Let's see how that goes.
I often wonder what the boundary is these days for work related email. Remember the days when people couldn't send you messages all hours of the damn day and night? Or when your work email stayed at work and not on your phone, home computer, etc? I received more emails after 9pm last night than I did during the entire day. This is part of why I couldn't sleep last night. Bing. Bing. Bing. GO AWAY. There has to be some etiquette about these things.
Trained all day obviously. Finished up around 2:30, played some Diablo, watched Merlin, and then went to bed. That was my day. Kid had a date so she left at 6am for class and I have no idea what time she got home.
I will admit yesterday was a better day. I am still not out of the woods. Tomorrow for example is my company holiday dinner and while part of me wants to go, there's another part that wants to beg it off completely. Especially since one of the emails I got (at 12:02am mind you) was about there being a photographer at the party tomorrow. Unacceptable. I will not allow myself to be photographed. I don't want that.
I miss my life from before a little bit. I miss being able to walk out my front door and walk downtown. Even if I didn't do anything I felt like I could get out of the house and be somewhere. I think I have had it with this location. My lease is up in July. Time to start planning for a move.
Nothing other than some minor stuff planned for today. Let's see how that goes.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Y4 D200
A few things about yesterday's post:
1. I am anything BUT apathetic about my situation. I spend most of my time thinking about it and how I can change it, where I can change, what parts I have to learn to accept, what parts are decision versus nature, and every other aspect of it.
2. I wish I could go to one on one counseling. Unfortunately my insurance only covers group. If I want personal counseling I have to pay anywhere from $100-$150 a session out of pocket. I don't qualify for shit because I 'make too much money' according to the rules. Now, I am switching insurance carriers 1/1 and who knows, maybe then I will have some mental health insurance that's worth a damn.
3. I won't take meds. Sorry, but I won't. I have been down that path before and I don't like it. I don't like who I am, what they do to me, and the fact that I am dependent on a PILL to MASK what's wrong with me instead of fixing it. Look at Larry Flynt - he was on so many drugs every day to mask the pain he was experiencing and he hated it. When he had the choice to have surgery to be out of pain that would essentially put him in a wheelchair for the rest of his life, he chose that. FIX me, don't hide the issue. I am with him. I would suffer through EST if it fixed the problem before taking a fucking pill.
4. I know that in part my issues are self-inflicted and temporary. They are a result of choices both made and thrust upon me and are situational. Don't forget all the things I have been going through have only been since May of 2009. Less than four years. In that time I have dealt with more shit than most people deal with their entire lives. The fact that I am still walking and functioning is a testimony to the strength of my character. When the dust settles, I am a bad motherfucker. I bounce where other people crumble. It also means that sometimes I just need to fucking vent okay? I need to get all these things OUT before they explode inside.
Like yesterday for example - I turned off my phone and all chats. Why? Because I didn't want to explode on anyone. They don't deserve it. It's my head and I don't get to puke it on them. Here I can puke. On them, no.
There are other things I have come to terms with too. I have given up the romance of finding someone. I won't settle though either. Hence, I must accept that I am probably going to be alone for a long time. It is what it is. I also know that once the kid is out, I will have more options open to me and I will be able to change some of the things eating at me right now. I am a create of wanderlust, I know this. I need to be seeing and doing. Part of the problem is I have been home for WEEKS and seeing the same four walls gets to me. I need to GO somewhere. Which is why I was more upset than I should have been about not going to Disneyland next week. I was hoping for that catharsis of being out of town. I should be back on the road in January which will help.
So there you go.
Waited for the kid to get home from work yesterday and then we went Christmas shopping. I spent $3 at the bar Saturday night and decided to spend what I would have normally spent on Christmas toys for us. Yes, toys. We went to Toys R Us and bought $50 worth of dumb gifts. Made us both happy.
Came home, made dinner, went to bed at 7:30. Today is another up at 3:15 days. Done at 1.
1. I am anything BUT apathetic about my situation. I spend most of my time thinking about it and how I can change it, where I can change, what parts I have to learn to accept, what parts are decision versus nature, and every other aspect of it.
2. I wish I could go to one on one counseling. Unfortunately my insurance only covers group. If I want personal counseling I have to pay anywhere from $100-$150 a session out of pocket. I don't qualify for shit because I 'make too much money' according to the rules. Now, I am switching insurance carriers 1/1 and who knows, maybe then I will have some mental health insurance that's worth a damn.
3. I won't take meds. Sorry, but I won't. I have been down that path before and I don't like it. I don't like who I am, what they do to me, and the fact that I am dependent on a PILL to MASK what's wrong with me instead of fixing it. Look at Larry Flynt - he was on so many drugs every day to mask the pain he was experiencing and he hated it. When he had the choice to have surgery to be out of pain that would essentially put him in a wheelchair for the rest of his life, he chose that. FIX me, don't hide the issue. I am with him. I would suffer through EST if it fixed the problem before taking a fucking pill.
4. I know that in part my issues are self-inflicted and temporary. They are a result of choices both made and thrust upon me and are situational. Don't forget all the things I have been going through have only been since May of 2009. Less than four years. In that time I have dealt with more shit than most people deal with their entire lives. The fact that I am still walking and functioning is a testimony to the strength of my character. When the dust settles, I am a bad motherfucker. I bounce where other people crumble. It also means that sometimes I just need to fucking vent okay? I need to get all these things OUT before they explode inside.
Like yesterday for example - I turned off my phone and all chats. Why? Because I didn't want to explode on anyone. They don't deserve it. It's my head and I don't get to puke it on them. Here I can puke. On them, no.
There are other things I have come to terms with too. I have given up the romance of finding someone. I won't settle though either. Hence, I must accept that I am probably going to be alone for a long time. It is what it is. I also know that once the kid is out, I will have more options open to me and I will be able to change some of the things eating at me right now. I am a create of wanderlust, I know this. I need to be seeing and doing. Part of the problem is I have been home for WEEKS and seeing the same four walls gets to me. I need to GO somewhere. Which is why I was more upset than I should have been about not going to Disneyland next week. I was hoping for that catharsis of being out of town. I should be back on the road in January which will help.
So there you go.
Waited for the kid to get home from work yesterday and then we went Christmas shopping. I spent $3 at the bar Saturday night and decided to spend what I would have normally spent on Christmas toys for us. Yes, toys. We went to Toys R Us and bought $50 worth of dumb gifts. Made us both happy.
Came home, made dinner, went to bed at 7:30. Today is another up at 3:15 days. Done at 1.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Y4 D199
One of the hardest questions for me to answer for people is "Are you okay?" or "What's wrong?". Because the real answer would go something like this:
"Nothing. Everything. I don't know? My life? My lack of a emotional and physical intimacy with someone I actually care about? My financial outlook for the future? My job satisfaction? My overall life satisfaction? My body image? My mental image? The fact that I am getting older and have nothing to show for it and will leave behind anything but a beautiful corpse? That I hate everyone and yet love everyone at the same time? I don't know how to answer your question because truthfully I don't know what's wrong other than I feel hollow, empty, lonely, and want to give up. But hey, thanks for asking."
Yeah, no one wants to hear that. So you say "I'm fine." or "Nothing, just tired.". When in reality you want to climb to the top of the tallest building and scream at the world to wake up and then jump off feeling for once in your life that you are truly free.
I ate 170 calories yesterday. Four triscuits, 2.5 diet rockstars. I wasn't hungry at all. I'm still not. And yes, I am up at 5:30 on a Sunday. Not because I had a show last night. No, I was in bed by 11. Instead I decided to be a nice guy and get up and cook breakfast for the kid before she has to go off to work. She has to work at 7 and I want her to have energy and be in a good mood. One of us should be in this house at least.
On the way home from the party I went to last night I was listening to the USB drive I have in the car. 700+ songs set on random. Closer came on. At first I started thinking about how it reflects the relationship I have with SG but then I realized it's HER version of our 'relationship'. She's the one who needs to pretend to be someone else. She's the one who needs someone to make her perfect. I can't take her fucking narcissism right now. I don't have anything of myself left to give to her. She wants to get together now that she is back in town but I just can't do it. I can't bring myself to be with her. How fucking sad is that? There are men my age would be in awe. "Yeah, I got this 21, almost 22, year old who wants nothing from me except to hook up and have sex for hours. Kinda sucks, but you know how it goes.". Truthfully most people DON'T know how that goes. You can't go up to someone my age who has been married forever with kids at home and say "Yeah, I am tired of sportfucking. I really want to be back in a relationship that matters.". They stare at you with the look in incredulity like you just walked out of a time machine from 1900. The words don't make any sense to them.
Well they do to me. I don't want to sport fuck any more. Hell I don't even want to fuck any more. Is it so wrong that I just want someone to SHARE experiences with right now? And I am not saying I want to sit on the couch and cuddle or any bullshit like that. I still want to live my life and have fun, I have just reached the breaking point of doing it ALONE.
I guess I should mention what brought all this on. This vomiting of words. This spewing. Sorry I had to take a break to make the kid's breakfast as promised. At least she is proud of me. I didn't break my promise. I was home early, up early, and delivered on the promised breakfast meal. I can make someone happy at least.
Anyway last night was our cast birthday party. 17 years the cast has officially been in existence in one form or another. Not everyone obviously been on there for 17 years. I think the longest running are our directors at 15 years.
I go to the pub where the party is at and I really didn't want to go because I knew what was going to happen but there supposed to be people there for whom I have Christmas presents. Of course all of them bailed. Great. Had I known I would have begged off. Whatever. I wasn't drinking. I wasn't talking because I just didn't want to have any contact with people. Because as I look around the room everyone is happy and engaged with each other. I didn't belong. Once again. I didn't fit in. I wasn't there with anyone. I wasn't going home with anyone. Alone and isolated as usual. So I stayed to myself and left without any fanfare. I could have tried to be more engaging but the simple truth is I didn't want to be engaged. I wanted the isolation. It felt right. It felt like what I deserve. Explain all that to someone when they ask "What's wrong?".
The day yesterday was okay. The kid worked. I went grocery shopping in the morning. Got $260 worth of groceries for $190. Some smart shopping. Some digital coupon use. I hate coupons, but if I can go to a website and assign coupons to my frequent shopper card, fine. I will do that. Saved an extra 10% off my bill by doing that. Stopped at the dollar store for stocking stuffers. Boring basic shit but needed to get done shit too.
Hung out and relaxed until the kid got home then headed to the party. That was my day. That is my mindset. I have turned off all facebook chats today because I just don't want to deal with SG. I am at the point where I am going to snap with her and I don't want to be an asshole. It's best if I avoid rather than confront right now. Just for now.
My back hurts. I need to go soak it today.
"Nothing. Everything. I don't know? My life? My lack of a emotional and physical intimacy with someone I actually care about? My financial outlook for the future? My job satisfaction? My overall life satisfaction? My body image? My mental image? The fact that I am getting older and have nothing to show for it and will leave behind anything but a beautiful corpse? That I hate everyone and yet love everyone at the same time? I don't know how to answer your question because truthfully I don't know what's wrong other than I feel hollow, empty, lonely, and want to give up. But hey, thanks for asking."
Yeah, no one wants to hear that. So you say "I'm fine." or "Nothing, just tired.". When in reality you want to climb to the top of the tallest building and scream at the world to wake up and then jump off feeling for once in your life that you are truly free.
I ate 170 calories yesterday. Four triscuits, 2.5 diet rockstars. I wasn't hungry at all. I'm still not. And yes, I am up at 5:30 on a Sunday. Not because I had a show last night. No, I was in bed by 11. Instead I decided to be a nice guy and get up and cook breakfast for the kid before she has to go off to work. She has to work at 7 and I want her to have energy and be in a good mood. One of us should be in this house at least.
On the way home from the party I went to last night I was listening to the USB drive I have in the car. 700+ songs set on random. Closer came on. At first I started thinking about how it reflects the relationship I have with SG but then I realized it's HER version of our 'relationship'. She's the one who needs to pretend to be someone else. She's the one who needs someone to make her perfect. I can't take her fucking narcissism right now. I don't have anything of myself left to give to her. She wants to get together now that she is back in town but I just can't do it. I can't bring myself to be with her. How fucking sad is that? There are men my age would be in awe. "Yeah, I got this 21, almost 22, year old who wants nothing from me except to hook up and have sex for hours. Kinda sucks, but you know how it goes.". Truthfully most people DON'T know how that goes. You can't go up to someone my age who has been married forever with kids at home and say "Yeah, I am tired of sportfucking. I really want to be back in a relationship that matters.". They stare at you with the look in incredulity like you just walked out of a time machine from 1900. The words don't make any sense to them.
Well they do to me. I don't want to sport fuck any more. Hell I don't even want to fuck any more. Is it so wrong that I just want someone to SHARE experiences with right now? And I am not saying I want to sit on the couch and cuddle or any bullshit like that. I still want to live my life and have fun, I have just reached the breaking point of doing it ALONE.
I guess I should mention what brought all this on. This vomiting of words. This spewing. Sorry I had to take a break to make the kid's breakfast as promised. At least she is proud of me. I didn't break my promise. I was home early, up early, and delivered on the promised breakfast meal. I can make someone happy at least.
Anyway last night was our cast birthday party. 17 years the cast has officially been in existence in one form or another. Not everyone obviously been on there for 17 years. I think the longest running are our directors at 15 years.
I go to the pub where the party is at and I really didn't want to go because I knew what was going to happen but there supposed to be people there for whom I have Christmas presents. Of course all of them bailed. Great. Had I known I would have begged off. Whatever. I wasn't drinking. I wasn't talking because I just didn't want to have any contact with people. Because as I look around the room everyone is happy and engaged with each other. I didn't belong. Once again. I didn't fit in. I wasn't there with anyone. I wasn't going home with anyone. Alone and isolated as usual. So I stayed to myself and left without any fanfare. I could have tried to be more engaging but the simple truth is I didn't want to be engaged. I wanted the isolation. It felt right. It felt like what I deserve. Explain all that to someone when they ask "What's wrong?".
The day yesterday was okay. The kid worked. I went grocery shopping in the morning. Got $260 worth of groceries for $190. Some smart shopping. Some digital coupon use. I hate coupons, but if I can go to a website and assign coupons to my frequent shopper card, fine. I will do that. Saved an extra 10% off my bill by doing that. Stopped at the dollar store for stocking stuffers. Boring basic shit but needed to get done shit too.
Hung out and relaxed until the kid got home then headed to the party. That was my day. That is my mindset. I have turned off all facebook chats today because I just don't want to deal with SG. I am at the point where I am going to snap with her and I don't want to be an asshole. It's best if I avoid rather than confront right now. Just for now.
My back hurts. I need to go soak it today.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Y4 D198
I went out last night and shook my funk off a little. I didn't let things get out of hand or too crazy though. I managed to enjoy myself without overdoing it or being home at a crazy time, etc. I taught in the morning. If you can call being up at 3:30am morning. Class started at 5, finished at about 12:50. Class went really well and I got some great feedback at the end. One student said in front of everyone:
"You did an excellent job on the pace and presenting the materials. I have been to many classes where they try to teach too much too quickly and you end up feeling like you missed something. You gave us just the right amount where we can take this away and actually start leveraging the information in a productive way."
That's pretty damn good feedback. I was happy about that. Took a little nap after class for about 45 minutes. The kid had a date in the city and I decided to do some Christmas shopping for friends and meet one of my friends for dinner in the city. We left here around 3 and headed to the train station. She got off before I did and we agreed whoever left the city first could take the car home, we just needed to text each other.
I got to my destination around 4, did my shopping, and headed to my friend's place around 5. She wasn't there so I hung out with her boyfriend for a while. She got home around 6:30 and we went out for Indian food. Not bad. It was pretty tasty without being over the top. After that we popped into the bar around the corner from her place. We talked, had a few drinks, and I was back on the 10:30 train home. Okay. Well done. I didn't get stupid drunk, I didn't pass out on their couch for once, and I got home by about 11:45. It was a nice night out and helped shake the cobwebs from my head.
I am still not 100%, but I am at least amongst the living. Tonight is a cast party and I am not sure how I am going to feel about going. We shall see.
"You did an excellent job on the pace and presenting the materials. I have been to many classes where they try to teach too much too quickly and you end up feeling like you missed something. You gave us just the right amount where we can take this away and actually start leveraging the information in a productive way."
That's pretty damn good feedback. I was happy about that. Took a little nap after class for about 45 minutes. The kid had a date in the city and I decided to do some Christmas shopping for friends and meet one of my friends for dinner in the city. We left here around 3 and headed to the train station. She got off before I did and we agreed whoever left the city first could take the car home, we just needed to text each other.
I got to my destination around 4, did my shopping, and headed to my friend's place around 5. She wasn't there so I hung out with her boyfriend for a while. She got home around 6:30 and we went out for Indian food. Not bad. It was pretty tasty without being over the top. After that we popped into the bar around the corner from her place. We talked, had a few drinks, and I was back on the 10:30 train home. Okay. Well done. I didn't get stupid drunk, I didn't pass out on their couch for once, and I got home by about 11:45. It was a nice night out and helped shake the cobwebs from my head.
I am still not 100%, but I am at least amongst the living. Tonight is a cast party and I am not sure how I am going to feel about going. We shall see.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Y4 D197
3:39am. I have seen this time of the morning more than most people ever will. Whether for business or pleasure. I am a creature of the dawn. Not the night, not the day, but the dawn. The early morning hours in between. Like me - in between. Never quite fitting in one place or another. Always hovering on the edge. The dawn and I understand each other. It's quiet, lonely, and cold.
Taught yesterday from 5-1. Napped until 2. Worked on another project until 5. Ate, watched Firefly with the kid, went to bed.
Nothing else.
Taught yesterday from 5-1. Napped until 2. Worked on another project until 5. Ate, watched Firefly with the kid, went to bed.
Nothing else.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Y4 D196
This is way too early in the morning for a person to be up. And to be working. It's one thing when I am up at this time because I am having sex or coming home from a show. But to intentionally be up at 3:30 in the morning is fucking insane.
I was supposed to work yesterday morning but the call didn't come through until almost 2:30 in the afternoon. I then had to work while cooking dinner and while trying to get to bed at a decent time to be up this early. Yeah that didn't work. I didn't go to bed until 10 and then couldn't sleep until 11:30 and then I woke up at 2. I managed to fall back to sleep from 2:30 until 3:30 but it still sucked ass.
The kid had her new friend over and we watched Firefly together. I feel guilty sometimes that this place is so small and I can't really offer a lot of privacy but then again she has a TV in her bedroom and can always go in there if she wants to be alone.
That in a nutshell is my life. It's been raining. My mood is still lousy. No one has called me, texted me, or even given two shits about my general welfare. My life. Yay me.
I was supposed to work yesterday morning but the call didn't come through until almost 2:30 in the afternoon. I then had to work while cooking dinner and while trying to get to bed at a decent time to be up this early. Yeah that didn't work. I didn't go to bed until 10 and then couldn't sleep until 11:30 and then I woke up at 2. I managed to fall back to sleep from 2:30 until 3:30 but it still sucked ass.
The kid had her new friend over and we watched Firefly together. I feel guilty sometimes that this place is so small and I can't really offer a lot of privacy but then again she has a TV in her bedroom and can always go in there if she wants to be alone.
That in a nutshell is my life. It's been raining. My mood is still lousy. No one has called me, texted me, or even given two shits about my general welfare. My life. Yay me.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Y4 D195
I am filled with an emptiness right now. Just a void. Almost apathy but not quite. It's a hollow feeling of loneliness, sadness, worthlessness, fear, and many more depressing adjectives. I can't shake it. Tis the season motherfucker.
The kid got bad news. She didn't get into the Disney program again. She is depressed about that but at the same time she now can finally move forward with the guy she has been seeing. She has been not allowing herself to get close in case she was moving. She also doesn't understand why she didn't get in again. There are 64,000 people who apply every year and they accept 8,000. Her and 55,999 other people won't get in this year. Perspective.
Me? I trained all day. Same thing all week. Didn't put on pants. No need. I think if you look in my laundry basket I have worn four things in the last 2 weeks. Scary.
Doesn't matter. It's not like anyone gives a shit or wants to see me anyway.
The kid got bad news. She didn't get into the Disney program again. She is depressed about that but at the same time she now can finally move forward with the guy she has been seeing. She has been not allowing herself to get close in case she was moving. She also doesn't understand why she didn't get in again. There are 64,000 people who apply every year and they accept 8,000. Her and 55,999 other people won't get in this year. Perspective.
Me? I trained all day. Same thing all week. Didn't put on pants. No need. I think if you look in my laundry basket I have worn four things in the last 2 weeks. Scary.
Doesn't matter. It's not like anyone gives a shit or wants to see me anyway.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Y4 D194
Meh. Whatever. That's how I am feeling right now. I have absolutely no motivation to get up in the morning and do anything. Unfortunately I am training this week and have to act perky. Class starts in 30 minutes. Spent the day training from 7-4:30 yesterday. Since it's a 'mentoring' gig, there's no real start/end time. Basically when the client is done for the day. Whee.
Made steak for dinner. Went to bed. That's my life.
Made steak for dinner. Went to bed. That's my life.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Y4 D193
Woke up at 3:20am this morning from a bad X2 dream. I don't want to talk about it though. It was the same old shit and isn't worth rehashing. I think it just falls in line with what I experienced yesterday and Saturday - that whole feeling of loneliness, despair, and feeling like everything is a mistake including me.
I didn't leave the house yesterday except to go to the grocery store. I was just going to get a couple of things but you know how that goes. $100 later I have groceries in the house for a week at least. Yay me. Whatever. It's not like I want to eat. I am too fucking fat as it is. I need to stop eating for a month. I was supposed to go to Disneyland on the 18th but I don't think I am going to go now. Nobody to go with me. And that's a lot of money to spend by myself. It's a $300 weekend before I buy shit. When there's four of us going it's ok - $75 per person is acceptable. But to drop $300 to go by myself just to see Molly Ringwald? Fuck that. I can order 100 pins on line and get at least 50 new ones for $70. Oh look, same goal achieved. What I think I *might* do is go to the city and go to the big Disney store. I was going to buy a couple of people Disney gifts for Christmas so I can get a lot of the same things there. I don't know. I really want to go though. Fuck. Indecisive much? Story of my life. I want to do things but there's no point or fun in doing them alone, now is there?
I am training this week. Today and tomorrow 7-3, Thursday and Friday 5-1 then the same on Monday. The 7-3 isn't so bad, but the 5-1 is going to kill me.
I was going to type something else, but screw it.
I didn't leave the house yesterday except to go to the grocery store. I was just going to get a couple of things but you know how that goes. $100 later I have groceries in the house for a week at least. Yay me. Whatever. It's not like I want to eat. I am too fucking fat as it is. I need to stop eating for a month. I was supposed to go to Disneyland on the 18th but I don't think I am going to go now. Nobody to go with me. And that's a lot of money to spend by myself. It's a $300 weekend before I buy shit. When there's four of us going it's ok - $75 per person is acceptable. But to drop $300 to go by myself just to see Molly Ringwald? Fuck that. I can order 100 pins on line and get at least 50 new ones for $70. Oh look, same goal achieved. What I think I *might* do is go to the city and go to the big Disney store. I was going to buy a couple of people Disney gifts for Christmas so I can get a lot of the same things there. I don't know. I really want to go though. Fuck. Indecisive much? Story of my life. I want to do things but there's no point or fun in doing them alone, now is there?
I am training this week. Today and tomorrow 7-3, Thursday and Friday 5-1 then the same on Monday. The 7-3 isn't so bad, but the 5-1 is going to kill me.
I was going to type something else, but screw it.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Y4 D192
Last night about halfway through the show I was just hit with this overwhelming sadness. I was fine up until that point and then BAM, just felt so alone, old, unwanted, and an outsider. It just hit me. I don't know if it was the audience, or the realization that even though I was around people, I don't have anyone. I know have the kid and 'friends', but I don't have anyone. It just enveloped me in this feeling of complete darkness. The show ended, I packed things up, didn't say a word to anyone and just went home. It was all I could do from breaking down right there at the theater.
Which really sucks because I had a nice day yesterday. I did some Christmas shopping with the kid at the mall. We had a really nice lunch at this mexican place I haven't been to in years. That in itself is a shame because because the food there is REAL Mexican and Latin American food and I had forgotten how good it is. I had rellenos in nogada - chile rellenos in a walnut cream sauce topped with pomegranate seeds. One of my favorite dishes anywhere. I was having such a good day. Got a new Christmas hat with antlers.
Then my mind. You're worthless. You're alone. No one wants you around. No one cares. You don't belong. Go home. Go be alone and stop bugging people. Go now. Go.
And that's where my head is at right now...
Which really sucks because I had a nice day yesterday. I did some Christmas shopping with the kid at the mall. We had a really nice lunch at this mexican place I haven't been to in years. That in itself is a shame because because the food there is REAL Mexican and Latin American food and I had forgotten how good it is. I had rellenos in nogada - chile rellenos in a walnut cream sauce topped with pomegranate seeds. One of my favorite dishes anywhere. I was having such a good day. Got a new Christmas hat with antlers.
Then my mind. You're worthless. You're alone. No one wants you around. No one cares. You don't belong. Go home. Go be alone and stop bugging people. Go now. Go.
And that's where my head is at right now...
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Y4 D191
Hey look! IT'S FINALLY DECEMBER! Dear sweet jesus it took long enough to get here. And I left the house last night! Whoooo!
Okay, I went to the tea shop and target, but still, I put on pants!
And I finally shaved. Oh the excitement just continues.
Worked during the day. Had our company quarterly meeting and there were two slides dedicated to positive feedback from our customers about me. That felt pretty good. Around 2 I went and picked the kid up at work and we wandered around the mall for a little while. Her XBF douchebag was coming over last night as they needed to go shopping for show stuff.
When he came over I went out. I didn't want to be around them. While I was out I texted a friend I haven't seen in a while and she came over and hung out with me. That was nice. Some social interaction. We watched two episodes of always sunny and are finally caught up on the show. The most current episode was pretty damn amusing.
We then proceeded to drink and just talk about nothing in particular. At midnight we decided to do a taco bell run. That was fun too.
All in all, nothing exciting, nothing bad, a decent day. One more day I made it through.
Okay, I went to the tea shop and target, but still, I put on pants!
And I finally shaved. Oh the excitement just continues.
Worked during the day. Had our company quarterly meeting and there were two slides dedicated to positive feedback from our customers about me. That felt pretty good. Around 2 I went and picked the kid up at work and we wandered around the mall for a little while. Her XBF douchebag was coming over last night as they needed to go shopping for show stuff.
When he came over I went out. I didn't want to be around them. While I was out I texted a friend I haven't seen in a while and she came over and hung out with me. That was nice. Some social interaction. We watched two episodes of always sunny and are finally caught up on the show. The most current episode was pretty damn amusing.
We then proceeded to drink and just talk about nothing in particular. At midnight we decided to do a taco bell run. That was fun too.
All in all, nothing exciting, nothing bad, a decent day. One more day I made it through.
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