Y4 D200

A few things about yesterday's post:

1. I am anything BUT apathetic about my situation. I spend most of my time thinking about it and how I can change it, where I can change, what parts I have to learn to accept, what parts are decision versus nature, and every other aspect of it.

2. I wish I could go to one on one counseling. Unfortunately my insurance only covers group. If I want personal counseling I have to pay anywhere from $100-$150 a session out of pocket. I don't qualify for shit because I 'make too much money' according to the rules. Now, I am switching insurance carriers 1/1 and who knows, maybe then I will have some mental health insurance that's worth a damn.

3. I won't take meds. Sorry, but I won't. I have been down that path before and I don't like it. I don't like who I am, what they do to me, and the fact that I am dependent on a PILL to MASK what's wrong with me instead of fixing it. Look at Larry Flynt - he was on so many drugs every day to mask the pain he was experiencing and he hated it. When he had the choice to have surgery to be out of pain that would essentially put him in a wheelchair for the rest of his life, he chose that. FIX me, don't hide the issue. I am with him. I would suffer through EST if it fixed the problem before taking a fucking pill.

4. I know that in part my issues are self-inflicted and temporary. They are a result of choices both made and thrust upon me and are situational. Don't forget all the things I have been going through have only been since May of 2009. Less than four years. In that time I have dealt with more shit than most people deal with their entire lives. The fact that I am still walking and functioning is a testimony to the strength of my character. When the dust settles, I am a bad motherfucker. I bounce where other people crumble. It also means that sometimes I just need to fucking vent okay? I need to get all these things OUT before they explode inside.

Like yesterday for example - I turned off my phone and all chats. Why? Because I didn't want to explode on anyone. They don't deserve it. It's my head and I don't get to puke it on them. Here I can puke. On them, no.

There are other things I have come to terms with too. I have given up the romance of finding someone. I won't settle though either. Hence, I must accept that I am probably going to be alone for a long time. It is what it is. I also know that once the kid is out, I will have more options open to me and I will be able to change some of the things eating at me right now. I am a create of wanderlust, I know this. I need to be seeing and doing. Part of the problem is I have been home for WEEKS and seeing the same four walls gets to me. I need to GO somewhere. Which is why I was more upset than I should have been about not going to Disneyland next week. I was hoping for that catharsis of being out of town. I should be back on the road in January which will help.

So there you go.

Waited for the kid to get home from work yesterday and then we went Christmas shopping. I spent $3 at the bar Saturday night and decided to spend what I would have normally spent on Christmas toys for us. Yes, toys. We went to Toys R Us and bought $50 worth of dumb gifts. Made us both happy.

Came home, made dinner, went to bed at 7:30. Today is another up at 3:15 days. Done at 1.