Y4 D218

Kind of broke down when I went to bed last night. I think it was just the day catching up to me. A flood of emotions came over me when I finally got into bed around 12:30. Very sad all of a sudden and found myself crying for a few minutes. I do think it was just a wave of emotion coupled with exhaustion.

Allow me to elaborate. I slept in yesterday until about 7:30. That in of itself felt good. Let me say, I had a good day yesterday, just a bit overwhelming. Anyway, I started in on my cleaning project. Some people like to do spring cleaning, I wanted to do an end of year cleaning. Also for at least two years I have been putting off going through both of my hall closets because I knew it would be a major task. It was. I started in by emptying them out and organizing books, DVDs, music, and games. The easy stuff. At that point I drove the kid to the train station as she was spending the day with NBF. I got back about 12:30 and kept on going. Around 2 a friend came over to pick up the white leather couch I had. I have been wanting to get rid of it, but didn't want to charge someone for it, nor did I want it going in the trash. My friends just moved into a new apartment and this was the perfect transition for the couch. It is going to good people and I was able to give them a gift. Everyone wins. That helped me because now I can move forward with my plan of rearranging my room. I was able to get a chair in my room out and now have room for a small desk or table in my room. Back to the closets. The hardest part and the part I had been avoiding was going through all the boxes of 'memories'. I finally did it. I threw out 15 year old 'Happy Wedding Day' cards, old pictures, old greeting cards, old memories. Flush the past right away finally. Learn to swim. I didn't have any real emotion while I was doing it either. It just didn't do anything to me to see all these pics of X2 and her family or the souvenirs from past place. That was then, time to move forward. But it was a long process. I then started in on boxes that were in the kid's closet and mine. Same thing, time to through shit away. I ended up with six green bags of stuff when all was said and done. Old cables, boxes for devices I no longer have, CDs for computer programs that were 15-20 years old. Gone. I finished around 11 right about when the kid and NBF came home. I was very wound up unfortunately for them. I was hoping to be more relaxed when they got home and possibly already in bed, but I didn't even realize what time it was. Hence why I didn't get to bed until 12:30. I was just too up. I finally relaxed enough to get in bed but that's when the day hit me. It was just like woosh. All of the memories not just of X2, but my entire life and even TXGF came rushing at me and I just lost it for a few minutes. I am okay now, but it's hard to have your whole life thrust at you at once like that. Makes you think about everything.

Upside is my house is one step closer to being organized and clean. Really it's the organized part I am focused on. I want space. I want to clear out the past and the clutter. Open myself up for tomorrow and stop living in yesterday. I got one step nearer to that goal.

Now today I am taking a break from everything. I am taking the kid to work, then picking up a friend and we are going shopping. Then since they are about 20 miles away, I am going back to their house. We are having a holiday/birthday get together for a mutual friend at their place at 7, so it just makes sense to hang out with them during the day then drive back and forth. The kid is going to take the train down when she gets of work and we are going to have a fun night. I am bringing over my little chocolate fountain and pie maker. I need a break from being in the house. I am also picking up shelves for my Disney gifts and a small desk/table for my room. This way I can spend tomorrow finalizing all the cleaning.

I have to admit, overall I feel good. I feel like I lifted a burden. The more and more I move forward on these types of things, the more I let myself be free of things weighing me down to the past. I am able to love myself more and this opens me up for really having a good relationship in the future. I once wrote in here that by 2015 I should have my shit together. At the time that seemed so far. Now it's just two years. I can make it two years because I do feel still on track to that.