Last night about halfway through the show I was just hit with this overwhelming sadness. I was fine up until that point and then BAM, just felt so alone, old, unwanted, and an outsider. It just hit me. I don't know if it was the audience, or the realization that even though I was around people, I don't have anyone. I know have the kid and 'friends', but I don't have anyone. It just enveloped me in this feeling of complete darkness. The show ended, I packed things up, didn't say a word to anyone and just went home. It was all I could do from breaking down right there at the theater.
Which really sucks because I had a nice day yesterday. I did some Christmas shopping with the kid at the mall. We had a really nice lunch at this mexican place I haven't been to in years. That in itself is a shame because because the food there is REAL Mexican and Latin American food and I had forgotten how good it is. I had rellenos in nogada - chile rellenos in a walnut cream sauce topped with pomegranate seeds. One of my favorite dishes anywhere. I was having such a good day. Got a new Christmas hat with antlers.
Then my mind. You're worthless. You're alone. No one wants you around. No one cares. You don't belong. Go home. Go be alone and stop bugging people. Go now. Go.
And that's where my head is at right now...
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