Y4 D199

One of the hardest questions for me to answer for people is "Are you okay?" or "What's wrong?". Because the real answer would go something like this:

"Nothing. Everything. I don't know? My life? My lack of a emotional and physical intimacy with someone I actually care about? My financial outlook for the future? My job satisfaction? My overall life satisfaction? My body image? My mental image? The fact that I am getting older and have nothing to show for it and will leave behind anything but a beautiful corpse? That I hate everyone and yet love everyone at the same time? I don't know how to answer your question because truthfully I don't know what's wrong other than I feel hollow, empty, lonely, and want to give up. But hey, thanks for asking."

Yeah, no one wants to hear that. So you say "I'm fine." or "Nothing, just tired.". When in reality you want to climb to the top of the tallest building and scream at the world to wake up and then jump off feeling for once in your life that you are truly free.

I ate 170 calories yesterday. Four triscuits, 2.5 diet rockstars. I wasn't hungry at all. I'm still not. And yes, I am up at 5:30 on a Sunday. Not because I had a show last night. No, I was in bed by 11. Instead I decided to be a nice guy and get up and cook breakfast for the kid before she has to go off to work. She has to work at 7 and I want her to have energy and be in a good mood. One of us should be in this house at least.

On the way home from the party I went to last night I was listening to the USB drive I have in the car. 700+ songs set on random. Closer came on. At first I started thinking about how it reflects the relationship I have with SG but then I realized it's HER version of our 'relationship'. She's the one who needs to pretend to be someone else. She's the one who needs someone to make her perfect. I can't take her fucking narcissism right now. I don't have anything of myself left to give to her. She wants to get together now that she is back in town but I just can't do it. I can't bring myself to be with her. How fucking sad is that? There are men my age would be in awe. "Yeah, I got this 21, almost 22, year old who wants nothing from me except to hook up and have sex for hours. Kinda sucks, but you know how it goes.". Truthfully most people DON'T know how that goes. You can't go up to someone my age who has been married forever with kids at home and say "Yeah, I am tired of sportfucking. I really want to be back in a relationship that matters.". They stare at you with the look in incredulity like you just walked out of a time machine from 1900. The words don't make any sense to them.

Well they do to me. I don't want to sport fuck any more. Hell I don't even want to fuck any more. Is it so wrong that I just want someone to SHARE experiences with right now? And I am not saying I want to sit on the couch and cuddle or any bullshit like that. I still want to live my life and have fun, I have just reached the breaking point of doing it ALONE.

I guess I should mention what brought all this on. This vomiting of words. This spewing. Sorry I had to take a break to make the kid's breakfast as promised. At least she is proud of me. I didn't break my promise. I was home early, up early, and delivered on the promised breakfast meal. I can make someone happy at least.

Anyway last night was our cast birthday party. 17 years the cast has officially been in existence in one form or another. Not everyone obviously been on there for 17 years. I think the longest running are our directors at 15 years.

I go to the pub where the party is at and I really didn't want to go because I knew what was going to happen but there supposed to be people there for whom I have Christmas presents. Of course all of them bailed. Great. Had I known I would have begged off. Whatever. I wasn't drinking. I wasn't talking because I just didn't want to have any contact with people. Because as I look around the room everyone is happy and engaged with each other. I didn't belong. Once again. I didn't fit in. I wasn't there with anyone. I wasn't going home with anyone. Alone and isolated as usual. So I stayed to myself and left without any fanfare. I could have tried to be more engaging but the simple truth is I didn't want to be engaged. I wanted the isolation. It felt right. It felt like what I deserve. Explain all that to someone when they ask "What's wrong?".

The day yesterday was okay. The kid worked. I went grocery shopping in the morning. Got $260 worth of groceries for $190. Some smart shopping. Some digital coupon use. I hate coupons, but if I can go to a website and assign coupons to my frequent shopper card, fine. I will do that. Saved an extra 10% off my bill by doing that. Stopped at the dollar store for stocking stuffers. Boring basic shit but needed to get done shit too.

Hung out and relaxed until the kid got home then headed to the party. That was my day. That is my mindset. I have turned off all facebook chats today because I just don't want to deal with SG. I am at the point where I am going to snap with her and I don't want to be an asshole. It's best if I avoid rather than confront right now. Just for now.

My back hurts. I need to go soak it today.