Y4 D280

I didn't sleep well last night. Not that I slept bad when I slept, it's just that my sleep was very disturbed last night. I went to bed a little before 11 and awoke at 12am thinking it was five but knowing it definitely wasn't five. Tossed and turned, woke up at 2, woke up again at 3, and then again at 6. Just a restless night.

Highlights from yesterday... Class was fine. Long grueling day in terms of material, but not a bad day. We got stuff done, we got through the material, and everyone learned something. From that aspect everything was fine. It's just it was tough material yesterday and it weighs down. Got back to the hotel around 6:30, had a drink and a burger and was in the room by 8. Watched HIMYM. I am all caught up to the current episode. I like taking stuff like that on the road with me. Gets me all caught up in one fell swoop. I am saving BBT for MO. I should have almost the entire season by then.

B had a rough night last night. We talked on the phone for about an hour. I actually admitted something to her that (not counting all of you because I am now typing it here which means you will know too) I have admitted to anyone. The last three days she has been staying with her godmother because she had throat surgery and needed someone around the house. This has been rough because her godmother is also her ex-fiance's mother. It's like constant barrage of memories. Last night they went and ran some errands which included swinging by his house. That was rough on her. Not that she wants him, but that  it brings up all the memories that she has tried to close the door on. But when things get thrown at you it hurts. She was trying to explain all this and I stopped her because I know exactly what she means. People always ask me why I don't go to DisneyWorld. I always have some scripted polite answer about how I feel it's too big, too crowded, etc. Truth is? Going to DisneyWorld has been one of my dreams since I was like 12 years old. BUT I won't go now. Because it's in FL. And being in FL no matter how remote the chances are of running into her, puts me too near X2's proximity. I know it is completely irrational but being in FL would just have me seeing her on every corner, in every restaurant, etc. I can't handle that. So yeah, I know exactly what she means. You take different routes home because you don't want to pass that one restaurant the two of you ate it. You avoid movies with certain actors because of that time you saw that great movie together. You avoid entire states... I get it.

That did make her feel better. Made her feel a little less irrational about the whole thing. Calmed her down too. Maybe some day I can lose the irrational part but until then, FL? FL isn't a real state...

Y4 D279

I am loathe to admit it but I think I finally need reading glasses. Looking at tiny little phone screens has destroyed my eyes. I spent most of the day with a headache and it wasn't because of booze. It was eye strain. After my share of booze related headaches I can tell the difference. I might have to stop at Walgreens tonight and pick up some cheap ass reading glasses. Sad. Old man in the house.

Taught day one yesterday. Went well, no problems. No server issues. I had five in the room and 5 on the phone. Class went from about 8:30 to 5. After class I had to stop at both Walmart and Target because I needed an umbrella, a hat, and a scarf. Why? Because it's fucking snowing here. Not cool weather, not cool.

Got back to the hotel and ended up at the bar again. The food here is actually pretty damn tasty for a bar. I might go elsewhere tonight, but I always don't want to drive in snow. The bar here is lively, the bartender knows everyone's name, etc. I have found what I believe to be the Cheers of Hilton Garden Inns. Seriously.

Got up to the room around nine. Talked to B throughout the day and night. Went to bed around 11. Good day overall.

Y4 D278

Who has two thumbs and is hungover on a Tuesday morning? That's right, this guy. Ugh. I was hoping to not have much to post this morning but things don't always work out the way I want. The MAJORITY of the day was uneventful - 4am, airport, 6am fly to Dallas, 4pm leave Dallas and hour late, 6:30 land in PA. 7:30 hit hotel.

Should have ended there. Yeah no. Found my way to the hotel bar and got into a very long discussion with a drunk woman and her co-worker. That was fun. They opened a $200 bottle of wine and the next thing I know it's 10:30. She wanted to go to my room but I am not that guy. Sorry. I have a woman. A woman I love very much. But I had fun.

I did fuck up and forget two things - a contact case and a toothbrush. I used two glasses for my contacts and my finger for a toothbrush. Sigh. Functional, that's me. I need advil and food.

Y4 D277

Whee 3am. A travel day. Off to the airport in less than an hour. Spending the week in PA. I wonder what the temp is there right now...

Whopping high of 40 today. Snow on Thursday and Friday. Lucky me. Rain tomorrow and Wednesday. Why don't I get projects in Hawaii? Seriously.

I had a long checklist of things to do yesterday but managed to knock them all out by 2pm. Documents, work, packing, taxes, timesheets, even managed to finish my puzzle, glue it, and mount it on the wall. Talked with B all day. The kid stayed the night at KBF's and didn't get home until 7ish. A nice day all by myself. I enjoyed that aspect of it. I didn't stress or worry or have my house made a mess. I had forgotten how much I enjoy not having to deal with anyone else in the house. Selfish? Maybe. Don't care.

Managed to get into bed by 8:30 which is rare for me on one of these travel days. Okay, that's all. Airport time.

Y4 D276

I spent four hours cleaning this house yesterday. From top to botom. I started when I got up. They got up and left for the zoo. The kid knew I was pissed off at her. She quietly left. I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned some more. But damn if don't feel good up in here. They went to his house and then straight to the show which meant I had the whole house to myself all day.

I talked with B, worked a little, cleaned, almost finished my puzzle (it will be done today dammit), tried to sleep, failed at that, made a nice steak for dinner with sweet potato fries, spinach, and cottage cheese, and watched like 10 episodes of Batman.

Left for the show around 9. I was in a lousy mood when I got to the show, but it finally dissipated. Had a good show. It's nicer when everyone is sober. Managed to talk to B pretty much the whole show which is amazing as I lost two tech last minute due to illness. I had four of us but we pulled it off. Everyone was in a decent mood too. After the show my car wouldn't start again. It's been fine since the last show. I don't know what its issue is. That theater, that parking space. It's totally fine everywhere else (in theory. I haven't tried starting it today.). I wonder if that's correct punctuation. I worry about these things.

In bed at 3:30, woke up at 6 to check in for my flight, went back to sleep until 9:30. Happy Sunday time.

Y4 D275

Yesterday was a little stressful work-wise. I made some serious headway on the curriculum only to get told by the end of day that I have one week less to finish it than I thought I did. I ended up working until about 7 because of this. I will also probably need to work this weekend. I also got 90% confirmation on the 14 days in MO. Next month is going to suck balls and it starts Monday when I am in PA. One month of travel. I need a Disney trip. April. I can handle until April. Then not only do I get a Disney trip but I get B and Disney at the same time. Other than work not much else. I did some grocery shopping as it was way overdue.

Why can't the kid have common sense? Seriously. I was gone for five days yet somehow she never once cleaned out the fridge of leftovers? What did she eat while I was gone? What did she do? Ugh. Not worth it. Not going to stress over this.

After working I headed down to pick up props for the show tonight. Our regular guy can't drive the truck due to a religious holiday and I can't park the damn thing here since I am going out of town. So I had to load the truck full of stuff once more. On the way back I stopped at the hardware store and got a new showerhead. I got one with the dual setup - a removable plus fixed. With all the hair coloring going on in this house I don't know why I never did this before. But now I have one. I will test it out this morning and if I don't like I will return it.

Worked on my puzzle for a little while. B had some drama and I needed to stay awake for her. Her dad got hassled by the police last night. In their area the police are real assholes. They have an attitude and roughed him up in front of his kids. They are considering a law suit over it. I am not exaggerating either; they pulled him over and when he got out of the car they pushed him, yelled at him, verbally abused him, etc. All in front of B's sisters. He was totally freaked out when he got home and B needed to go over to his place because he had started drinking and they didn't want the girls around him. Her mom took the girls home and B stayed to make sure he was okay. Long night on their end.

Today is house cleaning day followed by a show followed by check in for my flight followed by....

Oh look, the idiots are awake.

Y4 D274

Nothing exciting yesterday. Miss B a lot. Like it's weird to be home now and not see her. A week ago I was with her and it was the most natural thing in the world. Now I am here and don't know what to do with myself. Her mother didn't respond to the last email I sent but she did talk to B about it. Basically tried to lie about some of the points I made. Her mother has one valid concern that while she didn't put it in the email, she did communicate it to B. Her concern is I have a 'B in every port'. Given how much I travel, that's fair. But if that were the case would I be open and honest about wanting to talk to her mother? No, I would be hiding and not saying anything. So while it's a valid concern, I think my actions have shown it's not a realistic concern in this case.

Worked, drove the kid, picked up the kid, made dinner, watched OUAT and Supernatural. Went to bed. A nice boring day.

Y4 D273

A real friend is someone you can talk to on the phone after two years and basically no time has passed. That happened yesterday and it was good. You're still a dumbass though. Just for the record.

Okay, busy day yesterday. First off B's mom's email. Sweet mother of god. Oh and she sent a second one later in the night. We'll get to that one in a minute. The first one was not too bad. It was more a concerned one and worried. Okay. Not too horrible, but enough to tell me she is never going to accept me. But at least in her first one she seemed a little open minded. Lot of references to God but I expected that.

Went to lunch with my boss yesterday. He on the other hand compared to B's mom is totally happy and excited for us. He offered even to use the company's resources to run a background check on me for her if it would help her feel better. I wish she was local so I could introduce her to my friends and co-workers. Then she could see the kind of person I am. I in part understand her concerns. BUT at the same time, she has already pre-judged me.

After lunch I did some work and then my friend came over at 5. We went out to get some food and booze. While we were out, email number 2 came through. This one needs a reply because it's mean. Straight up mean. How I am not part of God's plan for B. Oh really? You know god's plan? Cool. So you talk to him every day? Her email did EXACTLY what I knew she wouldn't want - push B straight to me. It's the standard I am going to do this anyway wether you like it or not situation. She showed her cards way too early in the game. She should have backed off instead of being aggressive. Because now I am going to retaliate. She accused us of 'sneeking'. Her grammar and spelling are atrocious. I want to reply and rip that up too but I won't. I will only reply to the pertinent points.

After the pub, I decided to stop at the pet store and add a new family member. WALL-E the ROBO HAMSTER! YAY!! He is so fluffy! And I got him the coolest house. He is awesome. During all of that, me and B skyped. She wanted to watch the setup of Wall-E. It was fun. Got into bed, skyped some more and was asleep by 11. Now I shall write a letter to the mother, work on docs, and enjoy my Thursday.

Y4 D272

Back home, alone. A full day back in my normal setting and it feels so empty. I taught from 7-3 yesterday which filled a good portion of the day. I kept having internet problems during the class which I attributed to my dying router. After class I said the hell with it and went to Best Buy and bought a new netgear dual band 600 router. The shit did hit the fan a little on B's side yesterday. Her mother who was originally calm about things exploded. She wants to run a background check on me. I am totally good with that. I have nothing to hide. Actually I would be curious to see what it says myself. After Best Buy I went to the pub because I needed to mull over her mother's insanity and frankly I wanted a burger and a drink so I could knock myself out and sleep. The kid dropped me off and ten minutes later called to tell me I had taken the house key and she couldn't get in. Come back I told her and when she did she came into the pub and said "screw it. I'm not going tonight order me food". Yes ma'am. We sat and ate and headed home around 7. Got home and I wrote a very long email to B's mother. I told her about me, my past, and why I was interested in her daughter. I let B read it first and offer edits before sending.

One thing I noticed while writing it was that if you go back and read this blog, while I was with XGF I was constantly second guessing our relationship. I was constantly coming down on myself for being with someone younger. I don't feel that with B. I don't know if it is her maturity level or if I really do feel like I found a partner or both. Probably both. All I know is when we were together I didn't feel like the old man with the young girl. I didn't feel guilty. I had no problem writing her mom. Matter of fact, I am extremely happy and proud of B for telling her mom at all. We are months away from things being solid and yet she is willing to suffer through any wrath or bad feelings that will be in that house until then. That's dedication and love. That's for sure.

I don't know where I am going with this. My head is a jumble today. I have work to do though and that will keep me focused. I need to focus.

Y4 D271

I am all out of sorts this morning. I am running on very little sleep. Back in PST, but all confused. Let me see if I can recall everything that happened yesterday as it was a lot. I will add time zones into this just to keep everything straight. I woke up at 12:30am EST with B coming back to the hotel. We talked and hung out until it was time for me to start class at 3am EST. Other than being extremely tired class went fine. It was about 7 persons in Spain, UK, and Germany. The material is straight forward for this class and there were no real surprises. After class was over at 11 EST I checked out of the hotel and me and B went out to get some lunch. We were both feeling a little sad because we knew in a few hours it would be over. This trip at least. We went to white castle for lunch then went into a couple of stores as she needed to find a birthday present for her mother. I loved how the whole time we were together we were accepted. No one ever gave us crap about the age difference. Plus at one store I was indirectly called her husband by a sales person. That made us both smile because we both caught it. Around 2 EST we headed to the airport. I didn't have to go through security until 4:30 EST but driving around the airport makes her nervous and we got there early just because. We found a cafe outside security and sat and relaxed. The tension was starting to build for both of us and she was teary eyed the whole time. When the time was close we got up and headed towards the security line. I pulled my hat off and gave it to her. That was it - the catalyst to let the waterworks flow. She just started crying like mad which made me tear up. It was a moment. It took everything in my power to not stay. OTHER THAN HOTEL COST there was NOTHING stopping me from staying. She told me she had been going through her entire contact list to see if there was some place I could stay because she knew too the only reason I was leaving was because of lodging. I mean seriously, I could have changed my flight in a heartbeat. I could have easily stayed and come home Friday, done the show, and then left for my next flight on Monday. Three more days with her. But it wasn't to be. My flight was delayed and I ended up not getting to Chicago until 7:30ish CST. Some good things that happened while I was waiting - got confirmation of my upgrade on my flight home from Chicago. Score. While we were chatting she asked if I started reading the book she had put in my luggage for me. I had finished my other book and she gave me one to borrow. Inside was a note that said "Hey, I love you" on one side and on the other "I wish you didn't have to leave". ARGH. That made it even harder to sit there. Got on my flight home at 7:45 CST and was on the ground 11pm PST. As you can see if you add all that up, I was up for about 26 hours straight. And it's 5:45am PST and I have had about 4 hours of sleep. In the last 2-3 days, I have had less than 8 hours of sleep. I didn't sleep on the plane because I didn't want to throw myself off when I got home.

One thing that did happen while I was between Detroit and Chicago was on her side. When I landed I had a message waiting. She told her mother. She came out clean, told her everything. Let's see the aftermath of that today. According to her, her mom was calm and relaxed but wary of me and my intentions. That's fair and understandable.

End of the story? I love her. I miss her. I can't wait until she is here. The next time I see her will probably be March 13. A little over three weeks. I don't know if I can make it. I just want to send her a ticket right now but we all know it has to happen right.

Time to teach again. Then maybe I can sleep.

Y4 D270

Quick post. I am in the middle of teaching a class and only a have minutes. Class started at 3am because it is for Europe.

Okay Day 4 with B - started with morning sex. Finally all the pieces truly clicked and we both were in sync with our timing. That made us both happy. We both were able to enjoy the moment. I finally relaxed enough. That means a lot to me. More than she knows or maybe she does. I think she might have a good idea on it.

We stayed in the hotel because afterwards we both fell back to sleep for a while. Finally got up and showered, then talked for an hour or two about things we expect from a relationship later on down the road - finances, bills, debt - important shit.

She headed home finally as her family hasn't seen in her three days. After she went off to work. I needed to get some sleep because of this class but unfortunately couldn't sleep until 9. She came back after work at about 12:30am to wake me up. Thank goodness she did. So yes, I am teaching this class on a whopping 3.5 hours of sleep. I will elaborate more how well that is going tomorrow.

Important part? This could be it. This could be the woman and life change I have needed. Good emotional compatibility, solid mental connection, agreement on both the little things AND the big things, and PHYSICAL compatibility. Everything in place. Now let's execute this fucker...

Y4 D269

Day 3 of being together hits it out of the park. We got up and showered together which was nice. We both agree we hate the shower in this room. As fart as the hotel goes it can suck my balls. I am not a fan of the hotel. I should have just sucked it up and paid the extra money for my regular level of hotel. I am planning on sending the parent of this company an email when I get home this week that there is no way I would ever stay at one of their properties again. Sorry, not going to happen. After showering we went and she showed me around. We went to PF Chang's for lunch because it is one of her favorite places. We got into a very interesting discussion about how in this area that is considered one of the 'nice places'. It always strikes me the difference in socio-economic classes between where I live and the rest of the country. Plus the difference in the number of places that are available as options. I understand why people eat at certain places and shop at certain places in parts like this because they really don't have the same number of options available to them. To exemplify my point, I pulled up on my phone where I used to work in the city. From that address I did a search for 'restaurant'. When I showed her the immense number of options available she was amazed. There were HUNDREDS of little tiny dots versus the less than a dozen when I did the same search from where we were sitting. It's a matter of choice. We then went into the pet store where we looked at the kitties and the hamsters. I have been wanting a robo dwarf hamster (yes because I need yet another creature in the house) and after watching them she is in full agreement.

To be honest we didn't do a whole lot yesterday except just be together. This is kind of what I wanted. I didn't want a scheduled time where she showed be the best of her city AND especially the best of herself. I wanted to see her and be with her in every day normal situations to see how we do. It's one thing to be with someone and it be 'vacation' where things are more likely to go right than it is just going grocery shopping. The long round about point I am trying to make is that once more everything felt natural and right. Nothing felt forced or as if we were trying to impress the other. I can tell a difference in me when I am around her compared to when I have just been dating someone. I don't feel the need to brag or talk about the things I own or the places I have been. No, our conversations have frankly been about the mundane. Yet, we still have this playfulness and attraction to each other that was definitely in the air and felt throughout the day.

When we got back to the room she needed to start getting ready for work. I just kind of stayed out of her way. When she was done we had a long talk about 'what next'. Neither of us are looking to rush this. We cannot let three days of compatibility dictate a longer term decision. The plan then is for me to see her again when I come back out here for work in about 3 weeks. Then in April we will meet and go to Disneyland together. In May she will come up to me and spend 3-4 days in my house. She wants to go to a show and meet everyone. She wants to see MY world like I have seen hers. She wants to see how I function in my element. If after all that we still feel this connection then we start planning logistics in June and move her in July. Yes, I am probably repeating myself on this time line and plan but it is solidifying and I have to force myself to not accelerate it just for the sake of my own happiness. We will have plenty of time. But we also talked about concerns - the what if stuff. What if she comes out and a year later it doesn't work? She is afraid of having to come back home and look like a failure. I explained that she will have spent a year in a whole new world and even if god forbid it didn't work for us, she would be a different person and probably not want to come back to this life. She understood that but still has concerns about picking up her life.

One thing that is truly different about us is that for me I have had to pick up and start over so many times that I can do it. I travel enough that being in new places phases me less than it does her. I can be in a different city every week and not think twice about it. This is huge for her. Her field of study was journalism. I keep telling her she shouldn't be here for that anyway. She gets it, but yeah, this is some scary shit. That's why we have to force ourselves to take it slow.

Before she left for work without me knowing what she was doing, she ordered a pizza and cheesy bread to be delivered to the hotel room about 30 minutes before she would be back. She did that without any prompting or input from me. She paid for it, handled it, etc.

While she was gone I talked to my sister about all this. I needed to talk to someone close to me to make sure they help me keep reality in check. She agrees that if we don't take this chance regardless of how scary or huge it is, we are both idiots. I then walked over to the target that is near my hotel. I found these little heartlights, a scrabble board, and a card and when she came in from work I had the entire room decorated with the lights and balloons. Welcome to second valentine's day baby. Aaaaand cue the waterworks. Yeah, I am awesome. We ended up eating pizza, playing scrabble, and just enjoying each other's company until about 2:30am.

Yeah. I am happy.

Y4 D268

We have less than 100 days left in this particular year of writing. Is it possible that we may need a new url in 98 days? I started thinking about this last night. I started thinking about 'ournewlife' or 'mylifebeginsanew'. Because after yesterday my life is going to do anything but 'continue on' as the name of this current site implies. No, it is finally beginning. Only took four years of pain to come out on the other side. If you're going through hell and all that. It hit us both last night that this is it. That BOTH of our lives are actually starting. We talked a LOT yesterday. About future things, about past things, about everything in between.

Start at the beginning and stop when you reach the end buddy boy...

Got up around 7 for an 8am conference call. I am still talking working here people. This isn't a vacation. Hell I have to teach a class starting at 3am on Monday morning. Yeah 3-11 from the hotel room. Won't that be fun.  The call went well. VERY well as a matter of fact. This was with the potential new client that the sales guys have been trying for over a year and a half to get into. At the end of the call we decided that at the end of March I need to be onsite with them for at least two weeks solid. This will include an over the weekend stay. Hello another year of elite status at Hilton. Seriously it will be a full 14 nights stayed if this contract comes through. Add to that Ohio which was confirmed last night and PA which happens on the 25th, I should have 25 nights in the bag before the end of March. 25 nights a quarter? Yeah, I am hitting Diamond this year.

Got off the call and we went out to get some breakfast. She took me to a place she has been going to since as she put 'was still in the womb'. I had pie for breakfast. Definite Dean Winchester moment. After that we headed off to the mall where there is a Disney store. She needed to return some boots from Christmas still as well. The reason she hadn't returned them yet was because it turns out this mall is not close. Took us a good 45 minutes to get out there. That was with no traffic. But it was all good because we talked. We talked about - god, I don't even remember it was so much. I do remember one thing that was a clear theme yesterday and it's that I am a lousy passenger. Self admitted. I hate being a passenger.

Got to the mall and took care of her boot issue. Found the Disney store and unfortunately no pins. Sad panda. I was hoping to find a "Detroit" pin but no luck. We decided to hit the 'nice mall' as she put it on the way back because they have a Build a Bear. When we got there I realized that this was more my caliber of mall. The first one was okay, but it was too middle class for me to be honest. The second one? Yeah, it had a Neiman. I made her play in my world for a little while. She was frank about the fact that she felt very out of place at this mall in part. It's one of those where it's divided and people call it the normal mall on one side and the rich people mall on the other. I call it normal stores on that side - Restoration Hardware, Free People, Mui Mui, Herve, Neiman, etc. Stores I am used to being around. We sat at the counter at Neiman and had a light afternoon dessert (chocolate cartier for me, carrot cake for her) and I had an afternoon cocktail with my dessert. I could tell she was feeling out of place but I made her stick with it. After the cafe we went down to menswear so she could start to learn my style and vice versa. That was my underlying motive in going shopping too. I want to see what kind of style she has, what she finds wearable, etc. When the salesperson introduced himself and ran off to get us water she looked at me and said 'wait, they give you water just for walking around for free?'. Um yes? It's Neiman? But that told me some things about her.

Afterwards we hit the normal mall where she felt more comfortable. We ended up building a bear for her to have while I am gone. Howie the Bear. Howie from BBT. He even has a little comic book style t-shirt on. We had some soup at this place called Zoup which she swears by. It wasn't bad.

It took us almost an hour to get back because by this point it was 5 and we hit right in the middle of Friday night traffic. We got back to the hotel and she wanted to rest a bit. I had ended up sleeping in the car for 20 minutes and I was fine. I told her to sleep it was not a big deal. I watched an episode of Justified and did some work. Speaking of that, one of my bosses called me and we had about a half hour discussion as a follow up to the morning call. AND we talked about my upcoming trips and how they are screwing up two potential Disneyland weekends. End result, I am getting a company covered Disneyland trip in April. Which I am flying B out for as we both agreed yesterday that she needs to be in Disneyland with me to determine try compatibility.

Around 9:30 we headed out to the 'Rusty Bucket Tavern'. She had never been there. We started driving and at one point I just did 'pubs' on my phone. 19 reviews, all positive. We both agreed. We shared some ribs, she had a couple ciders, I had a couple drinks and around 11ish we headed back to the room. Yes, sex ensued. Damn good sex too. This girl can really move. I am afraid to look at my back this morning. Didn't have quite the same success as the previous night on my end, but it's okay. It's my issue. I will say my body is MUCH more comfortable with B than it ever was with SG and almost as comfortable as with XGF.

Now for the obvious thinkers - Yes, I get it. I see the similarities between B and X2. Young (when we met), naive, middle class lifestyle. No, I won't break another angel. I have my back to remind me of that. But I can open her eyes. NO ONE whomever plays in my world no matter for how long is left undamaged, untouched, unchanged. I also get how even with all that happiness above, the beast lurks below the surface. I still believe I cannot be saved. Nothing has changed in the deep corners of the pit. But at least the pit has retreated. The pit is getting smaller day by day. I can handle this for a decade or two without question.

Y4 D267

My life has changed forever. You ever meet someone and feel like you have known them for 1000 years? Like everything fits and everything works without even trying? That thee is no awkwardness and you're just comfortable from the start? That was yesterday the minute I laid eyes on B. It was just so 'right'. The morning was pretty straightforward - airport at 4, through security by 5, boarded and cozy by 5:30. First flight was actually 5 minutes early which saved my ass as I had to run from one terminal to another. I ended up having a good 10 minutes to spare. Not the kind of window I like or am used to, but it was all good. I touched down in MI at 3:15 on schedule. We had decided on meeting at baggage claim because it would be easy and logical. There she was as I came down the escalator. The person in the pictures. The words on my computer. The voice on my phone. All came together. She had a rose for me for Valentine's day.

We were both nervous as we drove over to the hotel. Checked in. Now the hotel? Yeah, the hotel isn't really up to my normal standards but for the price I am paying I can handle it. $200 for four nights in a full suite with kitchen is doable. I don't think I have spent that little on a hotel in forever. After checking in we went to the grocery store because I needed rockstar for this morning. We also got a couple little things like some cheese and snacks for the room.

When we got back we opened presents. She put together a gift bag that was like it was the most natural thing to buy me presents. Disney stuff, a bag of candy, and fuzzy socks. Bam. We decided to see if we could find someplace not jammed back for dinner. We ended up at this random restaurant where I had the rack of lamb (herb rolled, goat cheese encrusted) and she had the pork loan (rosemary cream sauce). We both recognized that having dinner together at the bar was again, the most natural thing ever. She even said it's like we had done it a million times before.

Afterwards we came back to the hotel and we made a blanket fort, ate dessert, and watched Across the Universe in our blanket fort. Fucking awesome.

Then the late night activities started in. Not only was there a deeper connection than I ever felt with SG. I finished for once. For the first time since XGF. That was almost a year ago people. Think about that. The first time I was able to successfully climax with another human being in almost a year. You tell me that doesn't mean we fit... For the last few days I have had tool going through my head:


I know the pieces fit because I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame it doesn't mean I don't desire to
Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over.
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication


Yeah I know. But the pieces fit again. And nothing will stop me from having this or take it away from me. Nothing. I won't lose this chance to be happy. We stayed up until 3:00 just talking after. Talking dammit. And it's not like we went at it for hours. It was normal people sex. Not smashed against a window weird ass sex. No, normal people sex for like an hour. And then we cuddled and talked. So fucking normal. Even this weirdness is normal.

Woke up this morning a little while ago and jumped on a meeting. On it right now. After we are off to the detroit disney store!

Y4 D266

Woke up at 2:11 this morning. My first (of six) alarm(s) was set for 2:23. Yay me. Part of me feels like today is just another business trip but my insides are going nuts at the thought of spending 5 days with B. This is utterly insane. But if it works....

Got up, worked, worked, and then worked some more. Talked to B. Got everything packed for today. Watched 10 episodes of Batman. Made it to Season 3. Halfway there. After this? Batman Beyond, Batman Year Zero, and all the movies. TV? No thanks, I am good.

Nothing really exciting happened yesterday. Today is a day of excitement. I am scared shitless. Today MY life could change forever...

Y4 D265

One more day. This time tomorrow I will be in the air and on my way to MI to be with B. Live and in person for five days. We are both as nervous as a cat on a porch full of rocking chairs. Or worse two virgins on prom night. Funny, I am probably going to have a lot of sex over the next five days but that's not what this trip is about. It's about being face to face to see if we are about to change our lives forever. More important than sex.

BUT speaking of sex, SG was on the prowl yesterday. I don't mean that to be a dick though. She was going through some self doubt and dark times yesterday and wanted an anchor. I am always the white knight even when I shouldn't be, aren't I? She was lamenting that she would no longer have me in her life. I told her that wasn't true, but I couldn't be her puppet or toy. I would always be her friend, just not her bitch waiting in the shadows to get whatever scraps of emotion she felt like throwing my way.

I am too damn needy and emotionally damaged to accept that kind of relationship. It would be easy to accept it because it really required very little effort on my part, but it was also very unsatisfying for me. It made her happy, but definitely was destructive for me. I do feel for her. And maybe if things had been different. But they aren't. Plus I think she is also experiencing a lot of 'I want what I can't have' and not the true emotions she seems to think she for me. I find it flattering she thinks she wants me, but once more, she wants the idea, the mythos, but not the reality.

Worked on three different clients yesterday. More importantly I got an email from our sales VP. Turns out two of the students on Thursday and Friday's class work for a company we have been trying to get into for years. No matter how much effort the sales team put in, no dice. Two days of training with me? BAM they want ME onsite to help them rebuild things. Specifically, they want ME. No other consultant is acceptable. We are doing a prelim meeting on Friday morning since I will be EST just like the client. Then it looks like the week of 3/4 I will spend a week in MN rebuilding their model. Yeah, there's a reason why my cards say Rockstar.... If this comes to fruition the downside is I am looking at back to back trips of MI, PA, MN, and OH. 20,000 miles in less than 4 weeks. But that will make up for the points I am using for this trip, and it will give me some good hotel points for a Disney trip in March.

Worked on my puzzle while watching Batman in the evening. Almost through season 2. Man that is a damn good show. Kevin Conroy is Batman. He is the perfect blend of playboy and dark knight. Talked to B throughout the day, was in bed by 11. Tonight is an early night as I have to be up at 3 tomorrow.

Y4 D264

2 more days. Two more days and I will be with B. In the cold. I couldn't have a found a girl in SoCal or Hawaii. No, I have to find one in MI. What the fuck is wrong with me? Don't answer that.

Didn't really do jack shit yesterday and I am going to pay for it today. I need to buckle down and get a ton of work done today. I have three weeks left to finish this training guide I am working on and it has to be approved, reviewed, and a dry run completed. I am looking at a good 10-12 hour day today. I can do it.

My router is really pissing me off right now. My desktop is acting flaky with it, the kid's brand new machine won't connect to it, and streaming is a nightmare. When I get back from this trip I will be getting a new one. Right now almost everything in this house is hardwired which is annoying as fuck.

I did manage to get the kid's new machine somewhat complete yesterday. She still needed real software installed on it - Office, Acrobat Pro, etc. One benefit of my job is being a Microsquish partner. After a few attempts due to network issues, I was finally able to get Office 2013 downloaded and installed on her machine. Acrobat was easy. She had reader on there, but reader is useless. She needed pro to create her own. That too is done.

I will also say Windows 8 sucks balls. At least on a laptop/desktop. I can see how it would be useful on a tablet, but man it's so clunky on real machines. Worked on my puzzle last night. Almost done. 2000 pieces. I think this is the biggest one I have ever done. Of course they have a 3000 piece one at the store...

Watched a few episodes of Batman after finally getting everything hardwired and eliminating my stream issues. Hit bed around 10. Talked to B for a little while and then went to sleep. We found a great new app yesterday called Avocado. It's meant for couples - a private place to chat, maintain lists, calendars, etc. It's private between you and one and only one other person. Takes us both one step closer to eliminating our usage of Facebook. I really want off there. It's just so ugh. I have been on there since 2006 and it's outlived it's usefulness in my mind. Nothing but inane crap. Will not be sorry to be off.

That's about it. Time to start writing docs.

Y4 D263

My back hurts this morning. Sitting in this damn chair four days straight last week did a number on it. I am feeling the results of that right now. Plus I hate my fucking mattress. I need to find one that can actually support my back. Maybe just get a 4x8 and put it underneath to give it some... fuck I can't even think of words right now. Words elude me for once. I am fucking cranky this morning. Tired of this cold weather. Tired of waking up and everything aching and snapping and popping and crackling because it's 55 degrees in here. I hate fucking places with old fashioned electric heaters that are useless except for the one room you're in. How fucking hard is it to have central heat? I should have stayed where I was where at least the temperature gets to normal levels this time of year. Fuck me this sucks. Yeah okay I am cranky and awake and don't want to be either right now. Deal with it.

Spent the day... what the hell did I do yesterday? Got up early. Placed the order for the kid's laptop. Got her a new Samsung 15.6" laptop and wacom tablet for school. Had to wait until the store opened to go pick it up. Did that around 11. Had lunch, stopped at the mall because she wanted to try on some stuff. Came home, setup the new machine and made quiches. I went over to a friend's last night to hang out. Him, his husband, and another couple all got together to do 'Brunch at night'. We had drunken french toast, quiches, biscuits, candied bacon, and eggs benedict at 7pm. Some mango mimosas to top it all off. We ended up playing this tabletop game called Elder Sign which while fun, took longer than I was in the mood to handle. I had the kid drop me off so she could take the car to work and my friends drove me home. As we were leaving I realized the kid had my keys and I had no way into the house. I had to call her at work, meet her at the mall, get a house, and she seemed ticked off. Well maybe if she had thought since she went back home first before work she would have left me a kay under the mat. Oh wait that would have required some common sense. Something she seems to be missing some days. On top of that my router is acting flakey and I need to get a new one. Fuck me. One more thing I am not in the mood to replace but will have to anyway.

Got home around 11:00 after the key fiasco. Three days until I see B face to face. Then I can see if I am completely insane or if my life is going to change forever.

Y4 D262

Hello. How are you? I am doing well thanks. Yes, I know it is early, but it's not a bad thing. I always know when I sleep well because I sleep in chunks. Last night was one of those nights - 9:45 - 11:15, 11:30 - 3:00, 3:00-6:30. All solid, all good. I actually feel awake and refreshed this morning even if it is not quite 7 on a Sunday morning. Had a really nice day yesterday. Still tired of KBF and want to punch him in the face, but that's a different story. Also still frustrated with the kid, but that too is a different story. This is my story dammit and they are but bit players. Yeah that's a lie. They tend to be major roles, don't they?

Woke up and was leisurely in the morning. Made french toast for the kid before she went off to the beach with dumbass. Who goes to the beach in February? Apparently he does. He is an idiot. We watched the latest Supernatural. Everybody Hates Hitler. Yes, yes they do. Finally got our Nazi Zombies.  I really think they are trying some different things for possible spinoffs. I said that before when they had the werewolf girl which would have made a great spinoff. In the last few episodes we have seen the return of Charlie (a show about a lesbian programmer forced into hunting? Yeah, I'd watch that) and now this whole Men of Letters storyline with grandpa. Tell me that's not spinoff material. Sam and Dean find remaining Men of Letters or their descendants and bam, we have a whole new show. Speculation, but good speculation. And where the hell is Cas???

Okay, I admit too much thought went into that last paragraph, but it's my fandom people and I love it. After watching that and the kid going off to the beach I went and ran errands. Made videos of my day for B. She had her birthday party and a dinner last night. It kind of works right now that she is three hours ahead of me. As she was heading off to dinner I was taking a nap. At around 4 I met my buddy at the pub. We were supposed to meet at 5 but he changed last minute. Turns out because he had been at another bar from 8:30am. That has turned into his MO lately. He drops the girls off at school at like 8, hits the bar from 8 until 1, sleeps for two hours, picks the girls up. I chewed his ass out for this. He has an interview on Monday with one of the major hospitals in the area and if he fucks this up he is screwed. He needs this job. His ex-wife is draining money from him right and left and he isn't stopping her because 'he loves her'. Fuck that noise. I did that when I was 20. You don't do it in your 40s brother. You put your goddamn foot down. No don't look at my life, just listen to my advice. I am much better at other people's lives than my own. Yeah, take that. He hung out until just before 6. I stayed until about 7:30. I did really well. He owed me so he bought me two drinks and then this nice table bought me a drink because I had overhead their conversation and jumped into it offering some advice. See above. This was right up my alley though. They were having a conversation about eliminating cable and just having things like Netflix and Hulu. I had to get into that conversation. Because of that, they bought me a drink. I ended up paying for one drink and an order of fries. Not bad for 3.5 hours at the pub. Headed home and made a pizza for me and the kid before she had to head off to work. Sat on the couch and texted with B until I passed out for a little while. But not a bad pass out, just a  sleepy time kind. That was 9:45-11:15. I woke up, texted B to see how she was doing. She was calling it a night too. She was staying at her friend's because too much tequila and vodka in one night will do that to you. I don't expect to hear from her for a few more hours. And that will probably be a groggy conversation.

One last item of interest from yesterday was X1 did something useful. She transferred over $175 towards the kid's new laptop. I placed the order this morning for in store pickup. A nice 16" Samsung laptop and a Wacom tablet which she needs for her design projects. $650 for everything out the door. Not bad. The laptop should last her a good 3-4 years and it's the base Wacom but it too will get her feet wet and be what she needs for now.  I will get an email in a little while confirming store pickup which tell you what I will be doing today.

Tonight I am hitting my friend's house around 6:30 for a kiki. I have not seen them in a while and it is time for a kiki dammit. We are doing brunch for dinner. I am making a quiche, they are supplying the mimosas. Before that? Who knows as I have hours to go...

Y4 D261

A little over 100 days in this year's writings. Will we need a year 5? Probably. Because life isn't a fairy tale and while I have high hopes for next week I also have learned that my hopes usually get destroyed by something.

Taught my last class for the week yesterday. It went right up to the mark. Good class from my perspective. Another long ass day, but worth it. I really do enjoy teaching this particular class. After class I really had nothing to do. Technology was pissing me off in one form or another. I tried watching some episodes of Batman but it kept burping on the stream. I think today I may hardwire a couple of things just to shut them up.

Little bit of drama last night but I tried to stay out of it. Last Saturday at the show there was an incident with one of the new members and our lighting guy. He is something of a grumpy curmudgeon and not really liked by folks because of his surly attitude. He can be very off putting especially when you get into his little world. We had a newer cast member bring more new cast members with them which is a good thing. However no one bothered to tell me in advance that there would be new cast members and then I got surprised with 'they will be helping to shadow spotlight'. That is something that continues to frustrate me; if I am a department head, how about letting me know before hand that there will be new people AND that they will be working with my team? Logic, pretty flower that smells bad. Also the person who brought the new cast members was being a bit of an arrogant jerk himself in the sense that 'hey I brought new people you should all be listening to me'. I don't have anything really against this guy, but I also don't like being TOLD what to do when I am in the middle of 900 other things. I have a co-head who vanishes all the time to get stoned and refuses to do things. He leaves early and I get stuck picking up the pieces. To add to this right before show time that you want someone to shadow spotlight without giving me advance warning so I can warn the spot guy?? Not good. So the newish guy sends a nastygram via email to me and the directors last night saying how the spot guy's behavior was unacceptable, rude, etc. He's right. I can't argue with him on that. That of course led to a flurry of phone calls and texts from all parties that I was in no mood to deal with after the long week I had. I essentially got chewed out by the spot guy because I wasn't addressing the issue. The issue? The issue is you're a grump. Can't fix that. Now our director is calling him today and who knows how that will play out. Frankly I want out of it because I have no authority anyway. I show up, I do my job, I leave. All I can do in this case.

B and I talked our usual many hours. Don't think the infatuation has stopped. It's actually just becoming part of the norm and there's not a whole lot to say on it. She is becoming integrated into my life. In five days we will see how integrated...

Y4 D260

Good class yesterday. The kind with really positive follow up and feedback. The class I taught yesterday and continue teaching today is one of my favorites. It's one where I know the material cold. I have been doing the things in the class for almost 15 years and it shows. I don't even need to look at the slides any more to know what comes next. That's the kind of class it is. I had 15 people on the class and when it's that large I get the energy from them as well. Class went all day as expected. After class I worked on my puzzle and watched Batman. Also discovered I was three episodes behind on Supernatural. Thank goodness for friends who know how to find shit. I really would prefer to find these things sometimes on my own but for some reason I am apparently an idiot when it comes that. Like I am looking for a PDF or MOBI version of a book for B and seem to be stupid on finding. Speaking of B, we talked as usual yesterday. She went out drinking for her birthday and got my first drunk texts from her last night. I could see she was slipping into the dark place a little and gave her space. One of these days we will all remember that alcohol is a depressant, won't we? While I was working on my puzzle kid and KBF arrived home. I am getting sick of them. Seriously. Once again they spent most of the night making out on the couch. At one point I did look over and say 'you know that's fucking annoying right?'. Did they take the hint? Nope. SO I retaliated by putting on Phantom of the Paradise and leaving the room with the remote. Take that. That's it. That was my day. Another day of training today followed possibly by a trip to the pub, or I may just stay in and hide all weekend. We shall see.

Y4 D259

Having a hard time this morning. Kind of fuzzy and for no good reason. I got a decent amount of sleep - went to bed around 10:30, up at 5:15. That's not optimal but it certainly doesn't explain my level of exhaustion today. Maybe I am just feeling the effects of training so many days in a row. I always enjoy it from an accomplishment perspective, but it definitely takes it toll on my mental and physical state.

Did day 2 of 4 yesterday. Up and ready for day 3 today. Trained until 2 yesterday, took a brief nap, then really didn't do much of anything else. Watched some more Batman. I am almost through season 1 of that show. Only 900+ episodes of television left to watch and a few hundred movies. I do sometimes feel sorry for the future of television, but then again I said that years ago about newspapers and somehow they have managed to carry on. Albeit not in the same popularity they were a decade ago. I know I don't feel bad about not having pay television any more.

Had spaghetti for dinner. Ended up giving me massive cramps.

God I am boring. I need an adventure. And in one week I will have one. Just have to make it a week. I felt a case of the darkness creeping in a bit last night. I think it was because B was out with friends and the kid wasn't home and it was 7pm on a Wednesday, dark and alone. It was too cold to walk anywhere, I don't want to spend any money until next weekend, and it felt like the black cloud was starting to settle in again. I can feel its presence lurking off to the side. I have to fight it. Have to keep it at bay.

Y4 D258

I forgot to bring something up the other day but I guess it's okay because the final part of it happened yesterday. Saturday night at the show SG was there. She was only there for a minute to drop off someone else, but she was there. I wasn't expecting to see her and it hit me odd because it's her. She was very cold to me as expected but yesterday I was on FB and realized she had sent me a message I hadn't seen. Explained more why she was so cold. As far as I am concerned, until proven otherwise, I am in a relationship with B. I always told SG that the minute I was in a real relationship our little play time was over. I think she thought she could have her cake and eat it too forever. It doesn't work that way. Not everyone is okay with their significant other having virtual, and randomly real, sex with someone else. The message I read from her yesterday said she loved me and she couldn't fight for me, etc. I think on Saturday maybe she was hoping I would fight for her. Unfortunately I hadn't seen it. Turns out this was the last time she was going to be in the area. I responded that she never loved me. I was always a distraction and deep down she knew it. Had things been different in the summer and she hadn't lied to me about where her marriage was going maybe things would be different right now. I also told her that I would never forget our time together in person as it did mean something to me. Maybe not the same as what it meant to her, but it did mean something. But the truth is we would have never worked in the long run. There was too much going on in her head and world that I would never be part of unfortunately.

Her response to my message? 'Ok'. Yeah, that's that. Don't think I didn't care for her, because I did. In our way we did love each other but it was so damaged and fucked up that it always was, what it was. Unhealthy. Damaged. Broken.

What I have learned over the last two months is I need someone like B. I need someone who can be stable and predictable and wants all the boring shit I rail against on the outside but deep down really need to be healthy. Remember how I felt when I had LO? The ups and downs, the insanity? For what? Sex with a 23 year old? Good sex, yes, but at what price? That's SG. Weird ass kinky uninhibited sex, but at what price? I could never keep the pace with her. I was always out of my league in some ways. I don't need that. I don't want vanilla either, but there has to be middle ground. 2013 - the year of middle ground! Seriously though, tell me things haven't been boring to read lately. I don't care, it's GOOD for my mind. No giant dips, no wild adventures. No puking on the side of the road. No $200 bar bills that I can't remember. No, take yesterday - training, few episodes of Batman, steak for dinner. Bed. That's how life should be more often than not. And B can give me that PLUS sex. Plus real love. Someone who wants boring shit without being boring. I crave that stability more than I can ever admit. I crave being needed and wanted and the protector. She wants all that. Mark my damn words, if things click as well physically when I see her in 8 days, this is it. This is the end of the adventure for me. I will live the Great American Nightmare, but under my terms. I won't end up a doormat like before. But I will become that person I should have been 15 years ago.

And yes, 8 days. It's official now. I booked my hotel and flight yesterday. I will be there for five days next week. Valentine's Day through Monday. I get 5 days of 1:1 time to see if we are truly as compatible as we seem to be. People might think it weird that I have met someone online far away and I am already interested in a future with her. I know at least three couples who met online in one form or another and have made it work. They spent months never seeing each other face to face. I think in some ways it's great because we have gotten to know each other on such a different level than just physical. We have asked so many questions of each other that we know all the little things. People always say you can work through the little things but that's not true. The little things turn into the big issues. We have already knocked out a lot of that in our relationship. Stupid stuff like which way the toilet paper should hang. I wasn't able to use as many points as I wanted on this trip, but in the end it was $200 for 5 days for everything. That's not bad at all. We both have countdown timers set on our phones. As of this moment it is 8 days 6 hours and 35 minutes until we see each other face to face and my future takes shape.

Y4 D257

Had a horrible dream last night. It was a show dream. We were at a local stadium preparing to do a show. Like 10,000 people in attendance and nothing was going right. There was this serious excitement in the air but I was so stressed out it was insane. It was like 5 minutes until showtime and I couldn't find things, people weren't where they were supposed to be, I couldn't find my pass to get on stage, it was a nightmare through and through. Just a serious stress dream. The day itself wasn't bad. Got ready for today's training. Doing this all week which is good as it will keep me busy for the rest of the week and it looks like I have some things lined up for next week already too. Perfect. I did want to try and play some video games last night but it would seem I have no usable batteries in this house. I was really wanting to play a stupid Mario game but I would have needed six AA batteries as all the batteries here are dead. I was not about to go to the store oh wait I couldn't because I had no car. The next time I see KBF I am going to see about working with him to convince the kid to get her car in order. She needs to  stop using mine constantly. Yeah, I know, I have been saying that for a year. It just hasn't been a serious issue until recently. I did watch a couple episodes of Batman the Animated Series. One of the best animated shows ever done in my opinion. Great acting, beautiful to look at, etc. I do have one slight problem going on today. I broke my chair last night. It's not like it's a fancy chair - cost me $20 but it does present a problem if I am going to be sitting in it for the next four days. I will see what I can do about it. Time to get ready to talk to myself all day....

Y4 D256

It seems I did good yesterday. I have to knock this off before it becomes a habit. I passive aggressively spoke my mind about what happened at the show Saturday night on Facebook. I have been using it very little these days and what I wrote struck a nerve with all the right people. Enough that my director's called me and practically forced me and the kid to go over there last night. I am glad we did. They ended up getting a cake for the kid's birthday. Deep down they are good people. Frustrating at times, but good people.

Worked on my puzzle, watched a couple of movies, made mac and cheese, cleaned the house, took a nap, played some Diablo, talked to B, and went to there house. Home by 10:30, in bed and asleep just a little after midnight.

I successfully managed to not see a single minute of the StupidBowl. Not one commercial not one play, nothing. Talked about that with B yesterday. We are both in full agreement there will never be any sports in our house by our own choosing. Don't even have to pretend to care with her. Thank god. No stupid ass sports or going to sports parties. I should mention that the little shindig last night purposely took place AFTER the game. They didn't watch it either and it was nice to be amongst people who didn't bring it up even once.

Teaching four classes this week. Waiting for all the details right now so I can spend the day prepping. Welcome to Monday.

Y4 D255

I am awake. I should be sleeping since I didn't get home until after 3. But I wanted to be up for B since she has to work all day. It's stupidbowl Sunday and wait let me see.... nope don't care. Yesterday was pretty good. Slept in, unlike today. Ran some errands. Found two more Disney movies for the collection. Took a nap. Made spaghetti for dinner.

Was alone most of the day. Still am. Kid is out enjoying her birthday.

So last night the show was okay. From our perspective the show itself was good, but of course there was drama.

The two people who shouldn't be at a show decided to show up. What pisses me off is they think they are being so cool - 'oh look at us we are telling her to stick it and standing up for ourselves'. No all you are doing is creating fucking drama for the rest of us. WE are the ones who end up paying for this shit. From a grumpy director to a half hour after show meeting WE deal with the repercussions not you. So you know what? Stay the fuck home. They showed up late on purpose to make sure that it would be harder to get them ejected. Different theater different rules. Whatever. They tried to talk to me but I ignored them. I'm sorry but I knew it would just end in drama and I did not want them to think I approved of their behavior. Fucking immature little children.

Sigh. Anyway, got home at 3. Going to finish up here then do some cleaning. Staying hidden away today away from the football idiots.

Y4 D254

I SLEPT IN! WHEE!!! Okay I didn't go to bed until 2, but still. No alarms, no nothing. I just slept. How wonderful. I had a pretty good day yesterday. Taught my class, which ended up finishing a little early because I didn't have to spend the majority of my time explaining where to click for once. It's always nice to have smart people on the roster.

Went to target and picked up a birthday present for the kid. I got her one of the monster high dolls she likes. It may not seem like a big present, but I also renewed her annual pass so technically she got a $630 present for her birthday. Her and I also had a long talk about things like that. I don't really have a good point of reference of where and when a parent should stop paying for certain things. We discussed what is appropriate and what isn't now that she is 20. Twenty. Jesus fuck. I have a 20 year old. As of tomorrow. In 14 hours my little baby will be 20. Sigh. And yet here I am thinking about getting married again and having more. Someone hit me in the head. On the other hand, I am okay with it. More than okay. I feel like I was in a coma for 15 years. Walking around in stasis missing out on all these things I should have done. I have this chance to do it all right this time and I am not going to let that chance slip by. I am actually excited about the possibility of doing these things again. Not being divorced this time. Watching my child grow up instead of being the away parent. Why shouldn't I take the chance? I am not dead.

I can never die...

Yeah right....

Came back home, ripped a couple of movies. Added three more to the Disney collection. Escape to Witch Mountain, Return from Witch Mountain, and Princess Diaries. Watched the latter while working on my puzzle. Made a nice trip tip roast for dinner. Played Diablo, talked to B, and went to bed.

A mighty fine day indeed.

Y4 D253

Rent paid. Welcome to February. That was a big one. Always take care of the important shit as soon as possible, right? No matter what else happens this month, I have a roof over my head. That's all that matters some days. I am tired. And it's not going to improve next week. Four days of training already scheduled. Plus today. Thank god it is friday. Get some rest in. I seriously have no plans for tonight or for tomorrow except for the show. My big plans are to go to Target tonight after training. Oh yeah, wild man. Then Diablo or work on my puzzle. That's it. I was going to go into the city but as of right now, I don't feel like it. I feel like hiding and doing nothing. I don't know how I am even going to make it through today. Luckily my class is tiny. Three students two of whom are internal. That makes it easy. It's the kid's birthday Sunday. Need to get her a small present. I plan on renewing her pass and that is a $600 present as far as I am concerned. This is the last year I do it. I have really been thinking about that. At what point do you say, okay, time for you to support yourself more. Time for you to pay for some of these things on your own. I think 21 is a good place to start doing that. I am not saying I will kick her out although she may end up leaving on her own. No I am saying that non-essentials like food and shelter need to start coming from her. That's not being unreasonable in my mind. Especially since at 21 I was almost married to her mother. Weird.

Taught all day. Went to the pub for a burger and a drink. Came home. Played Diablo, talked to B, went to bed.