Y2 D219

In 17.5 hours it will be a new year. I can't believe I survived. So many times this year I have come close to jumping in front of a bus. I moved, I lost my brother, I went through women like a leaky faucet, I was lied to, stolen from, got laid, went to a sex party, had sex with girls in their 20s for crying out loud, did less drugs than in 2009, drank less but drank severely when I did, went into a foreclosure, was overdrawn more times than in the last 10 years, cried, laughed, joined a cast of people who have become my lifeline, worked on interesting projects, rearranged my furniture way too many times, was interviewed for the paper, lost about 15 pounds total for the year, and all in all, plodded along from day to day with nothing but lint and matchbooks in my pockets. Wow. An interesting year to say the least.

Yesterday was uneventful. I almost had a date with someone new, but since it didn't happen I will save the story about her until it does. Right now that should be Sunday. We shall see what happens. Then and only then will I discuss it.

Went to work, almost finished everything I needed to get done, but the client is ok with how much I did get accomplished so we're cool. Came home and started making apple butter. It takes 15+ hours for me to make a batch of apple butter because I do it in the slow cooker. I just finished blending it and setting it back in for roughly another hour. After that I will jar it up and give it to those few people I really like.

After I took care of starting the process, the kid and I had dinner. She was in the mood for more beanie weenies and beanie weenies she had. Makes her happy.

We were sitting around after that figuring out what to do when I became possessed with wanting to clean her closet. I have been avoiding it for some time (ok, like since I moved in here) and for whatever reason, last night was the night. Took us four hours, but I got through all the boxes in her closet. Some bad memories surfaced, some things I didn't want to see, but I did throw some stupid things like old Valentine's Day cards away. Funny how looking at things from the outside shifts your perspective. There were a ton of pictures in the boxes and every time I saw a picture of X2, it looked like she really didn't want to be where she was. I mean we are talking things like the kid's graduation from 8th grade. Or just at dinner parties. It just was like being in public was a chore for her. And not just pictures where I know we were together; there were others from events I wasn't at where she had the same look. Funny, I think of her and while physically I still like a person of her design and proportion, SHE is not attractive to me. Ah hindsight and perspective. What a bitch.

End result, the kid can use her closet now when she moves in, I freed up room in my closet, threw a bunch of old shit away, and felt like I accomplished something. Not too shabby.

Tonight is a show. Leaving in about 14 hours. Need to rest today since tonight WILL be insane. I have a gift card from my dad for crapmart. I think the kid and I will take a ride. I would like to get a shower curtain, and something for the wall in my bedroom. I also need more jars for apple butter. The card is for $40 but it is crapmart after all.

Tomorrow I will discuss New Year's goals (not resolutions) as I have been thinking this week about that.

Y2 D218

Good day at work yesterday. Did more report work and discussed continuing the project into quarter one of next year. I can't believe this year is over in two days. Wow. It seems like it was just yesterday I was moving. I have been trying to think back over the whole year and all its ups and downs. More downs than ups it seems at times, but I survived another year. Yay me? More gray hair, more stress, less happy than before overall, but I survived. I guess that counts for something?

The only part of yesterday during the day worth mentioning was the 30 minutes I spent on the phone with X1. Yes, she was complaining that she hadn't received a check yet. What else is new? But then she started crying and telling me about how horrible her husband is, how rough her life is, and how she misses her kids because she is driving so much. Blah blah blah. I wanted so bad to go off on her, but I know only 5 more months and it is all irrelevant. It will mean nothing to me soon enough. She will be out of my life. I feel for her husband, soon to be ex-husband. He still has another decade plus to have to deal with her crap. I spoke to him afterwards as he is the one who will be actually picking up the kid on Sunday. We had a good laugh at X1's expense about some of the things she was saying. Amazing how different the other side of the coin can be. I did say one thing to her about all her choices - I told her that she finally sees how I have felt these last 16 years when I would go weeks on end without being able to see the kid. It hurts like hell sometimes but you don't have much choice. You make your decisions and you have to deal with them.

Made egg sandwiches for dinner last night. Nothing fancy. Trying to go through all the food that is going to spoil before the kid leaves. Once she is gone I am back to not eating. It's been weird having to eat again. Some part of me is just eating because she is here. That stops Sunday.

Put away Christmas last night. Cleaned up all the remnants of the tree and decorations. My house is back to normal. Kind of weird as I have been used to the tree and stuff out for the last month, but at the same time it feels like it was just yesterday I was putting everything on display. I also realized I have too much crap out and will probably deal with that on Sunday. Last day at work and then I get three days off! Two back to back shows and a drive to drop off the kid, but still, don't have to work!

Y2 D217

I can't believe this year is almost over. Just a couple more days and it will be 2011. Wow. There's a date I never thought I would see. Hell, I am amazed some days I made it passed 2000. Can I have my life back? Can I have the last decade or so back please? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Another day, another dollar. Nothing exciting yesterday. This project is rolling to a close. Only have about another week and a half left in terms of hours. Hopefully it will get extended but there is no guarantee which worries me. I can tell the client is frustrated too and would like to extend but with everyone out, he needs to wait until his bosses get back from holiday break.

Kid and I went and had pizza last night. I know I shouldn't spend the money, but neither of us wanted to cook and I just wasn't in the mood to argue. Plus she now has food for lunch or dinner today. I have put on three pounds since she has been here. Every time she is here I eat. Good? Bad? Indifferent? Whatever.

Off to work. Only two more days and then I get Friday off. Two shows this weekend. Then I drive the kid home on Sunday and life goes back to 'normal'.

Y2 D216

Watched an actual funny comedy last night. These days there are very few comedies that actually make me laugh. I just am not into what people call amusing any more. Current fare in the theaters for comedy? Jack Black acting like a moron, Ben Stiller and De Niro doing kid jokes, and a horrible version of Yogi Bear. I do not find any of that amusing. BUT last night the kid and I watched Easy A on demand. I still have, well had, 4 free movies from DirectTV. That was a damn funny movie. Well acted, good story line, didn't rely on fart, poop, or puke jokes for humor. We enjoyed it.

That was about it for highlights yesterday. Worked, watched the movie, made pupusas for dinner, went to bed. Nothing exciting. Good.

Y2 D215

Went to my grandmother's house yesterday. It's my dad's mom - the crazy racist, conspiracy theory lady. She is 81 years old and while she doesn't look it, she definitely acts it at times. I have learned to take her with a grain of salt, but man I don't always understand her. The cool thing was it was me, the kid, her, and my aunt. We had four generations sitting around the breakfast table yesterday. Made me actually a little nostalgic. The other interesting thing is when most people have four generations of family in a room, it's a crowded room. Not us. There were four of us. Period. Big family, woo.

We had breakfast and then decided to all go see a movie together. The sucky part was we went to a theater in a mall where X2 and I used to frequent and I believe she still frequents when she is in town. I kept having this nagging fear I was going to run into her around every corner even though I doubt she is in town given that it was Sunday and it's a holiday. Odds are she spent the holidays with her mother in a completely different state or her mother visited her. But it was still weird for me to be in stores that I have not been in since X2 and I were last in them together. I tried to push it out of my mind, but it was still tough.

We went and saw True Grit. Actually much better than the original. Jef Bridges is a better John Wayne than John Wayne was. Went back to the house after the movie and socialized for a little longer. By the time we got home it was 3 something. Ran a couple of errands then watched a little Always Sunny together. I have the kid hooked on the show now too. She has watched almost 2 full seasons with me and we are just about caught up with season six.

Made game hens for dinner. I did feel a little bad because I don't use my table as a table, so we had to eat in the front room off the ottomans. Here's this nice dinner and we are eating it like bums. Hell, I don't even have TV trays. Maybe that is something I should add to the list of 2011 purchases. I want to get a new shower curtain as well. TV trays and shower curtains - that's what my life has been reduced down to these days. Nice.

Watched a little more TV and went to bed. Now another full week because no more holidays for a while. This is going to be a long one...

Y2 D214

Twas a damn good Christmas amazingly enough. Better than I had anticipated or expected. I got up around 6 or 7 and let the kid sleep until almost 8. We moved slowly and opened presents. I was pleasantly surprised at the gifts I got that I actually knew nothing about. From X1's brother I got a nice sweater, from N, some movies and two really nice absinthe advertising prints, and from the kid? Tron the video game! I don't know how she was able to afford it (well, yes I do, grandma had to have helped her) but it was a nice gift that I honestly did not expect. Pretty damn cool. After we opened gifts I cracked open the mini-donut maker I got for myself. Made some basic little donuts. Not too shabby. Pretty darn good powdered sugar and cinnamon donuts. Was fun. One batch of dough makes about 36 donuts. It's a little time consuming (4 minutes for six donuts so it took about an hour to make all of them) but fun and tasty. We then got ready to go over to her grandmother's house. We were there from about 12:30 to 3. Headed home, rested a while and then decided to have Chinese food for dinner. I know, I took out game hens, but I just didn't feel like cooking. Chinese was much more fun anyway. Nothing like being the oddballs at a chinese restaurant on Christmas night.  Us, the Jews, and the random Chinese people. Fun. Came home, watched one of the movies N sent me - Queen of the Damned - and then hit bed. We are heading over to MY grandmother's house this morning. She is 81, a racist, and a conspiracy theorist. Obama is a crazy Muslim who is going to enslave us all in his Socialist world according to her. I don't want to be there too long because seriously this woman drives me nuts, but it's the right thing to do and I will do it to make everyone happy. Other than that, no big plans. Hopefully another slow day before I have to work again tomorrow.

Y2 D213

I had a genuine Christmas fucking miracle yesterday. The kid and I were out running a few errands yesterday and had made it to the grocery store. I was stressing out because I was trying to find the cheapest things I could get without making her starve like me when I got a text from one of my bosses. He was confirming my address because he dropped a Christmas bonus check off at my house. It didn't matter if it was $100 or $500, it was the fact that some of the pressure was being relieved by the company without me worrying about being indebted to them even further. We finished our grocery shopping ($28) and headed home. There on the doorstep was a check for $400. Thank you very much. Thank whatever higher power, whatever method of visualization, thank everyone. It made me breathe a little easier yesterday.

We did a couple more errands including dropping props off for the New Years Eve show. Then we headed back home and relaxed. We had a nice little dinner of beanie weenies because it's what she wanted. Then I did my usual Christmas tradition of watching Grinch followed by Charlie Brown. I good day all in all.

Today is Christmas. The kid is still sleeping. There's some presents under the tree I am excited to open because I honestly don't know what they are. From there we are going to her grandmother's house, and then having cornish game hens for dinner. I am actually in a good relaxed mood right now. Let's hope it lasts through the rest of this year. Merry Christmas to my brother. I do miss him.

Y2 D212

Yesterday was an incredible mix of highs and lows, frustrations and relaxations. When I got up yesterday I checked the bank because I had a feeling I would get paid early thanks to the holiday. I was correct. Problem was my check was about $200 less than I thought it was going to be. Our finance guy is on holiday until the 2nd and he is not checking email. Really have no one to ask. Right off the bat, I was happy to have gotten paid, but I knew after bills went out I was going to be screwed. This started the day. I did pay a couple of bills, took care of that. Then I went off to work. Did about 4 hours at work. While I was there, I sent my bosses an email telling them that I couldn't continue to live this way in 2011. The stress of always being broke and worrying was not conducive to me being a good employee. I also chastised them a bit for the holiday dinner and told them how even a small bonus of $200 would have been a lot more beneficial to me instead of a dinner I didn't even eat. I was a little snarky on that part, but it's true and I was worried about how I am going to make it to the 7th. I then gave them four different proposals on changing my salary and bonus structure that could reduce my stress and make me bug them less in 2011. The proposals all were of varying degrees of benefit to both me and the company. That was 24 hours ago and I have yet to hear back. Gee thanks guys.

At the same time, I managed to finally solve my issues with the formulas and reports I have been working on this last week. Talk about major relief and joy. I busted my ass this week to get these calculations and formulas all working and at around 10am yesterday morning I was checking off all 211 numbers in the report to the penny. Made me feel great!

I came home around 11 and wrote out rent checks. Once I again I got stressed and worried. See? Highs and lows. Made the kid some lunch, relaxed, and then headed over to my director's house for a little get together. It was me, the kid, my two directors, their kid, a high school friend of theirs in town visiting, and two of our other friends from cast. We had a GREAT time. We were there until about 12:30 just hanging out and socializing. I had a blast as did the kid. Got home around 1 and went off to bed. All in all a weird day, but nothing out of the ordinary, right?

Y2 D211

I was supposed to be off today, but alas I am off to work. I will probably be one of like three people in the office today, but I need to get two more numbers to tie out before I can say I am done. I only have 100 or so hours left on this project and need to use them as efficiently as possible if I want the client to extend the SOW. I would like to stay at this client through first quarter as it makes my life easier. In order to to do that I need them to be happy. Hence, I worked another 10.5 hours yesterday and I am going in today. Do what you go to do.

Other than work yesterday, I did have an interesting conversation with my boss yesterday afternoon. It is finally sinking into his head that I am having financial troubles and have nowhere to turn. We are going to try and adjust things starting in January. I hope he follows through this time and doesn't forget like he has in the past. It would really make my life easier if I had a small increase in cash flow every month. Nothing major, just a couple hundred more to give me some breathing room until May when the child support stops finally. I can't believe that after 16 years of paying it will finally be over. What a trip. I am so used to paying it that it will be weird to not send a check every month.

Came home and made the kid some burgers and sweet potato fries for dinner. One good thing about the kid in the house is I actually eat when she is here. I end up making us both dinner and I eat. I have put on 2 pounds since she has been here. Doesn't seem like much, but at 149, every two pounds makes a difference. We talked and relaxed and she played Sims while I watched Human Target. Nice quiet night. I did get a gift yesterday from an unexpected source; her uncle, X1's brother, left a gift for me at her grandmother's house. We haven't spoken in almost two years since X1's sister passed away. I am not sure what's in the gift, but the very thought that he sent one means something to me. We used to be very close until he got involved with his wife. Another case of the wife not liking me. This time though it was undeserved. I hope now as she has gotten older and wiser she sees that I am not as evil as she thought. Maybe this gift is the first step towards reconciliation.

Off to work...

Y2 D210

Another day, another boring ass time. Worked for almost 11 hours yesterday. The client is out Thursday and Friday so we are scrambling to get everything done. I expect another 10+ hours today. Ugh. So very tired.

After work, had dinner with the kid at X1's mother's house. Sometimes it is weird to still see them on a social level, but I know they are her grandparents and want to see the kid. I can't deny them that. Plus it saved me from making dinner last night. I am not complaining.

Watched three episodes of Always Sunny and went to bed. That was my day. No drama, no strange shit. Just work, dinner, bed. Woo hoo. If I can make it one more day though, it will be worth it. I will end up with four days off to do nothing. Maybe I will actually sleep.

Y2 D209

Busy day at work yesterday. It's a short week and I have to cram those hours in. Ended up doing around 10.5 yesterday. If I can hit at least 30 before end of day Wednesday, I won't have to go in at all on Thursday or Friday. If I am short a little I will have to work Thursday. I would rather not. Other than work, not much happened yesterday. Got an expense check I was waiting for from work. A whopping $60, but money is money. I am not bitching. I hope I get some kind of bonus in January. I have been busting my ass with billable hours this quarter. I am estimating at least $500 in January. We shall see what happens.

Came home and made pork chops for the kid and me. Watched some bad TV while we ate, a couple of episodes of Always Sunny and went to bed. Nothing exciting. BUT unlike last week where I would have been depressed, since I have the kid here to talk to, it made it bearable. Humans need humans whether we like it or not. Only way to keep our sanity.

Off to work. Another 10 hours. She is off to see grandma in a while. Probably will have to eat dinner there tonight. Oh joy...

Y2 D208

Did the photo shoot yesterday. Was very cool. Made blue cheese foam with a port reduction on top of pears, chicken soup noodles, and guava caviar. Let's see how much makes it in the paper. Should be sometime in early January. I am excited about this. This might be my 15 minutes so I want to enjoy it.

Went and got stocking stuffers yesterday. Nothing fancy. Just a run on the dollar store. Nice when you can fill two stockings for $40. Most of it is crap, but that's always been our tradition. Stockings are goofy stupid stuff. I never understood people who put good things in stockings.

Watched the Big Lebowski with the kid last night. All in all, a relaxing, quiet day. Need to be good for the next few days while I wait for Christmas and payday. No bills going out for a few days which will be nice, but the 1st will be here before I know it and I have to watch things carefully until then. Very carefully. I always get a little too free when the kid is around mostly out of guilt. But if we just play nice for the next three days, things should be ok. I am hoping to get paid a day early because of Christmas, but since it falls on a Saturday it may not come early.

Three day work week this week. Need to cram in at least 25-30 hours though in order to make a full week because I only get paid for Friday as a holiday. Still leaves Thursday in the air.

Y2 D207

The rain is a pouring down and smashing the windows. Dark and gloomy outside...

Long day yesterday. Started off by seeing Tron Legacy -- frickin' incredible! So worth the 28 year wait. I even teared up a little bit at the end. Best movie I have seen in a while where Hollywood didn't screw it up. Very much enjoyed it. After the movie we had some lunch. Oh before I forget... BEFORE the movie we went and got some Danish cookies and 750 communion wafers. That part was fun. Needed them to make Jesus sliders for the cast later in the night.

After lunch went and picked up some groceries, pet supplies, and finally made it home around 3. Napped for a little while, then helped the kid clean out the bunny cage. After all that, started cooking my little sliders, hot wings with halos, and little baby jesus sausages wrapped in blankets. Headed out to the show around 10. Everybody loved the food. Our director was pissed as hell after the show and I took the brunt of it. Most of it was because our head tech guy was late again with major props in his car. We didn't miss any cues during the show, but because we were missing some things she was very unhappy. I am not taking it personally, but I will do what I can in the future to make sure this doesn't happen again. I also had one person vanish during the show. At first I was pissed until I saw her off crying. Someone told me she had been on the phone and was upset. Ok, that I will let slide. She even apologized to me after the show for disappearing. But it didn't help my stress level during the show.

Me and the other lead tech guy are going to revamp things in 2011 to make sure shit like this doesn't happen again. We need two if not three sets of props everywhere. It's the only way we are going to solve this issue. Got home around 3. Need to get ready for my photo shoot at 11.

Y2 D206

And we're back. Last week was just a really bad week for me. It seemed like it was one thing after another just piling on my head. Instead of putting myself around people and trying to work through it, I went into hiding. We all see how wonderful that turned out. While I am not proud of what happened Thursday night, I did need the social outing. I should have avoided the absinthe (duh), but other than that, it was a needed time out.

Let's just put last week behind us and move on shall we?

Yesterday once I realized I wasn't at home when I woke up, I had to deal with work. I was only planning on working a half day anyway and while I feel guilty, I don't feel that guilty about blowing off work. I sent the client an email saying I wasn't feeling well and I would be in Monday. Not a lie, just my issue was self induced and therefore not really the kind of thing you take a day off for under normal circumstances. The big issue was losing my phone. I had to scramble around to see if one of my friends took it, was it in the car, was it in someone else's car, was it at the restaurant... All no, by the way. I ended up having to get a new phone. Not really happy about the out of pocket on a new phone, but I was able to float it until January 16th. Gives me about three weeks to figure out how to pay for it. Plus I was able to get an upgraded phone. Faster, slicker, cooler. Okay, I won't lie, that part is cool. I did lose all my pictures and ringtones, but I have most of that backed up on my laptop. I can survive.

After dealing with that I hit the road to go get the kid. That pretty much sums up my day. Nine hours of driving. Left here around 11:30 and got home around 9. We watched old Tron as we are going this morning to see new Tron. YAY.

Show tonight. Need to cook some stuff. Photo shoot for the newspaper tomorrow. And only one week until Christmas...

Y2 D205

Not in a good place this morning. Went on an absinthe bender last night. Threw up and passed out in a parking lot. Not sure how much I spent. Lost my phone, lost my scarf. Just got home. Not good.

Y2 D204

What the fuck happened to me? I used to never be this way. I used to walk down a street and have 20 people saying hello to me. I used to walk into a room and fucking own it. On a Tuesday I would play with cougars because I could. I had confidence, style, and an attitude. Now I am but a shell of my former self. I should have never moved. I knew I needed to get out of THAT town, but I should have stayed in the general area. That way I could have had the best of all worlds. Here I am nothing. I am insignificant. On top of that I am afraid of everything. Afraid I will spend too much money, afraid I will drive too far drunk, afraid I will be alone. A year ago I wasn't feeling this. I was on top of my game. Well not true, it was December of last year when things started falling apart. For the last 12 months I have been in a steady systematic decline. How do I fix this? I am not moving again. Not for a while at least. I need to find a new job and consequences be dammed. I will owe my current employer but they can go fuck themselves. Or do I hold tight and wait until the kid moves out on her own in another 18 months? Can I take 18 more months of this before I blow my fucking brains out? I don't know. I am amazed I am still alive as it is. I have to fix this though. It's not going to fix itself. There needs to be a catalyst and I must be that catalyst. I need to light the match and blow the fuse. I will explode and it will be good.

Y2 D203

I want to scream.

I want to grab people by their shoulders and shake them until they open their eyes and see.

I want to take a shotgun and run through the malls shooting everyone and everything that comes across my path.

I want to shove a gun in X2's mouth and make her apologize.

I want to slice open X1 and make her finally look at herself.

I want to beat in psycho bitch's face for stealing from me.

I want to save her from herself.

I want to destroy something beautiful.

I want something beautiful.

I want to hold LO.

I want to be touched.

I want to be left alone.

I want to fuck her until she screams.

I want to be loved.

I want to run until my blood runs with battery acid and then I will run some more.

I want to change. 

I want to be change.

I want to explode.

I want to stop being afraid.

I want to die.

I want to live.

Forgive me.

Help me.

Leave me.

Erase me.

Think I know what you meant that night on my bed. Still picking at this scab, I wish you were dead. Your sweat and Perry Ellis, just stains on my sheets...

Y2 D202

I read an interesting article yesterday comparing and discussing the physical transformations of actors in two recent movies. The article was talking about Christian Bale in The Fighter and Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis in Black Swan. In both cases, all three underwent extreme physical weight loss for their roles. All three of them are being lauded for their performances because of the physical and psychological extremes they endured to become the characters. The interesting part was how both the females got their weight down to under 100 pounds and how WONDERFUL they are looking. There is even a "Black Swan Workout" in Elle magazine. Both actresses agree that they feel they look like hell without their clothes on but that they are looking fantastic in photo shoots and clothing. Bale on the other hand has been called 'sickly', 'emaciated', and in no way is anyone finding him attractive. He lost 50 pounds for the role because the character he plays is a crack addict.

I find this fascinating; it's ok for the females to starve themselves near death in the pursuit of beauty and be rewarded with compliments and kudos where the male is made to feel bad and is being told to gain the weight back immediately.

Why do I find all this so interesting? I weighed in at 146 this weekend. I haven't been this weight in 20+ years. I can't remember when I was under 150 except back in the days when I was doing more coke than a Columbian. I never slept, I never ate, and I weighed around 120 pounds. Now I am close to that same number. This time without the blow. But I still don't sleep. I still don't eat.

I am much happier at this current weight than I ever was at my heaviest. Most people don't realize it was only three and half years ago that I was at 225-230. Before that I got up around 240. My worst was 270. But that was years ago. Regardless, I was over 220 for years. I am short. I was short, fat, and bald. Now I am just short and bald. I don't snore anymore. I don't have problems exercising. I can run five miles without dying. My cholesterol is perfect. My blood pressure is perfect. I can buy clothes off the rack. I am buying smaller clothes than I ever did before.

But why am I doing it now? I could have stopped at 150 or even 160 where everyone told me I looked great, and frankly, I agree. I looked healthy, toned, and normal. But...

It has become a challenge now. I am curious to see how far I can go. Can I get under 140? 130? Will I look like Bale? Will people tell me I look emaciated? Will I die? Is it my way of killing myself slowly so no one notices? If I blow my head off, it's instant and everyone will try to stop me. If I just waste away, it will happen so slow no one will really notice until I am gone. Is this a socially acceptable suicide? Will people look in my casket and say 'well damn at least he looks good'. Can I kill myself in such a quiet manner that it will go under the radar? We shall see...

Y2 D201

Quiet day yesterday. Started on a project I have been meaning to get to for a while. I don't know what prompted me to finally start working on it, but I did. Remember the old steamer trunk I found over the summer? Well I finally started restoring it. Spent most of the day stripping paint and burning the flesh off my hands. I got the majority of paint off yesterday. Need to get some steel wool and finish scraping down the rest of it before I can paint. I am taking the hardware back to chrome because the brass was too rusted in some spots. Then I will paint the trim in some color like red or bright something, then finally paint the rest of the trunk in a high gloss white. I may add a stencil or two before putting a top coat on it, but that's still up in the air. I am really excited about doing this for some weird reason.

I also went to the thrift store as planned yesterday.  I found a wheelchair and globe to be used as props for the show. I got both for $25. Not too shabby. I told my directors I don't want to be reimbursed, instead I want this to go towards my 2011 dues. We are supposed to pay a dollar for any show we work. There are 42 shows in 2011. This should cover me until August. One less thing I have to worry about.

That's it. That was the extent of my day. Talked to my sister, she wants a picture of me and the kid for Christmas. Talked to the kid, told her to remind me to take a picture. Otherwise, no real human contact yesterday.

It's so weird when I think about how many years I spent living with someone else. There has always been someone in the house other than me to talk to or just feel their presence. Now for almost two years, it's just been me. It's odd. It's no wonder I start talking to myself during the day sometimes. Ah the slow descent into madness....

Y2 D200

200 posts this year. I can't believe it. This means in total I have done over 560 posts. That's a lot of writing. That's a lot of raw emotion captured on the page. I don't know if it has accomplished anything sometimes, but other times I know I wouldn't have been able to cope at all had I not been doing this. The main goal of this was a cathartic outlet to keep me sane. In that respect, it has worked. I am still here aren't I?

Got all my errands completed by around 2 yesterday. I was able to nap before heading out with L7. We went and had sushi which was a blast. She enjoys eating weird shit just like me. She is the first person I have met who actually enjoys chicken feet. We all remember J-whatever and the dim sum date, right? The girl had no idea what a chicken foot was, let alone how to eat it. While L7 didn't order anything off the wall, she at least knew what she liked and didn't freak out about other things on the table. Good work woman. Neither one of us really wanted to spend a ton of money after dinner, which was about 2 hours, so we decided to head back to my place and just relax. We opened a small split of champagne I had, and we talked until about 12:30. She then drove home (yes she met me at my place). She is older, 48, and has less expectations about who picks up whom and who drives etc which makes for an interesting time. I have mentioned before how older women are beyond some of that bullshit, which makes for less head games. We honestly just talked for hours. Which of course leads me to wonder -- do I like this woman as a friend (yes) or as a romantic partner (not sure). With the holidays coming, my weekends are shot until January. We may not see each other for a while and that will be good because it will give us both time to figure this out.

Today I am off to the thrift store as they are having a 50% sale. There are a couple of things I am looking for to use for the show. I hope they are still in stock today.

Y2 D199

No one's gonna take me alive. The time has come to make things right.

Had a pretty shitty day yesterday. Some times I hate the fucking internet. Thanks to a link here followed by a link there, guess who I ended seeing on the good ol' interwebs? Yep, her royal highness, bane of my existence, X2. Which sent me into a fucking downward spiral for most of the day. I started thinking of everything I have done wrong, how far I have slid, how fucked up my life is right now. Same ol' same ol'.

Does it ever stop? Do I ever get to be at peace? Do I ever get to, not forget, but at least put the fucking past behind me? Can I move forward into a new place in my life?

Fuck.

Just don't like it. Don't like the feeling. Try to ignore it, but it just overwhelms me some days. Makes me feel so insignificant and so much a fuck up.

I only worked 4 hours yesterday. Because the client needs to hear some feedback on the things I have delivered, we decided instead of me burning hours, I should go bench. I am okay with it because I still ended up the week with about 37 hours.

Out of the list I had yesterday, I cleaned the house, did the dishes, cleaned the pets, bought groceries, and  paid bills. Still need to go to Target and my list for the weekend will be done. I have a date tonight with L7 so I have to get everything done pretty early. I want to be relaxed and ready before we go out. Don't want to stress.

Oh wait, too late....

Y2 D198

Forget the wheel, the hell with fire - man's greatest achievement? Advil. Advil is a wonderful thing. My head is a thumping this morning and only through the saving grace of Advil will I get through this morning. Why the head thumping? Damn cast. Man I love these people. They are probably going to be my salvation and my death at the same time. Went to work yesterday, and thanks to the long day I put in on Wednesday, I had little to do yesterday. I ended up only doing 7 hours. Trade off central, right?

After work I went over to our director's house. I was early because for once there was no traffic. It surprised me since it was raining and I expected to be late. Anyway, first one there, but it was ok. We were there to build things and the time was really kind of arbitrary. It just meant I started drinking earlier than I planned. Got there around 6:30, left at 11. Drank an entire bottle of wine followed by three Campari and sodas. Then I drove home. In the rain. Over a winding hill. Yep. I is smart. S-M-R-T!

Obviously I made it home safe because I doubt they have Internet in Hell. Although it would explain a lot.

I am snarky today. I really did have a good time last night. Today is a few hours of work, then an eye appointment. From there, the list starts:

- clean house
- get wrapping paper
- get a couple more presents for kid
- laundry
- bills
- groceries
- pet cleaning
- sundries at target

I think that's it for tonight. Tomorrow will be thrift store, followed by some more errand things then my date at 7. It's going to be a long yet wonderful weekend...

Y2 D197

Is this week over yet? I am so tired. I will totally sleep in this weekend. No shows, no plans, no nothing. Except for a dinner date on Saturday, house cleaning, a trip to the thrift store, grocery shopping, bill paying, eye doctor, ok, I have a ton of shit to do this weekend. Didn't think I had that much to do until I started thinking about it. But fine, I will go to bed early! Yeah, right.

Yesterday during work was a little frustrating. I got in normal time and there was an email from the PM on the project with the next set of changes on the reports. They were all what she considered 'minor' changes. No, they were all pixel by pixel alignment issues that no one is ever going to really care about. BUT I wasn't going to argue because it keeps me billable. In her email she wanted to have everything done by EOD yesterday. I told her that shouldn't be a problem and dove in to the changes. Yeah. 10.5 hours later I had them all done. I stayed until all the changes were finished to be the good little consultant. I sent her the final package near 5:30 and what do I get? An out of office reply saying she is gone until Monday. Nice. So I could have worked a normal day, not stressed, and finished them today because it didn't matter anyway. Ugh. This is why business people drive me nuts sometimes. They make everything seem so urgent and important when in reality it isn't.

After work, I hit Target to pick something up for tonight's thing. I am headed over to my director's house to build kits for upcoming shows. It's going to be a PJ party (using party loosely), and I needed a pair of PJs. I got a super cheap pair that are fun, functional, and cozy. I will be wearing these suckers more than once. Had a burger at a local place which I have been craving, came home, did a couple of things, chatted with a friend via video chat (which is a weird thing unto itself). Watched 2 more episodes of Always Sunny, went to bed. Still exhausted though. Some day, and this day may never come, I will sleep like a normal person. One can dream...

Y2 D196

Did nothing yesterday of any note. Went to work, came home. Started watching Always Sunny. Made it through the first season and 3 episodes into season two. I should be able to finish the second season tonight. Other that than that? Nothing. Nada. Nil. Boring. Alone. Nobody even called me or texted me to see what I was doing last night. Kind of sad. Didn't even chat with anyone online. I have $37 in the bank to last me the next 48 hours. I have no food in the house to make a real meal with, nothing but water to drink, and I am almost out of smokes. This is going to be a very stressful 48 hours if I have nothing. Some clients have subsidized soda, juice, etc. Not this one. Full on full price vending machines only. I have some teabags left, but I am saving those for the kid when she is here. I did get a generic invite to the second memorial for my brother from his wife. I say generic because it went out to everyone in her contact list. She even admitted it in her email. Would have been nice to receive a personal call since I am family. I don't know if I will go or not. Mostly because I can't afford to make the trip, but also because I don't like to go where I am not wanted. If I did go, I would fly up the Friday before, visit friends, then head to the memorial on Saturday and fly back Saturday night so I could make a show. But I am also supposed to pick the kid up on Saturday morning. My brother won't be at the memorial. He is already in the ground and I won't know any of the people there. It seems like an awful lot of time and money and disappointment to the kid just for me to go up for 36 hours. Not really worth it. BUT it would also piss off my sister in law to no end if I did show up and I would have a chance to visit some friends including N. She lives near there now and it would be nice to see her. I don't know. I have a few days to make a decision. I will figure it out. L7 the new one I went out with Sunday wants to go out Saturday. Have to think about that one.

Y2 D195

I wish I could say I was doing okay but I am not. I am very troubled right now. I am very unhappy. I am unhappy with work, my love life (or lack thereof), my body, my financial situation, my everything. I am just not fucking happy right now. Sometimes I wish I could have faked it better. Then I would still be married. Then I would still be 'living the life'. At least on the surface things would have been fine. I had too many moments yesterday where I was thinking about X2 and everything I have lost. I think it's due in part to Christmas. I haven't been this worried about Christmas in 20 years. And that's what gets me. It's one thing to be stressed out and worried when you are in your 20s. When you are my age you're not supposed to be this stressed about things. I'm not going to lie, of course I wonder how she is doing. Is she going through even a fraction of the same issues or does she have some magical way of suppressing and hiding that I have yet to learn? Or is it that she got to walk away clean and start over fresh while I have so much from the past attached to me like toilet paper on the shoe? Can I ever let go? This is why I think of moving away. Not like last time where I just went back to where I started but move away for good. Where no one knows me. Where I can have a clean slate. Is that possible? I can't do it yet though. While I applaud the kid's decision on school I do wish in some ways she was going off to a normal college thousands of miles away. Then I could be free sooner. Yes, that's a horrible thing to say, but it's true. Doesn't make me a bad person either. I want MY chance to be free. I watch both my ex-wives get to abandon everybody and everything to make themselves happy and yet I have to keep going. I have to be the strong one when inside I am falling apart. Erase me.

Y2 D194

Yesterday I was lamenting the loss of my old life. But then I remembered, I wasn't happy then either. Have I ever been happy? Have I ever truly been at peace?

Don't look so frightened this is just a passing phase one of my bad days...

Yeah, I am in one of those kind of moods again. Not sure why. Stress of the holidays? Well not stress, the loneliness of the season maybe? I don't know. Too much time spent inside my own head last night?

Went out yesterday for a little while. Dropped off a cupcake for a friend for their birthday then headed out to meet my date. At least I think it was a date? That was part of the problem. We met online and while there was no immediate physical lust, we started to get to know each other via email and found we had a lot in common and we could really talk. The only reason I went yesterday was to see if I could overcome the lack of physical connection because I am also desperately seeking an emotional connection with another human being. We ended up talking for 2 hours at a coffee shop, But I still left there feeling empty. I might have found a new friend or someone I can chat with on occasion but that's about it. I think that's why I came home and crawled back inside my head.

Am I normal? Do other people spend this much time alone? If Hollywood were my example for these things then I am nothing but a freak. A lonely pathetic freak. I don't like this. I once again am trying so hard to find the connection without wanting to settle. Hell at this point I would take some bit of settling if it just gave me the connection. I am tired of all this. Say goodbye to all of this and say hello to oblivion. 

I just want something I can never have....

Y2 D193

Ok, day two of sleeping until 11. My body is trying to tell me something. Maybe I need to stop running around until 4am?? Nah...

Daytime was uneventful. Cleaned the house as planned. Made cupcakes. The only really interesting thing was a text from LO. She graduates in two weeks. She wants me to come to the party. I thought that was pretty cool. Until she says 'so I showed your picture to my mom. she thinks you are really cute'. After a bit of back and forth it comes out she is trying to fix me up with her mother. Odd much? Oh you know I will go and meet her mom just for the weirdness factor. But other than that, I would never pursue it. It would just weird me out. I would be looking at things going 'huh, I know that looked better 20 years ago...'. Yeah ok that was bad, sue me...

The show was insane last night. Turns out a homeless guy rifled through our props stored on the side of the theater. He stole a bunch of our prop covers, someone broke one of the chairs, and things were just fucked up. We were doing last minute fixes, trying to find replacement items, etc. We still pulled off a good show, but it was some serious stressing the whole night. I think overall we did ok, but man, don't want a repeat of that any time soon.

Today I am supposed to go ice skating and then meet this woman I met online for coffee. Let's see how both of those things go....

Y2 D192

Holy crap, it's 11??? I slept until 11?? Granted I didn't get home until 2, but wow. I slept. I actually slept!

Amazing. I guess my body decided it was time to give up and rest. I woke up expecting maybe 7 or 8 not 11. Cool. Good thing I have nothing to do today except a show tonight. I think. Better check the calendar....

Nope. Calendar is clean. Nice.

So yesterday, I didn't do much during the day. Went to work. Got some nice news. I heard from our VP of sales asking how I thought everything was going at the client. I hate that because it's always such an open question and sometimes I can't read clients as well as I would like. In this case I erred on the side of caution. I was like, well I think it's going ok... He responded with 'the client is ecstatic with you'. Whew. That's good to know. I have been asked to do more work. I should be at this same location through January now. Another almost two months I don't have to worry about. Need to make sure I don't do anything to screw up at the client. Can't get cocky.

After work I went home and prepped a dessert to bring over to a friend's house. Him and his wife invited me over for dinner. I think they were feeling a little bad for me given my brother issue and at the same time, just wanted to socialize. I am cool with that. They are a young freshly married couple. I remember being like them 10 years ago. First real apartment with joint stuff, thinking about kids, all the trappings of domestic life. Thank goodness they are cast people. That should keep them from slipping into the Pottery Barn normal people zone. She is learning how to make latex dresses and he likes to crossdress. I don't think they are in any danger of becoming normal any time soon. My kind of people.

She made a wonderful lasagna, roasted garlic cloves, and steamed veggies. I made a stacked cookie and orange cream dessert. We had a nice bottle of Syrah I brought with me and then her and I went through a bottle of vodka having lemon martinis while he went through a 1/4 jug of rum with rum and coke. Oh yeah, we had fun. We just sat around talking about everything and nothing. It was good to feel like I was in my 20s having one of those poor people stay at home Friday night. Because frankly I am poor people these days and shouldn't be out running around. Left their place around 1 even though they offered to let me crash on their floor. That was nice. They wanted to pull out the air mattress. Thought that was cute. But I left. I was mostly sober at that point and headed home. They don't live that far away and the weather was okay. Made it home in one piece.

Today I clean the house and have call time in 11 hours. Maybe tonight I will find a stray....

Y2 D191

Running on about 2.5 hours of sleep today again. This time it was because I did not want to go home. I thought the other day was about my brother, but in reality it was an excuse to go out and drink with a free pass. Last night was about my brother.

Work was uneventful during the day. Did my stuff and headed home. On the way home, my boss called me. He wanted to make sure I wasn't going to try and get out of going to the holiday dinner. Damn. I told him I wasn't sure because I just wasn't in a party mode. He then hit me from all angles; first it was how I shouldn't be home alone and could probably use a night out (true), then he hit me with I could ride up with his wife so I didn't have to worry about gas or parking (another concern), and finally he hit me with everyone is going to be there (and there was about 90% employee attendance). Fine. I caved. I drove over to his house around 5:30. He was already in the city because of a meeting which is why I went with his wife. It took us an hour to get up there and from minute one we were talking about my brother. That started  the night off for me. Had me in an interesting mood before we even got to the restaurant. We get there and pretty much the whole night, everyone is asking me about my brother. One of my co-worker's his wife worked in the same unit as my brother and believes she may have evaluated him for his transplant. How freaky was that. I was so messed up in the head, I didn't even eat. I passed on every appetizer, didn't touch the salad course, took two bites of the halibut I ordered, and skipped dessert completely. I just didn't feel like eating. Around 9, I knew I wasn't ready to go home. I was supposed to ride home with my boss but I texted a friend that I know is a DJ at a club nearby. I asked if he would give me a ride home when he got off work. Little did I know off work even on a Thursday meant 2:30am. I also had no idea what kind of club he worked at.

He texted me back telling me no problem, I am on the guest list, just walk right up. Which I did. There was a line but I walked right up and said I am so and so, I am on the DJs list. Voila. In the door, no cover, drink ticket. Done and done.

I found my friend and after talking with him for a while started checking out the club. I was in a gay 18+ dance club. Holy hell. These were kids. I mean serious kids. The best parts of the night? Watching single  20 year old girls dance and act insane when they think there are no straight guys watching them. That was the best part by far. Next were the two lesbians grinding and simulating two feet in front of me for 1/2 hour because they assumed I was gay. It was like skinemax for free. I mean there was tongue and boob and woof. The sucky part was every girl thinking I was gay. I did meet a couple of 22 year old college girls outside at one point who were blown away I was straight in that club. When I explained the DJ was a friend and I was waiting for a ride home, they were like showing me off to their friends like they found some rare diamond in the rough. I did get felt up by a couple of different guys which was odd since they were so young and in comparison to the room, I was ancient. Bizarre fucking night. I will say I was amused to know I knew three of the songs played last night. I didn't know whether to be proud or sad.

We left around 2:30 and by the time I got home it was 3:15. Passed out on the couch for two and half hours and here I am at work again.

Having dinner and drinks at a friend's house tonight. This should be fun. They are friends from cast and this will be the first time we have hung out socially. I am looking forward to it as they are a sweet couple.

Y2 D190

Went back to work yesterday. Not very exciting. The client was surprised I was back already. I told him honestly I can't keep sitting around the house at this point. He understood. It was true -- not much left to do here. I don't want to clean house until Saturday mainly to keep myself busy this weekend, and I don't have any money left in the bank until the 10th. Might as well go to work to fill 10 hours of my day.

Ordered the kid's presents last night. Had $205 in gift cards, spent $211. For $6 she is getting nine gifts including 2 necklaces, a CD, and some books she wanted. I ordered myself one gift but it's for the house and she can share it with me. I also had enough points on another site where I got a $25 bookstore gift card. I will wrap that up and give it to her too.

Little stressed about money right now. I am tight until the 10th and I have no one to blame but myself. I shouldn't have gone out Monday night. I knew better but I wanted so badly to go out and try to drown my sorrows over my brother. I needed a night of what I felt was normalcy. But now I am on the wire for a week. Need to be very careful.

Along those lines, tonight is the company holiday dinner. I don't know if I can go because I am not sure I can afford the gas money. Plain and simple. Plus parking. Plus an hour plus of driving since it is in the city at 6:30 which means I need to leave here by 5. I told our admin I am tentative. I also don't know if I want to be around people who don't know. I am going to play it by ear.

Y2 D189

I realized yesterday I am jealous of my dead brother. How pathetic is that? Not because he's dead, I am not getting melancholy or depressed, it's because of what I saw and heard at the funeral. I realized my brother had the normal life I never had. He never dealt with a mother dying, a step-father abusing him, drug use, living on his own as a teenager, struggling to make sense of things. He had a true Norman Rockwell life, that was granted, ended too short. I was listening to everyone talk about him on Monday - his high school days of football and cars and drinking beer. His college days of being part of a fraternity. His life with his wife and kids. He was so fucking normal. Why did our mother not give me up for adoption and give me to a rich doctor? He had friends and family that loved him. He was never alone like this.

So I envy my dead brother and the life he left behind.

I took yesterday off. I needed one day to myself. Just a day to sit around the house and do nothing. I am back to work today. Back to acting like I care about things I don't care about. I did hear yesterday from the journalist who interviewed me recently. The article on food will be coming out on the 8th or the 15th. I am looking forward to reading it and seeing my name in print for a positive reason.

So cold here. Lit a fire yesterday to try and keep warm but no matter what I did, I will constantly shivering. One downside to losing weight is I don't have that extra layer of fat to keep me warm any more. Chilled to the bone is no longer just an expression for me. Talked with the kid last night. She is counting the hours until she is back for Christmas break. She will have presents under the tree. I have managed to secure almost $200 in Amazon gift cards through all the survey sites I participate on to use for her for presents. At least one of us will have stuff under the tree. I don't really care of I have anything under there to be honest. I am getting used to not having anything.

Off to work.