Y2 D195

I wish I could say I was doing okay but I am not. I am very troubled right now. I am very unhappy. I am unhappy with work, my love life (or lack thereof), my body, my financial situation, my everything. I am just not fucking happy right now. Sometimes I wish I could have faked it better. Then I would still be married. Then I would still be 'living the life'. At least on the surface things would have been fine. I had too many moments yesterday where I was thinking about X2 and everything I have lost. I think it's due in part to Christmas. I haven't been this worried about Christmas in 20 years. And that's what gets me. It's one thing to be stressed out and worried when you are in your 20s. When you are my age you're not supposed to be this stressed about things. I'm not going to lie, of course I wonder how she is doing. Is she going through even a fraction of the same issues or does she have some magical way of suppressing and hiding that I have yet to learn? Or is it that she got to walk away clean and start over fresh while I have so much from the past attached to me like toilet paper on the shoe? Can I ever let go? This is why I think of moving away. Not like last time where I just went back to where I started but move away for good. Where no one knows me. Where I can have a clean slate. Is that possible? I can't do it yet though. While I applaud the kid's decision on school I do wish in some ways she was going off to a normal college thousands of miles away. Then I could be free sooner. Yes, that's a horrible thing to say, but it's true. Doesn't make me a bad person either. I want MY chance to be free. I watch both my ex-wives get to abandon everybody and everything to make themselves happy and yet I have to keep going. I have to be the strong one when inside I am falling apart. Erase me.