Y2 D194

Yesterday I was lamenting the loss of my old life. But then I remembered, I wasn't happy then either. Have I ever been happy? Have I ever truly been at peace?

Don't look so frightened this is just a passing phase one of my bad days...

Yeah, I am in one of those kind of moods again. Not sure why. Stress of the holidays? Well not stress, the loneliness of the season maybe? I don't know. Too much time spent inside my own head last night?

Went out yesterday for a little while. Dropped off a cupcake for a friend for their birthday then headed out to meet my date. At least I think it was a date? That was part of the problem. We met online and while there was no immediate physical lust, we started to get to know each other via email and found we had a lot in common and we could really talk. The only reason I went yesterday was to see if I could overcome the lack of physical connection because I am also desperately seeking an emotional connection with another human being. We ended up talking for 2 hours at a coffee shop, But I still left there feeling empty. I might have found a new friend or someone I can chat with on occasion but that's about it. I think that's why I came home and crawled back inside my head.

Am I normal? Do other people spend this much time alone? If Hollywood were my example for these things then I am nothing but a freak. A lonely pathetic freak. I don't like this. I once again am trying so hard to find the connection without wanting to settle. Hell at this point I would take some bit of settling if it just gave me the connection. I am tired of all this. Say goodbye to all of this and say hello to oblivion. 

I just want something I can never have....