Y2 D202

I read an interesting article yesterday comparing and discussing the physical transformations of actors in two recent movies. The article was talking about Christian Bale in The Fighter and Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis in Black Swan. In both cases, all three underwent extreme physical weight loss for their roles. All three of them are being lauded for their performances because of the physical and psychological extremes they endured to become the characters. The interesting part was how both the females got their weight down to under 100 pounds and how WONDERFUL they are looking. There is even a "Black Swan Workout" in Elle magazine. Both actresses agree that they feel they look like hell without their clothes on but that they are looking fantastic in photo shoots and clothing. Bale on the other hand has been called 'sickly', 'emaciated', and in no way is anyone finding him attractive. He lost 50 pounds for the role because the character he plays is a crack addict.

I find this fascinating; it's ok for the females to starve themselves near death in the pursuit of beauty and be rewarded with compliments and kudos where the male is made to feel bad and is being told to gain the weight back immediately.

Why do I find all this so interesting? I weighed in at 146 this weekend. I haven't been this weight in 20+ years. I can't remember when I was under 150 except back in the days when I was doing more coke than a Columbian. I never slept, I never ate, and I weighed around 120 pounds. Now I am close to that same number. This time without the blow. But I still don't sleep. I still don't eat.

I am much happier at this current weight than I ever was at my heaviest. Most people don't realize it was only three and half years ago that I was at 225-230. Before that I got up around 240. My worst was 270. But that was years ago. Regardless, I was over 220 for years. I am short. I was short, fat, and bald. Now I am just short and bald. I don't snore anymore. I don't have problems exercising. I can run five miles without dying. My cholesterol is perfect. My blood pressure is perfect. I can buy clothes off the rack. I am buying smaller clothes than I ever did before.

But why am I doing it now? I could have stopped at 150 or even 160 where everyone told me I looked great, and frankly, I agree. I looked healthy, toned, and normal. But...

It has become a challenge now. I am curious to see how far I can go. Can I get under 140? 130? Will I look like Bale? Will people tell me I look emaciated? Will I die? Is it my way of killing myself slowly so no one notices? If I blow my head off, it's instant and everyone will try to stop me. If I just waste away, it will happen so slow no one will really notice until I am gone. Is this a socially acceptable suicide? Will people look in my casket and say 'well damn at least he looks good'. Can I kill myself in such a quiet manner that it will go under the radar? We shall see...