Y2 D189

I realized yesterday I am jealous of my dead brother. How pathetic is that? Not because he's dead, I am not getting melancholy or depressed, it's because of what I saw and heard at the funeral. I realized my brother had the normal life I never had. He never dealt with a mother dying, a step-father abusing him, drug use, living on his own as a teenager, struggling to make sense of things. He had a true Norman Rockwell life, that was granted, ended too short. I was listening to everyone talk about him on Monday - his high school days of football and cars and drinking beer. His college days of being part of a fraternity. His life with his wife and kids. He was so fucking normal. Why did our mother not give me up for adoption and give me to a rich doctor? He had friends and family that loved him. He was never alone like this.

So I envy my dead brother and the life he left behind.

I took yesterday off. I needed one day to myself. Just a day to sit around the house and do nothing. I am back to work today. Back to acting like I care about things I don't care about. I did hear yesterday from the journalist who interviewed me recently. The article on food will be coming out on the 8th or the 15th. I am looking forward to reading it and seeing my name in print for a positive reason.

So cold here. Lit a fire yesterday to try and keep warm but no matter what I did, I will constantly shivering. One downside to losing weight is I don't have that extra layer of fat to keep me warm any more. Chilled to the bone is no longer just an expression for me. Talked with the kid last night. She is counting the hours until she is back for Christmas break. She will have presents under the tree. I have managed to secure almost $200 in Amazon gift cards through all the survey sites I participate on to use for her for presents. At least one of us will have stuff under the tree. I don't really care of I have anything under there to be honest. I am getting used to not having anything.

Off to work.