Y4 D36

One, two, three, almost, come on, you can do it, right there, damn, nope, so close. Five hours and three, almost four orgasms for her, zero for me. Yeah, I know. Guilt. Nerves. Wait correction. Since I started typing this she woke up. So the new count would be 4.5 for her thank you very much. She wanted to sleep, but hey you know how it goes. Naked, morning, why waste it?

All in all, yesterday was a pretty fucking awesome day. I have to say it goes down as one of the better one in recent history. The morning saw a brow appointment, followed by a five hour meeting with a new client. The best part of that meeting was when one of the client's people asked what my role was as this was the first time they had met me and I threw down my business card with ROCKSTAR in bold fucking letters. We are doing a POC for this client meaning everything is fast, dirty, rough... shit am I confusing the later part of the day with the client? Heh. Well I guess there are some similarities.

After the meeting with the client, I headed to the train station and headed downtown to check into the hotel and see if I could kill some of my nerves with Vodka. It did it's job. I bought a bottle of Cotton Candy at Safeway with a whole lot of Rockstars. Thank god as I needed those later in the day/night.

Oh shit, back up. Before I left, my new Disney Pin order arrived. I didn't have much time to go through them but it looks like I got about 45 new ones bringing the big board total to 548. Yeah bitches. Plus I will have about 80 to bring with me in two weeks to the park. I will break 600 before the middle of July.

Okay, so I am downtown, walking around killing time before the show, and my boss calls. I had asked for a salary increase to help cover my rent increase. After a good discussion we settled on a 1.5% raise, plus a $1000 gift card. See, it's easier for them to write off gifts rather than cash. It was pretty funny; he was asking do I need anything - tablet, laptop. I'm like, no I am actually good right now. Funny enough.  He laughed and asked 'do i have the right person? Did I dial a wrong number?'.

Then I went to the opera. We had a little pre-opera texting to warm things up. The opera itself? Enjoyable. Act I was long and a bit annoying, but I had a second row aisle seat, the sound was good, the production itself well acted and costumed, so all in all no complaints. Act II was much better not only because it was shorter, I just found it more entertaining.

After the show she had to shut down and then we headed back to the hotel. We actually talked for a while as I wanted to know what was going on, where we stood, what this was all about, etc. Yes I was being a girl. Sue me. We had a couple of drinks and then the fun started. We went at it from about midnight until 3 when she let me sleep for about 45 minutes. Next thing I know it's 4:30. We both finally sleep until 7 and then go at it again. Finally a shower and then done.

We WILL see each other again. I promised her I will leave my guilt and nerves at home. The guilt comes from the status of her relationship. I feel weird as she is still trying to reconcile with her husband, she has multiple partners right now, and we need to keep emotions in check for now. That's hard for me. I am an emotional guy. Keeping my emotions at bay is a challenge. Everything I do has emotion attached. But she is not there. She wants sex. I do too, don't get me wrong, but there's a certain amount of emotion in my mind that comes with that. Age I guess. Or more because I know her and have liked her for a while? I don't know. I do know that I need to let it go if I have a chance of sleeping with her again. Which I want to do.

Heading home on the train now. Show tonight.

Y4 D35

Bippidee boppidee boo bitches...

Hi.

Still amusing myself.

It's fun in here. Fuzzy. Warm. Oddly familiar. Smells good too. I was on hold yesterday as expected which allowed me to by 9:30am:

- dye my hair
- do dishes
- vacuum
- make cheeseburger mac and cheese
- clean the bathroom

Not too shabby eh? I did have to do a little work yesterday but not enough to stress over. Today I have an onsite meeting with a new client from 9-2. Have to be pretty for that. Oh wait, I am always pretty.

Played a shit ton of Diablo yesterday. Killed Ghom. Yay me. Started a new character. I want to get all the achievements (bite me Blizzard) and that means playing with all classes at some point. Did I mention I ordered pins for my upcoming trip by the way? I managed to score 100 for 57. Not bad. That should allow me to bring about 60 with me on my trip. We nailed down our trip 7/8 - 7/11. Two days in the park, one day in Hollywood, one day in my old town. So anyway, played Diablo. Went to the store and bought a new shirt both for tonight and for this client. I needed a dress shirt that didn't have stains, holes, or looked too tight. I am fucking fat right now. I need to drop 20-30 again. It's so much harder with the kid in the house because she wants to eat. When I was alone it was easier to skip meals. But now I cook because she's here. Fuck it. When I get back from vacation no eating for me. One month of starvation. Back to diet pills and rockstar. Must. Be. Pretty. That's my next tattoo I am getting. On my side, coffin with a banner wrapped around that says 'Leave a Pretty Corpse'. Yep. I love the irony. It amuses me. I only paid $20 for the shirt at Macy's. Some big sale. Regular price was $50, on sale for $20. Okay. I can deal with that. Came back. Watched X-Files. Played Diablo. Went to bed.

I packed yesterday too for tonight. Important stuff - condoms, lube, nipple clamps, vibrator, tape, candles, cuffs, chains - you know, the necessities. Look for the bare necessities the simple bare necessities of life...

I am actually a bit nervous about tonight. I don't want to have issues because nice guy gets in the way of what she wants. Nice guy must go away tonight. Thank fucking god for vodka...

Y4 D34

Everybody sing with me:

Special hell, special hell, I'm going to the special hell. It's so warm, it's so nice, don't have to ask me twice!

Hahahahahaha. Amusing myself.

Why the amusement? Because I am getting laid tomorrow night. No, this isn't wishful thinking or hoping I am getting laid. I am getting laid. When a woman says certain things it's pretty clear what her intentions are for the situation. See below...

And how did all this come about one may ask? Let me tell you boys and girls...

Tomorrow night I am going to the opera. Yes, the opera. My friend who I mentioned is in town from Portland for the summer is the stage manager for a production. To support her, be her friend, get a chance to hang out with her, etc I asked her if it would be cool if I came to one of the performances. That was a week or so ago. On Tuesday I double checked with her if it was still cool if I came to the show. She said yes. Yesterday I bought my ticket for the Friday night performance. They are a non-profit theater group and as someone who knows what that is like, I was okay with spending the $30 on a ticket. I mentioned to her in chat that I bought my ticket and I was thinking about taking the train instead of driving. I asked her if she might be able to give me a ride home afterwards as I would probably miss the last train. I also mentioned I might get a hotel room that way I don't have to stress if she wanted to go get a drink or whatever after the show. She said she should be able to drive me home. Okay, cool.

Four hours later (I checked the chat logs), she responds with 'I could be 100% convinced to stay the night if you did get a room'. Um, done and done? We flirted for a bit, innuendos a flying, and at one point I said 'if you're exhausted after the show, you can relax, take a bath, have some champagne, a massage, and then whatever.' Her response: 'after the show I think I want to be pushed up against something and fucked.' Damn. That is pretty straight forward. I said that I was trying to be a gentleman, but am happy to work that way too. I loved her response 'I already know you're a gentleman, now show me you're a man.' Getting laid tomorrow night kids. Luckily I had enough points that the hotel isn't costing me anything really. I had to use some cash and points, but yeah it will be worth it. We all pay for sex in one form or another and for me that's a theater ticket and a hotel room. I am good with that.

Now there is some pressure here to perform, but I am sure I can rise to the challenge. Still amusing myself...

I did other things too yesterday. Um... oh I worked more. I did finish up all of the final QA changes for the reports. Which means that unless some weird shit is found today, I am idle. I feel pretty confident I took care of everything last night, but there could still be one or two little formatting or display issues today. Nothing that should cause me any stress.

The kid had a donut date with her XBF. He then hung out and watched Lilo and Stitch with her. I think those two are FWBs at this point. Whatever. They want to bang, let them bang. Not my place. She gets knocked up I will kick his ass, but as long as everyone is safe, let the whole house get laid! Yeah, I know, Father of the Year. At least she is safe and happy. I heard him leave around 11 or 11:30 last night. Again, as long as she is safe and happy who cares. I am going to spend the night in a hotel tomorrow to get laid so I cannot judge. That was my day. And remember:

MAY I NEVER BE COMPLETE. MAY I NEVER BE CONTENT. MAY I NEVER BE PERFECT.

Y4 D33

Worked really late last night. Up until about 11:30. But this morning I have one thing left on my plate for this round and that should only take me an hour or two. Then I am free from this client for a while. I just need to hang on for about a week and a half and I am on vacation. Granted it won't be much of a vacation unfortunately. But my group stuff is paying off in a way.

I have been stressing because originally I was going to spend a whole week out of town, in Disneyland, hanging with friends, etc. Because of the IRS shit, that plan got scrapped. Then I found out I couldn't afford a hotel room for the time I wanted to go without the money I was hoping for from the state. Well yesterday I was all pissy about it because I am down to the wire for making reservations and stuff. And I started to distort in my head and get all defeatist and depressed. But THEN I used one of the techniques in the book that I have learned and bam, I went from anger and frustration to finding a compromise which while I am not 100% happy, I am certainly not as upset as I was. In the end I will still be able to go away but only for four days. This is okay. I can handle this. Not what I wanted, but in the end it's probably better for me financially. A compromise. Now I am still taking the whole week off,  but I will just chill at home for three days and use the time to rearrange furniture, finish a painting project I have wanted to start, and relax. See? Good compromise.

After dealing with that in the morning I started working. All day. Until 4:30 when I went to group. We were down to four of us. The first week had 8, second week had 10, but now there is just 4. You can tell who is serious about it and who isn't. I personally am enjoying being able to open up about things in a room of non-judgmental people. People who in their own way are as fucked up as me. We discussed social interactions and support yesterday. We had to fill out this chart for each type of social need a person has with names of people and if that was enough, not enough, or none. On one hand for the boxes I was able to fill in, I was happy. On the other though, there were four empty boxes on the sheet. Not just one or two people, empty. That sucked. But those four boxes all had one thing in common; they all related to the type of person one would consider a significant other. It's no wonder mine were blank. Meh. Someday. Or maybe not. It doesn't matter any more.

Got home about 7:30, made dinner, then at 8:30 got back to working. Now to finish up this last one thing on my plate.

Y4 D32

Told you I was going to go heads down yesterday and make up my work slackage. I worked until almost 8pm last night with just a couple of small interruptions. One of them to get the kid food at the store. Otherwise, I knocked out my stuff, got back on track, and today can breathe a little easier. As of this second, I am now in waiting mode with only a few things to do this morning. Totally worth the stress of last night. Which means, not much to mention this morning. At least not as far as things going on. What I will mention is a thought I had last night around 9 or 10. I was very tired from working and frustrated with everything. The thought popped into my head like jello in a cup...

Some people are adrenaline junkies - you know people who don't feel alive unless they are jumping out of a plane or climbing a rock face. They need that possibility of death to make them feel more alive. I have determined I am an irresponsibility junkie. I truly feel alive when I am doing things I am not supposed to be doing. Begging off work, wearing the 'wrong' clothes, piercings, tattoos, all those things that I am not supposed to do make me feel alive. Stupid, huh? But I won't lie. It's true. I feel the happiest when I am doing something society deems morally or socially wrong. Not illegal mind you. Just the 'oh you can't do that' kind of thing. Maybe this is something to discuss in therapy tonight. Try to figure out where it comes from in my head.

That's it boys and girls. Nothing else going on today. We now return you to your regularly scheduled stupidity...

Y4 D31

As promised today is a twofer. We shall start with Saturday. In the day I didn't do much. The kid worked in the morning so I didn't have a car and that limited some of my options. I used it as an excuse to have a marathon Diablo session. Finished up act 2. Two more to go. She got home around 2 and then around 3:30 we headed over to our friend's house for the party. Since we were planning on spending the night and needed stuff for the parade of Sunday we both packed half the house it felt like. Seriously, I went to Europe with less luggage. On the way we stopped and had some lunch. By the time we got there it was about 5. The night was pretty fun. All in all there were probably 12-15 people there with 5 of us who were staying. We played Cards Against Humanity, drank, laughed, etc. About 11 most folks headed home, our hosts went to bed, as did the kid. That left four of us awake and bored in the living room. We ended up having one of those not quite drunk, but not tired enough to sleep kind of conversations. Just talking abut nothing in particular. Finally we ended up falling asleep around 3. See, I told you Saturday wasn't very exciting.

Sunday was fun. We were up around 6:30 and started getting into costume for the parade. We all went in full show costumes which is why we had to get up so early. We left for the city about 8:30. Since we were taking public transportation it took almost an hour to get in. We then spent the next 4 hours walking up and down the street handing out flyers. This was my second year doing the parade and I knew what to expect. For a couple people it was their first year and they were amazed at how many people stopped us to take our picture. We had people asking us to sign things, pose with them, kisses, hugs, etc. This is why it took four hours to do the equivalent of what should have been a 1/2 hour walk.  The people I met on Thursday ended up hanging out with us for a while and they too were blown away by how we were treated. The girl at one point was like 'you guys are rockstars'. Yes, yes we are.

Got back home around 4 and the kid headed off to work. I should have worked but I was so tired and had to get cleaned up that I just couldn't get into it. She left for work around 6:30 and I took a long shower and was in bed by nine. I woke up this morning to a text from the kid from around midnight saying she was coming home early as she threw up at work. I don't know the details yet, but I am a little worried. I think it was just the day and exhaustion but we will see.

Today I need to work heads down. I have two major goals and need to hit them or else.

Y4 D30

So apparently I fucked up last night and scared someone by just being me. Okay a loud drunk over agressive me, but still just being me. We are at a friend's house right now because we spent the night to all go into the city together for the parade. There was booze a flowing and it seems this got me into trouble. I don't know the details but whatever. Take me for what I am people.

Yesterday in general was nothing exciting and I will do a two day post tomorrow because other people are waking up and I don't want the world reading over my shoulder.

Y4 D29

It's morning. All over. I am doing okay. I have some guilt but I will work through it. Guilt about work. I need to get some stuff done before Monday morning and I am not behaving well right now. Summertime angst? Because I have so many friends in college, graduating from college, teachers, etc, their summertime laziness is rubbing off on me which is not good. I need to get through the next couple of weeks like a pro before I can relax.

Why all the angst? Mostly because I lost Thursday and then I was too hungover yesterday to anything real. I did some stuff but not enough to feel good about myself. On the personal side things were okay. I had that lunch date where be both agreed we are better as friends than as a couple. That was good.

The kid had an excellent day. There is this company she has been a member of their online community since day one like 5 years ago and yesterday they rewarded her and 9 other users with a special user appreciation day. These are the top ten involved, dedicated, long time users. It's not uncommon for a company to send good users/clients gifts or treat them to a lunch kind of thing, but what this company did is through the roof. Not only did they take them to lunch, they gave each of them a $1000 gift bag. It had a $250 purse, $600 in gift cards from different stores, $300 in makeup, clothes, sunglasses, perfume... yeah. She came home walking on air. She got to meet the COO, the CEO, multiple engineers and product people, and had a great time. she also really wants to work for this company and is going to talk to them on Monday about an internship.

I went in the evening to get a manicure for tomorrow's parade with a friend and then at 10 the kid and I went and saw Brave. LOVED IT. So awesome. So wonderful. Must date a redhead now. Sorry, that's the way it is.

We are going to a friend's house at 3 today and spending the night so we can all go into the city tomorrow for the parade together. I need to get everything together today. This is going to be work.

Y4 D28

Hello, special Hell? It's me. I am ready to come home now...

I woke up this morning on a strange couch, in a strange apartment, with strangers. Yay me. I had blood on my hands, I just found a bruise on my stomach, and I am pretty black after about 8pm. I know at some point I got denied admission to a club because I was too drunk. Sweet.

Okay let's back up. I got up yesterday morning and worked for a while. I then took the train into the city to meet a friend for some shopping for Sunday. Sunday is Pride Parade and we are all going in costume/show clothes to hand out flyers and promote the show. I needed some things to go with the outfit I am wearing and agreed to meet a friend for lunch and she would help me pick stuff out. Sounds simple enough, right? Yeah, see paragraph one...

We went to lunch and had way too many pear martinis. From there we ended up at this one store and started chatting with the manager. 26, super fucking cute, and she shared with us that the store is closing soon because the owner is done. The owner is a world famous designer who is retiring at 82 and doesn't want to sell her name off to one of the big companies. I applaud her for that. BUT since it's not really public knowledge the stores are closing I will be good and not share the name at this time. Anyway, we had fun talking to her and told her we would be back for this one thing if we didn't find anything else. From there we hit the irish pub and amused all the lunchtime workers. They were all eating fish and chips and having like one pint when we ordered our SECOND round of double vodkas.  Then we did more shopping. For like three hours. Oh wait, while in the mall we stopped at this one restaurant for happy hour. So that would have been around 5? We got to the city at 11, so six hours at that point. THREE separate places drinking. For six hours. Straight. At around 5:30 we went back to the store with the nice girl. We ended up hanging out with her as she closed and the fun part was when said "I am going to go lock the elevator, what you steal is unknown to me la la la". Score. We ended up stealing like $200 in jewelry. Yep.

At that point she says "hey you two been to the new bar at the W yet?". Nope, let's go! We started drinking something called The Devil Goes to Moscow. How fitting. I had some kind of potato chip with dill and caviar followed by a tuna tartare. That's when things get fuzzy. We left there, I think that's when my friend got on public trans to go home and I went home with this girl. I remember around 10 we tried to go to the club across the street from her apartment and they wouldn't let me in because we were drunk. See above. Then we went back to her place and ....... morning. I honestly don't remember anything in between. I remember kissing someone at some point, but I don't remember who, where, what happened after the kiss. Nope. Nothing. I hope I was good...

And today I have a lunch date. Rock on baby, rock on...

Y4 D27

Slept like complete and utter shit last night. Woke up three different times due to bad dreams. One about X2 at that. I haven't had one of those in a while which is what disturbs me. She's the last person I want to be dreaming about ever. Yelling. Infidelity. Money. Standard topics and all coming at me in my sleep. Fuck that. I don't remember the other two as clearly but I do know I did not have a restful time of it last night.

I forgot to mention something else that happened on Tuesday with me and the guy in group. I mentioned that he remembered me from high school but I forgot about our conversation in the elevator. I made some comment about being a loser outcast during that time and his response was 'well you seemed pretty cool to me'. Huh. Really? Weird.

I did get a GOOD letter from the IRS yesterday. Didn't even know they knew how to send those. All that shit with the house and the old taxes? Settled. I got a letter saying you owe us nothing and the case is officially closed. Thank fucking god.

Worked all day and even into the night a bit. I am taking a respite today for about four hours to run some errands for Sunday which I can't do at night which means I wanted to get some major work in yesterday to alleviate the guilt I will have today.

I was up until about 11:30 getting some modeling done. The upside? Since I feel like shit this morning I don't feel bad because no one is going to be waiting for me to finish the model. I know they are all in already and have been able to work. Small victories.

Not much else went down yesterday. Obviously I didn't go to that seminar. I figured out that I would have had to leave my house at 5 and not gotten home until 11:30 which I just couldn't afford time wise yesterday.

Let's see what I can accomplish today. If anything.

Y4 D26

Some weird shit happened last night at group. I opened up in front of a roomful of people and things went weird from there. Allow me to elaborate...

Last night's topic was 'core beliefs'. Up until now we have been discussing automatic and high level thoughts. Those issues that crop up at the surface and tend to derail your immediate mood. Things you can step back from and figure out if they are really issues or if you are blowing something out of proportion. But what happens when it's something deeper? What happens when not one thing is causing your problem but everything is to blame? That usually gets to a 'core belief' - things like 'I am unlovable', 'I am incompetent', etc. No one in the class wanted to volunteer anything because frankly this is heavy shit and can be really uncomfortable. I said screw it, I want my two dollars worth and volunteered to be the class guinea pig. Little did I know how it would affect things.

We started at a situational level and started drilling downward. In the end what was left on the board for my core belief was essentially 'In the end, everyone goes away or lets you down so why bother even trying'. Sound familiar? Yeah, it did to me too.

That forced me to have to open up about my past and some things that I really wasn't 100% ready to face or deal with in class. But we pushed on and started getting to a point where the discussion changed to okay, how do we now chip away at this core belief and make it something that can be dealt with and with which I can live like a relatively normal person. Nothing was resolved as this part of the process doesn't happen in a one hour session but rather over weeks and years. Yay, weeks and years. But it's another tool in my arsenal for coping. That's what counts.

All of this led to at the end of class one of the guys coming up to me and saying hey I went to the same high school you did (I had mentioned my High School because we were talking about the past). He then asked what year I graduated. Guess what? We were in the same class. How random is that? I end up in a depression group with a guy I haven't seen in 25 years. Part of me wanted to tell him well no wonder we're in the same group. In part we suffered through similar shit, we are the same age, and we are dealing with the whole 'we are realizing we won't be rockstars and we are very pissed off' attitude. Definitely made me feel less alone in this and I think it did the same for him.

When I got downstairs, one of the women in class started talking to me. She started telling me about a seminar she is going to tonight and she thinks I should come. Okay, why not? What do I have to lose. It's free, it's something to do, and if it helps, great. So tonight I am going to a seminar in the city. I honestly have no idea what it is on or anything because frankly I was only half listening to her while she was describing it. I was focused more on 'oh something to do on a Wednesday night that doesn't involve drinking? I'm in'.

After group I met a friend for dinner. She is still having some issues and needed someone to hang out with and let loose. Hit me. I am your guy, Captain Nice Guy to the rescue. I won't complain though; she paid for dinner, we had a nice time talking, and I got to go out for a while on a Tuesday.

The only thing that suffered yesterday is work. I need to focus today to make up for it. I don't want to fall behind again with this client. I have a meeting at 10 to discuss where we are and get some spec clarification. I will actually pay attention.

Y4 D25

In my therapy class we are talking about thought records and how when a thought comes through that is affecting your mood you write it down and do all these things with it to examine both the positive and negative. I plan to ask the doctor today what do you do when there is no single thought just a mess of thoughts putting you in a really shitty mood? I spent most of yesterday just frustrated with everything. Nothing in particular just everything. No matter what it was I was getting pissed off. The flies in the house, the kid not cleaning the rabbits, a formula not working right, etc. It was all just pissing me off. How do you write a thought record for that?

It's not all of yesterday sucked though. I did get a package in the mail from my friend which totally made me happy. She got me the 2012 Father's Day Disney pin when she was down there last. That was a nice present. Takes the big board to 502. Jesus. Over 500 of those pins. I'm gonna need a bigger board. Only 498 to go for this year's goal. I can do it. I can always do it. I also got a gift from the local gas station. Weird, right? Well it's the only place I buy my cigarettes from  and they received this really nice promotional lighter from the company. Since none of them smoke, they held on to it for me. It's a solid butane lighter and is pretty slick.

I was supposed to go out last night, but no one wanted to go to the club, the kid had nothing to wear, and I was in too pissy of a mood so we didn't go. Not like it would have been anything exciting anyway. Not just her and me. There are some things that just shouldn't be father/daughter and going to a goth club is one of them.

It also felt like the day was shitty to other people too. My friends posted a message in our cast email list about some shit their kid did which was beyond ridiculous. His actions, not their email. This time I am totally siding with them. He threw away an easy sweet deal to be able to smoke pot. What a dumbass. I talked with his dad for like a 1/2 hour last night parent to parent and we both agree he is being stupid as hell. I did the best I could to support him over the phone and told him if his kid comes anywhere around here, I will let them know.

Then at like 2am I get a bunch of texts from another friend who was having drama. She got a new tattoo recently which reflects her beliefs. While I don't agree with her beliefs, it's her body and her business as she has never tried to shove those beliefs down my throat. Well one of her other friends with whom she has been close to for six years decided that he can't be friends with her any more because of this tattoo. It's really hurting her because she hasn't changed. He is being a douche. It would be okay except that this guy is my age and should know better. He is acting like a three year old. She was up most of the night crying. I had to tell her at one point I'm sorry but I have to sleep. Which is why I am getting such a late start today.

I also played Diablo at some point yesterday. Yeah, until I get through the main game with at least one character, then a second, then a third, and finally a fourth, there will be mention of Diablo for a while. This game should satisfy my needs until the end of the year truth be told. It will be perfect for my road trip to Tennessee in July as well. No running around at night when there are demons to kill!

Nothing new on the female front by the way. I decided yesterday I was done chasing. They all know where to find me. To me you shall come! Yeah, right.

Y4 D24

Very tired this morning. Having trouble focusing and getting motivated due to this. I didn't do anything yesterday except play Diablo and stay inside so I don't understand why I am so cloudy this morning. I think I slept okay. Maybe not great, but not bad enough I should be feeling this way this morning. Gah. As to yesterday, yeah, that's all I did pretty much all day. I played Diablo, watched X-Files while we ate dinner, played more Diablo, went to bed. Captain exciting here. Not much else to write about. It was Father's day and the kid gave me a painting she did of Perry the Platypus. Plus a new set of tongs to replace the ones she stole from me to feed her snake. I killed flies during the day. I still can't figure out where they are coming from either which is slipping me into madness. We are supposed to go out tonight. Let's see if that happens. I am probably canceling my date for tomorrow because of work. All over the map today. I need to wake up and work.

Y4 D23

Had a good time at the fair yesterday. We were there all day and I mean ALL day. We got up in the morning and got ready and two of my friends came over right at 10. The fair opened at 11, so we left the house at 10, stopped and picked up the kid's schedule, then stopped at the bank, and found parking about two blocks from the fairgrounds. We got there at 10:40 and waited until they opened the gates.

There were four of us in the morning and we went on all the rides at least twice before settling down for some nasty food. I had a Rockstar Float. THAT was interesting. Loved it. We walked the booths where they had a great animal exhibit with snakes, armadillos, hedgehogs, and various bugs. Rode the rides AGAIN and then we all got exhausted and sun drained and needed a break. We sat for about an hour looking at artwork, all the food entries, the 4H animals - all the standard fair type stuff. During that point we found a great hat dealer and I got a new hat. It looks damn good on me too.

Around 4 a couple of our other friends joined us so we rode the rides AGAIN. (There's a reason I keep mentioning how many times we rode the rides, trust me.) About 5, two more friends joined us but they were hungry and we needed to get in line for the concert. NIGHT RANGER! Yeah, I know. Funny thing with the exception of like four songs I never liked Night Ranger in the 80s either. I always saw them as similar to Def Leppard in that the first album was hard rocking and fun but then they do one power ballad slow song and they are marked for the rest of their career. So I wanted to hear those four songs. Otherwise, it was more the joke of it than anything else. But anyway, we walked over and the line was small but definitely a line. We all got in line while they went off and got food. The doors were supposed to open at 6:30 but they started letting us in at about 6:10 because it was so hot outside. I think they figured it was better to have us inside buying booze and water and food than standing outside bitching in the heat? It was GA for the most part. They had one section as reserved seating but that $30 a ticket. Um no? It's the fair. I am not dropping $30 to see Night Ranger at the fair. Sorry. But that was the first 10 rows. We rushed in and I got us all row 11. There were 7 of us and there were like 15 seats per row. We were good. For the next hour or so we sat and talked and enjoyed the AC. Plus we had fun making fun of all the other people there who were starting to get lit at 6:30. We had one crazy drunk homeless guy next to us. Um wow. He was just out there. When the show started he was all over the place.

They came out around 7:40 and played until 9. It wasn't a bad show. I am not going to knock them for their performance regardless of whether I like their music. They had fun, the drunk old people had fun, we mostly had fun. We were all so tired and hot that it was hard at a couple of points to show major enthusiasm. But in the end it was all good. We got out around 9, rode more rides until about 10, had a late night snack (I had a piece of pizza the size of my head) and called it a night. ALL DAY AT THE FAIR.

We got home and mellowed out then off to bed. That's when the fun started. I got room spins. I had NOTHING to drink yesterday. BUT I rode the rides so many times and ate such nasty food (giant pizza, rockstar float, bbq, fried onion loaf, fried artichoke, garlic fries, etc) that my head and stomach were like nope, you paying now bitch. I ended up on the couch around 12:40 and that helped. I was able to put my back against the back of the couch and it mellowed out the spins. Slept until 9. Yay me.

One side note - this was the first time I spent an extended amount of time with one of the people who went with us. I am glad we spent time. I learned about this person and found out they are really cool and fun to be around. A new person for my inner circle of party friends in the future.

Now to enjoy my father's day.

Y4 D22

I slept extremely well last night. A good deep sleep at that. Had a pretty good day yesterday. I am down from earlier in the week and thanks to the damn doctor still trying to see if my mood changes because of events or the other way around. Still not quite sure.

I had my coffee date yesterday with the one who was ranked pretty low on OKC. She is a nice person that's for sure, but yeah, I get why it ranked us low in terms of match potential. I think there good be friend potential, but nothing more. She is interesting, seems to have her shit together, but, not really my type. In other words, she looks her age. Yeah. I know.

On the way back I stopped by a co-workers to pick up a laptop then came home to work. I finished up some modeling for a client and then also wrote a report for the same client. I do feel I accomplished something work wise yesterday which is always good.

Made strawberry pavlovas last night for company. I had three friends over and we played Cards Against Humanity. Drank some Mike's Hard and had fun. Everyone was out the door before 11 which was good. Probably why I slept well last night. Didn't overdo it on the booze, didn't go out and get crazy.

As for the other ones on the horizon? I decided yesterday I am done chasing. I hit this place once before and it seemed to work better for my state of mind. Let them chase me. Show me you need me not the other way around. I need to know you are thinking about me. For example my date for Monday got moved to Tuesday but whatever. I may cancel it this time just to prove a point. I did get a surprise in the mail yesterday which was nice - the old GF who owed me money still sent $250 and enclosed a note remembering my birthday. The timing is perfect as we are going to the fair today and now I can go guilt free. I had one friend give me free tickets which is nice, and now the other money can handle the ride bracelet and food. We can have a good day at the fair without stressing. There are about 10 of us going today meeting up at all different times. At least 4 of us are going right when it opens this morning which will be fun. I am looking forward to today.

Y4 D21

I have actually been up for a little while. Been paying bills, checking emails, etc. I kind of passed out early last night and hence woke up early in return. And when I say passed out I mean exactly that. I started drinking too early too fast last night and was drunk before 7. Hell I was home by 7 who am I kidding. I worked all day and then decided to get the hell out of the house. I just wanted to go out and have some drinks. Nothing exciting just out of the house. I went down to the bar and then came home. I actually didn't get into trouble or do anything stupid. It was just early and I was home early. Weird. I did confirm a date for Monday which is cool. I am excited about that. I am in a little while going to meet another one for coffee and hopefully at some damn point schedule something with the summer fling. I feel a little like I am being strung along on that one - more the thought of having a summer fling than actually pulling the trigger - which is why I am not idling standing by and waiting for her. I have other things to do, other places to put my efforts, etc. I do want to see her and lord knows I want to have fun with her but I also need to keep going with my life. The one I am taking out Monday has good potential but there is definitely a distance issue. We would need to work around that.

What else happened yesterday... oh my boss called me last night while I was a bit slurry. Got to love that. He wanted to discuss the new macs. Yeah, it was a social call which was cool, but not when I am sloppy. I held it together long enough to talk to him about things but it was a tough conversation. I also printed out and made a deck of Cards Against Humanity. I am hoping to have a game tonight at my place. Let's see who shows up.

I have to do my time card now. Our finance guy is bitching. Plus I owe him money so he doesn't like me right now.

OH! I got my new bill from the IRS. Finally got everything applied. New balance? $5300. I can handle that. I can work with it and get it down. I am thinking $200 a month as that will knock it in half by the next file date. If I can do more, I will but at least I should get something back next year if I do this. Slowly things come together...

Y4 D20

What a wonderful Kraken Appreciation Day yesterday turned out to be. Okay, not really, but it was fun. There was much goofiness had by all on Facebook yesterday. The kid worked a good portion of the day as did I. Didn't really leave the house or do anything during the day, but thank goodness for the Internet. It managed to keep me amused. I did chat with two of the four on my horizon and confirmed coffee tomorrow morning with one more. I don't see this one going anywhere, mostly because of differences in values, lifestyles, etc. But the more I stay open, the more opportunities come my way. I just kind of know in my gut that someone in her line of work will not be compatible with my attitudes. She is a financial planner and real estate person. That personality typically does not mesh well with my cavalier attitude. They tend to be more planners versus impulse. I should know, I was married to one for 12 years. But again, I will go, I will play nice, and who knows maybe I will find a new financial planner. Every cloud has a silver lining? More realistically as my therapy group is showing me, every thought has an alternative and a balance.

I took the kid to work and picked her up. When I picked her up we stopped for chinese food and kraken rum. All part of the KAD "tradition". We sat on the floor eating chinese while watching the X-Files. I would have watched the original Clash of the Titans as one is supposed to do it but one it sucks and two I don't have it.

After that I played Diablo while chatting and she did some computer work. She is trying to enter a t-shirt design contest for some clothing company. I saw the t-shirt and it looks pretty good. She is doing the illustrator and photoshop work on it herself too. I was pretty impressed. Went to bed around 11. Slept okay I guess. Nothing horrible but nothing to write home about either.

Oh one thing that happened yesterday as a side note - I have a friend who is reading Year One of this right now. He is about 1/3 of the way through. As he was asking some questions I was rereading parts myself. Goddamn, I repeat myself a lot don't I? It really does seem like it's the same day over and over. Am I really doing things differently or is this just one giant Groundhog's Day? Plus I drank way too much back then and was an ass in trying to prove something sexually. It was all about meeting women and drinking. BUT I also think that had to do partially with my environment. Where I was definitely was more conducive to me being 'social' in the sense that I was at the wine bar or my friend's restaurant almost every night. But still. I was trying way too hard to 'find the one'. It seems like I couldn't take to someone without looking at their mate potential. I would like to think that in the subsequent years I have gotten a little better. I mean sure, I am still looking for someone. But I am a little less asshole about it I'd like to think.

Right?

Y4 D19

Happy Kraken Appreciation Day! Don't ask. It's this 'holiday' that last year got created by some friends and now we all fill facebook with Kraken related jokes, pictures, etc. On KAD, you eat Chinese food, sacrifice your virgins to the Kraken, and then watch Clash of the Titans. Yeah, I know, but it's fun. Good clean silly fun.

Yesterday was pretty good. Nothing like Monday but not bad. I confirmed one of the four dates and will be having coffee on Friday. I also chatted with two of the other ones yesterday. My ego was doing pretty well still so no real complaints here. I should confirm one more today and see about Sunday. Monday's meeting is more casual, but that should happen too.

Otherwise I worked. Back into the grind of doing some modeling and database work. It is what it is. I did go to group last night. The doctor did ask me one question which I couldn't answer because I had never thought of it in the way she put it - I was honest that I was on an 'up' cycle and odds are I would crash soon enough. She asked if events precipitated the cycles or did the cycles enhance the events. Damn. Good question. Was I really 'high' Sunday and Monday because of things that happened or did I make things happen because I was in a good mood. That is honestly a damn good question. Now I am going to watch to see if when I do go down is it natural or will there be some specific event that triggers it.

Came home and played some D3 before bed while watching CHUD with the kid and KBF. Yes, he's back. I don't know what they are doing. I talked to her after he left and she isn't sure either but she is not looking to get hurt this time around. I told her that was my only concern too. I don't want her getting hurt again. I think they are keeping things casual but I know her, she's too much my kid and will let her heart get in the way. He hurts her again and this time I am not responsible for my actions. I let it slide last time but no way does that happen twice.

Slept pretty good and now I work. I may go out tonight just to get out of the house, but I also am thinking it might just be a good night to play D3. We are definitely having chinese food though regardless. Yay Kraken!

Y4 D18

To paraphrase dear Captain Malcolm Reynolds - I am SO going to that special hell. Yesterday was such a good day I almost feel guilty going to therapy tonight. I am going to feel bad sitting around people who have given up hope, who cry all day, etc. Me? No, I'm good, I just came for the cookies...

So right now I am talking to not one, not two, not even three, but four, yes four, different women at the same time. If I play my cards right between now and next Monday I wil have four different dates. One of which came as a total and utter surprise. One I have been cultivating for a couple weeks, the other two are online matches. Age ranges? 22, 24, 35, 42. The latter is the one I am the least excited about even though it has the strongest chance of coming through. I am the least excited not because of her age but some other reasons. In my OKC profile I write how women never write first. She took me up on the challenge. But the interesting thing is we are marked as only a 30% match. Even though I came through as one of her daily matches. When you read our two profiles they are very similar in tastes too. We both thought this odd and started corresponding. After a few emails back and forth I am starting to see why the magic algorithm put us at 30%. I still think it's low, but not that low. We decided to meet for lunch this week tomorrow to see if we can in person figure out why it was so low.

Number two I met online a week or so ago and we will both be at the same event next monday night and will be using that opportunity to meet. She seems like fun but a little aloof.

Number three is the one I met at a show a couple of weeks ago and have been texting with since then. The only reason we haven't seen each other is distance. She lives far enough away that I have to drive and plan to see her. I am trying to get out there Friday.

Now the last one. Oh the last one. We have been friends for almost two years now. She was with someone when we met and then I started going out with TGF so while we were friends and there was a little tension between us, it was always good natured. Then somewhere in the last month things changed a bit. Things got a little raunchier and a little more direct. Still nothing more than friends being silly, but. No matter as she has been in OR for school for the last six months and our time has been online only. Well she is coming home for the summer and we have been excited to see each other just because we do like each other's company. Yesterday our chats took a decidedly different turn so instead of guessing, I straight up asked her what was going. I was very direct in saying that our conversations for the last month have grown more flirtatious and what was up. She proceeded to then tell me that she likes me, has liked me, and that (as she put it) "getting in her pants was totally an option". Okay. That's as straight forward as I need. We talked (technically IMd) for five fucking hours yesterday. She gets home tomorrow and we are planning on meeting Thursday. I think we both are clear on this being a summer fling as she is planning to go back to school in September, but um, three months is better than zero in my book any day. I would rather be happy for three months than frustrated for one week.

All of that got planned and done yesterday. Yeah. Add to that the fact that I took the day off from work to make up for Saturday so my stress level was zero. I went shopping with a friend in the morning from 9 until about 2, came home and checked emails, did a little bit around the house, waited for the kid to get home from work and dealt with all of the above.

The kid and I had the leftover mac & cheese I made which was still awesome a day later plus some more of the smoked fish. We watched some X-Files, then I played D3 while she did some photoshop work on the computer. She is putting together a portfolio to bring to a company's open house next week. I am proud of her for doing this all on her own. Finally went to bed about 11:30 feeling like it had been a damn good day.

And now it's Tuesday.

Y4 D17

A pretty darn good day yesterday. Not as epic as last Sunday, but I felt I got more accomplished yesterday than the prior week that's for sure. Sleeping in until noon while nice has serious disadvantages. No, I was able to get up and get moving yesterday, not that I did a whole lot. The kid went over to her grandmother's house around noon and when she got back at 2:30 we headed over to the mall. It was hot yesterday, 94 degrees hot, which put me in a bit of a cranky mood but not so bad I didn't enjoy myself. It did make me a little less tolerant of the idiots and morons though. We hung around the mall for a couple of hours doing nothing in particular. She found a new top and that was about it. When we got home I made the greatest pasta of my life - baked mini penne in a bechamel sause that had blue cheese, bacon, bacon fat, and more butter than man is intended to eat. I managed to get it finished in time for her to have some before work. I also smoked about a pound and a half of salmon. That wasn't ready until later and we ended up eating that at like 9. In between all that? Played Diablo, continued to convert TV shows for the AppleTV, relaxed, cleaned the bird's cage, hid from the weather. I didn't nap on purpose. I want to try and force my sleep patterns back to a somewhat 'normal' setting and that means no napping this entire week. That should fix some of the problem that was plaguing me last week. Today I am taking the morning off to make up for the work I did on Saturday. I am going to hang out with a friend and watch the live stream from the WWDC today.

Y4 D16

Yay I didn't sleep until noon this week! Not bad seeing as I got home at 3:27am. I tried to get up a couple of hours ago but the need for sleep was too great. But it's two hours sooner than last Sunday. That's an improvement right?

Yesterday turned out to be as long as I expected it to be if not a little longer. I was up early, started my class at 7 and it went until 3:15pm. The group was good. They asked good questions, but as I expected they tried to go off on tangents and ask things we weren't discussing. There were a couple of technical glitches through the day but given that I had six people besides me all connected to remote servers through a remote meeting through VOIP, it was a smooth as one can expect. We took a single lunch break which was weird because I all I did was mute myself for an hour. The students were from all over the country which meant multiple time zones too. For some folks like me it was a 7-3 class, for others a 10-6 and then two people in between. I was happy with how it went. My voice is a bit hoarse after speaking all day and then doing a show though.

I finished up and left for the show around 6:45. I had to take the motorcycle because the kid had my car, but the weather was nice enough that it wasn't a big deal. I did get there about 30 minutes early which also wasn't too horrible. Everyone showed up, we had a good show with a late start and then we went for pie afterwards. I probably should have passed on pie, but I was having a good night and wanted the company of friends. I haven't gone out after a show in a while and I decided the heck with it. It was really fun. There were 10 of us and the check was split even for once without bickering or argument which was also nice. Since the kid had to work from 5-9 she missed out on all the phone, but I did bring her home a piece of pie.

Today is me day after yesterday. No phone calls, no emails, no nothing. I may go to the city with a friend since the kid has to go her grandmother's for some family thing from like 11:30 - 2:30 and then work from 7-midnight. I may use this time to bum around the city. Let's see if I can find someone to go to with me...

Y4 D15

I am up way too goddamn early for a saturday especially a saturday where I have a show. But I have to teach a class in 90 minutes. I am not looking forward to it to be honest with you because I saw the list of attendees late last night and there isn't a single non-indian name on there. No, I am not being racist. It's that these bastards in my field tend to be the biggest bunch of know-it-all douchebags to ever walk the face of the earth. Which means I will probably get obscure, ridiculous questions during this class. They have this condescending attitude about things like this and I am not in the fucking mood. Thank god it's a remote class and they will all be muted. They will only be able to communicate to me through chat. Ha. Take that fucker.

Yesterday. Ugh. Lots of 'ugh' this week and yesterday was no exception. I had to get up early and drive to my co-workers house. I was there from about 7-11 with an hour drive on both ends. I did get the issues resolved finally. We were discussing how it is nice sometimes to have someone to bounce things off of when there are issues. It is the one thing we both agree we miss from being in a standard work environment. Speaking of that, do you realize it was a year ago when I took that other job? I know, right? Actually at this point last year I would have just been getting home from vacation with my family and about to start my new job on Monday. Weird.

Got home yesterday from my morning journey and did some more work until about 4. I had to prep and get ready for this class. Test connections, verify docs, etc. Hopefully nothing will go - oh who am I kidding. It's a class for crying out loud. Something will irk me. After that I ordered the kid a pizza and waited for her to get home from work so I could have my car and go run a couple of errands. Also and this may be a bit mean, I am tired of being her entertainment and/or feeling guilty because it's a Friday night and she is home. I have enough issues with myself being home on a Friday night I don't need to feel bad for my teenage daughter. She needs to develop some damn social skills. Anyway, she got home near 7 and I went over to my bosses his house. His wife's father is an olive oil distributor and whenever she sees him, he gives her jugs of olive oil. They had one put aside for me and I went over to pick it up. I was out and the timing was perfect. I did get to see his new TV. Dick. The 55" Samsung I want. Dick.

After that I stopped at the mall. Mostly because I didn't want to go right home. I had been looking at a pair of jeans for the last two weeks and finally decided to buy them. Best part? Waiting saved me 50%. They were half off. Score.

After that I hit the pet store and bought goodies for the critters. Kitty litter, bird treats, rat treats, etc. Everyone is happy in the animal world. Finally done, I played a little Diablo and went to bed. I am enjoying Diablo. For those who never played, this is meaningless, but to those who did? Two of the best improvements - no more town portal scrolls and no more gold takes up inventory. THANK YOU. God how many times I would bounce back and forth to town just to dump gold. AND it wasn't until Diablo 2 that there was the concept of a stash. I remember in Diablo 1 littering the town with gold piles. As for D3, I have been happy so far. There have been complaints about the simplicity and other things, but to me it's Diablo. It plays like Diablo, it feels like Diablo, and I like it. Matter of fact when I am done with my class I will have three hours until I have to leave for the show. Guess what I will be doing?

72 minutes. Put on my game face.

Y4 D14

I have about an hour to get the hell out of here. I was supposed to stay home today but that got fucked at the last minute. Yesterday before I went onsite for one client, my co-worker came over to grab a laptop. I thought I was done with it. I handed him the laptop at 8:15 and headed out to my other client. At 11:30 I get a message saying that the cube I thought was done was still fucked up. Great. Now I have no laptop to fix it on. So I have to head over to his house today to work on it. And of course he lives an hour away over the bridge. Yay for me. I have to do it early because at 4 I have another conference call to get set up for this training class I am doing tomorrow. This is going to be a long fucking day. I can tell already. Plus I have to go to bed early because tomorrow's class starts at 7am. Then I have a show. Ugh.

The stuff I did onsite went well. I can be thankful for that at least. I can be happy that they are so screwed up as an organization that it will be at least another week before I hear anything from them. I can handle that. All in all I was out there for about 4 hours which took up the majority of my day.

Made chicken teriyaki with pineapple and rice for the kid and me last night. She had to work from 8:30pm until 2:30am and I wanted to make sure she had food in her belly. Nothing else really exciting or note worthy went down yesterday. Watched some X-Files - we are almost through Season 7, played some Diablo, went to bed.

Y4 D13

Been up for a while but already stressed out. Been to the store already, have things ready to leave in a few for my client but first I have to wait for a co-worker to show up and pick up a laptop. He's supposed to be here at 8 after which I will haul ass to this other client. I am supposed to be there at 9, but that was a last minute change on their part so they can suffer.

Had weird dreams last night. Both X2 and the new girl were in it. X2 was like a foot taller than she is (was?) in real life and the new girl was actually an old friend who I haven't seen since late last year. We were in some weird gang/hostage situation. It was very odd. X2 was talking about how she was going to Japan for some festival. What I realized is how much of a snotty bitch she sounded. How conceited and arrogant. She was so non-plussed about her trip and it was rather off putting. New girl and I were making out. That I remember clearly. Be nice if that happened in real life. Hey, what? Just saying.

Yesterday was a full work day. I finally managed to get through the sticking point on the one cube I was developing. I figured out the issue and hopefully it all looks good when the client looks at it today. It looks good to me, but what do I know...

Continued to rip and convert movies. Almost done. I should be done by the weekend and can then move on to TV shows. That will take another week or two but will be worth it when I am done. Watched a movie with the kid yesterday - Emperor's New Groove. She was flipping through all the movies we now have available and was like 'hey we haven't watched this in a while!'. No, no we haven't. After, I made dinner - pork chops. We watched X-Files during that. She then did some drawing while watching Simon Birch and I played Diablo. Went to bed around 10:30 but didn't fall asleep until after 11. I did sleep at least - until 1. Then I was up from 1-2. I managed to fall back to sleep until 6. Better than most of the week.

Did text with new girl during the day. I am hoping to see her Saturday at the show.

Y4 D12

I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't get my sleep patterns back where they need to be. I have tried going to bed early, sleeping pills, sleeping in different positions, etc with no results. I cannot seem to fall asleep before 1am right now which is really fucking me up. I am going to try one more time with going to bed early tonight and see how that works. Tomorrow I have to be onsite somewhere at 10 which means I have to get up at a decent time and on Saturday I am teaching a class from 7-3 so I really need to be up and ready. Speaking of that I had a freakout moment yesterday about it. I got an email reminder that goes out to all the students about Saturday's class and look, the instructor forgot. It wasn't on my calendar for some reason which means it didn't exist in my head. Totally pissed me off at myself for not remembering and then I started getting upset because it is going to ruin my Saturday. Group Therapy to the rescue! All kidding aside, I was able to bring this to group last night and use it as an example for everyone's benefit. Part of what they are trying to teach me in group is how to change the automatic thought of 'my whole fucking weekend is ruined now' to a more balanced thought of 'yeah saturday is going to suck monkey balls, but I have Sunday all to myself and can take part of Monday if I want it'. The latter statement is more focused and while it acknowledges the negative, it helps to show it's not ALL negative. I can appreciate that. We discussed this approach last night in class and I can see where it helps. By looking at essentially the bigger picture, I was able to drop my anxiety about Saturday down and focus on the fact that Sunday right now is still all mine.

Of course this is assuming I make it to the weekend. I am stressed out right now about my sleep and work and money and everything else going on that I need to make it to Saturday. I am very close on money until Friday. It's my own doing of course. I played it a little fast and loose these last couple of weeks and I am about to pay the price. I forgot about an auto pay that comes out on the 5th. But today is the 6th and if I can hold on until Friday I will be okay.

Speaking of that, I did do something yesterday which in retrospect was a little indulgent, but I used a cc for it so it didn't impact my current bottom line; I bought Diablo 3 finally. I loaded it up last night and started playing. Yep. It's Diablo alright. I made a barbarian and played for like 10 minutes. Just long enough to feel good about my purchase. I have been wanting it since it's release on the 15th but waited on purpose for money reasons, bug reasons, patch reasons, etc. So far I am happy with it. I am running it on my laptop but will try to see if I can install it on the desktop tonight. Hopefully it will work and not barf on me saying I need a second license.

Other than all that, I worked for a good portion of the day. Made some headway on an issue, none on another problem, and got a new set of tasks lined up. This will keep me busy for the next couple of weeks.

Let's hope I can get some real sleep tonight.

Y4 D11

Not sure how I am feeling this morning. Yesterday while not bad, was not all that good either. It was a pretty flat day overall I would have to say. I can't really pinpoint anything other than as I mentioned, I didn't sleep well Sunday night so I was off all day. The weather was awful, raining, overcast, dark, which didn't do much for my mood. Matter of fact it made things worse. I couldn't get motivated or over my hump of dragging. I decided in the morning I needed to do something for myself to try and get out of the funk so I went at 4:30 for a quick spa service. Nothing fancy, just an eyelash tint. I noticed the other day how white/blonde they were and this service always makes them look better. It's relatively inexpensive, lasts for weeks, and makes me look awake even if I am not. That was the most exciting thing I did yesterday. Woo? Otherwise, I worked, made dinner for the kid, sat around, watched X-Files with her at night, kept converting movies, had my buddy find me a movie for the girl I was talking to the other night, chatted a little with her (not as much as I would have liked but it's okay), and then around 9 took a sleeping pill. I swear to god I am the only person I know whose body can have a sleeping pill in it and still have it go - no, fuck you, I don't want to sleep. I didn't fall asleep until almost 1 even with the pill inside me. What I need are the two weekends this month without shows. I have to get through this weekend, but then I get two back to back all to myself. That will allow me to get on something of a regular sleep pattern again I hope. I am forcing myself to try and sleep which is part of the problem. Even if I fall asleep on the couch tonight, I need to let it happen naturally. Screwed up sleep makes for a screwed up head. I have group tonight. I am hoping it goes better than last week. Again, it wasn't bad, but it wasn't great either. EVERYTHING seems a bit meh to me today. Is it the stuff/activity/etc or is it just me? Am I meh for some reason? I don't know. I don't know much of anything right at this moment.

Y4 D10

Little stressed out this morning. I almost slept through a meeting. I couldn't sleep last night for some reason. I wasn't stressed out or worrying about anything, I just couldn't sleep. I think my sleep patterns are thrown off again for some reason. Maybe I need to travel? Get things back on schedule. Tonight I am going to try taking a sleeping pill around 8. Force myself to a normal pattern.

This is really sad because I had an awesome day yesterday. I got up at noon which was fantastic. At 12:30 I got one of the best phone calls - my director calling me to say GOOD JOB. It is so rare to have her actually directly give a compliment. That made my day perfect from the get go. Then I made pancakes at 1:30. The kid didn't have to work until 4 so we had pancakes together. I spent the day ripping movies, playing on tumblr, and chatting with the girl I met on Saturday through facebook. It was a perfect freaking day. I did a whole lot of nothing and felt no guilt about it. I watched a movie on netflix - PI which was really bizarre. Then when the kid got home I watched an episode of the X-Files with her. At that point I tried going to bed and sleeping. At first it looked like it was going okay, but then the time just started dragging and dragging. It was 10 when I went to bed and it was 12:00 when I got up stressed. I think I fell asleep around 3 finally.

I don't have much else to report about yesterday because it was a lazy hazy summer day. If I could just sleep then things would be great.

Y4 D9

HOLY CRAP I SLEPT UNTIL NOON! Well almost. I got up about a 1/2 hour ago. But still!! Of course I didn't get home until after 4. AND when I got home what did I find parked in front of my house? Why that's XKBF's car. Oh my, someone has a booty call? Actually, they went to dinner and movie before the show last night. I think they are trying to make a go of it as friends. Although I did see them holding hands at one point last night. I am not sure what they are doing.

First off some interesting things happened yesterday in the early part of the day. I heard from my friend who I haven't talked to in a while. It was a really nice surprise. He IM'd me some advice on how to convert the rest of my movies. Unfortunately it didn't work out, but it was nice hearing from him. I would love to have that relationship back, but I am not going to push it. It was good just having him reach out.

Along those same lines, my other friend DID find me a solution about 8pm last night!! Since then I have had a queue of about 25 movies to convert. It seems like it's a slow process, but then again doing each DVD took just as long so I am not really complaining. This will add a shit ton more movies to my library as well as TV shows. I also started offering to friends they can bring over their DVDs and I will rip them. This way my library expands and they get digital version of their discs. Winning all around.

Otherwise, daytime was pretty mellow. The kid had work and then her impromptu date. I hung around the house most of the day not doing much of anything. Headed off to the show around 10 as a zebra. Yep, a zebra. I wore a zebra jacket, pants, hat, and shoes with stripes on my eyes. It was a blast. As I told one of the other folks on cast, I need to do goofy things like this to help make the show go by faster. If I just did the show regular week after week it would drag me down. I also met a nice, semi-age appropriate (24) girl at the show last night. Nothing happened, but we did have last dance together and there was some definite mutual flirting going on. She may be joining cast which would be nice because no matter what, we could use a few new people.

The show went SUPER well last night. We had a good crowd with lots of enthusiasm - OH! I have my own fan club!! They were shouting my real name from the audience line last night. Granted it was like six people and 4 of them were gay teenage boys, but still! Instead of a stalker, I have fans. Wooooot! I said recently that my crew works better when we have LESS people assigned to things and last night was proof. Everyone was so busy they couldn't socialize or screw up. It was perfect. Makes it hard to pee, but fuck it.

Drove a few people home last night which is why I didn't get home until 4. But hey! I slept until noon!

Y4 D8

Another day behind me. Another boring day with not much to report. I worked during the day, found out I am not going to a new client next week although I thought I was, and overall did a whole lot of nothing. I did try not talking all day yesterday to rest my throat. I managed to go until about 3pm until I slipped up and yelled at the cat. Well not yelled, but she was being annoying and I told her to shut up. I must admit it was amusing during the day not talking and trying to communicate with the kid. We had fun mixing charades, text messages, and notes.

Went to Ikea again and got a new work area. That little desk I had been using just wasn't working out for me any more. Not since I decided to move the laptop over. I just didn't have enough room. I found a table for $40 which is working out much better. I have room enough for the desktop and the laptop now. This gave me a little project of rearranging my work area which kept me busy for a few hours yesterday. I also picked up my contacts finally. It took forever for them to get in. I did notice one of the contacts is slightly different than my last set. But it was something the doctor had mentioned she wanted to try so I am willing to pop them in today and see if these are better or not. I know the cylinder is good, it's the strength that's slightly less. If I have a problem I will return them tomorrow.

Watched a little bit of TV, well technically not real TV anymore but you know what I mean. DirectTV called for the third time yesterday and this time I finally answered. They tried everything to get me back but when I said, fine, change my apartment's policies so I can mount the dish somewhere other than my patio and I will come back. Um... Yeah. Now stop calling me.

I am down to the last set of DVDs to rip. The only thing left to do is find a video converter that will convert everything into a format that iTunes can read. I found a couple of apps yesterday but they want $30-$40 for them and I can't justify spending the money. I have my feelers out for serial numbers though. I just need to convert avi and other types to m4v so they will show up on the ATV.

That's about it. Another day gone.

Y4 D7

I am not speaking today at all. My voice and throat are still thrashed so I am trying to go all day silent. This may in fact drive me insane, but it will help my voice.

Nothing too exciting yesterday except one of my friends is SUPER AWESOME. She happened to be at Disneyland yesterday and got her hands on a LE Crush/Squirt Father's Day pin for me. That is so cool!! I was afraid I would miss it as it is only available for a short time and it's a limited edition of 3000 pins. That made my day.

I also bought a new desk chair yesterday. I had been using a crappy folding chair with no back and very little padding in the seat. I went to Ikea and splurged a while $24.99 on a better chair. Trust me, it's better. It has a back and swivels which is good enough for me. They also have a new work table for $40 which I think I may go back this weekend and get. I like the little desk I have, but I need more room to work these days and it just isn't cutting it. What I need to do first though is empty out all the drawers as the new one is just a table not a desk. This is a good thing as it will force me to throw some crap away.

I think that's about it besides working. I only left the house for a short period. I made turkey tacos for dinner last night. We watched Tangled. I am almost done ripping all of my movies. Oh, I also rearranged all the drawers in my dressers and reorganized my clothes.

Yeah, I am back to being boring again. Good.