Y4 D99

Yesterday was very long. So long I overslept quite a bit this morning. I worked all day and brought the client's servers down three times because of the issue I was trying to fix. There seems to be some weird bug in the application when we try to do things a certain way. Very annoying as I had to get someone else to restart the services every time this happened. It also means while I worked all day I didn't really accomplish much. That's the shitty part.

Still happy with my arm. I really like this tattoo. It's making me very happy. I was worried about its size, location, etc. But I have to remember - this isn't 25 years ago when I got my first one. I am not seen as some low life scuzz bag because I have a tattoo. Tell that to someone who is in their 20s and they look at you weird. Why would a tattoo make people treat you different they ask. Because boys and girls things were different back then. People didn't walk around with giant holes in their ears and ink all over them. Those people were considered bad people. Hell I remember when I got my first piercing. It was 85 or 86 and I was a rebel dammit. Guys didn't get piercings. Only queers wore earrings. Now? Shit, we will have a congressman with an earring in my life. You watch.

I drove the kid to work last night because I needed the car to do some stuff. I dropped her off around 6:30 and headed to my friends house. He had 5 movies that I wanted to get into the collection right away. They help to finish off my Disney movie collection. With the addition of these, I will have every theatrically released Disney animated movie. I still need the non-animated, the sequels, the one-offs, etc. But the main part of that collection will be done.

After that I met some co-cast at one of our theaters to pick up some props for a show tonight. We had left them behind because we forgot about this upcoming show. Got home around 8:30 and waited until almost 11 to pick up the kid. By the time we got home it was 11:20 and I was exhausted. Collapsed in bed. I did get a couple of FB messages from a friend. No, none of the ones in my life. Oh yeah speaking of that - the girl I had tried dating who lived like 90 minutes away? She posted on facebook she is in a relationship. Well good for her. It's not like it would have ever worked between us anyway. She was too far away, kind of a ditz, and had other issues she needed to work out first. I still think she is a nice person overall and I am happy to be her friend, but there was no longevity for us dating.

I do need to find a date soon though. A real date. With a normal, age appropriate person. I still miss going to that office in the city. At least it put me in a better place to meet people. Sitting home by myself doesn't really help me. I am also thinking I will start going to some of the social things on meetup again. That is once I am off the road for three weeks...

Y4 D98

Yesterday turned out to be a very interesting and unusual day in many ways. Got up around 6 and drive the kid to the train station. Came back did a little bit of work and then had to wait for some people to finish stuff but unfortunately I had an appointment at 12 and wasn't abe to get the feedback I needed before then. My appointment was for my new tattoo. I stopped at the grocery store on the way there to pick up vodka and rockstar because last night we had a rehearsal for a special show Friday night. It's a benefit show at one of the local colleges. Which means we have a show Friday and Saturday this week. Back to back. I still need to send out cue sheets for both shows today. Ugh.

My appointment went great. I am really happy with the way this tattoo came out. #12 and right there in plain sight. No hiding it. Okay I mean I can hide it with a long sleeve shirt. It's not like I lost all my senses and got something on my face. It took about 3 hours from start to finish including prep time. The artist that did it has a great touch and there was very little pain surprisingly. The timing was perfect too as I was finishing the kid was heading back to the train station to come home. I hit the station right on mark. The only thing that was suffering was work because I was out of pocket for a large chunk of the day and while I was out I finally got the updates I needed.

Stopped for Chinese food on the way home because the kid had to be at an eye doctor appointment at 5:30 and she didn't have a lot of time to eat. We didn't get much, as we knew one of our friends coming over for the rehearsal was bringing some snack food too. We just knew they weren't coming until 7 and we both needed something before then.

At 7 everyone showed up. We did walkthrough of everything, assigned props, and then it turned into a party. A party lasting until 1am. That's the unusual part. I normally don't do that kind of thing on a Wednesday. Thursday or Friday, fine, but not a Wednesday. I still managed to get 5 hours of sleep and while I am little ick today, I am not hungover or unable to function. My arm hurts like hell though.

One downside to yesterday is while the kid was at her eye doctor appointment, my other friend stopped by to pick up the movies I had finished converting already. While she was here she mentioned that the other night at the birthday party, her and her husband noticed the kid had a bit of 'an odor'. She didn't know if it was her trying to be all hippie and didn't want to say anything. I explained that the kid does have a bad habit of not putting on deodorant or antiperspirant daily. This put me in the unenviable position of having to pass this news along to the kid later. Right before all those above mentioned people arrived. I know I should have waited, but I also didn't want it coming up again. As usual she got all emotional and was like 'this is why I don't have friends! I smell'. Well, then do something about it. Don't get offended at the messenger. I honestly don't understand what her problem with it is. I don't know why she gets so bent out of shape about just putting on the stuff and practicing some hygiene. You know how long it took me to get her to shower regularly when she was younger? But this put her in a shit mood all night which kept bugging me. Not cool. I don't know what to say to her that won't put her on the offensive and make her feel bad about herself. Just deal with it, ya know? Not that big of deal. At least you have friends who are willing to say something.

Anyway, everyone left around 1and I went to bed. On the couch. The house was a mess this morning but not too bad that I didn't have it cleaned up in 10 minutes. Always a benchmark in my mind. If I can put things back to livable in 10 minutes or less, then things are cool.

Now today I need to work like a boss.

Y4 D97

Sometimes the universe works in weird ways. Lately a number of people have been telling me 'act your age', 'give in', or 'there's nothing worth searching for'. And I was starting to believe them. I stayed home Monday night because 'people my age don't go out on Monday nights'. I was believing THEIR hype. It got so bad I was truly ready to throw in the towel and just go find some fat old chick to be with so I didn't have to feel like I was doing something that offended the rest of you.

Well guess what? Fuck. That. Noise. Oh great universe, you have shown me once more to hold on to hope. Or as the great prophets of Journey once said DON'T STOP BELIEVING! HOLD ON TO THAT FEELING!

Out of nowhere yesterday I get a text from... wait for it... no not her... nope, her neither... nuh-uh, not that one... LO. Yeah, weird right? I mean of all the people. The one who in June of 2010 showed me that I DIDN'T need to settle. The one who woke me up from life of boredom and ennui. Out of nowhere she sends me a message saying how she misses me, sorry she hasn't written as much as she should, and that the necklace I gave her is still her favorite piece of jewelry. I SO needed that. I needed to be reminded that I am better than I give myself credit. I am better than people want me to think. Why do people put other people down? To make themselves feel better. Why do people try to put other people in boxes? To justify their existence and meaning. Keep your fucking boxes to yourself.

You want to stop looking for meaning? Fine good ahead. I will keep looking. I will find it or die trying. I would rather do that than become another zombie slave. Keep your meds, keep your television, keep your societal standards. You know what I am doing today? Getting a new fucking tattoo. Oh I'm sorry, are people 'my age' not supposed to do that? Well fuck you. I am doing it. And we're not talking midlife crisis idiotic stupid little tattoo. No, we are talking half a fucking forearm. You know what? I am NEVER going to be too old for Disneyland, tattoos, piercings, fucking, drinking, drugs, or anything else that BRINGS ME PLEASURE.

May I never be complete
May I never be content
May I never be perfect.

Y4 D96

You know how I have said no good story starts with "I had a salad, stayed in, and went to bed at a decent time"? Well, that's why I have no good story this morning. I actually had a salad, stayed in, and went to bed around 10:30. I had an opportunity to go out last night and instead I chose to stay home and be behaved. Also I had absolutely no motivation to leave the house. I really didn't want to be around people.

I had a mediocre day during the day. I was supposed to work on one thing and ended up getting dragged into another all day. Something I wasn't supposed to be working on at all. The upside is we figured out the issue late last night and the burden of fixing it further is fully on the client and not on us. Downside is I lost most of yesterday and have to make that up today.

The kid had her boy toy over yesterday. They went out and did something, then came back, banged, watched TV, and pretty much made me feel like I was intruding even though it's my fucking house and I pay the rent around here. One of the reasons I went to bed when I did. I was tired of feeling lonely and bored and figured I could just pass out. Unfortunately emails kept coming through and while I was in the bedroom at 9:40, it was almost another hour before I was able to sleep.

September is looking to be a real bitch. Here's my travel schedule tentatively for the month:

9/3 - 9/7: Harrisburg PA

9/10 - 9/14: Chattanooga TN

9/23 - 9/28: Reston VA

Three out of four weeks I will be on the road. All east coast. It should put me less than 3,000 miles from the next tier on American and will take me over at Hilton. One more trip before the end of the year and I will have it. I can't max out Hilton at their highest tier, but I will still be at a place where I will get room upgrades, club room access, etc. It's more the airline I want to hit. That will mean major priority boarding, upgrades more frequently especially when I travel on weekends, no normal security line waiting, etc. And I have never been this close. I have been the tier I am now which is nice, but man I want in that next level. It is going to be a stressful month though. Add to that schedule shows and one planned trip to the park and I won't be sleeping much in September.

Time to take the kid to the train. One more day until my new tattoo...

Y4 D95

Uneventful day yesterday. I got out of going to rehearsal at least which was a positive. Originally rehearsal was supposed to be at 4pm. But because of the party on Friday then all the show work on Saturday, it got pushed to 6. I told my directors I couldn't drive the prop truck if it was at six because by the time I got it returned and got back home it would be very late for me on a Sunday. They understood, but then we struggled with finding someone else to drive it. In the end, no one else could drive it either which resulted in no truck and no props for rehearsal. Hence my crew was off the hook for showing up.

The kid worked from 12-5 and had the car all day which also limited what I could and couldn't do. I ended up spending the day playing Diablo. I haven't had a large scale session in a while and ended up playing like 5 hours total all through the day. The kid had a 'date' last night too. And by date I mean her booty call came back from New York, bought her dinner, and they had sex. Damn kid. I don't know whether to chastise her or high five her. Seriously. Hey, he brought me dinner too so he gets points for that. Nothing fancy mind you, just In and Out burgers (Oh god, no pun was intended).

There it is. My lonely, average day.

Y4 D94

Doing pretty good this morning. Had a good show last night which always helps. Didn't wake up to a shitstorm of emails or issues that I had to address. I had a decent day too. The kid and I hung out, did a little shopping, and watched some south park. Nothing exciting but nice. Relaxing, slow moving.

I will say I am feeling much better being home than being on the road. I was completely stressed out last week being in Texas. But now that I am home and have my connections again, I am more relaxed. Still don't think my life is all that great, nor do I think things are wonderful, but the anger about it is subsided. That I think is the difference. When I am thousands of miles away from anything comforting, I get angry about my life. When I am home and I can be in my space, I am much more relaxed about the shit pile that is my life. I can more readily 'accept' things when I am around my own things. Gives me more perspective.

I am just kind of rambling here. But it's all good. Now to see if I have to go to another rehearsal tonight...

Y4 D93

548 and I am up. I have been up all night. Not drunk though. Just can't sleep but not for a bad reason for once. No strange women in my bed either. All those things you are thinking, nope. Not this time. Instead? Been talking to my daughter. Heart to heart. Father to child. Friend to friend to some extent. Not fully though. She knows there's a line and I won't condone certain things just to be her friend. No, we talked about her making more friends, what she is doing with the ex, how she feels about work, how she feels about her siblings, how she feels about her mother. That was a big long part of it for sure. We got home from my friend's surprise birthday party at around 1130 and talked until she crashed at 4. I have just been up digesting everything she shared. I may have fucked up a lot of decisions and relationships in my life, but this one? Not this one. The one thing I can hold my head up high about. I see friends whose kids don't talk to them or are embarrassed by them and I can be proud. Damn proud. We talked about what she wants out of college. Some of that was new to me. I wasn't surprised or shocked, just nice to hear her clarify some things. We talked about all the things I do that bother her and all the things I do that make HER proud and happy to have me as a dad. Made me feel good.

As to the rest of the day? I got up around 6 i think it was and did some stuff around the house. Then I went grocery shopping and got a birthday card and present for the party we were going to later. I also had a brow appointment and then went to the pet store. Cleaned kitty litter, cleaned the rats, and then did laundry. All the clothes are clean once more. Man that kid has a lot of clothes. I mean seriously I was gone for almost 7 days total and I had less clothes to clean.

But laundry is done. The house is clean. The animals are happy. Bills are paid. I sat through a 2 hour webinar for my company on 2nd quarter results. We made 3.5m. Not too fucking shabby. Out of 35 active Q2 clients I had responsibility for 9 of them. 1/4, right? Roughly? So I felt good that out of that 3.5m I did my share. I pulled my weight. I saw some stuff my coworkers did and part of me was jealous but also part of me was apathetic. They are younger and still eager. I am happy knowing what I know, doing what I do, and learning new stuff as needed. I am not at that stage any more where I am going to spend my free time doing work related stuff. Sorry. It's not a bad thing per se, but what I did get out of this meeting is there are some young hotshots at my company and if I want to keep my rockstar status then in Q3 and Q4 I have to show them they are still pups and I am the alpha dog. I can do it. I know I can. I did get recognized at the meeting for some of the positive feedback I got from clients in Q2. That felt good. I wasn't the only one, but there were only about 5 of us out of 50+ people who got recognized. Cool.

Took a nap after the meeting which is also why I couldn't sleep tonight. I slept for almost three hours. Hell that's like a full night for me. I think I am playing catch up from Texas and my body is adjusting back to normal. Too bad I will fuck it up again in 9 days when I go to PA.

Around 630 we headed out to this birthday party. It was for a friend of ours who is turning 36 on Tuesday, He has never had a birthday party. Can you imagine that? Going your WHOLE life without a real party. Crazy.

Had fun at the party. Stayed in control. And as I said got home around 1130. I think I might go and try and sleep for a couple hours.

Y4 D92

Back home. It's helped to bring things back into check. It's always easier to feel better when surrounded by your own stuff. In your comfort zone. In your own space.

But here's a side note before I discuss yesterday; why do animals always piss, shit, or puke on carpeted areas instead of the nice, much easier to clean tile areas? Seriously. I just woke up and stepped in cat puke in the living room. Not fun. And the cat just looks at me. It's like you couldn't have done this in the bathroom or the hallway or the kitchen? No? Right on the rug in the middle of the living room? Thanks.

Left for the airport at around 4CDT yesterday morning. Dropped off the car, got through security, and was on my way to Dallas at 545. Hit Dallas about 715CDT. Got home around 1030PDT. A friend picked me up who hasn't picked me up before. I was a little worried because I realized I didn't know what kind of car they drove. Never really paid attention to it to be honest. Regardless, they were there right on time and I didn't have to stress about it. I did stress when I walked in the door and found a sink full of dishes, garbage by the front door, overflowing kitty litter, no food in the fridge, water backed up in the dishwasher, towels on the floor, and in general a tornado in my house. The kid is very lucky she was at school. I would have kicked her ass up one block and down the other. I was gone for a week and she managed to do nothing around the house? Oh, I'm sorry, she bought toilet paper. Way to go!

I then spent the next two hours fixing the dishwasher and cleaning the house. Still no food. I need to go grocery shopping this morning. The dishwasher issue was minor but messy. She used the wrong soap the other day so it was filled with bubbles and water. I just had to let it go through a complete cycle and leak all over. That's the only thing you can do in a case like this. I went through six towels keeping the floor dry but the water is gone. The rest of the house there isn't really an excuse. She could have cleaned. She could have gone to the store. By the time I was finishing up she came home. Lucky for her I was calmed down by the then. Still not 100% happy, but calmed down.

We talked about our week and I ordered pizza as she had to be back at work at 8pm. I was proud of her for one thing; she needs to have an eye exam and she has handled that all on her own. She was leaving for work early to take care of this. Well done. We watched an X-Files and then she went to work. I ended up doing all the towels and sheets last night to save me from doing them today. I have to laundry today as I have been gone. Fun stuff. At least part of it is done already.

I went off to bed about 11. Today I have more cleaning, some errands to run, and a birthday party. Need to make food for said party.

How's my head? Better. Still depressed in general, but better. At least being home I can be functional again. Of course I leave on September 3 for PA so let's see how that goes. Yes, I am losing my labor day weekend to travel. BUT I did some math - after the PA flight and the FL in October, I will be about 5,000 miles short of the next tier on American AND 5 nights short at Hilton for the next level. One more trip and I will be solid for all of 2013. Come on one more trip.

Y4 D91

Anybody there? Hey, Old Man. You home tonight? Can You spare a minute. It's about time we had a little talk. I know I'm a pretty evil fellow. I know I got no call to ask for much... but even so, You've got to admit You ain't dealt me no cards in a long time. It's beginning to look like You got things fixed so I can't never win out. Inside, outside, all of them... rules and regulations and bosses. You made me like I am. Now just where am I supposed to fit in? Old Man, I gotta tell You. I started out pretty strong and fast. But it's beginning to get to me. When does it end? What do You got in mind for me? What do I do now? Right. All right. On my knees, asking. Yeah, that's what I thought. I guess I'm pretty tough to deal with, huh? A hard case. Yeah. I guess I gotta find my own way. 

This is the first morning this week I have woken up not feeling like utter horse shit. I still don't feel great, but I am not completely fucked this morning. Yesterday's highlights? I found a crack in the windshield of the rental car which I am hoping they miss this morning when I drop it off. Probably came from the DOG I ran over on the freeway. This was all after having to start an hour late because my coworker didn't start the servers up in time and I was left with egg on my face at 8:30 in the morning. What a wonderful day.

Add to that I have a friend who completely misunderstood something I sent and thinks the completely wrong thing right now and I can't reach her which has me worried as shit.

I love my sister to death. She is trying so hard to understand what is wrong with her fucked up brother. I tried this analogy:

Imagine you're tied to a chair in a room and its constantly raining on you. There's a window in front of you and through that window its sunny and all your friends are there and they can talk to you and you can talk back but you can't leave the rain room ever. And no one on the other side sees the rain or that you're tied down. All they see is the sun and you standing off by yourself. That's how it is in my head.

It was the best I could do. Hopefully that makes sense to someone who doesn't suffer from depression. It's kind of like chronic pain - if other people don't see you bleeding buckets of blood they think you are exaggerating or being a drama queen. It's not like that, trust me. It's more a constant feeling of hopelessness, uselessness, and despair that tomorrow isn't going to be any better than today.

I have to go to the airport now. 

Y4 D90

Yesterday was a fiasco from a training perspective. Not that I did anything wrong or that any of the servers went boom - no, it was all on the client's side. All nine of the students were supposed to be there yesterday. How many did I have? 2. Yep, 2. And this isn't the kind of material where you can do one day and miss the other. It all builds on each other. I just feel dumb having come all the way to fucking Texas for 2 people. And to spend my whole day in a windowless building teaching material to two people. Frankly I get paid regardless so that's not the part that's tripping me, it's just I feel bad for them for some reason. On top of having only two people they kept getting pulled out for 'emergencies'. First one, then the other. It's ridiculous. When you bring someone in to train you, don't you kind of dedicate the time so your people can go to the training? Just saying. The students were trying to be nice and polite too - oh just keep going without me - no, that's not how HANDS ON DEMO BASED training works. You miss a part then you are not in synch with the rest of the group and the stuff doesn't work. You need to be all doing the demos together. Again, it's not like I could have done anything different, it's just fucking annoying.

Had different BBQ yesterday. The one everyone recommends. Now I see why. Shit was damn good. Well priced, good food, not overly sized portions, and a friendly atmosphere. Had that, got back to the hotel around 7, bored completely out of mind, and the depression kicked back in. No texts from anyone, no emails, no nothing. Just silence.

Which led to me thinking about this...

What most people don't realize or think about is there is a big difference between wanting to be dead and knowing you SHOULD be dead. Statistically speaking there is no reason I should be alive. I drink more than others, smoke more than others, have had more unprotected sex, fly more, drive on average more miles, eat red meat, have done more drugs, and the list goes on. And let's not forget the people in my family who have died from a genetic heart condition. From a pure statistics stand point I should have been dead a decade ago. That's a harsh realization to have to try and live up to every day. "Each day is a gift" is a cliche bunch of crap. Each day is a fucking nightmare is more accurate. Each day is a pain. Each day is another headache. That has to be why I do some of the things I do. To tempt fate, to push karma to her limits. If you're going to keep me alive, I am going to do everything in my power to challenge that. I finally have all seven ingredients for the feel good hit of the summer - nicotine, valium, vicodin, marijuana, ecstasy, alcohol, and cocaine. All seven. In my house right now. All waiting for me to get home and say hello. If I can do all of them in a 24 hour period and live...

Does it make me a god or an idiot?

Y4 D89

Sometimes sleep helps take the edge off and dull the pain. Not entirely, but enough to make things seem a little less hopeless. I went to bed last night and just laid there in the dark staring at the ceiling for a couple of hours at least. I don't remember falling asleep just laying there feeling very detached and separated from everything. Feeling very apathetic about everything in my life.

I arrived on site yesterday at 7am as the contact was supposed to be there at 7:15 and we were supposed to start at 8. At 7:20 some other person let me in the building and around 8 I was told that oops, there was a screw up and they forgot I was coming on Monday. They thought I would be there Tuesday. Because of that, 6 of my nine students were all offsite. Nice. I ended up having to change around the order of the material and work with three people instead of nine. Threw me completely off but I rolled with it and managed to make those three happy at least.

Got back to the hotel around 5 as their offices are only 4 miles from hotel. I played around on the computer for a while and then went over to a BBQ place nearby. Sucked balls. Horrible fucking food, lousy service. Barely ate any of it. Doesn't matter I am too fucking fat right now as it is. I need to lose a shit ton of weight right now. I shouldn't be eating anything at all. I am disgusting.

Came back to the room and was so bored I got into bed around 8:30. That's when I just laid there feeling hopeless. Not much else to tell.

Y4 D88

There's nothing left to say any more is there? It's just the same laundry cycle every day now. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat. Everything else is just minutia and pablum for the masses. Don't believe me? Here:

Left the house at 4 yesterday to go to the airport. Got on a plane at 5:30. Traveled all day to Texas. Arrived in Dallas, waited for a delayed connecting flight to Corpus Christi. Arrived in CC at 3:30. Got a car. Drove to the hotel. Checked into hotel. Ironed. Found place to eat. Located client's office for today. Came back to hotel. Fucked around on internet. Went to bed. Awake.

There you go. My life in a nutshell. Rinse and repeat.

Talked to no one other than the kid who has a crisis because she put dishwashing soap in the dishwasher and the kitchen became a bubble zone. She is hopefully handling that. She also had to go to the store and heaven forbid, buy toilet paper.

If there's one good thing about all my traveling is it is forcing her to be more independent. Essentially she gets to live on her own roughly one week a month. Good test run for the real world.

I need to grow up. I need to stop doing Rocky and playing with children. I need to accept I will never be a rockstar or anything important at all. Just another space monkey doomed to die alone. The sooner I accept it the sooner I can settle into a life of mundane boredom and drink myself to do death while playing nice with society. OR I could just speed up the process....

Y4 D87

Home. Got home around 3. Not a bad drive. 124 new pins total. Slept for a while. Off to the airport.

We're sorry, no one is in right now. If you'd like to leave a message please do so in Hell.

Y4 D86

Long day in the parks yesterday. They were worth it though. Picked up about 50 pins total to add to the 80 from the day before. I am pretty sure I have dupes, but I should have between 120-125 new ones to add to the board. Went back to hotel around 4 and relaxed for a while. At six I went down to my old town. Had a good dinner with my buddy and then me, him, and his girlfriend went off to the bar. I kept myself in check. Had a couple of drinks, ran into old friends, and left for the hotel at around 12:30. Was back in the room and asleep by 2.

Being in town brought back many a feeling both good and bad. Seeing certain people was also good and bad.

I think I need to rethink some stuff in my life. That has been the revelatory result of this trip. Need to decide where to go next with things. Find some kind of true middle ground and just make it through life.

Y4 D85

Too much going on. Princess breakfast. Must bounce. Be back. Head hurts. English couple. Bar. Ugh. Mad T Party. Long Island Ice Teas. UGH UGH. BREAKFAST! Tonight? Cocaine, fois gras, bitches. Yo.

Y4 D83

I was going to post before I left but NOOOO I had to have fucking drama with my director. I spent the day on standby in the house and did a few little changes for the reports. I went out with my friend at like 3:30 for drinks at happy and stayed longer than expected. Unfortunately this friend just moved back to town and isn't up on all the drama and who hates who. He made a post that referenced someone disliked by our directors and of course it was ALL MY FAULT. I was on the phone for an hour dealing with it while trying to get ready to leave. I ended up leaving late which pissed me off. But I made it to the park. Have had a long day. Will post more tomorrow morning.

Y4 D82

I have been up for a while but this has been a rush rush stressful morning already. It was the kid's first day of school and she needed a ride to the station. I slept through all my alarms and she came a knocking with five minutes to get out the door.

Yesterday was a good day. I worked all day but got everything done on schedule so today can be an 'on alert' day with my client. They are doing final testing and if everything passes in the next few hours I am solid for the whole weekend. I made fishsticks for dinner. We totally ghettoed up with fishsticks, crappy mac and cheese, and sliced tomatoes. Was kind of fun. The kid and I watched like five episodes of south park last night. My friend came over around 9 as we needed to go get her ticket for the park tomorrow.  We hung out until about 11 then off to bed.

Wow. That's pretty much it. That's my whole day in a nutshell. I didn't really do much, didn't leave the house except to go to the store to get a ticket. Damn. I guess it's good?

I did give my niece shit online last night because she is reading 50 Shades. Ugh. One, how many people know it was ORIGINALLY TWILIGHT FAN FICTION? All she did was change the fucking names. Add to that the fact that it inaccurately depicts BDSM. The shit is meant for housecows whose sex life is in the toilet and they want to be 'daring' in the bedroom. Handcuffs aren't daring bitch. Spreader bars, electric nipple clamps, isolation chambers, hot wax on private areas - THAT'S DARING. At least more so than 50 Shades. I hate the fact that shit like that can be even considered real books and sold at fucking target. If they sell it at Target, how 'dirty' do you really fucking think it is??

Sorry. Ventured off. Anyway, that was about the extent of my day. I am all packed and ready to go to the park tonight. Going to bed around 6 to get in a few hours sleep before I leave. Posts will be at odd times the next few days. In Disneyland tomorrow and Friday, coming home Saturday, then leave for Texas 4am Sunday. Whee?

Y4 D81

My mood didn't really improve yesterday. It stayed pretty flat all day. It was my sister's birthday and I felt bad because I keep forgetting to take care of her present. I want to get her an Amazon gift card not only for her birthday but because she is plain awesome. I will take care of it. It hasn't left my mind. But I was talking to her and felt like I was only giving her half of what I could have because things were dark inside my head. People without depression don't understand that it's a real thing. Just because you don't see blood pouring out of a wound doesn't mean I am not in pain. No it's not self induced pain either. It's something that triggers people like me. Could be anything. Hell it could be an ant walking across the street at the wrong angle that triggers it. Doctors don't know shit which is why their ways of 'treating' it include things like drugs, coping mechanisms, and electro-shock therapy. Because in the end even they will admit they have no fucking clue what they are doing.

Worked ALL day. Another one of those weeks where if I want to enjoy myself this weekend guilt-free, I have to cram a full week's worth of work into three days. Fair? No. But no one ever said life was fair. If I wanted fair, I would work an hourly job for a lot less money and have normal days and nights instead of a 24 hours seven day a week consultant job.

I do have a trip lined up for next month though it seems. As of right now the schedule looks like a week in TX in four days, a week in PA in September, and then a week in FL in October. I may just get the next level on American and should easily get the next level at Hilton. I will need like five or six days at Hilton and less than 10,000 miles on American.

My gift card for this weekend arrived yesterday. $100 to be used towards gas, food, etc. Between that, the paid for hotel room, and the $50 per diem, this trip should cost me little out of pocket. I don't need anything from the park (never do, but still end up buying shit), and I may go visit my buddy in the old town for dinner one night.

For dinner I made turkey burgers and finished off the mac and cheese from the other night. The kid went to campus yesterday to get books and adjust her schedule. She waited in line for two hours to end up only getting done something she could have done online. She was gone from like 7:30 to 2 and wasn't too happy about it. Welcome to the real world Neo.

Talked to another friend of mine who is going through some serious shit right now. She had a 'procedure' yesterday and while it was hard for her, in the end she knows she made the right decision and is not regretting things. It also helps that they gave her a lot of drugs after the procedure and when I talked to her she was as high as a kite. Let's see how she is doing once the drugs wear off. That's always the hard part. She was supposed to go with us this weekend but she couldn't afford the ticket. If I could I would, but I can't so I won't. That easy.

Finished up working around 7 and watched a couple of South Park episodes. I forgot how much I liked that show. I stopped watching it around 2006 once again because other people didn't like it. Go figure. God there is a small part of me that totally wants to run into her in Florida so I can say all the things that have been bubbling up for the last four years. But then again, let it go man, let it go... After SP, played some Diablo for an hour or so. I should really stop things like that and get a new girlfriend. Yeah right. I am still on OKC by the way. It's just useless for someone my age is what I have come to realize. I may, MAY, sign back up for Match or something similar. Let's see how I am feeling about it in another week. The cost is high, but I did meet a couple of nice people through there who are still friends at least. Might be better than nothing.

Went to bed around 11. Had weird ass dreams. Another day now begins...

Y4 D80

I am in a lousy ass mood this morning. Remnants from last night. I am in a place where I just want to shut down and block out the world. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to see anyone, I just want to hide. Yesterday started off pretty good too ironically.

I was up around 8 even though I was in bed at 2:30 from the show the night before. I guess that's enough sleep for one such as me.

I did some stuff around the house and then about 10:30 I headed out to pick up my friend for a picnic. We went to a lake near her house and had a nice time talking and eating. We watched some kids boating on the lake, other people fishing, etc. It was a typical time at the lake having a picnic. Except it was 50 degrees and we were both freezing our asses off. There wasn't anything bad about it though. We had fun together. I dropped her off around 1 and headed home. The kid took the car to work around 3 and I didn't see her again until 8. During that time is when I started to tailspin.

Being in the house alone does it to me because I have too much time to stare at the screen and delve into the recesses of my brain. In this case, one of my other friends just got back from Disneyland and I was chatting with her about her trip. That led to us talking about tumblr and she started following me. This caused me to spend the next hour going through all 110 pages of my main tumblr. Mis-fucking-stake. I watched the destruction of my relationship with XTGF. I started that tumblr on our first trip to Disneyland in October of last year. I saw how happy I was. I saw how happy WE were. Then the posts continued - happy posts. But at the same time I could see my self doubt, my conflicting emotions, my issues with other people. It was all there in front of me. I watched it. I watched it turn into March where we broke up. I saw myself falling apart on the screen. Then the last five months since she has been gone. Just a spiral. She made me happy. I don't care what any of you say. She made me feel good about myself more than not. She did the things I wanted someone to do. I fucking miss her. I miss being in a relationship. I miss having someone give a fuck about me. For real.

I tried to distract myself after that debacle with video games. If the fucking internet would have behaved I might have been able to succeed. But no. It wanted to be a bitch and drop which causes Diablo to drop. Fuck you Blizzard. I shouldn't need a fucking internet connection for a single player game. FUCK YOU.

When the kid got home she needed the computer to print out school stuff. She starts on Wednesday. I just said fuck it and went to bed where I laid there for two hours staring into the dark. Sadly, I had a vision of how easy it would be to hang myself off the balcony. Actually the sad part is it wouldn't be easy. And that's what I sat there figuring out. See if I make a rope long enough that I can stand on the edge of the balcony and jump, then the rope would be too long and odds are I would hit the ground below instead of dangling. So I would either need to sit on the edge of the balcony and then jump off or be pushed off. Now that just gets tricky. THIS is what I fell asleep thinking about last night.

No wonder I am in a shit mood. Add to that the fucking emails I woke up to this morning. Fucking people sending emails at 1 and 2 in the morning on a Sunday. Fuck off.

Y4 D79

Had a great day yesterday. The amusing part was at 10:30am when the kid got up and was like hey, I'm awake. My response was Way to go, I have already taken a shower, paid bills, washed the car, fed the pets, picked up the house, printed cue sheets, made mac and cheese, did the dishes, and played Batman. And yet we are so proud you got out of bed. She was amused as was I.

Honestly, I had all that done by 10:30. I then just kind of hung around. Took a nap around 1, and then we just hung out around the house. I made us pork chops for dinner and we watched a bunch of South Park until it was time to go to the show. Picked up two friends on the way to the show. One of whom is new to cast and so far we all like him. He is really good at taking care of shit, is a nice guy, and seems to be responsible. The other was someone who has been on cast for a while but due to things happening in her life was never really friendly with folks. She has gone through some changes and gotten thing together and is coming out of her shell more. It was nice talking to her and after so long actually getting to know her.

Even though we had a tight crew, got in late, and I think I sprained my toe, it was a great show. As for my toe, I tripped over a piece of costuming on stage, rolled my foot, and managed to stay upright at the expense of my big toe. It's all swollen and black and blue this morning. Regardless, everyone pulled together and knocked it out of the park. Times I enjoy what I do, the people I do it with, and look forward to doing it again.

I predicted I would be home by 2 and I hit that right on the money even with having to stop for gas. I was in bed and out by 2:20.

Today I am going on a picnic.

Y4 D78

Nothing happened here today. Well technically yesterday and ironically that's the name of the first episode in season 9 of the X-Files that we watched last night. For them something definitely happened, for me? Not so much. Quiet day. Drove my friend home, then came back and worked a little. Waited a little, went and found a picnic basket for my picnic tomorrow, went to the comic book store for the latest episode in Before Watchmen, made steaks for dinner, watched X-Files, went to bed. Yep. No drama, no emergencies, no strife. Paid a couple bills. Budgeted for next week's trip. Still ripping movies. Plus still downloading Disney movies from the site I found. I have three more to go on that and I will have every animated Disney movie ever made. Clarification on that - every animated (not partial animated) theatrically released movie. None of the direct to DVD crap. No, only real movies thank you very much. I know I am missing a couple too because the list I am working from doesn't include Cars or Cars 2. But honestly I think that's all I will be missing. My Disney directory has eclipsed the SciFi Fantasy directory finally. Only by a couple. Wow, I really didn't do anything yesterday. Huh. I am more boring than I thought. Not a real issue though. Today I have to run a couple of errands and then I have a show tonight. Early show though so I should be home and in bed by 2.

Y4 D77

While I wish I had a couple more hours sleep, and while it is later than I would like, today is starting off okay given that I was up until 3 am. I am not hungover despite drinking. I am not freaking out that I spent too much money given that I went out to dinner. Nor am I worried that I said or did anything out of line. Proof that I can enjoy myself without making an ass out of myself. I did wake up next to a pretty woman, but that's a different story. No not SG. Since Wednesday she has been incommunicado.  Unknown as to why. Not a bad thing either perhaps.

Yesterday during the day I worked as did the kid. She got a last minute call in while she was sleeping which started her day off in a bit of a rush, but not too much that she was stressed out. She got home around 2:30. I worked until about 5ish. Got a few things done for the client as well as planned out next week. Only three days next week which is nice.

I also got word that an Amex gift card is on its way to me for next week's trip. I don't know how much will be on it, but I do know it will cover gas on the way down and that's all that counts.

The kid and I watched two X-files episodes and FINALLY FINISHED SEASON 8!! ONE MORE TO GO. It has taken us a YEAR to get through 8 seasons. I so don't miss DirecTV. I have so many more shows and seasons of things. I don't care if I am current on some things. It's not that big of a deal. I keep getting mail from them too - come back, we will charge you a dollar for the first month! Please, take our unborn children! Nope. Sorry. Happy without you in my life.

Around 7 we went and picked up a friend to go meet another friend for dinner. The four of us had a nice night out and dinner for 4 with a bottle of wine was only $60. Not too shabby in my book. The kid had ahi, I had some burratta cheese thing, my other friend had a steak sandwich, and my other friend had mac and cheese. I looked pretty awesome last night, one guy and three hot women around him. I am sure it looked interesting through other people's eyes. After dinner one friend and the kid came back to the house and we stayed up watching South Park, listening to music, being goofy, and drinking lightly. Not crazy drinking. Just relaxed cocktail sipping. The kid got floopy at one point but she didn't crash. She did seem kind of perturbed at me when I said we were going to bed. She was like 'in one bed?'. That comment kind of bugged me. Yes in one bed. It's possible for two people to share a bed and not bang you know. I am going to ask her today what bugged her about that. I mean seriously, I didn't think twice about it. Plus we laid there in the dark talking for about an hour anyway. It's not like I was going to make a move on this woman. She is too much of a friend and I don't see her that way. End of story. She is just in an interesting place right now and needs friends. Which is why Sunday I am taking her on a picnic. AS A FRIEND. I am not always a douche, thank you very much.

Other news, my dad emailed me. His birthday was Wednesday and I called and left a message. I am pretty done with him right now because of his recent actions. Between the birthday present that wasn't a birthday present, his crap postings on Facebook, and his homophobic closed mind attitude, I really don't want anything to do with him. But he sends this email 'oh where is my traveling boy' kind of thing and I just deleted it. No interest. Sorry. Grow up first.

Today I need to drive my friend home, do some work, and get laundry done. No big Friday night plans as I have a pretty full weekend ahead of me.

Y4 D76

Slept through all my alarms this morning which really sucks ass because I have a meeting in a little while and I was supposed to be prepped for it. I mostly am but I was going to try one more thing before the meeting and it doesn't look like I will have time to do it. Yesterday was a combination of frustrating work followed by some happiness. Work is just annoying me right now because the requirements being asked for by the end user are not technically possible without some major hoop jumping and the timeline I have been given doesn't work. I might be able to kludge it which is what I wanted to test this morning but again, no time. Oh well. I will push forward and see what happens.

On the personal front - the kid and I took a break yesterday to get some groceries. We now have food in the house. I have found that shopping at one particular store is helping our food budget these days. Their prices are considerably lower if you suck up and let them send you emails. I saved almost $42 on my bill over the regular prices. That's a tank of gas. That's worth a few random emails a week.

After groceries we met my director at the tattoo shop. He introduced me to his artist and we discussed my next piece. We also picked up supplies for Saturday's show. I had to go back later in the night to put down the deposit and get on her books. I am now scheduled for 8/29 at 12:30pm to get a new piece done on my left forearm. AND it's paid in full basically. If it comes a little more then I will cover in cash. But worst case we are talking like and extra $40 out of pocket. I can handle that.

I did get a little frustrated with the kid yesterday and she apologized later for it. She is currently having her period and is irritable and emotional. She wanted to come on the picnic with me Sunday and I was like huh? why? Why would you want to hang out with me and X on a picnic? This isn't some group thing. Later on she realized she was silly in asking and backed down. I think she is having a "I have no friends" time of it right now. She starts school in less than a week and hopefully will make new friends. She is such a great kid but has such a hard time being social. And right now she sees me going out with people that are closer to her age and she gets pissy about it. Sorry, they were my friends first? I mean I don't know how to respond. Then on top of it, I am going to Disneyland in a week without her. She is upset about that too. Again, sorry? I am sorry I have more of a life? As pathetic as it may be?

I so want her to get the internship to Disneyland in the fall. I know it won't start until January but it will do her a world of good.

Came home around 9 and watch some south park. Something light to end the day. Needed a good laugh.

Work work work today and then dinner with friends around 8:30.

Y4 D75

It's such a catch-22 being on the road and then being home. When I am out there, I want to be here, when I am here I want to be out there. I also think the feelings are in relation to the length of time at home versus the length of time on the road. Regardless, worked yesterday and may have overcome a big technical challenge that is facing us on some reports for a client. But at the same time we have to present this morning because they are not going to like how the end result looks. It's a case where they want something but from a technical perspective it creates undesired results. I met the requirement but the way to meet it may not make them happy. We have to present in less than an hour and I am not looking forward to it. Maybe that's what it is about being on the road - when I am on the road it's usually for training and that is something where there's less surprises and issues. I am going off material that is already done, demos that work, etc. Less gotchas tend to appear on the road versus at home. Less random shit rearing its ugly head.

After work, the kid and I took a ride to IKEA. I have been feeling like the house is cluttered lately and I had a brainstorm yesterday. I ended up buying three shelves each almost 4 feet in length. I mounted them on a wall and moved all my Disney stuff to them. I now have a Disney corner. It made such a difference in how I feel about the room. It cleared up some of the clutter going on which felt good. I also like the way everything looks. Consolidates all my stuff and I look less crazy. Hey if I can look less crazy on the outside...

Talked to SG a little yesterday. Called her out once again on something. She was making some comments about coming over and I said "the thought of fucking me actually has more allure to you than actually fucking me, doesn't it". She didn't have a good answer. I am a virtual thing for her. I am something to occupy her mind and time. I am masturbation material. They say "always remember, you're someone's reason to masturbate". In this case it's true. Good?

Talked to D too. Just casual, nothing heavy. I need to figure out when I can see her again. May be a while. Wildcard and I are on the outs I think because of schedules. Time to find another one to add to my stable of women who frustrate the hell out of me. Why did XTGF have to leave? Best damn thing that has happened to me in a while, that's for sure.

Went to bed around 10 only to be woken up by a phone call from my director. One of our friends broke down near our house and he was calling to see if I could go jump him. Unfortunately, one I was in bed, but two the kid had my car and was at work. I don't know what time she even got home to be honest. Played some Diablo before bed. I think this may be the week I kill him finally.

Today I am going to interview a new tattoo artist at 2. This should be fun. I may have new ink this time tomorrow.

Y4 D74

I was totally just in a funk most of yesterday morning and afternoon. I really couldn't figure out why but then it dawned on me. Post training come down. I had just spent the last week on the road, in front of an audience all day, being the center of attention. That was the majority of my week last week. For 50 hours I was the star of the room, talking all day, smiling, and being in the light. Then Saturday I had a show which kept me in the light or at least in the center of action. Then here comes Monday. All alone at my little desk in the house. No one to talk to, no one talking to me. Let down vibes. Makes sense. It's one extreme to another basically. So I was a little bit depressed. The good thing is I used my skills from my depression class to figure out what was bugging me, examine it, and try to fix it. I mostly did by middle of the afternoon. I do feel bad for my sister though. She pinged me with some good news right when I was in the middle of the funk and I didn't show the exuberance she deserved. Therefore, Sis? YAY!! I am really happy for you guys. After all you have been through this is great news and I am glad things are going on course.

I worked all day yesterday on some stuff that was sitting on the back burner for a week for one client. They are pushing hard because I was gone for a week and I ended up working 10 plus hours for them on the issues. They knew I was going to be gone, but that still didn't stop them from wanting everything yesterday. Fine. Whatever. I fixed two of the issues yesterday and saved the big two for today. These are going to take me at least two days to fix. Upside is they know I am heads down which means no phone calls or emails until I reach out to them.

Around 5 I made the kid get dressed and finally put on clothes myself and went out to the mall. I just needed to get out of the house. The kid and I went and walked around the mall for a little while then had ramen downtown. Nothing fancy but we were both in the mood for noodles. And if you have never had real ramen, there's a huge difference between what americans think is ramen and the stuff they serve in Japan. We are lucky enough to live in an area where they have real asian food thank goodness. I had ground beef and the kid had BBQ pork. We had a nice time talking and catching up since we really haven't seen each other in a week.

Picked up some desserts at the grocery store on the way back, watched an X-Files while eating dessert, played on the internet for a while and then was in bed by 10. One of my cast mates called at like 11 but I ignored it. There was no voicemail or email so I saw no reason to follow up. My rule is if it isn't an emergency, then don't be calling me after 10pm during the week.

I did make some plans for Sunday too. I am having a picnic with a friend of mine. She is going through a real rough spot and needs some TLC. I told her I would take her on a picnic Sunday. She thought that was the best idea ever. Yeah, I know, I am awesome that way. So for the rest of this week - meeting new tattoo artist Wednesday, dinner with friends Thursday, show Saturday, and a picnic on Sunday. Not too shabby. I am trying to look at things like this to stop me from getting in a funk of "I have no life". When I look ahead it gives me something to motivate me through days like today where I really won't be doing anything exciting except working.

Which it's time to start doing...

Y4 D73

I am awake. Not really functional, but awake. I am not quite where I need to be yet this morning. Trying to clear my head of sleepy. I was able to catch up quite a bit on sleep last night. Went to bed around 9:30 and got up a little while ago but am still a little fuzzy.

Had a quiet day yesterday. Hung around the house not doing much of anything. The kid and I went out around 3 just to get out of the house. She got home around noon from XBF's house. We didn't do much of anything. Got some ice cream and stopped at a new sandwich place to grab some stuff for dinner. We watched a couple of X-Files episodes. Almost done. 5 more in season 8 and then season 9. We realized it had taken us a year to watch 8 years of TV. One of the best decisions I have ever made was canceling DirecTV. Useless it turns out for me. She crashed out on the couch around 7. I played Diablo for an hour or so and that was my day.

Nothing truly exciting happened. Texted with SG and some friends, but nothing worth mentioning, no drama, etc. A truly relaxing Sunday.

Now the new week begins. I am home until the 15th so I have about 10 days of no travel and no bullshit. This should be nice. I have a couple of things planned for the week already including a dinner with friends and a possible meeting with SG. I have learned not to count on those until I am actually naked and fucking. Otherwise the week should be rather relaxed as well. A lot of work stuff today and tomorrow.

Y4 D72

While I have not sufficient sleep to truly be caught up, I am feeling pretty good this morning. I did have a full 24 hours, that's for sure. I left the hotel at 1am CDT and it was pouring rain. I had only one friend who I had her check on me every 20 minutes or so to make sure I was doing okay. It was a 2 hour drive back to the airport in a lightning storm, on a one lane road, with no street lights most of the way. It was a pretty scary drive. I did drive cautiously and she did keep checking on me. Made it to the airport right around 3. By the time I got up to the security line it was about 3:20. Security there opens at 3:30. Funny thing I noticed yesterday was while the airport was definitely not 'dead', it was more regular flyers than my normal business flyers. I was the only one standing in the priority lane for security, the only one who was in the priority line for boarding from MN to Chicago. I had a good seat on that flight. Didn't sleep unfortunately.

Got to Chicago around 7 and did a little shopping for SG. Brought her back some drinking chocolate from Vosges. The kid still has some in the freezer from my last trip so I didn't see any need to get her anything. The chocolate isn't that much and it makes a nice gift. Hung out in the lounge for about an hour or so before heading to the gate. Same thing as in MN - lots of people, but mostly families versus priority. I was again the only one who got to board when priority access was called. I had the large exit aisle seat and I could tell what kind of people were on the plane when the couple next to me finally boarded and the guy was all confused about where the tray table was. I gently said 'it's in the arm' and he was like a caveman with fire. "LOOK DEAR! It's in the arm! Well how about that!". I am not exaggerating. It was kind of cute. Uneventful flight. Landed at home around 11:20, almost 15 minutes ahead of schedule.

My friend picked me up a little after noon and I was home by 12:30. The kid and I caught up on everything and just hung out. I ripped some movies, unpacked, and generally took it easy. She was so excited by my Big Book of Princesses. Didn't really do much in the afternoon time. Made a cheesecake for cast, slept for about an hour, ordered a pizza, and watched X-Files. Oh the kid and I had a mini-mortal kombat battle. I won 6-3. Oh yeah.

We headed off to the show around 10. Great show. Everyone had high energy, nobody was upset about anything, nobody was drunk, and everyone hit their cues/marks/songs/etc. Overall we had fun and the audience did too. I did music last night and I had a couple of fails on the songs as far as dancing, but can't win them all.

On the woman front, things were 'interesting' last night. I realized at one point I had 4 different woman there all of whom who could have called me out on my playboy manners. SG was there WITH HER HUSBAND. Although he didn't stay long. He was there briefly. I said hi to him and was polite. She unfortunately had a migraine and was not doing well. Then D was there late and her and I had the most fun. It's hard because I know it's a challenge for us to date because of schedules and distance, but whenever I am around her and do get to spend time with her, I really like her and enjoy her company. Add to that, the one I am going to marry was there, and then there was the one I have just started noticing. It was like dammit. Kid in a candy store who doesn't want the candy attacking each other or more importantly ME. Luckily Marrying Girl and I are just really good friends, SG was in too much pain to pay attention, and the other hasn't noticed me back yet. So I got to spend time with D and that worked out.

I really was a good boy last night. I didn't do anything dumb, make an ass out of myself, or step on my own dick. One of my friends did make a funny comment. She's like "you know how most people you say they have their tongue hanging out of their mouth? You have your balls hanging out of your mouth. Go get laid or something." Truth. And dammit, I am trying.

Went to pie after and got home around 4:30. Time to clean house, expenses, and relax.

Y4 D71

It's after midnight here so I can post for the day. Why up so early, well as i just typed to a friend:

it's 90 miles to the airport from here in GOOD conditions. i have to board at 5:30, meaning i need to be there at 4;30 meaning i need to drop the car off at 4 meaning i need to get gas first. hence i need to be in the MSP area by 3:45 add to that a two hour drive...

Hence, I am leaving here in a 1/2 hour. I had a GREAT day. I figured out why my class was ahead. We have been doing long days. I shared that with them and they felt relieved because it had been so much material over the course of the week. I was able to give them some lighter training and even let them go an hour early. Everyone was happy. Happy enough that they gave me a gift for training - a product they make, the Disney Big Book of Princesses. Awesome shit. Got back to the hotel around 5 and went down to the restaurant in the hotel for a quick dinner. And that's where the random happened...

Sitting at the bar and these guys come in. I can immediately tell they are not midwesterns as they can with me. They sit down next to me and small talk occurs. Turns out? They were with Smash Mouth. At least one guy was. He is their current drummer. The other two guys were with the opening act. They are here in town for some festival. That's my random ass life. Dinner at a Hilton in Mankato MN with Smash Mouth. What. Ever.

SG and I chatted all day. Somewhere along the lines, the conversation got semi-serious. Interesting. More to develop on that.

Headed up to the room around 7 and crashed until 11. I have had four hours of sleep. Let's hope I don't die. There is a huge lightning storm going on outside right now. Wish me luck and hope I get home safe....

Y4 D70

I am not as refreshed this morning as I have been the last two. That has more to do with my co-workers than the bed though. I won't pick on that bed. At all. No, it's more when annoying fucking people decide to have conversations between 1 and 3 in the morning your time and your phone and computer are binging like crazy. No, I can't turn them off either because I am in a fucking hotel room and no matter where I put things I would still hear it. Ugh.

Trained again all day. We are about three hours ahead of schedule and I have been straining my brain to figure out why when it dawned on me. Normally we do these things from 9-5/8-4/8:30-4:30 with an hour for lunch. An 8 hour day, with a 1 hour lunch and two 15 minute breaks. That makes for 6.5 hours of actual training a day. These guys however have been going from 8-5, not taking a full lunch and taking 5-10 minute breaks. More like 7.5 hours of training each day. This is of concern to me because I will probably let them out early today and don't want anyone feeling like they didn't get their money's worth, or I skipped material, etc. I have had that happen in the past and don't want any bad juju. I sent out a bunch of emails just now kind of saying this in a polite way. Hopefully that won't bite me in the ass.

After class, I decided to drive around a bit. Tried to find 'the mall' and that was a fail. The supposed mall was just a bunch of stores that were either closed or moved. Ended up just finding some place for dinner, bringing it back to the room, and hanging out here.

Talked with my sister about our dad. He's a fucking idiot. I called him out on his facebook page about his views. I slammed all of his posts about gay marriage and gay rights. I don't get how a guy who used to be hard core like him can be such a close minded asshole these days. I may be a lot of things, but a hypocrite I am not. Seriously it's annoying all the shit he posts about this. How Obama is ruining health care, how the gays are taking over, blah blah fucking blah. Douchebag. I want nothing to do with people like that ever.

Talked to SG a LOT again. She made some comment at one point and I responded in a way that made her say 'really? you'd do that?'. I told her yes, but only if we were in a real relationship and there was a future for us. While I know she got the meaning behind my words, she switched it to - 'if we were in a real relationship I would let you collar me'. Oh damn damn damn. Fine. I looked up custom colors and made a very nice pink leather with suede lining, baby blue jewels, and studs spelling OWNED. Play with me baby, play with me.

Got into a fun hijack thread on FB where we took a simple post and turned it into a 200 message thread of nothingness. Love when that happens. Okay time to check in for my flight. Hope for upgrade, hope for upgrade. I did get my status back FINALLY on American so my chances are good...

Y4 D69

I want to marry this bed and live with it forever. Seriously. It makes me want to go home and burn my mattress.

Yesterday was a tough day for my class. We started the second topic (this is a two subject matter class and we made it through the first one Mon and Tues). I warned them that starting Wednesday the material would be getting more challenging and they found that out by the lunch break. When we finished up at 5, they were beat up. I could see it in their faces. I know this is tough stuff. These are two of the most challenging pieces of software to learn. But they got through the day. Let's see how much they retained.

After class even I was pretty beat and just needed to sit and relax. I went around the corner to the same place as Tuesday night, had a sandwich for dinner and a couple of drinks. Didn't stay out too late. Went out to dinner around 6:30 and was back in the hotel by 9. Just sat staring at the olympics while eating. Didn't get into any trouble.

I did get into 'trouble' with that other client. This time though they are taking part of the blame. It seems something I did a while back broke in production yesterday. Um, not my fault? You signed off on it during development. You should have tested this one scenario. Sorry you missed a use case and signed off? I will get to it when I get to it.

However. In the virtual world? I was all sorts of damaging. First off - to my buddy and he knows who he is - dude seriously? Man I cannot even comprehend that and don't know how I would be feeling if I were in your position.  To my other friend - come on, past is the past.

Okay, that out of the way... SG and I talked A LOT yesterday. And by talk I mean virtual fucking. At one point she tells me "I am masturbating to the thought of you fucking me because you are not here fucking me right now". Gah. That just gives you the tone of how are conversations went. That was the tame part of it too. I have never really sexted before because well, just because. Last night took the cake. It was just dirty comment after dirty comment. The best was "I am sitting in my car right now waiting for my friends to come out. Is it evil if I tell you I have a vibrator with me and can use it without being seen?". Nope. Not evil at all. Go for it.

On top of talking to her, Wildcard and I talked. She is more reserved. Not totally, but there's a difference. Her age makes her more subtle about things. It was still text flirting with an overtone of sexual innuendo, but look at the difference just in my description. One wants to fuck insanely, the other wants to say the same things, but has learned restraint as an adult.

OH! I did get some good news. My new batch of pins arrived while I was gone. This should give me at least 100-150 for my next trip in two weeks. Hey, I will be back in the park in two weeks. YAY!

What else... I did phone shots with a friend. It sounds really stupid, but it makes me feel connected to folks back home. I think that's why I am not spiraling as hard on this trip as I did on the last one. I feel like there are people at home thinking about me. Maybe it's the attention from SG and Wildcard. Maybe it's the phone shots with friends. Regardless, I am not feeling as isolated as I did in ... where the fuck was I? Oh yeah, Memphis. I felt very disconnected there. Here it's not as bad. Maybe too because I have been to this part of the world before and am more comfortable. Regardless, I am not in the same fucked up head space. I am still depressed. I think I will always be depressed, but a good bed, friends, and virtual sex can help keep it at bay. Keep the dog on the porch if you will. Plus knowing Disneyland is right around the corner and the hotel is paid for helps. I also have my per diem while I am there. That helps too. I am going to use it to take the kid to a princess breakfast. I need to make that reservation today.

Off to the office. Another solid day ahead of us.

Y4 D68

Slept like the dead again. I need a new mattress. Yeah I know I bought one recently but it was a cheap ass one which while better than what I had, it's still a cheap ass mattress. The one here is AWESOME. I hit the pillow and I am out and I am sleeping through the night. Had a great dinner last night too. I found a decent restaurant around the corner that serves some pretty darn good stuff. The fish tacos were fantastic. It was dead, then busy, then dead again. I got there about 6:30 and left at like 9:30. I was pretty much the only person at the bar for a large majority of the night. The bartender and I got to talking and we ended up having fun talking. At the end of the night I met one of the chefs and we sat having a drink. She was pretty darn cute too.

Stuff happened during the day, but it honestly isn't that exciting. I taught from 8 right up until 5. I did get a phone call from one of my co-workers about another project. They thought I was working on something and I was told to wait until we had a green light in writing. They claimed they gave me a verbal green light. Sorry, not good enough. If I went ahead and did the work without a confirmed green light and then they chose not to pay? Nope. I need an in writing solid yes you can work on this. So now when I get home I am going to find myself scrambling to get things done by like Wednesday. Whatever. Same shit different week.

Class went well. It's a hard topic and the students were able to keep up. I know it was a bit stressful for some of them, but they hung in there and got through the material. 3 more days of this. This is going to be a long week, isn't it?

That's about it. Nothing else really went down. Got a text from the Wildcard. That's my new name for her by the way, Wildcard. She's the one I met on drunk Friday and thought I had blown my chances of seeing again. Nope, she wants to see me when I get home. Okay. I am down with that. Totally random too. I was sitting enjoying a drink talking to SG and another friend when bam, I get this text. Cool.

Oh, I did have a long conversation with another friend about the meaning of love. That was interesting. Forced me to think about what that word really means to me if anything. In the end we came away agreeing there are different facets and shades of love and it doesn't always mean the same thing to everyone involved.

Off to day three...