Y3 D341

I hate other people's drama. No seriously. I have enough of my own that when I get sucked into the vortex of other people's shit it drives me nuts. I don't mean real problems that I can help a friend out with in terms of advice or other things, I mean the bullshit stupid drama that has no relevance and is just a time and energy suck. I have friends who are going through some real shit right now and I am there for them. This other thing that I just woke up to? Stupid shit. Allow me to elaborate...

I just woke up a little while ago to multiple texts and emails trying to reach one of the folks on my tech crew. It seems that sometime while I was sleeping like a normal person some emails were exchanged between this person and my director and she is pissed. I don't know what the emails said, or the context or anything, but somehow at 1 in the morning, I am supposed to know how to reach and get ahold of the person in question? Um. No. Not how I like to start my day.

I had a decent day yesterday. The kid worked from 9-2:30 so I had the house to myself most of the morning. I cleaned, organized, sat around, played a little Deus Ex, took a nice ride on the bike, and pretty much moved at a slow pace. After she got home we went to the grocery store to pick some stuff up for dinner. Made fish burritos. Not bad. Nothing exciting, but they weren't bad. We watched X-Files and finally finished season 6. Only three more to go and we are done!! It's only taken us a year. Jeez.

That's about the extent of my day. I dealt with the shit from Saturday night in the best way I could. Hopefully it will help, but given the texts/emails of this morning, I am not sure what the fallout is going to be this week. Let's put on the waders because the shit's about to get deep up in here...

Y3 D340

I am going to post my shit first then I get to write my tech crew a fun email. We had what can only be summed up as a not so good show last night. But the interesting this is WHY the show wasn't good. It wasn't because we missed cues (okay we missed a couple), or that someone broke something (well one prop), or even that someone got hurt (um, damn, yeah that happened too). It was because people let too much of their personal lives seep into the show during performance time and they were too busy with all that then the show at hand. Unlike my director who blew up at everyone and made everyone feel horrible, I have to think of a way to spin this so that it comes across as login rather than emotion. Emotion is not going to solve the problem or help us for the next show. It's just going to isolate and piss people off more which is not the desired result. I think I have it figured out but I need a little more time to think it through.

Now my day on the other hand for the most part was pretty enjoyable. The kid and I had an adventure in the city for the most part of the day. We headed up around 9 on the morning train and proceeded to just bum around. We went to the Disney store, some clothing stores, had a great burger, got a new piercing, talked, relaxed, and had fun.

Oh that? Yeah, I got a new piercing. Right ear, tragus, 14g captive. I like it. It balance my ears out now. To people without tattoos or piercings it's hard to explain, but there becomes this mental urge for symmetry. Recently some group announced the 'most beautiful woman' based on science. You look at a picture of this person and you're like wow she is gorgeous. No makeup, no fancy clothes, just beautiful. Then they explain why - it's because she has perfect symmetry in terms of how far her eyes are apart, the lip top to nose ratio, her ears to cheek ratio, etc. Because of the layout of her face, we are instinctively drawn to her. Same thing when you have tattoos and piercings. You end up striving for this type of symmetry in them. Hence, new hole in my head.

We got home around 3 and both of us rested before the show. We had taco bell for dinner because we didn't want to eat anything really, and then headed up to the show. Things started out okay. I was on music for the first part of the show and even though it was a new theater, I managed to get patched into their sound system without too many problems. Then people started showing up. Our people. One was drunk, one had a migraine, two are dating now and that's creating tension, one was hanging all over the kid's XBF - just a shit ton of personal drama that ended up falling on me as a department head to deal with instead of enjoying myself.

We got our asses chewed out after the show but I felt good about one thing. I handled it very calmly and in an adult fashion. What I hope the rest of the cast saw was our director losing it while I was being cool and not yelling back or being a douche. I hope that they have a certain respect for me in regards to how I handled myself given the situation. That's all I can ask for in a case like this.

Got home again around 3, went to bed.

Time to send that email...

Y3 D339

Let's talk about two things this morning before we get into other stuff. First off, alcohol. Alcohol consumption can be a very tricky thing. Most people forget one simple rule - it's a depressant. We think it makes us happy, and it does initially, but the reality is it's a depressant. The trick is to get past it. See, when you go out and have a couple of drinks, it's just enough to stimulate the dopamine or whatever in your brain to make you feel pretty good. You're laughing, smiling, having fun. Then the third drink gets into your system and you start feeling a little low. By the fifth drink you are a wounded mess. A big pile of shit whining about everything wrong in your life and how your mother didn't breast feed you enough and blah blah blah. BUT, if you can do it without hitting too drunk or sick, the next few drinks are like an invisible barrier you push through. When done right, you return back from the self-deprecation and wallowing to just enjoying yourself. Though this is a tricky precipice. One too many more and you will hit the sick zone. Not enough and you hover between the self-loathing and the happy and quite be in one or the other.

Last night I managed to ride the zone perfectly. I had a couple of drinks and was having fun. Then I realized I was in a bar by myself on a Friday night with no hope of that changing. That's when the depression kicked in. Instead of stopping though, I kept drinking. The next hour was misery not only for me, but my friends. Which is the other topic we are going to talk about in a minute. Plainly put that hour to hour and a half was pure hell inside my head. Everything I have done wrong, everything that I have fucked up, being alone - you name it, they were all coming out to play. I left the first bar not feeling good about myself. I was downtown, no car because the kid took it for her date, alone, and feeling awful. A friend of mine had popped into the bar while I was there and he told me to stop by his restaurant later if I was bored. I figured what the hell, I could use some food anyway. Also it's right near the train station. Worse case I have a drink, some food, and get on the train. He introduced me to his bartender who I got along with right off the bat. Him and I ended up talking and he made me a very relaxed drink. That did it. It took me to the next level. I was free again. I started to enjoy myself again. I sat there for about an hour having a couple of drinks, some food, and not going crazy with money or my mouth and I made it. I made it through the abyss. Without being too drunk or doing anything stupid or puking, etc.

As for my friends - thank you. Thank you for knowing me well enough to listen during that self wallowing part of the night. Thank you for smacking me when I need smacking and for just nodding your head when I need you to. I have the most amazing friends a guy could ask for in the world. You are all awesome. I am sure I tire you out sometimes, hell I tire myself, but thank you for not giving up on me or abandoning me. I need you and am grateful for you in my life.

We now return you to your regular programming...

Yesterday I got up and had a brow appointment first thing. I then took the bird to the breeder for a wing, beak, and nail trim. That would have been a minor thing except that round trip, the breeder is a 3 hour journey. That pretty much took up the majority of my day. I am planning to do some work this weekend which will get me off the hook as far as hours, but it still was a wasted day work wise. Although I did get one message during the day. It looks like I am going back to SC. They want me back to do a week's worth of training next month. I will keep my streak of traveling every month rolling with this. As of right now, I have SC in May, and Dallas in June. That will be 9 months - no wait 10! - of at least one week on the road.

Came home and relaxed until about 4 when I had the kid drop me off downtown. Her and I need to talk today about her car. I was VERY pissed last night because I had to walk home. Not that it was her fault but she added to the stress.

Yes, I skipped some stuff in there because you read about it at the top. From 4 - 9 I was drinking. Enough said. Except that my fried was SUPPOSED to meet me downtown to get the keys to the prop van and he stood me up. Not only did that fuck my mood even more initially, but I ended up walking home. A distance of a little over three miles. Oh look, guess who is driving next to me when I am a quarter mile from home. My late friend. He was very apologetic but he did let me chew his ass out which made me feel better. I am sorry, but if you make a commitment then stick to it. Seriously. When you don't think about the impact you are having on other people it sucks. I could have taken a cab but here in suburbia you can't just flag a cab down. You have to call and wait. By the time one gets there, you could have walked. Which I did.

Went to bed around 11. I don't know what time the kid got home. Her and I are supposed to have an adventure today. Let's see if that happens...

Y3 D338

I don't know what I did differently last night, but I slept well this time. I need to start doing some scientific research on this shit. Or I just need a better bed? My mattress is okay, but it definitely isn't anything special, that's for sure.

Went onsite to a client yesterday. I do like this client in the terms of how fast they move or technically their lack thereof. It was one of those 'oh yeah the person who needs to answer that question is out of the country for a couple of weeks. They should be back next week. So don't worry about it, we will get to it'. Should be back? Um okay. I *should* be back home this afternoon barring distractions such as life.

Meh, not complaining just amused. Came home, work on their stuff for a little while, worked on some other stuff then called it a day. The kid and I went for an afternoon adventure just to get out of the house. Nothing exciting, just a town over for some downtown walking. We both needed to stretch our legs. I made us pork chops for dinner and we watched a movie - Rango. You know, I never saw it when it came out and I didn't really miss much, did I? I mean it wasn't bad per se, but it wasn't anything exciting either. Kind of meh.

We watched some xfiles, I played some Deus Ex (almost done btw, another game to add to my collection of finished games thank you very much), then went to bed.

Another exciting day in the life of he who shall be alone...

Y3 D337

I love my sister. She is amazing. Even when I am at my lowest she still loves me and wants to help me. I am lucky to have her. Yesterday she emailed me about things and even after my reply which was a horrible, rude, self-deprecating mess of a reply, she replies simply with 'well i still love you'. Dammit, hard to be self pitying when you get that. And then my buddy sends me a snarky but heart felt message telling me to stop whining. Fine. I am done whining. For both of them.

Slept like total shit last night. Not functional at all this morning. Went to bed around 10:30, tossed and turned for an hour plus, then woke up at 2:30 and freaked out. I couldn't find my phone. Which is how I knew it was 2:30 because I got up to look for my phone. After sending it emails and then calling it from google chat, I found it under the bed. Must have fallen off the nightstand. But that kept me up until 3. Then the alarms started going off at six. I feel like shit right now.

Worked yesterday and made no progress on something. I have to barrel through it today when I get back from another client. I want to take tomorrow off to deal with some shit, but not if I don't get through this report. Too much at once.

Kid had class in the afternoon but she fucked up. Turned out she DIDN'T have class because of some charity thing going on at the same time her teacher was involved in. So she wasted a trip into the city, the train fare, etc. On top of it, it started raining on her last night. Yet when she got off the train she was in a good mood. Probably because she has a date tomorrow night. Lucky her. Me? I plan to clean the house tomorrow night. Whoo...

We ran a couple of errands after getting her at the train, came home, she went on the internet and I played Deus Ex until the above bedtime fiasco.

See? No whining. Happy?

Y3 D336

If I were gone, would anyone miss me? I posed that question the other day on my tumblr feed. You know how many responses I got? One. From X2's sister. One. One lousy response. So I guess that answers my question? I mean really who would miss me? I mean ME not the me who:

- pays the rent
- pays the bills
- puts food in the fridge
- feeds the zoo
- drives the van
- moves props around
- drives people places

I mean the real me. If I stopped doing all of the above, then the person who is left, would he be missed? I have never in my life had someone so excited and happy to see me that they have run from across a room and throw their arms around me. I have never had anyone give me a kiss that feels like it was the last kiss in the universe. No one has ever said they couldn't live without me. No one has ever loved me like that.

And odds are, no one ever will.

Yes, I want a fairy tale sometimes. I want the relationship where we can watch the sunset sitting on the beach holding hands not saying a fucking word. Yes. I want it all. Well, at least I think I did. I don't know what I want any more because all I see is a ticking clock. Every day more of me fades away. More of disappears into some hole never to come back. And no one will miss me.

Y3 D335

I don't feel like writing today. I don't feel like doing anything today except hiding away and not talking to anyone about anything. I don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone or be anyone. It's a good thing I don't keep guns in the house. Not that I would use a gun anyway. Too messy. Same thing with razor blades. Not to mention where the hell do you even find straight razor blades any more? Do they sell them anywhere? Hanging is out because I have no beams or hooks or anything in the house that would work. I would have to do it off the balcony and then my body would be found too quickly. No garage so no carbon monoxide poisoning. My best bet is to drive into traffic while on the motorcycle. If I use the car there's too much chance of the airbags popping and me just ending up broken boned. But on the bike? One right swerve in front of a semi and splat. The wheels would finish what the collision doesn't take care of on impact. Plus the insurance would cover the bike debt. Easy enough to make a motorcycle accident look exactly like that, an accident. A little bit of gravel or oil on the road, back tire spins out, slide into on coming semi truck. Bam. Gone and done.

Y3 D334

Yesterday wasn't bad, but not very exciting either. The sadness is still lingering in the back of my brain and keeping me from really taking any pleasure in anything. It's just back there nibbling at everything. I realized yesterday morning I was mostly sad at the party on Saturday night because I had no one to share it with nor anyone waiting at home nor did I want to deal with trying to meet anyone, etc. Dammit the last eight months were so much easier. It will be a month tomorrow. And three years since X2 in another 30 days. In three years, I have had one decent fucking relationship and even that didn't work out right. Fuck me.

Spent most of the morning in the house doing nothing. The kid had a date at 1 with some guy she met on OkCupid. I made her send me his name and number just in case. She left around 12:45 to meet him downtown. I planned on just getting on the motorcycle and riding. My friend sent me an IM saying how he was pissed at our other friend. Why? Because they were supposed to go to the city for the cherry blossom parade and he totally stood him up. I told him I was headed his way and I would drop my bike at his house and we could go get ice cream. Which we did. We also stopped at the video store where I found a copy of Shock Treatment. I had ripped it from my friend's copy, but it was 8gb and I needed a dual layer to burn it. A pack of dual layers is $40. A new copy of the movie? $12. Guess which one I bought?

Headed back home around 3. The kid got home around 5. She had fun on her date. They had ramen and hung around downtown. Nothing exciting. They will probably see each other again. Good for her. Yeah, there's some venom in that comment. No lying.

Watched some tv, went to bed. Fuck. My. Life.

Y3 D333

33 days to go in this year. Will it have a happy ending or will it be the same as the other two years? Only one way to find out - stay alive long enough to see it end.

Had a good day yesterday. The kid and I went out to Best Buy and got one of the 400 Disney movies we are missing. We realized we have very few Disney movies on DVD or Blu-ray. Almost everything we have is on VHS which is obviously useless. We picked up Lion King. I know, I know. You'd think that would be one we already have but...

After that we had some lunch at Chipotle and then went into an antique store. I found a couple of pins that were about 30% less than what they were selling for on eBay. These are Limited Edition pins that don't come in normal trader bags which is why I picked them up.

Came home and relaxed until it was time to head to my friend's birthday party. Once I got over my initial grumpiness I had fun. It was hot yesterday and I was sort of grumpy all day. Not in a bad mood just more a blah mood. I brought my platypus stuffed animal and took dozens of pictures with him which was fun. I am going to post them all today.

Was home by 11 and in bed by 11:30. A mellow night to end a mellow day. Today promises to be more of the same. Alone and mellow. Whee.

Y3 D332

Nothing like waking up sideways. Not just at an angle, but completely sideways in bed. I guess it's better than waking up the wrong which I have done as well. I have been up for a while but the house is a mess and I have been trying to take care of the larger portions of the problem. The smaller parts I will deal with later but I wanted the glasses, empty cans, food plates, etc out of the way first.

Yes, there was a party here last night. Nothing major - like 8 or 9 of us? That includes me and the kid. Was very last minute and impromptu. I hit a roadblock yesterday morning with work around 11 and just said screw it, I am playing hooky. I will make up what I need to do before my Monday meeting on Sunday. I took the kid and we went off to Ikea. She needs a shelf in her bedroom and we picked one up. Also had good father/daughter time. Just a trip to Ikea for some meatballs and alone time. Was kind of nice. We spend time together all the time now that she is here, but it's still nice to just go off especially since we saw less of each other when she had KXBF and I had TXGF. After Ikea we hit the mall because there was a major accident on the freeway and we decided to let it clear up first. We walked around the mall doing nothing in particular.

Got home around 2 and around 4 I headed down to a local bar to meet a friend of mine. We were there until about 7:30 and another friend joined us. The three of us headed back to my place where the kid and another friend were already hanging out. That's when I called a couple more and it became a little party.

The best part was when we cut my friend's hair. Yep. Someone let me go at their head drunk with a razor. Oh my god he looks incredible. He had this big giant jew fro going on and we took it down to a clean cut.  He looks amazing. Every girl in my place went from seeing him as the lovable stoner guy to holy shit he's hot I would fuck him now. Seriously it was that big of a difference. Let's see if he can maintain it.

Next thing was a game of scrabble followed by a game of clue, nail painting, and then we decided to make over one of the girls here. She was not happy especially since we just did one eye. So one eye was all pretty and one was normal. She looked goofy as hell especially since we were all toasted at that point. And yes, one hand of mine has this weird ass nail color on it. Just one hand. Sigh. At the bar I had been drinking gin and tonics but when I got home it turned into ghetto night as one of the guys stopped at the store for Four Lokos. Lordy lordy. Three of those on top of the G&Ts? Yeah pretty damn happy by the time 12:30 rolled around and I decided I would make crepes. Yep. Crepes at 12:30am. Strawberry banana nutella crepes. Turned out well for drunk kitchen and no injuries. Around 1:30 a few people had already left, but a couple more were still playing a game so I went to bed and told them to lock up when they left. I love having friends I can do that with. I don't have to worry. I trust them to respect my stuff and to be good. Although their cleaning skills could use a little work. Meh, if that's the worse that they do so be it.

This morning there is only one person here besides me and the kid and I knew he was going to stay. He told me before I went to bed he was going to crash so no issue.

Time to clean and get ready for a birthday party tonight.

Y3 D331

Meh. That best describes not only yesterday but just everything right now. I am very meh. Don't have much motivation to do anything or be around anyone. Worked during the day yesterday as did he kid. She worked from 9:30 - 2. I worked from 7 to 4. I cooked dinner for some friends last night. I had promised them a while back that when they got back from their honeymoon I would make them a welcome home dinner. They are back and I honored my promise. Made them crepes as per their request. It was nice hanging out with different people. Especially people who don't equate dinner and hanging out with drinking. But that was just a couple of hours so it's not like it was a huge portion of my day. The rest of the day was spent in a funk just focused on being in the house and working. Today looks like more of the same. I have an invite to go to a birthday party tonight but it's a bit of a drive and I don't know if I am going to be up to it. Wow. Not a whole lot to say right now.

Oh wait, there was one interesting thing that happened yesterday. My new pin order arrived. I got 100 pins off ebay and out of 100, 79 were new to the board. That gave me some pleasure. I now have 368 unique pins. Only 67,000 and change to go. My reason for staying alive? I won't end it until I have all 67,000 pins? Yeah right.

Y3 D330

I managed to have another decent night. Again slept on the other side of the bed too. I went to bed around 9:30 and woke up at 3:10 but fell back to sleep unti 6:30. I think part of it is I have nowhere to be this week. If I had to get up I would, but I don't. I am working very independently this week with no meetings other than the one on Monday. I have a couple of goals I have to meet, but the time of day I hit them is irrelevant.

Worked all day yesterday. The general feeling of sadness has yet to pass. I am still feeling it. Don't really feel like being sociable or having any human interaction again. Man TXGF was good at helping to keep that in check. Speaking of her, I had my first official dream about her since the breakup. Not just a passing moment, but one where she was the central figure. It wasn't a bad dream either. We actually were friends in the dream. And there was a grasshopper walking across the floor. Yeah, weird, I know.

Kid had class in the late afternoon. Took her to the train and then came back home to be alone. I was torn between going out and staying in and decided to stay in. Didn't really have anywhere to go and didn't want to ramble around uselessly. Ended up playing Deus Ex. I did get past a boss I was stuck on which was cool. Finally advanced the main story line.

Picked the kid up at nine, came back home, and went to bed.

Not a very exciting day, huh? Welcome to the new and improved world of me. Oh wait. It's the same as it was before TXGF. Yay me.

Y3 D329

Yeah not so good last night. Went to bed around 10:30 and tossed and turned, woke up around 2, couldn't fall back to sleep until 3, then slept through my alarms until 7. Not a good night. All day yesterday I had this malaise over me. It's still there mostly. Just this general sadness. I think the loneliness is really starting to kick in. It's been a month since we have seen or talked to each other and it's starting to hit. I am right back where I was 9 months ago in terms of trying to meet someone and it sucks. Yes, I do need to meet someone. You can sit here and say 'well maybe you need to be alone' blah blah blah. If the last 8 months taught me anything it's that I am happier when I am part of a couple. There is no question about this. I need the connection. Not just the physical but the emotional as well. I am not as functional when I am alone. I get all wrapped up in my head. This sucks.

Worked all day during the day. The kid went out around 10 to the museum with her grandmother. Came home around 2. She enjoyed herself. I worked. We met a friend downtown for dinner last night. She had been out of town to see the final show of a band her friend is in. We got to hear her adventures and I think in some ways it just made both me and the kid more frustrated and jealous. Dinner was fun and it felt good to get out of the house, but the sadness is and was lingering throughout.

Today is more of the same. I don't get the whole house to myself any more on wednesdays as the kid only has night classes until the end of the semester, but whatever. It's not like I am doing anything anyway...

Y3 D328

Holy schmoley I did it again! Not quite 8 hours of sleep this time, but still pretty close. I realized what the last two nights had in common when I woke up this morning - I slept on the other side of the bed. I know it's sounds dumb, but I think this might be an indicator it's time to flip and rotate the mattress. If I can sleep well on the other side, then my normal side must be getting a little soft.

Worked all day yesterday until I had to take the kid to the train at three. She was moping around the house most of the morning. I think it was due to her mother rudely waking her up at 7am with annoying texts and a phone call like she did to me the other day. Of course I will be blamed for her not answering. Everything is my fault.

After I dropped the kid off I hit target for odds and ends needed around the house. Stupid stuff like shampoo, razors, etc. Nothing major or crazy. Came back, worked some more, had some dinner, played some Deus Ex (which btw is pissing me off. I am stuck in this one building and can't get past the boss fight), then stopped off at the mall before picking the kid up at the train.

Because she was so mopey yesterday I decided to make her night. She had seen a Pascal the Chameleon stuffed animal she wanted and I surprised her with it. It made her smile.

Came home, got into bed, read for about an hour and went to sleep. I was feeling kind of sad starting around about 7 last night. Not sure why, just a little bit of lonely mixed with a little bit of sad. But it's gone this morning thank goodness.

Today is more work followed by nothing. Maybe another full night of sleep?

Y3 D327

With the exception of waking up once at 11:48, I slept through the entire night for a full 8 hours of sleep. Wow. Neat. I think for the first time in a long time I might finally be nearing being caught up on sleep. Being single does have that one advantage.

Got up around 8:30 yesterday and for the most part spent the day indoors. I tried to get a jump on laundry but it was about 10 when I started. I was a bit frustrated with the kid while I was doing it because it was a lot of freaking laundry. I have been working from home with the exception of my trip and I just didn't have all that much. Her? A mountain. She needs to start learning how to do laundry. She got home from work around 1 to find me on the couch with a bit of a scowl on my face. When she asked what was wrong I pointed to the giant mound of clothes on her bed. "Oh". Yeah, oh. She had like a month's worth of clothes in there. I mean I wasn't really mad, it was just a lot of laundry. My big issue was I didn't want it ending up on the floor either. It took her over an hour but she got it all put away which made me happy.

I got a call from my director around 9 and we talked about Saturday's show. Nothing bad on my part. We talked about the possibility of merging tech and security into one department with him and I in charge of things. I can handle that. Make me the head of everyone except performers which is his wife's domain. We'll see how things play out in the next week or so.

We also got our summer show and rehearsal scheduled. Starting in May I won't have a weekend free until September. We are doing all of our regular shows plus a comic convention, an outdoor city show, and a college campus show.  It will be crazy busy but it will also keep me distracted and out of trouble.

Played some Deus Ex and got pretty far in the story. I am sticking to my goal of trying to finish games before buying new ones. The only exception to this will be Diablo 3 when it comes out, but I don't think anyone can hold that against me. It's Diablo man!

Around 6 the kid and I decided to have BBQ for dinner. We went and got a big ol' feast and came home, sat on the floor, and watched Fineas and Pherb while eating ribs. Fun times. Watched the Simpsons, went to bed. A good relaxing day where things got taken care of without stress and was able to relax.

Now back to the grind of work. I don't really know what's on the plate for this week but I have a meeting in an hour to find out.

Y3 D326

Not a bad day yesterday. Took care of some stuff around the house, went to the bank, paid bills - ah, payday bill day, that forty seconds before the next email comes in where I all my bills are paid and I can feel at ease - went to the store for some odds and ends, and basically chilled.

Kid worked 9-1 so she was gone for most of the morning. I caught up on the old dvr while she was at work, then we had some lunch and did the above mentioned errands. Her stupid mother sent me a rambling five page text at some point but I pretty much ignored it.

Left for the show around 6 something because we had to pick up the cast van on our way. We went to the storage place where it's parked, swapped out to the truck, and headed to the theater about 7. We didn't need to be there until 8:30 so we went over to mimi's and had a decent dinner. Wasn't anything great, but it was okay for what it was. I do love being in 'show mode' in a place like that. When I get ready for a show, I do a bit of dress up if you will. Black nails, sometimes some eye liner, all black clothing, etc. To be in a place like Mimi's at 7:30 looking like I am ready to club is always a good laugh.

Did the show and for the most part no major issues except for penis dude. Yep. Penis dude. As part of the pre-show we had our virgins on stage and we try to pick ones who look like they aren't going to cause trouble to play games and this guy was my age, looked normal so we took a chance. We had them doing simon says and the last thing is 'simon says gay dance while the audience cheers'. So far so good. He decides to be funny and drop his pants to his boxers. Acceptable. Fun. Ha ha. We all are having a laugh until he drops his boxers. No no no no. BAD. There are 15 year olds in this audience. Bad dude. Very bad.

Got home around 2 and went to bed. Time to do laundry.

Y3 D325

What a day yesterday. Up for over 24 hours total. I got up at 2:45am EST, left for the airport at 3:30am. I was very pissed off when I got to the airport yesterday. The airport was roughly 30 miles from my hotel. It's Ohio, everything is 30 miles away from everything else it seems. I didn't get gas when I left the hotel because I figured there would be a gas station closer to the airport. And there was, except none of them were fucking open at 4am. I don't know what time gas stations open in Ohio but apparently not before 4. I ended up having to drop the car off with only a 1/2 tank of gas and paid EIGHT FUCKING DOLLARS A GALLON. $80 in goddamn gas. Let's just say I was not happy at all. That's how my day started. Left Ohio at 5:50 and arrived in Chicago at 6:05 CST. My flight was scheduled to board at 8:30 which wasn't bad. It gave me time to go outside, have a smoke, relax, have a glass of champagne (which I had hoped was going to help me sleep), and get some chocolate to bring home. I get to my gate around 8:15 and we sit and sit and sit. Around 9:10 we have to make a gate change. All of us like lemmings moving from one gate to another. We finally board an hour late and take off at 10am CST. The flight was not bad. It wasn't crowded and I ended up with an empty seat next to me. It was for all intents and purposes a good flight. Got home at around 12:30PST. Add that up - 12:30PST = 3:30EST and I had been up since 2:45EST already. Damn.

Since the kid is afraid to drive to the airport, I took the public transportation from the airport to the train station where she picked me up. That only took another 45 minutes out of my day.

Finally got home around 1:45. Ugh.

When we got home the kid says to me "oh yeah, mom says to tell you that you waste too much money on disney stuff and should be buying me glasses and she's pissed you de-friended her on facebook". WTF? Really? Seriously??

The kid worked from 6-10 so when she left at 6, I finally had a conversation with X1 that was severely long over due. We had it out. I told her if she has a problem with me to take it up with me. No more passing messages. And frankly, she doesn't need to talk to me anyway. We are not married, we don't have a small child, and I owe you nothing. It was an hour of screaming (her) and getting pissed but I finally got a lot of things off my chest. Worth the aggravation.

My friend worked late so she stopped by for a cocktail and to relax. She hung out until the kid came home and then the three sat and talked about stupid shit until about midnight. 24 hours straight yesterday. And tonight I have a show...

Y3 D324

I am not sure if it is even technically Friday in my own time zone, but I am up and I need to post now because I have to leave for the airport soon. Deal.

I think I finally figured out what's truly wrong with me - Arrested Development. No, not the TV show of the same name. I just never really put two and two together for some reason. Why do my interests and attitude not fit someone of my physical age? Because mentally I am not my physical age. I am stuck. I never moved passed a certain marker. Technically the term refers to someone who is mentally stuck at at an age usually due to trauma or a life altering issue that happened at that age. The next question is where am I stuck? Am I stuck at 16 when my mother died in front of me and my stepfather walked away? Am I stuck at 18 where my grandfather died and I assumed all the responsibility of a family because I was the only male left? Am I stuck at 21 when I was first married and found out about X1's problem with fidelity? Am I stuck at 25 when my world shattered the first time and I found myself alone, divorced, and unsure where to go next? I think it's some combination of all those. Basically I never left my 20s in my brain. I am stuck somewhere in there. How do I move past it? How to 'break' the hold it has on me and get moving on internally? Or frankly do I even need to? I may have certain parts of me stuck but is it a problem? I have grown up where I need to grow up in terms of my life and being a parent. So is it a problem if I am stuck for other things?

Trained all day while dealing with another client. That second client turned into a nightmare. There must have been 100 emails going back and forth yesterday about a data issue WHILE I was trying to train someone else. I know they had an arbitrary deadline, but it was impossible for me to help everyone. The last email just came through a couple hours ago from them. They have finally called it a night. I hate when an emergency is not really an emergency and just a fire drill in order to make some lame ass executive happy. It annoys the fuck out of me.

Got back to the hotel around 5 and ate some dinner. Tried to sleep and that failed. I ended up being awake until 11:30 and back up at 2:30. Whee. Three hours of sleep to try and function. In part because my email kept binging like a motherfucker and I couldn't do anything about it. I am cranky right now.

Fuck it. I need to shower.

Y3 D323

42 days to go? No, 43. Leap year. I am still alive and kicking after almost three years of this. I have never stuck with anything as long as I have stuck with this. It must truly be therapeutic for me in many ways for me to have stayed the course for almost three years. There's a joke online about tumblr - read my tumblr when I am gone, it will explain everything. I think in my case you would need to read this, my tumblr, instagram, and a couple other things but even then you would only get a partial picture of who I am. Some things I will take to the fucking grave.

So Ohio. I feel like I am back in North Dakota on one of the summer vacations X2 and I took to visit her family. It's so weird out here. I don't think I could ever live in a place like this. I don't know. It's the driving 30-40 miles to get to the next 'major' city thing that strikes me as odd. I am so used to things being crammed together tight that when you have to drive for 15 miles before you see another house it's bizarre to me. It took me 45 minutes to get to my client yesterday and it was only 30 miles away. They all think I am nuts staying oh so far away too. Most of the students in my class live under 3 miles away from the college. On one hand it is kind of relaxing though. No real traffic to speak of driving, just miles of nothing. Then boom you're in a small town and then it's gone. One high school, one bait and tackle gas station, then nothing again for another 10-15 miles.

Class went well I believed. I had a little bit of a scare in the morning when I realized I didn't have all the powerpoint files I needed. I managed to scrape them off our intranet just in the nick of time. Have about 12 students in the class and this for once is the only time where the whole class has been able to keep up with me. Nobody was way behind. I had at least two if not three people ahead of me. It's always a fine line balancing how fast I can go in a class when it gets over 4 or 5 people. You have to go at a pace that works for the majority while not losing others or having some get bored. In the end I think we did okay. Went from 8:30-4:45, and headed back to the hotel. I was going to go into Columbus, but by the time I got back to the hotel I was too tired of driving. Instead I ate at a 'Bob Evans' (which is Denny's meets Ihop meets Carrows), came back to the room and watched three episodes of Alcatraz. It's not a bad show. I started watching it when one of my co-workers suggested it on our DC trip. I have about 7 more episodes to go in the current season. Like I say, not bad. A little repetitive but otherwise entertaining.

That was my day. Alone, bored, and on the road. Some people aren't built for this kind of life. Me, not a problem. Frankly if it wasn't for the kid at home, I could easily spend more time on the road. Never have to get too close to anyone because you're always traveling. Never have to have permanent roots anywhere. I have the wanderlust and I don't deny it. Of course, I would probably end up going insane from lack of human contact after a while but screw it. I am already nuts as it is.

Y3 D322

Here in Ohio. Whoo?

Since yesterday was a travel day, not a whole lot to talk about really. Left the house around 4:40, got on the plane at 5:40, arrived in Chicago about 12:30, killed 3 hours, arrived in Columbus at 5:20 local time, got my rental car (upgraded from a Focus to a Chrysler 300), found the hotel pretty easy (upgraded to a King Whirlpool suite), and then found a store for some supplies. Right near my hotel it's disgusting as there is:

• Taco Bell
• KFC
• Long John Silver
• Wendys
• McDonalds
• Burger King
• Bob Evans
• Cracker Barrel
• Waffle House
• White Castle
• Arbys
• Tim Hortons

That is all in a one block radius. Guess which one I had? Oh yeah, White Castle for the win. Haven't had it since Jersey in December so I think having it every four - five months is okay for the system. Got my food, got my supplies, watched some TV on the old laptop, went to bed.

Back home, the kid was taking care of some stuff for the show for me. My director needed to drop off some kits for our next show. Haven't talked to TXGF. Been officially two weeks as of yesterday. I hope she is doing okay. I haven't looked her up on Facebook or anything either. I have been respecting her privacy. That's the hard thing to do. It's like all the answers are RIGHT THERE but you have to force yourself not to look. Two weeks down.

Tried to arrange a date but that's not going anywhere. I am giving up. This is why I don't like women my age. Bunch of stuck up pains in the ass sometimes. Too good to text someone back? Blah.

Okay off to drive for 30 miles to teach at a college. Maybe I can find something there? Bwahahahaha

Y3 D321

Before I get into yesterday:


This is an open letter to everyone, male or female, friend, family, or lover, who has gone from my life. I just want you to know that it doesn’t matter if it’s been weeks, months, or years - I still think about you. Probably more than I should. My first thought is ‘are they happy?’. Because I do care if you are happy. I know I can sometimes be a thoughtless cruel ass on the surface, but underneath I really do care. I care if the choices you have made have brought you happiness. Then I think about ‘why did they leave? did I do something wrong? what could I have done differently?’. Maybe your life is better without me in it. Maybe. I know mine for the most part isn’t. If it was, I probably wouldn’t spend so much time thinking about you. I think about our time together. The good times, laughing, sharing secrets; the bad times, the tears, the anger. I think and think until my head hurts. And this is why I will never be right. And this is why everyone goes away. 


Now back to yesterday. That's where my head was at most of the day. I worked on shit for a client, drove the kid to the train, kept working, played Deus Ex, picked up the kid, went to bed. Tada. Here we are at two weeks since the breakup, I am functional and alive, still thinking too much about her, still missing her, but moving on mostly.


I am not happy about today. Traveling. Off to Ohio in 25 minutes.

Y3 D320

The one nice thing about being on the road is it's easier to keep track of my hours. When I am working from home AND on multiple projects, the day kind of becomes a blur. Like this morning, I have been up for an hour mostly checking email for two different projects. How do I track that? Does that become .5 for each? Or does that roll into the void and not really get counted? I always have this like guilt feeling when I am not sitting somewhere onsite for x number of hours per day. This week will be easy as I am on a plane tomorrow morning for Ohio. Very straightforward billing.

Yesterday was interesting. I did go back to bed after posting at 4 something. My friend in the hospital pinged me around 7:40 with an update. He had a cyst in his leg which was causing the pain. No blood clot, no major issues. They drove him back to his van and he was good to go. That was good but now I was up. I screwed around on line for a while and the kid finally got up around 11. We watched a movie before she had to head out to her grandmother's for easter stuff.

I ended up falling back asleep on the couch for a few hours. Yes, hours. Next thing I know it's 3 and she is texting me letting me know she will be home around 5:30. I ended up playing Deus Ex while I waited for her to get home.

At 6 we headed over to my director's house for their kid's birthday party/Easter Zombie movie fest. It was fun. We were there from 6:30 until about 10. Home by 10:30. We ate pizza, watched Shawn of the Dead and had a mellow evening with friends. They did surprise me with one thing. In September we are putting on a performance of a different movie other than Rocky. We will be doing Shock Treatment. (Which by the way was the movie I made the kid watch in the morning and for this reason). They asked if I would be interested in performing one of the main roles. That's a pretty big honor. I said I would do it. Now I have 4 months to learn the part, go to rehearsal, etc. First thing is to watch the movie a few dozen times to get the role down. Then to learn all the songs and lines. Oy. But I am good with doing it because it's a one time thing not a regular role. I can handle that.

All in all a good Sunday. I am a little tired this morning and need to go to bed early for my trip though.

Y3 D319

It's 4:18 am and I should probably go to bed, but I figure I would post first. Screw it, this is for 'yesterday' anyway, right?

The reason I am home so late is not a happy one. I had to spend time in the hospital with my friend/cast mate tonight. I will come back to everything...

Okay, so the kid leaves early for work, like around 8:30. I was in a cranky mood when she left because I spilt rockstar in my slippers and it made me ugh. Luckily I was able to apologize for snapping at her before she left. After she left, I spent a few hours cleaning the house. Scrubbed floors, scrubbed counters, even did the little ring things in the stove. Finally around 1 I was finished. Right when I sat down to watch some TV and relax, X1 shows up with the two kids. She was there to pick up the kid and take her of to some family easter bullshit thing. But the kid didn't get off until 1:30. So I had to entertain and watch her roll her eyes and scrutinize everything around my house. From the animals to the Disney pins she had a comment be it verbal or non-verbal. The kids were fine. They are 10 and 14 so no issues there. Luckily the kid got off work early and was home at 1:20. They all left and I went to run some errands.

I needed to find a squeeze ketchup bottle for the show and NO ONE had any in stock. All the goddamn easter stuff was taking up shelf space. Seriously come Tuesday they will be all over but not today. I went to five stores and struck out. Got back home around 3:30 and tried to nap. Yeah that failed. I ended up playing Dues Ex until the kid got home around 7. We hung out for a while then got ready for the show.

All in all, it was a good show. I was a little pissed off at a couple of people but whatever. Right now I am not going to dwell on anything. Right before the show ended I got called outside. There were paramedics in front. One of the guys on security is a paraplegic and he was stretching out his leg when suddenly he heard three pops and was in major pain. He can feel his legs, he just can't move them.

I ended up being the adult of the group and following the ambulance to the hospital with his wheelchair and stuff. I spent about 90 minutes with him at the hospital while we got him checked in, examined, etc. The doctors believe he ripped a muscle and have ruled out achilles and broken bones. He was going to get an ultrasound but they told me he was going to be there AT LEAST 3-4 more hours and I should go get some sleep. Hence, I am home. He promised he would text when he knew more.

Fun stuff baby.

Y3 D318

I had a dream last night that TXGF called me and said 'hey I thought we were going to try and be friends?'. Um sure. 'Well, let's hang out then'. Okay.

That was it. That was all I remember from the dream. It would be nice if that was actually the way the world worked. But we all know the truth. You say you're going to be friends but unless you have the same circle of friends or live in the same city, it doesn't happen. It just goes to further prove that we are better off apart.

Spent the day working and around 5:30 called it quits. The kid took off around 2 to go to her grandmother's house because her mother and siblings are in town for Easter. She then went straight to work from 6-10:30. A couple of my friends came over and hung out a bit. We were all meeting up later for a night out with other friends. We all left my place around 7 and they went off to get ready and I headed to the place we were all meeting. Now, a little backstory - the place we were meeting was a restaurant/sports bar that got picked because we were going to have some folks under 21 with us. It was basically a cast function because it was my director's kids 19th birthday. Our normal place has been closed since January so they picked this new place. I knew what this place was like and thought it a bad idea from the get-go. It's not our kind of place. It's where soccer families go after games during the day and where soccer moms go at night to have one too many margaritas and bitch about their husbands and kids.

We were supposed to meet at 8. I got there at 7:30 to scope things out. Packed. All tables. No 'bar' area like we are used to. I texted my directors and asked if they had made a reservation. Nope. Sigh. Fine. I then sweet talked my way into the biggest table they had free. I sat there for 20 minutes getting dirty looks from families of 4 and 5 coming in and who were having to wait. Finally by 8:30 we had 12 of us so it wasn't so bad, but we ended up spread over three tables on two sides of the place. I had suggested a different place, but no one listens to me on these things.

All in all, I had fun. I had a few drinks, socialized, and bailed around 10. The kid and I got home roughly the same time. She told me about her day, I told her about mine and we went off to bed. Nothing exciting. But nothing bad either. It was what it was. I had fun. Didn't spend a lot of money, was out being social, and was home safe and sober at a decent hour.

That's all I can ask.

Y3 D317

Let's be clear about something:

• You turn 18 you think - this is it! it's all going to be different now! Nope.
  
• You turn 21 you think - NOW, now it HAS to be different because I can drink. Yeah, sorry no. You can legally numb yourself, but it's no different.
  
• You turn 30 you think - Well I am about to get married/already married/kids on the way/have a kid so everything must be different. Wrong again kemosabe.
  
• You turn 40 you think - Here I am divorced, alone, something's got to fucking change now right? Heh. Nope. Same shit, different decade.

Let me tell ya, I have real low expectations for when I turn 50 other than finally giving up and just being done with it all. Seriously. It just seems like nothing is really ever different. I have so many friends who are younger than me who think that as soon as they hit some magic milestone it will all be magically changed and there's going to be a parting of the heavens as some mystic wisdom gets imparted unto them. It ain't happened here yet kids so... Maybe a grande latte enema? Maybe that will let you see magic?

Cynical today obviously. Cheery happy soul. That's me. Wheee! Look at all the prettiness in the world! Too bad it's buried under 10 lbs of dog shit.

Worked ALL day yesterday on three different things. I was beat up. I mean like hammer to the face beat up come 7pm. That's when I finally stopped. I made the kid food in there somewhere but I just kept at it until I couldn't do any more.

She was all mopey last night and while I tried to console her, I also felt like telling her to shut the fuck up. Yeah life sucks but you're 19 and have plenty more years. Instead of moping on the couch go fucking do something. You've been here a year and the main set of friends you have are technically MINE. So piss off, join a group, go out, talk to people at school. I don't care what just don't sit here and mope and think I can or will fix it. I have my own issues.

Such as I made it a week without talking/texting/emailing TXGF. Small fucking victories. At one point when you agree you can be friends is okay to contact the person? Should it be the random running into each other at something or what? I am planning to text her on her birthday in 3 months. Is that acceptable? Hell, I text everyone on their birthday. I am just a nice guy like that.

Always a nice guy.

Double wheeee. It puts the gun in its mouth or it gets the hose?

Ugh. More work to today. I am tired, broke, stressed, and have to go on the road again in three days. 

Y3 D316

Only 49 days left in this year and we go on to year 4. Despite all the recent turmoil, overall this has been a pretty good year. I will say that 8 out of 12 months were shared with someone special. That's a pretty damn good percentage in the end. 66% to be exact. If you can experience happiness 2/3 of the time, would you take it? I did and would again.

There's a lot going on in my head today. I was up and down quite a bit yesterday just due to work, issues with the kid, loneliness, etc. Wednesdays are my solo day and it struck me yesterday. Let me see if I can do this in chronological order to not miss anything.

Side note - I was accused again of censoring myself in this blog. Well, yeah. If I told you everything in every minute detail, you'd be disgusted, shocked, offended, surprised, and run away screaming. I need somethings to myself. I can't bear all for the world to see. Sorry, that's reality. There are some dark corners of my brain that deserve to stay dark people. Always remember, despite what you think, I can be a very not nice person sometimes. I'm not downright evil per se, but I have my moments of doing things on the fringe of acceptable and would rather keep the few friends I have left.

Okay back to yesterday. Took the kid to the train around 8 after already working for an hour. Got back, showered, kept working until around 2 something. At I think about 2:30 I had a conference call with my directors. For once it was the kind of call I would expect to have with them. We have a guest performer this weekend and the call was to go over some changes in blocking, some props we wanted to do different, and a couple things I need to remember to bring on Saturday. Perfect. This is the times when I remember why I like these people and enjoy being around them. They were light hearted, in a good mood, and happy. The call went smoothly and all was good. There was one incident from the last show I had to deal with, but it to was appropriate. The male part of the directors noticed some flirting going on between a few of the tech folks and it caused them to miss cues. I spoke to the four people in question and took a proper stance - any conversations, be they flirting or just idle chit chat should be curtailed during the performance. Plain and simple. Everybody got where I was coming from and there were no hurt feelings or problems.

Around 4 I decided I was done and headed out to have a little happy hour. The restaurant where my friend works has a pretty decent happy hour. This was also a test for me. Could I go out for a couple of drinks, hang out, not spend stupidly, and come back home in time to pick up the kid sober. Answer? Yes! I did it. I got there about 4:30 and left at 6:45, 15 minutes after happy hour was over. I spent $15 had three drinks and a grilled cheese sandwich. I was a little more buzzed than I wanted to be, but not so bad that I couldn't function. I was home by 7 and one of my friends stopped by to show me her new hair do. We talked until 9 when it was time for me to get the kid.

The kid had a rough morning. She is having problems with her sewing class and is really discouraged about things. She wants to speak to a counselor to see if she should change directions but no one was around. She felt better by the time I got her, but the day was pretty rough for her. I think if I said I was moving she wouldn't think twice about changing schools. We talked a little about things before I went off to bed.

Not a bad day. Nothing major, but also not bad. I had my moments where I missed TXGF, but I handled it and kept going. That's all I can do.

Y3 D315

Can't type this morning. My fingers are too sleepy. Where did this sudden bout of tiredness come from? Is it depression sleep or is my body finally fighting back and having its way with me? You know I just realized I haven't coughed up blood or had any kind of issues like that in a while. That's a good thing, right?

Spent the day in the house working yesterday. Took a mid-morning break with the kid to get a burger at a dive I haven't been to in years which has some pretty damn good burgers. Although the whole time I was there I kept thinking why didn't I bring TXGF there? Meh. No big deal just one of those brain teasers since it is almost walking distance from my place you'd think I would have gone there once in 8.3 months but frankly that's the first time I have been there in probably close to 5 years.

Came back, did some more work. Had the kid clean the house to make up for some money she owed me. She cleaned the bathroom and the kitchen. Helps me out for sure. I guess I was doing okay for it being one week. I started to slip come the night time. Found myself bored off my ass and no one around and nothing to do. I started texting people randomly and ended up in a couple of conversations which mostly kept me occupied. Not enough though. I ended up putting in fight club at 8:30. You know it's going to be a long night when I do that.

The kid was in her room on OKCupid. Yes, she has a profile now. And she is getting 100+ visitors a day. Me? Zero. I am getting 3 visitors a week if I am lucky. Her and I had a laugh about it, but she also pointed out - 'you're better at talking to people in the real world'. Maybe. Some days it doesn't feel like it. Some days it just feels like I am stuck.

Went to bed around 10 and ended up texting with a friend until almost 11. I am fortunate to have friends this time around which is a big difference. I wish I could get myself out of the house and into situations where I might actually move forward, but I will take what I can get.

I am always so much more focused in the morning than during the day and late evening. If I wrote this blog at night, it would be very different I think. Good thing I write in the morning.

Y3 D314

I don't know how I feel today. Today marks one week since we broke up. I haven't talked to her other than a brief text and a drunk call last Thursday. I love how people bullshit themselves with 'we can still be friends' when in reality you both you know you're never going to talk to each other again. You know what also drives me nuts? That I should have been doing this 20 years ago. I should have been having these kind of relationships in my twenties not in my forties. This is why there is something completely fucking wrong with me. Instead of getting this all out of my system then, I am making up for lost time. Like everything else I do, I am doing it backwards.

It also appears to be time to explain myself once more. I have had to say this before and I guess it bears repeating:

1. I am not 'too picky'. The next person that says will receive a foot up their ass. Knowing what I want does not make me picky. If you're fat, asian, black, 4 feet tall, spend your weekends running marathons and snowboarding, are a vegetarian, etc why should I date you? Why should I waste your time or my time? I know what I like. That doesn't make me picky. That makes me someone who is looking for what they want in an attempt to make a lasting relationship. If it hadn't of been for her age, TXGF was perfect. We had so much in common yet enough differences. We were happy when we were together. She just needed to be 10 years older. Then things would have been right and we would be together right fucking now. So yeah, it's not picky, it's trying to find someone who fits me and my lifestyle. Which brings us to point number 2...

2. I cannot help the fact that I am attracted too and in return receive attention from women younger than me. It is not like I am some perv out on the prowl. It's because of certain reasons. I have gone over those ad infinitum in this blog and don't feel like doing it again. Just understand that while there are probably women may age like me out there, it is very difficult to find them and they are rare. It's easier for me to relate with and find someone younger than me.

Spent the morning working and making my client at the DOL happy. I have some more work for them today. This time next week I will be on my way to Ohio which will actually be nice because it will be a distraction. After working most of the day I took the kid to the train station and came back home to be alone for 6 hours. Six hours of sitting in the dark listening to Pink Floyd. Yeah, that's healthy. I watched an episode of Breakout Kings. Picked the kid up and went to bed.

I did make a decision yesterday. Originally in July we were going to go spend a week in SoCal after our birthdays and around our anniversary. I decided yesterday to go around my birthday instead. I am going to leave on the night of the 7th right after a show and come home on the 15th. I have enough points that this should work. I may have to pick up one day on my own, but I can handle that if need be. Now I sent out a message to about 10 of my friends yesterday seeing they wanted to join me at any point during this time period. I don't want the kid going with me all week. One she has summer school, two she has work, and three I want to go to bars and hang out with friends which will bore her at some point. It will, end of story.

What it looks like will happen is I will drive down that night with the kid and a friend, they will stay with me in the park on the 8th, spend the night Sunday, go back to the park Monday then take my car home. I will make due for a couple of days until Thursday when one of my other friends will be down. He will then hang out with me and we will drive home Saturday/Sunday. No car, no hotel bill, splitting gas, perfect. I can call a couple of friends to drive me some place or just take the train if need be. I will get home on her birthday but whatever. This way if she decides to hit Disneyland for her birthday, I will be gone already.

So far everyone is on board with this plan (work, friends). I just need to make the reservations. That will be later this week. Waiting for one more confirmation.

Time to work.

Y3 D313

My god I slept like the dead yesterday. Most of the day and night were spent sleeping. It was as if my body and mind just gave up and I needed a full day to catch up. I got up around 8:15 after only four hours of sleep yesterday. Did some stuff on here and then passed out on the couch from 9 until around 11:15. The kid and I then went to get some food and went to a couple of thrift and antique stores again. I found a 1964 copy of the "it's a small world" album for .99. Major score. I am going to frame it. We came back home and she wanted to play some video games and I ended up falling asleep on the couch AGAIN for almost two hours. Amazing. When I woke back up, we watched some TV before she had to go to work at six. That was when things turned for me. I was alone in the dark and my brain started going nuts. These were the notes I wrote down:

that fun part of the day. the part of the day when all you here is your own brain. no other sounds around. no one else around. hello brain. what kind of bullshit do want to throw at me tonight? oh you want me to think about her some more? sure why the hell not. gee this is fun. whee. how about another topic. how useless i am. how horrible i am. destroyer of angels vortex of destruction and ruin. yep that’s me. whee. this is so much fun. why stop now, what else you got? just keep going. just keep throwing shit at me. scrape my edges for something new you fuck. oh, that’s all you got. fine. i am out of tears. i am out of patience. i am out of everything. i am an empty shell. i am a hollow place. i can hide behind my wall and my mask until until it slips and i do something stupid. oh there you go, let’s dredge up all the stupid shit. yep and we can tie it all together. why would she want to be with someone like me anyway. of course it makes sense we are done. everyone goes away in the end, remember?

Shows you where my head went. I ended up trying to do some work for a client to distract myself but nothing was working right and I got even more frustrated. I finally gave up around 9 and went to bed. I didn't think I could sleep any more but apparently I could. I just woke up from probably around 9:30. All in all yesterday I slept for almost 17 hours if you count from 4:15 Sunday until I got up this morning. Jesus. I don't think I have ever slept like that before. I had no alarms set this morning which was a small issue since I have a conference call in four minutes. But I am up and at the end of the day that's all that matters. 

I did get a phone call yesterday from an old friend. It's funny because lately I have been feeling guilty that there are people in my life I have lost touch with for no other reason than life getting in the way. She was one of those people I have felt bad about not being more proactive in contacting. It was nice that she called me and while I didn't answer (was sleeping), it felt good knowing we have the kind of friendship that can handle the gaps. 

I do miss TXGF. I won't lie about that. I wish she would call or text or just stop by to say hi. We went out for 8.3 months. So yes, I will get over her and I will be over her sooner that my mind thinks. I just need to keep swimming. I will make it through this and in the end it will all be okay. I still won't like myself, I will still be in a shitty place in my life, but I will still be. 

Y3 D312

Its amazing the shit your brain will run through as you try to sleep at 4am. What did she do tonight since wasn't at the show? How is she doing? Has she met someone? Is she getting laid? Girls have it easier in that department don't they? Does she miss me? Did I do something wrong? I hate myself. I hate everything. I want to go away forever. I miss that morning she said wake up I'm horny. Is she horny? Does she MISS me? Why did I ever go out with her in the first place? Will I ever be happy for more than a short period of time? Why do I even bother? Why can't I be useful? Why am I such a fuck up? Why am I never good enough?

The show was hard last night. Really hard. Knowing she wasn't there or even at home waiting for me. Watching all the people laugh and have fun. On the outside I tried to make it look like I hadn't a care in the world. On the inside my brain was screaming. My mind was crying.

I guess my downfall makes for more interesting reading doesn't it? No one wants to read about the happy guy who has found the great girl and they don't argue or have any drama. No, that's not captivating reading. It's more fun to watch the car crash. Watch the melt down. Get your tickets for a front row seat to the end. Come one, come all. Come watch the fool. Watch him sing and dance as he mourns his lost life and ends it all before your very eyes. That's the stuff! That's the E fucking ticket ain't it baby?

Cleaned the house during the day. Made rice krispie squares. Drove two hours to get the kid's cell phone back. Took her to the mall. Found a new Mickey statue. Acted liked a normal person. Took a nap. Went to the show too early because I dropped the kid off at work on the way. Sat and wallowed until other people showed up and put on the happy face.

Stayed sober. One point me. Felt fat all night. Minus 10 points.

Picked up the kid. She got off late. Sat in a cold parking lot from 2:30 until 3:20 am waiting for her. Got home at 3:30. See first paragraph for what happened next.