Y4 D58

I felt like a heel most of yesterday. Somehow the gods looked kindly upon me though. Maybe because there is some sincerity to my words? Don't know don't care. All I know is I made it through the day and despite how I was feeling about myself, things went okay.

First thing I took care of yesterday was getting the truck for a rehearsal at 3. I took the bike down to where the truck is parked, left the bike, and drove the truck back home. I hadn't heard from anyone I slighted on Friday yet even though I sent out a couple of apology emails. This was of course making me feel even worse because my first thought is that they were ignoring them because they hated me for putting them through the wringer the night before.

When I got back the kid was up. She told me her side of what happened Friday night. Basically she was at work until 11 and was worried because she had my keys. She was afraid I was going to be sitting on the front steps pissed off at her for not leaving me a key. When she realized I wasn't home yet SHE was relieved and didn't think twice about it. As she put it "if I didn't see you by the time I got up then I was going to be worried. I figured you passed out on someone's couch or were getting laid". You know me well child, you know me well. The whole reason everyone freaked out is because the one friend I had been texting with before my phone died was concerned and drove to the house. While it put everyone on high alert, I am glad she did. I would have walked home eventually but it saved me from doing so. Regardless the kid wasn't upset because she knew I had planned on going out.

We got ready and went over to Target to get stuff for the house, had some Chipotle, then hit the mall to replace the pair of jeans I ripped Friday night. I always seem to rip the knees on my jeans when shit like this happens.

While we were out I got an email from a friend. He won't acknowledge that he sent it because he was taking a verbal purge of how he was feeling and just needed to get it out. I replied back asking if this was an email or a mirror. His head is also in a dark place right now. There's a reason we have been friends for 15 years - damaged needs damaged. Sad but true. We all need that one person in our lives who won't try to help, fix, or change us. No, they just listen, bitch slap us when needed, give us perspective when needed, and in the end are just there. As long we know they are there, it manages to give us some hope and without hope, we might as well be dead.

Also got an unexpected text while I was out. I thought I made a complete and utter ass of myself on Friday in front of the woman I was trying to impress. Turns out I didn't fuck up as bad as I thought. She texted me thanking me for good fun and company and that we could definitely see each other again. Wow. Unexpected too. We texted for a couple of minutes and she will text me this week when she has some free time. Even if she doesn't, it felt good to get that text and know that I am not as huge a mistake as I thought.

Finally heard back from one of the people I hurt Friday night with my antics. He told me he was cool with everything. Okay, one more to go and I can stop having remorse and regret over my actions?

Got back home and we headed over to rehearsal. As we were going to rehearsal I heard from the one I hurt the most Friday night. From what I can tell we are good. We are going to talk more today and clear the air. There are still a few things she needs to know about what happened the other night.

Rehearsal went pretty well. It took us an hour and a half to get there because of the weather. It was really nice out and everyone wanted to be at the beach. One lane road, 14' truck, massive traffic. Ugh. But we got there, we did rehearsal (I didn't drink. I had a rockstar in a cup and it looked like I was drinking, but I was sober), had pizza with everyone, then headed home around 7. One fun thing was I bought a small inexpensive cotton candy maker yesterday. I brought that to rehearsal with us and make cotton candy for everyone. Trying to atone I guess. I took the truck back and the kid went to work. I also made a smart decision. They all wanted me to come back after I dropped the truck off but I knew I needed to sleep and clean and be responsible.

Got home around 9 and scrubbed the kitchen. I mean SCRUBBED. More atonement. Must bleach the sins. My kitchen looks great this morning. Today I will be doing the rest of the house. I am going to rearrange my room today on purpose. I need to change my view and that's one way I can do that. Then I am going to bleach the bathroom. I am also going to take care of some work stuff today. Need to catch up on paperwork. After cleaning the kitchen, I sat down and played some Lego Batman 2. I wasn't in the mood for the seriousness of Diablo. I needed dumb ass sit on the floor console gaming. Played until about 12:30 and went to bed.

The kid got in late as she has a note on her door 'Got in after 5, please leave me alone'. Check. I will wait to vacuum until she has been awake.

Let's see if I can be good this week...