Y4 D59

I did some reading yesterday about different mental illnesses. I am going back to the doctor. I am finally convinced I am bipolar. Aka manic depressive. My cycles are too wide and too varied to be anything less. It's the 'manic' part I never lent any credence to but now I realize normal people don't act the way I do. They don't go to such extremes with everything. It's okay to be happy, it's okay to let your hair down once in a while, but when you push it too hard, too fast, and make too many stupid decisions time and time again only to crash into a pool of darkness, well that can't be right, now can it?

Stayed in the house all day yesterday. Did more cleaning, rearranged my bedroom (more on that), made food, watched X-Files, played Batman 2, played Diablo, went to bed. Kid worked worked night shift again from 7pm to 3am. I don't know what time she got home.

I rearranged my room yesterday because I needed the change and I realized that my room has been the same since I first started dating TXGF. That means for a year things have been the same. I didn't need that reminder but there it was. Therefore I decided to move things around a bit. Also it forced me to do some serious cleaning behind the dressers, under the bed, etc.

I think that is one of my problems too. I see everyone moving forward with their lives and changing. Mostly because my friends right now are all young. They are just starting off on these grand adventures of marriage, houses, children - in the last month THREE of my friends have announced pregnancies. And something in me aches for that excitement of the new. But when I step back and look, I realize I have done all that already. I should be looking for NEW experiences that fit my place in life. But I am not where I am supposed to be, am I? I should have money in the bank, the house halfway paid off, the cars paid off, etc. THAT'S what someone my age should be thinking about. But instead I am wanting that other part of life back.

Oh well. I am not depressed about it right now. I am looking at things in a logical way trying to figure out what I do next and where to go from here...