Y2 D127

Had an interesting day yesterday. Received four very distinct phone calls:

1. Mercedes Benz called to discuss that my lease is almost up. I politely corrected them and said no, my ex-wife's lease is almost up, please don't call me about it. The woman was very apologetic and felt bad. So I guess X2 still has the Benz I bought her?

2. Starwood called to ask where the maintenance fees are on my place in Hawaii. This one impressed me because I only updated my information on their site less than 24 hours prior. They left a message as I was on the phone with call number three when they called. Do these people think I don't know I owe them money? Do they think I just "forgot"? I mean seriously. I expect them to call back today. Trust me, if I had $2800 you would get it AFTER the 900 other people I already owe money.

3. Costco called. They had part time work open but the hours didn't line up. The Costco here doesn't have a graveyard shift and the only shift they had available would conflict too much with my current job. Oh well, at least I am trying.

4. The woman who owns the horses from that equestrian party I went to way back when randomly called wanting to know if I wanted to get together for a drink. I turned her down as I need to be good. I am proud of myself for sticking to my guns and not going out last night.

The Kid won a major art thing at her local county fair. She took first place in her division for one of her paintings as well as winning the local art commission's special award for best young artist. At least one of us has a future.

Watched a couple of movies yesterday. The best one was "How to be a Serial Killer". Very much enjoyed that one. Got me thinking too much about how easy it would be sometimes to kill someone randomly, but of course it doesn't end well for the poor guy.

Today I am sitting again. I have worn the same clothes for the last four days. Haven't bothered to shave. No need if I am just sitting here contemplating how shitty my life is...

Y2 D126

Another night where I couldn't sleep. It was just too damn hot. I kept going back and forth between the bed and the couch trying to get comfortable. Finally took a sleeping pill around midnight to see if that would help. It didn't kick in until almost 1. Now I feel dried out, overly tired, and cranky. Not a good combination.

Sat on the bench again yesterday work-wise. This is not good. I am stressing about the first already because I know I am going to have about $4 left once everything goes out. Between rent and all my stupid ass bills, I am going to be screwed once more for two weeks.

I give up. I am 42 years old. No hope of ever getting ahead. No hope of retiring. No hope of finding someone. No hope.

Y2 D125

Could NOT sleep last night. Way too fucking hot. It was hot all day, but it just wouldn't tone down at night either. I tried going to bed around 10:30 and just laid there until 12:30. Finally went in the other room and tried laying down on the couch as it was cooler out there. Fell asleep somewhere around 1. Thank goodness I don't have to be anywhere today.

That unfortunately is the negative too. I don't have to be anywhere today. Nor yesterday and as of right now, nor tomorrow. I am bench this week. I am in between projects and sitting. I did absolutely nothing yesterday. The problem with being bench is I do have to be ready in case someone calls or emails me and says get out here or let's do this. And that's what happened around 3. My boss called me to discuss one client and we ended up spending three hours doing some modeling work together on the client's system remotely. So while I am bench, it's not like I can run around during normal business hours. I pretty much am tied doing from like 8-5.

The other shitty part is this is the last week of the month. I need as many billable hours as possible to make my quarter. As of right now, I am under water. If I don't get another 10 or 20 hours in this week, I am fucked. Well no more fucked than normal -- I was hoping to get ahead in October, but with no billable hours, it ain't happening. Which means my next chance of getting head is January. Only problem is I have car registrations, insurance, and a couple of things due in October. I have to see how it goes on the 15th, but I may need to ask my bosses for a cash advance. Haven't heard back on any of the second jobs I applied for either. I think when they see someone like me applying (someone who has a white collar job) and there is no relation between what I do and the position I am looking for, I go to the bottom of the stack. But I am still looking. Not going to give up. I need to supplement my income some way.

Miss P called me yesterday out of the blue. Haven't spoken with her since I moved. It was nice talking to her. She caught me up on all her life drama and I realized how much I missed being down there. Oh well. I was hoping to take a drive in October to see all them. Hopefully that can still happen.

Y2 D124

An open letter to a friend:
_____________________________


I know it's none of my business. I know I should keep my nose out of it, but I can't. I wish I could tell you things were going to get better. But I can't do that either. I can't stand by and see you hurting. You are a wonderful incredible person. You make the world a brighter place. Your smile lights up a room. The sound of your voice is musical. It's ok to think about giving it all up. As long you also think about all that you have and all that you will leave behind. Especially what you leave behind. I hope you read this and know people are thinking about you, worried about you, and don't want you gone.
____________________________


I did nothing yesterday and it was heaven. Got up around 11 (remember I didn't go to bed until 4:30), no hangover, no regrets, no worrying who I had to apologize to, no strangers to drive home, just me and the furry ones. Took a shower and went for a walk to get some froyo. Nice beautiful day, wandered around downtown, enjoyed my froyo, came back home and took a nap. That's right, a nap. It was wonderful. Fed the cat, went for another walk around 6 or 7, had leftover pork for dinner, watched stupid TV, started working on a puzzle and went to bed. All in all one of the most satisfying days I have had in a while. Didn't stress, didn't rush, got to be outside as well as catch up on sleep. Oh man if they were all like this the doctor could take his pills and shove them up his ass...

Y2 D123

Long day yesterday. Didn't go to bed until 4:3o hence why this post is so late. BUT I stuck to my guns -- I stayed sober and I came home with only the same people I went with to the show! Small victories sometimes are the most satisfying.

Spent the day not doing much of anything. Watched a couple of good movies including what I think was the best documentary on the Doors that I have ever seen. Morrison was always an idol for me when I was growing up as I saw him as the tortured poet genius. This documentary was ONLY real footage of him - no interviews, no recreations, and it showed things even I had never seen before. It was also non-biased. It treated the good and the bad with the same respect. A very straight-forward factual documentary. Was extremely impressed.

The other that I watched? Well... It was Dr Horrible's sing along blog. Holy crap that was funny. I have always wanted to see it, and I am glad I watched it. Cracked me up completely.

Made sweet and spicy asian pork for dinner. That was pretty good. I finally went through all the pork shoulder I had in the freezer. I have to eat through all the food in my fridge this week as much of it is right on the cusp of expiring.

I ended up driving two cast members to the show last night. That was nice because I didn't have to drive alone. Kept me company while I was driving. Show went well from my perspective. Our directors sat in the audience last night to "review" the show and afterwards we had a long meeting about everything that went wrong. I did feel pretty good when the comment was made that "tech crew did the best job out there tonight minus a couple of small issues". Given the ranting every other group was getting, I felt pretty good about that. I did do some shameless flirting with some random women, but kept my cool, kept my dignity and didn't do anything stupid. Felt pretty good about that too.

Drove the guys home and by the time I finally got home it was 4am. Fell asleep around 4:30. It was one of those judgment calls if I went to bed or not. Since I have NOTHING to do today, I figured it wouldn't be a big deal if I slept. Oh look, I was right. Seriously, I have nothing going on today which is not a bad thing. I am going to relax all day. Enjoy this last of the summer weather.

Y2 D122

I like mornings like this when I wake up at my own pace. No alarms, no strangers in my bed or the other room. No feeling of dread or doom when I wake up. Just a leisurely morning. I earned mornings like this and I will strive to enjoy it. No hangover, no pain, no worrying about who I offended or insulted. Ah the comforts of the mundane and unexciting. Go me.

The saga of my brother continues. First they are going to put a pump in his chest, then they decide his liver isn't strong enough to handle the surgery. Now instead they are sending him home to wait for both a new liver and a new heart. He has to carry around a small fanny pack IV drip with him to keep things flowing. They don't know how long it will take to get new body parts, but he is on the list.

Went to my doctor yesterday. That turned into a bit of an adventure. We were talking and towards the end of my session he asked "you mentioned last week money is tight, is that still true?". I said yes, but I am holding on this week trying to stay focused and positive on just this week. I am not dying like I was last week, but it's still tight and I have to be careful. I thought this was going to lead into a discussion that was positive. No, he brings it up because he has bad news about my insurance. Seems I have unlimited visits after a $3000 deductible. Nice. So here he knows I am in dire straits and now I owe him for two visits - $270. I did tell him that I wish he had called earlier in the week to allow me to cancel the appointment as I don't have $270 to give him. He said something about wanting to do it in person. I said fine, but you could have told me at the start so I could have left and only owed you for a partial. Regardless, the bottom line was that he gets $100 now and the rest when I can. He seemed ok with that. Don't know what else to do about it. He's the one who knew the score and could have said something sooner. Ass monkey.

He did say something else which I have been pondering. He commented that after listening to me and reviewing the forms I filled out, he believes me to be bi-polar. While I don't 100% disagree with this, I also question his ability to make such a solid judgment after only 2 hours of talking to me. Maybe because I had my guard down as it's a confidential place, but still seems pretty bold after a short discussion. PLUS he wanted to discuss medication options. I don't like that. I don't want to be on daily meds. I am wondering if the sudden rash of bi-polar diagnosis is similar to the increase in labeling everyone with autism. Is this more a ploy of the drug companies to get me hooked on some daily pill? But it doesn't matter because I don't have $3000 to cover my deductible anyway. I guess it goes untreated. I have managed to live this long without sticking a pill down my throat every day. I can keep going. I am loathe to treat things with a pill. I would rather remove the cause and not the symptom.

Made cookies last night for my show tonight. I am looking forward to the show but I am nervous because of how my mouth runneth over at the last show. I am going sober tonight, plan to stay sober, and plan to leave alone. I will do my tasks to the best of my ability and come home. It was roughly 4 weeks ago at this same location that I met H1 and look how wonderful that turned out. So tonight, I will be a little aloof because I want to work hard at not screwing up. Until it's time to leave tonight, I don't have much to do. Play some video games, run an errand, clean the house. The way life should be.

Y2 D121

I was doing pretty good until last night. I mean I wasn't stressing too much, psycho chick is out of my life, I am doing pretty good at my current client (which unfortunately ends today for a few weeks)... Overall nothing really horrific going on.

And then. My sister calls me last night. It was my niece's 18th birthday and I figured this is why she was calling. Oh no, that would have been too easy. No, she just got back from the doctor. She has had some physical problems for a while now and the doctors have been stumped as to what is truly wrong with her. They did back surgery on her recently thinking it was nerve related, but that still didn't fix the problem. Yesterday they came up with a new one. My sister has multiple sclerosis or MS. I don't know how much this impacts a person's life as I still need to look it up, but it does cause degeneration and shortens the lifespan, that much I do know. But wait it gets better! While they were looking at her they also discovered a mass in her uterus. As the nurse put it, a small soccer ball size probably benign mass. She will lose about 15 lbs when it is removed. They will be removing the mass and her whole uterus. She is going to have to have the same thing X2 did, a full hysterectomy. Nice, huh?

But then there's more! Finally got some news on my brother last night. They will be installing the pump in his chest next Tuesday morning. Six hour surgery. He will need to carry a battery pack around with him for the rest of his life (or until the technology changes of course). At night he has to plug in to allow the batteries to charge. He gets two batteries, each with a 10 hour charge. If he is stuck somewhere without a plug for more than 20 hours? Buh-bye.

Seriously I am beginning to think I am living proof there is no God. In both cases of my sister and brother, they have faith, they lead good lives, they have close spouses and children around them, and yet look at them. Then there's me - I smoke, I drink, I do recreational drugs, I fuck women half my age, I eat sporadically, I don't sleep normal, I get tattoos and piercings, and yet I passed my last physical with flying colors. I haven't been really sick in years. I can run a mile right now without getting fatigued. Figure that one out baby. Granted I am mentally unstable, but if I fix that, then the outside is ready for a good inside. Catholic guilt, welcome home old friend...

Y2 D120

Been up for a while. Couldn't sleep any more. Was so tired last night that I went to bed at nine so it shouldn't surprise me that I was up at 3. I mean hell that's six hours of sleep. For me that's really good. Of course this is going to throw me off for the rest of the day. Cest la vie.

VERY uneventful day yesterday. Worked, got a ton of stuff accomplished. Felt very productive. That is always a nice feeling. No drama, no troubles, no nothing. The only downside with this client is that they are being very cautious with the hours. This means I can work between 7 and 8 per day and no more. I find myself at 2:30 or 3 having to leave because the day is over. That's why I was home so early and ended up going to bed at 9.

Haven't heard back on any results for my brother. I am going to the hospital tonight and hopefully I will have some news on that tomorrow.

Almost a full week without any contact from H1. I see her online still, but nothing. Better off that way. One of my Rocky friends and I were chatting yesterday and he kind of new we had been seeing each other. When I asked who told him, he said "no one, I just saw the way she was looking at you.". Ok, a little creepy, but at the same time, kind of cool. :)

Off to shower and kill three hours before work.

Y2 D119

Made a fire last night. Winter is upon us? And so begins our winter of discontent?

Watched Moon last night with Sam Rockwell. Damn good movie. I remember when it came out and wanted to see it but it slipped off my radar. I also watched one called Teeth. It's about a teenage girl with teeth downstairs. Not as good, but interesting. I am glad for this Netflix account. I am trying to figure out if $9 a month is worth it, but if I can watch at least 9 movies a month then this comes out to $1 a movie better than $3 - $5 I was paying with Apple TV. If I watch 18 movies a month then it goes down to $0.50 a movie.  Right now I have watched about 20 so I am getting my money's worth.

The biggest thing from yesterday was A64 wanting to kill herself. She was severely depressed about everything going on in the world, financial issues - in other words all the same shit I complain and ramble on about here. I think her mood passed, but I am still worried about her.

I decided yesterday to cancel some of my online dating accounts. Match.com was set to expire at the end of the month and I didn't want it to automatically renew on me. I would have been in for a shock if I had $200 go out without realizing it. I decided to be pro-active. My eHarmony account is good until April 2011, so I will just let that one run out on its own.  I did send them a good list of reasons why I wasn't bothering to renew. I doubt anyone will listen but I told them:

• The matching algorithm is horrible. I specifically state I want Caucasian women and yet out of every ten matches sent at least 4 were Asian.
• My profile says I am looking for a certain body type, why send me ones that are in no way 'athletic', 'fit', or 'average'. Unless we have a big gap in what is considered average these days, at least one third of the matches I consider overweight.
• I checked do not send profiles without pictures, yet I regularly got profiles missing pictures
• The average distance for matches was unacceptable
• Overall I felt this was a complete waste of time, money, and energy and would not recommend your services to anyone

Let's see if anyone there actually reads my notes and tries to reply. I highly doubt it, but at least I feel better speaking my peace. 

I did have a weird dream about X2. We were in a home improvement store together and the clerk was ignoring us. That is until we moved over into another section. I confronted him when he asked if he could help us with 'you ignore us over there, but now we are her and you want to help us? Fuck you.' I quickly regained my composure and apologized to the guy. He then ignored me and starting talking to X2 in a flirtatious manner. It made me realize that I always felt insignificant when we were out together. Not worthy of her beauty. That she was always interested in other people over me. After the clerk left, she said to me 'maybe if you're always apologizing, it's not other people, it's you'. That stuck with me when I woke up. Was I telling my self something subconsciously? I am trying harder to watch my mouth and not alienate people. I truly am working on my empathy, but it's hard when you have built walls for so many years to let them down and really relate to people. I honestly do worry I am a psychopath in that respect. That I am never truly close to people because I am always wondering what I can get from them or what they are going to do to me.

Speaking of which, I received an interesting text from X1 yesterday midday. She was at the court paying off a speeding ticket and complaining that the state laws were unfair and unjust. You're complaining to me?? On top of it, she has the nerve to add 'there goes my Xmas funds'. Sorry? I am pretty much planning on skipping Christmas this year. Not the right person to complain to about this.

My brother had a liver biopsy yesterday. Hoping to hear the results today to know what the next steps are for him.

Y2 D118

I am going to ramble a little bit today and I ask that you please bear with me while I get this off my chest.  I am well aware that some of my current financial issues are not isolated to myself. Many of my friends are in similar situations. I have a friend who is about to lose his house; another who works two jobs just to make ends meet and never sleeps. It's bad out there for a lot of us. But not all. That's the frustrating thing these days. In this country we have managed to finally destroy the middle class completely. The financial and living conditions gap between the haves and have nots has grown to an unmanageable level. You are either flush or broke. There is no in-between any more. Yet we have politicians who pretend to understand. How can you understand when you make over $200,000 a year as a base salary and then millions in external income (speaking engagements, endorsements, gifts)? Do you know what it's like to have to decide between gas and food? Oh wait, you are driven everywhere by someone and have a compensated meal plan. Out of your 'salary' you might have 20% going out in expenses where the average American these days finds themselves with  80%+ of their monthly income going right back out. How did we get here? Buy now pay later. In order to stimulate a broken economy, these same people convinced all of us that it's ok to be in debt. That it's ok to stretch yourself. Easy enough when you have job security for 8+ years. Easy enough when you know your position can't be eliminated on a whim. How do we fix it? I don't know. Caps on salaries? Elimination of additional taxes? Cap interest rates on loans and credit cards? Eliminate "quick money" check cashing services and payday loans? Maybe. Or maybe Tyler had it right - erase the debt. Clean slate for everyone. Imagine how your life would be if you woke up tomorrow and your credit cards were at zero. If your mortgage was paid off. If your car was paid in full. The money you brought in each month could stay with you and not go off to a corporation as an interest payment. Imagine. Now take it one step further - laws and limits on WHO can have credit going forward. Make a credit score mean something again. Want a credit card? Fine but you get a $100 limit and you have to have a 700+ credit score. You see this already in the housing market. In some ways we have eliminated the debt through foreclosures and short-sales. Those same people are now finding if they want back into homes, they need 20% down and a score that is solid. I know, I am one of those people. So let's take it one step further - wipe out my American Express. Wipe out my car payment. Start over. Reset. Reboot this bitch.

In other news - I got into a bit of he said she said with my boss and one of my clients. She was trying to claim I broke something in her production environment which is not true. I am reckless, not stupid. I know better than to change something in production without 900 fail-safes and backups in place. She has some other guy on her staff who has access to things, and I am pretty sure he is the one who made the changes she claims I made. All the other work I did for her was in development. It's one of those cases where the client is just smart enough to be dangerous, but not smart enough to understand what is going on with her own system. I am now waiting to her the outcome to know if I am going to be dinged billable hours for something I didn't do. Not good since this is the end of the month and my 'bonus' is depending on how many billable hours I can show.

I also managed to lower my internet by $10 a month. Not a lot, but it is a savings. Frankly I called in seeing if I could drop down to a lower package which would have been $20 a month savings, and she offered to keep me on my current one with a $10 a month savings for six months. Ok. I will split the difference with you. Good job to customer service rep Kaye and Comcast.

I went home and cooked after that. Made 3lbs of a molasses glazed pork shoulder. Came out pretty damn good. Took three hours and I ate late, but it was worth. I also did some experimenting. I made strawberry spaghetti and meatballs. Essentially the noodles were pureed strawberries with algin in a calcin bath. For the meatballs, I made a strawberry foam and then froze it into cylinders. Was a fun little experiment. I would serve it as a dessert to the right person.

Watched new TV and went to bed. Ah, non-excitement. Yay me.

Y2 D117

Ladies and gentlemen, the psycho bitch is officially G-G-G-OOOOONE! Oh thank god for some sanity back in my life. And I do mean gone this time. It was not a blow-out, it was not dramatic (unbelievably) but it is now over.

Yesterday morning she texted me to ask if I could help her move some boxes (we are talking about H1 here in case any of you have lost track). I politely replied that I could help but not until later in the afternoon as I had things to do. I knew this would be unacceptable to her which is why I didn't make a big deal out it. She said to text her when I was free. I then went off and ran some errands including going to my nephew's birthday party. I tried to go to the hospital multiple times, but the first time I got there my brother was asleep, then when I came back he had six people already in the room visiting, and it was just too much. I told him not to worry that I would come back tonight.

I got home around 3 or 3:30 and sent her a text saying, I am now free if you still need help. She said, no I have two other people coming around 6 or 7 and I will be moving in with them. She told me where she is moving and it's about 30 - 40 miles away but over bridges and with traffic meaning we would not be in a position to see each other. She then said, but I would like to see you before I go. I said, no I think it's better this way. Let's leave it the way it is right now. Let's not end this on drama or a fight. Her reply was ok, then I guess we will see each other around. Yeah, I guess so...

And there it is. One month of crazy all done. Because of her, I have devised a new checklist that all potential new women must answer:

1. Are you at least 28 years of age?
2. Are you on any prescription medication (anti-depressants, anti-pyschosis, bi-polar, mood stabilizers, etc)?
3. Do you have any unresolved legal issues?
4. Do you have any ex-husbands, ex-boyfriends, or ex-lovers with whom you are currently in communication with where there are no children involved?
5. Do regularly carry any type of blade or edged weapon?
6. Do you have a job?
7. Do you have a place to live?
8. Is your mood consistent for at least 24 hours at a time?

You'd think some of these would be givens, but so far in my experience... HA. That would be way to fucking easy...

Y2 D116

Technically I owe you two posts today, one for Friday and yesterday. But before I go into that, let me tell you about two weird things that happened back to back last night around midnight.

I went to bed around 10:30 because I was still feeling trashed from Friday night. Fell asleep and had the weirdest freaking dream. In it, my step-father, with whom I have had no contact in at least 20 years, had kidnapped X2's sister and was exploiting her. I decided to go rescue her and some other girls he had kidnapped. There were more details most of which were bizarre like the little dog that got in the house, or the insane cult leaders, but what a strange dream. I awoke from it to hear pounding on what I thought was my door. I realized it was the neighbor's door being struck with mighty force. That's when I heard "M this is the police, open up or we are going to break it down". That got my attention. I then heard rustling in the bushes outside my window. I am on the second floor, and the cop was tapping on the guy's window from the outside saying basically the same thing and they were just there to check on him. I guess someone was worried about this guy doing something stupid and sent the cops over. Very surreal kind of moment. I didn't hear any doors being broken down so I assume he let them in finally.

Back to Friday - went to work for a half day and then went off to meet my new doctor. I like him. Good age, good demeanor, and seems to be a sharp guy. We are meeting next week as well. He wanted to know specifically why I wanted his help and I told him I needed help with building my coping skills to be able to deal with all the shit in my life. He said that made perfect sense and he believes he can help me. Good. Let's find out.

Then I headed to the hospital to be with my brother. I met his adopted parents for the first time. Little weird, but not as odd as I thought it would be. They are now worried about his liver functions and are watching him over the weekend before deciding what to do about his heart. I am going to stop by today to see how he is doing.

After the hospital I went off to the meetup group. When I got to the bar, I saw drinks were 1/3 off for happy hour. I had about 1/2 hour left so I had a couple of drinks. Not enough to get drunk, but enough to relax without breaking the bank. I then switched over to diet coke as planned. We had a good turnout. There were 8 of us and everyone was really nice. Someone suggested we go somewhere else for a little dessert and I recommended the place where my friends work. Six of us headed over there and that's when the trouble started. My buddy was bartending and he started pouring me absinthe. I didn't pay for anything which was the upside, the downside was I had at least a 1/2 bottle of the damn stuff. Two other friends were there and after about an hour they suggested we all go off to another place. I got outside and realized there was no way in hell I could go anywhere else. I headed home. I do not remember the drive home. What I do remember is coming to briefly at 9am, naked, sitting up, on the couch. I looked around, crawled to the bedroom and passed out again until 1pm. When I got up I checked my phone and it appears I had a conversation with someone around 1. Just a buddy, nothing more. I think he was trying to figure out where I had vanished to without telling anyone. I did see I sent a text to H1 which was completely incoherent. She replied with "I don't understand" and then about two hours later, "Are you alright??". I never responded. I didn't hear from her yesterday either.

I did go to the chocolate tasting yesterday. Was not my type of people. There were 10 of including the person who was running the tasting. They were all these eco-hippie freaks. I just did not like the people there. The way the woman was presenting the chocolate and how oh this one is fair trade and helps build schools in the country blah blah blah. For $20, I expected less talk and more chocolate. We tasted 8 bars total and I liked one. You got to take home the bar you liked, but totally not worth it. Sorry. Was not impressed.

Came home, did laundry, watched PR, cleaned out my dressers and re-arranged some clothes like I had planned and went to bed. All in all a bit of a wasted day, but it's what I get for making poor impulse decisions as my friend put it. There's something there I need to think about. Do I have poor impulse control or do I simply lose control once I start? It's easy for me to say no to things when I don't want to do them, but when I start in, I have a hard time stopping. Does that make sense? I mean, I can go a week or more without drinking, but once I start drinking, I have a hard time stopping. Slight difference, but a difference none the less. I need to explore this with my doctor.

Today is my nephew's birthday. I am supposed to head over there at 1. I will make a guest appearance possibly. I am also going to the hospital as I mentioned. Other than that, not a big day planned.

Y2 D115

I have never missed a post and don't plan on starting now, but I am in bad shape right now. I just came to. I am not sure what happened. I don't know when or how I got home. I need to figure things out. Will write more tomorrow.

Y2 D114

So I get into the client yesterday and I am starting to work when I hear whistling. The guy in the cube next to me is whistling some song. It takes me a minute, but then I realize it's One That I Want from Grease. Weird. Plus this guy when I first met him I thought he was 100% gay, but supposedly he has kids and a wife. I guess he just likes showtunes?

I got really stressed out around 10 when I realized that while I got paid today, out of $2100 check, $2050 is already set to go out in bills between now and the end of the month. Totally starting freaking out. I decided I needed a little buffer so I called X1. I told her that for the first time in 15 years, I am shorting my child support check by $100. I needed to do it. She started to freak out but then I casually mentioned that I had done some research and because of my current financial situation if we had a court ordered support (which we don't) I would actually be paying her anywhere for $150 - $200 less a month. She grumbled but finally relented.

I also decided to be pro-active about a couple of things - I called DirectTV and changed my package down which will save me $58 next month. Today I am calling Verizon and knocking my phone bill down at least $50 if not more, and then this weekend I am going through the bills to see what else I can reduce. If I can get an extra $200 a month I will be ok. I already managed $60.

I did one more thing along these lines; I started applying online for a second job. I need something that will let me work early hours like 2am - 7am or at night from say 8pm - 4am. I applied at a couple of grocery stores, the bowling alley, and UPS. UPS is the best bet. They have a 3am - 8am shift which pays $15 - $20 an hour. I could get in 15 - 20 hours a week and net a couple of hundred extra a week without having to do weekend work. This would give me the buffer I need without killing me. I am hoping I hear back in the next week or so.

I wrote an email that I will be sending my bosses tomorrow morning. It's very short and to the point. Basically telling them that I am looking for a second job and while it's not their problem, it will impact my ability to travel and work nights. In a perfect world they will give me a $25,000 raise which would alleviate all this. But I don't expect it which is why I am looking for a second job.

The one thing from yesterday which most of you won't understand is H1 is back. Look, the only thing I have left in this world is my word. I don't make promises or commitments lightly you know that. Originally I had promised her I would help her pack her stuff. I didn't go back on that promise. That's it though - no sex, no touching, no nothing. I helped her pack her stuff. I won't see her this weekend. I have plans already and she is not part of them. It was a different vibe than last weekend that's for sure. We were definitely cold to each other, but civil. She knew she needed the help, and I made a promise. That's that.

Today I am off to a local client, then meeting up a meetup group for drinks. Though, I am going to have a diet coke and make it last. I want the social connection and I can handle a couple of bucks on diet cokes.

I may swing by the hospital first. I wanted to see him last night, but he was too tired. He is worn out from all of the poking and prodding.

No shows this weekend. House cleaning. Whoo frickin' hoo.

Y2 D113

Before there was Tyler, there was Travis. Travis Bickle. The first of the modern day anti-heroes. The first to lose his mind to insomnia and act out in a way that scared people.

Yes, I watched Taxi Driver last night. I was amazed at how well the movie has held up all these years. The scene with DeNiro and Foster in the diner has got to be one of cinema's finest moments. She was so young, hell they were all so young - him, her, Scorsese, Keitel, Boyle - children almost. Well ok she was, but you know what I mean.

And the shape DeNiro is in. Holy crap.

After that I watched The Machinist. Dear god I forgot how much weight Bale lost for that role. I mean, I wouldn't mind being another 5 or 10 lbs skinnier than I am, but he looks like hell. When he flexes in one seen and his ribs pop through, damn. I realized that like 40% of the movies I have watched recently all deal with insomnia and the negative effects of it. Maybe that's why I went to bed at 9:30 last night.

Side note - Steve Martin is now on Twitter. SteveMartinToGo I think is his alias. Some good stuff including how his agent is worried about him tweeting whom he then proceeds to call a wop. Amusing stuff.

I was hungry last night too. I have been rationing my food out to last until tomorrow, but last night I caved in and ate like a motherfucker. I had waffles, fried eggs, a slice of ham, and hashbrowns. I was totally craving breakfast for dinner.

H1 called around 10 but I ignored it. I didn't feel like getting into whatever drama she had going on at 10pm. About an hour later I got a text from her. She was in a minor car accident, tire blew. I received it this morning. Sad part? I don't believe her. First off, whose car? You don't own one. Why were you in someone's car at 10pm with all the shit that's going on in your life? Second, why text me? If you are in pain or need help GO TO A FUCKING DOCTOR. She is worried about paying because she is out of work, but frankly even I with my financial issues would go to a doctor if I was in a damn car accident and was having problems with my hips and walking. Geez.

Off on a 75 mile client drive today. Then depending, hospital. I *may* go over to H1's to help her pack. I did promise and you all know how I feel about breaking promises. But of course, given her "accident" she may not want me to come over. Wait until she finds out I have plans Friday night and Saturday afternoon...

Y2 D112

Very long day yesterday. Went to my client that was nearby and spent about 9 hours there. From there I headed to the hospital and spent about 2 hours with my brother. Got home and my boss decided he wanted to work on another client's issue. At 9:00. We did that until 11:00. I finally fell asleep around midnight just to get back up at 4:30. Just a very long and tiring day. Have another one today. Same pattern unfortunately. The upside is I was supposed to drive 75 miles, but that client needed to reschedule. That's the good news. This allows me to go to the local client and put more hours in there. Bad news, it will be another long day but I can handle that.

Amazing how I have less to talk about when there are no psycho drama queens in my life isn't it? She wanted me to come pick her up last night because she was having another episode. I told her I was too tired. Yes, I took her text. What else am I supposed to do? I try to be the jerk, but I always cave in some respect or another.

Funny how someone who is supposed to get hit by a bus is good enough to call when she has no one else though isn't it? Funny how they always seem to know that I will answer. Oh well. At least I am holding firm and making the right decisions for me.

Tonight LO has another broadcast. I can't wait to see it later. She is so damn good. That girl has a real future in television. And some day I will be able to turn on the TV, see her on CNN and know I had a piece of that. Yep, me the old man.

Oh, I met my brother's friend last night. He is somehow related to his adopted family but I didn't quite catch how. He is 52 and worse than me. He was playing around with a pair of 24 year olds the other night. Seems I am not the only guy who thinks with the little head instead of the big one.

Got a bunch of emails from the directors. Looks like we will be doing six shows in October. It's going to be a busy month. One on the 25th of September and then basically every Saturday and two Fridays in October. That should keep me out of trouble hopefully.

Y2 D111

It would appear I offended some people with my post the other day. Let's clear the air on that right now - I am not denying that the events that occurred on 9/11 are a tragedy. Anytime someone loses their lives without just cause it is a horrific thing. To all the families and people who lost their lives that day, it is a sad trying moment that should never be forgotten. For those families, I hope they find the solace they need to be at peace with the loss of their loved ones.

The difference for me, is I see it as similar to a major earthquake or the victims of Katrina. There too were situations where people lost their lives through no fair or just reason. For those people I hope they too find their peace. I also see tragedies every day on the news. I see earthquakes and wars and homelessness and disease, yet we don't make the same deal out of it.

I am not going to claim to be an expert on any of this, but let's say that 3000 people lost their lives that day. How many die every day in other countries? How many die on the streets of our own cities because of gang violence, random assaults, or just plain viciousness?

What I don't appreciate is how these tragedies have been used for political gain. We are fighting a war in a country where we don't belong through the justification of people losing their lives. Anyone who still believes Iraq had a hand in 9/11 is drinking Kool-Aid. We used the loss of life to create more loss of life. More have died since that day in an unjust war. I too have friends who have fought in the middle east and lost their lives. THAT tragedy has touched me personally. For those people I mourn. For any service person who has chosen to defend this country with their life, I respect, applaud, and will never speak ill of them.  I will give up my seat, my place in a line, or whatever for a service person. ANY DAY OF THE WEEK.

It doesn't mean however that I have sympathy for a country that cannot look at it's own problems fairly. An example is an email my grandmother sent me yesterday. She is a right wing nut job in my opinion. She swallows the Kool-Aid that Obama is a Muslim and Sarah Palin is the savior of this country. The email she sent was basically some crap about the CEO of Progressive. How we should all cancel our insurance policies because this one person supports Obama and the ACLU and Moveon.org. Um, huh? Why should we punish all the employees of a company because one person working at it has different political beliefs than we do?

Isn't the foundation of this country based on the fact that we ensure life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness for all with respect to freedom of speech and tolerance? (Well technically if you were white, over voting age, and a land owner, but I digress). Point is, I accept my grandmother's craziness, but don't have to agree with her. I simply hit delete and move on with my day. She searches the internet for more crap like this. Obsesses over it really. 

This was my point about 9/11. Yes, embrace it as a tragedy. Feel remorse for the families who have lost their loved ones. If any of you my friends lost someone that day, then I offer you my condolences. But don't blow it out of proportion. Don't forget the people who are dying every day in the country and abroad. Don't let their memories be in vain either.

In other news…

Started a new client yesterday. Sat for two hours while someone tried to find a laptop for me. I told the client since I lived very close by that I would head home as to not burn hours needlessly. He said he would call me when the laptop was ready. I went home and watched a movie about Ed Gein. When there was still no call, I watched an old 80s movie called Dreamscape. Very similar to Inception but with a 1980s bent about nuclear war.

Got a call back from one of the doctor's offices. Have an appointment Friday afternoon. Also heard back from my old doctor. It was good hearing his voice.

Tried watching Pandorum. That was horrible. Got about 30 minutes in and decided bleh. I then watched this weird one called Ink. Another dream world movie. I recommend it. It's a bizarre movie, but worth watching if you can stick with it.

H1 sent me a text around mid-morning. Wanting to know if I wanted a hoodie I let her have back. I didn't bother to reply. Two hours later she texted me back saying she would be willing to talk to me. Um, willing to talk to me? I pondered that for a while deciding if I should call or not. Finally caved in around 8pm. I texted her and she called back around 9. I told her while I was sorry for leaving the way I did, but it was the best decision for both of us. She told me she wished I would get hit by a bus and live. I said ok, if that's how you feel I can't change that.

She hung up on me.

I slept like a fucking baby again.

Y2 D110

Oh dearest friends, I owe you an apology. A big one. I had an epiphany  yesterday afternoon. I saw things from your perspective. I saw how FUCKING ANNOYING someone who just keeps bitching about the same thing without doing a goddamn thing about it can be to one's patience. Take this as my apology to you all. I hereby decree not to be that way going forward. If I do, you are to call me out on it. Tell me to stop being an H1. I will understand.

What brought this on? She came back in the morning. Assumed I would I be home too which right off the back annoyed the hell out of me. She called as she was coming up the street letting me know. I was half tempted to tell her I wasn't there but my car was on the street and she wouldn't believe that I walked somewhere.

It all went downhill from there. It ended with a big drawn out fight because I couldn't take her any more. Sometime in the middle of the day I gave her a Xanax to shut her the fuck up and she finally passed out around 4. She slept from 4-6 and then I took her home around 7. She started crying on the way home. I knew what she wanted. She wanted me to tell her she could stay with me. I couldn't do it. She's a fucking predator posing as a house pet.

We got to her place and she went out on the patio and started freaking out crying and going off on everything that is wrong. I walked. I had to. I couldn't take it anymore. I have enough fucking drama in my life. She ran down the stairs after me and I drove right by her. Hurt like hell, but I knew I had to do it. When I got home I got texts from her telling me I am a fucking ghost and that all she wanted was a hug. She then went on to tell me how she deleted from Facebook, my emails are now spam, and she is deleting me from her cell.  And that all I accomplished was heartbreak and disenchantment.

So I guess that's it? Three weekends of something. Not sure what. Some decent sex.  Some major drama. Lies, theft, annoyance. I need to now put it behind me. I don't think I will see her again. For once it didn't end because I was a nice guy.

There's the rub. You all say I have empathy or guilt. No, I don't. I actually DON'T give a fuck. Babies don't sleep as well as I did last night.

Y2 D109

I had a conversation with my buddy early yesterday morning. It seemed like EVERYONE was up early yesterday morning. It was really weird.  I mean I was up, because I was up. Oh and H1 was up because she stayed up all night. Yes, she spent the night on Friday . Problem? Deal with it. This time however I was paying 100% attention to everything. Playing the asshole. Playing the aloof jerk. Ignoring her, walking the speed I wanted to walk, doing what I wanted, etc. Oh and I moved things of value without caring if she noticed or not. Frankly, I hope she DID notice. Show her that while she can share my bed, she can't fuck with me this time. Just fuck me. 

Anyway, I was discussing with my buddy the whole psychopath thing and how neither one of us didn't give a rat's ass that it was 9/11. I mean seriously, unless you had someone die in that tragedy, yes, I will acknowledge it's a tragedy but nothing more, why do I care? If we lived anywhere else, the explosion of building wouldn't be called anything other than TUESDAY. Back to the point. We also talked about how sometimes it's hard to control let's say, urges.

I realized I could kill her and it would probably be a few days, if not longer before anyone would notice she is missing. As long as I updated her Facebook status with some bullshit stuff and replied to the random texts on her phone, no one would know she was dead. Scary, huh? But what's the point? Where's the catharsis if no one knows or cares? It would be no different than running over a squirrel…

SQUIRREL

For the most part we spent the day hanging around the house. Didn't spend any money, watched movies on Netflix. We watched this one with Anne Hathaway called Passengers. I was being nice, but I had it figured out about 15 minutes into it. Yes, Netflix is a bit of a luxury, but for $9 a month to stream as many movies as I want, it's worth it. I am happy just sitting in the house watching movies. Much cheaper than going out and screwing around.

Did have an interesting moment in the afternoon. We were going at it around 5 or so, and after about an hour, she needed me to stop. I broke her. I have never actually broke a woman before. Totally pulled something in her back. Damn, I knew I was good, but not THAT good. Oh yeah.

She then got a call around 7 from someone on another Rocky cast asking if she could fill in doing security tonight. She agreed and wanted me to drive her. I flat out refused. The distance was too far number one and I don't have the gas for it, and number two, I didn't really want to go period. See? I am not the lapdog. I can say no. She called one of the other cast members and they picked her up.

Spent the rest of the night alone watching movies. Ran out to the grocery store for a couple of things. Nothing major, milk, eggs, and cheese. Just some stuff to supplement the food in the house. Then watched Malice in Wonderland and six short films by David Lynch. Now that was some fucked up stuff. Went to bed, she texted at 1:47 saying the show was over but she didn't know how she was getting back. Too bad. See you when you do. Oh, that's right, your computer, clothes, and stuff is here. Oh well. Guess it sits. Yeah, I can be a jerk too.

Y2 D108

Theory, Etro, Ted Baker, Robert Graham, Caravalli, Taryn Rose, 7 For All Mankind,  Seven Diamonds, Ralph Lauren Purple Label, Prada, Varvatos, Zegna, Coach, Tumi, Baum & Mercier, Marc Jobs, McQueen, Lacroix, Giorgio La Perla, Kill City, English Laundry, Hugo Boss… the list goes on.

Point? I was doing laundry last night and stepped back and took stock of my wardrobe. I may be on my way to destitute, I might be on my way to being homeless, I may be completely losing my mind, but I will be the best dressed psycho bum ever. I may not have a pot to piss in right now, but I will be dammed if I don't keep up appearances. I can still walk into any boardroom, any restaurant, any hotel, and look like I belong.  I can still fit in. I will fit in.

I also bring this up because LO had her first on air broadcast this week. I watched a downloaded version and was impressed. Not only was she the best one on the show, but she held herself years beyond her age. She carried herself with such an air of "I am better than all these children" that made me proud. Only downside? She wasn't wearing the Mizuki necklace I bought. I told her this. I told her how well she did on-air but that I was disappointed in her for not wearing the necklace and for not having a decent manicure. She apologized and promised to do both for this week's broadcast. She understands. She knows what it means to put on the mask. To show the world what the world wants to see. She will be able to tell you about the plane crash with a twinkle in her eye. Her morning routing is almost as fucked up as mine. I long for her shallowness because it takes me back to when I felt strong and capable.  I miss my life. It was so much easier hiding behind a mask back then. I could smile and walk through the crowd giving off the pretension that I didn't have a care in the world. I had the money, the woman, the cars… Money can't buy happiness, but it sure keeps insanity in check.

If I had a stage name it would be Tyler Bateman. I could do Porn Snuff films. Fuck a woman on camera until she was unconscious and then slice her open to watch her bleed out. On Laura Ashley sheets. With a Ralph Lauren duvet, no, blanket because that's what it really is, while sipping Perrier from a Reidel glass off a Ying Yang IKEA table, and watch the cranberry red flow into the material…

Which leads me to another topic…

The other night I was looking up some things to try and figure myself out. According to the Hare Psychopathy Checklist-Revised (PCL-R), I believe I am a psychopath. Not strong, but mild symptoms at least. Not to be confused with Antisocial Personality Disorder. The PCL-R has two types of categories to determine in a person is a psychopath:

Factor 1: Personality "Aggressive narcissism"

Glibness/superficial charm

Grandiose sense of self-worth

Pathological lying

Cunning/manipulative

Lack of remorse or guilt

Shallow affect

Callous/lack of empathy

Failure to accept responsibility for own actions

Factor 2: Case history "Socially deviant lifestyle".

Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom

Parasitic lifestyle

Poor behavioral control

Promiscuous sexual behavior

Lack of realistic long-term goals

Impulsivity

Irresponsibility

Juvenile delinquency

Early behavior problems

Revocation of conditional release

Out of 18 symptoms, I can identify with 6 Factor 1 and 6 Factor 2. I am glib, put on superficially charming, have an incredible sense of my self-worth, I can be very manipulative, obviously shallow as you can see from the start of this post, empathy is hard as hell for me, I am constantly bored and need stimulation, we all know about my poor behavior control, I am impulsive, and some days irresponsible. Promiscuous? Somewhat. Lack of remorse or guilt? This one is tough for me - Am I guilty about things because I *REALLY* am guilty or because society has taught me to be guilty? Do experience guilt because I don't want other people to see me as a monster? I don't know. I struggle with this. Now I am concerned even more about my mental health. I tried calling a couple of doctors yesterday but none of them are accepting new patients. I called my old doctor to see if he could provide a reference. I haven't heard back from him yet. I will keep trying to find a doctor. One thing that did throw me off was this:

"It has been shown that punishment and behavior modification techniques do not improve the behavior of psychopaths. Psychopathic individuals have been regularly observed to become more cunning and better able to hide their behavior. It has been suggested that traditional therapeutic approaches actually make psychopaths more adept at manipulating others and concealing their behavior. They are generally considered to be not only incurable but also untreatable."

Great, now I am untreatable. Wonderful.

Y2 D107

Had an actual good conversation with AT&T yesterday. See, I still have my old AT&T account with my old phone number alive even though I am now on Verizon with a Droid. I say "now" but in reality it has been since last November.  I left the old phone on because the early term fee was more than paying a $20 a month bill for like 10 months. I have been waiting for the two to equal out.  When I made this decision, I told them that I wanted the CHEAPEST plan possible and I put my SIM card back into an old phone so as not to have to deal with data plans or any of that crap. Well for whatever reason every other month, their system decides I need a data plan and it automatically puts one on there. EVEN THOUGH my phone in their system shows as 'unknown'. I spent a 1/2 hour on the phone with them today and got them to fix it once more. I now have it back to $20. My early term is still $90, so if I let it go for three more months I should be right where I want to be. Right? Let's see - $20 x 3 = ($60.00) versus $90 in September, $80 in October, $70 in November… Yep. If I cancel in December, it will be break even. The woman on the phone understood my logic and helped me out. She reduced the bill from August down where it should be, and adjusted me going forward. Hence, a polite nice person at AT&T who helped me out. Miracle.

In other news? My brother is back in the hospital. Found out through a fucking text message from him. Couldn't even get a phone call from his wife. He doesn't want me up there to visit him either. More isolation created. This one isn't my fault though. He doesn't want the headaches and drama I am assuming. And no, I don't know how I would get up there. If he had said he wanted me there, I would have fucking walked. But he told me no. One more person to tell me no…

Sat at work bored all morning. The data guy didn't finish his work. I had to ensure the client that I wouldn't mark the time as billable as long as they communicated with my bosses that this was not my issue. I think because of my candor and flexibility I was able to establish a good professional stance with the client that will result in more business long term. Inside I was pissed at getting up at 4am and driving 75 miles when I don't have the fucking money to put gas in my car. But I can't blame the client. I did chide my co-worker for not telling me the night before and saving me a drive. The other upside is the client feels bad about me sitting here and tried to find things for me to do. I was able to help one of her co-workers in another office with a problem they are having which made me feel pretty good. I have another session of training scheduled with him today from 10-12 which will give me some billable hours. And the best part is I can do it remotely. I then had a 3 hour conference call from 8 pm until 11pm with a different client thanks to time zone changes.

I also got a talking to by a friend yesterday. She called me out on my "relationship" with H1 and my continuance of destructive behavior. I know. I try. But I do feel broken inside. Some people need other people, some are ok by themselves. I find myself trapped somewhere in between. I need the acceptance of people but don't want anyone around because I don't want them seeing behind the curtain.

Despite popular opinion, I try to not use people any more. I don't want the few people I have as friends thinking I am playing them. If you are in my life these days and I actually talk to you about real shit, then know that I am sincere when I say I appreciate your friendship. I may not always show it in the best of ways, but deep down, I appreciate and need it.

I did get advice from another friend, that I didn't think about before. He explained a financial option that I hadn't considered. I need to figure some things out before I execute on that one, but it was a good piece of advice.

AND just to show that I am not a complete and utter moron, I started looking up state sponsored financial help. They call them Approved Debtor Education Agencies, and there is a list a mile long. It's going to take some time, but I am going to go through them all and see if I can find one to help put me on a better path. Also, and probably more importantly, I looked up mental health providers. I am going to call today to see about setting an appointment with a new psychiatrist. I don't know how many appointments my insurance will allow me, but even one is better than nothing. See? Not a complete ass...

Y2 D106

Endure:

- to undergo (as a hardship) especially without giving in

- to continue in the same state

- to remain firm under suffering or misfortune without yielding

I guess it's all I can do, isn't it? But can I remain in the same state without giving in and letting my mind go completely? A question for another day I guess. Keep pushing me to stay alive. Push me to realize I have to keep going even if I don't want to get out of bed let alone function. My mask of sanity is slipping...

Yesterday I went back and re-read some of my earlier posts from this year because I was so stressed out that I wanted to see if there were any days in the last 100 where I was fucking happy for even a moment. I saw the same themes appearing over and over again. I also saw that I am severely depressed. Not just lightly, but really fucking bad. Lastly there was one post in particular that made me want to get something off my chest.

I recently shared the link to this blog with some new people. I shared it with them in my attempt to hold on to some kind of human contact. I want them to know that I am not just an insane monster. That's when I decided I need to come clean about something. In almost 500 posts, I have never lied in any of them, except one. Oh sure, I have omitted some things here and there - like the nights where I have shoved a couple of grams of blow up my nose, or when I have been so drunk I pissed myself, or some of the things I did at that party back in May... But those are omissions, not lies. There is only one entry where I told a falsehood.

I did it because of you. You know who you are - you were pissed and disgusted with me for the picture I sent you of LO. You felt I was an ass and a poor excuse for a man. I was already feeling disgusted because of the fact that I spent the night with a 23 year old girl. Then you made me feel even smaller. But it's time for the truth. And this is why I didn't call you back last night.

That first night LO and I were together? Yeah, I fucked her. No, we didn't make love, no it wasn't intimate - that first night? Straight up monkey lust fucking. We were both drunk, horny, and lonely for human contact. For four hours. Then again in the morning.

I felt like hell because I had sex with a girl almost 1/2 my age. I tried to play it off like I was some kind of hot shit, but the reality is I felt like a sleaze ball. Which was compounded by you calling me out on it. I needed to lie to make myself feel better. Not anymore. But I will say this, the next times we had sex it was different because we weren't just one night stand material any more. We spent an entire week together. It was wonderful. THAT was intimacy. That was something beyond just fucking. Sure she was still 23, but I was knowing her as a person not a hot piece of ass. In all my posts in the last 100 days, I saw that it was after that one night, that I was free and happy. A fleeting moment for sure, but I was fucking happy if only for a second.

Be disgusted with me. Hate me for lying. Hate me for being a perverted disgusting pig. Revile me for intentionally doing the WRONG thing once again. Shame me for throwing away what could have been; It's your right. But know that I am not the evil bastard you think I am. She was of age. She knew what she was doing after that first night as did I. Don't get me wrong, I am evil. I am by far not a good person. I am a manipulative asshole when I want to be. But not in this case. I gave her what she wanted, and I got what I needed.

Why am I bringing this all up? Because...

H1 is 21. She will be 22 in November...

(I am Jack's complete lack of surprise...)

Y2 D105

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

Life just got worse. Just when I thought things couldn't get any more fucked up they do. I KNEW I fucked myself over on Saturday. I just knew it.

What am I rambling on about? Oh the simple fact that I have -50 in the bank. It would be ok if I got paid this week, but no, I don't get paid for another 10 fucking days. I have to some how figure out how to keep no other bills from going out, eat, put gas in my car, pay bridge tolls, and otherwise live on ZERO dollars for 10 days. I can't do it. I am fucked. I am completely stressing out right now. 4:37am and I am fucking bundle of nerves already. DAMMIT. I don't know what to do. I have no credit cards with any room on them, I have no means of acquiring cash, I am screwed.

Why? Why the hell can't I catch a fucking break? Fuck me. How the hell am I supposed to pay attention to work or anything else when I am going to be so fucking high strung for the next ten days? I seriously do not know what to do. Maybe if I am lucky I will get run over by a bus today. Or just walk in front of one...

Y2 D104

Everybody thinks I am being over-dramatic but the simple truth is that if it wasn't for the kid, I would be dead. By my own hand. Directly or indirectly. Whether by drinking myself to death, overdosing, or just blowing my head off - either way I would be dead.

I feel worthless. I feel useless. I feel like an idiot. Am I so pathetic and desperate for a human connection that I will allow myself to be lied to directly? To be cheated, stolen from, and basically walked on like a doormat? Yes. Which makes me hate myself even more.

I talk big. But when the shit hits the fan, I curl right back up into my fetal position and fall back in to the same old patterns. Why? The million dollar question. I don't ask for much. I really don't. I just want someone who honestly cares for me without feeling the need to use me. I want normalcy. But I don't know what that means. I don't know how to accept. I don't want society's definition of normal. I can't wear khakis and talk about KPIs and paradigm shifts. THAT is bullshit. That is the fake layer on top of things. I may be fucked in the head, but at least I can see through things like that. I see the people who say they are happy with their BMW and 2.5 children and the dinner parties. But behind closed doors they are the same ones who beat their wives, cheat on their spouses, etc etc etc. I may not be all there, but at least I can admit it and don't feel the need to fake it.

But I do fake it in my own way because I need to keep a roof over my head. Because I need to be somewhat stable. I need to be there for the kid. It always comes back to her, doesn't it?

Yes. I was used. Again. Yes, I am hurting right now. I should have known better. Yes, she lied to me. Yes she stole from me. You are all right and I am just a stupid fucking idiot left alone once more. I will die alone. I know this. I am not deserving of human interaction any more. It felt so good for that brief moment though. And that's why I can't do it any more. It hurts more and more each time they walk away. Each time they rip a little bit more of me out. I am so hurt on the inside not because of what she did to me, but because I am so fucking worthless and hopeless that I LET HER. I say I will kill to protect what I believe in. I think I finally figured out what that means. I need to finally just give in and kill off the human parts of me that are left dangling. If I don't feel, then I can't get hurt. If I don't smile, I never have to worry about it turning into a frown. If I don't care...

Y2 D103

I haven't been fucked like that since grade school...

That pretty much sums up the last 24 hours of my life.  I also realized that she is Marla to my Jack - not to my Tyler, to my Jack. I get flustered, I don't understand why we are doing what we are doing, I can't have a normal conversation with her, but damn the sex is good.

I know a few of you think it's disgusting, but dammit, I was horny. Three months almost without anything. Three months without any intimacy or human contact. I needed it. I needed to be close to another human being in a physical way. We went at yesterday like our very lives depended on it. Four times in a single day. Dear god, I needed it.

Now what? I don't know. I am taking her home in a little while no matter how much the lady doth protest. I need my space back, I need to see how bad I fucked myself financially, and I need to see how I feel without the prospect of sex looming in the way.

What else did we do yesterday? Let's see - I took the other folks who crashed here home, except her of course. We hung out, relaxed, had a little food, sex, relaxed, mall for some stupid stuff (her not me), sex, food, did a photo shoot for her (she wanted some pictures for a portfolio), sex,  relaxed, bed. Pretty full day if you ask me. I also had to apologize to a few people on cast for being a loud mouth drunk Saturday night. I would have done those things regardless of H1, but it didn't help that I was associated mentally with her to a couple of people. Have some distancing to do there.

Did I ever mention how old she was? I don't think I have come right out and said it in any of these entries. Still not sure I want to do that. If I have then it doesn't matter. But if I haven't, I think that's one little piece of information I am going to keep to myself for now...

Ok, I need to shower and get her out of here...

Y2 D102

Um, so yeah. So H1 is back. And yeah, this time we did... Long fucking story. Some highlights? There's a guy passed out on my couch, there's two other people in the kid's room, there's H1 walking around... wild wild night. Spent way more than I planned and I may have severely fucked myself, but if you're gonna burn, burn in style?

Spent the day cleaning the house as planned. Did not waver from that. I took care of bleaching this house from top to bottom. Felt really good when I was done. Something I haven't done in a while. Took a long nap to get ready for the show. Around six, I headed down to my pre-show hangout. I sucked down two bottles of a nice 05 Chinon. Dessert. Something else. $37 port. Wandered down the street to the show. Had an incredible show. Made all my marks which given my condition was tough. But I did it. Yes, I flirted shamelessly with A64 when all of sudden out of nowhere, here comes H1. She didn't tell me she was coming to the show. She swears she did, um no I would have remembered that little piece of information. Trust me.

About halfway through the show she got sick. What a shock. This time thought it was drunk sick. Someone put her in their car in the front seat and we figured everything would be fine until after the show. The best part? She asked for me so now everyone on cast knows we are hanging out. Not good. I could tell there were issues/questions about that from the looks on some people's faces.

After the show there were a couple of people who needed rides. I agreed to take them and of course it was assumed I would be taking care of H1. Which I did. No fucking mystery there kids. As we were leaving one of the guys in the car said he could score some nose candy. That perked everyone up. A group decision was made that we were going back to my place instead of taking people home. Unfortunately that fell through about 20 minutes after we hit my place. So we sucked down whiskey, smoked a little dope, and just listened to music. At one point I just got tired. I figured the hell with it. They are all adults, they can figure it out. I went into the bedroom and started to crash. H1 came in and climbed into bed with me. We had a little talk about how I was feeling. I told her that I didn't like being played along and that I felt like I did a lot for her recently but I wasn't asking for anything more than just a thank you and some acknowledgment. That was it. Well, her idea of acknowledgment was a little more forward than mine. No, a LOT more straight forward.

People are starting to move around. I need to sign off this right now.

Y2 D101

I had a surreal day yesterday. Spent the night and wee hours in the emergency room, no not for me. Wait for it...

Was able to work from home yesterday because my new client decided she didn't want to rush or have me drive out to her and just sit. I am good with that. Went in the morning and bought a small amount of groceries. Just some basics; enough that I don't starve to death, but nothing overboard. I now have some rice and frozen veggies in the fridge. It will have to suffice for the month. Came back home and started working. Worked for about 5 hours and then got a call from my boss. He has been happy with me since the whole AZ thing and decided he wants to invest in me to benefit the company. Hence I will be going off to a three day training class in October. Nice. I will be able to add the new skills to my portfolio. Makes me happy. In prep for that, I decided I was going to dual boot my laptop with both Mac OS and Win 7. Yeah those were my exciting plans for the night - look out world.

Point is, I was planning on spending a quiet night in with no issues or drama. Around 2 H1 texts me. Not just a normal text either. She sends me a bunch of sexy photos of herself. She was just seeing what I was doing and if I liked the pictures. Um duh? I have never actually had a woman take pictures like this and send them to me... oh shit, wait back up, I forgot about the morning conversation with A64 (I don't know what real number it is and A64 works as well as any other). This is the one on cast that I like.  She was nervous because she was off to her second job yesterday for her first official day and she new she was going to be late. I spent like a half hour talking with her and calming her down. I get to see her tonight and am curious how that is going to play out.

Back to H1, she wanted me to come over. I said no, I am working. I was actually making red velvet cupcakes for tonight. Well, I was working too, but it was also the fact that I didn't want to go at that point. I told her I would call her later.

Which I did. Around 8 I called to see how she was doing. The cough she had came back and she needed a ride to the hospital. Yeah, ok. Nice guy. I pick her up and get a half ass hug. Oh. I see. I take her to the local Kaiser and then proceed to sit in the waiting room from 10 until 1am. Turns out the doctor was the same one who helped her when she was quitting heroin. Yes, you read that right. I learned SO MUCH last night. Heroin. Opiates in her system. Small hole in her head that causes migraine pressure. Whoo broken doll. I told her I was taking her home and going to bed. She tried to convince me to take her to my place but I held my ground. Dropped her off and came home. She texted me for like an hour.

Side note - I did manage to get Win 7 on my MacBook. Today I will configure it.

Back to topic - what is it with me and broken women? The list:

N - totally broken, suicidal, self-loathing
H1 - ex junkie, psychopath
J1 - lives in a fantasy world
X2 - self centered emotionless
X1 - narcissist extreme
J - insecure mess
X - see above
And that's just the simple ones.

Out of all the women I have dated only like two have not had major issues - LO and T1. LO is too far away and never going to happen again, and T1 just didn't do it for me.

Fuck me. Show tonight. Be up until the morning. Need to make sure I nap today.

Y2 D100

I shaved my head last night. Why? Because I needed to shed skin. I needed to do something destructive and altering. Feels weird. Feels very odd. I found a mole I didn't know I had.

Got paid. Can pay my rent today thank goodness. I also did the math, after all my bills go out, I will have roughly $80 until my next payday. Oh wait, shit I forgot a couple. Check that, I will be $120 in the hole. Nice. Need to figure out how to adjust things again. Fuck. I just thought about it. Fuck fuck fuck. Now I need to come up with a couple hundred dollars or let a couple people be late.

Fuck I can't catch a fucking break ever can I? Here I was able to breathe for 30 seconds and bam, gone again. October is a three check month, I just need to make it through this month. BUT I also have my car registration due in October. The so called "extra" check will get swallowed up by me trying to catch up.

I am constantly playing catch up. Life, money, women. And people wonder why I want to die. Want to curl up in a ball and never come out. So fucking overwhelming. Feel my chest constricting when I think about these things. I want to slam my bald fucking head against a wall until it bleeds. I guess I don't eat for another two weeks. Rough part is I will need gas. I can't avoid that. But otherwise, I won't eat. Fuck it. At least I will have a rough over my head.

Y2 D99

When I was a kid people used to say “if you question your sanity then you can’t be insane. It’s only when you stop questioning that you are in trouble”. Fuck that. I think I am just going fucking nuts…

My neighbors have taken to smoking a lot of pot. I guess they think people can’t smell it? I mean seriously. I wonder if someone moved in new down there. There have been so many different faces in and out of that apartment I don’t know who lives there and who just squats. I do know their pots smells like shit.

I have too much work to do and am too apathetic about to care. It’s all fucking meaningless drivel. Useless shit for useless people. I can’t even muster anger over it, hell I can barely muster apathy. I have other issues.

I think my cat is sick or dying. She is 13 and is getting more lethargic. I don’t know if it’s just the heat – it’s fucking hot right now – or if she has something wrong. I would take her to the vet, but I can’t even afford food. It’s the fucking second of the month and I haven’t even paid my rent yet.

If she dies I don’t think I can handle it. She’s all I have left. 13 years we have been together. Longer than any woman. Longer than anything. She is MY cat. She is my best friend. Please don’t die.

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Y2 D98

My house is quiet once more.

I took her to her appointment yesterday because again, I don't break promises, and I made her a promise. Plain and simple. I was getting a little worried as her appointment was taking longer than I planned and I had to get some things done for work. That was kind of tricky. Luckily she finished at just the right time for me to get going. Dropped her off at home, took care of my work.

Later in the day I sent a text to see how she was doing and what a surprise - no response. Am I shocked? No, not really. I was the enabler of the week I guess. Whatever. Ordered pizza because I was craving it. I know it's bad for me, but I don't give a shit. Especially when the woman I am interested in changed her status to "in a relationship" last night. Damn. Whatever.

Slipping into whatever. Nothing really matters? Watched Fight Club and ate pizza. That was my night. Slept pretty well though for the first time in a couple of days.

Today is a meeting in the morning with one new client, then a demo meeting in the afternoon with another. Tonight is nothing. Sleep. This week is progressing at a weird pace. On one hand it is moving way too slow, on the other, I can't believe it's already Wednesday. Strange things abound.