I feel completely useless and worthless right now. I had a fucked up day yesterday which turned into a fucked up night which turned into a sleepless shitty time. I took a 5:19 train this morning to try and get a jump on the day but it's not working so far. FML. Serious FML.
I get up yesterday around 6:30 and start in working on one client's stuff. I feel so overwhelmed by everything that has to be completed. I thought I was making some good progress until I realized I was coming at it backwards. Well there goes two hours wasted. TGF gets up somewhere in this time and is just hanging out. I have to hand it to her, she completely respected I needed to work and kept herself busy on the other computer. Around 9 or so we take a shower because I am feeling tired and sticky already. Side note -- we have yet to not take a shower together when she is there. Remember the old bumper sticker? Save water, shower with a friend! Totally true in our case. Except I am really not sure how much water we are saving... You know, writing that and thinking of her is the first time I have smiled today. She does that to me. Makes me smile and feel a little bit better about things.
After showering I go back to work getting more and more frustrated with what I am supposed to be doing. I just fucking hate this product. For the record - I do business intelligence. I am an analyst, a modeler, a designer NOT a fucking programmer. There is a difference. With this product though I have to be a goddamn programmer and I SUCK AT IT. Plain and simple. If you read back, you will see this is why I didn't want the fucking job in the first place, but the money....
Around 11ish I decide fuck it, let's go get food. We go to a cheap sushi place I know and have a quick lunch. On the way back we stop at a Russian grocery store I have been wanting to check out. It was cool going in there with someone who can actually tell me what the products are. We ended up buying these Russian treats and some pickles. Oh damn, what a good pickle! The whole time we are out, she holds my hand, wraps her arm around mine, in the car she touches me. All the things I have wanted and needed from a partner. I know she is young and don't give a fuck any more. She is truly making me happy.
Around 2 she takes off because she has a family thing around 7 and needs to get ready. I keep working until about 5:30 and give up. I send out a lame ass status message and wait for the kid to get home. She gets home around 6 and I make us dinner. From then until about 8 I keep getting emails from the client asking how things are going. I don't really have shit to tell him but I try. The kid and I watch X-Files and I work on some music stuff I have been meaning to get done. Part of it is my mind is going 900 miles an hour dreading today. TGF texts and calls during this time to give me updates on how her family thing is going. Kept me sane.
Around 11 I finally try to go to bed. 12:30 I bolt upright from a bad nightmare. I don't remember what it was specifically only that everything was being taken away from me - not stuff, people. Once more I managed to isolate and upset everyone and they were turning their backs on me. Gee, what a shock. Right as I wake out of it, I see a message come through on my phone. 12:33am the client is telling me how he looked at the files and was 'surprised' by what he saw. He essentially was saying he was pissed off and we would deal with it this morning. Fuck me. I called TGF because she was awake and it calmed me down a little bit. I forgot to mention the other day, we have made it to almost 7 weeks. Amazing. Amazing I can tolerate another human being for that long without wanting to kill them and amazing that someone can be around me without wanting to run screaming. Granted there were five or six days when she was on the road, but still, we have seen a good deal of each other in these last six and a half weeks and we're still together. No, I am not saying anything deeper. I am just saying it surprises me. Maybe I will get 3 or 4 months out of this. Heck, maybe even six months. Let's see. It would be interesting to have someone around at the holidays for the first time in years. Side note redux - J changed her status once more to single on facebook. Someday that woman will realize we are meant to be together. Yes, I can talk like that even with TGF in the picture. I am just waiting for the shoe to drop with her. I am waiting for her to realize she is with a guy 20+ years older than her who will be dead before she hits menopause. It will happen.
I tried going back to sleep but tossed and turned until 3:30 when I just said fuck it and got up. This is why I took a 5:20 train as well. Just face the fucking day and deal with it. I have VERITAS tattooed on my goddamn stomach for a reason. Time to face the truth, get through this day, and make it through two more. I have never wanted a weekend to come so bad. Just today, tomorrow, and Friday and I can breath a little. If I make it. I might just jump out the window. See, I work in a building with real windows that open still. I could walk right over and just jump the four stories down into traffic. If the fall doesn't kill me, I can time it so a bus coming down the street finishes the job...
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Y3 D97
I didn't go out last night but yet somehow I was up until 1am. Damn you TGF for keeping me up. AND I didn't even have sex! We stayed up doing that evil thing - talking. Ugh. I don't want to talk, I want to sleep. Damn you! Yeah, I am only faux complaining but at the same time, I am seriously tired right now.
Yesterday was wild. I was so stressed out because of work. I had to come clean with my boss and the client that there is no way I will finish enough in time by the end of this week. It sucked and I was really uncomfortable doing it, but I did it. I manned up and admitted I was farther behind than I wanted to be by this point. The upside is the client was able to help me out by providing some new data which should let me make up a little time. That helps. My boss was understanding but not happy. I explained to him the complications and he knew because he has been in the same predicament. It still sucked and made me look bad. Ironically they still want me to work on other stuff for the next two weeks. Go figure. It looks like now I will be going out to MS instead of LA and it will be in two weeks.
I worked pretty diligently yesterday trying to make up for the issue. I think I made some progress. I am working from home today to focus. So far not so good, but whatever. It's still early. I did find out how much this move is going to cost me - $400. That's the difference in checks.
Came home, made the kid dinner - pork tacos which had been soaking in green chilies. I also decided to ask people for help to cover the $400 I am going to be short. I called my dad and he is going to see what he can do and then I called X1. I asked her for some child support basically since that's where it will be going. She actually agreed to see what she can do. I don't expect anything, but at least she didn't argue or fight. Amazing. I was blown away.
TGF came over around 7 and we watched TV and hung out. We just spent a lot of time talking about everything and nothing. No sex, no clubbing. Just sat in bed talking and being together. It was kind of nice. She is still asleep of course. She did take care of her classes yesterday and soon will be at an 8am class 4 days a week. Let's see how this changes things if at all.
Yesterday was wild. I was so stressed out because of work. I had to come clean with my boss and the client that there is no way I will finish enough in time by the end of this week. It sucked and I was really uncomfortable doing it, but I did it. I manned up and admitted I was farther behind than I wanted to be by this point. The upside is the client was able to help me out by providing some new data which should let me make up a little time. That helps. My boss was understanding but not happy. I explained to him the complications and he knew because he has been in the same predicament. It still sucked and made me look bad. Ironically they still want me to work on other stuff for the next two weeks. Go figure. It looks like now I will be going out to MS instead of LA and it will be in two weeks.
I worked pretty diligently yesterday trying to make up for the issue. I think I made some progress. I am working from home today to focus. So far not so good, but whatever. It's still early. I did find out how much this move is going to cost me - $400. That's the difference in checks.
Came home, made the kid dinner - pork tacos which had been soaking in green chilies. I also decided to ask people for help to cover the $400 I am going to be short. I called my dad and he is going to see what he can do and then I called X1. I asked her for some child support basically since that's where it will be going. She actually agreed to see what she can do. I don't expect anything, but at least she didn't argue or fight. Amazing. I was blown away.
TGF came over around 7 and we watched TV and hung out. We just spent a lot of time talking about everything and nothing. No sex, no clubbing. Just sat in bed talking and being together. It was kind of nice. She is still asleep of course. She did take care of her classes yesterday and soon will be at an 8am class 4 days a week. Let's see how this changes things if at all.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Y3 D96
I am extremely stressed out this morning. I have to go into work and explain that I am farther behind than I thought I was on these projects. I worked a little yesterday to see if I could make up the time but it wasn't enough. This is one of the reasons I am leaving. The product is so half baked that I think I have everything figured out only to realize I am not even close.
Everyone got up late yesterday. Even after I posted I went back to bed for a while with TGF. She was having a seriously rough day yesterday. Between five days of dancing and a bad period all hitting at once, she was in no mood to move at all. We tried getting up at one point where I made her and the kid some food, we took a shower, but it was for naught. I ended up giving her a 325mg Vicodin and put her back to sleep. She ended up sleeping until almost 5:30. She was just in too much pain to do anything.
While all that was going on I was exchanging emails with my directors and co-head. I have to do music for the upcoming show and we were just discussing some logistical things. I guess I did better than I thought Saturday night because there were no evil emails or phone calls.
Meanwhile the kid and I went and ran a couple of errands - a new water bottle for the rats, and a small housewarming gift for a friend. We went over to the housewarming party around 4 and then I left briefly to check on TGF. She was finally awake and left for home around 6. She drove slow and careful and it took her almost an hour to get home. Normally this should have taken her 30 minutes.
The kid and I got home from the party around 7. They had a ton of food at the party so we didn't need to do anything for dinner. We settled in and watched two X-Files episodes. TGF called me around 8:30 and we talked until almost 11. After spending the whole day in bed, she was wide awake. What a shock. I think she was frustrated when I told her I was hanging up but I was frustrated because she spent the whole day sleeping and I just wanted to go to bed.
I also think I am just pissy because of work. I don't want to be here. It's my last week and I should be slacking but instead I am going to go full bore. Fuck it. I just don't care. There really is a part of me that wants to walk out the door right now and tell them to shove it. So close...
Everyone got up late yesterday. Even after I posted I went back to bed for a while with TGF. She was having a seriously rough day yesterday. Between five days of dancing and a bad period all hitting at once, she was in no mood to move at all. We tried getting up at one point where I made her and the kid some food, we took a shower, but it was for naught. I ended up giving her a 325mg Vicodin and put her back to sleep. She ended up sleeping until almost 5:30. She was just in too much pain to do anything.
While all that was going on I was exchanging emails with my directors and co-head. I have to do music for the upcoming show and we were just discussing some logistical things. I guess I did better than I thought Saturday night because there were no evil emails or phone calls.
Meanwhile the kid and I went and ran a couple of errands - a new water bottle for the rats, and a small housewarming gift for a friend. We went over to the housewarming party around 4 and then I left briefly to check on TGF. She was finally awake and left for home around 6. She drove slow and careful and it took her almost an hour to get home. Normally this should have taken her 30 minutes.
The kid and I got home from the party around 7. They had a ton of food at the party so we didn't need to do anything for dinner. We settled in and watched two X-Files episodes. TGF called me around 8:30 and we talked until almost 11. After spending the whole day in bed, she was wide awake. What a shock. I think she was frustrated when I told her I was hanging up but I was frustrated because she spent the whole day sleeping and I just wanted to go to bed.
I also think I am just pissy because of work. I don't want to be here. It's my last week and I should be slacking but instead I am going to go full bore. Fuck it. I just don't care. There really is a part of me that wants to walk out the door right now and tell them to shove it. So close...
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Y3 D95
Head... hurt... Ow.
I had a kind of rough day which ended up turning into a an over indulgent night. I am not sure how much damage I caused myself last night, but I am sure I will hear about it today. I was a tornado mixed with a fucking hurricane. My mouth was running, I was completely blind to everything. Yeah. Bad. And I lost my jell-o.
During the day I was completely alone. The kid had work from 7 - 4 and she woke me up when she left. I spent the first part of the day stressing about finances again (oh look I must be back at my old job) because I don't know how paychecks are going to line up these first couple of weeks. Then I spent three hours cleaning the house from top to bottom as a way to relieve stress. Which of course only took three hours. So now it's like 11am and everything is done. TGF had dance auditions until 2:30, the kid was at work until 4 which meant I had about 5 hours all by myself to sit and ponder the meaning of my worthless existence.
Yeah one of those kind of afternoons. Too much depressing music, too much feeling sorry for myself. Which of course led to too much rockstar and vodka being consumed at the show. The show went well, but TGF was there with her friends and I think I spent a little too much time with her outside that I may have lost my cover with my directors. It's almost 11am and I haven't heard anything but...
We didn't screw up the show too bad, but we missed cues and props were off. I know I will hear about that. TGF spent the night and she is still in bed. I think I will go join her. Then I need to deal with some work shit which isn't going to be pretty...
I had a kind of rough day which ended up turning into a an over indulgent night. I am not sure how much damage I caused myself last night, but I am sure I will hear about it today. I was a tornado mixed with a fucking hurricane. My mouth was running, I was completely blind to everything. Yeah. Bad. And I lost my jell-o.
During the day I was completely alone. The kid had work from 7 - 4 and she woke me up when she left. I spent the first part of the day stressing about finances again (oh look I must be back at my old job) because I don't know how paychecks are going to line up these first couple of weeks. Then I spent three hours cleaning the house from top to bottom as a way to relieve stress. Which of course only took three hours. So now it's like 11am and everything is done. TGF had dance auditions until 2:30, the kid was at work until 4 which meant I had about 5 hours all by myself to sit and ponder the meaning of my worthless existence.
Yeah one of those kind of afternoons. Too much depressing music, too much feeling sorry for myself. Which of course led to too much rockstar and vodka being consumed at the show. The show went well, but TGF was there with her friends and I think I spent a little too much time with her outside that I may have lost my cover with my directors. It's almost 11am and I haven't heard anything but...
We didn't screw up the show too bad, but we missed cues and props were off. I know I will hear about that. TGF spent the night and she is still in bed. I think I will go join her. Then I need to deal with some work shit which isn't going to be pretty...
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Y3 D94
Had a mostly nice day yesterday. There's something lurking beneath the surface that I can't identify that is nudging the back of my brain causing me to be on guard, but I am keeping it at bay for now. I am wary and watchful and I know it is right there on the edge of my perception. But when it moves I will kill it or embrace it as needed.
Got up, drove the kid to the train for class, then came home and went back to sleep for two hours. Got up, pretended to work, then picked the kid back up at the train. From there we met a friend for lunch. She had an interview nearby and we wanted to give her some encouragement and pump her up.
What is this silent little thing in my fucking head right now?? It's right there and I can't put my finger on it. It's starting to drive me insane. I want it out...
Came home after lunch and took another nap. I need sleep again. I needed to catch up. After that we went to the grocery store and got enough to last for the next couple of weeks. If I have to go back on the road I want to make sure the kid has food. I will probably cook a bunch of stuff before I go like chicken and a roast so she has leftovers that are easy to deal with while I am gone.
I have sober in my head. I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave. I will work to elevate you just enough to bring you down...
Ordered pizza and spent some quality time alone with the kid. We did an X-Files marathon. Almost through 100 episodes. I can't believe how many we have watched so far. TGF had a birthday party to go to but we talked and texted through out the day. Frankly in my mind this is how in some ways a relationship should be -- have your own friends. Have a life, don't make me your life. Go do things without me and I will go do things without you.
Went to bed around 11. Here we are kids. Another day. House cleaning time. Show tonight. Kill the voices in my head. They're whispering now. When they start to scream, run...
Got up, drove the kid to the train for class, then came home and went back to sleep for two hours. Got up, pretended to work, then picked the kid back up at the train. From there we met a friend for lunch. She had an interview nearby and we wanted to give her some encouragement and pump her up.
What is this silent little thing in my fucking head right now?? It's right there and I can't put my finger on it. It's starting to drive me insane. I want it out...
Came home after lunch and took another nap. I need sleep again. I needed to catch up. After that we went to the grocery store and got enough to last for the next couple of weeks. If I have to go back on the road I want to make sure the kid has food. I will probably cook a bunch of stuff before I go like chicken and a roast so she has leftovers that are easy to deal with while I am gone.
I have sober in my head. I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave. I will work to elevate you just enough to bring you down...
Ordered pizza and spent some quality time alone with the kid. We did an X-Files marathon. Almost through 100 episodes. I can't believe how many we have watched so far. TGF had a birthday party to go to but we talked and texted through out the day. Frankly in my mind this is how in some ways a relationship should be -- have your own friends. Have a life, don't make me your life. Go do things without me and I will go do things without you.
Went to bed around 11. Here we are kids. Another day. House cleaning time. Show tonight. Kill the voices in my head. They're whispering now. When they start to scream, run...
Friday, August 26, 2011
Y3 D93
After my adventure of the train yesterday I was ready for anything. So I thought. Not like anything major happened, but I had a day that completely exemplified why I am leaving. It did it so well that other people were direct about it. Comments like, yeah, if I had something lined up and was dealing with what you are dealing with, I would be quitting too.
I had the most bizarre dream last night. I was at someone's house, don't know who nor did it look familiar but it also wasn't meant to be strange. There were a bunch of people there including TGF. Then LO shows up because she wants my help in putting together some party that's going to be at my house that I know about. And we were so happy to see each other. We were laughing and talking like no time had passed. The fun really started when a theoretical other ex-gf showed up. Whoever this girl was, in real life I don't know her, but in my dream she was another gf. Then another. The strange part? I was hugging and kissing all of them and they were all happy with it. They were fighting for my attention not the other way around. Next thing I know I am in the car with the kid and she gets in two different accidents in my car. Then we are back at was is supposed to be my place but my car has been destroyed - exploded into multiple pieces and it's leaking gas and it explodes. I put out the flames and take care of it all the while a group is setting up a display on dildos. Yeah. Weird.
Yesterday at work was so frustrating. I spent all day dealing with the same error from the day before. We finally got it tracked down and resolved but it took until 3pm. I walked at 3:30. Screw it. Came home, went to my monthly brow appointment, then hung out with the kid. We watched X-Files and had a good salad of chicken and spinach. TGF called me around 10 and we spent an hour talking on the phone. I was a little surprised when I saw it was almost 54 minutes that we had talked. I don't like talking on the phone so it was just odd.
I went to bed at that point but then I had her and two other people texting me. I finally just got fed up and turned my phone off. I was sleepy dammit.
Today is going to be interesting. More tomorrow.
I had the most bizarre dream last night. I was at someone's house, don't know who nor did it look familiar but it also wasn't meant to be strange. There were a bunch of people there including TGF. Then LO shows up because she wants my help in putting together some party that's going to be at my house that I know about. And we were so happy to see each other. We were laughing and talking like no time had passed. The fun really started when a theoretical other ex-gf showed up. Whoever this girl was, in real life I don't know her, but in my dream she was another gf. Then another. The strange part? I was hugging and kissing all of them and they were all happy with it. They were fighting for my attention not the other way around. Next thing I know I am in the car with the kid and she gets in two different accidents in my car. Then we are back at was is supposed to be my place but my car has been destroyed - exploded into multiple pieces and it's leaking gas and it explodes. I put out the flames and take care of it all the while a group is setting up a display on dildos. Yeah. Weird.
Yesterday at work was so frustrating. I spent all day dealing with the same error from the day before. We finally got it tracked down and resolved but it took until 3pm. I walked at 3:30. Screw it. Came home, went to my monthly brow appointment, then hung out with the kid. We watched X-Files and had a good salad of chicken and spinach. TGF called me around 10 and we spent an hour talking on the phone. I was a little surprised when I saw it was almost 54 minutes that we had talked. I don't like talking on the phone so it was just odd.
I went to bed at that point but then I had her and two other people texting me. I finally just got fed up and turned my phone off. I was sleepy dammit.
Today is going to be interesting. More tomorrow.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Y3 D92
Today is starting out extremely surreal. I fell asleep on the fucking train and no one woke me up. I came awake to a dark, dead, empty train. I couldn't get any of the doors open either. I ended up having to push open the emergency door release which made a small scene on the platform. Talk about a fucked up way to start the day. Technically it's not even the worst part. I woke up this morning coughing up blood again. I haven't done that in a while and I had hoped it was going away but apparently not. If more people knew the dark side of my lifestyle, they'd stop being jealous real quick.
Yesterday was so all over the fucking map it isn't even funny. Woke up to what I thought was a message directed at me from my director. Totally fucked up my whole morning because it was a 'dead to me' message. Turns out the world doesn't revolve around me and someone else was dead to her. Go figure. Then as far as work is concerned, I was so apathetic it's amazing I just didn't walk out. Unfortunately I was dealing with a client issue and I don't harbor any ill will towards the client. I don't want to leave them in a rough spot because I don't care about the company. The fucked up part is I couldn't get any of there issues resolved yesterday. Engineering wasn't responding and support is in fucking India and only works in the middle of the night. They tried to send out a GTM at 10:30 last night. If I had been sober and anywhere near a computer, I still wouldn't have logged in. Fuck them.
After work I went to a gathering for one of my meetup groups. I have to play the game with everyone. I have to make them think I am still looking for someone else even though I am with TGF. What they don't know is that this group was more for just making friends and hanging out than dating. Because no matter what it won't hurt me to once more expand my social circle. With all the drama on cast lately, having some friends outside cast wouldn't be the end of the world. One of my friends met me at the even and her and I proceeded to put away two bottles of wine. Well, I drank 1 1/2 myself. We started as a team chatting up this woman. She turned out to be wild and slightly crazy -- not good crazy either. Somehow she talked her way into our next stop...
The friends of mine who own the ice cream shop invited a bunch of us in last night for free ice cream. We were scheduled to meet up there at 8:30. Me and my friend and this crazy girl headed over there almost right on the dot. There were already about 10 people there and after saying hello in my loud drunken way, I had ice cream. We stayed for a little while and then ended up going to another bar with crazy woman. I don't know how she kept getting us to agree to go places. There were about 5 of us at that point at least. Last things I remember is dropping her off at home, then me being dropped off at home, talking to TGF, and then morning. Clothes on, contacts in, and on the floor of my bedroom.
I'm a fucking work of art...
Yesterday was so all over the fucking map it isn't even funny. Woke up to what I thought was a message directed at me from my director. Totally fucked up my whole morning because it was a 'dead to me' message. Turns out the world doesn't revolve around me and someone else was dead to her. Go figure. Then as far as work is concerned, I was so apathetic it's amazing I just didn't walk out. Unfortunately I was dealing with a client issue and I don't harbor any ill will towards the client. I don't want to leave them in a rough spot because I don't care about the company. The fucked up part is I couldn't get any of there issues resolved yesterday. Engineering wasn't responding and support is in fucking India and only works in the middle of the night. They tried to send out a GTM at 10:30 last night. If I had been sober and anywhere near a computer, I still wouldn't have logged in. Fuck them.
After work I went to a gathering for one of my meetup groups. I have to play the game with everyone. I have to make them think I am still looking for someone else even though I am with TGF. What they don't know is that this group was more for just making friends and hanging out than dating. Because no matter what it won't hurt me to once more expand my social circle. With all the drama on cast lately, having some friends outside cast wouldn't be the end of the world. One of my friends met me at the even and her and I proceeded to put away two bottles of wine. Well, I drank 1 1/2 myself. We started as a team chatting up this woman. She turned out to be wild and slightly crazy -- not good crazy either. Somehow she talked her way into our next stop...
The friends of mine who own the ice cream shop invited a bunch of us in last night for free ice cream. We were scheduled to meet up there at 8:30. Me and my friend and this crazy girl headed over there almost right on the dot. There were already about 10 people there and after saying hello in my loud drunken way, I had ice cream. We stayed for a little while and then ended up going to another bar with crazy woman. I don't know how she kept getting us to agree to go places. There were about 5 of us at that point at least. Last things I remember is dropping her off at home, then me being dropped off at home, talking to TGF, and then morning. Clothes on, contacts in, and on the floor of my bedroom.
I'm a fucking work of art...
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Y3 D91
My phone wouldn't stop ringing yesterday morning. I was way too popular for my own good. I am trying to stay focused on yesterday but some shit as already happened this morning which is souring my mood and throwing me off. Focus...
First call was from a former client who somehow in one day had heard I was coming back. He wants me on the group in LA (Louisiana, not Los Angeles) the first week of September. Deja fucking vu all over again. When I went back to them in October this was the first client they put me on and I spent two weeks in their casino. After that my bosses called me to tell me they had two projects already lined up. THEN my current boss calls me into his office and wants to know if I would be willing to partner with the current company in order to take on one more project because he doesn't have the bandwidth. Damn.
Did my job for the rest of the day and went home. Helped a friend do some work on her computer and watched Rise of the Apes. I have to admit, they did a damn good job with that movie. I thought it was much better than expected and was really well done. Kudos.
I am out of sorts right now. More tomorrow.
First call was from a former client who somehow in one day had heard I was coming back. He wants me on the group in LA (Louisiana, not Los Angeles) the first week of September. Deja fucking vu all over again. When I went back to them in October this was the first client they put me on and I spent two weeks in their casino. After that my bosses called me to tell me they had two projects already lined up. THEN my current boss calls me into his office and wants to know if I would be willing to partner with the current company in order to take on one more project because he doesn't have the bandwidth. Damn.
Did my job for the rest of the day and went home. Helped a friend do some work on her computer and watched Rise of the Apes. I have to admit, they did a damn good job with that movie. I thought it was much better than expected and was really well done. Kudos.
I am out of sorts right now. More tomorrow.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Y3 D90
The normal human body is not meant to snort that much pure caffeine and live. Thank god I am not normal nor human. Seriously. I found a new fucking high. And it's 100% legal. Last night at 8pm, I snorted 2 grams of pure fucking caffeine. It's good to have friends who work in labs and have access to shit. My god what a fucking rush. Hell it's just a little over 12 hours later and my heart is still racing. Of course the two rockstars I have also had in the same 12 hours isn't doing me any favors. But jesus fucking christ -- the minute that shit hit my system it was like a heart attack, orgasm, and brain aneurysm all at once. My head was just like POW. The booze from earlier floated away. I was instantly sober, awake, and ready to hit the club. Which I did. And now we back up...
Went to work in the morning all ready to resign first thing. Of course my boss sends an email saying he won't be in until noon. Yep. Nice. Sigh. I sat here going bonkers until he showed up around noon. I tried to get in to see him only to be side stepped for a meeting. Dammit. Around 12:45 I finally got in to talk to him. I told the truth. It wasn't the people or the company but the product. He understood. He did ask if there was anything he could do and I told him frankly short of changing the product completely overnight, no. We are going to work through a transition plan this week on my current stuff and I handed off the project he had given me last Friday.
(my phone has been ringing off the hook this morning which is why it is taking me forever to type this...)
Damn. I don't know how news travels so fast but one of my old clients just called me. He heard I was coming back and wants me out at his casino the first week of September. Deja vu all over again...
Okay back to yesterday... After work I met with my now bosses and inked the deal. I am obligated to doing 1 million in revenue for 2012 in order to hit my percentage goals. I told them I want free reign of industries and will be going after gaming and porn. They were like well it is you and if you hit the numbers, do it. Fine done. See above.
After leaving them about 10 of us headed up to the club. Before we left I snorted the caffeine and BAM was sober and ready to go. TGF was with me of course. We partied until about 1 and came back home and went at it like rabbits from hell. Well I was going 900 miles an hour. She was trying to keep up. I know I made her happy. We passed out somewhere around 3 and I was up at 6. On the train at 6:30 and here we are.
Let's see what fun this day brings...
Went to work in the morning all ready to resign first thing. Of course my boss sends an email saying he won't be in until noon. Yep. Nice. Sigh. I sat here going bonkers until he showed up around noon. I tried to get in to see him only to be side stepped for a meeting. Dammit. Around 12:45 I finally got in to talk to him. I told the truth. It wasn't the people or the company but the product. He understood. He did ask if there was anything he could do and I told him frankly short of changing the product completely overnight, no. We are going to work through a transition plan this week on my current stuff and I handed off the project he had given me last Friday.
(my phone has been ringing off the hook this morning which is why it is taking me forever to type this...)
Damn. I don't know how news travels so fast but one of my old clients just called me. He heard I was coming back and wants me out at his casino the first week of September. Deja vu all over again...
Okay back to yesterday... After work I met with my now bosses and inked the deal. I am obligated to doing 1 million in revenue for 2012 in order to hit my percentage goals. I told them I want free reign of industries and will be going after gaming and porn. They were like well it is you and if you hit the numbers, do it. Fine done. See above.
After leaving them about 10 of us headed up to the club. Before we left I snorted the caffeine and BAM was sober and ready to go. TGF was with me of course. We partied until about 1 and came back home and went at it like rabbits from hell. Well I was going 900 miles an hour. She was trying to keep up. I know I made her happy. We passed out somewhere around 3 and I was up at 6. On the train at 6:30 and here we are.
Let's see what fun this day brings...
Monday, August 22, 2011
Y3 D89
Had a good day yesterday. Spent most of it with TGF even though she is still sick. She was more cranky than goofy this time because being sick is just bugging her. I was able to make her smile and feel a little better, but she ended up going home around 9 because she just wasn't in the mood to be any fun and she knew it. I can respect that. She came over around 1 or 2 and we spent some time running a few errands and just hanging out. I decided to play around with some foams last night and make an interesting dinner. The kid was at work from 9-6 and I thought she would appreciate having a nice dinner waiting for her when she got home.
I also had already done her a solid -- I ordered two tickets to Smashing Pumpkins on October 7th. That's right, two tickets. One for me and one for her. No TGF, no gays, no nobody. This is for me and the kid. I will say though $115 for two floor tickets? Fuck you ticketmaster. The tickets were only $90 but their goddamn service charges are fucked up.
Back to dinner... I did vermicelli with italian sausage, bell peppers, mushrooms, garlic, and onion served with garlic bread and then tomatoes stuffed with smoked salmon and topped with a smoked salmon mousse that I created in the whipper.
One of my friends came over unplanned and luckily I had enough food for all of us. I dislike when people do that, but I also like it. I like that people feel comfortable enough just popping in on me. Throws off my plans but fuck it. The kid was happy because she had someone else to talk to and didn't have to deal with just me and TGF.
After dinner we watched X-Files together and then TGF drove my friend home and went home herself.
Today I get to resign. This should be... interesting.
I also had already done her a solid -- I ordered two tickets to Smashing Pumpkins on October 7th. That's right, two tickets. One for me and one for her. No TGF, no gays, no nobody. This is for me and the kid. I will say though $115 for two floor tickets? Fuck you ticketmaster. The tickets were only $90 but their goddamn service charges are fucked up.
Back to dinner... I did vermicelli with italian sausage, bell peppers, mushrooms, garlic, and onion served with garlic bread and then tomatoes stuffed with smoked salmon and topped with a smoked salmon mousse that I created in the whipper.
One of my friends came over unplanned and luckily I had enough food for all of us. I dislike when people do that, but I also like it. I like that people feel comfortable enough just popping in on me. Throws off my plans but fuck it. The kid was happy because she had someone else to talk to and didn't have to deal with just me and TGF.
After dinner we watched X-Files together and then TGF drove my friend home and went home herself.
Today I get to resign. This should be... interesting.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Y3 D88
My days and nights right now are really good. There. I said it. I am fucking happy and am back on the upward curve of the cycle. Told you life is cyclical. Had a good day rearranging furniture because it's what I do. TGF came over around 1. She isn't feeling well right now and we went for tea. We had a great afternoon tea service and the tea helped her. She was really cute sick. Very floopy and goofy. After tea we ran a couple of errands and then came home to rest.
I realized something yesterday when we got back. Remember LO? I was very much in heat for that girl. With her I was seeing the reflection of X2 AS I LEFT HER when she walked out on me. LO was a carbon copy - shallow, beautiful, self-centered - all the qualities that work for me in some respects. I was looking at TGF yesterday and saw X2 again BUT AS I FOUND HER. Raw, excited about things, playful, cute, happy...
Will I destroy another angel? Will I break another soul? Or maybe can I do things right this time and just leave a mark without breaking it completely? We shall see...
After napping she was in a playful silly mood and we stayed in bed for another hour just being goofy. It was so refreshing.
While we were laying there I got an email/phone call. The contracts for me going back to my old company. Score. We are meeting tomorrow night to finalize everything.
Got up and made tacos for her and the kid. Then TGF took off and we headed off to the show. Had a great show. My director's were already drunk because they had gone off to a high school reunion earlier in the night. The mood was light and fun. The booze was flowing, the laughs were there, the audience was in good spirits. AND TGF was in the audience and I was being good. That of course was the hard part. But then again, once the show starts, no one pays attention to tech. We become invisible which is just how I like it. After show, got everything loaded and done. Was home around 3 and went straight to bed - alone. Also good move.
I really am learning how to be moderate in my behavior. I still drink too much once I start drinking, but in other areas I am learning. I am being as normal as someone like me can ever be.
I realized something yesterday when we got back. Remember LO? I was very much in heat for that girl. With her I was seeing the reflection of X2 AS I LEFT HER when she walked out on me. LO was a carbon copy - shallow, beautiful, self-centered - all the qualities that work for me in some respects. I was looking at TGF yesterday and saw X2 again BUT AS I FOUND HER. Raw, excited about things, playful, cute, happy...
Will I destroy another angel? Will I break another soul? Or maybe can I do things right this time and just leave a mark without breaking it completely? We shall see...
After napping she was in a playful silly mood and we stayed in bed for another hour just being goofy. It was so refreshing.
While we were laying there I got an email/phone call. The contracts for me going back to my old company. Score. We are meeting tomorrow night to finalize everything.
Got up and made tacos for her and the kid. Then TGF took off and we headed off to the show. Had a great show. My director's were already drunk because they had gone off to a high school reunion earlier in the night. The mood was light and fun. The booze was flowing, the laughs were there, the audience was in good spirits. AND TGF was in the audience and I was being good. That of course was the hard part. But then again, once the show starts, no one pays attention to tech. We become invisible which is just how I like it. After show, got everything loaded and done. Was home around 3 and went straight to bed - alone. Also good move.
I really am learning how to be moderate in my behavior. I still drink too much once I start drinking, but in other areas I am learning. I am being as normal as someone like me can ever be.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Y3 D87
Survived the week! What a accomplishment. The house is nice and quiet right now. No kid, no TGF. Just me and the animals. Ah....
Went to work in the morning even though I wasn't 100% Felt it as I was walking to the train station. But I made it in and I played nice. It was tough because I was assigned to a new project and had to act like I was fully engaged even though I know I am walking in there Monday morning and resigning. I did hear back from my old bosses and will have paperwork this weekend. It's confirmed. I think I am happy. You know I had reservations going into this job and I really did it because of the money. You notice I haven't had to bitch about money these last couple of months? That alone made it worth it. It put my street value back where it needed to be. It also showed them what I was worth. I know that's a fucked up way to have to do things, but it needed to be done.
Left the office around 3:30 and headed home. The minute I got home I headed out for the show. What a show it was! A HUGE stage and backstage area, real dressing rooms, real theater equipment. Oh my god if we could perform in a venue like this every week I would be in heaven. Dealt with some actor tantrums followed by my spotlight operator melting down and walking out 15 minutes before the show started. Typical theater shit. No other major drama but was stressful. But it was the stress I would expect and I was able to handle it without melting down myself. Made it through the show and was home around midnight.
The only real thing of interest was our cast advisor's husband came up to me early in the night and told me his wife had told him what had happened at the last show with me and the directors. His comment was that it was wrong, my director was out of control, and I shouldn't listen to her. I thanked him and told him that meant a lot and that in actuality I was still seeing TGF. He responded with "GOOD I hoped that's what you were going to say because it's nobody's fucking business who you are seeing." Now that TGF and I have been going out for 5 weeks, people are starting to realize that we are not hurting each other in any way we don't want and that dammit, we are a couple. His comments last night made me feel good. I know he will tell his wife and that she will approve.
Despite what I might think, there are people who want to see me happy and people who are willing to over look their own feelings for me to have that happiness. All you people? Love you to death.
Today I am going to do some cleaning and relaxing as we have another show tonight and I won't get home until late from this one. Then I am going to write a resignation letter...
Went to work in the morning even though I wasn't 100% Felt it as I was walking to the train station. But I made it in and I played nice. It was tough because I was assigned to a new project and had to act like I was fully engaged even though I know I am walking in there Monday morning and resigning. I did hear back from my old bosses and will have paperwork this weekend. It's confirmed. I think I am happy. You know I had reservations going into this job and I really did it because of the money. You notice I haven't had to bitch about money these last couple of months? That alone made it worth it. It put my street value back where it needed to be. It also showed them what I was worth. I know that's a fucked up way to have to do things, but it needed to be done.
Left the office around 3:30 and headed home. The minute I got home I headed out for the show. What a show it was! A HUGE stage and backstage area, real dressing rooms, real theater equipment. Oh my god if we could perform in a venue like this every week I would be in heaven. Dealt with some actor tantrums followed by my spotlight operator melting down and walking out 15 minutes before the show started. Typical theater shit. No other major drama but was stressful. But it was the stress I would expect and I was able to handle it without melting down myself. Made it through the show and was home around midnight.
The only real thing of interest was our cast advisor's husband came up to me early in the night and told me his wife had told him what had happened at the last show with me and the directors. His comment was that it was wrong, my director was out of control, and I shouldn't listen to her. I thanked him and told him that meant a lot and that in actuality I was still seeing TGF. He responded with "GOOD I hoped that's what you were going to say because it's nobody's fucking business who you are seeing." Now that TGF and I have been going out for 5 weeks, people are starting to realize that we are not hurting each other in any way we don't want and that dammit, we are a couple. His comments last night made me feel good. I know he will tell his wife and that she will approve.
Despite what I might think, there are people who want to see me happy and people who are willing to over look their own feelings for me to have that happiness. All you people? Love you to death.
Today I am going to do some cleaning and relaxing as we have another show tonight and I won't get home until late from this one. Then I am going to write a resignation letter...
Friday, August 19, 2011
Y3 D86
Couldn't take it yesterday. My head was pounding, couldn't breathe, couldn't focus on anything - just had to get the hell out. Ironically since I get in so early, leaving at around 11:40 meant I had already worked almost a full day. No guilt on my part.
The kid was still in class when I got to the train station and I had to walk home which put me in an even shittier mood. By the time I got home it was after 1:30 and I popped NyQuil and crashed. TGF had been texting me to see what I was doing and I told her I needed to rest and that I was going out like a light. She said she wanted to come over and take care of me. Sweet, but leave me alone right now. Not in the mood for anyone. Also my friend was texting me because she had a great interview and wanted to celebrate. Obviously I was in no mood. I told her the same thing, crashing ping me later.
Slept until about 5:30. The kid came home with tomato soup for me. I made us grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. Still felt crappy but was functional. The kid and I watched Runway and TGF came over around 7:30. This for some reason pissed the kid off. I called her out on it and told her to deal. I was still cranky and I don't think she liked it but tough. Now that she has quit her job, I am bank rolling her ass and she can just suck it up. Sorry, my house, my rules. You pay rent, you have a say.
She went off into her room to sulk so TGF and I watched a movie on NetFlix. She started her damn period (again, not complaining given the alternative) and I was cranky so we went to bed around 10. Another night of actually just sleeping.
I guess in some ways it's pretty nice to actually want to be with her and just sleep, but at the same time, I am a horny son of a bitch. Of course given my track record over the last couple of year? Meh, beggars can't be choosers, right? I still on average in the last 5 weeks had more sex than X2 and I had in the last YEAR we were together. Fuck it. One week of nothing isn't going to kill me.
God my fucking thoughts are still all over the map today. I know I am not 100%. Still waiting for the contract from my old boss to confirm I am resigning on Monday. I wish he would hurry the fuck up.
The kid was still in class when I got to the train station and I had to walk home which put me in an even shittier mood. By the time I got home it was after 1:30 and I popped NyQuil and crashed. TGF had been texting me to see what I was doing and I told her I needed to rest and that I was going out like a light. She said she wanted to come over and take care of me. Sweet, but leave me alone right now. Not in the mood for anyone. Also my friend was texting me because she had a great interview and wanted to celebrate. Obviously I was in no mood. I told her the same thing, crashing ping me later.
Slept until about 5:30. The kid came home with tomato soup for me. I made us grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. Still felt crappy but was functional. The kid and I watched Runway and TGF came over around 7:30. This for some reason pissed the kid off. I called her out on it and told her to deal. I was still cranky and I don't think she liked it but tough. Now that she has quit her job, I am bank rolling her ass and she can just suck it up. Sorry, my house, my rules. You pay rent, you have a say.
She went off into her room to sulk so TGF and I watched a movie on NetFlix. She started her damn period (again, not complaining given the alternative) and I was cranky so we went to bed around 10. Another night of actually just sleeping.
I guess in some ways it's pretty nice to actually want to be with her and just sleep, but at the same time, I am a horny son of a bitch. Of course given my track record over the last couple of year? Meh, beggars can't be choosers, right? I still on average in the last 5 weeks had more sex than X2 and I had in the last YEAR we were together. Fuck it. One week of nothing isn't going to kill me.
God my fucking thoughts are still all over the map today. I know I am not 100%. Still waiting for the contract from my old boss to confirm I am resigning on Monday. I wish he would hurry the fuck up.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Y3 D85
I feel like shit right now. Physically. And nothing serious or self inflicted. This is just a goddamn summer cold. I think it's because the weather has been all over the fucking map the last few days. I go from 80 degree weather to 50 with drizzle in an hour time span, add walking to that and being on the fucking train...
Ugh..
The kid is pissing me off right now. But that also I think due to my not feeling well.
She started school yesterday and while I am very proud of her, she is frustrating me. I look at TGF and then I look at the kid. While I have done my best to try and raise her right, there are times where I wish she could be more independent. I mean seriously, TGF does things by herself, runs around, deals with things and yet with the kid everything is a hassle it seems. She was stressed about the bus, stressed about finding the campus, stressed about walking back to the train at 9:30, etc etc etc. I need her to just deal with shit right now.
Went to work yesterday and did absolutely nothing. I just couldn't get my head around anything. Now I think it's because this cold was creeping on, but also I just think I didn't give a fuck. Old company is supposed to have a contract drawn up for me today. Let's see what happens. I also learned that the Director of Training officially quit yesterday. I knew she was unhappy too, but she snuck this one by me. Two of my other co-workers want out and my come with me.
Then I had the total bullshit moment of the day yesterday. I get a call from a collections agency being all dickhead about a $32 outstanding debt to Ameriprise. I am like what the fuck is this about? Turns out when I moved I had a small balance left on my insurance policy. They kept sending notices but to the old address. No biggie. I told the woman, fine, let's pay it. She still had an attitude. I had to basically call her out and say -- LOOK I AM NOT ARGUING WITH YOU AND WANT TO PAY THIS. She stopped and realized she was being a bitch and apologized. She also said she just wasn't used to people being polite on these calls and actually taking care of stuff right then and there. I told her I understood but this was just a simple error of moving and changing numbers and not a big deal. She agreed and we dealt with it. Man what a pain in the ass.
After work I took the train and then headed over to this college campus where we are doing a benefit show tomorrow night. We needed to meet to mark the stage, check lights, logistics, etc. An hour plus of driving. Sometimes my director upsets me. She doesn't drive and doesn't have any concept of traffic or where things are in relation to people. To her showing up at 7pm at a place is no big deal. To me it's an hour fucking drive.
Got done around 9 and picked the kid up at the train station. She had been texting me all day about buses, campuses, and I was just done with it. I went home and passed out. TGF texted me a couple of times and I didn't even respond to one of them I was so fed up with everything.
I still am. I may go home here shortly because I just can't do it right now. Want to go back to bed.
Ugh..
The kid is pissing me off right now. But that also I think due to my not feeling well.
She started school yesterday and while I am very proud of her, she is frustrating me. I look at TGF and then I look at the kid. While I have done my best to try and raise her right, there are times where I wish she could be more independent. I mean seriously, TGF does things by herself, runs around, deals with things and yet with the kid everything is a hassle it seems. She was stressed about the bus, stressed about finding the campus, stressed about walking back to the train at 9:30, etc etc etc. I need her to just deal with shit right now.
Went to work yesterday and did absolutely nothing. I just couldn't get my head around anything. Now I think it's because this cold was creeping on, but also I just think I didn't give a fuck. Old company is supposed to have a contract drawn up for me today. Let's see what happens. I also learned that the Director of Training officially quit yesterday. I knew she was unhappy too, but she snuck this one by me. Two of my other co-workers want out and my come with me.
Then I had the total bullshit moment of the day yesterday. I get a call from a collections agency being all dickhead about a $32 outstanding debt to Ameriprise. I am like what the fuck is this about? Turns out when I moved I had a small balance left on my insurance policy. They kept sending notices but to the old address. No biggie. I told the woman, fine, let's pay it. She still had an attitude. I had to basically call her out and say -- LOOK I AM NOT ARGUING WITH YOU AND WANT TO PAY THIS. She stopped and realized she was being a bitch and apologized. She also said she just wasn't used to people being polite on these calls and actually taking care of stuff right then and there. I told her I understood but this was just a simple error of moving and changing numbers and not a big deal. She agreed and we dealt with it. Man what a pain in the ass.
After work I took the train and then headed over to this college campus where we are doing a benefit show tomorrow night. We needed to meet to mark the stage, check lights, logistics, etc. An hour plus of driving. Sometimes my director upsets me. She doesn't drive and doesn't have any concept of traffic or where things are in relation to people. To her showing up at 7pm at a place is no big deal. To me it's an hour fucking drive.
Got done around 9 and picked the kid up at the train station. She had been texting me all day about buses, campuses, and I was just done with it. I went home and passed out. TGF texted me a couple of times and I didn't even respond to one of them I was so fed up with everything.
I still am. I may go home here shortly because I just can't do it right now. Want to go back to bed.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Y3 D84
Take off your pants.
Why?
Because I've never fucked a millionaire before...
Back once again with another block rockin' beat bitches. Yesterday was just so intense. Woke up with TGF in my bed all cute and snuggled in the blankets. I let her sleep. I trust her enough that I don't worry about leaving her in the house all alone. She's not psycho cunt. I am not worried she is going to strip me blind, well maybe me, but not the house...
Got on the train and headed into work with a bit of a chip on my shoulder. Not for any real reason other than I knew I was in for a long day of dealing with the product. I want to be very clear here about something. I like this company. I like the people I am working with here. I love the fucking commute. I love being in the heart of the city. That said, I hate the product. The deeper I have gotten into it over the last three months the more I have learned how much singing and dancing goes on. It's really pushed me to the edge. I can't stand behind something if I don't believe in it. I spent five hours yesterday writing a damn count function inside the application because there's no direct support in scripts for COUNT. I mean seriously people.
That shows you the state of mind I was in most of the day. I even had to spend 2 hours doing a one on one with a client and felt like such an idiot over some of the product issues. He was asking questions and I simply had no good answers for him.
At 4 I said the hell with it and walked out the door. I was scheduled to meet with my old boss at six and was planning on a 5:20 train, but I was just so mentally drained I said screw it. I headed to the bar where we scheduled to meet and let him know I was early.
He showed up about 45 minutes (aka 2.5 drinks) later. We then had one of the best talks. I am going back to my old company. BUT not just as a regular employee. Equity fucking stake in the company. Yep. I finally did it. After knowing them for seven years and working with them for 5 total, I finally get a slice of the company. Also he is matching my salary. Win win across the board. I have certain obligations I have to meet in terms of utilization, revenue generation for the company, etc. but it will be more than worth it. I will actually reap the benefits of what I put into an organization.
I haven't resigned just yet. Need to work out some details on timing and things, but it will probably be Monday and I will go back to my old place on 9/5. This will also let me get a full paycheck before I go. Very important.
Is it the right choice? For me, yes. I never wanted to leave, I just needed the money. If they had simply met my salary needs before, I wouldn't be doing this. But they didn't and it took me leaving for 3 months for them to realize how much they needed me. Plus I was able to negotiate a part of the company. Bam. Oh and if I am on the road more than 20 weeks, I get a flat $1000 a week for each week I am on the road. Meaning if I spend 25 weeks on the road, I will get $5000 extra on top of everything else.
We celebrated my return with an 05 Chateau Trimoulet and a plate of foie gras. He even picked up the $150 bar bill. Got home and partied even harder with my friends. The kid was in stress mode because she started school today. I had my friends give her something to mellow her out a bit. Nothing like a nice blue dream. Oh and wait there's more...
Before going home and after dinner, I went to Best Buy because my buddy showed up ready to buy me a tablet for the work I did for his company. I now own an Asus eee Transformer tablet. You should have seen the poor guy at Best Buy when drunky mcdrunky here walked in. I want dat one... Loving it so far. Need to get it configured and setup though as I was a little too all over last night to do it.
TGF came over and helped me celebrate. Once again we went to bed and actually slept. Was very nice.
And there you go. My life is ... it just is...
Side note -- is it odd when your girlfriend and daughter start college at the same time? Yep that's me bitches.
Why?
Because I've never fucked a millionaire before...
Back once again with another block rockin' beat bitches. Yesterday was just so intense. Woke up with TGF in my bed all cute and snuggled in the blankets. I let her sleep. I trust her enough that I don't worry about leaving her in the house all alone. She's not psycho cunt. I am not worried she is going to strip me blind, well maybe me, but not the house...
Got on the train and headed into work with a bit of a chip on my shoulder. Not for any real reason other than I knew I was in for a long day of dealing with the product. I want to be very clear here about something. I like this company. I like the people I am working with here. I love the fucking commute. I love being in the heart of the city. That said, I hate the product. The deeper I have gotten into it over the last three months the more I have learned how much singing and dancing goes on. It's really pushed me to the edge. I can't stand behind something if I don't believe in it. I spent five hours yesterday writing a damn count function inside the application because there's no direct support in scripts for COUNT. I mean seriously people.
That shows you the state of mind I was in most of the day. I even had to spend 2 hours doing a one on one with a client and felt like such an idiot over some of the product issues. He was asking questions and I simply had no good answers for him.
At 4 I said the hell with it and walked out the door. I was scheduled to meet with my old boss at six and was planning on a 5:20 train, but I was just so mentally drained I said screw it. I headed to the bar where we scheduled to meet and let him know I was early.
He showed up about 45 minutes (aka 2.5 drinks) later. We then had one of the best talks. I am going back to my old company. BUT not just as a regular employee. Equity fucking stake in the company. Yep. I finally did it. After knowing them for seven years and working with them for 5 total, I finally get a slice of the company. Also he is matching my salary. Win win across the board. I have certain obligations I have to meet in terms of utilization, revenue generation for the company, etc. but it will be more than worth it. I will actually reap the benefits of what I put into an organization.
I haven't resigned just yet. Need to work out some details on timing and things, but it will probably be Monday and I will go back to my old place on 9/5. This will also let me get a full paycheck before I go. Very important.
Is it the right choice? For me, yes. I never wanted to leave, I just needed the money. If they had simply met my salary needs before, I wouldn't be doing this. But they didn't and it took me leaving for 3 months for them to realize how much they needed me. Plus I was able to negotiate a part of the company. Bam. Oh and if I am on the road more than 20 weeks, I get a flat $1000 a week for each week I am on the road. Meaning if I spend 25 weeks on the road, I will get $5000 extra on top of everything else.
We celebrated my return with an 05 Chateau Trimoulet and a plate of foie gras. He even picked up the $150 bar bill. Got home and partied even harder with my friends. The kid was in stress mode because she started school today. I had my friends give her something to mellow her out a bit. Nothing like a nice blue dream. Oh and wait there's more...
Before going home and after dinner, I went to Best Buy because my buddy showed up ready to buy me a tablet for the work I did for his company. I now own an Asus eee Transformer tablet. You should have seen the poor guy at Best Buy when drunky mcdrunky here walked in. I want dat one... Loving it so far. Need to get it configured and setup though as I was a little too all over last night to do it.
TGF came over and helped me celebrate. Once again we went to bed and actually slept. Was very nice.
And there you go. My life is ... it just is...
Side note -- is it odd when your girlfriend and daughter start college at the same time? Yep that's me bitches.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Y3 D82
TGF and I almost took home a real cute one last night. Little 21 year old who looked like Denise Richards. She even had the eyebrows. It's kind of fun having a partner where you can even tease about things like that. Denise Richards thought we were cute together and was a willing partner. She ended up staying and sleeping with the chef. Oh, I should back up, huh? How about this? I hate waking up and still being drunk...
Yesterday was work. Very uneventful. I spent all day dealing with one fucking issue. I am not enjoying this product. It just pisses me off. On the other hand, my old boss called me yesterday again. We are having drinks tonight. Yeah, this should be interesting. After work, TGF met me at the train station and we headed over to my buddies place for a secret cafe dinner party. The menu?
Amuse Bouche of mole poblano on beautiful fingerlings
Grilled squid on homemade flatbread
Chilled eggplant soup
Braised goat tacos
Pistachio pudding with pistachio shortbread
All courses served with wine, beer, or liqueur. Bam. Booyah. Hazzah. Rock and fucking roll. Add to that the bottle of Bordeaux I brought, the champagne my buddy opened that him and I drank from the bottle, and the random other booze. I was flying like a fucking kite. But I didn't drive, didn't stress. Had a WONDERFUL fucking night. Got home around midnight, hopped into bed with TGF and sleep we did. Everyone there was incredible and supportive of us. I did get a little ribbing, but it was for once good natured. I met some nice folks and really enjoyed myself.
I left TGF in bed this morning and went off to the train. I assume she is still asleep. I did send the kid an email prepping her that she is not alone in the house. Let's see how that plays out.
I do feel pretty good this morning even if I am a little drunk still. It's more inside. I feel at peace with a lot of things. Bills are paid. Bed is warm. Job options are there. Yeah, it's alright man, it's alright.
Yesterday was work. Very uneventful. I spent all day dealing with one fucking issue. I am not enjoying this product. It just pisses me off. On the other hand, my old boss called me yesterday again. We are having drinks tonight. Yeah, this should be interesting. After work, TGF met me at the train station and we headed over to my buddies place for a secret cafe dinner party. The menu?
Amuse Bouche of mole poblano on beautiful fingerlings
Grilled squid on homemade flatbread
Chilled eggplant soup
Braised goat tacos
Pistachio pudding with pistachio shortbread
All courses served with wine, beer, or liqueur. Bam. Booyah. Hazzah. Rock and fucking roll. Add to that the bottle of Bordeaux I brought, the champagne my buddy opened that him and I drank from the bottle, and the random other booze. I was flying like a fucking kite. But I didn't drive, didn't stress. Had a WONDERFUL fucking night. Got home around midnight, hopped into bed with TGF and sleep we did. Everyone there was incredible and supportive of us. I did get a little ribbing, but it was for once good natured. I met some nice folks and really enjoyed myself.
I left TGF in bed this morning and went off to the train. I assume she is still asleep. I did send the kid an email prepping her that she is not alone in the house. Let's see how that plays out.
I do feel pretty good this morning even if I am a little drunk still. It's more inside. I feel at peace with a lot of things. Bills are paid. Bed is warm. Job options are there. Yeah, it's alright man, it's alright.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Y3 D81
Ah yesterday. Another beautiful weekend. I don't care what any of you say or how you feel about it - TGF makes me happy. She fills a part of me that I thought was dead forever. You know, I haven't felt Bateman in weeks now? I think it might be a record for me. Got up yesterday and bummed around while TGF slept. She needed the sleep. Went back into the bedroom around 9 I think it was and proceeded to go at it. It was my turn to wake her up. Goddamn. This is all I've wanted. Someone who knows how to enjoy the moment. Someone who gets that we don't have to be anywhere and it's Sunday and that doesn't mean getting up and doing brunch or pretending or whatever - No it means laying in bed, fucking, and enjoying being in each other's presence for a while. Forgetting the world, forgetting the responsibilities, just for a little while and just being. After our morning fun we took a shower and she headed on home. This was of course after a nice breakfast. She hadn't been home in a while and needed to do some stuff around the house. I was cool with that as I still had a pile of comic books out from the night before that I needed to take care of. See the night before while friends were over someone had challenged me on my comic book collection. My ego and a little alcohol resulted in a few thousand comic books being pulled out. As I pulled them out I realized just how out of order they were. I spent the first part of yesterday re-organizing the. I am not quite done, but am much closer.
I then took a nap around 1. The kid got home at 4 and told me she turned in her two week's notice. I fully support her on this. Any job that causes her enough stress that she has nose bleeds is not the job for her. Hell she even had issues trying to resign. It's not Starbucks that is the problem, it's the grocery store. I encouraged her to call the corporate offices and let them know her experience. I told her I would write a draft of an email for her to send. She was good with that.
Around 4:30 we headed over to my friend's place for a night of drag queen movies. I was dressed for the event in a perfect Ralph Lauren sportcoat/shorts ensemble with a hat and boa. Fabulous! Guess who was at the party? Oh that's right, TGF. See it turns out my friend and her husband have a mutual friend with me and TGF. So there's no reason for her not to be there. Gee, did I know she was going to be there? Golly, what a coincidence. Yeah, I know but I needed to play it a certain way until I saw who was at the party and if I could trust them or not.
The party was fun. We watch The Birdcage, To Wong Foo, and Priscilla. The kid was getting tired near the end of Priscilla plus she was kind of out sorts with everyone else there. She had worked all day and was more tired than the rest of us. Me, her and TGF all left at the same time.
\
We had a good talk on the way home, me and the kid. Just about her job, school, etc. Nothing in particular but nothing too light either. Was just a good time for us together. I am going to a dinner tonight and show stuff Wednesday and Friday so I promised her 100% of me on Tuesday and Thursday. This made her happy.
All in all? A good weekend. I feel awake and alive this morning.
I then took a nap around 1. The kid got home at 4 and told me she turned in her two week's notice. I fully support her on this. Any job that causes her enough stress that she has nose bleeds is not the job for her. Hell she even had issues trying to resign. It's not Starbucks that is the problem, it's the grocery store. I encouraged her to call the corporate offices and let them know her experience. I told her I would write a draft of an email for her to send. She was good with that.
Around 4:30 we headed over to my friend's place for a night of drag queen movies. I was dressed for the event in a perfect Ralph Lauren sportcoat/shorts ensemble with a hat and boa. Fabulous! Guess who was at the party? Oh that's right, TGF. See it turns out my friend and her husband have a mutual friend with me and TGF. So there's no reason for her not to be there. Gee, did I know she was going to be there? Golly, what a coincidence. Yeah, I know but I needed to play it a certain way until I saw who was at the party and if I could trust them or not.
The party was fun. We watch The Birdcage, To Wong Foo, and Priscilla. The kid was getting tired near the end of Priscilla plus she was kind of out sorts with everyone else there. She had worked all day and was more tired than the rest of us. Me, her and TGF all left at the same time.
\
We had a good talk on the way home, me and the kid. Just about her job, school, etc. Nothing in particular but nothing too light either. Was just a good time for us together. I am going to a dinner tonight and show stuff Wednesday and Friday so I promised her 100% of me on Tuesday and Thursday. This made her happy.
All in all? A good weekend. I feel awake and alive this morning.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Y3 D80
That was better. After posting yesterday, went back into the bedroom and had sex. Ah. Morning sex. In some ways it's the holy grail of sex. No rush, you can take your time, if you finish great, if not, it doesn't matter because it's one hell of a way to start the day. Anything that comes next you can take in total stride. Yay morning sex. Something X2 never understood. Well at least not with me...
Headed over to my director's place around 12:30, an hour late thanks to my co-head. We were there until about six. Worked on props, rehearsed, drank like a fish, and played like a nice boy. Got fried chicken on the way home because I knew the kid would be hungry and would want leftovers.
TGF came over around 9 and we had a little impromptu game night. We played flux, drank more, then everyone headed out around 11 and we went off to bed. She's still asleep. Wore that woman out. Amazing how me, the old guy, has more stamina than the young people. I rock.
Today is some light housekeeping and then possibly a movie marathon at our friend's place (me and the kid, not TGF). I am learning how to balance my time between all these things. It's a challenge but I think I can do this. I think I can make everyone INCLUDING me, happy. BTW -- it's been one month since TGF and I have been going out. A couple more weeks and I might break a record for longest relationship in the last 2 1/2 years. Scary.
Headed over to my director's place around 12:30, an hour late thanks to my co-head. We were there until about six. Worked on props, rehearsed, drank like a fish, and played like a nice boy. Got fried chicken on the way home because I knew the kid would be hungry and would want leftovers.
TGF came over around 9 and we had a little impromptu game night. We played flux, drank more, then everyone headed out around 11 and we went off to bed. She's still asleep. Wore that woman out. Amazing how me, the old guy, has more stamina than the young people. I rock.
Today is some light housekeeping and then possibly a movie marathon at our friend's place (me and the kid, not TGF). I am learning how to balance my time between all these things. It's a challenge but I think I can do this. I think I can make everyone INCLUDING me, happy. BTW -- it's been one month since TGF and I have been going out. A couple more weeks and I might break a record for longest relationship in the last 2 1/2 years. Scary.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Y3 D79
I am going to post quickly because TGF is waiting for me in the bedroom. I am only up because the kid needed me to wake her up because she got screwed and has an early shift.
I had the most relaxing day yesterday. I worked from home which I needed to do. I cleaned my house, took a nice long nap, burned movies, watched a bad movie, actually did some work, and essentially recharged before this weekend.
The kid came home around 6:30 and I made her a nice dinner of pork chops. She was stressed out again because of the job. I told her she needs to talk to her boss and quit if they can't come up with a schedule that doesn't cause her this much stress. It's a fucking Starbucks job for crying out loud. This is not her career - it's a blip and she needs to not let it give her this much grief.
TGF came over around 8:30 and all her being gone for a week proved is how much I actually like her. I had butterflies in my stomach waiting for her to get here. I was trying to figure out why I was so tweaked while I was waiting and that's when I realized it's because I was excited. I haven't been excited about something in a while. It was a nice feeling.
She hurt her back while she was gone so we had to play gentle. We watched Boondock Saints while I gave her a nice back massage and then headed to bed. I can tell her back was really hurting but it didn't stop us from having sex. But only once. Either I am slipping (yeah right) or she really was in pain. Of course, the morning is still young and I wish I was...
I am going back to bed, wake up I'm horny...
I had the most relaxing day yesterday. I worked from home which I needed to do. I cleaned my house, took a nice long nap, burned movies, watched a bad movie, actually did some work, and essentially recharged before this weekend.
The kid came home around 6:30 and I made her a nice dinner of pork chops. She was stressed out again because of the job. I told her she needs to talk to her boss and quit if they can't come up with a schedule that doesn't cause her this much stress. It's a fucking Starbucks job for crying out loud. This is not her career - it's a blip and she needs to not let it give her this much grief.
TGF came over around 8:30 and all her being gone for a week proved is how much I actually like her. I had butterflies in my stomach waiting for her to get here. I was trying to figure out why I was so tweaked while I was waiting and that's when I realized it's because I was excited. I haven't been excited about something in a while. It was a nice feeling.
She hurt her back while she was gone so we had to play gentle. We watched Boondock Saints while I gave her a nice back massage and then headed to bed. I can tell her back was really hurting but it didn't stop us from having sex. But only once. Either I am slipping (yeah right) or she really was in pain. Of course, the morning is still young and I wish I was...
I am going back to bed, wake up I'm horny...
Friday, August 12, 2011
Y3 D78
I had an interesting call yesterday from my old boss. Funny too how in the morning I was talking about my job and how I was a little meh on it. Turns out he wants me back pretty bad. Since I left they have had no one to fill any of the projects out of town. Seems nobody else in the company has any interest in traveling but me. I straight up told him he couldn't afford me any more. He asked me what I meant by that and I told him that there would be no way for me to come back for less than the salary I was getting at the new company. Period. No flexibility, no bonus programs, straight salary or nothing. BUT I wasn't against coming back, it just had to be on my terms. He said he would talk to his partner and see because they really need me back.
I know there are good and bad things about both companies. I am not being delusional. One of the biggest complaints I had with my old company though was financial. I wasn't able to live. Plain and simple. If they were able to give me my current salary and I could travel again? Plus it would be working with a product I knew and was comfortable with? Seems like a win for me. In some ways I had to leave to show them what they were losing and to give myself the negotiation room I needed. Let's see what he comes back with in the next day or two. I have a feeling I will head back from him this weekend.
Came home from work and the kid treated us to delivered indian food. We had a nice meal and then some friends came over to watch Runway and Futurama with us. A quiet evening at home. Was kind of nice.
Today I am working from home so I can clean the house and just have some time to myself before I have to deal with cast shit tomorrow. Plus TGF gets home tonight. I can't wait to see her...
I know there are good and bad things about both companies. I am not being delusional. One of the biggest complaints I had with my old company though was financial. I wasn't able to live. Plain and simple. If they were able to give me my current salary and I could travel again? Plus it would be working with a product I knew and was comfortable with? Seems like a win for me. In some ways I had to leave to show them what they were losing and to give myself the negotiation room I needed. Let's see what he comes back with in the next day or two. I have a feeling I will head back from him this weekend.
Came home from work and the kid treated us to delivered indian food. We had a nice meal and then some friends came over to watch Runway and Futurama with us. A quiet evening at home. Was kind of nice.
Today I am working from home so I can clean the house and just have some time to myself before I have to deal with cast shit tomorrow. Plus TGF gets home tonight. I can't wait to see her...
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Y3 D77
Man I hate being this close to the wire. I need to call a couple of my credit cards and see about moving things to the 15th or 16th. I get right down to the nub the first half of the month. I am fine the second half but the stress of the first two weeks drives me nuts.
Work was okay yesterday. Still just plugging along. I am still riding this job out. It's only been three months so I need to see how things go for a little while longer. I like the company, I like my co-workers, but the product is frustrating me. Oh well.
Did have a client onsite yesterday and spent about 4 hours with him doing one on one training. Had a nice lunch with him and got through a few of his issues.
After work my co-head picked me up because the kid was working until 8. He hung out for a little while and we discussed everything that happened Saturday. Everyone knew something went down, but nobody knew the details which isn't a bad thing. But I trust him and we talked about everything. I told him that I did trust him and that I have no plans to stop seeing TGF. I wanted him to know because I will be outright lying to my director's faces if they ask me. I needed to know if he was going to be okay with that. He is. We talked about a few things and we both are just frustrated with their behavior right now. We also realized that if either of us left cast, it's not like we wouldn't see each other. We both know there are a good 10-12 people who regardless of what other people say would still be our friends. See, if I get thrown off cast? He is quitting too. He was ready to quit before I started and the only reason he didn't was because I came on board and threw myself into things 110%. If I leave or get kicked off, he will be done.
Kid got home around 8:30. She is very stressed out about starting school next week. Mostly because for some of her classes she has to go to multiple campuses and on Wednesdays she has a class until 9:30 and she is a little freaked. You know, I tried my best to raise her to be independent and self sufficient but there are time when I realize she isn't me and isn't able to adapt to stuff as quickly as I can. She worries and stresses about things that aren't worth stressing about. Tonight I am going to help her map out a plan and times for buses etc. I also told her to find campus security and see what kind of shuttles they have for late night students. On top of it, her boss is scheduling her some fucked up shifts now and she is worried she will have no life. I don't know what to do for her there, because it's true. You want to work and go to school? Deal with it. You're not the first or the last person who has had to try and balance these things. BUT I also told her if she wants to quit the job to do so. I will support her until she finds something more accepting of her class schedule. I also told her to talk to her manager first though before going to that extreme.
TGF comes home tomorrow night. I am very excited. We played 'truth or dare' via text message last night. We both picked truth. She asked me what my biggest regret was. Simple -
I let other people decided my life for me and did things that put my happiness second.
I asked her what she was most afraid of -
That people will get to know the real me and find that I am not special.
Oh darlin' you are more special than you will ever know. You took an old man and gave him hope, happiness, and confidence. How much more special do you need to be?
Work was okay yesterday. Still just plugging along. I am still riding this job out. It's only been three months so I need to see how things go for a little while longer. I like the company, I like my co-workers, but the product is frustrating me. Oh well.
Did have a client onsite yesterday and spent about 4 hours with him doing one on one training. Had a nice lunch with him and got through a few of his issues.
After work my co-head picked me up because the kid was working until 8. He hung out for a little while and we discussed everything that happened Saturday. Everyone knew something went down, but nobody knew the details which isn't a bad thing. But I trust him and we talked about everything. I told him that I did trust him and that I have no plans to stop seeing TGF. I wanted him to know because I will be outright lying to my director's faces if they ask me. I needed to know if he was going to be okay with that. He is. We talked about a few things and we both are just frustrated with their behavior right now. We also realized that if either of us left cast, it's not like we wouldn't see each other. We both know there are a good 10-12 people who regardless of what other people say would still be our friends. See, if I get thrown off cast? He is quitting too. He was ready to quit before I started and the only reason he didn't was because I came on board and threw myself into things 110%. If I leave or get kicked off, he will be done.
Kid got home around 8:30. She is very stressed out about starting school next week. Mostly because for some of her classes she has to go to multiple campuses and on Wednesdays she has a class until 9:30 and she is a little freaked. You know, I tried my best to raise her to be independent and self sufficient but there are time when I realize she isn't me and isn't able to adapt to stuff as quickly as I can. She worries and stresses about things that aren't worth stressing about. Tonight I am going to help her map out a plan and times for buses etc. I also told her to find campus security and see what kind of shuttles they have for late night students. On top of it, her boss is scheduling her some fucked up shifts now and she is worried she will have no life. I don't know what to do for her there, because it's true. You want to work and go to school? Deal with it. You're not the first or the last person who has had to try and balance these things. BUT I also told her if she wants to quit the job to do so. I will support her until she finds something more accepting of her class schedule. I also told her to talk to her manager first though before going to that extreme.
TGF comes home tomorrow night. I am very excited. We played 'truth or dare' via text message last night. We both picked truth. She asked me what my biggest regret was. Simple -
I let other people decided my life for me and did things that put my happiness second.
I asked her what she was most afraid of -
That people will get to know the real me and find that I am not special.
Oh darlin' you are more special than you will ever know. You took an old man and gave him hope, happiness, and confidence. How much more special do you need to be?
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Y3 D76
Work is frustrating me right now. Specifically one client; he is very impatient and can't focus on anything for more than thirty seconds. It's like dealing with me and I hate dealing with people like myself. Plus I am suffering this week from the downside of working at a start-up company -- there are times when the product shows its immaturity and you have to sing and dance to make things look good to the client while texting under the table to engineering to fix shit. I would like to hold out here for a while, but so far this week has been frustrating. I think I am going to take Friday off just to regroup my mind. I need a day without drama, work, people, etc. The one upside to my old job was the ability to work from home on occasion and while I bitched about the long stretches of that, the small intermittent days definitely helped my mental attitude. Yeah yeah, I know - I bitch about everything. Hey it's what I do, remember? King fucking abrasive right here in the flesh...
Got home from work and made dinner for me and the kid. Made waffle and egg sandwiches because it's what I was in the mood for last night. No mystery or anything, just felt like it. We sat down last night and registered her for classes. She learned the first rule of college; when registration day is upon you, don't dawdle. Everything you need will fill up immediately. She is taking 12 units, all general education. Her schedule is not bad. She has a class pretty much M-F, but Wednesday is the only 'full' day. Everything else will still let her work and have time for a life. Plus she knocks out about 1/2 of the GE requirements needed for graduation this way. Some of her classes are hilarious like Homosexuality in Film. Yep. It's a real class. She needed something from the Humanities department and that was one of the few open classes.
I will say it did feel good to be able to pay for her classes, $450, without even blinking. I simply transferred it from her 529 and boom, done. Now she needs books. She will take care of that on Monday. Same thing, buy the books, transfer the money. Done. She will have more than enough for her AA.
After doing her classes we went and got some Froyo. It just sounded good. We then watched three more X-Files episodes. We are in season 4 finally. Only 5 more to go.
TGF and I texted sporadically yesterday. She is still out of town at her dance thing. She texted me late last night a little drunk and was surprised when I responded. We had a nice little back and forth until sleep was too much for me and I faded.
The rats are doing fine. I need to come up with some kind of play area for them. I am going to plan out how I want them to have some play area this weekend.
I wish I didn't have fucking rehearsal on Saturday. It's right in the middle of the day. But at least I don't have a show.
Got home from work and made dinner for me and the kid. Made waffle and egg sandwiches because it's what I was in the mood for last night. No mystery or anything, just felt like it. We sat down last night and registered her for classes. She learned the first rule of college; when registration day is upon you, don't dawdle. Everything you need will fill up immediately. She is taking 12 units, all general education. Her schedule is not bad. She has a class pretty much M-F, but Wednesday is the only 'full' day. Everything else will still let her work and have time for a life. Plus she knocks out about 1/2 of the GE requirements needed for graduation this way. Some of her classes are hilarious like Homosexuality in Film. Yep. It's a real class. She needed something from the Humanities department and that was one of the few open classes.
I will say it did feel good to be able to pay for her classes, $450, without even blinking. I simply transferred it from her 529 and boom, done. Now she needs books. She will take care of that on Monday. Same thing, buy the books, transfer the money. Done. She will have more than enough for her AA.
After doing her classes we went and got some Froyo. It just sounded good. We then watched three more X-Files episodes. We are in season 4 finally. Only 5 more to go.
TGF and I texted sporadically yesterday. She is still out of town at her dance thing. She texted me late last night a little drunk and was surprised when I responded. We had a nice little back and forth until sleep was too much for me and I faded.
The rats are doing fine. I need to come up with some kind of play area for them. I am going to plan out how I want them to have some play area this weekend.
I wish I didn't have fucking rehearsal on Saturday. It's right in the middle of the day. But at least I don't have a show.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Y3 D75
Those who control me control my future
Thanks man, I needed that. I mentioned the other day we got the same fortune when we went out to Chinese food. I know it's a statistical probability, it's not a big deal, it's random luck, but... Here's what it said:
You will receive support from an unexpected source in the next week. Accept it graciously
We both got the same thing.
I have so far received support from certain friends, my dad, my sister, my daughter all of which I am accepting graciously - and yet the approval I crave the most from the two people I seek it the most from won't give it to me. Well fuck it. I will not let them control my future. It's MY future. Not theirs.
I was thinking last night, no matter what I do, as long as I am on cast, I am putting myself into a situation where the odds are high I am going to meet nothing BUT people who are wrong for me. Maybe there's the answer? I needed cast when I needed it. Do I still need it? Have I grown enough to say thank you it's been a great year? I don't think quite yet, but I feel something. I won't let them control me.
(Something seems wrong with the font today. Forgive me if this post ends up looking weird.)
Went to work, did my job. Had an okay day at work. Nothing spectacular but no issues either. I am in a groove right now working on stuff for clients. Not good or bad, just a groove. Left my normal time and was home by 5:22. I did talk to my dad yesterday as it was his birthday. It's so odd when I talk to him and he tells me how old he is. He was 19 when he had me. He was just a little older than TGF. My mother was still 17. Younger than TGF or the kid. Different times? Different lives. He is doing okay. His wife is a decade younger than him so he gets where I am coming from right now.
And yes, this is pretty much all that is on my mind right now. When she gets home on Friday, let's see how things unfold. She will have been gone a week, I will have had a week to deal with all the repercussions of everything, etc.
Got home and made the kid dinner. Made mango coconut sticky rice with chicken in mushrooms, cilantro, and onions. Was pretty happy with how it came out. We then watched three episodes of X-Files. Finished with Season 3. Only 130 episodes and the two movies to go! We enjoy watching these together. Gives us a good bonding time. Tonight we are going to register her classes for school. This will be fun.
Went to bed. Got a text from TGF around 10. Made my night.
Thanks man, I needed that. I mentioned the other day we got the same fortune when we went out to Chinese food. I know it's a statistical probability, it's not a big deal, it's random luck, but... Here's what it said:
You will receive support from an unexpected source in the next week. Accept it graciously
We both got the same thing.
I have so far received support from certain friends, my dad, my sister, my daughter all of which I am accepting graciously - and yet the approval I crave the most from the two people I seek it the most from won't give it to me. Well fuck it. I will not let them control my future. It's MY future. Not theirs.
I was thinking last night, no matter what I do, as long as I am on cast, I am putting myself into a situation where the odds are high I am going to meet nothing BUT people who are wrong for me. Maybe there's the answer? I needed cast when I needed it. Do I still need it? Have I grown enough to say thank you it's been a great year? I don't think quite yet, but I feel something. I won't let them control me.
(Something seems wrong with the font today. Forgive me if this post ends up looking weird.)
Went to work, did my job. Had an okay day at work. Nothing spectacular but no issues either. I am in a groove right now working on stuff for clients. Not good or bad, just a groove. Left my normal time and was home by 5:22. I did talk to my dad yesterday as it was his birthday. It's so odd when I talk to him and he tells me how old he is. He was 19 when he had me. He was just a little older than TGF. My mother was still 17. Younger than TGF or the kid. Different times? Different lives. He is doing okay. His wife is a decade younger than him so he gets where I am coming from right now.
And yes, this is pretty much all that is on my mind right now. When she gets home on Friday, let's see how things unfold. She will have been gone a week, I will have had a week to deal with all the repercussions of everything, etc.
Got home and made the kid dinner. Made mango coconut sticky rice with chicken in mushrooms, cilantro, and onions. Was pretty happy with how it came out. We then watched three episodes of X-Files. Finished with Season 3. Only 130 episodes and the two movies to go! We enjoy watching these together. Gives us a good bonding time. Tonight we are going to register her classes for school. This will be fun.
Went to bed. Got a text from TGF around 10. Made my night.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Y3 D74
I am still a little, no correction, a lot pissed off about everything that went down this weekend. I swear to God I didn't go looking for this. I didn't ask for this in particular. I asked for help, I asked for someone to help me, I asked for a partner, I asked for companionship. I didn't ask for it to be an 18 year old girl. I didn't ask for it to be someone who is causing all the other relationships in my life to be ripped at the seams. But for fuck's sake, I am experiencing a moment of happiness when I am with her. I am sorry if it makes me sick and wrong in YOUR eyes. My morals aren't the same as yours. I have none. I have nothing but stone inside me. There is nothing outside the limits. There is no pleasure or pain great enough for me to say no. You don't get it though do you? Remember when I wrote about how I do the things I do because there is nothing left to do? That I seek that next level? That I strive to hit a certain point because I fucking can? Yeah, well that's what I am getting out of this relationship. Not sex. Yes, the sex is a side benefit don't get me wrong. I enjoy that part of it but it's something more...
Everything is new to her. Everything is raw and fresh. Hell even my own kid is fucking jaded. She has been travelling since she was a baby. She was in New York at 9. She has been sucking down fine champagne and foie gras since before most kids even know how to pronounce. Yes, I am fucking her up the same way I am fucked up and in ten years NOTHING will be fresh for her either. I am afraid she is going to be just like me always looking for that next thing because everything has been done before.
When I am with TGF though -- oh it's so new and different. Even just walking the streets of the city and seeing things in Chinatown. The other night when we ended up at a random party right off the street for her it was such a thrill. For me it's life. I end up at parties where I don't belong. I end up at concerts backstage. I end up in foreign countries with women and drugs and booze. Not her. She hasn't done these things yet. And I get to be the one to show her. Back then I couldn't do the things I can do now... So fresh. So fucking innocent.
Is that the part that's wrong? That I am breaking another angel? It's what I do. I don't belong here. I belong nowhere. I belong in my own private hell alone and bleeding from the inside. I kill everything that is beautiful because I forget that others have limits. Others have boundaries and sense. I don't. I push until there's nothing left.
But at the same time, I do what you all want don't I? I just want to fit in. I play your fucking games and I do what you want. I make YOU all happy. I don't know what to do right now. I am so confused. I don't want to give this up but I can't go away either.
I did do something yesterday. As cliche as it might be, I added two new pets to my house. I bought two rats - Lucy & Ethel. I like them. That's all that needs to be said about it.
You're so fucking special. I wish I was special. But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here....
Everything is new to her. Everything is raw and fresh. Hell even my own kid is fucking jaded. She has been travelling since she was a baby. She was in New York at 9. She has been sucking down fine champagne and foie gras since before most kids even know how to pronounce. Yes, I am fucking her up the same way I am fucked up and in ten years NOTHING will be fresh for her either. I am afraid she is going to be just like me always looking for that next thing because everything has been done before.
When I am with TGF though -- oh it's so new and different. Even just walking the streets of the city and seeing things in Chinatown. The other night when we ended up at a random party right off the street for her it was such a thrill. For me it's life. I end up at parties where I don't belong. I end up at concerts backstage. I end up in foreign countries with women and drugs and booze. Not her. She hasn't done these things yet. And I get to be the one to show her. Back then I couldn't do the things I can do now... So fresh. So fucking innocent.
Is that the part that's wrong? That I am breaking another angel? It's what I do. I don't belong here. I belong nowhere. I belong in my own private hell alone and bleeding from the inside. I kill everything that is beautiful because I forget that others have limits. Others have boundaries and sense. I don't. I push until there's nothing left.
But at the same time, I do what you all want don't I? I just want to fit in. I play your fucking games and I do what you want. I make YOU all happy. I don't know what to do right now. I am so confused. I don't want to give this up but I can't go away either.
I did do something yesterday. As cliche as it might be, I added two new pets to my house. I bought two rats - Lucy & Ethel. I like them. That's all that needs to be said about it.
You're so fucking special. I wish I was special. But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here....
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Y3 D73
Or else seems like a stupid fucking thing to say to someone like me.
Truer words were never spoken. Don't ever give me a fucking ultimatum. I will not play nice any more. You crossed a fucking line last night and there is no going back from it.
The day was going so well too...
Had a good morning despite being hungover. I had the whole house to myself for a large portion of the day. I even took the motorcycle out and went riding. Not very far, but it felt good to be on the bike regardless. Just get out and let it rip.
Around 4 or so, TGF texted me and I met up with her. I arranged for the kid to get a ride to the show, have everything ready, and then headed down to see TGF. We went for a walk, had some chinese food - oh and the coolest thing happened: we got the same fortune in our fortune cookie. Silly but neat.
Around 9 I left her and went off to the bar. Still trying to play nice and be good. Yeah, that didn't work. I get called into a pre-show meeting where I am told that what I am doing is wrong, that they are disgusted, that I am sick, I should grow the fuck up, essentially berating and belittling me in public. I thought it was done until we got to the theater where it escalated into an in your face argument between me and my director. She was in my face and called me every name in the book. Then she made the real mistake 'choose us or you're off this fucking cast and you're dead to me'.
What the fuck was I supposed to do? I can't lose cast. Not only for my sake, but for the kid's.
And now I will be forced to figure out how to either live a triple life - work, personal, cast - where nothing overlaps or I tell TGF to go away.
I don't like the position I am in right now.
Truer words were never spoken. Don't ever give me a fucking ultimatum. I will not play nice any more. You crossed a fucking line last night and there is no going back from it.
The day was going so well too...
Had a good morning despite being hungover. I had the whole house to myself for a large portion of the day. I even took the motorcycle out and went riding. Not very far, but it felt good to be on the bike regardless. Just get out and let it rip.
Around 4 or so, TGF texted me and I met up with her. I arranged for the kid to get a ride to the show, have everything ready, and then headed down to see TGF. We went for a walk, had some chinese food - oh and the coolest thing happened: we got the same fortune in our fortune cookie. Silly but neat.
Around 9 I left her and went off to the bar. Still trying to play nice and be good. Yeah, that didn't work. I get called into a pre-show meeting where I am told that what I am doing is wrong, that they are disgusted, that I am sick, I should grow the fuck up, essentially berating and belittling me in public. I thought it was done until we got to the theater where it escalated into an in your face argument between me and my director. She was in my face and called me every name in the book. Then she made the real mistake 'choose us or you're off this fucking cast and you're dead to me'.
What the fuck was I supposed to do? I can't lose cast. Not only for my sake, but for the kid's.
And now I will be forced to figure out how to either live a triple life - work, personal, cast - where nothing overlaps or I tell TGF to go away.
I don't like the position I am in right now.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Y3 D72
Not sure where to begin. Much of yesterday is a blur and I am a bit hungover. Okay, more than a bit. A lot hungover.
In the morning I left with the kid to help her navigate the lousy public transportation system and get to her college campus. We had a nice little time together waiting for the train and then the train ride itself. I made it into work about an hour later than usual which brought me in around the same time as everyone else. I felt like I was 'late' but truth was I was only late in my head. Yesterday was one of our First Fridays which meant at 3pm everything shut down and the booze started flowing. There was issue number one. I started drinking at 3 in the afternoon. This month we went to a local lounge instead of staying in the office which was a bad thing. Top shelf booze with no worries about tab or driving? Yeah, not a good mix.
I know I joke about it, but I do worry sometimes that I am an alcoholic. I mean I can go days, weeks even without a drink, but it's the impulse control that worries me. Because once I start drinking I don't seem to be able to stop until I pass out.
I had four or five at the lounge and then headed to the train station. The kid had to work and I was going to see a movie last night with cast so I decided to just take the train all the way down. Again, no car, no worries, no responsibility. Bad.
At 11:30 last night we were supposed to go to a theater where one of our friends works and they shut it down for just us to watch Clash of the Titans. I will get to that in a minute. But note the times -- 11:30 movie start. Train at 5. Drinking at 3. Yep.
TGF met me at the train station and we had about an hour together before she had to leave for a family thing. I never stopped drinking. She left around 6:30 and my other friends started showing up. For the next five hours I got sloppier and sloppier. We made it to the theater and the movie started around midnight. Next thing I know it's 1:30. I passed out hard. But what little of the movie I did see was fun. There were about 15 of us in the theater which was really cool. Had I been less drunk and actually able to see, I would have enjoyed it more.
I don't think I did anything really bad last night except for talk about TGF more than I should have in front of certain people. But honestly, I don't care. I really want people to accept that I am happy and while it might make them feel uncomfortable, they need to see I am happy with her. I didn't bring her last night out of respect for these people but at the same time? That really sucked for me.
Got home around 2:30 or so and passed right out. Today I am alone so far. Kid had to work at 9, TGF has more family stuff today. Show tonight. Let's see how things go...
In the morning I left with the kid to help her navigate the lousy public transportation system and get to her college campus. We had a nice little time together waiting for the train and then the train ride itself. I made it into work about an hour later than usual which brought me in around the same time as everyone else. I felt like I was 'late' but truth was I was only late in my head. Yesterday was one of our First Fridays which meant at 3pm everything shut down and the booze started flowing. There was issue number one. I started drinking at 3 in the afternoon. This month we went to a local lounge instead of staying in the office which was a bad thing. Top shelf booze with no worries about tab or driving? Yeah, not a good mix.
I know I joke about it, but I do worry sometimes that I am an alcoholic. I mean I can go days, weeks even without a drink, but it's the impulse control that worries me. Because once I start drinking I don't seem to be able to stop until I pass out.
I had four or five at the lounge and then headed to the train station. The kid had to work and I was going to see a movie last night with cast so I decided to just take the train all the way down. Again, no car, no worries, no responsibility. Bad.
At 11:30 last night we were supposed to go to a theater where one of our friends works and they shut it down for just us to watch Clash of the Titans. I will get to that in a minute. But note the times -- 11:30 movie start. Train at 5. Drinking at 3. Yep.
TGF met me at the train station and we had about an hour together before she had to leave for a family thing. I never stopped drinking. She left around 6:30 and my other friends started showing up. For the next five hours I got sloppier and sloppier. We made it to the theater and the movie started around midnight. Next thing I know it's 1:30. I passed out hard. But what little of the movie I did see was fun. There were about 15 of us in the theater which was really cool. Had I been less drunk and actually able to see, I would have enjoyed it more.
I don't think I did anything really bad last night except for talk about TGF more than I should have in front of certain people. But honestly, I don't care. I really want people to accept that I am happy and while it might make them feel uncomfortable, they need to see I am happy with her. I didn't bring her last night out of respect for these people but at the same time? That really sucked for me.
Got home around 2:30 or so and passed right out. Today I am alone so far. Kid had to work at 9, TGF has more family stuff today. Show tonight. Let's see how things go...
Friday, August 5, 2011
Y3 D71
Another good day spent at work and with TGF. Went to work early, got some major things accomplished. Was very happy with what I was able to get done. TGF took the train up and met me in the office. I am curious today to hear the comments. I am still at home as I have to help the kid this morning navigate public transportation to get to college orientation. TGF is asleep in the bed.
We went out for a little shopping and then had wonderful Korean food for dinner. We then met up with some friends at the club and danced our asses off. Home by 1, sex until 2:30. Oh yeah. At 4 I get woken up with kisses and this in my ear: 'wake up I'm horny'. Didn't take much to wake my ass up. So technically I guess that all happened today, but whatever.
Off to help the kid. More details tomorrow. Tonight is a huge movie party for cast at 11:30pm. I will explain more tomorrow.
We went out for a little shopping and then had wonderful Korean food for dinner. We then met up with some friends at the club and danced our asses off. Home by 1, sex until 2:30. Oh yeah. At 4 I get woken up with kisses and this in my ear: 'wake up I'm horny'. Didn't take much to wake my ass up. So technically I guess that all happened today, but whatever.
Off to help the kid. More details tomorrow. Tonight is a huge movie party for cast at 11:30pm. I will explain more tomorrow.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Y3 D70
All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.
And don't you ever forget it baby.
I had a fascinating moment last night. Flashback but with a twist. The kid had to work until 8, TGF had dance class and I was home alone. I was sitting in my chair around 7 and it was quiet. Had the TV on to some stupid show while I ate and I paused. I looked around and realized it was like it was six months ago -- empty, alone, and quiet. BUT the difference was I knew things wouldn't stay that way. I felt comfort in knowing the kid would be home shortly. I felt pride and happiness at knowing TGF was out there. No more than 20 minutes later she texted me too which just reinforced the feeling of... comfort? Satisfaction? There was no fear. There was no anxiety. Instead for once I got to revel in the moment. I was able to enjoy being alone because I finally understood what this means:
Being alone is not the same as being lonely.
I was not lonely. I was alone. I understood. I knew it was what it was temporary. A moment of solitude. This is so goddamn important because I know I will survive when TGF and I end it. I know even then it will be temporary. I am trying to be practical about our relationship. I mean come on, she's 18. She's going to wake up one day and realize that I am not a life partner but a moment of happiness. The same goes to her. She is making me happy RIGHT NOW and I am not going to dwell on it, overthink it, or try to ruin it. I am going to enjoy it.
Work was acceptable yesterday. I figured out a conversion script to take Julian dates to Gregorian dates which had not been done before in our software. Felt pretty good being able to share that with the group. Showed I could hold my own among the rest of the team. Had to move the van after work before it got towed. Finalized my reservation for an upcoming secret cafe dinner on the 15th. I am looking forward to it because TGF is coming with me and I get to introduce her to my other friends. Then I went home, and crashed super early. I am rested and clear this morning.
I get to see TGF tonight. She is meeting me at work and we are going to the club to dance our asses off tonight.
And don't you ever forget it baby.
I had a fascinating moment last night. Flashback but with a twist. The kid had to work until 8, TGF had dance class and I was home alone. I was sitting in my chair around 7 and it was quiet. Had the TV on to some stupid show while I ate and I paused. I looked around and realized it was like it was six months ago -- empty, alone, and quiet. BUT the difference was I knew things wouldn't stay that way. I felt comfort in knowing the kid would be home shortly. I felt pride and happiness at knowing TGF was out there. No more than 20 minutes later she texted me too which just reinforced the feeling of... comfort? Satisfaction? There was no fear. There was no anxiety. Instead for once I got to revel in the moment. I was able to enjoy being alone because I finally understood what this means:
Being alone is not the same as being lonely.
I was not lonely. I was alone. I understood. I knew it was what it was temporary. A moment of solitude. This is so goddamn important because I know I will survive when TGF and I end it. I know even then it will be temporary. I am trying to be practical about our relationship. I mean come on, she's 18. She's going to wake up one day and realize that I am not a life partner but a moment of happiness. The same goes to her. She is making me happy RIGHT NOW and I am not going to dwell on it, overthink it, or try to ruin it. I am going to enjoy it.
Work was acceptable yesterday. I figured out a conversion script to take Julian dates to Gregorian dates which had not been done before in our software. Felt pretty good being able to share that with the group. Showed I could hold my own among the rest of the team. Had to move the van after work before it got towed. Finalized my reservation for an upcoming secret cafe dinner on the 15th. I am looking forward to it because TGF is coming with me and I get to introduce her to my other friends. Then I went home, and crashed super early. I am rested and clear this morning.
I get to see TGF tonight. She is meeting me at work and we are going to the club to dance our asses off tonight.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Y3 D69
Yay 69!
So apparently it's official - I have a girlfriend. Yes, I can say it out loud and say it directly. We have decided that not only are we in a monogamous relationship, but that we are happy to use those terms to describe it. Anyone who disapproves can go to hell. Which means now I can use a new designation for her here in the blog -- TGF aka The Girl Friend.
I barely made it through yesterday. I wasn't hungover, just tired. I had a whopping 12 minutes of sleep on the damn train. I ended up having to eat lunch yesterday because the rockstars just weren't doing it. I need protein to get my body back up and moving. Had a good BBQ chicken salad which was quite tasty and got me through the day. Did some work that has me stumped right now. I am trying to convert Julian dates to standard dates and our dumb software doesn't support standard commands the way it should. It's very stupid as this should be an easy thing to do, but noooo. I am still working through it but I think I am close to finding a solution. I have been neglecting one other client which I have to do an update with today. This will be fun.
Got home around 5:30, normal time. Made some dinner for me and the kid and we settled in to watch X-Files. Around 7 the gang showed up. We had made plans to get together last night on Monday but I had honestly hoped they had forgotten. No such luck. It went from me and the kid to us and the gaggle of gays as I call them. We ended up doing about 3 1/2 hours of DnD. Yep. We're nerds. TGF was texting me on and off while I was playing which helped keep me from feeling too nerdy. My other friend came over while we were playing because she was just feeling sorry for herself and didn't want to be home alone. She really had no clue what we were doing but it amused her to see all of us on the floor moving little pieces of metal and rolling dice and getting upset for 20 minutes on the best way to cross a chasm.
After they left I finally slept. Still not caught all the way up, but better. I am not planning on doing anything tonight and the kid works until 8 so I should be able to take a bath tonight, relax, and go to bed early. Here's hoping...
So apparently it's official - I have a girlfriend. Yes, I can say it out loud and say it directly. We have decided that not only are we in a monogamous relationship, but that we are happy to use those terms to describe it. Anyone who disapproves can go to hell. Which means now I can use a new designation for her here in the blog -- TGF aka The Girl Friend.
I barely made it through yesterday. I wasn't hungover, just tired. I had a whopping 12 minutes of sleep on the damn train. I ended up having to eat lunch yesterday because the rockstars just weren't doing it. I need protein to get my body back up and moving. Had a good BBQ chicken salad which was quite tasty and got me through the day. Did some work that has me stumped right now. I am trying to convert Julian dates to standard dates and our dumb software doesn't support standard commands the way it should. It's very stupid as this should be an easy thing to do, but noooo. I am still working through it but I think I am close to finding a solution. I have been neglecting one other client which I have to do an update with today. This will be fun.
Got home around 5:30, normal time. Made some dinner for me and the kid and we settled in to watch X-Files. Around 7 the gang showed up. We had made plans to get together last night on Monday but I had honestly hoped they had forgotten. No such luck. It went from me and the kid to us and the gaggle of gays as I call them. We ended up doing about 3 1/2 hours of DnD. Yep. We're nerds. TGF was texting me on and off while I was playing which helped keep me from feeling too nerdy. My other friend came over while we were playing because she was just feeling sorry for herself and didn't want to be home alone. She really had no clue what we were doing but it amused her to see all of us on the floor moving little pieces of metal and rolling dice and getting upset for 20 minutes on the best way to cross a chasm.
After they left I finally slept. Still not caught all the way up, but better. I am not planning on doing anything tonight and the kid works until 8 so I should be able to take a bath tonight, relax, and go to bed early. Here's hoping...
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Y3 D68
I have had 12 minutes of sleep in the last god knows how many hours. I am fried to the core right now. Party like a rockstar, pay like a rockstar, fucking die like a rockstar. I don't care, I know I will die pretty...
Why the lack of sleep? Deathguild. Goth night on a Monday. PAYING FOR IT.
The day yesterday was good - I dealt with jury duty which I was sitting on hold for most of the day, did some work, and essentially spent good time with the kid. LO2 texted me midday to see my plans and told me her and her friends were going to the club. I had promised the kid we would go to the club for goth night at some point and well last night seemed as good as any. I rounded up about 4 more of my friends and the five of us headed of f to the club around 9 where we met up with LO2 and some of her friends. There was a little drama because one of her friends forgot her ID and couldn't get into the club. She was with a guy no one knew and of course everyone starting freaking out when we couldn't find them. LO2's friend did the right thing as he drove and he left the club with them and drove them home. This was after an hour of stressing out. I ended up taking LO2 and her other friend and my four home. Yeah, it was a little packed in the car. We got to the club around 9:30 and left around 1:30. Got home for 2 something and LO2 and I went at it like rabbits even though we had agreed on the ride home we would sleep. Yeah right. When the alarm went off at 4:45 we were just about finishing up. Hence the 12 minutes of sleep. The kid did have a blast at the club though. She has been wanting to go there for quite some time and really enjoyed herself. I think she was bleah with seeing me and LO2 together but at some point it was like whatever. I did have a weird moment though -- last night was the first time I saw my kid through someone else's eyes. I saw her as another adult in a club. It was a little soul shaking but as I told her, I will not be a fucking hypocrite. At some point she took off with my friends and I am pretty sure they went and got stoned. I don't approve, but again, not going to be an asshole about it. She was with people I trust and I know she wasn't going to be in danger so I bit my tongue. Well technically I bit LO2's tongue. And her back. And her shoulders. And her...
FUCK. Need to wake up. Need to function. I am on my third rockstar in four hours. Swallowing advil and a bag of red vines. Function motherfucker, function...
Why the lack of sleep? Deathguild. Goth night on a Monday. PAYING FOR IT.
The day yesterday was good - I dealt with jury duty which I was sitting on hold for most of the day, did some work, and essentially spent good time with the kid. LO2 texted me midday to see my plans and told me her and her friends were going to the club. I had promised the kid we would go to the club for goth night at some point and well last night seemed as good as any. I rounded up about 4 more of my friends and the five of us headed of f to the club around 9 where we met up with LO2 and some of her friends. There was a little drama because one of her friends forgot her ID and couldn't get into the club. She was with a guy no one knew and of course everyone starting freaking out when we couldn't find them. LO2's friend did the right thing as he drove and he left the club with them and drove them home. This was after an hour of stressing out. I ended up taking LO2 and her other friend and my four home. Yeah, it was a little packed in the car. We got to the club around 9:30 and left around 1:30. Got home for 2 something and LO2 and I went at it like rabbits even though we had agreed on the ride home we would sleep. Yeah right. When the alarm went off at 4:45 we were just about finishing up. Hence the 12 minutes of sleep. The kid did have a blast at the club though. She has been wanting to go there for quite some time and really enjoyed herself. I think she was bleah with seeing me and LO2 together but at some point it was like whatever. I did have a weird moment though -- last night was the first time I saw my kid through someone else's eyes. I saw her as another adult in a club. It was a little soul shaking but as I told her, I will not be a fucking hypocrite. At some point she took off with my friends and I am pretty sure they went and got stoned. I don't approve, but again, not going to be an asshole about it. She was with people I trust and I know she wasn't going to be in danger so I bit my tongue. Well technically I bit LO2's tongue. And her back. And her shoulders. And her...
FUCK. Need to wake up. Need to function. I am on my third rockstar in four hours. Swallowing advil and a bag of red vines. Function motherfucker, function...
Monday, August 1, 2011
Y3 D67
Before I get into the details of yesterday, I need to mention something that happened late last night. It wasn't too late, but it was definitely outside the times of what I would call normal for a Sunday night. I was sitting in my chair watching X-Files with the kid (we are through about 60 episodes btw) when I got a text. At first I figured it was LO2, but then I noticed it was from my director. As I went to look at it and respond, I got a second text from my other director, his wife. Now I was curious. What shit had I created this time? To my surprise both messages were pretty much the same -- 'Hey, we're watching always sunny, get your ass over here and drink with us'. That may not sound like a big deal, but remember, it was just one week ago that I was on their shitlist for LO2. A week ago I was a pariah and about to be thrown to the wolves. Now here I was back in the good graces. Being asked over to their house on a Sunday at 9:30 at night meant I was a good boy again.
Why this is important to me is that it shows me I can do this -- I can find balance. I can find a middle ground. I can control my impulsive behavior without hurting anyone. I was able to be loyal to cast, have a life, and get my work done. All these things are important to me and I am striving for the balance. I may have figured it out for once.
Now, as to yesterday overall... I left off yesterday morning saying she was in bed waiting for me. I made us breakfast of eggs, bacon, fruit, cheese, and champagne. We had already had sex twice since getting home at 3 something but I was ready to go again once I got a little food in me. We went at it from 3 until like 4:30, crashed, woke up around 7, went at it again, and then I took a break to write and cook. She went back to sleep while I was doing all that. The nice part is the kid had to work early and I let her take my car. Whole house to ourselves. Took breakfast into the bedroom and we sat and watched Pulp Fiction while we ate. We made it to the scene at Jack Rabbit Slims before the food was gone and other things were in motion. While it would have been truly ultimate to have sex during Fight Club (next on the list of things to do), sex during Pulp Fiction was pretty fucking awesome. It was around 11 by the time we actually got out of bed and showered.
Since the kid had my car, LO2 drove me to the theater where I was meeting my co-head to do a sound check for the upcoming show. They changed the sound equipment and we needed to verify we had all the right cables and connectors. He was late so her and I did the sound check and then hung out until he showed up around 2. She decided to go home as she hadn't been home since Saturday morning. I liked that. I liked that she needed to go home and take care of stuff. Not just spending the day sponging off me.
You guys get it?? I needed this relationship. It's *exactly* what I have wanted -- someone who is strong, independent, doesn't "need" me, but "needs" me. Someone who wants to spend time with me, but has her own friends. Someone who can show affection and enjoys holding hands walking down the street. Someone who sends a random text to say hello. Someone who doesn't want my fucking wallet or presents or to crash at my house constantly. No, she wants to be with me, have sex with me, hang out, have fun, and then spend some time apart. Heck, I don't even know when I will see her next, and then next weekend she is part of a dance thing where she will be gone for a week. If she was only 10 years older then it would be perfect. Not that I care about her age obviously, but between her friends, my friends, etc we have that obstacle to deal with. So far we are handling it, but...
Got back home around 3 and crashed out until 5. I was exhausted. The kid got home around 6:15 and we relaxed watching movies. We watched Sid & Nancy. I have some long boring comments on that and the whole glamorization of Sid Vicious but I think I will hold those for another time. After S&N we dived into X-Files. Managed to get through only two episodes before we both decided to crash.
Bottom line? Weekend was fucking perfect. This is happiness for me. I. Am. Happy. Don't take this away from me, please?
Why this is important to me is that it shows me I can do this -- I can find balance. I can find a middle ground. I can control my impulsive behavior without hurting anyone. I was able to be loyal to cast, have a life, and get my work done. All these things are important to me and I am striving for the balance. I may have figured it out for once.
Now, as to yesterday overall... I left off yesterday morning saying she was in bed waiting for me. I made us breakfast of eggs, bacon, fruit, cheese, and champagne. We had already had sex twice since getting home at 3 something but I was ready to go again once I got a little food in me. We went at it from 3 until like 4:30, crashed, woke up around 7, went at it again, and then I took a break to write and cook. She went back to sleep while I was doing all that. The nice part is the kid had to work early and I let her take my car. Whole house to ourselves. Took breakfast into the bedroom and we sat and watched Pulp Fiction while we ate. We made it to the scene at Jack Rabbit Slims before the food was gone and other things were in motion. While it would have been truly ultimate to have sex during Fight Club (next on the list of things to do), sex during Pulp Fiction was pretty fucking awesome. It was around 11 by the time we actually got out of bed and showered.
Since the kid had my car, LO2 drove me to the theater where I was meeting my co-head to do a sound check for the upcoming show. They changed the sound equipment and we needed to verify we had all the right cables and connectors. He was late so her and I did the sound check and then hung out until he showed up around 2. She decided to go home as she hadn't been home since Saturday morning. I liked that. I liked that she needed to go home and take care of stuff. Not just spending the day sponging off me.
You guys get it?? I needed this relationship. It's *exactly* what I have wanted -- someone who is strong, independent, doesn't "need" me, but "needs" me. Someone who wants to spend time with me, but has her own friends. Someone who can show affection and enjoys holding hands walking down the street. Someone who sends a random text to say hello. Someone who doesn't want my fucking wallet or presents or to crash at my house constantly. No, she wants to be with me, have sex with me, hang out, have fun, and then spend some time apart. Heck, I don't even know when I will see her next, and then next weekend she is part of a dance thing where she will be gone for a week. If she was only 10 years older then it would be perfect. Not that I care about her age obviously, but between her friends, my friends, etc we have that obstacle to deal with. So far we are handling it, but...
Got back home around 3 and crashed out until 5. I was exhausted. The kid got home around 6:15 and we relaxed watching movies. We watched Sid & Nancy. I have some long boring comments on that and the whole glamorization of Sid Vicious but I think I will hold those for another time. After S&N we dived into X-Files. Managed to get through only two episodes before we both decided to crash.
Bottom line? Weekend was fucking perfect. This is happiness for me. I. Am. Happy. Don't take this away from me, please?
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