I feel completely useless and worthless right now. I had a fucked up day yesterday which turned into a fucked up night which turned into a sleepless shitty time. I took a 5:19 train this morning to try and get a jump on the day but it's not working so far. FML. Serious FML.
I get up yesterday around 6:30 and start in working on one client's stuff. I feel so overwhelmed by everything that has to be completed. I thought I was making some good progress until I realized I was coming at it backwards. Well there goes two hours wasted. TGF gets up somewhere in this time and is just hanging out. I have to hand it to her, she completely respected I needed to work and kept herself busy on the other computer. Around 9 or so we take a shower because I am feeling tired and sticky already. Side note -- we have yet to not take a shower together when she is there. Remember the old bumper sticker? Save water, shower with a friend! Totally true in our case. Except I am really not sure how much water we are saving... You know, writing that and thinking of her is the first time I have smiled today. She does that to me. Makes me smile and feel a little bit better about things.
After showering I go back to work getting more and more frustrated with what I am supposed to be doing. I just fucking hate this product. For the record - I do business intelligence. I am an analyst, a modeler, a designer NOT a fucking programmer. There is a difference. With this product though I have to be a goddamn programmer and I SUCK AT IT. Plain and simple. If you read back, you will see this is why I didn't want the fucking job in the first place, but the money....
Around 11ish I decide fuck it, let's go get food. We go to a cheap sushi place I know and have a quick lunch. On the way back we stop at a Russian grocery store I have been wanting to check out. It was cool going in there with someone who can actually tell me what the products are. We ended up buying these Russian treats and some pickles. Oh damn, what a good pickle! The whole time we are out, she holds my hand, wraps her arm around mine, in the car she touches me. All the things I have wanted and needed from a partner. I know she is young and don't give a fuck any more. She is truly making me happy.
Around 2 she takes off because she has a family thing around 7 and needs to get ready. I keep working until about 5:30 and give up. I send out a lame ass status message and wait for the kid to get home. She gets home around 6 and I make us dinner. From then until about 8 I keep getting emails from the client asking how things are going. I don't really have shit to tell him but I try. The kid and I watch X-Files and I work on some music stuff I have been meaning to get done. Part of it is my mind is going 900 miles an hour dreading today. TGF texts and calls during this time to give me updates on how her family thing is going. Kept me sane.
Around 11 I finally try to go to bed. 12:30 I bolt upright from a bad nightmare. I don't remember what it was specifically only that everything was being taken away from me - not stuff, people. Once more I managed to isolate and upset everyone and they were turning their backs on me. Gee, what a shock. Right as I wake out of it, I see a message come through on my phone. 12:33am the client is telling me how he looked at the files and was 'surprised' by what he saw. He essentially was saying he was pissed off and we would deal with it this morning. Fuck me. I called TGF because she was awake and it calmed me down a little bit. I forgot to mention the other day, we have made it to almost 7 weeks. Amazing. Amazing I can tolerate another human being for that long without wanting to kill them and amazing that someone can be around me without wanting to run screaming. Granted there were five or six days when she was on the road, but still, we have seen a good deal of each other in these last six and a half weeks and we're still together. No, I am not saying anything deeper. I am just saying it surprises me. Maybe I will get 3 or 4 months out of this. Heck, maybe even six months. Let's see. It would be interesting to have someone around at the holidays for the first time in years. Side note redux - J changed her status once more to single on facebook. Someday that woman will realize we are meant to be together. Yes, I can talk like that even with TGF in the picture. I am just waiting for the shoe to drop with her. I am waiting for her to realize she is with a guy 20+ years older than her who will be dead before she hits menopause. It will happen.
I tried going back to sleep but tossed and turned until 3:30 when I just said fuck it and got up. This is why I took a 5:20 train as well. Just face the fucking day and deal with it. I have VERITAS tattooed on my goddamn stomach for a reason. Time to face the truth, get through this day, and make it through two more. I have never wanted a weekend to come so bad. Just today, tomorrow, and Friday and I can breath a little. If I make it. I might just jump out the window. See, I work in a building with real windows that open still. I could walk right over and just jump the four stories down into traffic. If the fall doesn't kill me, I can time it so a bus coming down the street finishes the job...
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