Y3 D74

I am still a little, no correction, a lot pissed off about everything that went down this weekend. I swear to God I didn't go looking for this. I didn't ask for this in particular. I asked for help, I asked for someone to help me, I asked for a partner, I asked for companionship. I didn't ask for it to be an 18 year old girl. I didn't ask for it to be someone who is causing all the other relationships in my life to be ripped at the seams. But for fuck's sake, I am experiencing a moment of happiness when I am with her. I am sorry if it makes me sick and wrong in YOUR eyes. My morals aren't the same as yours. I have none. I have nothing but stone inside me. There is nothing outside the limits. There is no pleasure or pain great enough for me to say no. You don't get it though do you? Remember when I wrote about how I do the things I do because there is nothing left to do? That I seek that next level? That I strive to hit a certain point because I fucking can? Yeah, well that's what I am getting out of this relationship. Not sex. Yes, the sex is a side benefit don't get me wrong. I enjoy that part of it but it's something more...

Everything is new to her. Everything is raw and fresh. Hell even my own kid is fucking jaded. She has been travelling since she was a baby. She was in New York at 9. She has been sucking down fine champagne and foie gras since before most kids even know how to pronounce. Yes, I am fucking her up the same way I am fucked up and in ten years NOTHING will be fresh for her either. I am afraid she is going to be just like me always looking for that next thing because everything has been done before.

When I am with TGF though -- oh it's so new and different. Even just walking the streets of the city and seeing things in Chinatown. The other night when we ended up at a random party right off the street for her it was such a thrill. For me it's life. I end up at parties where I don't belong. I end up at concerts backstage. I end up in foreign countries with women and drugs and booze. Not her. She hasn't done these things yet. And I get to be the one to show her. Back then I couldn't do the things I can do now... So fresh. So fucking innocent.

Is that the part that's wrong? That I am breaking another angel? It's what I do. I don't belong here. I belong nowhere. I belong in my own private hell alone and bleeding from the inside. I kill everything that is beautiful because I forget that others have limits. Others have boundaries and sense. I don't. I push until there's nothing left.

But at the same time, I do what you all want don't I? I just want to fit in. I play your fucking games and I do what you want. I make YOU all happy. I don't know what to do right now. I am so confused. I don't want to give this up but I can't go away either.

I did do something yesterday. As cliche as it might be, I added two new pets to my house. I bought two rats - Lucy & Ethel. I like them. That's all that needs to be said about it.

You're so fucking special. I wish I was special. But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here....