ANA Y1 D126

Happy Friday my gentle readers. It is Friday so you all know what I have been doing already. Bills, bills, bills. Who is this Bill and why do I get all his mail? Ah yeah, some jokes never die do they. Feeling good this morning. The dynamic is continuing to shift here in the house. Last night C and I were talking about tomorrow and she wanted to make sure I was okay with all that driving. It dawned on me, well, why don't I stay the night?? Duh. So I looked up the lowest point hotel in a reasonable area and booked us a room. But I did that after asking B if they were okay with me not being home and that they didn't have anything Sunday morning where it would be a problem. I am still putting them and the household as the priority. Not first, but a priority. There's a difference. But the point is, we're there. Overnight stays. Weekend getaways. Plus I was talking with my sister and niece yesterday and my niece wants me to come for her baby shower in December. I told her I would think about it and if I did it wouldn't be alone. She is okay with all that. So I may be going to Seattle in December. We shall see. 

Taught all day, dead group. Was driving me nuts. Luckily I had a distraction again. Made it much less painful. It was another 11-7 so it felt like it ate my whole damn day up. After class I started moving books upstairs. I managed to get almost 3 of the 4 cases filled. I would like to finish up the rest tonight. That will be everything. Move some stuff around downstairs to make more room and let me feel like it's moving forward. Was exhausted though after doing it. But it was a good accomplishment. Had BBQ for dinner. Need to figure out what to eat tonight. I am no longer worrying about what B is eating. They were out anyway and didn't get home until almost 10. They were immediately on the defensive though. Again, I think the reality of life is hitting home and they don't like it. Not my issue.

Funny how everything has shifted. Life is fucking weird. Therapy today. House shit. Lash fill. Work. Then I get to see my baby. More on this after I have processed some feelings. I need to go over some stuff with my therapist before sharing them here.

ANA Y1 D125

I performed what will be my last big act of kindness for B last night. They're going to Alaska in November thanks to me. Cost me $11.21. Used up a good chunk of my remaining miles, not going to lie. But, I'm the hero of this narrative. Of course it wasn't a completely selfless act. Have you met me? They will be gone from 11/15 - 11/24. Nine days with their woman. Alaska in November. It will be in 20s and snowing. You have fun with that. Why wasn't it a selfish act? Because C (yes, no more NG, her name starts with C and I have a feeling she will be around for a while) will be spending that period of time here. That's right. I will be having my own overnight guest. B and I discussed it and a couple of other things in terms of boundaries changing, not being appropriate any more, etc. We're at 5 days now of complete separation and it's working fine. Better than fine. I'm ready. With or without C, I am ready. I am enjoying my space. It's been a long time since I felt I had space. We did butt heads a little bit yesterday honestly because I felt they were encroaching into my space. Their stuff was all over my kitchen counters and I wasn't happy about that. It felt like a violation. Weird. I did help them last night get one of the final pieces of their furniture set. When they move out, they will definitely be set on that. No matter what goes wrong, at least they've got that sofa issue handled. Just sayin'...

As for me I taught all day. 11-7. And guess who joined my class? C! She didn't join via the zoom link to confuse the client. Instead she connected through Discord where I had my camera on for her. Look, in 10 years, B never sat through one of my classes. She always said she would but it never materialized. I know it's dumb, but it made the day fly by. I wasn't sitting bored spewing the same shit for the 10,000th time. It just was fucking nice. Don't worry. I'm not "in love" or anything like that. I am infatuated for sure. I am happy. Let me have that, okay? Changed the bandage on my tattoo last night. I forgot to mention, when I saw my artist on Tuesday, she oohed and ahhed over my rabbit. She told me how happy it made her to see someone who knew how to take care of ink post job and wants to use pictures for her brochures on after care. Nice. That made me feel good because I always think I am doing a bad job.

After class, picked up that dresser. Got back, booked B's flight, spent the rest of the evening on video with C. We watched another episode of Bear. Good show. She has agreed to watch two seasons of the doctor with me. Say a prayer she falls for it. It would be glorious to have another Whovian in the house. Nope, getting ahead of myself. I get to see her in October twice and November now for a week. December will come and we'll figure it out. Then somehow it will be 20 fucking 23. What the fuck? How did that happen?

Same deal today. Nothing planned for tonight except moving books up from the basement. I want as much of my stuff out of there as humanly possible. Down to just the books. We will hit the October 1st goal. I know it.

ANA Y1 D124

Happy Wednesday kids! I had a glorious day of self-care. I've had radar love stuck in my head the last two days. Back back to yesterday. Started the morning with getting my nails done. Had a great talk with my nail girl just about everything. She updated me on her U-Haul lesbian drama. Sadly it does look like they're going to break up. A lot of red flags coming out. I feel for her because she was finally with someone who made her happy. Ah, but there are more lesbians in the sea. After nails I went back home to kill some time before my tattoo appointment. Managed to get the remaining 3 bookcases upstairs. No books, but got the bookcases at least. Need to figure out how I want to set them up. But that was the last thing of mine that I really needed from downstairs. I haven't gone into my old office since Sunday. Life fascinates me sometimes. I spent almost 4 years in that room and then bam, just done with it. I literally have no reason to be in there. Weird. 

Left for tattoo around 2, started on it at 3. Just like my nail girl, spent 4 hours talking with my artist. Had a great session. Very happy with the work. Was out of there about 7:15, went to group, went to after group, got home around 11. Talked with NG on video chat for about an hour, went to bed at midnight. 

Today and tomorrow are 11-7. My least favorite time to teach. But oh well. At least I am booked and busy. Want some pics of stuff? Of course you do:

 

ANA Y1 D123

SELF CARE DAY! I am taking a much needed vocal rest and day off today. First is a hair appointment, then nails, then new tattoo, then group, and post group. I plan to leave here around 9:30 and not be home again until 11pm. It will be a busy ass day. I am looking forward to all of it.

Taught all day yesterday. Made a steak for dinner. Watched two episodes of the bear together. In between episodes we chatted and learned more about each other. I think we were on for 3 or 4 hours total. I really like her. I can't wait to see her this weekend. She's taller than me! It's been a long time since I have been with someone taller! I mean it's only like 2 inches, but still. It means I can wear heels and not worry about towering over someone. That was about it for yesterday. No drama or issues. My ears are still clear. My head is clear. As I keep saying, I'm okay. Maybe some day I will believe it if I say it enough?

ANA Y1 D122

I am in my new office! It is very sparse in here so far. We will fix that slowly over time. There are two bookcases downstairs I want to bring up. I mostly have the room for them. I have four total down there that need to come up, but two will go in here, two in the media room. This was the second night I slept by myself. Yeah, not a problem if I am being honest. Again, it was nice to just shut off the sound machine, turn on a light, have all my clothes right at my fingertips. I'm going to be okay. B, NG, gf - I really don't need any of them to be okay. Any one of them is nice, some more than others obviously, but I don't *need* them. This bitch can do this. I will come out of this okay.

So yesterday was spent organizing this space, getting B a new dresser, moving their shit downstairs and organizing their space. It was a very busy and productive day. NG went to a concert and was out from 5pm until about 2am and I didn't get a chance to talk with them much. I did talk to gf too much though. They are trying to be friendly with me but I can tell it's hard for them. It was small talk but it was strained. I was already detached from them for at least two weeks before our talk hence why this is easier for me. Again, regardless of who else is in my life, I was already moving on. I just got lucky and found someone else. Nothing more than luck. I know it. Although I do get to see her in 120 hours. Not that I am counting or anything. 

B and I did have a good talk yesterday. It finally hit home with them that I am okay and moving on. To this point they haven't asked CGF to actually be their girlfriend. They were worried about me. I was touched and surprised to be honest. I told them to get on that shit! So now they're all excited for when CGF is in town because they're going to ask them in person. Cute. No, really, I think it's touching. I am happy for them. Later in the day we placed a clothing order for both of us for things to wear when we spend our time in two weeks with our respective paramours. It was a defining moment for both of us showing us both, we're friends, we're okay, we're good. 

This week I teach and get a new tattoo! Just got to make it through the week. Today is 8-4, tomorrow is hair, tattoo, group, wednesday and thursday 11-7, friday is therapy and a lash fill, then Saturday! Glorious saturday where I can see NG and have a good day. Okay week, let's do this!

ANA Y1 D121

I'm working on my laptop this morning from the media room. Yes I am calling it my media room. Used to be the guest room. Why do I get to call it that now and why am I on my laptop? Because my UPSTAIRS office is not assembled yet. Everything is in there, the cables are all run, but nothing is assembled. That will be today's project. I got everything moved and all the cables run. I slept alone last night and it didn't kill me. I have no anxiety, no tinnitus, nothing. I have all my clothes, all my stuff, is upstairs. I don't have to scoop shit, I don't have to deal with piss. That's their world now. Enjoy. I have always joked "I have a guy" when I need to get something done. Well I can now add "I have a gal" to that. Yesterday morning I posted in my support group discord server that I was struggling with the cable runs. Turns out, one of the members used to run cable for a living. Well hot damn. She came over around 6 yesterday and within an hour I had two network cables in that room all ready to go. I have to put a plate over it this morning because I literally have a hole in the wall, but damn if it wasn't what I needed. Since I knew they were coming over, we spent the day moving as much as we could in prep. By the time the cables were run all that was left was my desk and computer stuff. The closets were done, the clothes moved, it was awesome. I finally finished as much as I could around 11 and proceeded to get into MY bed (slept in the middle of the bed for the record), and video chat with NG for two hours. I m sure B did the same. Even though they had a taco bell dinner date earlier with CGF in the night. Meh, I am getting it. I might still tease them about shit, but I get it. While all this was going on, our friend came over for B to give them a manicure. It definitely slowed down my moving because I kept stopping to socialize. They also tried to convince me to go out with them at 10:30 but I was like nope, have shit to do. Not only did I want to finish moving stuff, but I wanted to talk to NG. Okay this sucks doing it in this room. Time to get my ass in gear and finish my office. 

ANA Y1 D120

I never understood Katrina and her waves, but I get them now. Hi kids. Yes, I am still doing great. I had another 3 hour video chat with NG last night. I am turning into B. Look I know I was chastising them for doing this shit very recently but I get it now, okay? I still think some of the stuff they're doing is weird and creepy like the whole "let me watch you while you sleep" but the general hanging out part, I get it. We just hung out while I did stuff in my office and she tried out some makeup looks for a concert tomorrow. I get it. I just want to be in the same room as her. It doesn't matter what we're doing, just as long as we do it together. 

Speaking of my office, I got very frustrated last night. I need some way of getting two network cables run upstairs. I can't go through the wall because I am dealing with an outside wall and it stuffed with insulation. I don't want to start cutting holes in my floor for the obvious reasons. I can't use wireless because of performance issues. I am very frustrated. I am going to approach it again from a different angle today, but goddamn it's annoying. I just need two tiny cables to move my ass upstairs. That's it. Once those cables are up there, B can have this entire downstairs. I must get this done today. 

I had a good day yesterday otherwise, cable issues aside. I had a good therapy session where we discussed why it is I tend to be attracted to and want to hang out with younger people. It's an energy thing. People my age all seem to settle. They get too comfortable and don't want to do anything or learn anything or try anything new any more. I can't. I just can't. You know how I feel:

Something has to change.
Undeniable dilemma.
Boredom's not a burden
Anyone should bear.
Constant over-stimulation numbs me
But I would not want you
Any other way.
Just not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I said
I don't want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive

Such truth. I need it. So bad. The thought of stagnation scares me more than anything else in this world. So yes, the attraction of youth, energy, wide eyed innocence. Bring it on. I also told my therapist I was about to repeat the cycle. I'm okay with it. If I get another 10 years, great. 5 even. Let me have this before I die. I don't want to sit on a porch somewhere and play with grandkids. Fuck that. Better to burn out than fade away.

We also discussed why I knew it was time to eliminate one thing from my life. We talked at length about my apathy towards gf. Why I just couldn't get motivated enough to want to be with them. It all goes hand in hand. I saw them moving nowhere. I saw them focused on one fucking thing - their kids. I don't have time for that. They will never escape their situation. They don't have the motivation to do so. Nope. Not for me. They don't want new experiences. They don't want to do anything because they're a victim of their own mind. 

Speaking of  new adventures, NG and I figured out a way to see each other earlier than originally planned. I am going next weekend to Grand Rapids for the day to go to Art Prize. A big city wide art exhibit. We're going to meet up, spend the day together, and enjoy exploring. I can't wait. Just one week and I can see her again in person. In the meantime, lots of video chats and messaging. The weekend will be here before you know it. I will be bouncing off the walls all week. 

Today is cable issue, a new dresser is being delivered, and that's about it. I must get the cable thing resolved come hell or high water.

ANA Y1 D119

Well hello there. How are you doing? I'm doing swell. I pulled a B last night. I was on a video call for over 2 hours with NG. We compared music libraries, taste in TV and movies, and books. Guess who is also a Chuck fan?? Woo! She sent me a message while I was sleeping telling me how she gushed about me to her friend after we got off our call. Now here I am gushing to all of you. Let me tell you how the next 10 years of my life are about to go. Rinse and repeat baby. Maybe this time it will be easier when she decides to leave me. Ask me in 2032. What? I'm okay with this. I have discovered my pattern, my habits, and my flaws. All good.

On the other hand, gf turned into a psycho bitch. She ran the entire gambit of feelings yesterday. From calling me manipulative, to whining about not being special enough to be a primary, to finally calming down and saying she wants to be my friend. I stayed calm through the whole thing which at a couple of points pissed her off even more. C'est la vie babe. I'm not playing games. I shared from day one how I felt and stuck to my boundaries. Is what it is. No matter what, all of this has been a good learning experience. From B to the GF to NG. I am learning about me, learning what I can tolerate, learning what pushes me over the edge. 

Taught my group, went to dinner with my friend. She was supposed to bring her new girlfriend but they too are having issues. Boundaries need to be respected. What was going to be a light dinner turned into us talking for two hours about how some people just don't know when to back off. She's worried about a U-Haul lesbian, I'm worried about a crazy chick, oh, and B had their own lesbian drama too. They had to block one of theirs. B showed me the message thread and it was severe. Some serious crazy ass shit. Luckily that one doesn't have a car and can't get to us. But woo boy was it crazy.

Therapy today, another day of teaching, then going to do some start of moving shit upstairs. This weekend should mark me and B being 100% separate. I just have to get this office moved. Step one, get my damn network cables up there. I have to figure that out. Once I get network cables up, the rest is easy. Once the office is moved, I literally have no reason to be down here and they have little reason to be upstairs. Our lives will take the next step. No more climbing up and down stairs. I am good with this. Wish me luck.

ANA Y1 D118

 I have reached the achy and sore portion of this cold. Lovely. The logical part of me knows I just need to stay home and do nothing for a day but yeah, that's not happening. Especially not last night. Last night needed to happen. I ended any kind of physical relationship with the gf. I did it in public so there wouldn't be a scene. At the time she was fine with everything, but of course five hours later I get a message telling me how unfair that was. Um duh? I did it on purpose? Strangers with this kind of honesty make me go a big rubbery one. She was a stranger. I may have fucked her, but she was a stranger. I didn't want to know her. I didn't want to get closer. That's why it needed to end. We said we could stay friends. Let's see how that goes. I expect to stop talking to her by the end of next month at the latest. 

In other news, I do get B and CGF more. I am experiencing the high of NRE with NG. In snap she has bumped two others for the coveted gold heart icon next to her name. Let's see if it makes it to red heart. I found out last night she also likes photography. When we go out of town in a couple of weeks (370 hours in case you're wondering) we're both bringing our cameras. I learned many things about her in the last few days. See? NRE. Getting to know you, getting to know all about you. This I like. The only difference between me and B is the whole video thing. I'm not glued to a screen to talk to NG. I can't do that. Not who I am in general. But otherwise, yeah I get it.

Taught day 2 with my group. I like them. They're all very nice. No issues, no problems. Two more days with this group. Finished around 5 and headed out for my dinner around 6. Was back home by 7:30. Watched some tv, relaxed, went to bed. Tonight I am having dinner with my friend and HER new gf. Lesbians of the world unite! 

I will go on the record and say once more, I'm okay. I will be okay. 

ANA Y1 D117

This cold is kicking my ass. It definitely is a cold too because B in a fit of paranoia went and had a real COVID test done yesterday. Negative. It's just a cold. I'm gonna pop some Dayquil today to see if it helps. I've got to get over this. Maybe if I stayed home and slept? Nah. That's just logical. Plus my dance card is too full.

Speaking of my dance card, NG used the girlfriend word yesterday. I am okay with it. It just means that tonight I have to break up with the other one. No, not because NG has an issue with me seeing someone else, it's because I want to. There is a definite vibe difference between the two and the closer I get to NG mentally and emotionally, the more I realize that for me, gf is nothing but sex. I have been sitting here talking to NG for hours a day via messages and learning more about her while gf I am apathetic to in that regard. I don't care. I don't care about your kids or your job. I have no interest in knowing more about you. It just doesn't matter to me. But yet, I want to know everything about NG. This should be a clear sign to me that their not right for my needs. Like I can't wait for NG to message me this morning but literally couldn't care if gf does. They serve one purpose, sex. But they're over here throwing the L word around. Nope. So tonight it ends. I plan on telling them the truth. I have been seeing someone else and am going to try and focus my energy on them. 

Talking with NG like I have been also shifts my perspective a bit on what B has been doing with CGF. Last night when I came home around midnight, they were on a video chat. I assume they had been on for a while and based on what B was wearing I assume they were doing a little video hanky panky. But yet, it didn't bother me. Because I am over here talking to NG for hours on the phone. Plus I got some R rated pics from them yesterday. The difference is the out loud talking. Mine is all silent and between us. B is bringing theirs into our home in a more direct way. That's the part that stings. But it is what it is. Soon enough I won't have to come down here or see them at all. I honestly can't wait until next year and they are out of here fully. Sad, but true.

Someone explain to me how this is my life right now? Seriously.

Started my next sessions with Human Society. Smaller group this time but still a good group. Four days with them total. I like teaching them. They are eager to learn and very engaged. My kind of people. We got through day one with no issues. After class I went to dinner by myself. I am getting so much more comfortable with just being me in public. Tired of hiding, tired of worrying. Just living my life as me. It's all I can do. Went to group after dinner, went to the restaurant after group. Had fun talking with friends and got home around 11:45ish. Was in bed around 12:30. 

Okay. Steel up here. Get through the day, break up, go to bed early. Those are the plans. 

ANA Y1 D116

 A mostly uneventful day finally. I've needed one of those. I taught from 8:30 - 4:30, went out for Pho with biker boy, home at 7:30, watched TV, went to bed at 10:30. That was it. I did move some more of B's furniture down into my office. But that was the most exciting thing I did. My tinnitus is doing good, my cold is not. Still full of snot and phlegm. I made a decision to break up with the gf. I am tired of her neediness. Plain and simple. She is too clingy, too domesticated, too a lot of things for me. Last night I posted something on Insta and TWELVE SECONDS later she liked it. Bitch, I don't even like my spouse's shit that fast. That's just giving off some creeper vibes. Plus things are going really well with the new girl and I would like to see how that goes. I like the distance you get in an ENM relationship, but managing multiple people becomes exhausting. I need to get rid of one. GF is the most logical one to drop. I know I am giving up guaranteed sex, but so be it. The other stress this relationship is costing me isn't worth it. I don't think she is going to take it well but it must be done. Sigh. We will see how this goes. 

New group today and the rest of the week. Group tonight.

ANA Y1 D115

I thought I was going to relax yesterday. Silly me. Instead I worked my ass off. It took an actual argument between me and B though. They were hemming and hawing again about moving shit and I lost it. I told them my boundaries in no uncertain terms and they described their feelings. I held to my guns though. The issue was they didn't understand or feel I had communicated clearly enough that I want them fully downstairs and separate from my living space. For me this seemed a no brainer issue. Apparently it wasn't. They thought they would still get an office upstairs. Um, no? We got through it and it was the catalyst needed to make some progress. I got a ton of my clothes upstairs, they got more shit packed from their office, and I was even able to get my vanity out. I will start moving some of their furniture in here next. But I need them to pack up more stuff. The goal is still the end of the month. We will see if they hit it.

They went out around 2 and got home at 10, I moved stuff, played video games with friends, ate leftovers, and did laundry. Not a bad day. A little more work than I planned but not horrible. Today begins week two of four teaching. 8:30 - 4:30 today. Then going to dinner with biker boy. Hopefully that will be fun.

ANA Y1 D114

I got me some decent sleep for once. 6.5 hours. I had to take NyQuil again though. I can't shake this cold. I am still testing out negative so it is what it is. Maybe if I stop running around and coming home at 2 in the morning I would feel better. Hmm. Time to stay home for the night? Yes, yes it is. 

Yesterday felt too busy. I went to the pet store. I went here, I went there. I did stuff around the house. I setup a clothing rack for B to motivate them to get shit out of my basement. I ordered a new dresser for me for the bedroom. They did finally start doing some packing. Getting a little closer every day. They have 12 days to be out of my space. Not my house, just my space.

My highlight yesterday was getting my lashes done. I love them but I will not be doing this again. Too much upkeep, too much money. It's a nice treat, but not something I could handle doing regularly. Yes, I will put a pic at the end. The nails I can maintain, the lashes I cannot.

Went to the bar last night. Meh. I am getting tired of that space and the vibe. It's not filled with my kind of people sadly. Just not feeling it as we head into winter. It was fun in the summer though. I like hanging out with my friends, but that's as far as it goes. Maybe I would have felt better if it wasn't for this cold. Nothing planned for today thankfully. Just going to relax

ANA Y1 D113

My therapist is the best. I am so very grateful to have found her. She really gives me the right way to say things without starting a fight or cause trouble. I like that. Case in point, I was expressing yesterday my frustration at B's lack of progress with their office. Because until their office moves down here, both of us are split between two worlds. That also means they are spending way too much time upstairs talking on the damn phone with cgf. I needed the words to express why this is hurtful and how it makes me feel stuck that they haven't moved forward. My therapist helped me formulate the right words and last night after class before we both went out, B and I had a productive talk. As of right now, the large furniture is out of that office and now they can work on boxing up some of the smaller things. I expect this week to see some excellent progress. This is super important because once my office is moved upstairs, B can have this whole downstairs to themselves, I can have the upstairs and separate lives can begin. The goal is to be done with this by the end of the month. I think we can do it. We both are going to be spending time with others the weekend of October 6th. CGF is in town and B plans on staying with them at an Airbnb. I booked a hotel out of town and I plan to stay with, shit I need a name for her, um, how about NG for new girl? Yeah, let's go with that. NG and I are planning a weekend in Holland. I am going to drive there Friday afternoon, they will meet me, if all goes well, we spend the night together, putz around Holland all day saturday, then they go home, and I will go home Sunday morning. B is planning to be with CGF Thursday night through Monday night. This will be good for both of us. But so much of it hinges on us already being out of the same bed. We're so close. We also discussed how and why them talking on the phone hours a day is hurtful for me. They understood and said they would do better at making their conversations more private. This is all I can ask for right now.

While B and I are making progress, they are losing ground with old friends. Two of whom are flat out now *my* friends. No one asked anyone to 'choose sides' in all this, but it's happened naturally. They are not there for these people who have been with them for 15+ years. One I talked to on the phone last night who conveyed they're tired of this shit, the other I had dinner with last night and heard the same thing. I have been there more for them in the last few months than B and they are both tired of it. While I feel for B, I am happy to know I have friends available to me as I need them moving forward. Makes all of this easier for me to handle. When I start feeling dark two or three months from now, I know I will have local people to turn to for help. I know I have many of you always available to me, but you're not here. You're thousands of miles away and sometimes I need someone at 2am to just give me a hug. I will, no I DO, have that this time around. Gee, maybe this is why I haven't had to take a buspar in weeks or why my tinnitus hasn't flared up in days. Gosh. 

In other news, I had a good talk with a client/friend yesterday. Some of my clients over the years have definitely turned into friends. This one in particular is in PA and we had a nice chat yesterday. I told him everything that's been going on this summer with me, he in turn shared his upcoming divorce, his new girlfriend, how his side business is going, etc. Truly was two friends talking. He is going to be in Detroit soon for work and we will get together for drinks. I am looking forward to that. Nice to have a friend near enough that I can visit if I want to get out of town for any reason.

Taught my last formal day with group 1 from the Humane Society. Next week is an informal day with them, then four days with group 2. Oh yeah, two full weeks of teaching them. Then I teach Boeing for a week. Then Wright College. Then someone else. Welcome to the busy season.

Today is lash day!! Very excited for this. Then going out to the club with friends. Tomorrow I plan on doing nothing, but today is going to be fun!

ANA Y1 D112

So guess who is back to sleeping in 30 minute chunks? Why? Because you know who came back earlier than expected. I can't say as I blame them. They were asked to do more than they anticipated in regards to taking care of our friend's house. If it was just taking care of the house and dogs, this wouldn't be a problem. But our friend also decided to Airbnb their upstairs at the exact same time. They assumed B would be okay with staying there, taking care of the dogs, AND dealing with some stranger checking in to the house. PLUS as I have said before, those dogs are fucking a pain. They are too big, too untrained, and just exhausting. The final straw came last night when B was trying to talk them and they pulled so much it ripped the skin from B's hand. That's when they sent a polite text to our friend saying it was too much for them to handle and someone else needed to finish up for B. Well then turned into a phone call which turned into a devolved situation with people hanging up on each other and frankly, a pretty much end to their friendship. Me? Oh, I am over here on the sidelines just drinking my tea bitches. Like for real. I am living my own life. Me and my tinnitus which has been quiet for two days. But since B came home last night, there were lights on, tv watching, phone conversations being had - basically disruptions to my sleep which for two nights was peaceful and quiet. I need them out of this house or at least down in the basement. This shit needs to happen. 

I had a consultation yesterday morning with a speech pathologist. I am looking into some voice therapy. I don't know if this is going to be a good match though because of scheduling. I am going to see if I can make it work, but no promises. 

In general, I had a good day. Taught my group, then had a date. A real date. We went for Italian, spent like 2 hours talking, goodnight kiss sort of thing. I will be seeing her again. She lives a little far away from me, but that kind of works. Someone I can see maybe once or twice a month, we can live our own lives, spend time together, but not be attached at the hip. I can tell there is a mutual feeling because she took my hand at one point during dinner and there was a longer than needed pause before she let go. I dug that. Came home, B shared their drama, I said okay, watched TV and went to bed. 

Today is therapy, bills, and more teaching. Having dinner with a friend tonight and enjoying my bloody weekend. Speaking of the weekend, biker boy got jealous I went on a date. Oops. He was like "will you still make time for me?". I'm just over here going, well you know my schedule is pretty busy. He then was asking if I like pho and wants to take me to a place near his house. I responded with "well, are you asking me out on a real date?". He paused and said yes he was. Fine. I accept. I think we're going to go out Sunday. On Saturday I am getting lash extensions and am very excited about it. B has plans Saturday and Sunday and once again, don't expect to see them. Oh well. No crying over here bitches.

ANA Y1 D111

Had a rough night last night. Still suffering from some bad heartburn and indigestion. Had Indian food last night which, while really good at the time, is kicking my ass. I went to bed around 10:30 but was up from 12:30 until 1 in pain. Chewing tums like crazy. Woke up again at 2 with the same problem. Luckily I don't have any obligations until a little later in the morning. 

My ears have finally calmed down from Tuesday's show. I spent all day yesterday just annoyed because they were screaming at me. Old age sucks. You wonder why I say I will be alone for a while this time? Old people don't find new partners. We just kind of die off.

Taught, went out to dinner with my gf, then we went to target, had ice cream, and came home. For once she came to me instead of me spending the gas. I was grateful for that. One of these days soon her and I will be able to do things on like a weekend instead of just Wednesday nights. Soon. 

B was by the house a couple of times but otherwise I have no idea what they are doing. No anxiety or problem with that in my mind. Honestly. We're both being respectful at this point and not posting shit on social media that would upset the other. I know it's going to change in the future, but for now, it works. 

Another day of teaching, a voice therapy consultation at 9:30, and then a date at 5:30. I do plan on being home reasonably early though. Have therapy tomorrow morning and want to go to bed at a reasonable time. I am looking forward to sleeping in this weekend.

ANA Y1 D110

 I don't know what's going on with blogger today, but hopefully you can all read my post. Sorry.

Here's some pics and the link again.

https://photos.app.goo.gl/7TiVkUqcNDKXXwq2A

Here's my post in raw text too:

Sweet bejeebus what a show. I'm running on 5 hours of sleep but still elated from last night. I waited a long time for that show and was not disappointed one bit. I still have ringing in my ears, but that's okay. Plus the house is empty and will be empty for the remainder of the week. I'm okay with that. We even started talking about them spending nights with cgf when she comes and visits in October. It's all going to hinge on if we get these offices swapped and I can stop being in the basement. When I am not in the basement they can live down here and it can become their own space. This will help with the separation. It will bring us closer to being true roommates which will make everything go smoother in the long run. At least that's the hope. My goal is for them to be living down here during Oct/Nov, then by December we're truly living our own lives so in Jan/Feb they can move out and we can move on. In many ways I am ready for them to go. But also things last night were good. That's probably the last concert we will see together and I got to really take it in. I savored each moment. I took many pics (link at the end) and watched their face as they (and the rest of the audience) sang along to every song. That's a memory I will treasure for the remainder of my days. This is how you divorce people. With closure and celebration.

My cursor was being weird. I had to delete and start over. Odd.

Anyway yesterday overall - I taught in the morning. No issues there. Taught from 9-1. B left around 1 to go housesit. I went to Old Navy to find some black jeans to wear last night. I looked good. Felt good too. Broke a nail while trying on jeans. Hey they were really skinny, okay? Luckily my girl was able to fix it last minute. Got home, had some food, got ready for the show. Okay, it tried fucking up my cursor again so no more line breaks apparently. Whatever. B and her sister showed up around 5 and we headed out about 5:30. Got to the venue at 6. Ready for this? FIFTY DOLLARS for parking. You read that right. $50. But we were in the garage right next to the stadium and we got out in like 10 minutes. Still. Fifty fucking dollars. Rip off. They did one super smart thing and had a merch trailer outside the show to give us all something to do while waiting to go in. We got six shirts, 2 each. Love them and will wear them to death. Doors opened at 6:30 or so, grabbed some food, made our way to our seats. Two opening acts (never heard of either of them) then at 9:30 MCR hit the stage. 2 hours later crying and happy we all filed out. Dropped B's sister off, got home, then B left. I finally got into bed around 1 and fell asleep at 1:30. We shall see how this week goes for me. Curious myself to see my mental state.

ANA Y1 D109

After 2.5 years of waiting, tonight is MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE! I am very excited!! In part I am excited because well basically, it's about fucking time! The reschedule after reschedule has been super annoying. I am just happy it's finally happening! Row 11 seats. Many pics will be taken! Super excited even if it is a Tuesday. Plus B is leaving today to spend the next 5 days house sitting at our friend's house. This will be a wonderful trial run for me. Last time they did this we weren't communicating so it tripped me out and stressed me out. This time is different. This time we're in a good place. So go, have a blast. Live your life. I will definitely be living mine. I have shit to do pretty much every night. I will enjoy not having to worry about turning on lights or making noise. Oh yeah I need to look up new dishes and silverware today because I am letting B have the old shit. I also want to replace the shower curtain in the bathroom. Little touches to make it mine.

I taught Human Society yesterday. Decent group. Have four more days with this session then a second session next week. Plus I have Prudential today, Boeing in two weeks, state of ID, and some new group. I am booked through October. Tis that time of year where I work double time. Not complaining at all. Rather have that than the other bullshit.

After class went to my nail girl for a fill and for her to fix my hair. Had a great time chatting with her. Got back around 7, made B and me a grilled cheese, played some video games, watched some TV with B, went to bed around 10:30. I am very okay with boring days like yesterday. May I continue to have more of them.  

ANA Y1 D108

Yesterday was okay. It was a good 'trial run' of things in some ways. I didn't see B for more than two hours I would say max. First they went out to brunch, then went on a "drive", then spent the night on the phone. I got to spend the day alone. As I kind of wanted. It was a bit lonely, but I survived. I think the issue too was that being sick I didn't have the motivation or energy to see anyone. I got three invites to do things - two person wanted me to come over and hang out, another wanted to go bowling - but I chose to nap and play video games. Needed the recharge. I started playing a new game and ended up playing for over 4 hours. I took NyQuil before bed which helped also. I slept soundly through the night for once. Honestly I didn't do much yesterday. Leftovers were had for food, naps were taken, video games played. Oh, I did laundry. I guess that was the most exciting thing I did. I spent an hour talking with an old friend back in CA. Brought them up to speed on everything. No surprises or shocks from them. Like everyone to be honest, she saw this coming. Hell, we all did.

Teaching and nails are on the agenda for today. New group, teaching them 4 out of 5 days this week. 5  hour sessions each day. 12:00 - 5 which isn't horrible. I can wake up slowly, but still done at a reasonable time. I have a few of these sessions over the next few weeks. Between three different clients, I am teaching the next four weeks straight. Good. Make me feel useful. 

I would like to see B crack back down on schoolwork this week. They slacked towards the end of last week. But cgf starts their new job today which should help. Three 12 hour shifts per week. 8-8 is what B told me. Which means noon - midnight our time. This should be interesting. Plus, starting tomorrow B is supposed to housesit and be gone entirely until Saturday. Let's see how my brain handles it. I am really looking forward to getting my office upstairs and not being in the basement any more. It will make my mental state healthier and make this transition easier.

ANA Y1 D107

 I had a pretty decent day yesterday but it was painful. Really painful. I moved everything from the guest room down into the basement and set it all up for B. This is now their space downstairs:

Not too shabby, right? But it was the cold reality of it that hit me. They then spent the few hours awake where I saw them sitting on that bed talking to CGF. Once again making me feel like there is something wrong with me. Whatever. I am over it. I hope. 

What does the guest room look like now? Well, I spent the rest of my time getting it prepped to be my music/gaming/library room. Here's what I got accomplished:

I can't do any more because we need to store some of the stuff in B's office in there. Once they have a place for their shit, then I can finish moving the rest of mine. I can handle this temporarily. I hope. 

After all that, I went to my friends where we had a pizza and talked for like 3 hours. I stopped at the bar on the way home to see my friend's new car but they weren't there. I stayed for like 20 minutes and came home. Got home around 11:30. In bed by midnight.

Still feeling icky. Was going to go on a road trip today but am passing. Most of the stuff where I was headed is closed on Sunday. Not worth the time. Plus I need the rest. Need to get through this stupid cold. Might take a nap sooner rather than later. I teach every day next week, nails appt tomorrow, MCR on Tuesday, gf time Wednesday, a date on Thursday. Busy week ahead of me. I need the rest.

ANA Y1 D106

I slept in this morning. I had to most solid sleep I have had in quite a while. I slept from roughly midnight until 4:30 without waking up. 4.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Amazing. I then fell back to sleep for almost another 3 hours. Almost 8 hours of sleep!! Who is this person that does this? What is up with this? Crazy! I still feel poopy but the sleep helped for sure.

Did some work yesterday, Moved almost all of the furniture out of the guest room. The rest goes today. That will be my game room before the weekend is over. Then we can move shit out of the office. I will have them in the basement by the end of the month. That's my goal. I really want to start living as independent lives as possible come October or November. This way if they finish school in December and can move out in January, I will have had plenty of time to adjust. 

Took the cat to the vet yesterday. Possible thyroid problems. I will no more today. The doctor is calling me sometime this morning. I should know more in the next couple of hours. Hopefully it will be something minor. Can't take losing another one.

Last night went over to friend's house and helped install ceiling fans. Got two out of three done before I ran out of light. One more to go. Probably do it today some time. 

Got home around 10:30, had late night taco bell with B. After went off to bed while they went downstairs to talk on the phone. Works for me. Today they are hanging out with another of theirs, I am going off to biker boy's house for pizza and a movie. 

ANA Y1 D105

Sorry about yesterday's post. I was not doing well. I ended up going back to sleep for many hours. Here's the story; I have been fighting a low level cold all week. I have taken two COVID tests, both negative, so it is just an end of summer cold. Nothing fancy or crazy. I decided Wednesday night I wanted to really crash so B gave me an edible. Then they gave me a second because "these aren't very strong". Mind you, this is the same person who took 100mg last night and barely felt anything. Me, not knowing anything, said okay and took took. 40mg total. Add to that a shot of NyQuil and I was fucked up. Like BAD fucked up. I was just spinning and having a really bad trip. I ended up sleeping for like an hour because it was just rough. I got up yesterday normal time, said fuck this, because I was still high. Slept until almost 10. Even then I was still feeling lingering effects. So no, me and edibles don't mix. 

As for Wednesday itself, I got some shit accomplished. I finished a webinar that I will be delivering next month. Had REALLY good Caribbean food with gf. Like some of the top food I've had here. Very pleased with that. But otherwise it was a pretty mellow day. Just tried to take it easy.

Yesterday was the hangover from hell, but still managed to get some stuff done. We started moving the guest room down into the basement. Time to give B their own space. Until I move my office, there's no point in them sleeping down here, but at least they will have a private space at night where they can hang out, watch TV, talk to cgf, masturbate, etc. Plus it will help me start to separate. They had a moment yesterday where it hit them that they're giving up a nice house for an unknown. More than likely some apartment where they will have neighbors, and not be able to do anything, etc. They got sad about it. Oh well. This is all your decision babe, not mine. 

The best part though from yesterday for me was B shared some stuff. Apparently cgf is NOT into the whole poly thing ironically. They have asked B to be monogamous for a while. Waa-waa. B is bent about this as you might imagine. But wait, it gets better. They go tell smurf gf this news and oh no, I have caught feelings for you and was going to ask you to be exclusive with me. Oh no. No seriously. So now they've got one who doesn't want them to fuck, one who wants to only fuck them, and one who is a depressed crazy person. Should have just stuck with me eh? Would have been MUCH easier. Nope. You had to go and get all fancy. Sucks to be you.

Last night I picked a friend up at the mechanic, had dinner with him, then went to his apartment and watched Love and Thunder. It was okay. Too much going on for me. Came home, went to bed around 10:30 and slept until 5:30. I needed some solid sleep. Today I have therapy, a vet appointment, then helping another friend install some ceiling fans. Need to charge my Makita. I don't have a lot planned for the weekend either. Going to just take it easy.

ANA Y1 D104

 Edibles and me don't mix. More later.

ANA Y1 D103

I am ready for B to be gone. Honestly. Yesterday they had me questioning if something is wrong with me. First off, they saw or talked to ALL of their hoes yesterday. They spent like 5 hours with one, a 2 hour visit at midnight with the other, but then the big issue was MULTIPLE hours long phone calls with CGF. That's where my questioning started. Since CGF is now in Alaska, there's a 4 hour time difference. Yesterday she calls B at noon, so 8am her time. I try to be polite and excuse myself. Let them have space, right? I then decide 90 minutes later to go upstairs and realize I need something in the bedroom. I find them asleep, STILL ON THE PHONE like a fucking teenager. Apparently they told CGF they wanted a nap and CGF said leave the phone connected while I do errands! WTF? Who does that? How fucking creepy is that? You sleep while I shop and watch! Then when B wakes up, they stay on the phone for like another hour. But then, after getting home at 2am from blue smurf, they immediately get back on the phone with CGF until 3:30am. Are you kidding me? Grow the fuck up. You're 30 years old. I am so done with children. I really am.

Me, I worked on a new webinar, got it mostly complete. Finishing it up this morning then moving on to another. Went to group, got home around 11. That was my life. Basic, boring, and adult. I didn't sit at home like an old person, but I also didn't push myself and split my attention three different ways. Just done. Bye bye. Go now. What I need is for them to start packing up their office, get their shit out of there, paint it, and then I can move my shit in. Then we can move the guest room shit, and voila, they have their own space and I can stop caring even more. 

Oh, why was I questioning myself? Because it makes me wonder if I am not 'romantic' or 'cutesy' enough. Is there something wrong that I don't want to hang out with this many people in one day let alone one week? Am I weird for not wanting someone watch me sleep? Maybe. But I don't know, I guess I am okay with that? I really do expect to be alone for a while. I will keep my gf and possibly add a few more play toys, but otherwise, I need my space for a while. Indefinitely to be fair. I just don't need any of this drama. Focus on me and my life. Then I can just go and die somewhere.

ANA Y1 D102

I think I am catching a cold. Not COVID, just a normal stupid cold. Weather changing and all that shit. Plus I have been running my body ragged the last few weeks and it's catching up to me. I'll probably take some Nyquil before bed and see if that helps.

Yesterday turned out to be bleh. Neither of us felt like going to the fair to be honest. We ended up going to a cider mill with B's gf instead. It's still awkward trying to have them as my friend too, but I am getting there. As weird as that sounds. I need to keep doing shit like this to be able to lose all of my jealousy and possessiveness towards B. We are done in that way. Get over it. This is what I am telling myself at least. If I could just get my brain to believe it. We did have a little talk about things yesterday. Nothing major. Just about some of how this hard for me because I feel some days how they are acting like the last 9 years of our life didn't happen. It's hard to see them get excited to see someone the same way they used to get excited for me. But again, I was done with this relationship months ago. We all know it. It's here in writing. Go back to entries from this time last year and I was already pondering if it was time to stop. I've done my crying and my complaining. At this point, I just am ready to move forward. They need to finish their certification, get a job, and go. Sigh. Soon enough.

Documentation week ahead of me. Joy. Luckily it's already tuesday which means group tonight. Get out of the house. GF on Wednesday, helping a friend with installing fans on Thursday. No plans for the weekend yet. Yes, have to think that far ahead or I will go insane.

ANA Y1 D101

Another day without having to take meds. Another day without having to pop pills. Another day without a tinnitus flareup. That's a big one. Progress kids, progress. Once again, saw B for 20 minutes or so all day. It was a good 20 minutes though to be honest. We have even moved to a point of cheek kisses. It came unexpectedly from them too. We're getting there. We can be friends is what I am seeing. This is good. Even the friend I went to the mall with yesterday commented in the car how he could feel the shift in the dynamic between us. He was surprised at how light things felt in the house compared to when he last saw us together. 

Yesterday as planned, I went to the mall with my friend. While I was gone, B started packing up their pins for sale. They decided to sell of their HP pins for two reasons. First, fuck JK Rowling. But more importantly, they knew they had some solid pins. As a result, they got $3500 for them all. Yep. Talk about a nice little starting nest egg for B. I convinced them to put $500 towards debt, the rest in savings. Did I tell you all about this already? I honestly can't remember. Regardless, the process a taking all the pins down, securing the backs, wrapping them, etc, took B all day. I got home around 3pm and they were just finishing up. We went and got them some more packing material, and they are ready to ship! Woo! 

At the mall, I got some new shoes for fall as well as some really cool Peanuts Converse. I love them. Otherwise, not much else going on. It was just nice to be out of the house. Spent time with my friend and didn't worry about what else was going on. B went out to the gf's house around 4:30 to study. I had some leftovers for dinner, then went and hung out at my friend's place. We had root beer floats and watched American Horror Stories. I should point out that when we moved here and for the last 15 years, this has been B's friend primarily. Over the last 2 months though, things have shifted. Since B doesn't have time to talk to people, he is slowing becoming my friend primarily. Oops. Sorry about that. I got home around 10 and B got home shortly after. I went to bed around 11. Around 11:30 B came in and told me that gf was coming over because they got into a big fight with their parents and had to get out. They ended up staying until 2am. What happened? Well, apparently having B over so much is causing people to be annoyed because the parents want to go to bed at an earlier time and B being there is in the way and the noise and the this and the that. Kind of bullshit if you ask me. However, this is where I scratch my head. You're 38 years old. You have a 10 year old kid. You're a blue haired gig worker living in your parent's house. WTF? Not really the best of situations if you ask me. I don't get how these people function. Maybe because I have never been in a place where I had family to turn to? I don't know. I just don't get it. I have never asked B about the gf's past, but now I am curious. Where's the kid's dad? Were they married? What happened? I need to know.

We're supposed to go to the fair today. I know B is going to be pissy when I wake them up at 10:30 as planned. Tough. I didn't tell you to stay up until 3am listening to other people's problems. I plan on enjoying myself. Running into people I know, hanging out, having a corn dog and funnel cake. I'm going to enjoy my day one way or another.

ANA Y1 D100

Told you I wouldn't see B yesterday. They went out at 8:45am and I didn't get home until 1am. They were not surprisingly already in bed and almost asleep. They had a long day which again didn't come as a shock. I accomplished a lot myself. Didn't do all that much, but got some stuff done. I found myself slipping into old behavior last night and need to watch that. The universe at one point helped. More in a second.

After B left in the morning I started my projects. I got three ceiling fans installed. One in each of the upstairs bedrooms. I am very happy with how they came out. I managed to get one done, then headed to my hair appointment. Not happy with my new stylist. Plus my new pieces aren't arriving until October. Also not cool. My normal girl is going to fix everything though. She promised. I am ordering the tape and stuff she needs this week. She will fix me. 

Got back home, finished the other two fans. Made a steak for dinner and headed out. Was at the bar from around 8:30 until a little after midnight. Brought a friend so had to drive them home first. Hence, not getting home until 1am. While I was there I ordered three drinks. I didn't want the 3rd and was really regretting it. I am also paying for it this morning. I had about half of it left when the table I was at got bumped and it spilled. Good. I didn't need it anyway. 

Went to bed around 2. Slept in until 7:30. Heading to the mall at 10:30 with a friend today. B is supposedly either doing schoolwork or hanging out with friends. Don't know which, don't care. Just trying to live my own life.

ANA Y1 D99

Technically it's day 112. I just counted. 112 days. Fucking bizarre.

Yesterday was a good day. Didn't quite go as planned, but that's okay. I also would like to point out it is eerily quiet right now in this house. With us being down one tank, there is less noise coming from the basement, But more importantly, my head is quiet. I haven't had a flare up in over 24 hours. It's silent up there which is amazing. Why? Because I am good. I am not caring. No, not in an I've given up sort of way. This isn't depression not caring, this is I've got my own stuff going on, I'm moving forward, I see a future sort of way. I'm making steps towards my own future. That's still very scary and I don't know what kind of future I am going to have, but it's steps. Apparently this is good enough for my brain because it's not triggering the damaged parts of me and causing my ears to scream. This is progress.

Anyway, I went to therapy yesterday morning. Had a really good session. My therapist is also proud of me and happy with where I am. Haven't had to take a buspar in two days either. Didn't spend the entire session yelling or breaking down. Nope. I am good. Now, I did share with her the validation I received yesterday. That was met with no shock or surprise. They too were happy to see that things I have been complaining about are happening to other people. This was clear all day too when our, now more my, friend spent the day messaging me. The best part was when B and I were in the same room unknown to him. He was messaging both of us, but what I was getting was detailed messages and what B was getting was polite yes short messages. I smiled at that.

After therapy I had a good marketing meeting where we planned out some new webinars in October and December. Dear god, we're planning out December already? Wow. Crazy. But here we are looking at 2023 stuff too. Insane. This month starting on the 12th, I am teaching for two weeks straight. Back into busy season. That makes me happy too. When my meeting was done, I had some food, and did a little more work. B headed out around 11:30am and they were going chiropractor, a friend's house, and who knows what else. I honestly didn't expect to see them until very late if at all. Imagine my surprise when they were back home around 5:30 and stayed home. Shocking. Threw my plans off, but it's okay. 

I took a nap and when I got up I went out to get ceiling fans. Now have three new ceiling fans to install this weekend. Probably get two of them done today. At the very least one. Goal would be all three, but I am trying to be realistic. It will take about an hour per each one so if I can get two done I will be happy. B brought home boxes yesterday which means I can start packing some stuff up, like the light fixtures. I would also like to see them start packing up their office to allow me to move into that room. But as I discussed with my therapist, it's been 100 days. Slow down. No rush. Plenty of time ahead of me.

We did manage to get the old fridge out of the garage. Sold it for $250 to our other friend who is going through a divorce. He was telling us some horror stories and we both promised to not be like that ever. There was one more almost pathetic moments yesterday. CGF called B and was weepy again. They are so emotional it's not even funny. Way more than I would have ever thought. Maybe that's what B likes about them? I don't know. I can see that getting annoying over time. Ordered myself Persian food for dinner and unfortunately didn't know B was going to be here so got enough for myself. Whoops. Figure out your own situation. They got some good news. Like me, they are trying to get rid of stuff. They decided to sell their pins we've bought over the years. They found a collector and got offered $3500 for the whole collection. A low ball price for sure, but it's money for B and they need it. We agreed to put $500 on their credit card, the rest into their savings. A good head start for them. I should make them use it all on debt, but playing nice for now.

Since they were home, I let them watch TV with me but also didn't care if they were on their phone the whole time. I wasn't going to have my plans thrown off. We did have to go over to our other friend's house because we were worried about them. They had a rough day and when they wouldn't answer the phone it freaked us out. Luckily they were just so tired they had crashed at 7pm. I need to check on them today.

Speaking of today, I have a hair appointment at 12:30 with a new stylist. Not happy about that. Then heading to the club around 8pm. B is heading to that memorial around 9 and won't be home until late. Wouldn't want to trade places with them today. You have fun comforting your lesbian. No thanks. I will go dance and have a good time. Let the holiday weekend begin.

ANA Y1 D98

Been up a while but it's payday hence it's bill day. Took care of business first and foremost because that's what I do. It is going to be so much easier without B. I know that sounds so mean, but it's true. Thousands per month will be saved. I can actually start putting more money away. I am not going to end up in a spiral like I did last time. I will spend more nights at home. Some of them will be alone, but that's okay. Take tonight for example. I have had a busy fucking week and I plan on making tonight a self care night. Nice bath, order in some dinner, catch up on TV, go to bed at a decent time. I know, crazy right? I might go pick up the ceiling fans I want later, but that's about it. I have a busy weekend especially since it's a holiday, so I need to refresh my strength tonight. But in the future I will find a schedule that works for me. Given my current calendar, Tuesdays and probably Thursdays will be guaranteed nights out for me. Both involve social activities of a nature. One group, one partner stuff. Such as last night.

I did have a good time last night. Got me in some physical touch with the gf. Much needed time together. Sex is getting weirder and weirder thanks to the hormones, but it is what it is. It was just nice to get some physical touch. We were together for about 2.5 hours. A reasonable amount of time. I got home at about 10:30. B wasn't home and I didn't expect them until much later, but I was surprised when they came in around 11pm. They of course didn't go to bed until 2:30. I have come to realize they are now calling CGF every night but they have to wait until around midnight because of time changes. But it will be interesting to see if this curtails other activities so they can make sure they are home to call CGF.

Something validating did happen last night. B sent me a screenshot of a conversation between them and a mutual friend. Said friend has been lamenting to me how they feel B has pulled away, is not present, it's the same one we went roller skating with and he expressed these feelings. Well, he tried to call B last night and they didn't answer. He messaged and was like hey I need to talk, feeling down. B snapped at him. Why? Because they were too busy with their blue haired smurf to be bothered. B asked me later about it and I was like, I have no opinion. Staying out of this one kids. I called the friend on my way home from gfs and him and I talked for about 30 minutes. Basically I explained to him that this is how the last two months of my life has been. Say or do something innocent and get jumped on. Try and interrupt their playtime and get yelled at. It was nice to see someone else experiencing the same shit. This is the second of B's friends who has said to me that they see the friendship being destroyed. One of them doesn't see it recovering. This would be the one I went to NC with in July.

Speaking of NC, I have been chatting with a new girl. We were talking about last places traveled and they also recently went to NC. Just a random coincidence. This girl lives a bit away from me, but it wouldn't be a bad booty call to keep on speed dial. They will be in this area on the 15th and we're going out then. If we hit it off, so be it. If not, new friend. On that front, I had lunch with a new friend yesterday. Someone I think I can hang out with on occasion. We had simple lunch and nice talk. They're closer to my age and it was nice talking with another adult. Too many children around me lately.

Therapy soon, then a meeting, then nothing. May go pick up ceiling fans tonight to have them ready for the weekend project. I am replacing the light fixtures in all three rooms to make me feel more "my house". B is getting boxes tonight which will start freeing up the office for me to move in. Get the guest room cleared out and move them in to the basement. Bye bye baby.

ANA Y1 D97

Yesterday, specifically last night, was the day I have been waiting for to happen. Waiting for the shoe to drop if you will. It's been a week since shit went down and I knew it would only be a matter of time before B started pushing things. Specifically one thing they said I knew was coming. I worked on my stuff all day and they went over to gf's to study. All expected and good so far. We went out last night to the club to support our friend who was competing in the drag finals. I knew they would try and invite the gf. I just fucking knew it. Ready for it. As if on script, before they got home, they messaged me saying they did exactly that. Look people, I have been watching trends and patterns in data for 25 years. Very little comes as a shock to me. The easiest thing to predict is human fucking behavior. When they got home they asked if I saw the message. Of course I saw the message. That led into a brief yet serious discussion. I said sure, but I am not mentally ready for them to be showing any PDA in public yet. That set them off. "I can't tell anyone." "I worry you think the marriage can be saved." Things like this and a half dozen other things. Sorry, no. This has nothing to do with it. I need to come to terms with things. That's what this is about. Slow the fuck down for five minutes. Look, I get it. I have waited my entire life to transition and I wish everything could happen all at once. But it doesn't. If you want to rush me, if you want to push me, then all deals are off. I need to slow down a little. I am trying to just get used to hanging out with you and your gf to make sure we can do this whole friend thing. This is brand new ground for me. I am so used to just BAM it's over. I want this to work. I explained to them my whole closure thing. I explained to them the whole "last" thing. They got it. Not 100% happy, but again, they see that I am not trying to control them but instead protect my mental health. It's a tenuous truce if you will, but a truce was had. They also talked about something they have come to learn in therapy. Most people would assume that B had some kind of parental, specifically daddy, issues marrying me. Nope. It was their godfather who was murdered. Outspoken, eccentric, full of life, kind, energetic - words they would have used to describe both of us. They were very close to him and when they lost that person in their life it left a big hole. A hole for me to fill. An interesting and not out of the blue take. They have often spoke fondly of him and how empty they felt losing him in their teenage years. I came along at just the right time when they were still grieving him. But it's good to hear these things out loud. 

We did go to the club with the gf and I was okay. There were a couple of little moments but overall, I was able to hang out with both of them and not feel the anxiety I am feeling now writing about it in retrospect. One of these days I will stop overthinking things in the morning hours. Oh speaking of morning hours, we didn't get home until 2 something, in bed at 2:30, up at 6:30. I am running on very little sleep right now. But I will survive. It's what I do. 

I did do something for me yesterday. Went and got a new piercing. Got my septum pierced. I like it. Got a 16 gauge CBR. It's subtle and small and I like it. We got on the topic of piercings last night and B was saying they are considering nipple piercings. I really just kind of had to shake my head. That's one I don't find attractive. This is what I am talking about though. Just as I am changing into someone that doesn't work for them, the same is true in reverse. Two things I don't like - tongue and nipple piercings. I think they look trashy. Sorry, I do. My preference and I am allowed to have it. But it just shows that even if things weren't happening the way they are, we were moving down different paths regardless. It's okay. We're getting ahead of it too. By doing it our way we aren't devolving. Yesterday showed there will be bumps, but we did alright compared to a lot of other people. We will get there in one piece. I am sure of it.

More work today, then lunch with new friend, then sex. Yay sex!