Y4 D221

New Years Eve 2012. Last day of the year. Don't worry - I won't be doing some sappy end of year review bullshit. There's plenty of other sites out there happy to accomodate that for you. No, it's just another Monday in this house. Why? Because do we really think next year is going to be any different? Will any amount of rumination on the last year be of any benefit? Same shit, different year.

The kid felt better yesterday and I made her get up and start in on her room. I did let the kid relax and watch two more movies yesterday. She watched one in the morning and one at night. She didn't have the same amount of junk I did, but she still managed to have an entire garbage bag of stuff herself to be thrown away. I finally finished the last part of my cleaning - the final coat closet. I do feel I am going into the new year with a little less baggage which helps. I started the new puzzle I got for Christmas yesterday. I really do enjoy puzzles. Stupid, I know, but they help zen me out. I can focus and ignore everything else. Other than doing the puzzle, I really didn't do a whole lot yesterday. I am trying to think about what I did and it's pretty blank. I played Diablo. I did my puzzle. I went to the grocery store for some stuff for dinner. That's about it I guess. See? 2012 was boring as shit, 2013 is going to be boring as shit.

Y4 D220

Yesterday for me was an extremely productive day. For the kid, not so much. She didn't move off the couch except to puke and poop. And she did a lot of both. She called in sick to work too which is the first time she has eve done that. I kept her loaded up with Disney movies, lemon chicken soup, dayquil, ginger ale, and theraflu. She feels better this morning.

While she was being a sicky head, I hung shelves, cleaned house, and then did the big one - my room. I tore up my closet, rearranged furniture, got rid of that giant steamer trunk, and put a small table in there so now I can use my laptop in my room. One more step at separating work life from private life. Plus my room looks much less crowded now. I also went through stuff in my nightstand and filled yet another garbage bag. All in all, in the last week I have thrown out now 8 garbage bags of stuff from this house.

The past shall not own me. Clean and clear for 2013. This is the last Sunday of 2012. Amazing I made it through. Not everyone I know did though. I found out yesterday someone I know on tumblr killed themselves on 12/24. On the surface she seemed like another one of those drama queens saying how much they want to die but you could tell that below the surface it was real. She ended her life with a bottle of pills while all alone. Her family found her late Christmas Eve. That is such a shame. She was very young and truly did have her whole life in front of her. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have an outlet. If I were her parents right now I would be wondering everything I had done wrong. Because someone her age doesn't kill themselves when they have people who listen. She had no one to listen. No one of authority. Sometimes people need that. Especially young people. They need to be told what to do. This poor girl made some bad choices and no one stopped her. It's a shame.

And yet I live on. Am I stronger? Smarter? Who knows. But that's also why I didn't mind spending the day taking care of my kid. Mine is still here and I treasure that.

Y4 D219

People often wonder what it means to be an adult and what it means to be a parent. Let me tell you - it means when you wake up hung over and feel like shit, if your kid is having an issue you push it back and you deal. That would be me this morning. I woke up at 8:30 to find the kid on the couch with a fever of 100 and puke covered blankets and towels in the bathroom. Okay, time to take care of things. Be the adult. Get her situated. That's what I just finished doing.

Yesterday was a LONG busy day. I took the kid to work at nine then went to Ikea. I bought new shelves for Disney stuff. That was followed by Home Depot for show stuff. Then I headed down to my friend's place. We went to a local store that was having a sale on some stuff we both were looking at. Went back to their house and made sangria for a party later that night. Came home and started doing stuff around the house. Started to run a network cable into the kid's room. Realized I was out of little clips things to keep it mounted against the wall. Back to home depot. Oh and look, I am out of toilet paper. Sigh. Target and Home Depot. Picked the kid up at work and then came home to do more stuff. Ran her cable, made little pies, and got ready to go a party.

Got to the party at about 7:15 and left at 1:30. Had a good time. Got a little drunk but still made it home. I let my mouth run a little too much, but it was needed. I needed to let it out a bit. I didn't do anything too bad so I am okay with everything. Plus it was a small group of people which made it easier for me. I knew that I couldn't get into too much trouble given the size.

Now today is house cleaning day. I have the kid situated on the couch with a movie, toast, and tea. She is good to go.

Y4 D218

Kind of broke down when I went to bed last night. I think it was just the day catching up to me. A flood of emotions came over me when I finally got into bed around 12:30. Very sad all of a sudden and found myself crying for a few minutes. I do think it was just a wave of emotion coupled with exhaustion.

Allow me to elaborate. I slept in yesterday until about 7:30. That in of itself felt good. Let me say, I had a good day yesterday, just a bit overwhelming. Anyway, I started in on my cleaning project. Some people like to do spring cleaning, I wanted to do an end of year cleaning. Also for at least two years I have been putting off going through both of my hall closets because I knew it would be a major task. It was. I started in by emptying them out and organizing books, DVDs, music, and games. The easy stuff. At that point I drove the kid to the train station as she was spending the day with NBF. I got back about 12:30 and kept on going. Around 2 a friend came over to pick up the white leather couch I had. I have been wanting to get rid of it, but didn't want to charge someone for it, nor did I want it going in the trash. My friends just moved into a new apartment and this was the perfect transition for the couch. It is going to good people and I was able to give them a gift. Everyone wins. That helped me because now I can move forward with my plan of rearranging my room. I was able to get a chair in my room out and now have room for a small desk or table in my room. Back to the closets. The hardest part and the part I had been avoiding was going through all the boxes of 'memories'. I finally did it. I threw out 15 year old 'Happy Wedding Day' cards, old pictures, old greeting cards, old memories. Flush the past right away finally. Learn to swim. I didn't have any real emotion while I was doing it either. It just didn't do anything to me to see all these pics of X2 and her family or the souvenirs from past place. That was then, time to move forward. But it was a long process. I then started in on boxes that were in the kid's closet and mine. Same thing, time to through shit away. I ended up with six green bags of stuff when all was said and done. Old cables, boxes for devices I no longer have, CDs for computer programs that were 15-20 years old. Gone. I finished around 11 right about when the kid and NBF came home. I was very wound up unfortunately for them. I was hoping to be more relaxed when they got home and possibly already in bed, but I didn't even realize what time it was. Hence why I didn't get to bed until 12:30. I was just too up. I finally relaxed enough to get in bed but that's when the day hit me. It was just like woosh. All of the memories not just of X2, but my entire life and even TXGF came rushing at me and I just lost it for a few minutes. I am okay now, but it's hard to have your whole life thrust at you at once like that. Makes you think about everything.

Upside is my house is one step closer to being organized and clean. Really it's the organized part I am focused on. I want space. I want to clear out the past and the clutter. Open myself up for tomorrow and stop living in yesterday. I got one step nearer to that goal.

Now today I am taking a break from everything. I am taking the kid to work, then picking up a friend and we are going shopping. Then since they are about 20 miles away, I am going back to their house. We are having a holiday/birthday get together for a mutual friend at their place at 7, so it just makes sense to hang out with them during the day then drive back and forth. The kid is going to take the train down when she gets of work and we are going to have a fun night. I am bringing over my little chocolate fountain and pie maker. I need a break from being in the house. I am also picking up shelves for my Disney gifts and a small desk/table for my room. This way I can spend tomorrow finalizing all the cleaning.

I have to admit, overall I feel good. I feel like I lifted a burden. The more and more I move forward on these types of things, the more I let myself be free of things weighing me down to the past. I am able to love myself more and this opens me up for really having a good relationship in the future. I once wrote in here that by 2015 I should have my shit together. At the time that seemed so far. Now it's just two years. I can make it two years because I do feel still on track to that.

Y4 D217

The universe is trying to mess with me. I am like hey I am doing okay and the universe decides, heh, let's throw him a curveball. Nothing major, but enough to fuck with his mood. Okay, universe, let's do this. Let me show you what my support group looks like.

I worked all day yesterday up until about 4. I got everything done that I needed to and now am off today and tomorrow. Yay! House prepared to be cleaned!

The kid needed to go to work at 4:30 and the car wouldn't start. Dead battery. Not completely dead though. But dead enough. She ended up walking and then I spent the next 20 minutes on the phone trying to find someone with jumper cables. FML. Finally had to call my friends that I didn't want to call Not because I didn't want to see them or anything - just the opposite. I knew they would be able to help, but I felt guilty because they live 20 miles away and it was 5:00pm on a Wednesday. I felt like a heel. But they came and we got it jumped. We noticed there was some corrosion on the terminals and one was loose. We think the recent weather didn't do any favors either. I am going to go out there this morning and clean them off which should help the situation. Took care of that, then I bought them dinner for driving down. We left the car at the kid's work and I stayed up until midnight to make sure she got home okay.

It was nice seeing them and I appreciate their help. Makes me feel loved. After they left I spent the rest of the night cleaning my bathroom. That's one room down. Today is the closets. I am also getting rid of the small white leather couch today hopefully. Some friends are moving into their own place together this weekend. I am very happy for them. I have talked about them here before and they have suffered through a ton of shit, from her suicide attempts to his confused sexuality, but you know what? If they are happy then fuck it. Let them be happy and here's a couch dammit. I need to call them and see if they are coming by today.

Going to a party tomorrow night after running errands. Today the kid is spending it with NBF <- all...="all..." am="am" and="and" boyfriend="boyfriend" closets="closets" empty="empty" for="for" going="going" i="i" memories="memories" new="new" of="of" old="old" once="once" out="out" p="p" purge="purge" shit.="shit." the="the" throw="throw" time="time" to="to" yesterday="yesterday">

Y4 D216

The aftermath. Breathe... Ah. Christmas over. Now to get through New Year and we will have made it. Survived another one. Apocalypse and all.

Had a really good day yesterday. Got the kid up around 8 and we made present opening last for 2 hours. We relaxed opened our gifts, had cinnamon rolls, and laughed. I wish I had someone to share it with like last year, but I still had a good time. She headed over to her grandmother's at around 1 and I took a much needed nap. When she got home we played one of our gifts - Epic Mickey 2. That was fun. Then off to the traditional Chinese food dinner. We are boring but who cares.

I would say that the only damper on yesterday was me thinking about last year and having XTGF here to share it. I miss that aspect of it. But you know it is what it is.

Ripped some of the new DVDs I got for Christmas (2 from myself and one from the kid) and cleaned the house a little. Today I am going to work until I get this stupid cube I am working on complete and then hopefully be able to take the rest of the week off. I will work as long as needed today. I would rather work 12-14 hours today and get a couple days off then stress out the rest of the week. I may not be smart enough to get it all done though. I am hitting some snags that may require additional assistance. But if that's the case, fine, I will at least have done all I can do.

Heard from a number of people yesterday wishing me a merry christmas. Probably about 15-20 total which felt really nice. Helped to keep my mood elevated. I also have a party on Friday to look forward to which is helping. Then the nice part is no show until Monday. Nothing this weekend. That will be fun. I really do want to get this house cleaned and organized this week.

We also have planned our next Disney trip - Jan 18th. I was supposed to be out of town starting on the sixth but that hasn't been confirmed yet. I am hoping I can hold off on going anywhere cold but you know how that goes.

Huh. I just realized, I am still doing okay. Nothing I have written today is really sad or depressing. Nor is it manic or stressed out. Not bad old man, not bad.

Y4 D215

MERRY CHRISTMAS BITCHES!

Man that never gets old. Stupid, yes, old, no. So today is Christmas. YAY!

Yesterday however was a fuckfest. The kid was getting home as I was getting up. I settled in to do some work and got frustrated as hell. What should have taken a few hours ended up taking all day and I am still not done. Issues with the data not lining up. Which means more work tomorrow. Fuck me. On top of it, the kid's laptop decided to finally take a shit. Nice. It couldn't do it last week when there was still budget left and I was buying Christmas presents. No it does it on Christmas Eve. Luckily I had an old one she can use until we can get a more permanent solution. The only problem with the old one is that the wireless is dead on it so she has to use it in the front room plugged directly into the router. Whatever. But I definitely didn't need the aggravation while I was dealing with work shit at the same time. Made for a frustrating day.

Around 4 things got better. We went to sushi then the grocery store to make sure we had everything we needed in the house today. Then we watched Christmas shows - Grinch, Charlie Brown, and Always Sunny. Today we watch Die Hard because it's a goddamn Christmas movie. Come to the coast, have a few laughs...

I am doing pretty good right now. I am staying on the good side of silly without slipping over into annoying or stupid. Right on the edge, but I am trying my best. I am trying not to be a both to people but still have contact. I can do this. I know I can.

Y4 D214

Been up for a while talking to the kid. She didn't get home until 6:30. From 10pm. A full graveyard shift. She doesn't mind though because now she can sleep and will only have a few hours until Christmas. Plus she is racking up some serious hours which will help her out in January. Me, I am up because I have to work. Worked yesterday too for a few hours. That's less PTO time I need to use this week so it isn't all bad.

Didn't do much yesterday. Went to the store to pick up a couple of things and was surprised at how dead it was. I just went to CVS but it was pretty empty. I am sure the mall was packed but there was no way I was going to go there. Stopped at the grocery store which was a little more crowded but still not horrible.

Came back home and she got up around 12:30. I made us a brunch of grilled cheese, soup, cheese, and fruit. Made more of that sangria too. It's pretty damn tasty. We sat around eating and watching Labyrinth. That was fun. I then played some Diablo and then worked. Didn't really eat dinner because she had to go out again. Heated up leftovers around 8.

I just have to get through today and it will be Christmas and I will have six days off. Damn.

Y4 D213

I braved the outside world yesterday. Ugh. I hate going out this time of year. So many rookies and idiots who are normally not out. I went out about 9ish because I needed a new hard drive and kitty litter. Yes, needed. Yesterday I was looking at one of the TV shows I have and I was thinking I know I have two more seasons of this show. So I pulled out my small portable drive (500gb) that I take with me on the road. Yep, there were the two missing seasons. AND 173 other movies I hadn't copied over because I didn't have the room. Dammit. Okay, time to cave in and buy a new drive. I had been procrastinating the kitty litter because I knew the cat could go a couple more days but now I had more of a reason. I was down to almost nothing on the one drive and this played my hand and sent me out into the world. I got a new 3TB for $120. Ridiculous. I am still moving things to it of course. Things like this don't happen instantly. Plus I am finding some of the files I have ripped are corrupt and will need to be done over. No big deal more just annoyance than anything else. I now have six terabytes on one machine. Insanity. I know for some that's nothing but the thought of having that much drive space 10 or 15 years ago would have been unheard of.

Got the drive and kitty litter and came back home. Hung out around the house for the rest of the day unti it was time to meet my director. She wanted to go over the NYE show and since she was going to be in the neighborhood I agreed to meet her at 6. We had a nice chat. It wasn't horrible or anything crazy. I got back home around 7. The kid had to work from 10-4am so I decided to go with her to the mall and see if there were any last minute presents. Ended up getting us both new sweaters for $15 each and a sweatshirt for her. Nothing crazy but it added to the pile. She went to work at ten and I walked home. That was actually nice. Being out at night alone. I got home around 10:30 and stayed up until about 12 copying more files.

All in all a pretty decent day. Social contact, outside, people drove me nuts, but whatever. Today I am going to work so I can have w-f off without guilt.

Y4 D212

My company, well technically my boss, pissed me off again yesterday. He did it to me again. 3pm on a Friday he drops shit on me. I am sorry if your idea of normal working hours and mine are different. I am sorry that because you are going out of town next week you think everything has to be done NOW. I ended up working until about 6 last night from early in the morning. I will probably end up working tomorrow too now in order to still take next week off. Asshat.

That was my day yesterday. Work. I know, stop complaining. Well fine.

Kid worked all day, came home. I made us a cranberry sangria and roasted chestnuts as a dessert last night. I am not a big sangria fan, but I have to admit, this turned out pretty good. Using decent wine is key. Most places use their shitty wine or wine they want to get rid of and it makes for crappy sangria. I also made a nice pasta dish for dinner. We ended up watching Shrek at like 10pm because we both were in the mood for something silly. Can you believe that movie is 12 years old now? Still funny. Parfaits. Who doesn't like a good parfait?

I sent out an email to about 10 people yesterday explaining to them why I have been in avoidance mode. I think it helped not only them, but me too. It helped me dump some of my feelings even more than I do here. Plus it gets everyone off my back. I really don't want to go out in public especially this time of year. One of my friends stopped by after work yesterday to pick up her Christmas present and it took her 25 minutes to go 2 miles. Yeah, I don't need to leave the house that much. Happy right here thank you very much. Of course today I have to go out to get kitty litter and I am already dreading it. But it's needed.

Things are slowly getting better. I am not depressed right now. No, it's more working on keeping the other side in check. I am doing okay with that so far. Not letting in the crazy. Keeping it cool. Almost Christmas...

Y4 D211

Had another dream last night about a woman. This one was probably the most boring dream a guy could have about a woman. We were walking. And holding hands. Yeah, real exciting stuff. Tells you what my subconscious wants though, doesn't it? Normal guys have sex dreams. I have dreams about holding someone's hand. Look out, excitement overload here.

As to yesterday's issue with my sister - she did in fact almost die yesterday. That would have really fucked things up eh? Brother dies at thanksgiving, sister dies at Christmas? Nope. There's nothing wrong with me now...

They discovered a leak in their roof the other day and when she went up to put some pots under the leak until a contractor could come she discovered that she is allergic to their insulation. Severely allergic. Like airwaves collapsing anaphylactic shock allergic. Nine hours in the ER getting pumped full of steroids and adrenaline allergic. It was scary shit, but luckily she is okay. Good. One, I get to die next and two you can only die on a Tuesday. You know the fucking rules.

Worked all day yesterday on the new training guide. Got very frustrated though. I am finding it's a LOT of information. As I dig into one topic another topic weaves its way in. I am looking at a two and half to three day class. And I need to get this done by Monday. Today is a heads down do not disturb kind of day. I want to have it at least 60% complete by the end of today so people can start reviewing it over the weekend. I may hold it until Monday and deliver it then. That way people can review it next week.

The kid had a moment of crisis yesterday. Yesterday was her first 'free' day - no finals, no work, time to hang out with the new boy. But alas her work called her around 2 asking if she could work 7-12. She wanted to say no but I have raised her right and she knew saying no would be wrong in terms of some extra cash AND that she already turned down a shift on Wednesday. She said yes and then proceeded to melt down about it. But it really wasn't work that melted her down. It was everything. I worry sometimes that I have passed my depression genes along to her. I truly hope not. We had a long talk about her work, her college plans, her future, etc. The bottom line is I reminded her that I am not going anywhere. She has a roof over her head and food in the fridge as long as she needs. Plus that she is a good person and that she is still only 19. She needs to focus on that. She is just a kid. Yes, I know this is hypocritical coming from the guy who was at one point dating someone that old. But I never stood in her way to do what she wanted just as I will never stand in the kid's way to do what she wants to do and needs to do. Apparently I just want someone to hold hands with...

Her guy came over around 3:30 and he wasn't feeling well anyway and in the end it all worked out. I ordered them a pizza and while I worked, they played scrabble and some other games until she had to leave for work. I finished up around 6ish and then played some Diablo before going off to bed around 9:30. Seriously can my life be anymore exciting?

I still don't want to leave the house. I still don't want to be around people. My director texted me yesterday. I have to meet her and her husband before the 31st to go over the show. I don't want to really be in public, but I agreed to meet them saturday while she is getting more tattoo work done. This way it's a public place and I don't have to talk about the shit going on in my head. Just the facts ma'am.

Time for heads down work.

Y4 D210

Woke up this morning to a text from my sister. Apparently last night she was in the hospital and almost die?!?! Need to talk to her to find out what the hell happened. She better be okay.

Another uneventful day for me. Worked on some stuff. Kid and I went and did some Christmas shopping. Not for us for once. For her brother, her new BF, and well yeah, since we were at a toy store a couple things ended up in the cart for us. Oops. Hey it happens.

We finished Firefly last night. And as we were finishing her boytoy (the old one) came over. They ended up going out to sushi where she told him that their playtime was over now that she had someone stable in her life. Buh-bye boytoy. It was fun while it lasted. They are still trying to be friends though. So we all watched Serenity. Hey, if she is done with Firefly it was the perfect time to watch Serenity. Now her Joss Whedon experience is almost complete. Just Dollhouse and we are done.

That's about it. They brought me back sushi. Laundry is done. I have two more days and then I am off for a buttload of time. I still have to do some stuff on Monday if needed, but come Tuesday? Done for almost a full week. Won't have to stress out, can clean my house, and relax.

Now to find out what the fuck happened to my sister...

Y4 D209

More fucked up dreams last night. This one involved shootings and people trying to kill me. Not very much fun let me tell you.

Worked on something real finally yesterday. Also decided with my boss that if there is nothing solid for next week by tomorrow I am taking W-F off next week. Six days in a row off with the holiday and with no show on the weekend. Wow. I haven't had a stretch of peace like that in a while. Instead of having to sit at the computer and pretend I am doing something I will be completely free. I might take one of those days and do a Disneyland trip. Get one more in before the end of the year just because I can.

Other than work didn't do much of anything else yesterday. Had leftover stew. Watched more Firefly. We are almost done. Love how it took us 18 months to watch X-Files and like two weeks to watch all of Firefly. Still have 113 items in our instant queue though. Not like we are going to run out of things to watch anytime soon.

I am worried about the cat. She is sleeping more and starting to have some trouble breathing. In January I am going to take her in for a checkup, money be dammed. She will be 16 next year and needs to have a full workup. Just need to time it right but she needs to be looked at. I will be surprised if she makes it another year. Harsh but true.

Today is more work, the kid's last final, and that's about it.

Notice I haven't been running around? Haven't had any cast drama or shit to deal with lately? These are the positives to my self imposed isolation. Been kind of nice. A little antsy but manageable. I can do this. I can be an adult.

Y4 D208

A new year's resolution to my fellow co-workers - DO NOT SEND EMAIL AFTER 11PM AT NIGHT UNLESS IT IS AN EMERGENCY. Just because YOU can't get your work done during the day doesn't mean the rest of us need to wake up to 10 emails and freak out because we think there is something important in there. Assholes.

Yeah, that's how I woke up this morning. Phone blinking, 10 new messages in my work email. Freaked out for a few minutes and then realized they were all useless. They couldn't have waited until the morning? Apparently not. Whatever.

I SHOULD be in Disneyland today. But I'm not. Because I have no friends and no life. Whee. Yay me. I did do some work yesterday. Started writing a new training class. I am checking with my finance guy right now to see how much PTO I have left. I may just take next week off if I have enough time saved up. Fuck it. No projects are coming down the pipe between now and the end of the year except for silly little BS stuff so I might as well enjoy the time instead of stressing and finding random things to work on.

Made stew last night. The kid is starting to get a cold and I wanted her to have something hearty to eat. Served it in a nice bread bowl for her. Good solid irish beef stew. Two and a half hours cooking time but so worth it. She went to bed at 8:30 last night she was feeling so lousy. Is it Christmas yet? I feel like this season has gone on forever.

Not much else to say.

Y4 D207

Now that was some much needed sleep. Damn. I went to bed around 10 and woke up initially at 3:20. I woke up from a great dream. I was in a classroom and there was another instructor there but someone told me I needed to organize and get everyone outside because the parade was about to start and the other instructor wasn't moving fast enough. So I did what I do and that's take over and got everyone outside and then I grabbed the other instructor and got her outside. Her. She was perfect. She was wearing a cropped black leather jacket, jeans, a pony tail in her hair. Yeah, it was the kind of dream where I remember those details because even my brain knows the only place I will find someone perfect for me is in my dreams...

Went back to sleep until the alarm went off at 6. I then checked my work email, saw nothing, and fell back to sleep until 8. Fuck it. It's the holidays almost. Not my fault dammit. I want to have some work but if there is nothing, there is nothing.

Yesterday was a rough day for the kid. She left for work before 7 and didn't get home until 2. Not only did she have the stress of working retail during the holidays, but they all came in to find there restroom overflowing, the plumbers not able to do anything because it was Sunday, the janitors looking and going yeah, no, their anti theft gun broke, the anti theft door thing was on the fritz, and on top of it people were being messy assholes. She came home just exhausted. I felt bad for her. She went and slept from 3-5 to relax and then finished up her last project for the semester for one of her classes.

I made us cornish game hens for dinner and we watched a couple of Firefly episodes and then a movie called The Confederate States of America. Funny and scary all at the same time. I recommend it. It is an alternate timeline movie of what the US would have been if the South had won. At the end they show what was real and what was fictional. The real parts are almost more disturbing than the fictional.

I heard from a friend last night whom I haven't heard from in a while. She has been recovering from some surgery and I have left her alone because I figured she was still recuperating and would reach out when she is better. Tada. I hope she is fully recovered soon.

That's about it. As you can see, mentally I am hanging in there. Not good, not bad. It might seem strange to some that by avoiding people I am doing better mentally but that's just how it goes. It helps me keep things in check. When I control the size of my world, I can control my reaction and behavior towards the world. I need to do laundry. Yep, random but just thought about that.

Off to shower.

Y4 D206

Hi. I think I might still be a little drunk. It's what? 9:25am. Yep. Okay. I went to bed like seven hours ago but didn't help. Still a little drunk. Wheeeee.

Maybe. Just maybe, I am happy? Not drunk, just happy? Not sure. Ask me in a while.

So.

Yesterday. Didn't do jack diddly shit during the day. Kid went to work. I stayed home. Yadda yadda. She got home though and we went and had some fun. I gave in to the manic side. Just a little bit. But enough that I feel pretty good today. I have to do it in small doses. Just let a little in while throttling the full blown episodes. I think I did pretty good.

We went out to run some errands and ended up at KMart of all places. We decided to be ghetto and have some fun. Ended up buying more Christmas gifts. I swear you look at our tree (what little of it is still showing) and you'd think 20 people live here. But here's the thing - they're stupid gifts. Like I bought a $4.99 set of baking sheets and wrapped them. A new shower curtain. Wrapped. Yeah, it was fun.

She had her new boytoy over. His name for the purpose of this blog will be House by the way. Don't ask, just roll with it. So House was coming over. But I wanted Indian food. I dragged the kid and House out to have dinner. Since I wanted to give them some privacy <-- 2013="2013" a="a" accent="accent" already="already" an="an" and="and" are="are" around="around" at="at" bale.="bale." bar="bar" be="be" but="but" by="by" christian="christian" confirmed="confirmed" conversation="conversation" did="did" didn="didn" director="director" dive="dive" do="do" engaged="engaged" english="english" everyone="everyone" friend.="friend." fuck="fuck" fully="fully" fun="fun" go="go" going="going" good="good" guy="guy" had="had" happen="happen" hard="hard" haven="haven" having="having" house="house" i="i" in="in" instead="instead" it.="it." it="it" kept="kept" kind="kind" last="last" leaving="leaving" left="left" like="like" local="local" looked="looked" made="made" may="may" maybe="maybe" midnight="midnight" movie="movie" my="my" nbsp="nbsp" new="new" night.="night." not="not" of="of" out.="out." over="over" own="own" p="p" people.="people." plans="plans" point="point" really="really" s="s" said="said" set="set" she="she" some="some" still="still" t="t" that.="that." that="that" they="they" think="think" those="those" time.="time." time="time" to="to" together.="together." viewing="viewing" want="want" wanted="wanted" was="was" watch="watch" we="we" went="went" were="were" who="who" with="with" yet.="yet.">
BUT when I got home the kid and House were still up. Bad decision on their part. I kept drinking and dragged them into a game of bananagrams. I was drunk and goofy so I didn't care. After that I passed out. Who knows what they did. She had work at 7 so haven't confirmed with her yet either.

Today I am going to enjoy this upswing. God only knows how long it will last...

Y4 D205

I know why old people go to bed when they do - you're sitting around and thinking well fuck it, I have nothing else to do. Might as well go to bed. That was me at 9pm last night. Fuck it. Go to bed. Some clarification - I have been working from home without really any kind of change of scenery for 4 weeks. Six if you take out my trip to Portland, 8 if you take out my Halloween crazy week. That's a lot of time at home. And what happens is you lose sense of what actual time it is. Everything starts blending together and looking the same. Especially this time of year when the weather is gray and cloudy all day. It all looks the same. It's 3 in the afternoon but it looks and feels like 7 because you have been up since 5am. This is why at 9 you find yourself feeling like you should go to bed because it feels like midnight.

Had the weirdest dream too. Was in a bed in a cabana next to a pool and we (was with someone don't know who it was) were being woken up because the pool needed to open for the day. And they gave us a bill for sleeping there. By the clock in the cabana it was 7:01. Unfortunately this dream woke ME up in real life and it was not 7:01, but rather 4:24. Whee. I tried to go back to sleep but yeah didn't happen. I finally gave up a little while ago.

Had a call yesterday which could lead to a decent project in January. That means I have possibly two if not three projects on the horizon for 2013 already. Good. I just need to get there. This next week is a full week and nothing scheduled as of yet. Really sucks.

After the call that was pretty much it. I poked around on the internet, read a book, played video games, made dinner, watched some TV, went to bed. I didn't want to go out. I MIGHT go out tonight since the kid has a boy coming over. I might go to give them some privacy. But it's cold and nasty out there and I don't want to leave my nice warm house dammit. We shall see.

That's all that's new with me...

Y4 D204

I am hanging in there. I am doing okay but still staying away from people right now. You see, I am trying to not go off to the 'other side' while trying to shake off the depression. Normally when I come out of one of these depressed states it leads into a manic state. Uncontrolled behavior, irresponsible behavior, dangerous behavior, all of the above. Well this time I am trying to stay balanced. I am trying to come out of being depressed without having to resort to mania as the way out. And that's tough. I mean really really tough. Like the other night after the party I got invited by one of my co-workers to keep partying. The urge was there. It was really strong. But I fought it and went home. I went to bed. He must have had fun as he texted me yesterday telling me I missed out on a wild time. Good. It would have not ended well for me. I know this for fact. So you see, I am not quite out of the funk place because I am trying to not slip into the insane place. Balance. This means I need to watch who and how I interact with other people. Small one on one things I can handle. I can handle some small conversation. I can handle lunch with a friend. I can't handle letting myself go at a party. I need to watch that. The minute I give in, I am afraid I will go too far. The tough part is that this causes me to start to slip back into the darker thoughts. I am fighting myself to stay out of there. Stay away from light Carol Ann...

Didn't do anything yesterday for work which sucks. We are too close to the end of the year for solid projects. I am doing little one off things right now and it's rough. I need to get back on a solid week plus long thing. Hopefully January will pick back up. Just need to bide my time and play nice.

Watched some Firefly with the kid, made mahi for dinner on top of quinoa and braised cabbage. Played Diablo, went to bed. Safe. Sane.

Friday night. Let's see if I can still stay cool...

Y4 D203

I'm ALMOST back to 'normal'. I am right there on the cusp of being fully functional. There are still certain people I don't want to be around and certain things which aren't good for me, but I think I can manage. I think I can get through the days.

Went to my holiday Christmas dinner last night. Copious amounts of alcohol ingested. Free alcohol too. I didn't eat much unfortunately. The food just wasn't that good. Which was a real let down since this is one of the better restaurants in town. It's the age old issue of being in a group setting. They give you the shit menu. The let's make everyone happy by serving bland wedding fare. Sucks. AND they had us up on the 9th floor of the hotel in a makeshift dining room. Aka a conference room. Double sucks. I would NOT go back there again. Just on principle.

My companion for the night was a good friend whose father runs a company a couple blocks from the hotel specializing in consulting to the healthcare industry. She works for him for now until she is accepted to grad school so she can pursue her PhD in Medieval History. Yeah. I know. I have taught her to say 'Do you want to hear our specials?' quite well. Point being, given the nature of her father's business and its clients, she is quite used to doing these holiday/corporate function type things. One of the reasons I invited her to join me.

The day was pretty boring. I headed up to the city around 4, met her about 5:30. Her birthday is on Friday so I took her to the Disney store pre-party to pick out a present. She picked out a t-shirt and a mug. We then headed over to the hotel, saw that they had us in a 'room' and went back down to 5 to the bar. Two cocktails later we headed back to the main party.

I mean the people were fun and I enjoyed talking to folks, but the ambience sucked ass like the food. Sorry but it did. I remember 98% of the night. I do know that I for once didn't make the most inappropriate comment of the night. That honor went to the gentleman from South Africa who was proud to announce his country just got named as having the largest average penis length in the world at 6.9 inches. Yay?

I put her in a cab around 11, headed to the station, kid picked me up. She worked until 11 anyway so it wasn't a big deal. I let her drive and I was quiet. I know it makes her nervous having me in the car. I tried to be good but let's be honest, I was drunk. I was rolling down the window on her and she was cranking the heat. Then we got home and she refused to parallel park which pissed me off so I moved the car. This insulted her which is understandable. We talked about it this morning.

Let's see if there's any aftermath to deal with today. I am not expecting any though to be honest. I am fucking hungry...

Y4 D202

Hello. I am still here. I am still functional. I worked all day yesterday on some random stuff my boss threw at me around 11. Took me until about 7 to finish it. At least I had a full day's worth of work. Not bad given the time of year and that I am in between things. Mentally I am doing okay. Not fantastic, but not horrible either.

I did order a Christmas gift for the house yesterday. My friend who is an artist released some new paintings yesterday afternoon. About 10 of them and the first right of purchase went to about 12 of us who are past buyers of his work. I ended up getting one of the smaller ones. He was very smart and ranged them from $100 - $1000 to allow every budget to be able to make a purchase. Obviously I went with the low end. I don't mind spending $100 on something that will one day be worth much more. These are originals, not lithographs, not copies. Nope, there is only one of I bought and it's the kind of thing that will only appreciate.

He is a very well known artist and I am proud to be able to call him and his wife my friends. His work is seen internationally, on television, and licensed to a number of brands most people know. To have an original, my 4th, means something to me. His wife and I talked for a while on the phone. She misses seeing me around town. She also had some advice for me on my mental state which actually helped a little. Put some things into perspective for me. Just about not letting bad people or things even get in your life. That there's nothing wrong with just 'walking away' from those things. No client, no job, no person is worth dragging down your mental health in essence was her message. And these are two very successful people that I can really listen to and that I admire.

Tonight is my Christmas party. There's going to be some fireworks I am afraid. I don't want my picture taken and yet they are going to have a professional photographer there tonight. I got an email at like 11pm saying I should wear a coat, tie, and shirt for tonight. Bitch please, like you need to tell me how to dress. Like I am some dumbass developer who doesn't know anything about fashion. Bite me.

If they want a picture, they will get it with all my piercings showing and anything else I can do to make it unusable. There is nothing in any of my documentation that says they have the right to use my image for marketing or sales purposes. Hence, I can refuse to take a picture. Sorry, I just don't like my picture being taken. It's a personal thing.

Slept like shit too. Not sure why. Mostly I had trouble falling asleep. Too much swirling around in my head. Nothing horrible, just a lot of thoughts.

I think I am slowly starting to come back on an upswing. Let's see how this goes tonight.

Y4 D201

Got to sleep this morning. Finally done with the 3am days thank God. I went to bed at 8:30 last night I was exhausted from the day. Slept until 6. Not a completely restful sleep, but at least I slept.

I often wonder what the boundary is these days for work related email. Remember the days when people couldn't send you messages all hours of the damn day and night? Or when your work email stayed at work and not on your phone, home computer, etc? I received more emails after 9pm last night than I did during the entire day. This is part of why I couldn't sleep last night. Bing. Bing. Bing. GO AWAY. There has to be some etiquette about these things.

Trained all day obviously. Finished up around 2:30, played some Diablo, watched Merlin, and then went to bed. That was my day. Kid had a date so she left at 6am for class and I have no idea what time she got home.

I will admit yesterday was a better day. I am still not out of the woods. Tomorrow for example is my company holiday dinner and while part of me wants to go, there's another part that wants to beg it off completely. Especially since one of the emails I got (at 12:02am mind you) was about there being a photographer at the party tomorrow. Unacceptable. I will not allow myself to be photographed. I don't want that.

I miss my life from before a little bit. I miss being able to walk out my front door and walk downtown. Even if I didn't do anything I felt like I could get out of the house and be somewhere. I think I have had it with this location. My lease is up in July. Time to start planning for a move.

Nothing other than some minor stuff planned for today. Let's see how that goes.

Y4 D200

A few things about yesterday's post:

1. I am anything BUT apathetic about my situation. I spend most of my time thinking about it and how I can change it, where I can change, what parts I have to learn to accept, what parts are decision versus nature, and every other aspect of it.

2. I wish I could go to one on one counseling. Unfortunately my insurance only covers group. If I want personal counseling I have to pay anywhere from $100-$150 a session out of pocket. I don't qualify for shit because I 'make too much money' according to the rules. Now, I am switching insurance carriers 1/1 and who knows, maybe then I will have some mental health insurance that's worth a damn.

3. I won't take meds. Sorry, but I won't. I have been down that path before and I don't like it. I don't like who I am, what they do to me, and the fact that I am dependent on a PILL to MASK what's wrong with me instead of fixing it. Look at Larry Flynt - he was on so many drugs every day to mask the pain he was experiencing and he hated it. When he had the choice to have surgery to be out of pain that would essentially put him in a wheelchair for the rest of his life, he chose that. FIX me, don't hide the issue. I am with him. I would suffer through EST if it fixed the problem before taking a fucking pill.

4. I know that in part my issues are self-inflicted and temporary. They are a result of choices both made and thrust upon me and are situational. Don't forget all the things I have been going through have only been since May of 2009. Less than four years. In that time I have dealt with more shit than most people deal with their entire lives. The fact that I am still walking and functioning is a testimony to the strength of my character. When the dust settles, I am a bad motherfucker. I bounce where other people crumble. It also means that sometimes I just need to fucking vent okay? I need to get all these things OUT before they explode inside.

Like yesterday for example - I turned off my phone and all chats. Why? Because I didn't want to explode on anyone. They don't deserve it. It's my head and I don't get to puke it on them. Here I can puke. On them, no.

There are other things I have come to terms with too. I have given up the romance of finding someone. I won't settle though either. Hence, I must accept that I am probably going to be alone for a long time. It is what it is. I also know that once the kid is out, I will have more options open to me and I will be able to change some of the things eating at me right now. I am a create of wanderlust, I know this. I need to be seeing and doing. Part of the problem is I have been home for WEEKS and seeing the same four walls gets to me. I need to GO somewhere. Which is why I was more upset than I should have been about not going to Disneyland next week. I was hoping for that catharsis of being out of town. I should be back on the road in January which will help.

So there you go.

Waited for the kid to get home from work yesterday and then we went Christmas shopping. I spent $3 at the bar Saturday night and decided to spend what I would have normally spent on Christmas toys for us. Yes, toys. We went to Toys R Us and bought $50 worth of dumb gifts. Made us both happy.

Came home, made dinner, went to bed at 7:30. Today is another up at 3:15 days. Done at 1.

Y4 D199

One of the hardest questions for me to answer for people is "Are you okay?" or "What's wrong?". Because the real answer would go something like this:

"Nothing. Everything. I don't know? My life? My lack of a emotional and physical intimacy with someone I actually care about? My financial outlook for the future? My job satisfaction? My overall life satisfaction? My body image? My mental image? The fact that I am getting older and have nothing to show for it and will leave behind anything but a beautiful corpse? That I hate everyone and yet love everyone at the same time? I don't know how to answer your question because truthfully I don't know what's wrong other than I feel hollow, empty, lonely, and want to give up. But hey, thanks for asking."

Yeah, no one wants to hear that. So you say "I'm fine." or "Nothing, just tired.". When in reality you want to climb to the top of the tallest building and scream at the world to wake up and then jump off feeling for once in your life that you are truly free.

I ate 170 calories yesterday. Four triscuits, 2.5 diet rockstars. I wasn't hungry at all. I'm still not. And yes, I am up at 5:30 on a Sunday. Not because I had a show last night. No, I was in bed by 11. Instead I decided to be a nice guy and get up and cook breakfast for the kid before she has to go off to work. She has to work at 7 and I want her to have energy and be in a good mood. One of us should be in this house at least.

On the way home from the party I went to last night I was listening to the USB drive I have in the car. 700+ songs set on random. Closer came on. At first I started thinking about how it reflects the relationship I have with SG but then I realized it's HER version of our 'relationship'. She's the one who needs to pretend to be someone else. She's the one who needs someone to make her perfect. I can't take her fucking narcissism right now. I don't have anything of myself left to give to her. She wants to get together now that she is back in town but I just can't do it. I can't bring myself to be with her. How fucking sad is that? There are men my age would be in awe. "Yeah, I got this 21, almost 22, year old who wants nothing from me except to hook up and have sex for hours. Kinda sucks, but you know how it goes.". Truthfully most people DON'T know how that goes. You can't go up to someone my age who has been married forever with kids at home and say "Yeah, I am tired of sportfucking. I really want to be back in a relationship that matters.". They stare at you with the look in incredulity like you just walked out of a time machine from 1900. The words don't make any sense to them.

Well they do to me. I don't want to sport fuck any more. Hell I don't even want to fuck any more. Is it so wrong that I just want someone to SHARE experiences with right now? And I am not saying I want to sit on the couch and cuddle or any bullshit like that. I still want to live my life and have fun, I have just reached the breaking point of doing it ALONE.

I guess I should mention what brought all this on. This vomiting of words. This spewing. Sorry I had to take a break to make the kid's breakfast as promised. At least she is proud of me. I didn't break my promise. I was home early, up early, and delivered on the promised breakfast meal. I can make someone happy at least.

Anyway last night was our cast birthday party. 17 years the cast has officially been in existence in one form or another. Not everyone obviously been on there for 17 years. I think the longest running are our directors at 15 years.

I go to the pub where the party is at and I really didn't want to go because I knew what was going to happen but there supposed to be people there for whom I have Christmas presents. Of course all of them bailed. Great. Had I known I would have begged off. Whatever. I wasn't drinking. I wasn't talking because I just didn't want to have any contact with people. Because as I look around the room everyone is happy and engaged with each other. I didn't belong. Once again. I didn't fit in. I wasn't there with anyone. I wasn't going home with anyone. Alone and isolated as usual. So I stayed to myself and left without any fanfare. I could have tried to be more engaging but the simple truth is I didn't want to be engaged. I wanted the isolation. It felt right. It felt like what I deserve. Explain all that to someone when they ask "What's wrong?".

The day yesterday was okay. The kid worked. I went grocery shopping in the morning. Got $260 worth of groceries for $190. Some smart shopping. Some digital coupon use. I hate coupons, but if I can go to a website and assign coupons to my frequent shopper card, fine. I will do that. Saved an extra 10% off my bill by doing that. Stopped at the dollar store for stocking stuffers. Boring basic shit but needed to get done shit too.

Hung out and relaxed until the kid got home then headed to the party. That was my day. That is my mindset. I have turned off all facebook chats today because I just don't want to deal with SG. I am at the point where I am going to snap with her and I don't want to be an asshole. It's best if I avoid rather than confront right now. Just for now.

My back hurts. I need to go soak it today.

Y4 D198

I went out last night and shook my funk off a little. I didn't let things get out of hand or too crazy though. I managed to enjoy myself without overdoing it or being home at a crazy time, etc. I taught in the morning. If you can call being up at 3:30am morning. Class started at 5, finished at about 12:50. Class went really well and I got some great feedback at the end. One student said in front of everyone:

"You did an excellent job on the pace and presenting the materials. I have been to many classes where they try to teach too much too quickly and you end up feeling like you missed something. You gave us just the right amount where we can take this away and actually start leveraging the information in a productive way."

That's pretty damn good feedback. I was happy about that. Took a little nap after class for about 45 minutes. The kid had a date in the city and I decided to do some Christmas shopping for friends and meet one of my friends for dinner in the city. We left here around 3 and headed to the train station. She got off before I did and we agreed whoever left the city first could take the car home, we just needed to text each other.

I got to my destination around 4, did my shopping, and headed to my friend's place around 5. She wasn't there so I hung out with her boyfriend for a while. She got home around 6:30 and we went out for Indian food. Not bad. It was pretty tasty without being over the top. After that we popped into the bar around the corner from her place. We talked, had a few drinks, and I was back on the 10:30 train home. Okay. Well done. I didn't get stupid drunk, I didn't pass out on their couch for once, and I got home by about 11:45. It was a nice night out and helped shake the cobwebs from my head.

I am still not 100%, but I am at least amongst the living. Tonight is a cast party and I am not sure how I am going to feel about going. We shall see.

Y4 D197

3:39am. I have seen this time of the morning more than most people ever will. Whether for business or pleasure. I am a creature of the dawn. Not the night, not the day, but the dawn. The early morning hours in between. Like me - in between. Never quite fitting in one place or another. Always hovering on the edge. The dawn and I understand each other. It's quiet, lonely, and cold.

Taught yesterday from 5-1. Napped until 2. Worked on another project until 5. Ate, watched Firefly with the kid, went to bed.

Nothing else.

Y4 D196

This is way too early in the morning for a person to be up. And to be working. It's one thing when I am up at this time because I am having sex or coming home from a show. But to intentionally be up at 3:30 in the morning is fucking insane.

I was supposed to work yesterday morning but the call didn't come through until almost 2:30 in the afternoon. I then had to work while cooking dinner and while trying to get to bed at a decent time to be up this early. Yeah that didn't work. I didn't go to bed until 10 and then couldn't sleep until 11:30 and then I woke up at 2. I managed to fall back to sleep from 2:30 until 3:30 but it still sucked ass.

The kid had her new friend over and we watched Firefly together. I feel guilty sometimes that this place is so small and I can't really offer a lot of privacy but then again she has a TV in her bedroom and can always go in there if she wants to be alone.

That in a nutshell is my life. It's been raining. My mood is still lousy. No one has called me, texted me, or even given two shits about my general welfare. My life. Yay me.

Y4 D195

I am filled with an emptiness right now. Just a void. Almost apathy but not quite. It's a hollow feeling of loneliness, sadness, worthlessness, fear, and many more depressing adjectives. I can't shake it. Tis the season motherfucker.

The kid got bad news. She didn't get into the Disney program again. She is depressed about that but at the same time she now can finally move forward with the guy she has been seeing. She has been not allowing herself to get close in case she was moving. She also doesn't understand why she didn't get in again. There are 64,000 people who apply every year and they accept 8,000. Her and 55,999 other people won't get in this year. Perspective.

Me? I trained all day. Same thing all week. Didn't put on pants. No need. I think if you look in my laundry basket I have worn four things in the last 2 weeks. Scary.

Doesn't matter. It's not like anyone gives a shit or wants to see me anyway.

Y4 D194

Meh. Whatever. That's how I am feeling right now. I have absolutely no motivation to get up in the morning and do anything. Unfortunately I am training this week and have to act perky. Class starts in 30 minutes. Spent the day training from 7-4:30 yesterday. Since it's a 'mentoring' gig, there's no real start/end time. Basically when the client is done for the day. Whee.

Made steak for dinner. Went to bed. That's my life.

Y4 D193

Woke up at 3:20am this morning from a bad X2 dream. I don't want to talk about it though. It was the same old shit and isn't worth rehashing. I think it just falls in line with what I experienced yesterday and Saturday - that whole feeling of loneliness, despair, and feeling like everything is a mistake including me.

I didn't leave the house yesterday except to go to the grocery store. I was just going to get a couple of things but you know how that goes. $100 later I have groceries in the house for a week at least. Yay me. Whatever. It's not like I want to eat. I am too fucking fat as it is. I need to stop eating for a month. I was supposed to go to Disneyland on the 18th but I don't think I am going to go now. Nobody to go with me. And that's a lot of money to spend by myself. It's a $300 weekend before I buy shit. When there's four of us going it's ok - $75 per person is acceptable. But to drop $300 to go by myself just to see Molly Ringwald? Fuck that. I can order 100 pins on line and get at least 50 new ones for $70. Oh look, same goal achieved. What I think I *might* do is go to the city and go to the big Disney store. I was going to buy a couple of people Disney gifts for Christmas so I can get a lot of the same things there. I don't know. I really want to go though. Fuck. Indecisive much? Story of my life. I want to do things but there's no point or fun in doing them alone, now is there?

I am training this week. Today and tomorrow 7-3, Thursday and Friday 5-1 then the same on Monday. The 7-3 isn't so bad, but the 5-1 is going to kill me.

I was going to type something else, but screw it.

Y4 D192

Last night about halfway through the show I was just hit with this overwhelming sadness. I was fine up until that point and then BAM, just felt so alone, old, unwanted, and an outsider. It just hit me. I don't know if it was the audience, or the realization that even though I was around people, I don't have anyone. I know have the kid and 'friends', but I don't have anyone. It just enveloped me in this feeling of complete darkness. The show ended, I packed things up, didn't say a word to anyone and just went home. It was all I could do from breaking down right there at the theater.

Which really sucks because I had a nice day yesterday. I did some Christmas shopping with the kid at the mall. We had a really nice lunch at this mexican place I haven't been to in years. That in itself is a shame because because the food there is REAL Mexican and Latin American food and I had forgotten how good it is. I had rellenos in nogada - chile rellenos in a walnut cream sauce topped with pomegranate seeds. One of my favorite dishes anywhere. I was having such a good day. Got a new Christmas hat with antlers.

Then my mind. You're worthless. You're alone. No one wants you around. No one cares. You don't belong. Go home. Go be alone and stop bugging people. Go now. Go.

And that's where my head is at right now...

Y4 D191

Hey look! IT'S FINALLY DECEMBER! Dear sweet jesus it took long enough to get here. And I left the house last night! Whoooo!

Okay, I went to the tea shop and target, but still, I put on pants!

And I finally shaved. Oh the excitement just continues.

Worked during the day. Had our company quarterly meeting and there were two slides dedicated to positive feedback from our customers about me. That felt pretty good. Around 2 I went and picked the kid up at work and we wandered around the mall for a little while. Her XBF douchebag was coming over last night as they needed to go shopping for show stuff.

When he came over I went out. I didn't want to be around them. While I was out I texted a friend I haven't seen in a while and she came over and hung out with me. That was nice. Some social interaction. We watched two episodes of always sunny and are finally caught up on the show. The most current episode was pretty damn amusing.

We then proceeded to drink and just talk about nothing in particular. At midnight we decided to do a taco bell run. That was fun too.

All in all, nothing exciting, nothing bad, a decent day. One more day I made it through.

Y4 D190

Oh dear god it is STILL November. Will this fucking month end already? Seriously. Will this YEAR end already? Can this life end already?

Ugh.

I am starting to look like a hobo with a shotgun. I haven't really left the house for more then five or ten minutes (grocery store runs) in like a week. I haven't bothered to shave, living in pajama pants, etc. At least I am showering.

Did two seminars yesterday and got prepped for next week's classes. Which I am doing from home. Which means I don't have to leave the house again if I don't want to. Will he shave? The million dollar question...

Played Diablo. Watched all of the Lizzie Bennet diaries. I am now caught up thank you very much. If you haven't watched them, do so. It's a retelling of Pride and Prejudice through the use of modern technology. Fun web series. Go to youtube. It's out there. 68 episodes so far.

The kid had a date again with the guy from the other night. They had fondue. Me? I had potato salad. Yep.

I need kleenex boxes. And to only start trusting mormons...

Y4 D189

It's still fucking November? I mean seriously how long is this fucking month? It feels like it will never end for crying out loud. It just keeps going and going. Ugh.

I slept on the couch last night. I couldn't sleep. I went to bed around 10, laid there until 11, got up, tried again, ended up around midnight just sitting on the couch, finally fell asleep around 2 only to wake up at 6. Don't know why the bad sleeping is back.

Didn't do much yesterday. Have a training next week that I am starting to get ready for. I am NOT looking forward to it already because it looks like another one of those where I have way too many non-english speaking persons who are going to be attending. I hate that shit. They tend to be needy, rude, and arrogant.

Did talk to my boss yesterday. He was very pleased with the work I did on the new training manual. He wants me to add some more which I will do today. Busy work a little bit but whatever.

Didn't put on pants yet again. Made beanie weenies for dinner. FINALLY watched the last episode of X-Files. 202 episodes done! One thing we both laughed at was in the episode they tell of the 'final' alien invasion date - 12/22/2012. Gee sound familiar? So the world isn't ending, we are just going to be attacked by aliens. Cool. I can handle that.

Y4 D188

The kid had a gentleman caller last evening. They watched Blade Runner together. I like this guy much better than her last one but she is afraid to move forward with him until she hears back from Disney. I get that. Because if she is accepted she could be off to Florida. It's too bad because he is a really nice guy. Not to mention he isn't on cast which gives him major points regardless.

I spent the whole day working on my new training materials. Of course I haven't heard a damn thing back from the five people I sent it to yesterday. Ass wipes. Even just a 'hey, didn't look it over yet, but thanks for doing this' would have been nice. Nope. Nothing. Took me all day to develop and nada in return.

Whatever.

I did get worked lined up for next week at least. Four days of training. Downside is that it's from 5am each day. Oh well. I can handle it. My day will be done by 1:30 every day next week. Even if I have to get up at 3:30 every day it's worth it.

That was about it for yesterday. Bought a bottle of Mansithe absinthe at the store last night. Not bad. Made for a decent death in the afternoon. Not the best absinthe I have had, but still pretty darn tasty. I only had one. I was a good boy. Shared a libation with the gentleman caller.

Today is open so far. I might continue to work on the training guide to see what else I can add. It's a little over a half day right now so if I can add a couple more topics I can make it a full day and we can sell it as an advanced class. I just need to come up with a couple more things. I have one in mind already which will give me something to focus on today.

In other news, I am really fucking lonely.

Y4 D187

I went to bed early last night because I was tired. Plus I was bored. I don't know if you have noticed, but I haven't been going out at night anymore. Just not up to it. Not into sitting at a bar feeling sorry for myself. I can do that just as easily at home and save money. Christmas is coming. Anyway, went to bed early and had the worst fucking nightmare. It was a combination of every horror and sci-fi thing in my head apparently. I was driving around Vegas with someone who was supposed to be my partner and we were trying to 'reboot' Vegas. I don't know what that meant. But we had to reset everything because it was all going to shit. Power was out, things were going crazy, etc. We got to the local police station where things were hectic and the deputy was leaving for the day and the sheriff was out. That's when we saw all the computers in the parking lot setup like a black cross and playing just random evil shit. My partner wouldn't acknowledge something odd was going on and got pissed at me. The deputy asked where I was from and I told her I worked on the X-Files. Yeah. So the partner storms off and I go to my car which conveniently was a black impala (see?) and also conveniently in the parking lot. That's when Slenderman appeared in front of me and sliced through the top of the car and was trying to scoop my brains out. Nice huh? I woke up at that point. So there you have it - six different sci-fi horror things shoved into one dream. Analyze that.

I worked all day on a new presentation. Almost done with it and I think it will buy me some good will. It's timely, adds a half day to one of our classes, and is something good for me to know. I should be done with that today.

I did get some good news yesterday which of course turned into shit. I got selected by Disneyland to attend one of the nights of the Annual Candlelit Christmas procession narrated by Molly Ringwald. AWESOME except it's on a Tuesday. I can adjust my schedule, but apparently no one else can. No one is interested or available to go with me. Fuck it. I am going alone. Just like everything else in my life, I will do it alone. Get good news, find out no one gives a shit about you enough to change their plans. Whatever.

Y4 D186

Did absolutely nothing yesterday. Didn't leave the house once. Spent the whole day in yoga pants and a hoodie. Yep, captain lazy. I have no regrets or complaints about it either. I really don't have much to say here today because I seriously didn't do a fucking thing yesterday. I played Diablo, watched some TV, straightened up the house, and that was it. Nobody called me, nobody texted, and the kid worked most of the morning. She had homework to do - a lot of it - and when she got home she locked herself away. That was the extent of things.

This week is looking pretty light which may be a problem.

Y4 D185

I'm still alive and functional. Can't seem to type though this morning. It took me way too long to type these last few sentences. Not hungover though. Didn't drink yesterday at the show. First show in weeks. It was kind of odd. Back like when I first started doing cast. Mellow, relaxed, no drama. Kind of nice. Did the show came home went to bed. The way it should be.

As for the rest of the day - kid got up late but still made it to work on time. They overestimated the number of people needed yesterday and while she was supposed to work from 7-3 they sent her home at 10. Her store did really well Friday and I guess they were hoping for a repeat over the weekend that didn't come. I think the problem is that Thanksgiving was so early this year and there was so much hype about stores being open even earlier and having 'good deals' that people weren't already burnt out. It's too bad and a poor business decision on the part of the companies to try and get everyone excited too soon. Honestly we are still a month out from Christmas and already my interest is waning. I don't know how they can sustain it. Regardless, she came home early which was good because I was in a funk in the morning and didn't want to sit in the house otherwise I was going to go nuts. Luckily she was home by 11 and we went out to run errands.

Did do a little Christmas shopping. Nothing major. Just some small presents under the tree. I am waiting for all my Amazon gift cards to come through this week to do the real shopping. I have about $400 in gift cards this year total. So far $190 of them have come through. As soon as the rest get here I will be doing some ordering. I am hoping this week. But then again I have to remind myself we are still a month out. It's not that big of a deal.

Got home around 3 and we just hung out. Her boy toy came over around 4 and we ordered pizza. Watched bad tv shows on Netflix then headed out to do the show.

All in all, what started off as a really fucked up day mentally finished off not too shabby. Let's see if I can sustain that attitude.

Y4 D184

I watched the most fucked up movie last night. Really bad movie to watch if you are a white male in his 40s unhappy with his life. Trust me. It's called I Melt With You. It's about 4 guys all 44 who meet up in Monterey for their annual catching up party. Disillusionment, pain, suffering, realizing you aren't who you were supposed to be, etc. All those things that every guy my age either deals with or buries down until it kills them. Watch this movie but only if you're ready to face the topics it brings up. The on guy who managed to write one book but now teaches English; the doctor whose son calls his stepdad "Dad" and spends most days higher than a kite; the stockbroker who is facing embezzlement charges; the guilty guy who caused the car accident that killed his lovers. Yeah. Real happy stuff. Very real. Very touching. Very fucked up. And I watched it alone.

Thought about my brother a lot yesterday too. Thought about too many things.

The kid worked from 4am to noon. She got home around 1. She was exhausted but we went out for some food. We also stopped at the paint store. I think I am going to finally paint my bedroom. At least now I have colors decided. That's a huge step in the right direction.

I did do the right thing yesterday morning. SG wanted to come over early and fuck. I told her no. Not because I didn't want to. Not because I wasn't alone. But because it's wrong. It really is. Not her age or anything stupid like that - no, because despite whatever rules they have in their relationship, she is still a married woman and it isn't right. So I said no. I was a good boy.

Meh, that's about it. Count the bodies like sheep...

Y4 D183

Today is the two year anniversary of my brother's death. I was getting hung up last year on 'it was the Tuesday before Thanksgiving' and not paying attention to the actual date. I started to do the same thing this year and realized, no wait, it was the 23rd. So here it is. Yay. Whee. Fuck it. I miss you brother. I don't miss your bitch ass wife or the shit she did sometimes to you, but I miss you.

The kid has been at work since 4. Poor kid.

I went to my friend's house for Thanksgiving yesterday. I was planning on being broody and mopey. Instead I had fun and got home at 1:30am. I am also sure my mouth ran over time but I can only remember half of it. Good?

And I am not an alcoholic, I am an advanced drinker. Yeah. Sure.

We went through a bottle of wine, ok, *I* went through a bottle of wine. Then between three of us two bottles of vodka. In about 8 hours. But you know what? I had fun and that's all that matters at the end of the day. I asked the kid earlier in the day 'what did I do last year?' and her answer was 'mope'. So fine, I didn't mope. Happy?

God I have a hangover.

Y4 D182

blah blah blah work.

blah blah blah stayed at home

blah blah blah kid went to work

blah blah blah went to bed.

That's my life in a nutshell.

Happy fucking thanksgiving.

Y4 D181

I hate winter. It's all cold and shit. And raining. Rain is so damn depressing. Right now I am smiling on the outside but not so much underneath. Under the surface I am a ball of insanity. I am trying to sleep but my dreams are plotting against me. They show me things I don't want to see, people I don't want to see, etc. It's all a damn plot to push me further into the abyss.

I did decide yesterday that if I were to kill myself I would do it at Disneyland. Not in the park mind you, but on Harbor Boulevard. I would spend the day in the park then let one of the busses hit me on the way out. Those are really big busses. They would squish me flat. I figure I should be at the one place that makes me truly happy one last time and then let it kill me. The irony alone would be worth it.  Because yes, these are the things I think about.

Processed a shit ton of videos yesterday and cleaned house on folders. I discovered I am missing some stuff but it's all good. This is more my OCD kicking in that I don't like having holes in the collection. If I am going to have something, I need the whole thing. Stupid yes, but hey have you met me?

Did some scoping on a client project. Have to finish that today with a two hour conference call with the client to ask some specific questions. I think the project is less complicated than they do but I need to verify some stuff to make sure.

SG hit the road at like 6 last night. 9 hour drive by herself. I am hoping she made it safe. She was about 6 hours out at 10 pm. I worry. Hell I would worry about any of my friends making that long of a drive through mountains and ice by themselves. I worry, it's what I do.

I have another friend who has been in the hospital. I have been a horrible friend by not seeing how she is doing. I need to remedy that today. I need to make sure she is doing okay as well. Hopefully all is good.

I got wrapping paper last night and the ingredients to make mac and cheese for tomorrow's dinner. I really don't want to go. But I will and I will put on a big smile and act like I care.

Guess what today is. It's the two year anniversary of my brother's death. Whee. How time flies when you aren't looking.

Y4 D180

Back home, back to normalcy, whatever that is. Got up early as I had to be onsite for a client yesterday. There are worse things. We did have a bit of drama in the morning. I had a voicemail from one of the kid's friends. Turns out she lost her phone Sunday night while out with her boytoy. Lucky for her, a very nice man picked it up and sent her an email and responded to her friend's text. She didn't know this when she got up and was afraid I was going to be mad. I was for about a split second and realized it's just a fucking phone. She still felt stupid the whole way to the train station. Sorry kid, you lost it not me. I can only offer so much sympathy plus it's just a phone. Stop beating yourself up over something so dumb. Luckily I was able to get a hold of the guy around 9 and we scheduled a time to pick up the phone in the evening.

Worked at the client until about 4 and got home around 6. Yes, it took me two hours to go essentially 30 miles. And people wonder why I would rather be on a plane than in regular commute traffic. No brainer in my head. When I am on the road I stay 1-2 miles away from my clients. No traffic, no headaches. Here I have to drive in shitville.

I want to move. Being with SG this weekend somewhere else really reinforced how much I do dislike it around here some days.

I have also been having really bad X2 dreams the last couple of nights. Just the same fucked up shit where she is yelling at me about money. It's always the same fucking shit. That's my life. Same shit, different decade.

When I got home I explained everything about her phone to the kid and told her she was taking $20 out to offer the guy. We went to meet him and he refused as I figured he would. It was more principle. I then made her spend that $20 on dinner for us. She needed to have some kind of repercussion for losing her phone. I know it's not major, but still.

Had ramen for dinner. Not ramen like most people think, but real ramen at a noodle house. Big difference. Came home and she had to write a paper. I fucked around on the internet and then went to bed.

Today and tomorrow I am doing some minor work. I need to hit the grocery store at some point for Thursday. I really don't want to go to this dinner, but I am obligated. I will go and smile and then leave early.

Y4 D179

Got up yesterday and let her sleep. Mostly because I didn't want to face the elephant in the room. I wanted the weekend to end on a happy note. I went down and had breakfast by myself while she slept. She eventually woke up around 10 and we went off to get her coffee. After that we came back, packed up and she dropped me off at the airport.

It was a bittersweet ending to a good time. On Saturday when she talked to her husband he mentioned that given their schedules and the way things were lining up that maybe when she gets home in December they should start trying to have a family. This is something she wants, something he wants, and I can't stand in the way. This of course means our time is over. Hence why this was bittersweet. Like most things in my life, I am the end of a chapter for her. Starting next month she has to put away childish things and move into adulthood. Aka me. I am a diversion, a toy, a whatever, what I am not is the future. I never am. Look at the last one. I am always the shadow of something else.

We did part well. I will not deny. I also managed to get on an earlier flight so I was home by 3 instead of 5. That helped. Made my day a little easier.

No matter what, she will always be the Marla to my Tyler. When I am with her I look the way I want to look, I talk the way I want to talk, and I fuck the way I want to fuck. I am free in every single possible way. We will still have our virtual relationship for now, but as for being together physically, that part is done.

I will die alone. I know this. I have learned to accept it. I have reached that final stage of grieving. I am acceptance.

Y4 D178

Had a pretty damn good day yesterday. In addition to awesome sex, SG gave me something I have needed for a while - a day off. A day on the road that was solely mine and was a real vacation. She is sleeping right now and she earned it. I won't wake her up until it's time to go to the airport.

We got up around 7 (I went back to bed after posting) and had sex. Perfect way to start the day. From there we went down and had breakfast. Got to love free breakfasts. Another wonderful perk. After that we walked around. I took her to Sephora for her Christmas present. Nothing fancy, some Betsey Johnson perfume. She really likes it. Plus it's not over the top crazy and she won't have to worry about hiding it or anyone questioning where she got it.

After that we headed back to the hotel because the vintage shop I wanted to go wasn't open yet. This resulted in more sex and a nap. At around 1:30 we went back over to the vintage store. Nothing jumped out at either of us, but it was still fun.

From there we went over to this french bistro and proceeded to eat and drink for the next four hours. We had truffle fries, mac and cheese, apple tart with black walnut ice cream, and a cheese plate. All with many cocktails. Got back to the hotel around 6:30 and oh guess what? Yeah, more sex. A quickie but a good quickie. She was completely wiped out so I let her sleep and went down to the bar in the hotel. Went back up around 9. We then talked about some stuff. Stuff I don't want to write down here. Stuff that I am still thinking through. Needless to say, this will probably be the last time we are ever together physically.

It's a long story why, but I know it's for the best. I am not sad about it though... I am really not. This weekend will be burned into my brain forever more. I got one more experience to add to the list. How lucky am I? Like the song says:

I'm so old, you're so young
I know, you know
Everybody, everyone - let's go...

Quick and to the Pointless. Is there a better song for me?

Y4 D177

4:03am. Sweaty. Parched. 5 hours of sex. Need break. Need sleep. Been up for 24 hours. Ugh.

Told ya today would be a more exciting post. Trained all day, class seemed happy. They seemed to appreciate everything. I mean honestly you never can tell until the comments come in. And then they hit you for the most random shit.

Was trying to finish around 1:45 but ended up going until 2:05. The kid was supposed to drive me to the airport but her work called and asked her to come in early. Luckily I was able to get one of my friends to leave work nearby and drive me. Worked out for everyone. Turns out though my stress was for naught. My flight was supposed to leave at 5:55. Well first it got pushed to 6:48. Then 7:44. Then 8:10. We finally left at 8:10. Two hours delayed. I was not happy. It was a small plane, fully booked, and since it was on a partner flight, the only advantage I had going for me was early boarding. Otherwise no real perk. No exit seat, etc.

I finally arrived at a little after 10. I was pissed off after that trip and didn't care who knew. I was tired of being nice. SG picked me up and I could tell she was a little thrown off. We talked about it a little on the way to the hotel. In her mind she really didn't think this was happening. It's fun to talk about these things, and play and tease, but another when it becomes real. I warned her a long time ago that when I say I am going to do something, I do it. And this was the proof. I promised I would be here and I am here. Anyone who knows me well knows I don't make empty promises. I don't even use that fucking word unless I know I can follow through on things.

We both were wound up tighter than a cat's tail on a porch full of rocking chairs. We got to the hotel, dumped the car at valet and headed up to the room. Top floor. King suite. Food waiting. View of the city. Score. I will take that. I had called the hotel earlier and they felt bad for me because of the delays and took care of me. The small perks of travel.

We unpacked what we needed and we both tried to relax a little. It took a while, but it finally happened. We both calmed down, realized this was happening *if* we wanted it to. If not, then hey we spend the weekend just enjoying each other's company. I think that relaxed her and it certainly relaxed me because it took the pressure off. Once the pressure was gone we both felt better and we were off to the races. Round one when from about 11 to 1. That was the introductory round. Little break for rockstar and bam round 2. That went until just a little while ago. Having less issues than the last time we were together. I am still wound up about her being married and how she seems more interested in our virtual arrangement versus a real one, but I am working around that. Dear god did I work around that. And around and around. I think we just went through more positions in five hours than the Kama Sutra does in 100 pages. I know my back is pulled but I don't care.

She is sleeping now. I may join her. Get a little rest before round 3...

Y4 D176

Today's post is going to be pretty bland compared to tomorrow's. I have a good feeling tomorrow's post will have a little more excitement to it. Why? Because tonight I fly to Portland to spend the weekend with SG. I am sorry my Oregonian friends but unless you are downtown and naked, I will be too focused on banging to do more than just wave at you. It's been 4 and a half months people. I am about to explode and you should be feeling sorry for this poor girl. I will be there for roughly 48 hours, I expect to have sex for at least 20-24 of those. IT WILL BE A FIREFIGHT... anyway...

Taught all day yesterday, made grilled chicken panninis and tomato soup for dinner. Watched Supernatural and one more X-Files. Only two more to go and we are done.

See? Yesterday = boring. I slept last night but in fits again. It was decent sleep and I hit REM, but it was for 2 hours, awake for an hour, sleep for an hour, awake for an hour, etc. I don't feel too tired, but I know I could use more.

Less than 12 hours to go. One more day of training and then bang bang bang bang bang bang...

Y4 D175

Slept in fits last night. Had really weird dreams too. In one I kept hearing the sounds of like crumpling newspaper. Like someone was taking it and making it crackle. Could have been the sound of a crackling fire as well but very much sounded like newspaper. The weird part is I was in my apartment and my dead mother was in the bathroom and I was yelling at her "I know this is a fucking dream, what the hell does that sound mean?". Odd. Then I had a dream that I have had before. I knew that too. I was in the dream and saying to myself, this is a repeat. What the hell are we doing brain? Needless to say, I did not sleep well. I did dream obviously so I don't feel tired this morning, just out of sorts trying to process what my brain was trying to tell me. Fucking brain. I hate you.

Taught yesterday. When the kid got home we went and did some early Christmas shopping. Got myself some Disney store presents, some socks for both of us, and some stuff from Bath and Bodyworks for both of us. There are already like 8 presents under the tree and it's not even Thanksgiving. Jesus. Lame.

We had fun. Her and I talked about her boy issues, her anxiety about the Disney program, and just had a good time together. It was actually nice.

Came home, made dinner, killed demons, went to bed.

More training today and tomorrow then I am on a plane to fuck.

Y4 D174

Early morning again. On one hand I like that my day was totally over at 2:30. On the other hand, getting up at 4am blows serious chunks. Catch 22. Taught class yesterday. Three more sessions to go. Class was pretty good. Standard usual machine bullshit had to be dealt with during the class. There's one service on these images that flakes during the startup process at about a 50% rate. Out of 12 machines I had to deal with 5 not working correctly. Luckily I had 7 students and was able to wiggle everyone around with a problem. Still makes for a frustrating morning especially when teaching a remote class. When it's face to face it's easier as I can run from desk to desk. Remote classes I have to pop from screen to screen which is annoying for everyone not just me.

But I got through the day. Took a little nap. The kid got home around 4:45 from school and I made us Chicken and Waffles for dinner. It just sounded good. We watched an X-Files episode. Yeah, we are still on that. Almost done though. 9 seasons down in three more episodes. I want to watch one or two tonight to close this shit out. Be ready to move onto the next show finally. I think I am going to make her watch Firefly next. It will be healthy for her.

After that we watched Wreck It Ralph. AWESOME movie. So much going on to catch. Thank you my friend for finding it. Very watchable copy until the end. The last couple of minutes go bloop on the color but otherwise totally watchable. This is a movie I will be buying. Speaking of buying shit, it looks like I will have about $400 on Amazon to spend this year on Christmas. Not bad. Not as much as I had hoped, but definitely enough to buy the kid some presents and me a couple of things. It's weird, last year I had XTGF to buy things for too and she had presents for me so there was a ton under the tree. Not so much this year. It will be lean here. Less because of money and more because I am just not feeling it. I am really not. Maybe because it's only the 14th of November. It feels like everyone is trying to cram Christmas down our throats already. I read this morning about stores opening THURSDAY NIGHT at like 8pm for 'Black Friday'. Um...

I almost wish this was over. But it's not. Only two more days and I will be fucking SG. Oh yeah, forgot about that did ya? I haven't. I leave Friday at 6pm to fly up to her, spend the weekend in the hotel, MAYBE leave it to see friends for food, fuck, then fuck, then sleep a little, then fuck, and then go home. I need to make up for lost time. You realize it has been since July 1st since I had sex?? Sucks balls.

Time to prep for class.

Y4 D173

Train keeps a rollin all night long. With a heave and ho...

I don't know.

Just out there in the nether this morning. Twixt my nether regions...

Got up decent time yesterday, worked, did a conference call which landed me a guaranteed day of mentoring next monday and the monday after. This is good because of the holiday. This week I am training from 6-2 the rest of the week, now I have monday handled for next week, that just leaves Tuesday and Wednesday. Then I have what, four days off? Damn. Amazing.

I am down to three days until I go visit SG. I haven't heard from her since Friday, but I know why. She has had 'company'. Company that stayed longer than she had expected. I knew this even though she didn't know it was going to happen. Always pays to know where the bodies are buried.

Worked on another client in the afternoon. Took care of some minor changes. After that, the kid and I went to Target and got our 'Christmas' tree. I don't feel like pulling out the big one this year so I opted for a five foot purple glittery thingamajig. It's a total Charlie Brown tree. The kind that dumb blockhead was SUPPOSED to get. I may still buy a little tiny one to put elsewhere. Because apparently Nov 12 starts Christmas these days. The hell with Thanksgiving. I really don't want to buy any more crap but whatever. I think I am going to Disneyland on 12/21. If we are still alive then it will be the perfect place to be to celebrate. If we're all dead, then even better. Side track. Sorry.

Got the tree, watched some TV, ate leftovers, played Diablo, in bed at 9. Why? Because I am up at 4 every day the rest of this week to do this training. Upside, is my day is over at 2 guilt free. Come 2pm, I will be watching a movie or playing Diablo. And I can spend this whole week in yoga pants. Beat that bitches.

Y4 D172

Yesterday was interesting. Even though I had a great time Friday and Saturday, I felt very disconnected from everything yesterday. We woke up at 7:30 yesterday morning and proceeded to pack and leave my friend's house. We were in the car by 8:15 and I was home by 9. I showered, cleaned up, unpacked, and then went to Target to get some things for the house and to get a gift for the baby shower I was attending later in the day. By the time I had run all my errands and got home it was about 11:30. This gave me two hours to cook a lasagne before leaving for the shower. No problem. I finished at 1:20. Perfect. The kid came home from work just as I was leaving for the shower. She decided not to go because she had done three late workshifts in a row and then yesterday morning. Plus her thing was coming over later in the night to make sushi. Whatever. I am so done with their 'relationship'. It is holding her back and I am about ready to pop that fucking kid in the face (him not her) but I am not saying anything until she knows if she has been accepted to the Disney program or not. She just got another email saying she is still pending. They will make a final decision by 12/14. It can't come soon enough in my mind.

I left and headed over to the party. There were about 15 people but I just wasn't there all the way. I was kind of on the sidelines. I knew I didn't want to drink because I have things to do today. I wanted to be out of there at a decent time and I managed to achieve that goal. But the whole time I was there I was just not there. I went through the motions and smiled and was nice but deep down it was more whatever.

Left around 5:30 and was home by six. The kid was making sushi as promised. I sat and read a book for a little while then played Diablo until about 8:45. Went to bed at nine. I was that tired and just done with everything. Slept well though at least.

Now I have to prep for a week long training class. This week I am training from 6-2 every day. That means up at 4:30 every day. Fun stuff.

Y4 D171

WHAT AN INCREDIBLE DAY! And night too! Got up in the morning and my poor friend was VERY hungover. I was doing pretty good. Not 100% but functional. Definitely in much better shape than she was. We got dressed and ready to go out and went shopping around 11. She was shopping for her BF for Christmas and did really well. She got a shirt 50% off, a money clip 75% less than she had budgeted, and found him a nice cologne gift set. She was really proud of herself. I got a jacket at old navy for 50% off. $27 for a nice peacoat. Plus I found a shirt for $40 that I really liked. We went to the Disney store and I got a new pin too. 958 now. We shopped for about 4 hours and then had a light sushi lunch. Went back to the apartment and took a nap until our other friend arrived. The four of us were planning to go out but her BF had to work so it ended up just being the three of us. Friend 1 who I was staying with was still tired so Friend 2 and I went off on a little adventure. We walked a few blocks to see if a store was open. It was closed unfortunately but we were both hungry and we ended up at this great little fondue place. When most people think fondue they think of special occasion big to do, but this place is changing that. We sat at the bar and had a nice small fondue and a beet salad between us. It was perfect sized and really reasonably priced. We got back to the apartment at 9 and decided where we were going. We ended up deciding to go to a Drag Show/Bar. Which meant I went in Drag mode. Essentially it turned into a girls night out. We had a BLAST. All three of us had so much fun, the show was excellent, and we drank way more than we should have. We left the club at around 1 and found ourselves in a diner chowing down. By the time we got back to the apartment it was 3am. A perfect day.

Y4 D170

Managed to get through yesterday's morning meeting without killing anyone or falling asleep. This is a positive thing, trust me. The meeting was mostly interesting as it is something I will need to learn/teach in 2013 which is why I paid attention.

After the meeting I headed to DMV where I spent two hours waiting to get the car registered. It was late, as usual, which is why I did it in person. It wouldn't have been so long but their damn computers went down when I was 5th from being next. The computers were down for almost a half hour which killed me. Otherwise it really wouldn't have been that bad of a wait.

God, I just looked at my calendar and saw magic words - NOTHING IS SCHEDULED FOR TODAY. Do you know how heavenly that is?? No show, no nothing. Sweet peace.

Anyway, got back from DMV and did a little work. The kid worked until 3:30 so she didn't get up until after 12. Can't say as I blame her. My day was done around 3. I then took the train up to the city to spend the night with friends. This time there was no pretend. I knew we were going out, I brought clothes to change into, etc. We decided in advance that I would be spending the night. Makes things easier that way. Got up here around 6 and we hung out for a while.

Then we headed out for dinner. And what a dinner we had. They took me down some random alley where there were about six restaurants. Italian, American, casual, etc. They are all owned by the same group of people which means there are some overlaps in things and the quality is going to be the same regardless of food you choose. We went to the french one and pretty much noshed. Two bottles of WONDERFUL french wine, bone marrow, escargot, carpaccio, herring, salmon, and filet. Wow. What a meal. Then dessert. Double wow. I had the soft meringue and had a foodgasm right there. The waiter loved us and brought us TWO rounds of complimentary Kir Royales. We were hammered and happy by the time we left. Three plus hour meal and it was only $100 per head. Given how much food and booze we had that wasn't bad at all. No, I didn't do my usual stupid move and pick up the bill either. I was a good boy and we split it correctly. On the way back to their place we popped into the W which had a party going on. A few 'Rose Petals' later we were laughing our asses off. We got back to their apartment at around 1:15 and crashed shortly thereafter.

Some people come into your life for a reason. These two friends are incredible people and I am blessed with having met them. They don't judge me, they don't disrespect me, and more importantly? They have nothing to do with cast. I need people who are NON cast sometimes. I know I need cast to give me that 'family' I am sometimes missing - like my dumbass father who apparently was so distraught over the election people thought he might kill himself - and while I love my sister, she's not here - anyway, there is also a gap for 'friends'. People I can just enjoy things with like dinner. These two fill that gap. They provide me what I need. Today I am spending the day helping the female half of the couple shop for the male half for Christmas. We might go out tonight which is okay because I brought enough stuff if I stay again it won't be a problem. That too was discussed in advance. I like that. Less stress.

They are still asleep but I hear stirring. Time to end this...