Saturday, March 31, 2012
Y3 D311
I wasn't planning on being up at this time. No really, I wasn't. But through a twist of good fate, I am because I have an errand to run that will take me at least two hours today and I don't want to spend the majority of it in traffic. If you remember while I was in DC about three weeks ago, the kid lost her cell phone on the train. While I was upset, it wasn't a big deal because we still had her old one and no harm no foul in the end. Yesterday at 7am I get a call from a guy at the end of the line of the train saying he has her phone. He charged it, looked through the list of numbers, found one that said 'dad' and voila. How seriously cool is that?? Of course it's an hours drive from here, but so what. It gives me something to keep my mind occupied today which I really need. I was having a pretty easy day yesterday until I put on a playlist while I was working. In the shuffle of the playlist comes on 'Whole New World'. Yes, that song. The one from Aladin. Sigh. I started to tear up a little bit. There was this one time we were in California Adventure in the World of Animation when Whole New World came on the big screen and we did the whole duet together. We didn't care about anyone around us, we did the entire song. When I heard it yesterday it was like a car crash. I wanted to turn it off, but couldn't. I had to play it through. I worked a ton yesterday mostly because I wanted to get things done. The kid worked from like 9-2 and was gone most of the day. I stopped around 4 and went to the store to get some snacks for friends who were coming over later. We had a small get together of friends from about 7pm-1am where we played D&D. I enjoyed myself. I did spend much of the night feeling bad that I was having a good time but also feeling okay because I knew she wasn't sitting at home feeling sorry for herself. I did do something yesterday - I reinstated my OKCupid profile. I don't know if anything will come of it, but I did it to make myself feel like I was moving on. It was a good move. We had fun playing and while I am tired, I am alright. Granted I woke up and thought about her first thing. What is that with me? Why are my first thoughts in the morning always of someone else? Be it X2, TXGF, the kid - it's never about me. Always someone else that I think of when I wake. Maybe that's part of my problem. And remember about 7 months ago when I said that TXGF and I have had so much sex that if we break up I will be good for a while? So true. Sex is like the last thing on my mind. Granted in the last month it wasn't like the begininning, but I am still doing fine four days into this breakup on that front. I have at least a month or so before I start moaning and bitching about that. Off to get a phone.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Y3 D310
Okay so I fucked up last night. It's okay. Gave me some closure. I tried all day to be good and not call her but at around 10 I broke down. I called her and we talked for a few minutes. Nothing major, still no anger from either of us. I could hear the tears in her voice. I think that's what I wanted to hear - that this was hard for her too. I wanted to know I wasn't suffering alone. Doesn't make what I did any better, but at least I know now and that's enough for me. I can start moving forward. I can heal.
I worked all day yesterday in the house and was starting to go a little stir crazy. Luckily a friend who has been wanting to meet me for lunch intervened. I helped her get a contract job at my company and she wanted to say thank you. I really was in the middle of things with a client and asked her how happy hour sounded instead. She agreed and we met around 4:30.
I proceeded to get drunker than a skunk and we talked and I brought her up to speed. Stalker was texting me which kept me going too. Also I was having a good conversation with another friend. I was being a little bit of a jerk because I was just going crazy on the inside, but she was good about it.
When I got home the kid was watching men in tights and I watched a little with her. We had a long talk about love and relationships. She cried, I cried and then I went into the bedroom and called her. There it is. I was doing so well but I couldn't hold back. I needed my one moment of weakness.
I will get through this like I get through everything else. I do make one smart decision last night. As I was getting ready to leave the bar, one of my friends texted me a menu from this place that was doing a whole foie and duck tasting menu. $75 per person but damn it looked good. I wanted to so bad but I knew that if I did I would end up spending way too much, drink more, and never make it home. I was able to say sorry maybe another time. That was the only smart thing I did last night.
All in all? I am alright this morning. Could be better, but I am alright. I have been mentally prepared for this to happen, not emotionally prepared, but definitely mentally. I am good. I am me. I am still sad, and it hurts, but not as bad as yesterday. Or the day before. And tomorrow will hurt a little bit less and so on and so on...
I worked all day yesterday in the house and was starting to go a little stir crazy. Luckily a friend who has been wanting to meet me for lunch intervened. I helped her get a contract job at my company and she wanted to say thank you. I really was in the middle of things with a client and asked her how happy hour sounded instead. She agreed and we met around 4:30.
I proceeded to get drunker than a skunk and we talked and I brought her up to speed. Stalker was texting me which kept me going too. Also I was having a good conversation with another friend. I was being a little bit of a jerk because I was just going crazy on the inside, but she was good about it.
When I got home the kid was watching men in tights and I watched a little with her. We had a long talk about love and relationships. She cried, I cried and then I went into the bedroom and called her. There it is. I was doing so well but I couldn't hold back. I needed my one moment of weakness.
I will get through this like I get through everything else. I do make one smart decision last night. As I was getting ready to leave the bar, one of my friends texted me a menu from this place that was doing a whole foie and duck tasting menu. $75 per person but damn it looked good. I wanted to so bad but I knew that if I did I would end up spending way too much, drink more, and never make it home. I was able to say sorry maybe another time. That was the only smart thing I did last night.
All in all? I am alright this morning. Could be better, but I am alright. I have been mentally prepared for this to happen, not emotionally prepared, but definitely mentally. I am good. I am me. I am still sad, and it hurts, but not as bad as yesterday. Or the day before. And tomorrow will hurt a little bit less and so on and so on...
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Y3 D309
Yesterday was the first day in 8 1/2 months where we didn't talk, didn't text, nothing. No contact whatsoever. Goddamn this fucking hurts. This really really hurts. I tried to do normal things yesterday. Like in the morning I got to the mall at 7am to stand in line at the Disney store. It is the Disney store's 25th anniversary and yesterday the first 250 people at each store got special edition silver Mickey ears and they had special edition figures. The ears were first come first serve and the figures at $10 were a limit two. Both of which are already on ebay for anywhere from $20 - $50. Each. Not mine, but other people who waited in line. They are already selling them for 4x what they were at the store. And while that was fun being number two in line (yes there was someone even crazier than me), it was bittersweet. Because I would have dragged her to stand in line with me yesterday. She would have swore and smacked me around for it, but I know inside she would have loved it. She would have loved the figure. She would have worn those ears proudly around the mall just like I did. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I want to look at her profile on facebook but I'm not. I want to text her to see how she is but I'm not. I KNEW this relationship would have an expiration date. I am not stupid. Doesn't make it hurt any less. The kid created an OKCupid profile for herself yesterday and tried to encourage me to create one as well but I can't. Not yet. Not there yet. Need some time to heal. Need some time to be back by myself. I have always said that in the end I will be alone. For a long long time. This is the proof. Everyone goes away. No one sticks around me. I am damaged goods. There's something wrong with me. We all know it. Came back from the store and tried to work but I couldn't focus. I ended up working on and off until about 6pm. I gave up and took the kid for sushi. Of course it was a place TXGF and I would go to for lunch when she was over and I would be working from home. Dammit I don't want to cry again. Back behind my wall. Just once I would like to write in here for an entire year and be with the same person. So fucking close this time. I honestly had hoped to make it one year. Just one year. That's all. I so badly want to text her that this is killing me and I want her back. But truth be told the best gift I could ever give her is a life without me. Hers is starting. Mine is ending. Never the twain shall meet. I had so many dreams and hopes. All false. All pipe dreams. Nothing is real. Nothing lasts. No one cares. Life is pain princess. Anyone who says different is trying to sell you something. This weekend is going to be really hard. I have a show which I don't want to go to. I still have to get through today and tomorrow before I can have my weekend. I refuse to cry again. But even writing this is causing me to well up. I have to stop now.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Y3 D308
How do I feel this morning? How about:
How could I ever think it's funny how everything that swore it wouldn't change is different now just like you would always say we'll make it through then my head fell apart and where were you? How could I ever think it's funny how everything you swore would never change is different now like you said you and me make it through didn't quite fell apart. Where the fuck were you?
We can start there. Unfortunately my head is pounding right now. I had so many lofty ideas of what to write this morning while I was in the midst of the shit storm yesterday but like all my best laid plans it's falling to pieces before my eyes. How about this then:
Gave up trying to figure it out my head got lost along the way. Worn out from giving it up my soul I pissed it all away. Still stings these shattered nerves. Pigs we get what pigs deserve. I'm going all the way down I'm leaving today.
Better? Have you figured out yet what is going on? Yep. That's right, TGF is now TXGF. It hurts like a motherfucker. It was a mutual thing and frankly we parted as friends but goddamn it hurts bad right now. It hurt yesterday and it still hurts.
I sent her a text in the morning around 7 saying "Please call me when you get up". Surprisingly she called at 10. I didn't expect her up that early. Made the day easier as it didn't drag out but it also made shit harder because I was crying by noon. I straight up asked her on the phone if she wanted the relationship to continue. She said she didn't know. That was enough for me. I changed my question - would it be EASIER if we stopped seeing each other. Yes. Fine. Eight months of having to hide things from her family and dealing with judging people and friends was wearing her down. Hell, it was wearing me down. I told her she needed to come over and we needed to do this in person not over the phone. I was not about to end it like that. She was over by 11:30. I made her a fucking to go bag. Tea, fudge, Sobe, tuna snacks. Another bag with clothes, her blanket, and other stuff. She had one with all my clothes and stuff in it. Amazing how much shit you accumulate of someone else's in just 8 months.
Fuck my head hurts. Rule #34 - you wanna play? You'd better be ready to pay.
We cried. A lot. Neither of us wanted it to end but we knew. It had run its course. It was time to move on. We parted as friends. Lovers. No, not that way. I am just saying. No malice, no animosity. We discussed it, and decided to disconnect on Facebook. That way neither of us has to see the other's updates or status messages. Of course, we both stalked each other yesterday. I have the last text messages we sent each other after it happened. She apologized. Me saying not to be sorry for being true to herself. A heart from both of us.
My friends were there. They are my rocks. The texts and messages kept me functional. My friends met me for drinks last night around 4:30. I drank for about 5 hours straight. They drove. I functioned. Barely. I did drunk text her. But I showed them and they approved. No taking my phone away. Pathetically enough, I did come home with a woman's phone number. Rebound? Duh. Need it? Double duh.
I loved her. That hasn't changed in the last 24 hours. Nor will it change. I gave her a piece of my heart. I set the bar so fucking high for any man who comes next. She took nothing from me except my love. She asked for nothing except my respect. She was, is, beautiful, smart, funny, remarkable, and has her whole life ahead of her. I am a dying shell.
Night after night, we pretend it's alright. But I have grown older and you have grown colder and nothing is very much FUN any more...
I am going to wallow in my self pity for a while. But don't worry I will be back. Back with a motherfucking vengeance. Back in style, back in shape, back in black.
Two things to remember though. First:
Whatever doesn't kill you, is gonna leave a scar
Oh yeah it will. A scar through my heart. My mask is back on. Time to hide behind the charade. Time to go back to being who I am mean to be. Time to be alone again. As expected. The other thing to remember? Well come on, that's easy...
Everyone I know, goes away in the end. You could have it all. My empire of dirt. I will LET YOU DOWN. I WILL MAKE YOU HURT...
How could I ever think it's funny how everything that swore it wouldn't change is different now just like you would always say we'll make it through then my head fell apart and where were you? How could I ever think it's funny how everything you swore would never change is different now like you said you and me make it through didn't quite fell apart. Where the fuck were you?
We can start there. Unfortunately my head is pounding right now. I had so many lofty ideas of what to write this morning while I was in the midst of the shit storm yesterday but like all my best laid plans it's falling to pieces before my eyes. How about this then:
Gave up trying to figure it out my head got lost along the way. Worn out from giving it up my soul I pissed it all away. Still stings these shattered nerves. Pigs we get what pigs deserve. I'm going all the way down I'm leaving today.
Better? Have you figured out yet what is going on? Yep. That's right, TGF is now TXGF. It hurts like a motherfucker. It was a mutual thing and frankly we parted as friends but goddamn it hurts bad right now. It hurt yesterday and it still hurts.
I sent her a text in the morning around 7 saying "Please call me when you get up". Surprisingly she called at 10. I didn't expect her up that early. Made the day easier as it didn't drag out but it also made shit harder because I was crying by noon. I straight up asked her on the phone if she wanted the relationship to continue. She said she didn't know. That was enough for me. I changed my question - would it be EASIER if we stopped seeing each other. Yes. Fine. Eight months of having to hide things from her family and dealing with judging people and friends was wearing her down. Hell, it was wearing me down. I told her she needed to come over and we needed to do this in person not over the phone. I was not about to end it like that. She was over by 11:30. I made her a fucking to go bag. Tea, fudge, Sobe, tuna snacks. Another bag with clothes, her blanket, and other stuff. She had one with all my clothes and stuff in it. Amazing how much shit you accumulate of someone else's in just 8 months.
Fuck my head hurts. Rule #34 - you wanna play? You'd better be ready to pay.
We cried. A lot. Neither of us wanted it to end but we knew. It had run its course. It was time to move on. We parted as friends. Lovers. No, not that way. I am just saying. No malice, no animosity. We discussed it, and decided to disconnect on Facebook. That way neither of us has to see the other's updates or status messages. Of course, we both stalked each other yesterday. I have the last text messages we sent each other after it happened. She apologized. Me saying not to be sorry for being true to herself. A heart from both of us.
My friends were there. They are my rocks. The texts and messages kept me functional. My friends met me for drinks last night around 4:30. I drank for about 5 hours straight. They drove. I functioned. Barely. I did drunk text her. But I showed them and they approved. No taking my phone away. Pathetically enough, I did come home with a woman's phone number. Rebound? Duh. Need it? Double duh.
I loved her. That hasn't changed in the last 24 hours. Nor will it change. I gave her a piece of my heart. I set the bar so fucking high for any man who comes next. She took nothing from me except my love. She asked for nothing except my respect. She was, is, beautiful, smart, funny, remarkable, and has her whole life ahead of her. I am a dying shell.
Night after night, we pretend it's alright. But I have grown older and you have grown colder and nothing is very much FUN any more...
I am going to wallow in my self pity for a while. But don't worry I will be back. Back with a motherfucking vengeance. Back in style, back in shape, back in black.
Two things to remember though. First:
Whatever doesn't kill you, is gonna leave a scar
Oh yeah it will. A scar through my heart. My mask is back on. Time to hide behind the charade. Time to go back to being who I am mean to be. Time to be alone again. As expected. The other thing to remember? Well come on, that's easy...
Everyone I know, goes away in the end. You could have it all. My empire of dirt. I will LET YOU DOWN. I WILL MAKE YOU HURT...
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Y3 D307
At least now I know it isn't paranoia. It's not just in my head. While it didn't happen yesterday, the end is nigh and I know it. Went to a client in the morning and that went smooth. Things were good there. Afterwards I texted TGF to see if she wanted to meet for lunch since I was near her. She agreed and we met. She was on edge and I could tell. She said it was stress of trying to finish up for finals but there was something else under the surface. I could just feel it. She also made a comment about our age difference and how it will never be accepted by her family. I said fine what do you want to do about it. She said she didn't know. I told her that she needs to figure that out and that we could talk when she is less stressed out. Mostly to see if it really is the stress of schedules and school or if she is full of shit. I have a suspicion she has met someone else and doesn't know how to tell me. Well, I can make this easy for both of us. I plan to call her out on all of it today. I am going to ask her point blank if she wants this relationship to continue or if we are done. I can't keep staying in this place of in between. What's really pissing me off is she has time to hang out with her friends after dance and get home at 1 in the morning but doesn't have time to text me? Fuck that. I don't mind if things are over, but don't ignore or lie to me. I won't tolerate either one of those. Especially being ignored. That just pisses me off. I just changed my netflix password too because I know she was using it to watch TV. Hell, I just looked and she was watching something last night AFTER I went to bed at midnight waiting for her to get home. So she was watching something but didn't have 5 minutes to fucking text me? Yeah right. I am sorry, but I don't like being played. Period. Yes this is ripping me and breaking my heart, but better to pull the bandaid and deal with it than to keep going in a state of denial. What to do with the bird? I am keeping the fucking bird whether she likes it or not. Fuck that. I will keep her season pass to Disneyland alive until it expires in October but obviously no renewal. And guess what? Even if this isn't the end, it certainly is at a point where we need to discuss things. See above for current issues. Can we work through all this? Maybe. And if we do our relationship will be better for it. If not, then we move on and all my other friends can be happy and get off my fucking back and all her friends can be happy and get off her back. If we work this out then we will have one hell of a strong relationship. If we can't then it's probably for the best.
After all that at lunch I just came home and stewed all fucking day. I watched Once, played some video games, ate dinner, and didn't do much else. The kid went out around 9 to the goth club with some friends. I don't know what time she got home. Part of me wanted to go with her, but I also need to start associating with people my own goddamn age especially in regards to her. I need to let her live her life.
Maybe this is the catharsis I have been looking for lately. Time to move again? Time for the old wanderlust to kick in? I don't know. All I know is I am hot right now. Hot as in pissed off and angry. Anger works to my advantage better than moping depression. Depression debilitates, anger motivates. That simple.
I sent her a text telling her she needs to call me when she wakes up. Let's see what happens. Wish me luck today people.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Y3 D306
On the outside -
I'm fine
On the inside -
Oh dear god please help me. I am slowly losing my sanity and don't know how to fix things. I am stuck in a loop of paranoia, doubt, and fear. I feel like I am losing all grip on reality and have no way of coming back. I am angry, sad, lonely, depressed, scared, and worried all at the same time. I don't know how much longer I can take this.
That sum it up for you? That was yesterday. And those were the good moments. I am about to be pulled six different ways again this week. I haven't seen TGF in a week as of today. But she has time to be on Facebook and go to parties and hang out with other people apparently. See? That's the shit my brain is pulling right now. Jealousy. Possession. Insecurity. Fear. All those wonderful qualities that I am keeping suppressed because if you let them out it causes too many problems. Got to keep them squished and hidden. Can't let anyone know that anything is bugging me. Have to be the rock and the pillar and role model for everyone else.
My biggest accomplishment yesterday? I finally 'finished' a game. I made it through the initial storyline on Dante's Inferno. Only bought it two years ago. Finishing it opened up a bunch of new stuff of course, but at least I can say I have played it through and have done the main story line. I can put it on the shelf and play something else all the way through now. I don't know what, but something. Someday Skyrim or Dues Ex or Mass Effect 2 or Dragon Age or... Yeah, this is why I am not buying any more games for a long time. I have plenty of gaming time left.
Jesus why is this so hard? I just want to see my girlfriend but there is just way too much going on right now. I wish I were on the road at least then there would be an excuse. I worry because this is how things started deteriorating with me and X2. I know that's a big leap and there are many other factors at work, but the gap of not seeing each sure as hell didn't help.
My stomach is also bugging the shit out of me right now. I feel like things are churning away in there. I didn't eat anything rough last night. Some pasta, turkey meatballs, some salad. Nothing excessive or damaging. I think it's other things going on in my head that are causing the problems. Causing the acid to build up and bubble.
Why can't I communicate this effectively in person? Why can I only do it on the page? I envy those who can share things out loud. I have to do it here. From behind a keyboard. In the dark. Always in the dark. My life is spent in the dark.
Didn't leave the house at all yesterday either. The kid did. She worked again. I stayed inside all day. Did nothing. Texted with a friend. She was having a rough day too and needed guidance. I provided it. One of my friends was there for me via email as well which helped. But it can't replace the human contact. That's what I am missing the most right now. I need human contact. Too long without it and I go bat shit nuts. Not just human interaction, no actual physical contact. I need to be touched. Not like that. Just the touch of another human being on my arm, my shoulder, whatever. I need to feel that or I lose it. A week without it is eating me up.
Already the emails have started. We need someone on the east coast. This is too challenging. I should have gone on site this week but didn't want to travel yet again. I would have been in an even worse place.
Fuck it. In the end it's all the same. I will end up alone. That's the real outcome of everything isn't it?
I'm fine
On the inside -
Oh dear god please help me. I am slowly losing my sanity and don't know how to fix things. I am stuck in a loop of paranoia, doubt, and fear. I feel like I am losing all grip on reality and have no way of coming back. I am angry, sad, lonely, depressed, scared, and worried all at the same time. I don't know how much longer I can take this.
That sum it up for you? That was yesterday. And those were the good moments. I am about to be pulled six different ways again this week. I haven't seen TGF in a week as of today. But she has time to be on Facebook and go to parties and hang out with other people apparently. See? That's the shit my brain is pulling right now. Jealousy. Possession. Insecurity. Fear. All those wonderful qualities that I am keeping suppressed because if you let them out it causes too many problems. Got to keep them squished and hidden. Can't let anyone know that anything is bugging me. Have to be the rock and the pillar and role model for everyone else.
My biggest accomplishment yesterday? I finally 'finished' a game. I made it through the initial storyline on Dante's Inferno. Only bought it two years ago. Finishing it opened up a bunch of new stuff of course, but at least I can say I have played it through and have done the main story line. I can put it on the shelf and play something else all the way through now. I don't know what, but something. Someday Skyrim or Dues Ex or Mass Effect 2 or Dragon Age or... Yeah, this is why I am not buying any more games for a long time. I have plenty of gaming time left.
Jesus why is this so hard? I just want to see my girlfriend but there is just way too much going on right now. I wish I were on the road at least then there would be an excuse. I worry because this is how things started deteriorating with me and X2. I know that's a big leap and there are many other factors at work, but the gap of not seeing each sure as hell didn't help.
My stomach is also bugging the shit out of me right now. I feel like things are churning away in there. I didn't eat anything rough last night. Some pasta, turkey meatballs, some salad. Nothing excessive or damaging. I think it's other things going on in my head that are causing the problems. Causing the acid to build up and bubble.
Why can't I communicate this effectively in person? Why can I only do it on the page? I envy those who can share things out loud. I have to do it here. From behind a keyboard. In the dark. Always in the dark. My life is spent in the dark.
Didn't leave the house at all yesterday either. The kid did. She worked again. I stayed inside all day. Did nothing. Texted with a friend. She was having a rough day too and needed guidance. I provided it. One of my friends was there for me via email as well which helped. But it can't replace the human contact. That's what I am missing the most right now. I need human contact. Too long without it and I go bat shit nuts. Not just human interaction, no actual physical contact. I need to be touched. Not like that. Just the touch of another human being on my arm, my shoulder, whatever. I need to feel that or I lose it. A week without it is eating me up.
Already the emails have started. We need someone on the east coast. This is too challenging. I should have gone on site this week but didn't want to travel yet again. I would have been in an even worse place.
Fuck it. In the end it's all the same. I will end up alone. That's the real outcome of everything isn't it?
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Y3 D305
I am in a bad headspace again today. I don't like this. It really drives me nuts. I don't know how to stop it either. I don't know what to do to make it better. Well I do, but I don't want to do that.
The weather was shit all day yesterday. Constant rain and gloom. Just like my mood. I tried to lighten it but I spent the day in the house which didn't help one iota. Kid took my car and worked from like 9-1 so I had no transportation and frankly I had nowhere to go anyway so it didn't really matter.
I cleaned the house. Sat around. Did a whole lot of nothing. I didn't hear from TGF until like 3 and we talked for a minute. She had been at dance, then lunch with her folks and needed to try and get homework done before she went off to a party. That's why my head was and is in a bad space. I need more contact than this. After a week of not seeing each other, this weekend is driving me up a wall.
At 5 we headed over to my friend's house to play D&D. There were 7 of us total and while it was fun, around 11 or so I started getting depressed. It really took away from me enjoying hanging out with my friends. I was just a ball of tense. The kid was drunk and loopy which was amusing but then she started to crash and since I drove everyone, we couldn't leave when we wanted which double frustrated me. I finally heard via text from TGF around midnight. We exchanged a few texts but I don't know where she slept last night. I assume she stayed at the house where the party was because she didn't want to drive. I mean it's what people do at my parties so it's no surprise. Let's see what time I hear from her today.
We got home around 1:30 and the kid crashed. I couldn't sleep. I finally fell asleep around 3 and got up a few minutes ago around 8.
Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. I hate my brain.
The weather was shit all day yesterday. Constant rain and gloom. Just like my mood. I tried to lighten it but I spent the day in the house which didn't help one iota. Kid took my car and worked from like 9-1 so I had no transportation and frankly I had nowhere to go anyway so it didn't really matter.
I cleaned the house. Sat around. Did a whole lot of nothing. I didn't hear from TGF until like 3 and we talked for a minute. She had been at dance, then lunch with her folks and needed to try and get homework done before she went off to a party. That's why my head was and is in a bad space. I need more contact than this. After a week of not seeing each other, this weekend is driving me up a wall.
At 5 we headed over to my friend's house to play D&D. There were 7 of us total and while it was fun, around 11 or so I started getting depressed. It really took away from me enjoying hanging out with my friends. I was just a ball of tense. The kid was drunk and loopy which was amusing but then she started to crash and since I drove everyone, we couldn't leave when we wanted which double frustrated me. I finally heard via text from TGF around midnight. We exchanged a few texts but I don't know where she slept last night. I assume she stayed at the house where the party was because she didn't want to drive. I mean it's what people do at my parties so it's no surprise. Let's see what time I hear from her today.
We got home around 1:30 and the kid crashed. I couldn't sleep. I finally fell asleep around 3 and got up a few minutes ago around 8.
Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. I hate my brain.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Y3 D304
I hate my stupid brain sometimes. It spends too much time thinking about things and making things up and sending me down paths I don't want to go down. Spent the morning working on one client only for once which was a refreshing change for the week. Speaking of that I have to remember to enter in all my time and finally catch up on time cards. I am about three weeks behind and am going to get shit for it soon if I don't take care of it today. Should only take me like 20 minutes to do, it's just a matter of doing it. Anyway, spent the morning working. Heard from TGF via text in the mid-afternoon. She had class in the morning then was planning on spending the afternoon with friends. This is the first weekend I haven't seen her in months and of course this is what is sending the brain into overdrive. Maybe she is tired of me. Maybe she is realizing she needs to do other things. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Stop it brain.
I had a corned beef in the fridge and put that into the slow cooker around 10am. Made the house smell really good all day at least. The house may be a mess but at least it smells good. Today is a total house cleaning day for sure.
Around 2 I had enough and decided we should go get ice cream. I grabbed the kid and our friend, hopped on public transportation and headed to the city for some might fine ice cream. I had a bourbon coke float which was awesome. We stopped at a mexican bakery and picked up some pastries as well. I love how you can get 5 giant pastries for $2.30 at one of those places.
I did that mostly to keep myself distracted. We got back about 5 and the corned beef was ready to go. Hadn't heard anything more from TGF which started the brain in again. Ate, hung out for a while, and our friend went home around 8. I played some video games and the kid went online for a while. Around 9 I finally heard from TGF. Her day? They hung out at a coffee shop and caught up since she hadn't seen this group of friends in months. Yeah. My brain going over time while she is sitting with friends having coffee. Bad brain.
We talked for a while and I went to bed around 10:30. That was my day. Today I am cleaning and getting ready for a night of D&D with friends. TGF is off to a party. On one hand it's good we are having some time to ourselves. On the other, I am too set in my ways. I am too used to being married/living with someone that times like this drive me nuts.
Sigh. Grin and bear it. it's all I can do.
I had a corned beef in the fridge and put that into the slow cooker around 10am. Made the house smell really good all day at least. The house may be a mess but at least it smells good. Today is a total house cleaning day for sure.
Around 2 I had enough and decided we should go get ice cream. I grabbed the kid and our friend, hopped on public transportation and headed to the city for some might fine ice cream. I had a bourbon coke float which was awesome. We stopped at a mexican bakery and picked up some pastries as well. I love how you can get 5 giant pastries for $2.30 at one of those places.
I did that mostly to keep myself distracted. We got back about 5 and the corned beef was ready to go. Hadn't heard anything more from TGF which started the brain in again. Ate, hung out for a while, and our friend went home around 8. I played some video games and the kid went online for a while. Around 9 I finally heard from TGF. Her day? They hung out at a coffee shop and caught up since she hadn't seen this group of friends in months. Yeah. My brain going over time while she is sitting with friends having coffee. Bad brain.
We talked for a while and I went to bed around 10:30. That was my day. Today I am cleaning and getting ready for a night of D&D with friends. TGF is off to a party. On one hand it's good we are having some time to ourselves. On the other, I am too set in my ways. I am too used to being married/living with someone that times like this drive me nuts.
Sigh. Grin and bear it. it's all I can do.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Y3 D303
I had the weirdest revelation last night. I realized that the floor plan of my friend's house is EXACTLY the same as one I lived in when I was about 12. The houses are maybe a mile or so apart so it's not impossible that the same builder did them. The difference too is the one I lived in had been added onto with an additional bedroom and family room. Otherwise the two houes are exactly the same. I can't wait until I am over there again and point this out to them. It was just a really weird moment when that hit me.
Spent the day at a conference where I manned a demo station. It was for a user group meeting and there were about 100-125 folks in attendance. The day started at 6:30 and wrapped up around 3. I spoke to a number of people and had a good time of it. I also managed to convince my bosses to order me new business cards that finally say Rockstar on them. Oh yeah.
Got home around 3:30 and played with my new toy I also got them to pay for after some wheedling. I got an Apple TV 3rd generation. I can't believe the size difference over the first one. I also remembered why I had one in the first place. Seriously, I really need to kill Direct TV. I don't know why I can't pull the trigger. It's not like my life is going to be over. I know that one show I watch is over in 8 episodes. This means that the other couple of shows I watch will also be over roughly the same time. That's when I finally do it. No excuses no pain. Just unplug and rearrange everything. Canceling your TV for some reason is harder than you think. Maybe because my generation grew up in front of broadcast television and it's so ingrained in me. But it has to go. I am tired of it.
Watched some tv with the kid and ate leftover sandwiches that I brought home from the conference. Haven't seen TGF this week at all and might not see her this weekend for once. She has major papers and projects due next week for finals and has to stay in. All the running around we usually do on a weekend is catching up to her and she needs the time to finish her projects.
I do worry I am not good enough for her. It's not a bad thing though. By worrying I am not taking her for granted. I am constantly making sure our relationship is strong, healthy, and good instead of letting things fester or go unseen. I really do believe this. In past relationships I have been oblivious to things going on right under my nose because I assumed and took things for granted. We are coming up on almost a year together and I would really like to hit that milestone as arbitrary as it might be. Mostly because I would like to know I have the social and relationship skills to keep a partner for a year without fucking things up for once.
You notice how I have been a lot less 'fucked up' if you will lately? None of my usual screwing things up. I haven't been drinking as regularly as I did. I haven't done or said anything to get me into trouble at the same frequency as before. Only took me 20 years to grow up I guess?
I don't know. I am rambling now because thoughts are overflowing. While I understand why I may not see her this weekend, and it's perfectly normal and rational in a relationship to have times where you don't see each other, I am of course letting paranoia creep into my head. I am trying to block it and fight it which is where some of these words are coming from today.
Time to work on one client then take a relaxing afternoon.
Spent the day at a conference where I manned a demo station. It was for a user group meeting and there were about 100-125 folks in attendance. The day started at 6:30 and wrapped up around 3. I spoke to a number of people and had a good time of it. I also managed to convince my bosses to order me new business cards that finally say Rockstar on them. Oh yeah.
Got home around 3:30 and played with my new toy I also got them to pay for after some wheedling. I got an Apple TV 3rd generation. I can't believe the size difference over the first one. I also remembered why I had one in the first place. Seriously, I really need to kill Direct TV. I don't know why I can't pull the trigger. It's not like my life is going to be over. I know that one show I watch is over in 8 episodes. This means that the other couple of shows I watch will also be over roughly the same time. That's when I finally do it. No excuses no pain. Just unplug and rearrange everything. Canceling your TV for some reason is harder than you think. Maybe because my generation grew up in front of broadcast television and it's so ingrained in me. But it has to go. I am tired of it.
Watched some tv with the kid and ate leftover sandwiches that I brought home from the conference. Haven't seen TGF this week at all and might not see her this weekend for once. She has major papers and projects due next week for finals and has to stay in. All the running around we usually do on a weekend is catching up to her and she needs the time to finish her projects.
I do worry I am not good enough for her. It's not a bad thing though. By worrying I am not taking her for granted. I am constantly making sure our relationship is strong, healthy, and good instead of letting things fester or go unseen. I really do believe this. In past relationships I have been oblivious to things going on right under my nose because I assumed and took things for granted. We are coming up on almost a year together and I would really like to hit that milestone as arbitrary as it might be. Mostly because I would like to know I have the social and relationship skills to keep a partner for a year without fucking things up for once.
You notice how I have been a lot less 'fucked up' if you will lately? None of my usual screwing things up. I haven't been drinking as regularly as I did. I haven't done or said anything to get me into trouble at the same frequency as before. Only took me 20 years to grow up I guess?
I don't know. I am rambling now because thoughts are overflowing. While I understand why I may not see her this weekend, and it's perfectly normal and rational in a relationship to have times where you don't see each other, I am of course letting paranoia creep into my head. I am trying to block it and fight it which is where some of these words are coming from today.
Time to work on one client then take a relaxing afternoon.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Y3 D302
I enjoyed my quiet day yesterday. I worked and worked and then worked some more. But it paid off. When I finished something around 3 yesterday I sent an email to the group and my client responded with:
"every time I see an email from you I sigh with relief"
He has had so many bad experiences with outside help that to him I am a breath of fresh air because I actually get things done. It's hilarious too because I felt I should have been done with this Tuesday and not Wednesday. Perspective I guess.
But that about sums up yesterday. I did laundry during the day as well. Took care of some emails from other clients. Made pasta last night with campanelle, chicken, cheese, tomatoes, onion, dill, and carrots. Now have plenty left for the week which is good.
Not much else to report. Talked to TGF during the day for a little while. She had class followed by dance and didn't get home until late so just the one time. I am getting much better at that by the way. I started thinking about that again. Just because you are in a relationship it doesn't mean you need to see or even talk to each other every single day. A quick text can be enough to get you through. I know people who go multiple days without talking to their SO. The fact that we haven't seen each other since Sunday but talked/texted every day is good.
Off to speak at a User Group all day. At some point I need some sleep. This is certain. I am feeling very sleep deprived.
"every time I see an email from you I sigh with relief"
He has had so many bad experiences with outside help that to him I am a breath of fresh air because I actually get things done. It's hilarious too because I felt I should have been done with this Tuesday and not Wednesday. Perspective I guess.
But that about sums up yesterday. I did laundry during the day as well. Took care of some emails from other clients. Made pasta last night with campanelle, chicken, cheese, tomatoes, onion, dill, and carrots. Now have plenty left for the week which is good.
Not much else to report. Talked to TGF during the day for a little while. She had class followed by dance and didn't get home until late so just the one time. I am getting much better at that by the way. I started thinking about that again. Just because you are in a relationship it doesn't mean you need to see or even talk to each other every single day. A quick text can be enough to get you through. I know people who go multiple days without talking to their SO. The fact that we haven't seen each other since Sunday but talked/texted every day is good.
Off to speak at a User Group all day. At some point I need some sleep. This is certain. I am feeling very sleep deprived.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Y3 D301
Normally I don't mind having an east coast client, but right now I have two and it's killing me. They are both up and expecting things at 5:00am my time which means in order to do my own stuff before jumping into theirs, I have to be up at 4:30 and that ain't happening right now. I am still sleep deprived from the weekend and having a hard time of it. I worked as much as I could on everybody's stuff yesterday but it wasn't enough apparently. They want more. Always want more. The only upside is after 2pm I get a reprieve from the emails and phone calls. Downside is after 2pm is when I actually get things accomplished. Catch 22 from hell.
That was my day yesterday. I even got to the point where I couldn't function in my normal spot. I literally needed three machines at once to make everyone happy so I tore up the dining room area where the desk is and added a desk extension out of a cabinet I have. I now have three computers all lined up in a row where I can work without problem. Or at least a little easier.
Talked to TGF a couple of times yesterday. She is getting ready for finals so was actually up 'early' yesterday even though she didn't have class. She met with a study group from like 11-2 to get stuff done for her English class. Then she hung out with friends until about 10 when we talked again. Didn't have much to say unfortunately. I am just not very good on the phone sometimes and it makes me feel awkward. I don't know why, but I am just meh when it comes to talking on the phone. I prefer face to face or to talk when there is something to talk about.
Given both of our schedules this week I probably won't see her until Friday and even that is up in the air. Might not be until Saturday. Oh well. We see each other quite a bit and a break won't kill us. I sometimes forget this is how normal couples are. You can go a few days without seeing each other. Hell, if we didn't talk for a day it wouldn't kill us either. But that would be harder. Much harder. I need to hear her voice or at least get a text.
The kid worked from 8-3 yesterday and then we went to the grocery store. She was wanting chicken and waffles for dinner and I obliged. We needed some basic stuff in the house anyway. Today is her long day and my quiet day. I will get laundry done, and enjoy the solitude as I mentioned yesterday. We ate dinner and watched TV together. She is doing better about the whole boyfriend thing but not quite over it yet. She needs some time.
Something is on the horizon. I feel it in my bones. I don't know what but it is there.
That was my day yesterday. I even got to the point where I couldn't function in my normal spot. I literally needed three machines at once to make everyone happy so I tore up the dining room area where the desk is and added a desk extension out of a cabinet I have. I now have three computers all lined up in a row where I can work without problem. Or at least a little easier.
Talked to TGF a couple of times yesterday. She is getting ready for finals so was actually up 'early' yesterday even though she didn't have class. She met with a study group from like 11-2 to get stuff done for her English class. Then she hung out with friends until about 10 when we talked again. Didn't have much to say unfortunately. I am just not very good on the phone sometimes and it makes me feel awkward. I don't know why, but I am just meh when it comes to talking on the phone. I prefer face to face or to talk when there is something to talk about.
Given both of our schedules this week I probably won't see her until Friday and even that is up in the air. Might not be until Saturday. Oh well. We see each other quite a bit and a break won't kill us. I sometimes forget this is how normal couples are. You can go a few days without seeing each other. Hell, if we didn't talk for a day it wouldn't kill us either. But that would be harder. Much harder. I need to hear her voice or at least get a text.
The kid worked from 8-3 yesterday and then we went to the grocery store. She was wanting chicken and waffles for dinner and I obliged. We needed some basic stuff in the house anyway. Today is her long day and my quiet day. I will get laundry done, and enjoy the solitude as I mentioned yesterday. We ate dinner and watched TV together. She is doing better about the whole boyfriend thing but not quite over it yet. She needs some time.
Something is on the horizon. I feel it in my bones. I don't know what but it is there.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Y3 D300
Hey only 65 days to go in this year's worth of writing and we start year 4! Yay?
Yesterday ended up being long as expected. I think in part because I can feel a cold coming on. All the travel, time changes, and weather changes are finally catching up to me. I fell asleep at 9:30 last night and just woke up. My body needed the rest.
Got up yesterday and spent time on one of my east coast clients followed by a drive and three hours onsite with one of my locals clients followed by coming home and working on the other east coast client. In between I had to stop by TGF's because her ID was still in my wallet from the weekend. Luckily she didn't need it yesterday morning.
The kid was at class from 3-9 and I was alone during that time but I worked until 5 something. Then I played some video games, picked up the kid, and went to bed. Yep that was my day.
I did have some moments of loneliness in there but I think it was just the first time in four days I had actually been by myself for more than a half hour and it was odd. When I think about it, for the last week plus, I have been around people pretty much non-stop. Tomorrow is my 'alone' day as the kid has school all day and TGF had dance plus school. I am actually looking forward to the peace and solitude.
Time to work. The east coast folks are already sending multiple emails while I type this.
Yesterday ended up being long as expected. I think in part because I can feel a cold coming on. All the travel, time changes, and weather changes are finally catching up to me. I fell asleep at 9:30 last night and just woke up. My body needed the rest.
Got up yesterday and spent time on one of my east coast clients followed by a drive and three hours onsite with one of my locals clients followed by coming home and working on the other east coast client. In between I had to stop by TGF's because her ID was still in my wallet from the weekend. Luckily she didn't need it yesterday morning.
The kid was at class from 3-9 and I was alone during that time but I worked until 5 something. Then I played some video games, picked up the kid, and went to bed. Yep that was my day.
I did have some moments of loneliness in there but I think it was just the first time in four days I had actually been by myself for more than a half hour and it was odd. When I think about it, for the last week plus, I have been around people pretty much non-stop. Tomorrow is my 'alone' day as the kid has school all day and TGF had dance plus school. I am actually looking forward to the peace and solitude.
Time to work. The east coast folks are already sending multiple emails while I type this.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Y3 D299
I am impressed with myself that I am up and functional this morning. I am so damn tired and it's going to be a busy week I am afraid. This morning alone I have to work on three different clients. I have already started in with one, am driving to the second in a few hours, then coming back to work on the third. It's going to be a busy day. Yesterday was okay. TGF and I went to sleep for a little while when we got home. I had to go pick up the kid at 1, but TGF kept sleeping until about 2:30. It wasn't bad, I woke up at noon which isn't too outrageous for a Sunday. But for the rest of the day I was exhausted. Got a chance to talk to the kid about everything. She was doing well in the afternoon but crashed around 7 mentally. For the most part we just hung out at home. I caved in and ordered a pizza for all of us since there are no groceries in the house right now. One downside to her breaking up with KBF is that he was teaching her to cook more for herself. Now she is back to not knowing how to function in the kitchen. We put our new pins on the board. Holy crap we have too many of these damn things now. It's a little insane to be honest with you. I think once I get to four figures worth I will back off a bit. We are over 300 right now and that's not too bad for only a little over one year of collecting. Start limiting myself to 25 a month maybe. They have 68,000 so it's not like I am in any jeopardy of running out of ones to find any time soon. Watched some TV including Project Runway part one finale and started watching 2 hours of 10th Kingdom. I was planning on going to bed right after TGF left around 8:30/9ish, but I fell asleep on the couch until 11. Crawled off to bed and here we are. I need to shower and wake up. Ugh.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Y3 D298
Been home a little while but was too tired to do anything except go to bed for a few hours. What a day yesterday. Insane.
We got up around 6:30 when room service brought breakfast. It was nice sitting in the room and having breakfast in bed even if it wasn't anything exciting. TGF had some bacon and eggs and I had an egg white omelet. We lounged and got over to the park around 8:45. I texted the kid at that point to see how she was doing. Her response was 'I just went to bed two hours ago so ask me later'. Nice. I think having friends around helped her big time. Our friends were still having breakfast so we wandered around starting our pin trading. We got our picture taken with Goofy and by the time we met them around 9:15 we already had 12 new pins. Once we all hooked up we went on Star Tours and then headed over to CA for Tower of Terror. We rode that twice and then let the our friend the birthday girl set the agenda. She wanted to do everything at CA which was weird for us because we normally just do ToT and CA Screaming. But the rain was coming down and we ended up doing NEW things. How often is it you can go somewhere you go every four weeks and end up doing something? We went on Monsters Inc, saw the Muppet 3D show, Bugs Life, Tron, and had a blast. We had lunch at the Italian place and ended up spending more time in CA in that morning that we had our entire last visit. After that back to Disney for more rides and pins and rain.
The rain was coming down all day in buckets but we all had plastic ponchos and sucked it up. It was wonderful. The park had nobody in it because of the rain. We walked right on to Pirates, Haunted Mansion, Thunder Mountain, and more in the middle of the afternoon on a Saturday. The only bummer to the rain was it caused our reservation for dinner to be canceled because it was outdoors at the BBQ. Oh well. Our friends left around six as they were meeting some old friends for dinner then heading off to the show. The woman was guest performing for another cast and we were going to meet up with them in LA later to see the show.
We went back to CA for dinner and more pins and rides and world of color. In the end we got 69 new pins total and had one of the best days in the parks that we have had in months. No crowds, no stress, and had fun. Thank you rain.
We headed to the theater around 10. It was so weird being on the other side and actually watching another cast. All I know is our director and our performers are lucky they have a tech crew that is as awesome as we are. Seriously. Plus as a cast overall, we are light years better. It's too much to go into in minutia but at the end of the day, we blow these guys away.
Left the theater about 2:30 and just took our time getting home. I almost squished a coyote who wanted to run across the freeway but otherwise an uneventful drive home. Off to get the kid.
We got up around 6:30 when room service brought breakfast. It was nice sitting in the room and having breakfast in bed even if it wasn't anything exciting. TGF had some bacon and eggs and I had an egg white omelet. We lounged and got over to the park around 8:45. I texted the kid at that point to see how she was doing. Her response was 'I just went to bed two hours ago so ask me later'. Nice. I think having friends around helped her big time. Our friends were still having breakfast so we wandered around starting our pin trading. We got our picture taken with Goofy and by the time we met them around 9:15 we already had 12 new pins. Once we all hooked up we went on Star Tours and then headed over to CA for Tower of Terror. We rode that twice and then let the our friend the birthday girl set the agenda. She wanted to do everything at CA which was weird for us because we normally just do ToT and CA Screaming. But the rain was coming down and we ended up doing NEW things. How often is it you can go somewhere you go every four weeks and end up doing something? We went on Monsters Inc, saw the Muppet 3D show, Bugs Life, Tron, and had a blast. We had lunch at the Italian place and ended up spending more time in CA in that morning that we had our entire last visit. After that back to Disney for more rides and pins and rain.
The rain was coming down all day in buckets but we all had plastic ponchos and sucked it up. It was wonderful. The park had nobody in it because of the rain. We walked right on to Pirates, Haunted Mansion, Thunder Mountain, and more in the middle of the afternoon on a Saturday. The only bummer to the rain was it caused our reservation for dinner to be canceled because it was outdoors at the BBQ. Oh well. Our friends left around six as they were meeting some old friends for dinner then heading off to the show. The woman was guest performing for another cast and we were going to meet up with them in LA later to see the show.
We went back to CA for dinner and more pins and rides and world of color. In the end we got 69 new pins total and had one of the best days in the parks that we have had in months. No crowds, no stress, and had fun. Thank you rain.
We headed to the theater around 10. It was so weird being on the other side and actually watching another cast. All I know is our director and our performers are lucky they have a tech crew that is as awesome as we are. Seriously. Plus as a cast overall, we are light years better. It's too much to go into in minutia but at the end of the day, we blow these guys away.
Left the theater about 2:30 and just took our time getting home. I almost squished a coyote who wanted to run across the freeway but otherwise an uneventful drive home. Off to get the kid.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Y3 D297
Yesterday ended up being really exciting, really boring, really fun, and really sad all at the same time. Got up around 5 something to take that 6am conference call. The call went well. I may end up going to SC in a week but that's a week from now and I will deal with it then. I had a second call unplanned, with the DC folks right after. I was barely awake for both. The kid got up around 8 and was sad that she couldn't go with us to Disneyland but happy because she was going to see KBF after work. That was about to change...
I did some quick grocery shopping after taking her to work around 9. Nothing major just some cat food and snacks for my trip. Got back around 9:30 and waited patiently for TGF to get there. She got to my place around 11 and we were on the road at 11:30. It was later than I wanted but wasn't bad overall. It took us about 7 hours to get here. Which given that it was rush hour traffic is not horrible. The weather held out for us and we were able to get here without any incident.
Except for the exciting parts which were the multiple times people almost squished us, the guys in the VW who decided to flip me off and mess with me because they were bored, and the semi-sandwich we almost became when a couple of freeways merged. A typical drive to Disneyland I guess.
Got to the hotel and the room here is really nice. Unlike the room I just left in DC which was a total ripoff at $300 a night, this one is beautiful for being free. I think this is the hotel we are going to stay at when we come down here this summer. I have enough points for us to have six days here which we probably won't use all of, but it's nice to know we have them.
My phone wasn't taking a charge on the way down and I had turned it off at some point until I could get it charged back up.
We met our friends who were already here. It was another couple and it is the woman's birthday this weekend. This is one of the reasons we came, to help her celebrate. We met with them, went to Calif Adventures to watch ElecTRONica and that's when I turned my phone back on...
First message from KBF - You need to call [the kid] when you can
From the kid - Call me when you can
Hey I just got dumped call me
Daaaaaaaaaaaad
Aw shit.
I was able to talk to her for a few before my phone died and essentially he dumped her knowing full well I was out of town. We think it's because he was afraid of getting his ass kicked. She was really broken up about it. I told her I was making some calls to make sure she wasn't alone. I made one call. Next I know I am getting texts from 10 different people asking if they should kick KBF's ass. I told them all to wait until I got home, but make sure she wasn't alone. He dumped her in an asshole way - 'I like you but I am not in LOVE with you'. Douchebag.
From there we went on rides, collected pins (19 in one night!!), and had some food. We only did Indiana Jones, the submarine, and one other which I forget, but it was fun.
We left the park around 11:30 and I called the kid when I got in around midnight. She had three friends over, they were pretty high, drunk, and she was doing much better. I told her she shouldn't worry because this showed how many people out there love her. She agreed and I could tell she was doing okay. She is going to hang out in the city today with friends.
We are waiting for food to arrive, then heading back to the park to meet up with our friends. Today's agenda is Star Tours followed by MORE pins!
Breakfast just arrived. Time to eat.
I did some quick grocery shopping after taking her to work around 9. Nothing major just some cat food and snacks for my trip. Got back around 9:30 and waited patiently for TGF to get there. She got to my place around 11 and we were on the road at 11:30. It was later than I wanted but wasn't bad overall. It took us about 7 hours to get here. Which given that it was rush hour traffic is not horrible. The weather held out for us and we were able to get here without any incident.
Except for the exciting parts which were the multiple times people almost squished us, the guys in the VW who decided to flip me off and mess with me because they were bored, and the semi-sandwich we almost became when a couple of freeways merged. A typical drive to Disneyland I guess.
Got to the hotel and the room here is really nice. Unlike the room I just left in DC which was a total ripoff at $300 a night, this one is beautiful for being free. I think this is the hotel we are going to stay at when we come down here this summer. I have enough points for us to have six days here which we probably won't use all of, but it's nice to know we have them.
My phone wasn't taking a charge on the way down and I had turned it off at some point until I could get it charged back up.
We met our friends who were already here. It was another couple and it is the woman's birthday this weekend. This is one of the reasons we came, to help her celebrate. We met with them, went to Calif Adventures to watch ElecTRONica and that's when I turned my phone back on...
First message from KBF - You need to call [the kid] when you can
From the kid - Call me when you can
Hey I just got dumped call me
Daaaaaaaaaaaad
Aw shit.
I was able to talk to her for a few before my phone died and essentially he dumped her knowing full well I was out of town. We think it's because he was afraid of getting his ass kicked. She was really broken up about it. I told her I was making some calls to make sure she wasn't alone. I made one call. Next I know I am getting texts from 10 different people asking if they should kick KBF's ass. I told them all to wait until I got home, but make sure she wasn't alone. He dumped her in an asshole way - 'I like you but I am not in LOVE with you'. Douchebag.
From there we went on rides, collected pins (19 in one night!!), and had some food. We only did Indiana Jones, the submarine, and one other which I forget, but it was fun.
We left the park around 11:30 and I called the kid when I got in around midnight. She had three friends over, they were pretty high, drunk, and she was doing much better. I told her she shouldn't worry because this showed how many people out there love her. She agreed and I could tell she was doing okay. She is going to hang out in the city today with friends.
We are waiting for food to arrive, then heading back to the park to meet up with our friends. Today's agenda is Star Tours followed by MORE pins!
Breakfast just arrived. Time to eat.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Y3 D296
Oh my fucking god. 15 hours to get home yesterday. 15 fucking hours. Ugh.
I was up at 5est, met my colleague for breakfast at 7, took the train to the airport little after that, and was through security at 10am est. My first flight didn't end up leaving until 1. I get to JFK stressed because my second flight was scheduled to board at 3 and I arrived at 2:25. But when I get to the gate? Oh no, we are delayed until 5:30 at the earliest. Fuck. Remember, I have been on the other side of security since 10 with no smokes. I am cool and holding on, but damn if I am not getting tired already. My tablet died on this trip so I have nothing to watch or play, I am carrying two bags because the client made me take a laptop home, and I can't risk going outside because the plane is delayed due to weather at home and they could start boarding any minute. Fuck. 4:40 we board. We then sit on the runway because of everyone else who is backed up. We don't actually take off until 6:30pm. EST mind you. It's then a six and a half hour flight. When we land, everything is backed up so it takes a half hour to get to the gate and off the plane. Then another half hour to get home.
Upside is that while I was gone the kid stepped up and cleaned the house. I walked into a perfectly clean house with all the pets alive. Right on. Thank you kid.
So why am I up? Because I have a six am conference call with another east coast client. I don't know how useful I am going to be this morning, but I will be on the call. I am supposed to go to Disneyland today and that's all I am focusing on right now. Get through the morning, get in the car, go to Disneyland.
My day was literally very boring yesterday since it was spend in airports and metal tubes. I was so wired when I got home I didn't even unpack. Just the basics out of the bag to function.
Conference call. Bleh.
I was up at 5est, met my colleague for breakfast at 7, took the train to the airport little after that, and was through security at 10am est. My first flight didn't end up leaving until 1. I get to JFK stressed because my second flight was scheduled to board at 3 and I arrived at 2:25. But when I get to the gate? Oh no, we are delayed until 5:30 at the earliest. Fuck. Remember, I have been on the other side of security since 10 with no smokes. I am cool and holding on, but damn if I am not getting tired already. My tablet died on this trip so I have nothing to watch or play, I am carrying two bags because the client made me take a laptop home, and I can't risk going outside because the plane is delayed due to weather at home and they could start boarding any minute. Fuck. 4:40 we board. We then sit on the runway because of everyone else who is backed up. We don't actually take off until 6:30pm. EST mind you. It's then a six and a half hour flight. When we land, everything is backed up so it takes a half hour to get to the gate and off the plane. Then another half hour to get home.
Upside is that while I was gone the kid stepped up and cleaned the house. I walked into a perfectly clean house with all the pets alive. Right on. Thank you kid.
So why am I up? Because I have a six am conference call with another east coast client. I don't know how useful I am going to be this morning, but I will be on the call. I am supposed to go to Disneyland today and that's all I am focusing on right now. Get through the morning, get in the car, go to Disneyland.
My day was literally very boring yesterday since it was spend in airports and metal tubes. I was so wired when I got home I didn't even unpack. Just the basics out of the bag to function.
Conference call. Bleh.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Y3 D295
I should be very stressed out this morning but for some reason I am taking things in stride. I am out of money, the kid lost her phone, I am being asked to speak at a conference with no prep material or time, and yet, I am relatively calm right now. I don't know what this says about me. Is it that things are so overwhelming I have capitulated to a fuck it stand point or am I just learning how to handle life better? One of the two for sure.
Went into the office early yesterday. Stopped at Lincoln's Waffle House. Had steak, eggs, and grits. Not too shabby for $7. This is 100% a federal client and these guys do not start even one minute before 9am. We ended up sitting for a 1/2 hour twiddling our thumbs. But once we got in, it was a really productive day. These guys are very impressed by what I was able to accomplish quickly. I am leaving with a positive image.
Got back to the hotel around 6. The weather here is PERFECT. It was about 75 with a light breeze last night. It was a great walk back. I got a little warm on the way back, but not bad. Not hot, just warm. We met up around 7:30 with a couple of our co-workers who happen to be in VA for another client. The four of us went out to dinner at a chophouse. Not bad. $200 for 4 with drinks is not a bad tab. Heavy meal though. A little too starchy for me. I had the lamb chops and they came with what felt like 5 lbs of potatoes.
Got back to the room around 11 after walking by the white house again. It was cool to see it at night.
This morning I am sitting around until a 1pm flight. I am going to try and get on an earlier one, but no promises.
Now to deal with the kid's phone issue...
Went into the office early yesterday. Stopped at Lincoln's Waffle House. Had steak, eggs, and grits. Not too shabby for $7. This is 100% a federal client and these guys do not start even one minute before 9am. We ended up sitting for a 1/2 hour twiddling our thumbs. But once we got in, it was a really productive day. These guys are very impressed by what I was able to accomplish quickly. I am leaving with a positive image.
Got back to the hotel around 6. The weather here is PERFECT. It was about 75 with a light breeze last night. It was a great walk back. I got a little warm on the way back, but not bad. Not hot, just warm. We met up around 7:30 with a couple of our co-workers who happen to be in VA for another client. The four of us went out to dinner at a chophouse. Not bad. $200 for 4 with drinks is not a bad tab. Heavy meal though. A little too starchy for me. I had the lamb chops and they came with what felt like 5 lbs of potatoes.
Got back to the room around 11 after walking by the white house again. It was cool to see it at night.
This morning I am sitting around until a 1pm flight. I am going to try and get on an earlier one, but no promises.
Now to deal with the kid's phone issue...
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Y3 D294
Yesterday was rough for me, no lying. It wasn't the head that was bugging me, just the stomach. I had a major upset stomach all day. Pure acid. So bad I didn't have a single rockstar all day. I know, right? I felt it from the minute I came to that it was going to be a bad day. On the way in we stopped at CVS where I got some Advil thank goodness. Four advil and the head was fine, but the stomach was still bitching. Around 9 I decided to go up to the cafeteria to see if they had some bread or something. I got a thing of California roll hoping the plain rice would settle me down. It didn't. Nor did the entire package of tums I ate all day.
Work itself was good. I managed to meet the client's needs on one part of the project much to their pleasure and surprise. The last guy they had in didn't do dick in two months, let alone solve a problem in two days. Hey, that's what you pay us for right?
And before I forget - HAPPY PI DAY! Who doesn't love pi?
Okay back to the day. Left the client around 5, came back to the hotel, and chatted with TGF. I walked back from the hotel and had a chance to do a little site seeing again. Saw the Ford Theater where Lincoln was shot.
Met up with my co-worker around 7 and we went off in search of a steak. Unfortunately without a reservation it was impossible or just too damn expensive. One place want $60 for a piece of shit cut. Um no. We ended up at a decent italian place where I had a duck breast served on pasta with some nice mushrooms. The weather here is perfect and it was about 65 and clear as we walked around from the hotel to the different places. Got to see the White House all lit up at night. Pretty. It really was. I am not super captain america but it was still cool.
Got back to the room around 9:30, watched Breakout Kings, and went to bed. Unfortunately I didn't fall asleep until 11, but I did sleep wonderfully.
Not sure what's on the agenda today, but I am in a much better place today to handle it.
Work itself was good. I managed to meet the client's needs on one part of the project much to their pleasure and surprise. The last guy they had in didn't do dick in two months, let alone solve a problem in two days. Hey, that's what you pay us for right?
And before I forget - HAPPY PI DAY! Who doesn't love pi?
Okay back to the day. Left the client around 5, came back to the hotel, and chatted with TGF. I walked back from the hotel and had a chance to do a little site seeing again. Saw the Ford Theater where Lincoln was shot.
Met up with my co-worker around 7 and we went off in search of a steak. Unfortunately without a reservation it was impossible or just too damn expensive. One place want $60 for a piece of shit cut. Um no. We ended up at a decent italian place where I had a duck breast served on pasta with some nice mushrooms. The weather here is perfect and it was about 65 and clear as we walked around from the hotel to the different places. Got to see the White House all lit up at night. Pretty. It really was. I am not super captain america but it was still cool.
Got back to the room around 9:30, watched Breakout Kings, and went to bed. Unfortunately I didn't fall asleep until 11, but I did sleep wonderfully.
Not sure what's on the agenda today, but I am in a much better place today to handle it.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Y3 D293
I blacked out somewhere after the second bar last night. Maybe the third I can't be sure. I did black out, that I am sure of at least.
I didn't make any stupid phone calls, send any bad texts, or spend money though. These are the plus sides to blacking out.
I also remember the brussel sprouts. Really damn good brussel sprouts. Where were we when we had those? Damn. I wish I could remember.
I am serious about this. I just found my phone. I thought it was lost, but luckily it was just under the bed. Yay. Small victories.
Work was good. I met the new client and they seem to have been okay with me. No major issues. I delivered on a couple of tangibles and they bought off. Again, Yay.
I am not quite sober yet as I type this. 6:46am and still drunk. No yay for that.
But as always, I am dressed, looking good and ready (?????) to go.
After work my co-worker and I played tourist. We walked from the client back to our hotel right down the middle of all the tourist spots. I saw the FBI building, the old Post Office, and the White House. Kinda cool.
Fuck I need advil. Now.
After going back to the hotel, we went out drinking and eating. We went first to this place called Stan's where they serve you a $10 drink in two glasses. The gin in one, the tonic in another. Seriously it was three shots of gin and a half a shot of tonic and they let you mix it yourself. Had two of those.
From there we ended up on K street. I don't remember much from there. A girl named XXXX, her boyfriend, OH!! That's where I had the brussel sprouts. yes, that's all I ate last night. Don't judge me bitches... Who am I kidding. Judge away.
From there we, and I mean me and the girl, yes I took her from her guy because it is what I do, ended up at a gay bar. I don't know. Don't ask. I got her in a cab, passed out, and here we are. That's it. That's all I remember.
Yay me.
I didn't make any stupid phone calls, send any bad texts, or spend money though. These are the plus sides to blacking out.
I also remember the brussel sprouts. Really damn good brussel sprouts. Where were we when we had those? Damn. I wish I could remember.
I am serious about this. I just found my phone. I thought it was lost, but luckily it was just under the bed. Yay. Small victories.
Work was good. I met the new client and they seem to have been okay with me. No major issues. I delivered on a couple of tangibles and they bought off. Again, Yay.
I am not quite sober yet as I type this. 6:46am and still drunk. No yay for that.
But as always, I am dressed, looking good and ready (?????) to go.
After work my co-worker and I played tourist. We walked from the client back to our hotel right down the middle of all the tourist spots. I saw the FBI building, the old Post Office, and the White House. Kinda cool.
Fuck I need advil. Now.
After going back to the hotel, we went out drinking and eating. We went first to this place called Stan's where they serve you a $10 drink in two glasses. The gin in one, the tonic in another. Seriously it was three shots of gin and a half a shot of tonic and they let you mix it yourself. Had two of those.
From there we ended up on K street. I don't remember much from there. A girl named XXXX, her boyfriend, OH!! That's where I had the brussel sprouts. yes, that's all I ate last night. Don't judge me bitches... Who am I kidding. Judge away.
From there we, and I mean me and the girl, yes I took her from her guy because it is what I do, ended up at a gay bar. I don't know. Don't ask. I got her in a cab, passed out, and here we are. That's it. That's all I remember.
Yay me.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Y3 D292
Left the house at 4:30 yesterday, airport at 5. Touched down in New York roughly 10 hours later thanks to time changes. Yesterday I "lost" four hours total between travel and DST. Somebody owes me a 1/6 of the day please. Left New York and ended up in DC at 7pm. That was the extent of my day. From 4am to 7pm I was either in airports, planes, or cabs. Whee.
I know I shouldn't complain. A friend pointed out to me last night I get to see the world on someone else's dime. True, but it does get tiring sometimes. This is the first time I have been to DC and I would like a little bit of time to play tourist. It seems like whenever I am on the road and in a place like this I am either too far outside the city to do anything fun (like being in NY or SC where I was too far from the big city to see it) or too buys to leave the hotel. Well I am 1.5 miles from the White House and other places and plan to walk back to the hotel today after work to see things. At least get some pictures and be able to say I have seen these things. I did see the Washington Monument and the Pentagon on the way in. I am definitely not Captain Patriotic about these things, but it was kind of cool seeing part of my country's history.
Talked to TGF a couple of times yesterday. It will be hard this week given the time difference and both of our schedules but hopefully we will have some time to chat. I noticed yesterday that when she is at my place she is happy and bubbly and I don't feel any of the weirdness I feel when we talk on the phone. I think she is getting tired of being at home and that's what I am picking up. I think it's me, but the reality is it's her home life. It drains her. No, there's isn't much I can do about it, but it is what it is.
I talked to the kid last night and she was in a shit mood once more thanks to KBF. The boy really needs to learn some social skills. He is upsetting her when he leaves because he doesn't leave gracefully. I don't want to intervene, but...
Off to meet my co-worker.
I know I shouldn't complain. A friend pointed out to me last night I get to see the world on someone else's dime. True, but it does get tiring sometimes. This is the first time I have been to DC and I would like a little bit of time to play tourist. It seems like whenever I am on the road and in a place like this I am either too far outside the city to do anything fun (like being in NY or SC where I was too far from the big city to see it) or too buys to leave the hotel. Well I am 1.5 miles from the White House and other places and plan to walk back to the hotel today after work to see things. At least get some pictures and be able to say I have seen these things. I did see the Washington Monument and the Pentagon on the way in. I am definitely not Captain Patriotic about these things, but it was kind of cool seeing part of my country's history.
Talked to TGF a couple of times yesterday. It will be hard this week given the time difference and both of our schedules but hopefully we will have some time to chat. I noticed yesterday that when she is at my place she is happy and bubbly and I don't feel any of the weirdness I feel when we talk on the phone. I think she is getting tired of being at home and that's what I am picking up. I think it's me, but the reality is it's her home life. It drains her. No, there's isn't much I can do about it, but it is what it is.
I talked to the kid last night and she was in a shit mood once more thanks to KBF. The boy really needs to learn some social skills. He is upsetting her when he leaves because he doesn't leave gracefully. I don't want to intervene, but...
Off to meet my co-worker.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Y3 D291
It's odd watching the clock go from 1:59 to 3:00am. Got to love daylight saving time because oh yeah there are so many farmers whose animals need to go to the field an extra hour a day. What the fuck? Nope no logic at all. Welcome to America! Land of Stupid! Yay America. Fuck I am not awake yet. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
Spent the day mostly in the house except for a brief journey to get frozen yogurt. Wanted to take it easy yesterday since in one hour I am off to DC. I am so sleeping on the fucking plane. And I am in coach. Balls. No upgrade for me. Boo. But I have an aisle and I go sleepie.
TGF went home around 10:30 to get ready for dance and I won't see her again until Thursday night possibly not until Friday. A whole week of being apart. Not a big deal. Healthy even. Amazing how my attitude towards somethings have changed as I have aged.
After frozen yogurt, played some video games, watched way too much Arrested Development with the kid and KBF, then went to bed around 10. They went to a midnight movie and actually aren't home yet. I think. Wait... Nope, not home.
Goddamn I am tired. I realized yesterday I have traveled every month this year so far. Whoo? And next month I am off to Ohio so the streak continues.
I am okay btw. Mostly. Things are still fucked up moneywise right now and I am afraid of what's going to happen at the hotel later today since the room is on my boss's credit card. I am hoping they don't have an issues with that. My head is in a better place overall, but still not perfect. I use but, so, and and a lot. Conjunction junction, what's your function? Yeah, I am sleepy.
Spent the day mostly in the house except for a brief journey to get frozen yogurt. Wanted to take it easy yesterday since in one hour I am off to DC. I am so sleeping on the fucking plane. And I am in coach. Balls. No upgrade for me. Boo. But I have an aisle and I go sleepie.
TGF went home around 10:30 to get ready for dance and I won't see her again until Thursday night possibly not until Friday. A whole week of being apart. Not a big deal. Healthy even. Amazing how my attitude towards somethings have changed as I have aged.
After frozen yogurt, played some video games, watched way too much Arrested Development with the kid and KBF, then went to bed around 10. They went to a midnight movie and actually aren't home yet. I think. Wait... Nope, not home.
Goddamn I am tired. I realized yesterday I have traveled every month this year so far. Whoo? And next month I am off to Ohio so the streak continues.
I am okay btw. Mostly. Things are still fucked up moneywise right now and I am afraid of what's going to happen at the hotel later today since the room is on my boss's credit card. I am hoping they don't have an issues with that. My head is in a better place overall, but still not perfect. I use but, so, and and a lot. Conjunction junction, what's your function? Yeah, I am sleepy.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Y3 D290
Went to the movies last night. First time in a while. It was a little weird in retrospect - a double date with the kid and KBF. Movie and Pizza. Very traditional, normal, albeit odd. We went to see John Carter. First movie we have seen in the theaters since Captain America. Hey at $16 a pop, I am very picky about what I see these days. Having read the John Carter books as a kid, I was hoping for something good. It wasn't a bad movie but what did piss me off was it being in 3D. Useless. Totally and utterly useless. Hence the $16 a pop. It really is nothing more than a way for them to suck more money out of you. I really believe that. There was no reason for that movie to be in 3D and it wasn't even real 3D, just enhanced perception. Remember when 3D movies were meant to give you a feeling of oh shit something's coming at me? Now it's just ooooh look at the depth perception of the movie. Ooh ah whatever. But it was a nice night out. We got out of the movie around 9:30, had pizza, came home. Felt very normal and what normal people do on a Friday night instead of being drunk or crazy or making bad decisions.
I am worried about money right now. I am still being garnished and it is slicing my paycheck up pretty bad. I am worried that I am going to be late on a few bills and not have enough to cover some other ones. I have to play it very close to the vest this week and of course I am traveling. Love-fucking-ly. I will just starve all week. Excuse myself from dinners, hide in my hotel room, eat nothing. It's all I can do. Tomorrow and Thursday will be easy because I will be in the air from 6am until 6pm tomorrow and from 11am until 7pm Thursday. It's M-W I am worried about. I need Rockstar and smokes. I can survive. I might go to the dollar store today and buy some tuna packets. Can those go through TSA? Probably not. I probably need like granola bars. Non-liquid, don't care if they smoosh, etc. That's my best bet. A jar of peanut butter, granola bars, and some other edible crap. Four days of food. I can do that.
Worked from home yesterday again. Actually made the new client happy. Handed off one other thing to a co-worker who is going to handle it while I am in DC. That gave me some relief. I didn't know how I was going to handle both.
The cat just puked on my foot. Fuck.
I guess I know what I am doing now...
I am worried about money right now. I am still being garnished and it is slicing my paycheck up pretty bad. I am worried that I am going to be late on a few bills and not have enough to cover some other ones. I have to play it very close to the vest this week and of course I am traveling. Love-fucking-ly. I will just starve all week. Excuse myself from dinners, hide in my hotel room, eat nothing. It's all I can do. Tomorrow and Thursday will be easy because I will be in the air from 6am until 6pm tomorrow and from 11am until 7pm Thursday. It's M-W I am worried about. I need Rockstar and smokes. I can survive. I might go to the dollar store today and buy some tuna packets. Can those go through TSA? Probably not. I probably need like granola bars. Non-liquid, don't care if they smoosh, etc. That's my best bet. A jar of peanut butter, granola bars, and some other edible crap. Four days of food. I can do that.
Worked from home yesterday again. Actually made the new client happy. Handed off one other thing to a co-worker who is going to handle it while I am in DC. That gave me some relief. I didn't know how I was going to handle both.
The cat just puked on my foot. Fuck.
I guess I know what I am doing now...
Friday, March 9, 2012
Y3 D289
I had the weirdest fucking dream yesterday. I was in a house but technically it was a boat even though it looked like a normal house. There was this guy there and all these bizarre images were being flashed through my head - sex, violence, crazy shit. I knew something was wrong but I couldn't figure out what was happening. I was able to shake out of it long enough to grab this guy and try to get him to tell me what was going on. I had to torture him. In my dream, I started ripping his fingernails off one by one and when it came down to then cutting off his fingers he gave in and told me everything. He told me 'we' were an experiment. We were being tested to see how we handled things. I ran to X2 who was there and told her everything. She didn't care. I asked her didn't you think something was going wrong. She said yes but it was too late. Things were too far gone and she was leaving. The odd part was how she was dressed - much more stylish than I have ever seen her. She even had on a pillbox hat with a veil. I never saw her wear a hat in 13 years. I didn't care really as I understood that the pressure of the experiment was just too intense. All I said to her was I am keeping the house. She said fine and left. So here I am standing covered in blood, watching her walk out. All that torture, all that pain all for nothing.
Got to love my head.
I spent yet another day at home. This time though I was pretty focused. I was able to get through some things in preparation for next week's trip. Today I am doing more prep work and I need to start packing. I just need to get through the day so I can start my partial weekend.
The kid went out while I was working. She went over to her grandmothers to practice sewing. I am glad she is sticking with it even if it is driving her nuts.
That was the extent of my day. Nothing else really. Her and I went out to get bread and eggs around six but that was the only time I left the house. I need to go today or tomorrow and get a few things for my trip.
Time for a meeting.
Got to love my head.
I spent yet another day at home. This time though I was pretty focused. I was able to get through some things in preparation for next week's trip. Today I am doing more prep work and I need to start packing. I just need to get through the day so I can start my partial weekend.
The kid went out while I was working. She went over to her grandmothers to practice sewing. I am glad she is sticking with it even if it is driving her nuts.
That was the extent of my day. Nothing else really. Her and I went out to get bread and eggs around six but that was the only time I left the house. I need to go today or tomorrow and get a few things for my trip.
Time for a meeting.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Y3 D288
I went over to my director's house last night to 'play nice'. If things ever get out of control, I want it on the record as being the one who always took the high ground, the one who always tried to get along, etc. They were having a movie night, TGF had dance, and I knew it wouldn't be too late of a night so I went. I brought a bottle of wine and stayed far away from any heavy booze on purpose. It was an interesting night. But let me back up and start at the beginning.
Got up and worked on one client. I am stuck on this report and I reached out to a co-worker for assistance. She is going to be helping me later today to see if we can figure out why I am not getting the results I want. During that time, my director sent out the email about having a movie night. I responded and kept working. I think she was a little surprised I accepted which was part of my motive. I had to find a ride there because the kid has school all day on Wednesdays and I needed to leave the car at the train station for her.
TGF came over around 4 as I was finishing up some stuff for my other client. I told her I was going over there and while she wasn't happy (she is still pissed off) she understood why I was doing it. We had taco salads, relaxed watching Being Human (the UK version which is AWESOME for the record...)
OH! Major tangent - I was doing some math yesterday thanks to Apple. I am sure most of you saw the release yesterday of the iPad 3, which I want very badly now thank you very much. At the same time they also released an Apple TV 3. While I have the first generation of the product, mine is clunky and doesn't do 1080p which is one of the reasons I only use it occasionally. But the new version has the kinks worked out and at $99, I think I will get one next month. It doesn't ship until the 16th so I can wait until the end of the month. But that got me thinking about how much am I actually paying for a tv show. Since I can download an entire season of a show legally for anywhere between $20 and $30 off of the Apple TV, the Google TV, etc, I wanted a baseline. I always think I am paying too much when I do a whole season but when I did the math?? Right now DTV is charging me $82 a month. $82!! And I don't get any special channels or sports. That's almost $1000 a year. Out of all the channels I watch, I care about at the MOST 15 TV shows. I really could only name 11, but I rounded up for arguments sake. In the end, I am paying $65 a show. Gee, almost double than if I d/l'd the entire season off one of my devices. Um.... So I am going to see if I can get full seasons of a couple of the shows I am currently watching, and if I can great, if not I wait for the season to end and buh-bye DTV.
Back to the day. Around 7 TGF headed off to dance and my friend and I went off to this movie party. The movie was Punisher and the party part was every time Thomas Jane has his shirt off, you drink. If you've never seen the Punisher, he has his shirt off A LOT. We got there about 7:30 and my directors were already lit up like Christmas. Not bad but definitely already happy. We chit chatted for a while, then sat down to watch the movie. In the first twenty minutes there six shots had. Now, I had a bottle of wine and would 'shoot' from my glass of wine but was nowhere near getting drunk. The male part of my directors? He was TRASHED - really bad. Like really quick really bad. I could see his wife getting a little worried, trying to get him to go to bed, but he was being stubborn. So I stepped in. I took him outside, walked him around, got him some water, the whole nine yards. When we got back inside he was doing much better. He was still drunk, but back to goofy drunk not fighting or sleeping drunk. We left around 10 something when the movie was over and my director grabbed me and hugged me tight. Here's the conversation had at ear level for no one else to hear -
Her: You know I love you very much even if I want to kill you most of the time
Me: I know.
Her: Thank you for helping with XXXXX. We do still need to talk.
Me: No we don't. She's not here is she?
Her: No, but this is my house.
Me: Right and I wouldn't disrespect you by bringing her here. I respect your house rules and there will be no disrespect.
Her: Thank you
Me: You're welcome, but remember it's a two way street. You can't disrespect me any more.
She hugged me tighter and we left it at that. Let's see where it goes. Again, I have to be the bigger man even if only for my own peace of mind. Got home around 11, talked to TGF for a while, told her what happened, and that's the day.
Much better than lately. I think I feel more at ease having shown I can play nice and to get some message across. For what it's worth.
Got up and worked on one client. I am stuck on this report and I reached out to a co-worker for assistance. She is going to be helping me later today to see if we can figure out why I am not getting the results I want. During that time, my director sent out the email about having a movie night. I responded and kept working. I think she was a little surprised I accepted which was part of my motive. I had to find a ride there because the kid has school all day on Wednesdays and I needed to leave the car at the train station for her.
TGF came over around 4 as I was finishing up some stuff for my other client. I told her I was going over there and while she wasn't happy (she is still pissed off) she understood why I was doing it. We had taco salads, relaxed watching Being Human (the UK version which is AWESOME for the record...)
OH! Major tangent - I was doing some math yesterday thanks to Apple. I am sure most of you saw the release yesterday of the iPad 3, which I want very badly now thank you very much. At the same time they also released an Apple TV 3. While I have the first generation of the product, mine is clunky and doesn't do 1080p which is one of the reasons I only use it occasionally. But the new version has the kinks worked out and at $99, I think I will get one next month. It doesn't ship until the 16th so I can wait until the end of the month. But that got me thinking about how much am I actually paying for a tv show. Since I can download an entire season of a show legally for anywhere between $20 and $30 off of the Apple TV, the Google TV, etc, I wanted a baseline. I always think I am paying too much when I do a whole season but when I did the math?? Right now DTV is charging me $82 a month. $82!! And I don't get any special channels or sports. That's almost $1000 a year. Out of all the channels I watch, I care about at the MOST 15 TV shows. I really could only name 11, but I rounded up for arguments sake. In the end, I am paying $65 a show. Gee, almost double than if I d/l'd the entire season off one of my devices. Um.... So I am going to see if I can get full seasons of a couple of the shows I am currently watching, and if I can great, if not I wait for the season to end and buh-bye DTV.
Back to the day. Around 7 TGF headed off to dance and my friend and I went off to this movie party. The movie was Punisher and the party part was every time Thomas Jane has his shirt off, you drink. If you've never seen the Punisher, he has his shirt off A LOT. We got there about 7:30 and my directors were already lit up like Christmas. Not bad but definitely already happy. We chit chatted for a while, then sat down to watch the movie. In the first twenty minutes there six shots had. Now, I had a bottle of wine and would 'shoot' from my glass of wine but was nowhere near getting drunk. The male part of my directors? He was TRASHED - really bad. Like really quick really bad. I could see his wife getting a little worried, trying to get him to go to bed, but he was being stubborn. So I stepped in. I took him outside, walked him around, got him some water, the whole nine yards. When we got back inside he was doing much better. He was still drunk, but back to goofy drunk not fighting or sleeping drunk. We left around 10 something when the movie was over and my director grabbed me and hugged me tight. Here's the conversation had at ear level for no one else to hear -
Her: You know I love you very much even if I want to kill you most of the time
Me: I know.
Her: Thank you for helping with XXXXX. We do still need to talk.
Me: No we don't. She's not here is she?
Her: No, but this is my house.
Me: Right and I wouldn't disrespect you by bringing her here. I respect your house rules and there will be no disrespect.
Her: Thank you
Me: You're welcome, but remember it's a two way street. You can't disrespect me any more.
She hugged me tighter and we left it at that. Let's see where it goes. Again, I have to be the bigger man even if only for my own peace of mind. Got home around 11, talked to TGF for a while, told her what happened, and that's the day.
Much better than lately. I think I feel more at ease having shown I can play nice and to get some message across. For what it's worth.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Y3 D287
I was talking with a friend yesterday about how I have been feeling and she accused me of having HRP. HRP? Yeah, happy relationship paranoia. She asked me if I am just creating problems where they don't exist because I am not used to being happy. And damn if there isn't some truth to that. I am so used to being sad and depressed that when I am not, I don't know how to behave any more. This was her theory and she might be right. There's nothing technically wrong and it's such an odd weird position to be in that I am not sure about it. It feels... wrong. But I need to go with the flow and stop trying to create situations that don't exist.
I spent the majority of the day in the house working. I actually can't wait until Sunday when I go to DC. I feel the need to get out of town alone and this will be perfect. I have never been to DC and while I probably won't get a chance to see anything of any interest, it's one more place I can add to the list of visited sites. Next month we add Ohio to the list but for now DC it is.
My coworker came over around 2 so we could work on something together. The kid was off with her grandmother which gave us the whole house. We managed to get through some things and make headway on a couple of small issues that are in prep for next week.
TGF came over around 4:30 and stayed until almost 10. We had a nice dinner, watched some TV, played with the bird, and again, there were no issues. She was in a good mood, I was doing okay, and everything felt good. Once I let go of the HRP there was no issue.
I always ponder in this blog about being happy and what that means. Maybe it just means things are okay. Nothing exciting, nothing dramatic, nothing outrageous. Just going along. Is that life? Is that what we all seek and are meant for in this life?
Maybe.
I spent the majority of the day in the house working. I actually can't wait until Sunday when I go to DC. I feel the need to get out of town alone and this will be perfect. I have never been to DC and while I probably won't get a chance to see anything of any interest, it's one more place I can add to the list of visited sites. Next month we add Ohio to the list but for now DC it is.
My coworker came over around 2 so we could work on something together. The kid was off with her grandmother which gave us the whole house. We managed to get through some things and make headway on a couple of small issues that are in prep for next week.
TGF came over around 4:30 and stayed until almost 10. We had a nice dinner, watched some TV, played with the bird, and again, there were no issues. She was in a good mood, I was doing okay, and everything felt good. Once I let go of the HRP there was no issue.
I always ponder in this blog about being happy and what that means. Maybe it just means things are okay. Nothing exciting, nothing dramatic, nothing outrageous. Just going along. Is that life? Is that what we all seek and are meant for in this life?
Maybe.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Y3 D286
I am stuck in a rut and I don't know why. Nothing is going forward, nothing is happening, nothing feels right. I feel very off. I feel like a storm is coming and I don't know when, where, or what to do about it. I am treading water and starting to go crazy because of it.
Do I move? Do I make a drastic change? I'm not alone in these feelings. The kid is feeling it too. Her and I went out to lunch yesterday and we both shared how we are feeling this way. We don't know if it's the people we are seeing, the weather, us, or what. She is feeling likes she needs something more from KBF - he just isn't communicative enough for her. He is too much of an awkward guy that when she needs him to be open he doesn't know how. But she also doesn't want to ruin the relationship because technically there's nothing wrong. I feel the same. For me it's a little different. TGF and I have been going out for 8 months almost and I feel like we are supposed to be doing something - move in together? Go out more? I don't know. But I do know is that the relationship really can't go anywhere for a long time and that is starting to eat at me.
I worked yesterday on some stuff. Nothing exciting. Mostly getting ready to go to DC this weekend. I will need to pack at some point. The weather outside is screaming. The winds are howling. One of those days on the horizon.
After working I didn't do much of anything. Finished one of the new books I bought two weeks ago. Played some video games. Picked the kid up at the train. Talked to TGF. Cleaned the rats, cleaned the fireplace. Going through the motions.
Today promises to be more of the same.
Shoot me.
Do I move? Do I make a drastic change? I'm not alone in these feelings. The kid is feeling it too. Her and I went out to lunch yesterday and we both shared how we are feeling this way. We don't know if it's the people we are seeing, the weather, us, or what. She is feeling likes she needs something more from KBF - he just isn't communicative enough for her. He is too much of an awkward guy that when she needs him to be open he doesn't know how. But she also doesn't want to ruin the relationship because technically there's nothing wrong. I feel the same. For me it's a little different. TGF and I have been going out for 8 months almost and I feel like we are supposed to be doing something - move in together? Go out more? I don't know. But I do know is that the relationship really can't go anywhere for a long time and that is starting to eat at me.
I worked yesterday on some stuff. Nothing exciting. Mostly getting ready to go to DC this weekend. I will need to pack at some point. The weather outside is screaming. The winds are howling. One of those days on the horizon.
After working I didn't do much of anything. Finished one of the new books I bought two weeks ago. Played some video games. Picked the kid up at the train. Talked to TGF. Cleaned the rats, cleaned the fireplace. Going through the motions.
Today promises to be more of the same.
Shoot me.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Y3 D285
I totally fucked up last night. Why is it so easy to slip back into my horrible ways? Why is it so easy to be the fucking moron and clown? I think I am doing good and then in thirty minutes or less I am right back where I don't fucking want to be.
GOD I AM A FUCKING IDIOT.
THIS IS WHY I SHOULD HIDE AWAY AND NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH PEOPLE. I am just a moron.
The day started out okay. I woke up to a shit ton of emails about the show which for once didn't impact me directly since I wasn't there but I still had to deal with the aftermath. Apparently in my absence my entire crew fell apart. But at the same time I see an email from one of the guys saying how good the show was. Who to believe? Regardless, I sent out an email to the group addressing the 'problem' areas to make everyone else happy.
TGF left around 11, the kid and KBF got up shortly thereafter and they left to go kayaking. I had the place to myself from noon on and that's when I decided to get into trouble. I went out at 5 to a bar where my friend works and proceeded to suck back two bottles of champagne. On a sunday. I got home around 9 something in a ruined state. I don't even remember what kind of stupidity I got myself into at the bar except that I was being a fool.
I missed TGF calling me. I missed work emails. I missed god knows what else. I am amazed I am even alive this morning. And now I have to take a conference call with the DOL.
This is going to be a shitty day.
GOD I AM A FUCKING IDIOT.
THIS IS WHY I SHOULD HIDE AWAY AND NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH PEOPLE. I am just a moron.
The day started out okay. I woke up to a shit ton of emails about the show which for once didn't impact me directly since I wasn't there but I still had to deal with the aftermath. Apparently in my absence my entire crew fell apart. But at the same time I see an email from one of the guys saying how good the show was. Who to believe? Regardless, I sent out an email to the group addressing the 'problem' areas to make everyone else happy.
TGF left around 11, the kid and KBF got up shortly thereafter and they left to go kayaking. I had the place to myself from noon on and that's when I decided to get into trouble. I went out at 5 to a bar where my friend works and proceeded to suck back two bottles of champagne. On a sunday. I got home around 9 something in a ruined state. I don't even remember what kind of stupidity I got myself into at the bar except that I was being a fool.
I missed TGF calling me. I missed work emails. I missed god knows what else. I am amazed I am even alive this morning. And now I have to take a conference call with the DOL.
This is going to be a shitty day.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Y3 D284
Even when I am not at the show I have to deal with show shit. Between one guy having to go to the hospital with internal bleeding which lost the spotlight, to a recap of a show I wasn't at that I get to deal with today. Fun fun fun. Yesterday morning was aftermath from the party. We all headed over to Taco Bell at around 8:30 and pretty much freaked out the poor woman working there. It's not a taco bell that gets a lot of business from loud happy people at that time of the morning. We weren't disruptive but it was a bigger crowd than she was used to on a Saturday morning.
Everyone left by around 10 including TGF. I went and met my friend for lunch (which was me having a milkshake while he ate) and we talked about the problems he is having with his ex. Man oh man what a nightmare he is going through. She was evicted from their house but broke in and stole the fridge in the middle of the night. Bullshit like that.
Came home and napped from 12-2. The kid went out with her grandmother, then work, then show. TGF came over around 5 and we had a nice evening. She needed to do some sewing on her dance shoes, I made us dinner, we watched a movie, then went to bed. We banged, we fell asleep, good times.
Was very 'normal'. Very stable. Very where I need to be.
Everyone left by around 10 including TGF. I went and met my friend for lunch (which was me having a milkshake while he ate) and we talked about the problems he is having with his ex. Man oh man what a nightmare he is going through. She was evicted from their house but broke in and stole the fridge in the middle of the night. Bullshit like that.
Came home and napped from 12-2. The kid went out with her grandmother, then work, then show. TGF came over around 5 and we had a nice evening. She needed to do some sewing on her dance shoes, I made us dinner, we watched a movie, then went to bed. We banged, we fell asleep, good times.
Was very 'normal'. Very stable. Very where I need to be.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Y3 D283
Hello. How are you? I'm functional. I needed last night. Bad. Even though I ended up puking all over myself and passing out at around 1am while the party went until 6. There are 7 other people still here not including me and TGF. The kid and KBF aren't home. They are at his house I am assuming.
So the day was pretty uneventful. I went onsite to my client from about 10-2 which was good because we needed the face to face time to get through a couple of issues. It was also nice not having to get up early and still be on site with billable hours.
When I got home TGF came over around 4 and we decided it was a party night. Ironically there was another party happening that it turns out we weren't invited to. Gee, clicks much? Honestly I am not that slighted by it because the people who through the party I am not that close to normally. We are casual friends and they live about 40 miles away. I discovered that the people who ended up at my party who weren't invited to the other one were all geographically closer to me than them which leads me to believe it wasn't intentionally meant as a slam.
We ended up having about 12-15 people total. But truth is, I needed it. I needed the noise, the outlet, the drunk. I needed to get completely fucked up and let things go. I was feeling too wound up and it was starting to crack me. Thank god for friends who actually give a shit. They save me every time.
Of course puking all over myself and passing out at my own party was a bit of a faux pas but it was my party. Seriously I NEEDED THAT. I did miss out on sex, but tonights another night.
And a shout out to my friend who lost his cat yesterday. I am so sorry my friend. It's a sad thing and I can totally feel your pain. I am not looking forward to the day when mine goes. I hope you remember all the good times with you kitty.
Okay we are off to taco bell...
So the day was pretty uneventful. I went onsite to my client from about 10-2 which was good because we needed the face to face time to get through a couple of issues. It was also nice not having to get up early and still be on site with billable hours.
When I got home TGF came over around 4 and we decided it was a party night. Ironically there was another party happening that it turns out we weren't invited to. Gee, clicks much? Honestly I am not that slighted by it because the people who through the party I am not that close to normally. We are casual friends and they live about 40 miles away. I discovered that the people who ended up at my party who weren't invited to the other one were all geographically closer to me than them which leads me to believe it wasn't intentionally meant as a slam.
We ended up having about 12-15 people total. But truth is, I needed it. I needed the noise, the outlet, the drunk. I needed to get completely fucked up and let things go. I was feeling too wound up and it was starting to crack me. Thank god for friends who actually give a shit. They save me every time.
Of course puking all over myself and passing out at my own party was a bit of a faux pas but it was my party. Seriously I NEEDED THAT. I did miss out on sex, but tonights another night.
And a shout out to my friend who lost his cat yesterday. I am so sorry my friend. It's a sad thing and I can totally feel your pain. I am not looking forward to the day when mine goes. I hope you remember all the good times with you kitty.
Okay we are off to taco bell...
Friday, March 2, 2012
Y3 D282
My class went well yesterday. It was nice starting that early and having my day be done by noon without any guilt. When I sent a message to my boss letting him know how the training went he called immediately and said "if I do the math you must have started between 3 and 4!". Um yes? After talking for a few he realized we have an untapped market for this sort of thing. We get international requests for training on a regular basis but no one in the company wants to start the class at a time that works for the students. It doesn't matter to me. I told him I would start a class at 1am if need be. Then my day would be over before other people's even started. I don't have a problem with this. We may end up doing more of these as well as saturday classes. If I do a saturday class I can choose to take either monday or friday off in exchange. After napping for about an hour, I got up and didn't do much of anything the rest of the day. I sat here in the house and wasted time watching TV and playing video games. I didn't have anything else TO DO. I didn't feel like leaving the house, didn't feel like working on anything. They say one way to tell a truly depressed person is a lack of interest in doing things that once held joy. Yeah, that would be me. I didn't want to do anything. I probably have a dozen things on my checklist of things that NEED to get done and I wanted to do absolutely none of them. Hell I havent' even shaved in three days.Why bother? TGF had dance last night and called after but she had too much going on at home to talk long. The kid had homework todo yesterday and I made her start in on helping out more around the house. Her fucking room was a mess and it took her six plus hours to clean it. It shouldn't take six hours to clean a room. Just saying. Rent is paid for another month. I can at least rest easy about that. I am still in a funk but slowly starting to come out of it. I think. I hope. No show this weekend, by choice. I can rest easy for the next four weeks. On the 11th I travel. In between, I stress and worry and fret and mope and cry and hope and despair....
So many things are going through my head right now that I am feeling under water about everything. Tomorrow I want to just clean my house to clear my mind. Today I have to go out to a client in a couple of hours. Hopefully I will see TGF tonight and we can have sex. I know that sounds awful, but I need some release and some intimacy. Might help relax me a little bit.
So many things are going through my head right now that I am feeling under water about everything. Tomorrow I want to just clean my house to clear my mind. Today I have to go out to a client in a couple of hours. Hopefully I will see TGF tonight and we can have sex. I know that sounds awful, but I need some release and some intimacy. Might help relax me a little bit.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Y3 D281
I have to make this fast today as I am about to start a training class with a UK client. I am already 30 minutes behind schedule.
Nothing really improved yesterday. My mind is still awash with different things none of them good. The bright spot of yesterday was last night when my friend came over and played scrabble with me. The kid had school and did TGF (plus she had dance) so my Wednesdays are turning into a solo affair for the most part. Luckily my friend's husband is out of town and she had nothing to do either. She came over around 5:30 and we had some steaks, a bottle of wine, and a game of scrabble. Made me feel semi-normal for a short time. Made me feel human.
I don't feel human again. I feel like an outsider.
I am hoping these feelings go away soon. I have nothing going on starting tomorrow until Monday so maybe I can shake things. I need to clean my house. That too may be the catharsis I need to get out of my funk. Just do a massive cleaning. Always helps to be clean.
Time to teach.
Nothing really improved yesterday. My mind is still awash with different things none of them good. The bright spot of yesterday was last night when my friend came over and played scrabble with me. The kid had school and did TGF (plus she had dance) so my Wednesdays are turning into a solo affair for the most part. Luckily my friend's husband is out of town and she had nothing to do either. She came over around 5:30 and we had some steaks, a bottle of wine, and a game of scrabble. Made me feel semi-normal for a short time. Made me feel human.
I don't feel human again. I feel like an outsider.
I am hoping these feelings go away soon. I have nothing going on starting tomorrow until Monday so maybe I can shake things. I need to clean my house. That too may be the catharsis I need to get out of my funk. Just do a massive cleaning. Always helps to be clean.
Time to teach.
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