Y3 D308

How do I feel this morning? How about:

How could I ever think it's funny how everything that swore it wouldn't change is different now just like you would always say we'll make it through then my head fell apart and where were you? How could I ever think it's funny how everything you swore would never change is different now like you said you and me make it through didn't quite fell apart. Where the fuck were you?


We can start there. Unfortunately my head is pounding right now. I had so many lofty ideas of what to write this morning while I was in the midst of the shit storm yesterday but like all my best laid plans it's falling to pieces before my eyes. How about this then:

Gave up trying to figure it out my head got lost along the way. Worn out from giving it up my soul I pissed it all away. Still stings these shattered nerves. Pigs we get what pigs deserve. I'm going all the way down I'm leaving today.


Better? Have you figured out yet what is going on? Yep. That's right, TGF is now TXGF. It hurts like a motherfucker. It was a mutual thing and frankly we parted as friends but goddamn it hurts bad right now. It hurt yesterday and it still hurts.

I sent her a text in the morning around 7 saying "Please call me when you get up". Surprisingly she called at 10. I didn't expect her up that early. Made the day easier as it didn't drag out but it also made shit harder because I was crying by noon. I straight up asked her on the phone if she wanted the relationship to continue. She said she didn't know. That was enough for me. I changed my question - would it be EASIER if we stopped seeing each other. Yes. Fine. Eight months of having to hide things from her family and dealing with judging people and friends was wearing her down. Hell, it was wearing me down. I told her she needed to come over and we needed to do this in person not over the phone. I was not about to end it like that. She was over by 11:30. I made her a fucking to go bag. Tea, fudge, Sobe, tuna snacks. Another bag with clothes, her blanket, and other stuff. She had one with all my clothes and stuff in it. Amazing how much shit you accumulate of someone else's in just 8 months.

Fuck my head hurts. Rule #34 - you wanna play? You'd better be ready to pay.

We cried. A lot. Neither of us wanted it to end but we knew. It had run its course. It was time to move on.  We parted as friends. Lovers. No, not that way. I am just saying. No malice, no animosity. We discussed it, and decided to disconnect on Facebook. That way neither of us has to see the other's updates or status messages. Of course, we both stalked each other yesterday. I have the last text messages we sent each other after it happened. She apologized. Me saying not to be sorry for being true to herself. A heart from both of us.

My friends were there. They are my rocks. The texts and messages kept me functional. My friends met me for drinks last night around 4:30. I drank for about 5 hours straight. They drove. I functioned. Barely. I did drunk text her. But I showed them and they approved. No taking my phone away. Pathetically enough, I did come home with a woman's phone number. Rebound? Duh. Need it? Double duh.

I loved her. That hasn't changed in the last 24 hours. Nor will it change. I gave her a piece of my heart. I set the bar so fucking high for any man who comes next. She took nothing from me except my love. She asked for nothing except my respect. She was, is, beautiful, smart, funny, remarkable, and has her whole life ahead of her. I am a dying shell.

Night after night, we pretend it's alright. But I have grown older and you have grown colder and nothing is very much FUN any more...


I am going to wallow in my self pity for a while. But don't worry I will be back. Back with a motherfucking vengeance. Back in style, back in shape, back in black.

Two things to remember though. First:

Whatever doesn't kill you, is gonna leave a scar


Oh yeah it will. A scar through my heart. My mask is back on. Time to hide behind the charade. Time to go back to being who I am mean to be. Time to be alone again. As expected. The other thing to remember? Well come on, that's easy...

Everyone I know, goes away in the end. You could have it all. My empire of dirt. I will LET YOU DOWN. I WILL MAKE YOU HURT...