Y3 D309

Yesterday was the first day in 8 1/2 months where we didn't talk, didn't text, nothing. No contact whatsoever. Goddamn this fucking hurts. This really really hurts. I tried to do normal things yesterday. Like in the morning I got to the mall at 7am to stand in line at the Disney store. It is the Disney store's 25th anniversary and yesterday the first 250 people at each store got special edition silver Mickey ears and they had special edition figures. The ears were first come first serve and the figures at $10 were a limit two. Both of which are already on ebay for anywhere from $20 - $50. Each. Not mine, but other people who waited in line. They are already selling them for 4x what they were at the store. And while that was fun being number two in line (yes there was someone even crazier than me), it was bittersweet. Because I would have dragged her to stand in line with me yesterday. She would have swore and smacked me around for it, but I know inside she would have loved it. She would have loved the figure. She would have worn those ears proudly around the mall just like I did. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I want to look at her profile on facebook but I'm not. I want to text her to see how she is but I'm not. I KNEW this relationship would have an expiration date. I am not stupid. Doesn't make it hurt any less. The kid created an OKCupid profile for herself yesterday and tried to encourage me to create one as well but I can't. Not yet. Not there yet. Need some time to heal. Need some time to be back by myself. I have always said that in the end I will be alone. For a long long time. This is the proof. Everyone goes away. No one sticks around me. I am damaged goods. There's something wrong with me. We all know it. Came back from the store and tried to work but I couldn't focus. I ended up working on and off until about 6pm. I gave up and took the kid for sushi. Of course it was a place TXGF and I would go to for lunch when she was over and I would be working from home. Dammit I don't want to cry again. Back behind my wall. Just once I would like to write in here for an entire year and be with the same person. So fucking close this time. I honestly had hoped to make it one year. Just one year. That's all. I so badly want to text her that this is killing me and I want her back. But truth be told the best gift I could ever give her is a life without me. Hers is starting. Mine is ending. Never the twain shall meet. I had so many dreams and hopes. All false. All pipe dreams. Nothing is real. Nothing lasts. No one cares. Life is pain princess. Anyone who says different is trying to sell you something. This weekend is going to be really hard. I have a show which I don't want to go to. I still have to get through today and tomorrow before I can have my weekend. I refuse to cry again. But even writing this is causing me to well up. I have to stop now.