Y3 D306

On the outside -
I'm fine


On the inside -
Oh dear god please help me. I am slowly losing my sanity and don't know how to fix things. I am stuck in a loop of paranoia, doubt, and fear. I feel like I am losing all grip on reality and have no way of coming back. I am angry, sad, lonely, depressed, scared, and worried all at the same time. I don't know how much longer I can take this.


That sum it up for you? That was yesterday. And those were the good moments. I am about to be pulled six different ways again this week. I haven't seen TGF in a week as of today. But she has time to be on Facebook and go to parties and hang out with other people apparently. See? That's the shit my brain is pulling right now. Jealousy. Possession. Insecurity. Fear. All those wonderful qualities that I am keeping suppressed because if you let them out it causes too many problems. Got to keep them squished and hidden. Can't let anyone know that anything is bugging me. Have to be the rock and the pillar and role model for everyone else.

My biggest accomplishment yesterday? I finally 'finished' a game. I made it through the initial storyline on Dante's Inferno. Only bought it two years ago. Finishing it opened up a bunch of new stuff of course, but at least I can say I have played it through and have done the main story line. I can put it on the shelf and play something else all the way through now. I don't know what, but something. Someday Skyrim or Dues Ex or Mass Effect 2 or Dragon Age or... Yeah, this is why I am not buying any more games for a long time. I have plenty of gaming time left.

Jesus why is this so hard? I just want to see my girlfriend but there is just way too much going on right now. I wish I were on the road at least then there would be an excuse. I worry because this is how things started deteriorating with me and X2. I know that's a big leap and there are many other factors at work, but the gap of not seeing each sure as hell didn't help.

My stomach is also bugging the shit out of me right now. I feel like things are churning away in there. I didn't eat anything rough last night. Some pasta, turkey meatballs, some salad. Nothing excessive or damaging. I think it's other things going on in my head that are causing the problems. Causing the acid to build up and bubble.

Why can't I communicate this effectively in person? Why can I only do it on the page? I envy those who can share things out loud. I have to do it here. From behind a keyboard. In the dark. Always in the dark. My life is spent in the dark.

Didn't leave the house at all yesterday either. The kid did. She worked again. I stayed inside all day. Did nothing. Texted with a friend. She was having a rough day too and needed guidance. I provided it. One of my friends was there for me via email as well which helped. But it can't replace the human contact. That's what I am missing the most right now. I need human contact. Too long without it and I go bat shit nuts. Not just human interaction, no actual physical contact. I need to be touched. Not like that. Just the touch of another human being on my arm, my shoulder, whatever. I need to feel that or I lose it. A week without it is eating me up.

Already the emails have started. We need someone on the east coast. This is too challenging.  I should have gone on site this week but didn't want to travel yet again. I would have been in an even worse place.

Fuck it. In the end it's all the same. I will end up alone. That's the real outcome of everything isn't it?