ANA Y1 D65

I have a light headache this morning. I didn't drink too much though. I think it's because I only had 4 hours of sleep. My body wants more but my brain says the sky's awake I'm awake. 

I did some retail therapy yesterday. Went to the outlet mall with my friend. We had a blast. I got a new Kate Spade purse, a leather jacket from Levi's, and some new Converse high tops. All in all, a successful shopping trip. We got home around 4, they hung out until about 6. 

After they left, I freshened up a bit, took the dog out for the umpteenth time, and then I headed out to the bar. I was at the bar from 9 until 2. I had a blast hanging out. Got to see people I already knew, met new friends, and basically didn't give a shit or worry about anything else. Flirted hard and heavy with one girl who was there. We came within a hair's width of hooking up. Like I needed five more minutes kind of thing and I would have succeeded. If I see them again next week, I will indeed succeed. 

Got home around 2:30, took the dog out, had some leftover pizza, went to bed. 

I don't know what's on the agenda for today.

ANA Y1 D64

Finished my week of hell teaching. So fucking exhausted but I ended up staying up until almost 11pm. So I was up for almost 23 hours. I was so exhausted last night. But it's done.

Therapy was good. My therapist pretty much is on board that my marriage is over. They are taking my side of course. Oh well. 

Moved the TV back upstairs. Tired of being in the basement. Going to rearrange everything this weekend. Maybe put a second TV down there just for video games. We shall see.

Going shopping today with a friend at the outlet stores, then hitting the club. We both plan to be on the prowl tonight. This should be fun. What time will I get home? That remains to be seen.

I'm learning to live without you...

ANA Y1 D63

Explain to me why I got the best night's sleep I've had pretty much all week, when B is gone? Actually, no, don't explain it. I don't really want to know. I fell asleep at 6:30 and was out cold. They left at 4:30. Sleep solid until midnight. REM sleep. Interesting dreams. Empty bed. Correlation? Maybe.

I have plans for tomorrow. With MY friend. Not MCGF. Just a friend. Going to the outlets. Then the bar. Need to get back into living my own life. With four cats and a dog. I'm not dealing with these axies. If they don't do something with them, I will rehome them. Not my responsibility. Never harm them, but I am not getting stuck with them.

Today when I am done teaching this last fucking day thank god, I have therapy. This will be fun.

Do I seem okay? Maybe. But remember - real suicide? Real depression? It's not loud. It's not flashy. No. The ones who make a lot of noise like my friend recently, are the ones looking for help. They're the ones saying "I am hurting please help me.". No, real suicide and depression hides behind "I'm doing okay!". It hides behind "look at me being a member of a society". Then one day? They're gone. Also, life insurance doesn't pay out on suicide. Nope. I won't deny B the money. I need them to keep this house. I worked too hard for it. I want the money to go to paying it off. I have enough to pay the house and keep the taxes for 5 years. The rest of it they have to work out on their own. Or maybe I will change beneficiary and leave everything to the kid. I have to see how this weekend goes. 

ANA Y1 D62

 I was up for 42 hours. Have had 5 hours of sleep. Nothing has changed.

Yesterday was cordial? Unfortunately we had some errands and tasks that had to be completed together. We did those and pretty much stayed away from each other the rest of the time. They are still looking at options of places to go. 

Regardless, there was some good news. They had a psych appointment and lo and behold, guess who's back on their fucking meds? Gee. Shock. The next two weeks will be rough if we're here together but at least I know in a couple of weeks their mood will be stable. That's all that matters.

Two more days of teaching this shit schedule. I can make it. I have to make it.

ANA Y1 D61

I haven't slept.

I fucked up.

My marriage is over.

I came clean to B about contacting CGF on Thursday.

I explained it was because I didn't know what else to do and who else they might listen to in the situation.

They hate me.

They said I violated their privacy, their trust, and I overstepped their boundaries.

I was scared and confused.

They don't care.

They hate me.

I brought it up because they wanted to see CGF.

I wanted B to hear it from me and not her.

I didn't trust CGF not to say anything.

So, I confessed.

I fucked up.

They left at 7pm.

I didn't know if they would come home.

They came home at 11pm.

They said the only reason they came home was because they couldn't arrange some place to stay.

Once they do, they said they are leaving.

My marriage is over.

I fucked up.

I haven't slept.

And now I have to work.

I want to die.

Please, can I die?

Can I go away?

Can all this be over?

I've been a fuck up all my life.

Let me end this.

ANA Y1 D60

There's a frog in my kitchen. In a tank mind you, but there's a frog in my kitchen. It's name is Topanga. I should be complaining, but I won't because it's a good sign. 

Simply put, B is coming out the other side. Yesterday was session 2 of 5 for this week. B has two therapists and a psych. Therapist Prime is for general stuff, gender, and sex. Therapist Beta is for EMDR trauma work. Psych is for meds. So they saw therapist beta on Saturday because they were available. It helped for sure. Prime was yesterday and that appears to have helped a lot. While I don't know everything that was discussed, B told me they discussed getting on a new med or increasing the dosage of an existing med. GOOD. I don't care about anything else right now. Stabilize. They even went out to our friend's house from 6:30 - 9:30 to make sure they weren't alone while I slept. GOOD. This is progress, I mean the future's uncertain and the end is always near, but hey, let it roll baby roll. Let it roll all night long. I will take what I can get. Maybe we can make it to 2023. Maybe.

I taught. Nothing exciting there. 33 people, two groups. Finished at noon. Relaxed. Saw B for all of 3 hours max yesterday. But it's okay. Same today probably. Nothing to really report on my end. I'm still alive for now.   

ANA Y1 D59

 I am up at 2am about ready to start class. I only have a few minutes to type this morning so need to do this quick. I only saw B for five hours. I managed to just get B into bed. I know they're not sleeping but at least they're in bed. The time I spent was better. We had a very neutral non-invasive friend come over for some social time. They left around 8 when I went to bed. Otherwise, it was okay.

I made chicken salad, did yard work, clean the cat room, and a bunch of other little things. Nothing major. Now for the whole week I do my 3-12 shit. B has another therapy appointment today AND tomorrow. We are discussing taking a drive to get some stuff for their sister after class and therapy. We will see if that happens. 

ANA Y1 D58

Yesterday was a big improvement. B was functional, alert, ate food, did activities around the house, and even went out to game night. I was very impressed at how much they were able to accomplish. Most importantly they seem to be back in touch with reality. Next week they have an appointment with a career counselor. They're also looking into outpatient programs for suicide and severe depression. The kind of place that can prescribe drugs, with real psychiatrists, and will put you away immediately if you're a threat to yourself or others. Their therapist yesterday and their cousin the night before, basically gave them the same advice - stop thinking so far ahead. Focus day by day, hour by hour if needed. My therapist basically said the same thing. Stop thinking of all possible outcomes and focus on the one in front of you. I still don't know what the future holds whether we're together or not, but yeah, right now, just need to get through each day.

As for the day itself, I got up, went to the grocery store. Came back, watched a little TV, played some video games, and relaxed. Just tried to let the weight of these last few days wash over me. I did have a serious crying session as my anxiety warped to 11. When B got up, they immediately went on their therapy call. I let them have their space and come to me. The first thing they asked for was a hug. Improvement. We then went through a pile of stickers I ordered. Distraction. Then we made dinner together. We made chicken curry and they chopped the chicken for me. While I did dinner prep, they fed the axies. Good. Then they worked on a chia pet I got them. Also good. Focus on something manageable, one task at a time. After dinner we went to our friends house and we were there from about 6:30 until 10. A reasonable time out given everything. When we got home we started to make a checklist of daily tasks they need to accomplish. Some of them are to give B more responsibilities around the house. So basic stuff like "brush teeth" but also "check mail". As dumb as that may sound, this is a big part of the problem. They have nothing to do except sit in their head and feel useless and a burden. Instead, let's give them something to do. We still drugged them for bed. I know that sounds horrible, but if we don't they won't sleep.

I'm still scared and nervous what tomorrow brings, but one hour at a time. My hours today including some minimal things like going to the store, making chicken salad, and if it stops raining, yard work. Just focus a little bit at a time. I have a shit schedule this next week. 3am to noon again. I have to be in bed by 8 tonight which gives B a lot of time alone. I hope things are going to be okay. No matter what, I just want them to be alive and happy.

ANA Y1 D57

My spouse is still alive for now and still my spouse. One of those two things is going to change some time in the near future unfortunately. I got up yesterday and went to my therapist who was 30 minutes late causing me massive anxiety. I cried pretty much the whole appointment. Since B is not their patient nor have they directly heard them say they want to kill themselves, they couldn't do much of anything. We did start coming up with a plan though. I also told her some of the things B said to me Thursday night:

• I've never loved you except platonically
• This isn't what marriage is supposed to be
• I can't keep going to bed with someone I don't want to hug or kiss
• I love you but would rather be dead than hurt you
• I never wanted to open our marriage

There was more but things are blurring together in my head. But the bottom line is, we won't be married much longer I feel. Unless we go through some serious counseling and some sacrifices are made, this marriage is over. I started looking at houses where the kid lives. I can find something in my price range. Won't be the nicest house, but it would be a house. Or I can stay here and just keep living my life. I don't know. I can't think that far out yet. I think B knows they aren't going to walk away from this without having to give up a few things. Like the house. I really don't want to move again. I don't want to start over again. Maybe, just maybe we can figure things out. I am not hopeful right now, but we will see. Even just typing this my anxiety is spiking so bad. Back to yesterday. Part of our plan was for me to call B's main therapist. I managed to track down the number and called. They wouldn't confirm or deny B was a patient. I told them I understood, that I didn't expect them to talk to me, but they needed to pass along to B's doctor that they were suicidal and needed to be talked to immediately. I did all this from my doctor's office parking lot. I went and had bloodwork done yesterday. Six week mark. Six weeks. Wow. Which means it's been about eight since all of this has started. Fuck me.

I got back home and waited for B to wake up. That happened around 1pm. They were doing no better. They refused to contact their therapist who did in fact reach out. They made it clear in no uncertain terms that if I tried to check them in somewhere they would kill themselves. That they had "backup plans on top of backup plans". I didn't know what to do. I finally thought of an idea. I reached out to B's cousin who she is VERY close to, and also happens to be a family therapist. They got here around 3 and the two of them talked for hours. As of about 8pm, B was calmed down and off the ledge. She convinced B to make an appointment for today which is at 1pm. She convinced B not to do anything short term - anything. Last night was to be a "light night". Nothing serious, nothing intense. We watched tv, B promised to not look at anything too intense on the phone, oh and Cousin's boyfriend is a career counselor and B is going to work with him to move forward. Excellent. At 10pm B took two Benadryl and around 11pm we went to bed. I don't know when they fell asleep though. I was too mentally exhausted and after a brief anxiety attack thinking about being divorced, I fell asleep. 

I don't know what today is going to bring. I just don't. I don't know what tomorrow or next week holds. I am scared, confused, angry, and a million other emotions. I don't want to lose B. I really don't. I do love them. But this isn't a life. It's hell.

ANA Y1 D56

The last 24 hours here were completely insane. Specifically from about 2pm on. B had a full and complete mental breakdown. Like so bad I was going to call the hospital and have them checked in. I still don't know what to do. I loaded them up with Xanax last night before bed as it was the only way I could make sure they slept so I could sleep. They were supposed to go to their therapist at 2pm, but when they got there, the therapist had cancelled last minute. B came home and decided to try and talk with me instead. They broke down. "I'm useless, broken, a burden, just let me die. This isn't the life I imagined. I don't love you. Let me die." That was the mantra for like an hour. At one point they went into complete psychosis and looked at me like they had never seen me before. I finally got them calmed down enough to get into bed. They fell asleep until 7 or so. When they got up the first comment was "I hoped I wouldn't wake up". Goddamn I wish they had never stopped their meds. I even offered them a divorce if they would promise me they would stay alive. They can have anything they want if they would make me that one promise. They wouldn't. I don't know what to do. I have my therapy in a little while and am going to get advice but I am afraid they will tell me to call a hospital. I can't do that to B. I can't make them go through that. I am scared to see how today plays out. Things were so bad yesterday I even reached out to CGF and told them what was going on and that maybe they should stop messaging for a while. The cunt told me they will do what they think is best. Who the fuck do they think they are? They've known B for two months. I've been here for 10 years you bitch. I will hunt this bitch down and destroy her if she fucks B up more. At this point, I do assume we will be divorced by the end of the year. Not because of me though. Because B needs to figure themselves out and I have to let them go. 

Welcome to hell.

ANA Y1 D55

What is my life? No seriously. It is now official that I have a wife and a girlfriend. Apparently that's okay? These crazy kids today. My GF is actually older than my spouse. Figure that one out. Whole story:

On the home front, B was having another rough day. They were having the suicidal thoughts again. Once more I had to lock up the meds. Once more I questioned if they should have gotten off the abilify. But I didn't say that. Instead I comforted and supported. I even offered to cancel my plans. I would have been pissed lowkey, but I would have. A lot of it is without CGF they have nothing to distract them for the overwhelming anxiety that they are a burden, that they are not contributing, etc. No amount of reassurance from me is changing that. They have a real therapy appointment today at 2pm. We will see how that goes. In order to make sure they weren't alone while I went out, a friend did come over and they took a nap to minimize alone time. In total they were alone for like 90 minutes but only awake for like 20 of those. During the day, they went out and helped the grandmother with some medical stuff. They also decided to come clean with grandma about everything. One less family member we have to worry about now. Then they hit the chiropractor. 

I went out around 5:20 and met MCGF at 6. We had a great dinner. The first question of the night was 'our we dating'. With that agreed upon, we then spent the night discussing what that meant. Boundaries, frequency, locations, bedroom versus external activities, etc. Plus we had a makeout session in the parking lot. Now with my stupid schedule next week, I don't know when we will be able to get together next, but at least it's there in the universe. 

Got back home and our friend was over. We got ready to go out and left for the club at 9:15. Got inside around 10, watched the shows, supported our friend performing, and got home around 12:15. It was by the time we got into bed, but I couldn't sleep because I honestly think I broke or at least sprained my toe. It's all swollen and I was in massive pain all night. Kept waking up because of the pain. I need to RICE it today to see if it's any better.

Tonight we are going to a local fair. It's open from 4-11. B wants funnel cake and a corn dog. I can do that. Something nice and easy to bring some joy. Not a problem. I think they may be making plans for tomorrow, but let's see what comes of it. I can't wait for my therapy tomorrow. This will be interesting to say the least.

ANA Y1 D54

Yesterday was interesting. I got through my meeting with Bentley. I am going to VA in October. This should be interesting. Don't know what other word to use at this time. I will be doing two days on site. So not upset at the thought of traveling again. That makes me happy. But having to fit in will be another story. 

I taught after my meeting. Not much happened during the day because I was busy teaching. Wrapped up around 5:30. B went out at 4:30 or so. We both got home within minutes of each other around 10:30. Apparently they had "a horrible time". Get over it already. Stop being a mopey bitch. They picked a fight with me last night. I let it go. Just wasn't in the mood. I'm sorry your girlfriend doesn't want to see you. Not my fault, don't take it out on me. They're being childish about things. Whatever. Just moving forward day by day. Group was okay. No one that I like was able to go out afterwards and I felt like it was the B-list. Although one of the girls had a big career in the 80s and 90s on Star Trek. Random.

Got home, had the mini fight which I refused to let escalate. Went to bed. 

I am very focused on tonight. WHICH I also think led to B trying to pick a fight. Tonight is my date with MCGF. I think B is finally feeling the other side of the coin. I was asked last night if I am going out tonight out of payback or revenge and the honest answer is no. I made these plans BEFORE they broke up. I am just trying to focus on what's right for me. Sorry if the timing sucks, but it was never my intent to be hostile or cruel. It's just the way things happened. But I also won't rub their nose in it. I will be back home by 9 so we can go out to see our friend perform. I should also mention B is going out Friday. They have a new "friend" and are meeting for the first time. They are unsure if it's a date or not because this person says their looking for friends but possibly more kind of thing. So if I can not get mad about that, maybe show the same courtesy?

That's all for now.

ANA Y1 D53

Comparatively speaking to past days, yesterday was uneventful. If you're thinking, well that doesn't say much since the last few posts have been crazy, well, you're right. I got up my normal time to do some work. B on the other hand unbeknownst to me. didn't fall asleep until I was getting up. B suffers from RLS along with everything else going on with them. They had a bad attack of it. Normally they have supplements that help, but the antibiotics they were taking for the bladder infection were screwing with the supplements. Some nights their legs get so bad they can sleep. That was Sunday night for them. As a result, they slept until almost noon. Don't blame them, that really sucks to be fair. I have mild RLS which gets triggered by stress and other factors like travel, and when it hits, it's rough. What I will point out however is that while they were awake having issues, apparently they were all over the dating and BFF site making new connections. On one of the dating sites, they matched up with their aunt's best friend. Ew. But that's not for me to judge. Unfortunately this person is pretty far out and I would discourage that kind of driving right now due to gas and construction. It's the same distance I went for that breakfast date and yeah, it's just too far in my mind. 

Anyway, I worked, B got up, and they went over to R's house. First time seeing them in quite a while. We both were curious to see how it would go. Now, they left around one I would say,  and were home by six. Normally they would have stayed for dinner, etc but nope. Part of it is that CGF is still part of that friend group and the conversations kept including or involving them. Oops. While B was out, I went to the mall to get some shoes and look at coats for winter. Succeeded on the shoes, failed on the coat. Oh well. I was planning on taking a nice bath as I expected B home late, but those plans got derailed. I also first stopped at MCGF's work as it is near the mall (and retail) to hang out and flirt more. Yeah, I got the hots for this girl. I am looking forward to our date Wednesday. I think this was also impacting B's mood as they realized what is about to happen and because we haven't been as closed off on what is happening. We're being more honest about things and it's hitting them. Welcome to what I went through for weeks.

Because they came home all in a funk, they pretty much spent the rest of the night on apps again. Mostly it was the friends app. I think they realize they need a new friend circle even if it is in the short term. They met one person who they are going to hang out with on Friday possibly. Okay cool. I did feel a little ignored, but you know what, we've had a good couple of days. It's all good. 

Today I have a meeting early, then I teach, then I am headed to group. B is going over to Z's for the first time. I also know B talked with a couple of friends last night who lately have felt B disconnected from them due to CGF. Welcome to the club people. But I get it. B was doing some damage control and is hanging at Z's tomorrow as a result. All good. I won't be home until 11pm or so myself. Maybe a little earlier tonight. Tuesday's were a primary sex day before and I was staying out late as a result. Not needed tonight.

See? A quiet day. Yeah. Right.

ANA Y1 D52

Welcome to what promises to be an interesting week. Not necessarily in a bad way, just the potential for a lot of interesting things happening. There are plans for both me and B multiple nights this week. One night we're going out at 10pm to do something, I have a date, B may have a date, etc. But for now, let's focus on yesterday.

Yesterday was quite good if we're being honest. The majority of my day was spent down in the basement putting all the pops back as well as everything else we had to pull from the laundry room. I also had to clean and reorganize everything down there. It was a lot of work and took a huge portion of my day, but it's done and everything looks great now. I am happy with that. But the real reason yesterday was good AND the reason I was able to have yet another day of good sleep, is that B and I made a huge breakthrough yesterday. Now that things are done with CGF, they're finally starting to talk to me about some stuff. For example, they finally admitted yesterday that it wasn't CGF that was so exciting, it was what she represented. That everyone needs to feel wanted, desired, etc. I absolutely get that. I do. Remember when I was in AZ and had my fling with the hot girl? It wasn't so much about her as it was that she made me feel desirable. She made me feel good about myself. I didn't have to think about the bills, or the cat, or work. It was about the moment and nothing more. THAT is how CGF was making B feel. The infatuation of something new. It's a matter though of not letting that take over the rest of your life. The bills, the pets, the water heater - they're all still there. You can't dump that on your spouse to handle alone. B is finally coming out of the infatuation fog and seeing that's what they've been doing. We also discussed this is the hardest part of any long term relationship or marriage. At some point, it is all about that other stuff. The trick is to find that balance. For us, and millions of other people, having an external partner is one way of handling it. That's okay. It's not a sin, a crime, or an offense to our marriage. As long as the balance and priority is kept. Now that B has gone through this and come out the other side, I think we can do it. BUT it's my turn now isn't it? This week MCGF and I have a date. Will it result in sex? Maybe. Probably not Wednesday night, but maybe. It will be my turn to remember to balance and keep things in perspective. I am absolutely enjoying the attention and being made to feel desirable. As is MCGF I am sure. With their spouse, it's about work and kids and everything else. I provide an escape. Someone who shares the silly and sexy moments. I get it. I finally fucking get it. 

B and CGF had a talk yesterday too. The discussed how they need a break from each other. B is the kind of person who can be friends with an ex. I am not. Saturday I think was CGF's attempt at it, but they shared with B yesterday that it was harder than they expected. So a week off was decided upon. Just to give it some healing time. Personally I feel this is a good thing for them. I support whatever they choose, but for me, I know I would need a hot minute away. 

The other big conversation we had along these same lines was about sex. Not just a surface one either. We had a conversation that was 8 years in the making. We started talking about likes and dislikes. Why lesbian sex takes four hours. Some of the things they learned and experienced during their time with CGF. Side note on that, I thought CGF was experienced. Turns out they were not. Basically it was the two of them floundering around together figuring out the female body. This I also find amusing. Here I thought B was with some superstar sex partner, but nope. Just another new lesbian in the world. Though the experience was good for them. B has found things they like that I never knew. The same for B. I opened up about some of the things I like. We both got over our embarrassment and heteronormative stigmas and talked. We then later in the evening put some of that into practice. For the first time ever in our sex life, toys were pulled out of drawers. We went at it for almost 2 hours. A break in between as well. It wasn't about penetration either. It was about exploration and intimacy. As I have said before if THIS is the side benefit of all our life changes? Bring it the fuck on. We have been more intimate in the last two months than in the last five years. Plus it's been GOOD for both of us not just functional. 

Growth bitches.

Plus B is finally talking to me about just some of the trivial stuff between them and CGF. They have kept like some things to themselves because they didn't want to 'rub my face in it' were their words. I appreciate that but unlike B, I want to know. So I got to see CGF's cat for the first time. Here some of the stupid stuff they talked about. It added a NEW level of intimacy for us. I also talked about some of the stuff MCGF and I have been chatting about. I shared pictures of the garden work they've been doing. It was fucking awesome not having a portion of our lives separate. Will we mix partners ever? No, probably not. That part is still for us alone. But the trivial stuff is okay. Share. It's not going to kill us.

Okay, now for the week. Today B is hanging out with the friend from hell for the first time in months. Let's see how that goes. This is the one that broke them up. This is the one with the crush. R, the evil one. B is nervous they're going to say or do something that causes a floodgate of emotions. I am going to the mall just to get out of the house, but no real reason either. Just to have a little me time. Tuesday is group for me and B is hanging at their other friend's who they haven't seen since camping. They owe them some time and an apology. It's not just me who has been impacted by all this CGF drama. Time to repair some other broken friendships. I also teach Tuesday plus the meeting with Bentley. Busy day. Wednesday I have my date, B is going to hang out with our mutual friend, then we are heading to the club to support a friend in a talent show. That will be interesting to say the least. Thursday and Friday are light for now. But who knows what excitement lurks. Saturday is B's sister's birthday. There may be activities. Oh wait, Thursday we're going to a fair/carnival after work. Forgot about that. Jeez, we have a life again. Insane.

Here's a pic of how the pops look now:

ANA Y1 D51

I feel the best way to describe yesterday is WTF? It started with me getting bangs and ended with 3am sex. With my spouse. Just in case anyone was wondering. A little what the fuckery though happened in between those two things. I also had a clear situation where I recognized a hormonal mood swing. I have been trying to track those to understand better when my mood is really mine or the result of estrogen changing in my system. Let's start at the top.

Got up, feeling a little snarky. Mostly over B's ups and downs with CGF. What? This is the one place where I can be truly honest. Yes, I want to be a supportive spouse but it doesn't mean I can't on occasion take a little solace in things. Yeah, I am not all that upset about their loss. Sorry not sorry. Regardless, I got up, did my morning stuff, took a LONG hot ass shower. That was one of the highlights of yesterday for sure. In less than 20 seconds I had a steaming hot shower that never once changed temperatures. That was nice. The water heater while expensive, is a success. I left around 8 to go to my hair appointment. Got new hair and a new haircut. For the first time in my life, I have bangs. Yes, I will post a pic although the majority of you probably already saw it on instagram. Finished with my hair around 11:30 and came back home. B was at the table in a semi-pouty state. Not like before, but definitely not happy. Okay. Reasonable mood for all the shit that's gone on. I can roll with that. They asked if I minded if CGF came over to hang out while I was at my thing all day. For the majority of the day, I was at the place where my group meetings happen working a clothing swap. The swap ran from 1-5 and I was one of the co-assistants. They said that for CGF to hang out at our house was one of the few places they could be where it wouldn't be weird and be too much of a reminder of things. You know what? Okay. Supportive spouse on call here. Fine, all good, have fun. I loaded up the truck with two bags of clothes and headed off. I was the first one there and setup all the clothes on tables. Holy shit did we have a lot of clothes. Other people were coming and dropping stuff off while I was setting up. We had hundreds and hundreds of items. It was very cool to see the outpouring of donations. Unfortunately the number of people coming to TAKE clothes was way less than we wanted. But it was our first one, we learned, we experienced, and we made plans. I got to meet some new people, chat with what are becoming friends, had a nice pizza and discovered an excellent new Italian place. Around 4 as things were wrapping up, that's when my mood swing hit. I went from being okay to suddenly hating everything about CGF. Like literally nothing changed or happened. I just was like, nope, I don't want them in my house. There is a funny story about what happened with those two though. I got all paranoid and started looking at the camera history. I saw CGF arrive around 2:30. But then they were sitting on our front stoop. Then they were kind of walking around. Then they went back to their truck and sat. All in all, it was until almost 3 that they went inside. I knew what was happening but CGF didn't. I was 100% sure that B had fallen asleep and couldn't hear CGF knocking. I found out later I was right. CGF thought that B was ignoring them or didn't want to see them, but the simple reality is that dumb ass fell asleep, had their phone on vibrate, and simply couldn't hear them. Hilarious. Well, to me at least.

Regardless, I knew CGF was still there around 4:30. I messaged B and said I was almost done and if CGF was still there (even though I knew they were) to please ask them to leave as I wasn't comfortable being around them. We packed everything up and I was home around 5:30. B was in better spirits, told me about how they fell asleep, they went to the dispensary together, had a nice chat, blah blah blah. We then had a talk about what B wants to do in terms of work. They're having an existential crisis over this. They are trying to find meaning in having to work when everything is going to shit in the world. THAT I can empathize with for sure. It's the same shit I have been struggling with for the last 18 months. What meaning does any of this have? How can I act like I care about all this stupid work shit while people are dying and the government is turning into a theocracy. I wish I had answers for them because I would like some myself. 

We got ready to go out and headed to the first stop of the night around 8:45. Arrived at the bar at 9 something and one set of friends was already there, the other arrived shortly after us. We laughed, we had fun. Even B was in a good spot until one of the bitches at the bar made a comment that short circuited B's brain. This bitch said something about B and food which was a trigger and put them in a distant mood the rest of the night. Not completely gone, but enough. I almost got into a fight over this, but was told to let it go. B hasn't eaten well the last few days because of the bladder infection meds. They were pondering if they should eat something as they finally were starting to get an appetite back. The drunk not knowing the situation made a snarky remark about B talking about food all night. This of course made B feel self conscious about eating. Don't. Just don't. Never talk about someone like that. Around 11:30 one set of friends left and me, B, and our friend K, headed over to spot number two. We drove over in K's 1979 Lincoln. It's a boat for sure. It is the most old school care I have been in for decades. I love it. K was starting to get drunk, but not at a bad stage. B was starting to have fun again. We went into the club where B knows the owner well and ALL the staff. No cover for us thank you. We danced, we drank, and somewhere around 1:30 K tried to drive us back to the first place for our car. I say tried because that was the most harrowing 5 minute drive of my life. When we white knuckle pulled into the other parking lot, I was like nope, you aren't going anywhere, keys now. We drove them back to the first place where they would be safe, left the Lincoln, and headed home. While were transferring them back to the second club, they hit the part of drunk where they loved us, started talking about a threesome, how wonderful we are, etc. Yep, time for you to go to bed girl. I have video of them dancing at one point and woo boy, they're going to be feeling rough this morning. Me, my knees are killing me from dancing in 4" heels all night. B and I got home safely around 2 something. Took the dog out, cleaned up, and when I got into bed, B was like "do you want to sleep?" which was a clear indicator, no, no I don't. We ended up going at it until 3am. At that point I finally passed out. Ironically, B was hungry. I am not sure what time they ended up in bed to be honest. Woke up around 6:45 and there you go. 

How was YOUR saturday?

Without further ado, new hair bitch, who dis? (Yes, I am looking for different from a year ago. I know. But truth be told? I am also happier than I have ever been in my life with regard to who *I* am. All this other stuff to the side, I am not regretting my decisions at all. This is what I should have done at 25 when the first chance even was an option. Yeah, it's weird for a lot of you, but this is who I have felt I was for longer than I can imagine. I know I am an old hag, but let me have this, okay?)

ANA Y1 D50

Fifty days. 7 weeks. For the average person, not much happens in 7 weeks. But, I've never been average, now have I?

I have big news. Like really big news. I no longer have to wait until September to see how things are going to change. B and CGF officially broke up last night. This time for good. Yesterday during the day I learned that Thursday was not a good time for them. Such a not good time that at one point B made an offhand comment that caused CGF to cry. B shared all this with me yesterday for the record. It seems that CGF has not engaged in this kind of "relationship" before. While they too have been enjoying the sex part of it, they weren't mentally prepared for the emotional part of it. Having a friend with benefits has forced them to confront the things missing in their life. Ironically I had a backhand influence on this. CGF and I are connected on social media, Insta to be exact. It has been mentally occurring to them that they are nothing more than a living vibrator as I described previously. While B gets to go home to pets and a spouse and an actual home, CGF is left alone each time one of these trysts happens. B gets to go back to a warm fluffy bed with all the niceties of home life, while CGF sleeps in a twin bunk bed as a guest in someone else's trailer. That's been hitting them hard. As a result, whatever comment B made Thursday really stung. This is also why B came home later than expected Thursday night. Last night we're sitting around watching TV together and B says CGF wants to talk. They knew what was coming. They felt the vibe being off all day between them. After some discussion, B goes around 9:30 to meet them at a Red Robin halfway between the two of them. My suggestion obviously because, well, I didn't want them to be engaged all night in breakup sex. B also didn't want to be some place where it could get overly emotional and agreed it was good to do it in public. They ended up being gone for 2 hours, but when they got home at midnight, I was informed it is over. CGF needs more and wants to focus on their life. They need to work on having a healthy relationship that can go somewhere. That's all I got out of B. Fair. Since this is the third time they've "ended" things, B was not a major mess. Slight mess, but way better than before. Mostly because this time it was on their own terms and not being forced by someone else. 

What does all this mean for us? To be honest, I don't know. We're still planning on going out tonight, we're still planning to do things this weekend. Will it mean more physical contact for us? I don't know. I feel it will mean the playing field is a little more level. Now B has to "date" and see how things have been for me struggling with all this. Plus, MCGF and I are moving forward. We're still having dinner Wednesday. We have an agreed like for each other. If we can figure things out, it will be me out until midnight. B gets to sit at home alone and see how it feels. I do take some pleasure in this. Being honest. Whether they see it or not, they've had things easy. An immediate girlfriend, a place to have sex, a spouse who has been trying to work with them. They're going to have to put some effort in now. Let's see how that changes things.

In other news, I am going to finally take a shower this morning. We have a new water heater. I will put a pic at the end of all this. The crew was here from 9 until 4. It was an all day job. But I get 125 degree water in 15 seconds that never stops being hot. Boo-yah. Extremely happy about this. Still need to put everything away in the basement, but that sounds like a Sunday project. Today I have a hair appointment followed by the clothing swap at my group place. I will be gone the majority of the day. B wanted me to have a life, well here you go. Now tonight we're going to the bar I went before. My friend is going with us too. We will see how it goes. 

I had therapy yesterday which was fun catching up on two weeks of stuff. I also messaged my therapist last night telling them what's going on. This way they will be prepared when I come in Friday. Already looking forward to it. Heh.

Without further ado, our new water heater:

ANA Y1 D49

Still without hot water. They're coming today to the install. Why not yesterday? Because I bit the bullet and I am having a tankless system put in. 11gpm, 199,000 BTU on demand fancy ass system. It's an all day job so they will be here at 9 and done by 5pm. No, it's not cheap. Double what a tank would have cost us, but it's an investment in the house. This unit is so powerful we can wash dishes, do laundry, and take a shower all at the same time. We can easily add another bathroom to this house and have hot water for both showers to go at the same time. Want to take a bath? The water will be hot the whole time the tub fills. I am happy about all that.

In other news, I had 3 hours of sleep again. Had a really bad dream. Plus B stretched the fucking boundaries once more. I told them to go out last night with my blessing because I need them here today for the water heater and Saturday for stuff. I figured if they went out last night they wouldn't be all mopey this weekend. Well, we also decided to see if going out earlier helped. It did not because they are a fucking bitch. They went out two hours earlier and STILL came home at 11:40. The whole fucking point of going out earlier is to get home earlier. Whatever. I will play nice until it's time not to play nice. Tired of being used.

MCGF and I talked a lot yesterday. We both confessed we've been crushing since our trip to Hell. At least someone out there likes me.

Therapy this morning. This will be a load of fun.

ANA Y1 D48

Woo boy did I jinx myself yesterday. Right now I have a flooded laundry room. Why? The water heater exploded. Yeah. You read that right. Sometime around 7:30 B goes into the laundry room and yells for me. The whole room is soaked. We tracked the water and found the bottom of the water heater has a big hole in it. We moved things and used the shop vac to pick up as much as we could. I am waiting for the same people who did our AC to call me this morning. I just got the AC down to one last payment and now I am going to have to do it all again with a water heater. Motherfucker. That's how I spent my evening.

The real shitty part is I had a good day. B and I talked through some stuff. Including them not going out quite as late. I thought they were going out late because of CGF's schedule. But no, it's B's stupid must have sex in the dark thing. We discussed them maybe going out at 6 or 6:30 instead of 8 or 8:30. This way they can be home by 11:30 on weekdays which will make this less stressful for me. Weekends are a different story and there can be more flexibility there. But Sun-Thurs, let's keep it early. Of course this is for both of us. If it works out with me and my CGF, I will abide by the same. I need a better name for her. Um... MCGF. Sure. That works. We also talked about frequency. Realistic is two times per week for going out. Depending on the week, three or four can be discussed. But not every night. Not every weekend. Again, this is for both of us. Like next week Tuesday and Wednesday are good days because I have group on Tuesday and then my date with MCGF. Nobody is sitting home alone. Monday might also work next week so B gets three days. I also learned that basically they have six weeks left with CGF. That's when they're leaving back to Seattle. Unknown if they will be returning. Six more weeks of this until we enter into a 'normal' relationship. No, not relationship, playing field? Where we're both dating and trying to find a partner. But if MCGF and I have established something by then, who knows how it will play out. 

In the short term though, need a water heater. I am going to be taking a whore's bath this morning. Either that or a cold shower. Might do that just because. Or no shower at all. Not sure yet. I need to at least wash my face.

Happy fucking thursday.  

ANA Y1 D47

I slept last night. For almost 6 hours. Why? Because B and I got home within five minutes of each other. I didn't have to sit here alone pondering, worrying, making shit up in my head. Nope. I was barely done taking the dog outside when they came in the door. I was having my OWN life. That's such a huge difference. 

Yesterday during the day I taught. 8 people, moderately good group. My only issue with them is they have variable knowledge levels. Some people are bored off their ass, others are struggling to keep up. The gap in skill level is pretty large. I was having to adjust on the fly and go down rabbit holes. But we go through it and have day two today. We finished about an hour early yesterday but I don't expect the same today.

Speaking of rabbit holes, I made my next tattoo appointment. Doing two more pieces. A cat on a pumpkin on my arm and my Watership Down piece on my leg. I don't know if I ever showed you all the WD piece, but I am excited about it. It means something to me and only me which makes it special. The cat on a pumpkin is a total whim. These will be pieces 26 and 27. Only about 8 more to go. Yeah right.

After class I went to group. Good session this week. Some drama but nothing involving me thankfully. We have a clothing swap planned for Saturday, and a camping trip in August. In a house by a lake, don't think I'm sleeping outside bitches. I am inserting myself well into group. Just like with cast I am establishing a presence and will move into a position of power at some point. No, that's not a claim, it's a fact. You all know how I am. I can't help it. It's my energy level. After group we went to the bar and I was there until 11. Got home around 11:20 and B got home at 11:30. They had first gone to a friend's new house around 5 and then about 8 they asked if I minded if they went to CGF. I said I didn't mind IF they could come home a little earlier so we could spend some together. For once they respected the boundary. We had a nice fall asleep cuddle around midnight. I don't teach until 11 again today and didn't push myself to get up early. I figured fuck it, I will try to sleep. 

I just need the reassurance and for them to show me I'm the priority. I do have a date next week on Wednesday. My friend who I went to Hell with recently and I are going out. We are going to see if we can be friends with benefits. We don't know if it will work, but we're going to try. We both have an attraction so let's see where it goes. Upside is they know my situation, I know theirs. They are experienced in this sort of lifestyle and know how to navigate it. For me, they are a CIS woman which is what I am attracted to and want to have as a partner. My other friend is enjoying having a car of their very own and was excited last night to be able to just drive home from work without any issues.

On a work note, I may have to go back onsite in October. Bentley no less. I don't know what I am going to do about that. Have to talk to my therapist on Friday. 

I think that's everything? As usual these days it was a busy 24 hours. Ah, remember when I lived in uninteresting times?

ANA Y1 D46

Feeling more meh today. I'm definitely pulling a Bateman right now. Smile all nice and pretty on the outside, inside planning and scheming and looking for the exit. But there is no exit. 

Another day of going through the motions. I did some work, prepped for today's class. Prepped for some classes next week. I may have an actual onsite in October. That will be interesting. Back to being in front of people. We will see how that goes. Have a meeting on the 19th to discuss with client. B decided in the afternoon that last night was to be a sex night. They went out around 7:30 and came traipsing in around 1am. Still don't get how you have sex for four fucking hours. Oh shit, I almost forgot the real highlight of yesterday.

We took a break in the early afternoon to go to the pet store and while we were out B needed to stop at a CVS. They needed some text strips because things down below were feeling "off". They fucking tried to blame me. That somehow I brought them home some STD. Um, not me my dude. I'm not the one off banging 5 times a week. Other than B, my only external traipses have been with the couple and we did everything safely. So sorry, if you caught something, it was from CGF not me. Well, it turns out they actually have a full blown bladder infection because without me home they let themselves get too dehydrated and fucked up their insides. Blaming me when I am the one who fucking save you from this shit. 

I also went out last night. Went to my friends house, played scrabble, shot the shit. Was a very nice time. I got home at the very reasonable time of 11:30 because you know, I'm an adult. Whatever.

Teach today, then group, then drinks. I wish it was feasible for me to stay out late, but once again, I will be home by 11 or so. Because, I am an adult. If I do things right today though, I won't have to talk to them at all.

ANA Y1 D45

Well, I am home. Things are awkward for me. I don't think as much for B, because they are living in this fantasy world that everything is fine. But let's back up, shall we?

Got to the airport 30 minutes too late to get on an earlier flight. I was very annoyed at that. Plus my companion started their period (which explains their reluctance to do anything on Saturday) and was in a mood all day. Since we missed the flight it meant we had 4 hours to kill until our flight. I am used to this kind of thing, they are not. They were grumpy the whole time we sat in the lounge. Got on our flight, landed at 2:45 as planned, got our bags, and B was there at 3:15.

Everything felt distant. Like they say they're happy I am home, but it's just not there. It was like they were picking up a roommate, not their spouse. The whole drive home was quiet. They didn't ask about my trip, no physical touch, nothing. We got home and the dog was happy to see me. A fraction of that excitement would have been nice out of my spouse. But alas, not to be.

There was a pile of presents on the table for me which was surprisingly nice. Not going to deny that. The cards they got me were nice too. But here's the problem: emotionally they are trying to connect. I get that. But I need MORE than that. I don't want just an emotional connection. I need a physical one too and that's missing. We discussed my trip, their week, etc. They seem to conveniently be misremembering their plans while I was gone. They downplayed how many times they were out of the house. Whatever. Either they are choosing to remember it a certain way or they think they are saving my feelings, but little do they know, I already know exactly where they were each night I was gone. Silly rabbit. I know all.

We had a cuddle (they asked for it) but again it was flat. I was a body pillow with a pulse. We ordered dinner (cuddled while we waited for it to arrive), watched some tv, then they fell asleep at like 8. I don't know if they got back up as I went to bed around 10:30. Maybe they did, maybe they didn't. Don't know, don't care. They were in the bed when I woke up at 5, but that doesn't mean anything. 

While they were sleeping I helped one of my friends through some stuff. They were having issues with their ex and car stuff. They were on the edge and really suicidal. I talked them down, got them thinking clearly again, and made a plan for them for the week. Easier to help others than myself.

I teach twice this week, have group tomorrow, but that's it. Let's see how this week goes.

ANA Y1 D44

Heading home. On a normal time flight too. Not a 4am flight like usual. Don't leave here until 1pm. Land at 2:45. If I had my way I would be headed to the airport right now to change my flight but my companion is asleep and has been since 7pm last night. They were hungover all day yesterday and useless. We did nothing. We went to a vape shop because mine broke, we went and had one last dessert, but that was it. Most of the day was spent in the room. Fun.

I am ready to go home but then again I'm not. Being home just makes everything real again. It means I have to confront and deal with everything. It means I have to deal with a disconnected spouse who won't be able to go fuck five times a week. I wish I was joking about the frequency. Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Hours at a time. They've had more sex in the last 8 weeks than in the last 5 years. Me, I'm over here doing nothing. Maybe I will get lucky and my plane will crash. Maybe. Easier than dealing with all this.

ANA Y1 D43

 Got in about 5 hours sleep last night. Not horrible. Not great either but I will take it. I was able to sleep again because once more I didn't fuck my own brain up by worrying about or caring what B was doing. Even if technology wanted me to know. That was part of my problem earlier in the week. I can turn shit off, but oh no, apps decided they needed to show me alerts and unread messages. I have notifications off on most of them, but every now and then, something sneaks through. When that happens I suddenly am treated to a whole week's worth of information. Some of which I didn't want to know. These apps think they are helping, but in reality they suck. Last night I managed to ignore anything being sent to me and it helped immensely. 

We started the day by going to OMB - Olde Mecklenburg Brewery. Nothing like a little day drinking to get things going. We drank, we ate, we enjoyed the hell out of ourselves. We then went back to the room, had a nice nap, and got ready for the evening. We had a number of bars/clubs we wanted to check out so we figured out where everything was and then scoped a few out. Some were perm closed, some didn't have a good vibe. We ended up at Hattie's Taproom. Hung out there a bit, came back to the hotel, had dinner, then my companion's friend who lives near here joined us. They drove about an hour to meet us and the three of us went back to Hattie's. We ended up there until after midnight. Not once did I look at or dwell on my phone. Go me.

Around midnight we all decided we needed milkshakes and food from cook out. Yep. It was happening. Got back to the room around 1am, stuffed our faces, and went to bed around 2. Then and only then, did I message B saying I was going to bed. 

Last day here. Going to pack, going to chill. No exciting plans planned. Maybe go to a museum, but that's it. We need a decompress day. Heck, I might even go back to sleep. 

ANA Y1 D42

I finally fucking slept! Took many days and a lot of letting go, but finally I got a solid 7 hours of sleep. Miracles. I didn't sleep the night before hence my lovely one word post from yesterday. Why was I able to sleep last night for the first time since we got here? Because it was the first night my spouse wasn't spending the night fucking their girlfriend. Seriously. Sunday night. Tuesday night. Wednesday night. I am sure they will be back over there tonight because it's been a whole day since they got their rocks off, but at least I had one night of a break. Joy. 

Wednesday was actually a fun day. Went to an amusement park which I hadn't done in probably a decade plus. It was 93 with a 108 heat index so we were melting most of the day. But we still had a great time. Rode 5 out of the 10 or so "big" coasters, ate all day, walked 15,000 steps per my companion's Fitbit. 

Yesterday we went to a bird sanctuary and gardens followed by the NASCAR Hall of Fame. Then we had an incredible birthday dinner.

Oh yeah, it was my birthday yesterday but apparently most of you all forgot. That was also contributing to my shit mood. The first birthday greeting I got was from B. Yay you think? No. Because they sent it at 12:01am FROM CGF'S HOUSE. Talked about mixed messages. "I love you, but hold on let me get my tongue out of this vagina first". That's how it felt to me. They didn't get home from there until 2. How is that supposed to make me feel? Does that mean I am the priority? "Hold on a sec, let me text my spouse then you can continue fucking me". These are the things I am struggling with right now. I don't know how to separate my feelings like that. On top of that, other than B, the kid, and my sister only two friends remembered it was my birthday. One sent me a message at 2am, the other at like 4pm. Otherwise, dead air. All day. Stings a bit that I don't have enough friends who remember or care. 

Today we are going to a beirgarten at North Carolina's oldest brewery. Couple more days here then I go home. To be honest, other than the shit sleep, this is one of the better vacations I've had.

ANA Y1 D41

 Whatever.

ANA Y1 D40

Even on vacation my brain won't let me sleep any more. I tried falling back to sleep but it didn't stick. So fuck it, I am up whether I like it or not. Oh well.

Currently in North Carolina. Charlotte to be exact. It's very nice here. We're in a fancy part of town and it shows. I can also see how on the outskirts it goes from really nice to dirt ass poor rather quickly. Our hotel is super nice. Two room suite with a nice courtyard view. Balcony, nice bed, good shower. I like the hotel. The food also has been excellent too. We had Cook Out which is a NC fast food staple. Basically fast food BBQ, but done really well. 40 different varieties of shakes on the menu. I had a peanut butter banana which was awesome.

Our flight here was delayed an hour, but not a big deal since we only had the one flight. We got a mini cooper for our rental car. I'm loving this little car. Zip zip baby.

I keep saying "we" and not sure if I ever clarified who I am on this trip with this week. I am here with B's (now mine) friend. I say now mine because we've been talking this whole time and they too feel like B has left them behind. Also they understand why I was pissed off at B's coming home at 4am bullshit. At least someone gets why I am annoyed about that. Of course they went over to CGF's last night. Not even gone 12 hours and fuck fuck fuck like rabbits. Or whatever it is lesbians do. 

I am tired of this shit. Tomorrow is my fucking birthday and something tells me it will be the worst one in a long time. Today we are going to a baby six flags. Maybe I will fall off a ride and this can all be over. Or at least some brain damage? Then I can forget about all this and be happy as a vegetable. That would work too.

We did eventually get here around 1pm, checked into the hotel, unpacked, did some shopping, had dinner, came back, and just chilled. They fell asleep around 8pm, I laid down at 9:30, slept for 2 hours, woke up at 11:15, fell back to sleep until 2:45 and finally gave up at 3:20. This is how this whole week is going to be, isn't it?

FML.

I am planning my two next tattoos for the end of the month. Let's see if I can get in.

ANA Y1 D39

Even though B and I spent the entire day together yesterday it wasn't there. "It" meaning the vibe. It was just off all day. Sorry, they broke something in me by coming home at 4 in the goddamn morning. They just don't get it. Selfish. It's the only word I have for it. Plain and simple, they are being selfish. I hope they have fun this week while I am gone because when I get back, I don't think it's going to be fun for them any more. This is the path you have chosen due to you're own selfishness, prepare to walk it. This week I am going to see if I can remove their name from some of the bank accounts. I don't have to worry about the house or the cars, just the bank stuff. Don't look at me like that. You knew this was coming the same way deep down I did too. I just can't play second fiddle to anyone any more. I have been balancing this much better than they have. There's only so much time I can give before reaching a breaking point. All day I just didn't want to be near them. I played nice, but I swear I said as little as possible while pretending it was all good. But they knew. They could tell I was the distant one this time. They just broke me. 

And now, the price has to be paid.

Leave in 2.5 hours. Five days away from them. I plan to keep communication to the barest of minimums. Enough so they don't suspect anything, but nothing beyond that. I don't think I could do this if I wasn't going with someone else. If it was just me this would be a disaster. I should be distracted enough that I make it through this week.

Something tells me I am about to have the worst birthday ever. 

ANA Y1 D38

I give an inch, they take a fucking mile. Who the fuck has sex for 6+ hours?? WHO? Fuck this. 3:40am is when her fucking highness came home. No messages, no nothing. I didn't know if they were alive or fucking dead. Dead would have been preferable to be honest. Alive just means you're a fucking bitch with no respect for other people's feelings. I leave in 23 hours and might not come back this time. 

I went to Hell yesterday with my new friend. Had a great time. I was home by 4 because I respect other people. But you know, that's me.

Went grocery shopping at 9:30pm. Because I wanted to sleep a little this morning. Gee, I guess 2.5 hours is enough.

Fuck this.

ANA Y1 D37

 I got more than 45 minutes sleep last night thank goodness. Almost 8 hours this time. Not solid, what are you joking? Solid sleep? You kidder. No, but at least I slept. Even if it was in annoying chunks. So let's back up. Let's talk first about what annoyed me Friday (because it raised its head yesterday too). I spent the majority of Friday dealing with sad mopey B. But hey, good partner, being supportive, blah fucking blah blah. The minute things were resolved, B was right on the phone having a video call with CGF and her roommate. They were in the other room but ALL of my guests could hear her in their laughing and being like a goddamn teenager. That's the shit I have a problem with to be honest. Treat it like it fucking is and stop being this way. Balance better. Read the fucking room. 

Anyway. Moving on to Saturday. We agreed to make Saturday our day since I will be going out of town and I have plans for today. I keep forgetting Monday is a holiday and we will also have that technically but I digress. We stuck to the plan - we watched the final ST4, cried a lot. Then we started on Umbrella Academy. Watched a few episodes and went for sushi.

While we were at sushi, my friend texted and asked if I wanted to go out. B said, well, if you want to switch tonight for tomorrow night, let's see if I can make plans. Okay, fair enough. They also said that if I wanted to make plans they had no problem. No, only if we both can make plans would I do that because otherwise I am being a dick. Unfortunately they couldn't confirm plans so we stuck with our original plan of spending time together. But it felt off after all that. Why? Because at the thought of seeing CGF be got more animated, excited, etc. Look, I know this is all new and exciting, but for fuck's sake, balance better. It's the only words I have right now to describe what needs to happen. Prioritize. Don't be a cunt. 

Along those same lines, good partner here, I did say, hey if you want to make plans for Sunday or Monday night, go ahead. It really doesn't impact me. They also explained that on weeknights CGF has to be in bed by 11 for work so weekends are better. I get that because of my couple where Friday was the best night. Since Monday is a holiday I did say, fine go out Sunday night if you want. No skin off my nose. And Monday I am going to bed early because we fly out Tuesday. BUT here's where I am hoping they have a little fucking respect and realize they have an entire fucking week without me at home including a Friday and Saturday where I won't be there. So give me a break? But no, they're too caught up in their own little world to see that. That needs to change. Fast.

Today I am going to Hell MI. My friend (yes, MY friend) and I are heading out around 11, should be back by dinner time, but who knows if my spouse will be here when I get back. Ah, the mysteries of the universe. 

ANA Y1 D36

Guess who is back together. Yep. CGF and B are back on. Joy. Does it really matter? No. Do I care what they do while I am gone? No. But now I have to spend the next three days with someone who is only wanting to go see their crush all day. Fuck me.

I did have a decent day. I went to therapy which was good. I played video games, watched some TV, then had friends over. MY friends. We played CAH, ate pizza, played scrabble. Everyone left around midnight. Reminded me of the olden days when I had epic friday night parties that ended in cuddle puddles. 

Because of all that I got an hour sleep so meh. Don't feel like writing this morning.

ANA Y1 D35

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Yesterday morning I said, gee I hope Thursday is less exciting than Wednesday. I might as well have said "hey universe, be nice". Okay, I have to get the timeline right here and not miss anything...

I got up, did my morning shit, did a little work, and then around 9 I heard B stirring upstairs. Their mood had not yet improved. So I laid there in bed with them once again being supportive and kept my mouth shut about everything. Guess what happened? Yep. We had sex. Again, it was anger/frustration sex, but not going to say no. Especially since my plans for tonight were changed. B ended up falling back to sleep and I did some more work.

Around 1pm, they were debating if they should even go back to the campsite. Part of the issue is they have been completely bored this whole week regardless. Couple reasons for that - first, they only went with one friend this year. Normally it's four or five of them that go and it gives more people to do things with, hang out and talk to, etc. Second, the person they did go with is a big old lump. All he has done is get high, take naps, and play on his switch. Lastly, the campsite they chose really doesn't have much to offer. Previous campsites had nice trails, lake activities, etc. This one doesn't have much in the way of stuff other than a lake which isn't for swimming. Just kayaking, floats, etc. Can't just walk the shore and putz around in the water. Hence, boredom. This is what I saw on monday when I thought it was me. B made the decision to go back to the campground with me and pack shit up. Their friend could have it through today, but they were done. 

We got there around 1, packed up, back home by 3. Unloaded everything and then exhausted, collapsed on the bed for a few. B thanked me for the morning and said it had helped get rid of some anger and frustration. I replied with "any time". To which they said "now?". Wait, what? Again? Okie dokie! So yeah, we did it again. Now I noticed something this time which I had only sort of noticed in the morning. First off, we were having sex twice in one day. Both times NOT IN THE DARK. But the important part was they were giving me feedback and direction. Something I have wanted forever. I need to know things are working or not. I need to know which direction to move. To that I will say, look whatever B and CGF have been getting up to? It fucking is helping. It's making them more confident and secure about their body. If this is what being a supportive caring partner gets me, then hot diggity. 

They fell back to sleep. I watched two episodes of Obi-Wan. Not sure if I like it, but it's short enough I will watch the whole thing. Ate leftovers, cleaned the fridge, went to bed around 11. B woke up around 9. I think they were up until about 1am. All good.

Tonight I do have friends coming over for game night. B has been kind enough to say that if they aren't up to socializing they will go downstairs and watch TV. Thank you. They may still have plans. I think they're trying to arrange a date since their original plans were with CGF. I know they talked during the day yesterday, but I don't think anything changed. Don't know and frankly don't care. Look, I am coming out the other side of this. My trauma is subsiding, my anxiety is dissipating. I know they're not leaving me, cheating on me, or abandoning me. They do still need to learn how to balance things better and show me more that I am priority, but I think we will get there. If it really is over with CGF, that's not a bad thing. This was a true infatuation and maybe with the next one they will do better at compartmentalizing their feelings. 

We shall see.

Side note - it was my sister's 21st anniversary yesterday. Proof this shit can work. I hope to be like them in that respect some day.