ANA Y1 D58

Yesterday was a big improvement. B was functional, alert, ate food, did activities around the house, and even went out to game night. I was very impressed at how much they were able to accomplish. Most importantly they seem to be back in touch with reality. Next week they have an appointment with a career counselor. They're also looking into outpatient programs for suicide and severe depression. The kind of place that can prescribe drugs, with real psychiatrists, and will put you away immediately if you're a threat to yourself or others. Their therapist yesterday and their cousin the night before, basically gave them the same advice - stop thinking so far ahead. Focus day by day, hour by hour if needed. My therapist basically said the same thing. Stop thinking of all possible outcomes and focus on the one in front of you. I still don't know what the future holds whether we're together or not, but yeah, right now, just need to get through each day.

As for the day itself, I got up, went to the grocery store. Came back, watched a little TV, played some video games, and relaxed. Just tried to let the weight of these last few days wash over me. I did have a serious crying session as my anxiety warped to 11. When B got up, they immediately went on their therapy call. I let them have their space and come to me. The first thing they asked for was a hug. Improvement. We then went through a pile of stickers I ordered. Distraction. Then we made dinner together. We made chicken curry and they chopped the chicken for me. While I did dinner prep, they fed the axies. Good. Then they worked on a chia pet I got them. Also good. Focus on something manageable, one task at a time. After dinner we went to our friends house and we were there from about 6:30 until 10. A reasonable time out given everything. When we got home we started to make a checklist of daily tasks they need to accomplish. Some of them are to give B more responsibilities around the house. So basic stuff like "brush teeth" but also "check mail". As dumb as that may sound, this is a big part of the problem. They have nothing to do except sit in their head and feel useless and a burden. Instead, let's give them something to do. We still drugged them for bed. I know that sounds horrible, but if we don't they won't sleep.

I'm still scared and nervous what tomorrow brings, but one hour at a time. My hours today including some minimal things like going to the store, making chicken salad, and if it stops raining, yard work. Just focus a little bit at a time. I have a shit schedule this next week. 3am to noon again. I have to be in bed by 8 tonight which gives B a lot of time alone. I hope things are going to be okay. No matter what, I just want them to be alive and happy.