ANA Y1 D57

My spouse is still alive for now and still my spouse. One of those two things is going to change some time in the near future unfortunately. I got up yesterday and went to my therapist who was 30 minutes late causing me massive anxiety. I cried pretty much the whole appointment. Since B is not their patient nor have they directly heard them say they want to kill themselves, they couldn't do much of anything. We did start coming up with a plan though. I also told her some of the things B said to me Thursday night:

• I've never loved you except platonically
• This isn't what marriage is supposed to be
• I can't keep going to bed with someone I don't want to hug or kiss
• I love you but would rather be dead than hurt you
• I never wanted to open our marriage

There was more but things are blurring together in my head. But the bottom line is, we won't be married much longer I feel. Unless we go through some serious counseling and some sacrifices are made, this marriage is over. I started looking at houses where the kid lives. I can find something in my price range. Won't be the nicest house, but it would be a house. Or I can stay here and just keep living my life. I don't know. I can't think that far out yet. I think B knows they aren't going to walk away from this without having to give up a few things. Like the house. I really don't want to move again. I don't want to start over again. Maybe, just maybe we can figure things out. I am not hopeful right now, but we will see. Even just typing this my anxiety is spiking so bad. Back to yesterday. Part of our plan was for me to call B's main therapist. I managed to track down the number and called. They wouldn't confirm or deny B was a patient. I told them I understood, that I didn't expect them to talk to me, but they needed to pass along to B's doctor that they were suicidal and needed to be talked to immediately. I did all this from my doctor's office parking lot. I went and had bloodwork done yesterday. Six week mark. Six weeks. Wow. Which means it's been about eight since all of this has started. Fuck me.

I got back home and waited for B to wake up. That happened around 1pm. They were doing no better. They refused to contact their therapist who did in fact reach out. They made it clear in no uncertain terms that if I tried to check them in somewhere they would kill themselves. That they had "backup plans on top of backup plans". I didn't know what to do. I finally thought of an idea. I reached out to B's cousin who she is VERY close to, and also happens to be a family therapist. They got here around 3 and the two of them talked for hours. As of about 8pm, B was calmed down and off the ledge. She convinced B to make an appointment for today which is at 1pm. She convinced B not to do anything short term - anything. Last night was to be a "light night". Nothing serious, nothing intense. We watched tv, B promised to not look at anything too intense on the phone, oh and Cousin's boyfriend is a career counselor and B is going to work with him to move forward. Excellent. At 10pm B took two Benadryl and around 11pm we went to bed. I don't know when they fell asleep though. I was too mentally exhausted and after a brief anxiety attack thinking about being divorced, I fell asleep. 

I don't know what today is going to bring. I just don't. I don't know what tomorrow or next week holds. I am scared, confused, angry, and a million other emotions. I don't want to lose B. I really don't. I do love them. But this isn't a life. It's hell.