Here's one to ponder - is there someone for everyone? Or is it a Hallmark myth? What if for some of us there was just one person, it didn't work, and that's it. Do we compromise and take the "almost" someone for me, or do you just accept that you are not suited/destined/worthy of someone else?
Not reveling in self-pity, just pondering. You will smack me when you hear why I started pondering this. I started thinking about Christmas and New Year's. Yeah, I know it's not even August yet, but I was thinking about if I will spend another Christmas alone. I started thinking about it because I was looking through the new Guitar Center catalog and thinking how it would have been nice to have received one of the things in there for my birthday and how I didn't get any gifts at all from anyone this year which made me think if I will get anything from anyone come christmas time or am I destined/fated/slated/cursed to be alone again. See, that's how my mind works. Twisted motherfucker that I am. Yay me.
I was texting with LO last night and she reminded me that when school starts in a couple of weeks she won't be able to text all hours of the night any more.
When school starts. Oh my god. Talk about a dose of reality. I forget she is still a fucking kid. She is still in college for crying out loud. I am a fucking cradle robber. In four or five months it won't be so bad as she will graduate, but until them, I have relations with a girl still in school. Fucking pervert.
Funny thing about her, I saw some pics one of her friends posted on FB. She is at some club in the pics with all these little 20 something boys around her and it definitely wasn't jealousy when I saw the pictures because I know something they don't. I was being wistful when it hit me -- dude, she's not just your "friend" -- you fucked that. You pounded that three ways to Sunday for a week straight. All those guys in the picture with her looking at her like puppy dogs *hoping* to catch a glimpse of her are punk asses next to you because YOU ALREADY HAVE BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT. I know, rude and arrogant, but true. I could phrase it in a nice polite way, but at the end of the day? Yeah I fucked that. Good for the ol' ego that's for sure.
Did work for three different clients again yesterday. Another long day. I did go grocery shopping because I was running out of food and there wasn't much I could do about it. I used one of my few credit cards with even a little bit of balance on it to get about $100 worth of groceries. Mostly staples to have with the meat I picked up the other day. I should have enough now to roll through until the kid leaves. Once she leaves I will go back to eating dirt. Hell, I might even lose another 10 lbs. That will be pretty now won't it? Skinny little bitch...
Did laundry as desired last night. One thing out of the way for the weekend. Today is house cleaning day. Room by room methodical cleaning. The kid is going out with her grandmother later which will give me some time to clean without anyone in my way. I want to scrub the fuck out of this place until it smells like a hospital.
Speaking of hospitals - they transferred my brother to one of the major hospitals in the area to interview his qualifications as a heart transplant recipient. While I don't know the results yet, I have a feeling I know what they told him. Basically the same things I have been rambling on about here. Let's see how close I am.
I am still on OKCupid. I like the site. Let's see if anything comes of that.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Y2 D65
The pain is abating. I am not 100% yet, but on my way to recovery. I can move my neck almost all the way. I took another of the muscle relaxers last night. Helped me sleep but I took it late and I am now a bit groggy. I have to drive a decent ways to today's client too. I should be clear in a little while.
Yesterday was an extremely busy day. I started at 6 my time with one client who is three hours ahead. I then started work on a different client, and finally at 3 went off to yet another. I didn't get home until 7:30. Very long day. But I need the hours. I need at least another 200 hours before the end of August to make sure I am ahead for September. I might have a 4-5 week project on the road starting the second or third week of August which will help, but between now and then, it's looking kind of light.
Made dinner for the kid when I got home. Yes, she's still here. One more week. Then my life goes back to the quiet solitude I have come to terms with over the last year. I enjoy having her around, but at the same time, I do like my alone time I realize. After dinner, we decided to watch an old classic - Clockwork Orange. She has read the book, but never watched the movie.
Sometimes I find it weird to watch certain things with my kid. My parents never watched movies like that with me when I was young, granted I had a much different relationship not only with my parents but life in general when I was her age. Hm. That made me think about something. When I was her age, my mom had already died, I was doing massive amounts of drugs on the weekends to cope with life, working 40 hours a week, dating her mother, and definitely not hanging out with adults watching movies. Interesting how different things are. No matter what, I have done right by my kid. I will always be proud of that fact.
Anyway, watched the movie, hit the sack. That's that. Tonight? Nothing major. Start laundry as to not have to do it this weekend. Start cleaning the house a little. That's our big weekend plans. After her friend and cousins being here, the house needs a good once-over. Maybe re-arrange some furniture, hang out at the pool. In other words, a cheap boring weekend. Perfect.
Yesterday was an extremely busy day. I started at 6 my time with one client who is three hours ahead. I then started work on a different client, and finally at 3 went off to yet another. I didn't get home until 7:30. Very long day. But I need the hours. I need at least another 200 hours before the end of August to make sure I am ahead for September. I might have a 4-5 week project on the road starting the second or third week of August which will help, but between now and then, it's looking kind of light.
Made dinner for the kid when I got home. Yes, she's still here. One more week. Then my life goes back to the quiet solitude I have come to terms with over the last year. I enjoy having her around, but at the same time, I do like my alone time I realize. After dinner, we decided to watch an old classic - Clockwork Orange. She has read the book, but never watched the movie.
Sometimes I find it weird to watch certain things with my kid. My parents never watched movies like that with me when I was young, granted I had a much different relationship not only with my parents but life in general when I was her age. Hm. That made me think about something. When I was her age, my mom had already died, I was doing massive amounts of drugs on the weekends to cope with life, working 40 hours a week, dating her mother, and definitely not hanging out with adults watching movies. Interesting how different things are. No matter what, I have done right by my kid. I will always be proud of that fact.
Anyway, watched the movie, hit the sack. That's that. Tonight? Nothing major. Start laundry as to not have to do it this weekend. Start cleaning the house a little. That's our big weekend plans. After her friend and cousins being here, the house needs a good once-over. Maybe re-arrange some furniture, hang out at the pool. In other words, a cheap boring weekend. Perfect.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Y2 D64
How do you explain to someone who has never been in pain what it feels like? They have no point of reference and while they may try, they can never truly empathize with you. You have no words to describe the searing pain shooting through your body. They don't get it. Especially when there is no visible trauma. A broken limb, bruises, cuts, this people understand because there is a tangible they can see. When it's something like what I am experiencing right now, there is no comprehension.
Especially when you are a client paying $200 an hour for me to be there and all you care about is getting your project completed. Or a boss who is whoring you out at $200 an hour and wants to get paid. To them you are whining. How do I explain that the very act of being conscious right now is screaming agonizing pain? Moving my head makes me want to kill someone or at the very least scream.
That is how I spent yesterday. I managed to get into to see the doctor late last night. We have a wonderful extended hours clinic here that is quiet, efficient, and never crowded because unlike most urgent care places, they force you to have an appointment. It's for people like me who can't get to a doctor at normal times, but aren't seriously injured enough to use emergency. They are open from 1pm to 10pm during the week and 8:30 - 5:30 on weekends. Major points and kudos to the wonderful doctors and nurses there.
As expected the doctor really couldn't do much for me other than write a prescription. I was able to take the pills she gave me last night around nine. Knocked me out cold. If I had any pain while I slept, I sure as hell didn't care. I am still in a bit of pain this morning, but definitely much less than yesterday.
She didn't believe it to be shingles but she didn't rule it out. The direction and location of the pain is consistent, but there were no indications of the rash normally associated with it. Because of that, she wants me to watch it closely to see if the rash appears. In the interim she gave me an incredible muscle relaxer to kill pain. Yes. Yes it did. Otherwise, today I am to keep popping advil to minimize inflammation.
In other news, my brother is not responding well to being on IV based medication. I know this only because of a brief update he posted on his site. When and if he gets out of the hospital, him and I are going to have a long talk about our relationship. If he really wants to have a brother in his life, then he needs to treat me like one; not like a red-headed step child. I know this isn't about me, and I will wait until I know he is home safe and recuperated before I have any discussions with him. I am very frustrated at his and his wife's so called "Christian" behavior. I don't want to say any more on that right now because I need to organize my thoughts on what I am trying to convey.
Totally unrelated news -- I joined OkCupid the other day. I actually hit it off a little with someone on the site. We sent a few emails back and forth. Let's see if anything happens.
Especially when you are a client paying $200 an hour for me to be there and all you care about is getting your project completed. Or a boss who is whoring you out at $200 an hour and wants to get paid. To them you are whining. How do I explain that the very act of being conscious right now is screaming agonizing pain? Moving my head makes me want to kill someone or at the very least scream.
That is how I spent yesterday. I managed to get into to see the doctor late last night. We have a wonderful extended hours clinic here that is quiet, efficient, and never crowded because unlike most urgent care places, they force you to have an appointment. It's for people like me who can't get to a doctor at normal times, but aren't seriously injured enough to use emergency. They are open from 1pm to 10pm during the week and 8:30 - 5:30 on weekends. Major points and kudos to the wonderful doctors and nurses there.
As expected the doctor really couldn't do much for me other than write a prescription. I was able to take the pills she gave me last night around nine. Knocked me out cold. If I had any pain while I slept, I sure as hell didn't care. I am still in a bit of pain this morning, but definitely much less than yesterday.
She didn't believe it to be shingles but she didn't rule it out. The direction and location of the pain is consistent, but there were no indications of the rash normally associated with it. Because of that, she wants me to watch it closely to see if the rash appears. In the interim she gave me an incredible muscle relaxer to kill pain. Yes. Yes it did. Otherwise, today I am to keep popping advil to minimize inflammation.
In other news, my brother is not responding well to being on IV based medication. I know this only because of a brief update he posted on his site. When and if he gets out of the hospital, him and I are going to have a long talk about our relationship. If he really wants to have a brother in his life, then he needs to treat me like one; not like a red-headed step child. I know this isn't about me, and I will wait until I know he is home safe and recuperated before I have any discussions with him. I am very frustrated at his and his wife's so called "Christian" behavior. I don't want to say any more on that right now because I need to organize my thoughts on what I am trying to convey.
Totally unrelated news -- I joined OkCupid the other day. I actually hit it off a little with someone on the site. We sent a few emails back and forth. Let's see if anything happens.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Y2 D63
I am in horrible, agonizing, excruciating pain right now. I can't turn my head to the right without screaming.
When it rains it pours?
I can't see back there, but if there is a small rash, then it's another outbreak of shingles aka adult chickenpox aka herpes zoster. I had this once before about 7 or 8 years ago and it felt very similar. All the doctors can do is give anti-viral and let it take its course. There's not much they can do for the pain. If I have caught it early enough, they might be able to give steroids to minimize the pain. Otherwise? I am looking at 7-10 days of hell.
It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have 10,000 things to do today. I don't have TIME for the pain. Remember that old commercial? I have to drive my nieces to the airport in a few hours through rush hour traffic, then I have to head into a client to do a production migration, then I have to work on another client's code. Way too much to be incapacitated right now. At the same time though, if I am screaming every time I move, the other workers might not appreciate it.
LO gave me some comfort just now. As did N. It's nice to have friends who don't sleep sometimes. At least I know they are out there in the great void.
Worked on four different clients yesterday. Busy day. Drove over 100 miles to go to each of their different offices. Made the kids food, watched some TV and that was that. Except of course for this pain. I started feeling it yesterday afternoon. I had a funny feeling it was going to get worse before it got better.
Don't I ever get a break? No, seriously?
I did talk to my brother yesterday. They ripped his defib unit out and have him on machines until they can fight off his infection. Then they will slap a defib vest on him until they can find a new unit to shove in his chest. 2 1/2 more weeks he is looking at before they will send him home. Still in ICU.
What the fuck is going on right now? How about a little peace? Tell your god that will ya? Then tell him to shove all this up his ass. Just when I get one thing settled down, another has to come slamming in? Five fucking minutes. Is that too much to ask?
When it rains it pours?
I can't see back there, but if there is a small rash, then it's another outbreak of shingles aka adult chickenpox aka herpes zoster. I had this once before about 7 or 8 years ago and it felt very similar. All the doctors can do is give anti-viral and let it take its course. There's not much they can do for the pain. If I have caught it early enough, they might be able to give steroids to minimize the pain. Otherwise? I am looking at 7-10 days of hell.
It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have 10,000 things to do today. I don't have TIME for the pain. Remember that old commercial? I have to drive my nieces to the airport in a few hours through rush hour traffic, then I have to head into a client to do a production migration, then I have to work on another client's code. Way too much to be incapacitated right now. At the same time though, if I am screaming every time I move, the other workers might not appreciate it.
LO gave me some comfort just now. As did N. It's nice to have friends who don't sleep sometimes. At least I know they are out there in the great void.
Worked on four different clients yesterday. Busy day. Drove over 100 miles to go to each of their different offices. Made the kids food, watched some TV and that was that. Except of course for this pain. I started feeling it yesterday afternoon. I had a funny feeling it was going to get worse before it got better.
Don't I ever get a break? No, seriously?
I did talk to my brother yesterday. They ripped his defib unit out and have him on machines until they can fight off his infection. Then they will slap a defib vest on him until they can find a new unit to shove in his chest. 2 1/2 more weeks he is looking at before they will send him home. Still in ICU.
What the fuck is going on right now? How about a little peace? Tell your god that will ya? Then tell him to shove all this up his ass. Just when I get one thing settled down, another has to come slamming in? Five fucking minutes. Is that too much to ask?
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Y2 D62
I think I may have found a way out of at least the legal issue. I am probably going to end up owing my bosses even more than I do right now, but at least the situation will be handled. Luckily for me one of my clients sent them a message complimenting the work I have been doing for them. I knew I could show my bosses that the shit in AZ was just a fluke and not my standard mode of operation - at least not when work is involved. Being a drunken loud mouth idiot is normal but only after the day is done.
Regardless, I called the courthouse yesterday morning and found out my fine is going to be around $600 to cover not including whatever DMV adds to that. I did manage to get one of my bills moved out three days which will buy me a little time to make sure that I can pay the $600 without starving in the process. I am cutting it extremely close for about 72 hours, but what the hell. It would be easier if the kid wasn't here because then I wouldn't have to worry about feeding her. My nieces go home tomorrow. While it has been nice having them here, I can't really afford for them to stay any longer.
I have no idea how my brother is. I try to reach him but my calls go off into never never land. He has no updates on his page, neither him nor his wife will answer the phone, and I didn't get a chance to call the hospital because of work yesterday. I am going to try and call tonight to see if I can get an update.
Saw my grandmother yesterday. The girls spent the day at her house as they haven't seen her in a while. They spent the day shopping, at the museum, and then cooking us all a big dinner. I know they find her frustrating, but it was nice to see four generations of family all in the same room. It was my grandmother, my aunt, me, and the kids. A real family moment. I have those so rarely that it takes me by surprise sometimes how enjoyable they can be. None of us are close. Even though we only live twenty five miles apart, I only see her when the Kid is around. It's a long story.
Today is X2's birthday. I hope wherever she is, she has a good one.
Regardless, I called the courthouse yesterday morning and found out my fine is going to be around $600 to cover not including whatever DMV adds to that. I did manage to get one of my bills moved out three days which will buy me a little time to make sure that I can pay the $600 without starving in the process. I am cutting it extremely close for about 72 hours, but what the hell. It would be easier if the kid wasn't here because then I wouldn't have to worry about feeding her. My nieces go home tomorrow. While it has been nice having them here, I can't really afford for them to stay any longer.
I have no idea how my brother is. I try to reach him but my calls go off into never never land. He has no updates on his page, neither him nor his wife will answer the phone, and I didn't get a chance to call the hospital because of work yesterday. I am going to try and call tonight to see if I can get an update.
Saw my grandmother yesterday. The girls spent the day at her house as they haven't seen her in a while. They spent the day shopping, at the museum, and then cooking us all a big dinner. I know they find her frustrating, but it was nice to see four generations of family all in the same room. It was my grandmother, my aunt, me, and the kids. A real family moment. I have those so rarely that it takes me by surprise sometimes how enjoyable they can be. None of us are close. Even though we only live twenty five miles apart, I only see her when the Kid is around. It's a long story.
Today is X2's birthday. I hope wherever she is, she has a good one.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Y2 D61
The universe wasn't done with me obviously. Just to add insult to injury it decided to fuck with me once more. It was bad enough that I have no idea how I am going to pay my bills in the next week while still being able to put food on the table for the kid. It's ok if I don't eat, it's not ok if she doesn't eat. And I am not joking right now. Between now and the sixth I have $700 in bills to go out. I have $400 in my checking account. I can't stop the bills as they are auto payments from American Express and Wells. I am going to TRY and call them today to see if I can push the date out to the sixth to hopefully allow me the opportunity to buy food before the kid goes home on the 8th. I have already resigned myself to the fact that I will not be eating in August. I have some old diet pills I can live on for the month of August. But that's not the worst of it. No, my life just keeps getting better...
I received a notice in the mail this weekend. It would appear that the DMV is suspending my license. Back in March when I was still driving back and forth between places every weekend, I received a speeding ticket. Because I moved shortly after getting the ticket, I never received the notice with the fine amount until after the "court date" had expired. I tried calling the court house three days in a row to find out how much I owed, but couldn't get through. It was one of those things that just ended up slipping from my mind. Now it has caught up with me. I need to try and call the courthouse today to see how much it's going to be to resolve this issue. I am probably going to have to ask my bosses for an advance on the amount. Nice. I will be further indebted to them.
I am also going to broach the subject of increasing my base pay. I can't keep going like this. I am constantly worried and stressed out about everything. I can't function. This weekend out of town was the first time in months where I was able to get a full night's sleep because I was able to push everything out of my mind for 24 hours. Last night, back at home? Nope. I barely got in a solid three hours.
In other news, my sister in law has essentially told me that I attacked her and her faith and her friends which I did no such thing, but because of that she doesn't want me in their life. Fine. Be that way. Seems a bit hypocritical to me though. Tolerance and acceptance, isn't that what your god preaches? Or is that only for those who agree with you?
I received a notice in the mail this weekend. It would appear that the DMV is suspending my license. Back in March when I was still driving back and forth between places every weekend, I received a speeding ticket. Because I moved shortly after getting the ticket, I never received the notice with the fine amount until after the "court date" had expired. I tried calling the court house three days in a row to find out how much I owed, but couldn't get through. It was one of those things that just ended up slipping from my mind. Now it has caught up with me. I need to try and call the courthouse today to see how much it's going to be to resolve this issue. I am probably going to have to ask my bosses for an advance on the amount. Nice. I will be further indebted to them.
I am also going to broach the subject of increasing my base pay. I can't keep going like this. I am constantly worried and stressed out about everything. I can't function. This weekend out of town was the first time in months where I was able to get a full night's sleep because I was able to push everything out of my mind for 24 hours. Last night, back at home? Nope. I barely got in a solid three hours.
In other news, my sister in law has essentially told me that I attacked her and her faith and her friends which I did no such thing, but because of that she doesn't want me in their life. Fine. Be that way. Seems a bit hypocritical to me though. Tolerance and acceptance, isn't that what your god preaches? Or is that only for those who agree with you?
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Y2 D60
I wonder if it's possible to be permanently depressed. I mean is that ok? Is it ok to realize that life for the most part is a bunch of meaningless random shit that really doesn't matter? I think that maybe once you can accept that, then the rest falls into place. If you accept that your life is nothing but a serious of stupid crap that will amount to nothing...
I can't believe it's almost August. Where the hell did this year go already? It seems like just yesterday I was thinking about moving and having to drive back and forth from one area to another. This is why I am feeling like life is nothing but random bullshit. I just keep plodding along. Never moving forward never changing. And people wonder why I am in a permanent state of depression...
I am very much hating life right now. The next person who tells me to get a fucking hobby is out of my life forever. I don't know how I can make it any clearer to people. It's not that I don't have hobbies or interests, it's that I am so fucking broke and stressed trying to keep my head above water that I can't get into anything. I don't have the means to be able to pursue hobbies. I am so busy trying to stay on top of everything and just barely doing that right now. I need to somehow eliminate the financial problem. THAT is the root of all my current issues. I am so far behind on everything I can't move forward. Let me restate it again just for the slow kids out there -- in the last year I have reduced my household income by SEVENTY FIVE PERCENT. But the bills didn't go away. Not to mention you can't change your mental state overnight. I was used to living a certain way based on the household income. It's taking time but I am trying to readjust to the new income level. I still have the same bills though. I need $75,000 in cash to eliminate all the stress. Easy peasy right?
We spent the day at the pool here yesterday. It was nice and relaxing for the kids. I spent the whole day with a false smile on my face because in the back of my mind I was worried about my brother, if I am going to bounce my rent check, how I am going to keep them in food for another week, etc.
I need about $500 to keep me until payday. I have to figure out some way to come up with at least that much in the next 48 hours...
I can't believe it's almost August. Where the hell did this year go already? It seems like just yesterday I was thinking about moving and having to drive back and forth from one area to another. This is why I am feeling like life is nothing but random bullshit. I just keep plodding along. Never moving forward never changing. And people wonder why I am in a permanent state of depression...
I am very much hating life right now. The next person who tells me to get a fucking hobby is out of my life forever. I don't know how I can make it any clearer to people. It's not that I don't have hobbies or interests, it's that I am so fucking broke and stressed trying to keep my head above water that I can't get into anything. I don't have the means to be able to pursue hobbies. I am so busy trying to stay on top of everything and just barely doing that right now. I need to somehow eliminate the financial problem. THAT is the root of all my current issues. I am so far behind on everything I can't move forward. Let me restate it again just for the slow kids out there -- in the last year I have reduced my household income by SEVENTY FIVE PERCENT. But the bills didn't go away. Not to mention you can't change your mental state overnight. I was used to living a certain way based on the household income. It's taking time but I am trying to readjust to the new income level. I still have the same bills though. I need $75,000 in cash to eliminate all the stress. Easy peasy right?
We spent the day at the pool here yesterday. It was nice and relaxing for the kids. I spent the whole day with a false smile on my face because in the back of my mind I was worried about my brother, if I am going to bounce my rent check, how I am going to keep them in food for another week, etc.
I need about $500 to keep me until payday. I have to figure out some way to come up with at least that much in the next 48 hours...
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Y2 D59
I promised I would get into what happened Thursday more today. Here it is - I posted what I wrote here about god and religion on my FB page. This offended my brother's wife because to her I was being negative. I don't think I was being negative at all. We traded words over it and at some point she decided to de-friend me because of it. That took away the only source I had of information about my brother. This pisses me off.
I am pissed off too because no one seems to think I am worthy of even a phone call. The only reason I found out in the first place that my brother was in the hospital was because of a post on her page. I have never done anything to hurt her or their family. It would have been nice to have been thought of originally when he went into the hospital.
My brother's adopted dad is very well known at the hospital having been there for 40 years and at one point head of all orthopedics. Everyone at the hospital knows him and his "family". When I showed up Thursday afternoon to see him the nurse says to me "his family is already in there". I explained I was his brother. She looked at me as if I were a leper. She refused to believe I was his brother and forced me to sit out in the waiting room. After a half hour of sitting someone else came out to me and told me "his family" is still in there. Again I explained I was his brother, but since I wasn't one of the family members they knew, the refused to let me in until "his family" left. I keep putting that in quotes because that's the tone and words they used. Talk about insult and injury. This has all hurt me very much. I ended up leaving and going out with L and drinking.
Yesterday I found out thanks to a text from my brother that he had surgery. They replaced the unit in his chest with a new one. The only reason I found out was because of a text message. He seems to be doing ok, and when I called late last night, the nurses confirmed that everything is looking good. See, the funny thing is the night nurses are sweet to me because his other family all come during the day. They have only met me and don't have any prejudice towards me.
We drove up to my friend's cabin yesterday morning. Took us about three hours as there was no traffic. We spent the day walking around the old town, hanging out at the lake, then I cooked everyone dinner, we watched a couple of movies, and just had a relaxing time. I woke up this morning to the sounds of nature and what is looking like a gorgeous day. I didn't realize how bad I needed to get away until just a few minutes ago. I was out in the backyard and the sound of nothing was so relaxing and peaceful.
Today is going to be a repeat of yesterday. I need this. Bad.
I am pissed off too because no one seems to think I am worthy of even a phone call. The only reason I found out in the first place that my brother was in the hospital was because of a post on her page. I have never done anything to hurt her or their family. It would have been nice to have been thought of originally when he went into the hospital.
My brother's adopted dad is very well known at the hospital having been there for 40 years and at one point head of all orthopedics. Everyone at the hospital knows him and his "family". When I showed up Thursday afternoon to see him the nurse says to me "his family is already in there". I explained I was his brother. She looked at me as if I were a leper. She refused to believe I was his brother and forced me to sit out in the waiting room. After a half hour of sitting someone else came out to me and told me "his family" is still in there. Again I explained I was his brother, but since I wasn't one of the family members they knew, the refused to let me in until "his family" left. I keep putting that in quotes because that's the tone and words they used. Talk about insult and injury. This has all hurt me very much. I ended up leaving and going out with L and drinking.
Yesterday I found out thanks to a text from my brother that he had surgery. They replaced the unit in his chest with a new one. The only reason I found out was because of a text message. He seems to be doing ok, and when I called late last night, the nurses confirmed that everything is looking good. See, the funny thing is the night nurses are sweet to me because his other family all come during the day. They have only met me and don't have any prejudice towards me.
We drove up to my friend's cabin yesterday morning. Took us about three hours as there was no traffic. We spent the day walking around the old town, hanging out at the lake, then I cooked everyone dinner, we watched a couple of movies, and just had a relaxing time. I woke up this morning to the sounds of nature and what is looking like a gorgeous day. I didn't realize how bad I needed to get away until just a few minutes ago. I was out in the backyard and the sound of nothing was so relaxing and peaceful.
Today is going to be a repeat of yesterday. I need this. Bad.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Y2 D58
So I created a shitstorm yesterday with my post about God. It seems I offended my sister-in-law. Tough. It's funny how god people always seem to have the need to "feel sorry for me" because while they "respect my opinion" I am just wrong. Nice amount of tolerance going on there people. You don't need to apologize to me because I don't believe in your invisible man. I am not broken because I don't agree with you. Sorry to disappoint.
She even threatened me not to visit my brother. That was over the line. Seems she got her way though. When I tried to see him yesterday, I wasn't allowed in the room because "he already has his 'family' in there". Really? Oh you mean his adopted family whose ass you all want to kiss. Don't worry about me his blood relative. No it's ok, this heathen will take himself and leave.
I don't feel like writing more about it right now. I promise I will go deeper tomorrow. Right now I am leaving to get out of town for the weekend. I am taking the girls and we are headed to my buddy's cabin at the lake. I need to go. I need to get away.
She even threatened me not to visit my brother. That was over the line. Seems she got her way though. When I tried to see him yesterday, I wasn't allowed in the room because "he already has his 'family' in there". Really? Oh you mean his adopted family whose ass you all want to kiss. Don't worry about me his blood relative. No it's ok, this heathen will take himself and leave.
I don't feel like writing more about it right now. I promise I will go deeper tomorrow. Right now I am leaving to get out of town for the weekend. I am taking the girls and we are headed to my buddy's cabin at the lake. I need to go. I need to get away.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Y2 D57
I am cranky today. My brother is still in the hospital. He had a litre and a half of fluid taken off his lungs yesterday. He looked better when I got there; less bloated than he has. But they still don't know 100% if it's an infection or not. They are waiting for the results of the tests to come back on the fluid to confirm. It's like 99% that it's infected, but since they are planning to ginsu his chest, it's important to be 100% sure.
On a side note, this has nothing to do with "God". There is no divine power people driving this, setting the course, putting you on a path -- no, people get sick, doctors heal them, they either work or don't work afterwards. That's it. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. There is no invisible man in the sky who is looking down on each of us six billion meat bags saying "Hm... today he shall go to the hospital...". No. We are inefficient meat bags. Literally we have the worst design of any creature on this earth. We don't have enough protection to truly be prey, we don't have enough claws or sharp teeth to be predators, we barely use the grey matter in our under protected skulls... We are floppy meat bags. And like cars or anything else, we break. Then we either get fixed or poof, no more meat bag.
Why is it when people can't or don't want to accept a situation or have an explanation for things around them, they default to an invisible entity in the sky? Just accept shit happens. There is no cosmic justice, no divine plan. THIS DOES NOT MEAN I DON'T BELIEVE IN SOMETHING LARGER THAN US. Sorry, had to add that. I refuse to say there is NOTHING out there, I am not that arrogant. But the construct of Judeo-Christian religion is all bullshit. I do think SOMETHING was on this earth at some point to create all the stories we have today - be it an advanced race from here on earth that died out because us meat bags killed them, or be it other races that visited us with advanced technology which appeared to our simple minds us witchcraft or godly powers. I can accept that. I can't accept bullshit that someone is watching all six billion of us at all times. It's pure crap. My brother is in the hospital. He may survive, he may die. If he dies, it will suck. But it's not because "god" wanted him to be in "heaven". It's because he abused his meat bag body and it had genetic faults to start with. Deal. With. It. If he gets better, it's not because everyone prayed and God heard -- it's because the DOCTORS were able to determine the faulty parts and fix them. Tada. Science. Not magic. Not religion.
I picked up my sister's kids yesterday. Good kids. Much more like me than their mom. A little scary, but fun. ;)
Off to do some work, then back to the hospital. If I see "god" while I am out there, I will let you know...
On a side note, this has nothing to do with "God". There is no divine power people driving this, setting the course, putting you on a path -- no, people get sick, doctors heal them, they either work or don't work afterwards. That's it. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. There is no invisible man in the sky who is looking down on each of us six billion meat bags saying "Hm... today he shall go to the hospital...". No. We are inefficient meat bags. Literally we have the worst design of any creature on this earth. We don't have enough protection to truly be prey, we don't have enough claws or sharp teeth to be predators, we barely use the grey matter in our under protected skulls... We are floppy meat bags. And like cars or anything else, we break. Then we either get fixed or poof, no more meat bag.
Why is it when people can't or don't want to accept a situation or have an explanation for things around them, they default to an invisible entity in the sky? Just accept shit happens. There is no cosmic justice, no divine plan. THIS DOES NOT MEAN I DON'T BELIEVE IN SOMETHING LARGER THAN US. Sorry, had to add that. I refuse to say there is NOTHING out there, I am not that arrogant. But the construct of Judeo-Christian religion is all bullshit. I do think SOMETHING was on this earth at some point to create all the stories we have today - be it an advanced race from here on earth that died out because us meat bags killed them, or be it other races that visited us with advanced technology which appeared to our simple minds us witchcraft or godly powers. I can accept that. I can't accept bullshit that someone is watching all six billion of us at all times. It's pure crap. My brother is in the hospital. He may survive, he may die. If he dies, it will suck. But it's not because "god" wanted him to be in "heaven". It's because he abused his meat bag body and it had genetic faults to start with. Deal. With. It. If he gets better, it's not because everyone prayed and God heard -- it's because the DOCTORS were able to determine the faulty parts and fix them. Tada. Science. Not magic. Not religion.
I picked up my sister's kids yesterday. Good kids. Much more like me than their mom. A little scary, but fun. ;)
Off to do some work, then back to the hospital. If I see "god" while I am out there, I will let you know...
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Y2 D56
Another night spent at the hospital with my brother. They did a serious of tests all day yesterday to determine if his defib unit is infected. They found a major sac of fluid on his lungs. This morning he is going in to have that drained. This and a couple other things they noticed yesterday all point to an infection. He will be in ICU while they try to stop the infection. After that, he will have surgery to replace his current defib unit with an updated model. While he is on the list for a heart transplant, because of his age, weight, and other medical issues (diabetes, etc), he is low on the list. This is why they want to put in a new defib unit. I will be heading over to the hospital again later today.
Fun stuff, eh?
I know this sounds horrible, but hey, this IS my site right? Anyway, I have major catholic guilt right now (the horrible part is making this about myself instead of my brother. Might as well be X1. Humor, it's whats for breakfast...). What guilt? Oh please. How is it that someone like my brother goes through all this and yet this bumble keeps on bouncing? I was talking to my friend who runs the smoke shop yesterday and she said "well remember, only the good die you. So you will live forever, right?". I know she was being cute and trying to make me feel better, but sometimes I wonder the truth to that statement. My mother dies at 35. X1's sister at 41. My brother in the hospital at 38. Cranky old guy you pass on the street? 102. Big ol' WTF on that one.
Other than stressing about my brother, the only other thing yesterday was work. I went in, did some changes to the system reports, waited for validation, came home. No room for anything else. I wanted to see L this week, but things are way to hectic. I am picking up my sister's kids this afternoon to spend a week with me. Who knows, I might take a break tomorrow night. But honestly, right now I want some me time and not even interested in a date.
Fun stuff, eh?
I know this sounds horrible, but hey, this IS my site right? Anyway, I have major catholic guilt right now (the horrible part is making this about myself instead of my brother. Might as well be X1. Humor, it's whats for breakfast...). What guilt? Oh please. How is it that someone like my brother goes through all this and yet this bumble keeps on bouncing? I was talking to my friend who runs the smoke shop yesterday and she said "well remember, only the good die you. So you will live forever, right?". I know she was being cute and trying to make me feel better, but sometimes I wonder the truth to that statement. My mother dies at 35. X1's sister at 41. My brother in the hospital at 38. Cranky old guy you pass on the street? 102. Big ol' WTF on that one.
Other than stressing about my brother, the only other thing yesterday was work. I went in, did some changes to the system reports, waited for validation, came home. No room for anything else. I wanted to see L this week, but things are way to hectic. I am picking up my sister's kids this afternoon to spend a week with me. Who knows, I might take a break tomorrow night. But honestly, right now I want some me time and not even interested in a date.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Y2 D55
Karma you fickle bitch...
Yesterday I was bitching about my brother and how he is five minutes from me but wasn't making time for me... Ok, I get it. I am sorry.
At 2am yesterday my brother was checked into emergency. The defib unit in his chest went off causing him to scream, blackout, and have to be rushed into the hospital. He has heart problems for a while and has had a defib unit in his chest for years. Pretty fucked up situation. Especially since he is younger than me. It's a genetic condition in our family. Our mom died of heart problems at 35. He has the same issues going on right now.
Me? Oh hell no. I am immortal, remember? Seriously, both my brother and my mother also have obesity, diabetes, cholesterol issues, and blood pressure problems. He doesn't take care of himself like he should. He knows better, but he doesn't. For that I can smack him around. I may be fucked in the head, but at least the sugar coating on the outside looks good...
Anyway, he is in ICU right now. They are going to run tests on him today to see if there is an infection on his current unit. If there is, they will pump him full of antibiotics before trying to replace the unit. Once he is healed, he gets a new unit. If there is no infection, they will operate for the new unit right away. Regardless he is now on the short list for a heart transplant.
He is going to be in the hospital for a minimum of 5 days but it could be as long as two - three weeks depending on how he heals up.
Other than that, worked yesterday, tried to call L to setup a date, dealt with some issues on other projects, stressed about my brother.
Whoop de fucking do....
Yesterday I was bitching about my brother and how he is five minutes from me but wasn't making time for me... Ok, I get it. I am sorry.
At 2am yesterday my brother was checked into emergency. The defib unit in his chest went off causing him to scream, blackout, and have to be rushed into the hospital. He has heart problems for a while and has had a defib unit in his chest for years. Pretty fucked up situation. Especially since he is younger than me. It's a genetic condition in our family. Our mom died of heart problems at 35. He has the same issues going on right now.
Me? Oh hell no. I am immortal, remember? Seriously, both my brother and my mother also have obesity, diabetes, cholesterol issues, and blood pressure problems. He doesn't take care of himself like he should. He knows better, but he doesn't. For that I can smack him around. I may be fucked in the head, but at least the sugar coating on the outside looks good...
Anyway, he is in ICU right now. They are going to run tests on him today to see if there is an infection on his current unit. If there is, they will pump him full of antibiotics before trying to replace the unit. Once he is healed, he gets a new unit. If there is no infection, they will operate for the new unit right away. Regardless he is now on the short list for a heart transplant.
He is going to be in the hospital for a minimum of 5 days but it could be as long as two - three weeks depending on how he heals up.
Other than that, worked yesterday, tried to call L to setup a date, dealt with some issues on other projects, stressed about my brother.
Whoop de fucking do....
Monday, July 19, 2010
Y2 D54
Long ass day yesterday. Had to drive the friend back to her mother which meant we were up early, on the road early, and then the long drive back. Pretty much the sum of our day. Got back home and took a nap. From there we went off to the grocery store to pick up some stuff for dinner. I made a pecorino pudding with sweet corn and nectarines on top. Turned out pretty freaking good if you ask me. Plated well also. That made me happy.
That was it. A boring uneventful unexciting day.
In the evening I talked to the kid's grandmother. She half assed apologized for the way she acted the other night when we talked. I told her that maybe it would be best if she actually communicated these things to me instead of the parent who is isn't around or the teenager. She agreed and said she would make sure the information came directly to me. No more than 15 minutes later, the kid gets a text from her aunt arranging all this shit with more details. She looks at me wondering what to do. I told her, text her back that she should call or email this stuff to me. Nothing more, nothing less. Finally like two hours later I got the email. Gee, maybe you should have done that in the first place?
Speaking of X1, the kid and I received this random text from her yesterday. It was a picture of "something". Neither of us could figure it out until we were on facebook later where we saw she posted the same picture. It was some stupid Jack-in-the-Box antenna ball thing. Gee, how about a little context before you send off random stupid text messages?
Whatever.
The other thing I noticed when I was on FB was that she had commented on a post from my brother. What the hell are they doing connected? I am a little pissed at him right now. He is no more than 5 miles away from me visiting the area, but yet he is too busy to get together with me. Kind of pisses me off.
Off to work.
That was it. A boring uneventful unexciting day.
In the evening I talked to the kid's grandmother. She half assed apologized for the way she acted the other night when we talked. I told her that maybe it would be best if she actually communicated these things to me instead of the parent who is isn't around or the teenager. She agreed and said she would make sure the information came directly to me. No more than 15 minutes later, the kid gets a text from her aunt arranging all this shit with more details. She looks at me wondering what to do. I told her, text her back that she should call or email this stuff to me. Nothing more, nothing less. Finally like two hours later I got the email. Gee, maybe you should have done that in the first place?
Speaking of X1, the kid and I received this random text from her yesterday. It was a picture of "something". Neither of us could figure it out until we were on facebook later where we saw she posted the same picture. It was some stupid Jack-in-the-Box antenna ball thing. Gee, how about a little context before you send off random stupid text messages?
Whatever.
The other thing I noticed when I was on FB was that she had commented on a post from my brother. What the hell are they doing connected? I am a little pissed at him right now. He is no more than 5 miles away from me visiting the area, but yet he is too busy to get together with me. Kind of pisses me off.
Off to work.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Y2 D53
I am a bit sore this morning. Not horribly, but enough. I went roller skating last night. Lord have mercy on me. I only fell down twice which given that I haven't been anywhere near skates in 20 years was pretty good. I had fun too. It was a silly thing and gave me a chance to be goofy without the need for alcohol or spending way too much money.
We had a good morning/afternoon too. The kid's new college had an open house in the morning and we headed into the city around 10:30. Took the train which normally wouldn't be bad, but there was a baseball game going on at 6 and everyone was getting in line early to get their bobbleheads. I don't understand sports. Never have, never will. Regardless, the train even at 10:30 was already filled with people drinking and being stupid. We had to stand half of the trip and since none of us shared the camaraderie of our fellow passengers about grown men hitting a stick with a ball, it was annoying.
We got to the school right on time. The tour for her major was just heading out. Perfect. We took the tour, look at everything, then went off for some lunch.
Since I am supremely proud of the kid, we went to Neiman downtown. 7 floors, huge dome roof. We had a perfect lunch. Our timing was impeccable as when we made it back to the train station, we had to wait one minute for the train to leave.
Got back home around 4, took a little rest, then went off to disco skating.
How nice and relaxing a day. So normal and average. Even I need the escape of that.
Late last night I called my friend who I had upset the other day. She accepted my apology. Nothing more needs to be said about it.
Today we are driving the kid's friend home, then doing nothing. I need to do some paperwork but otherwise, nothing.
We had a good morning/afternoon too. The kid's new college had an open house in the morning and we headed into the city around 10:30. Took the train which normally wouldn't be bad, but there was a baseball game going on at 6 and everyone was getting in line early to get their bobbleheads. I don't understand sports. Never have, never will. Regardless, the train even at 10:30 was already filled with people drinking and being stupid. We had to stand half of the trip and since none of us shared the camaraderie of our fellow passengers about grown men hitting a stick with a ball, it was annoying.
We got to the school right on time. The tour for her major was just heading out. Perfect. We took the tour, look at everything, then went off for some lunch.
Since I am supremely proud of the kid, we went to Neiman downtown. 7 floors, huge dome roof. We had a perfect lunch. Our timing was impeccable as when we made it back to the train station, we had to wait one minute for the train to leave.
Got back home around 4, took a little rest, then went off to disco skating.
How nice and relaxing a day. So normal and average. Even I need the escape of that.
Late last night I called my friend who I had upset the other day. She accepted my apology. Nothing more needs to be said about it.
Today we are driving the kid's friend home, then doing nothing. I need to do some paperwork but otherwise, nothing.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Y2 D52
Jim Morrison once said:
I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human, with the soul of a clown which forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Yeah, I know that feeling. I seemed to have blown it twice yesterday. Once was directly my issue, the other not so much. The first one happened because I lashed out at the wrong person. Remember yesterday I said I shared my online profile with some friends to get their feedback? One of the stragglers replied yesterday with some things that weren't very nice. Things that kind of stung frankly. Mostly because I couldn't understand where they were coming from in their comments. Things that made me sound like a monster. I didn't get any of what they were saying from what I wrote. Unfortunately another friend shortly thereafter starting teasing me about something similar and I bit their head off inappropriately. I didn't mean to, but I was still raw from the other person's comments. I sent an apology to the second person, but I don't know if they have read it yet.
What the first person was saying to me was that I am basically an immature overgrown brat who is no good for anyone. All that from a few paragraphs, eh? It's one thing when I self-deprecate; it's another when someone is blunt and rude about it. Especially someone who only knows one side of me. I mean, yeah, I am an overgrown brat, that's not the point. It's how they said it - like it's a bad thing.
The more I dwelt on the comments, the more I realized that in some ways it's a lifestyle difference between myself and this person. We are at VERY different stages in our lives. And frankly I wouldn't be looking for someone like her because of this. I am not interested in her type of personality because I don't want the same things from life. One of the things she said is that my profile reflects someone who is busy and expects my partner to be busy and that they should be in some ways a female equivalent to me. Um, yes? I am not looking to have two or three children and a picket fence. Been there, done that, it's all a fucking lie. So yeah, in some ways, that is EXACTLY what I am looking for in a partner.
Here's how I look at it - (and these are all generalities, so don't read too much into this) women ages 21 - 26 (roughly) are still having fun. They are ok with no commitment and no strings. Drink, play, fuck. This is why I keep ending up in this group. From about 27 - 35 the fairy tale mentality kicks in; time clock is ticking and they start whining for Mr. Perfect. Mr. Stable, Mr. Dad, Mister he needs to meet all my needs and be right and be smart and be funny and be willing to get up at 3 with the kids and golly gee make me so fucking happy. Bullshit. At 35 - 40 they are happy with Mr. Ok. A guy who still might want kids, who has a job, maybe a little flab on him, etc. By 45? They are back in that 21-26 range. Most are divorced or if not divorced they focused on their careers in their 20s and didn't have time for a relationship. These are the ones 45-50 which frankly are the most appropriate for me. If they have kids, they are older. They have some disposable income, they have a brain. Like L that I am going out with next week. She's a perfect example of this demographic.
Ok, I am done. Point of all this, is that I am sorry I lashed out at the wrong person and hope they forgive me.
Now, the second incident. X1's mother. Fucking bitch. Once again I have issues with her. I tried to reach her yesterday to tell her that I don't have the plans for our trip finalized yet. They are trying to get some picture thing done on the 7th of August and needed to know if the kid was going to be there. It's a group picture of all the grandkids. The kid doesn't want to do it but she knows the hell that will come if she didn't. First off there was confusion if it was Friday the 6th or Saturday the 7th. I talked to Grandma last night at 9 to clear that up. When he told me it was Saturday I said good, but I am still trying to finalize our trip. She then starts in with "you don't know how much work my daughter has put into this blah blah fucking blah". No, I don't and I don't care. She then starts in with "I talked to X1 and she said it would be alright". Well how about you talk to ME as the kid is with ME until the end of August? How about asking for my help? I then laid into her about me not seeing my daughter and that this is my time and that I don't owe them a fucking thing. She got pissed off at me and then starts in about how she made an appointment at the dermatologist for the kid -- I stopped her there and said while I appreciate that, you should have checked with me first as that day doesn't work. That too pissed her off. Fuck her. Fuck her and that whole goddamn family. Biggest bunch of narcissistic assholes I have ever met.
Had she shut her fucking mouth for five minutes I was planning on telling her that if she could send me the details I would try to work around it for flight schedules, etc. I was planning on taking a red-eye or very early flight to accommodate being home into time for the picture. But now? Now I don't give a fuck. They can all go screw themselves.
During the day we went to a vintage store and got some clothes for tonight. Oh lordy are we going to be pimping it. This should be interesting. Today we are off to an open house at the university for the kid. I am looking forward to this.
I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human, with the soul of a clown which forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Yeah, I know that feeling. I seemed to have blown it twice yesterday. Once was directly my issue, the other not so much. The first one happened because I lashed out at the wrong person. Remember yesterday I said I shared my online profile with some friends to get their feedback? One of the stragglers replied yesterday with some things that weren't very nice. Things that kind of stung frankly. Mostly because I couldn't understand where they were coming from in their comments. Things that made me sound like a monster. I didn't get any of what they were saying from what I wrote. Unfortunately another friend shortly thereafter starting teasing me about something similar and I bit their head off inappropriately. I didn't mean to, but I was still raw from the other person's comments. I sent an apology to the second person, but I don't know if they have read it yet.
What the first person was saying to me was that I am basically an immature overgrown brat who is no good for anyone. All that from a few paragraphs, eh? It's one thing when I self-deprecate; it's another when someone is blunt and rude about it. Especially someone who only knows one side of me. I mean, yeah, I am an overgrown brat, that's not the point. It's how they said it - like it's a bad thing.
The more I dwelt on the comments, the more I realized that in some ways it's a lifestyle difference between myself and this person. We are at VERY different stages in our lives. And frankly I wouldn't be looking for someone like her because of this. I am not interested in her type of personality because I don't want the same things from life. One of the things she said is that my profile reflects someone who is busy and expects my partner to be busy and that they should be in some ways a female equivalent to me. Um, yes? I am not looking to have two or three children and a picket fence. Been there, done that, it's all a fucking lie. So yeah, in some ways, that is EXACTLY what I am looking for in a partner.
Here's how I look at it - (and these are all generalities, so don't read too much into this) women ages 21 - 26 (roughly) are still having fun. They are ok with no commitment and no strings. Drink, play, fuck. This is why I keep ending up in this group. From about 27 - 35 the fairy tale mentality kicks in; time clock is ticking and they start whining for Mr. Perfect. Mr. Stable, Mr. Dad, Mister he needs to meet all my needs and be right and be smart and be funny and be willing to get up at 3 with the kids and golly gee make me so fucking happy. Bullshit. At 35 - 40 they are happy with Mr. Ok. A guy who still might want kids, who has a job, maybe a little flab on him, etc. By 45? They are back in that 21-26 range. Most are divorced or if not divorced they focused on their careers in their 20s and didn't have time for a relationship. These are the ones 45-50 which frankly are the most appropriate for me. If they have kids, they are older. They have some disposable income, they have a brain. Like L that I am going out with next week. She's a perfect example of this demographic.
Ok, I am done. Point of all this, is that I am sorry I lashed out at the wrong person and hope they forgive me.
Now, the second incident. X1's mother. Fucking bitch. Once again I have issues with her. I tried to reach her yesterday to tell her that I don't have the plans for our trip finalized yet. They are trying to get some picture thing done on the 7th of August and needed to know if the kid was going to be there. It's a group picture of all the grandkids. The kid doesn't want to do it but she knows the hell that will come if she didn't. First off there was confusion if it was Friday the 6th or Saturday the 7th. I talked to Grandma last night at 9 to clear that up. When he told me it was Saturday I said good, but I am still trying to finalize our trip. She then starts in with "you don't know how much work my daughter has put into this blah blah fucking blah". No, I don't and I don't care. She then starts in with "I talked to X1 and she said it would be alright". Well how about you talk to ME as the kid is with ME until the end of August? How about asking for my help? I then laid into her about me not seeing my daughter and that this is my time and that I don't owe them a fucking thing. She got pissed off at me and then starts in about how she made an appointment at the dermatologist for the kid -- I stopped her there and said while I appreciate that, you should have checked with me first as that day doesn't work. That too pissed her off. Fuck her. Fuck her and that whole goddamn family. Biggest bunch of narcissistic assholes I have ever met.
Had she shut her fucking mouth for five minutes I was planning on telling her that if she could send me the details I would try to work around it for flight schedules, etc. I was planning on taking a red-eye or very early flight to accommodate being home into time for the picture. But now? Now I don't give a fuck. They can all go screw themselves.
During the day we went to a vintage store and got some clothes for tonight. Oh lordy are we going to be pimping it. This should be interesting. Today we are off to an open house at the university for the kid. I am looking forward to this.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Y2 D51
Just for the record, I am out there still "dating". I haven't really gone on a date in a month, but I think in part that has to do more with the kid being with me than anything else. I am still on Match, eHarmony, and going to meetup events. Heck, I am even going to a "Disco Roller Skating" event on Saturday. Yeah, I know, I expect to fall down. I will look good at least. Because I always look good. I don't know, it seems like ever since LO came into my life, I have become even pickier and the matches I am getting online don't meet my needs. My memberships are good for a while - April 2011 for eHarmony and through October for Match - but the quality isn't there. I am not being super picky either. They either live 50 miles away from me, or their not the body type I am looking for in a woman. The ones I do like and I email, don't write back. Same issue as before; I am not sure if I am putting the wrong thing in my text, or if it's the pictures, or what, but I don't seem to be getting any responses. As for face to face meetings, I don't know where to go.
Yesterday I sent one of my online profiles to some of my friends for feedback. Is the text ok? How do the pictures look? That kind of thing. The responses were interesting. From the women (yes I sent it to both men and women) I got mostly comments that the text was accurate but they didn't like the picture that was my primary. Ok, fair enough. From the guys it was about the text and some of my profile information. I made a couple of tweaks based on everyone's feedback. Let's see if that garners any response.
Why do I bring all this up? Because ironically I met someone briefly last night and we are going out next week. The kid and her friend went off to explore in the city yesterday and I decided the heck with it, I am going to go have a couple of drinks. I am in a holding pattern today at work because I am waiting for the ETL guy to finish loading data and that means I didn't have to worry about waking up this morning. I went over to my friend's restaurant to chill out and suck up some booze. It should be noted that I have been pretty good this month. With the exception of my birthday and a couple of drinks at home last weekend, I haven't had anything to drink this month. Thirteen out of sixteen days booze free - 81% sobriety for the month. For me, that's pretty good.
Anyway, I meet this woman, L, while I am the bar. We seem to have a lot in common. She is a traveler, no children, good looking, and can hold up her end of a conversation. No real negatives. She is actually older than me which means I don't have to listen to anyone tell me how inappropriate she is for me. I am going to call her this weekend and set up a date for next week. Nothing more nothing less.
I am starting to tire of LO finally. I think she too is tiring of a long distance thing. I can feel it in the tone of our texts lately. I am not going to say any more on that right now until I see how it plays out over the next few days.
Yesterday I sent one of my online profiles to some of my friends for feedback. Is the text ok? How do the pictures look? That kind of thing. The responses were interesting. From the women (yes I sent it to both men and women) I got mostly comments that the text was accurate but they didn't like the picture that was my primary. Ok, fair enough. From the guys it was about the text and some of my profile information. I made a couple of tweaks based on everyone's feedback. Let's see if that garners any response.
Why do I bring all this up? Because ironically I met someone briefly last night and we are going out next week. The kid and her friend went off to explore in the city yesterday and I decided the heck with it, I am going to go have a couple of drinks. I am in a holding pattern today at work because I am waiting for the ETL guy to finish loading data and that means I didn't have to worry about waking up this morning. I went over to my friend's restaurant to chill out and suck up some booze. It should be noted that I have been pretty good this month. With the exception of my birthday and a couple of drinks at home last weekend, I haven't had anything to drink this month. Thirteen out of sixteen days booze free - 81% sobriety for the month. For me, that's pretty good.
Anyway, I meet this woman, L, while I am the bar. We seem to have a lot in common. She is a traveler, no children, good looking, and can hold up her end of a conversation. No real negatives. She is actually older than me which means I don't have to listen to anyone tell me how inappropriate she is for me. I am going to call her this weekend and set up a date for next week. Nothing more nothing less.
I am starting to tire of LO finally. I think she too is tiring of a long distance thing. I can feel it in the tone of our texts lately. I am not going to say any more on that right now until I see how it plays out over the next few days.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Y2 D50
Had trouble sleeping last night. Was too hot when I went to bed. Just could not for the life of me get comfortable. Too much shit on my mind. Then I started dwelling on things and found myself crying for 20 minutes straight. That didn't do much to help me fall asleep.
I was talking with A yesterday for the first time in a while. We started talking about LO. Whereas most people who know me are gentle to avoid hurting my feelings, not A. She is blunt, direct, and not afraid to share her opinion on things. This is why I consider her one of the best people in my life. She basically let me have it to make sure that I didn't hurt LO, what we were doing as far as what this all was, and that we had relations in the first place. It forced me to consider things from a cold truth perspective. The bottom line? I don't know what it is. To think there is going to be some fairy tale moment where we end up together is wishful thinking. How do I let it go? I wish I had the answer to that one. I know that when one or both of us meets someone else local it will be easy to let go, but until then? A warned me about hurting her. I would never intentionally hurt any woman in my life. Ever. I can't do that. It's not in my nature. Unintentionally? I have hurt plenty of people, not just women. So now what? Do I stop texting? Do I not reply when she texts me? Do I get on a plane, go to AZ and talk it out with her face to face? I don't want to ask the obvious question because I don't want to be hurt. I don't want more pain. I like the fantasy. Let me have it please. I promise I won't hurt it. I promise...
After talking with A, I chatted with an old friend - J7(7?, 8? who knows). She asked for my help with an issue she is having with her ex. Of course I agreed to help. There was never any question. It's funny, we recently reconnected which got me to thinking about her. When I first met her, I had just been divorced from X1. I wanted to date her, but she was still married to her husband. Of course we all know I ended up with X2, but since reconnecting, I have been wondering how things would have been had we actually dated. She is now living in another state and in a relationship, but you always have to wonder, "what if". Can't dwell on it, but you can wonder about it.
While we are on the subject, just to add some more fun to the mix, I forget some of the random places x2 and I are still connected. I got a linkedin update around six telling me "x2 has an updated profile " whoop details fucking doo. She finally changed her location to her new state and updated her title. I really don't care (yeah, which is why you are writing about dumbass), but it still stings a little. Like the old sore you thought was healed. X2... the little scratch on the roof of my mouth that would heal if only I could stop tonguing it, but I can't.
Took the girls for burgers last night. Did a little shameless flirting with the waitress just for the hell of it. I need to figure out a way to have more confidence when it comes to those kind of things. It's a long discussion that I don't feel like getting into right now.
I was talking with A yesterday for the first time in a while. We started talking about LO. Whereas most people who know me are gentle to avoid hurting my feelings, not A. She is blunt, direct, and not afraid to share her opinion on things. This is why I consider her one of the best people in my life. She basically let me have it to make sure that I didn't hurt LO, what we were doing as far as what this all was, and that we had relations in the first place. It forced me to consider things from a cold truth perspective. The bottom line? I don't know what it is. To think there is going to be some fairy tale moment where we end up together is wishful thinking. How do I let it go? I wish I had the answer to that one. I know that when one or both of us meets someone else local it will be easy to let go, but until then? A warned me about hurting her. I would never intentionally hurt any woman in my life. Ever. I can't do that. It's not in my nature. Unintentionally? I have hurt plenty of people, not just women. So now what? Do I stop texting? Do I not reply when she texts me? Do I get on a plane, go to AZ and talk it out with her face to face? I don't want to ask the obvious question because I don't want to be hurt. I don't want more pain. I like the fantasy. Let me have it please. I promise I won't hurt it. I promise...
After talking with A, I chatted with an old friend - J7(7?, 8? who knows). She asked for my help with an issue she is having with her ex. Of course I agreed to help. There was never any question. It's funny, we recently reconnected which got me to thinking about her. When I first met her, I had just been divorced from X1. I wanted to date her, but she was still married to her husband. Of course we all know I ended up with X2, but since reconnecting, I have been wondering how things would have been had we actually dated. She is now living in another state and in a relationship, but you always have to wonder, "what if". Can't dwell on it, but you can wonder about it.
While we are on the subject, just to add some more fun to the mix, I forget some of the random places x2 and I are still connected. I got a linkedin update around six telling me "x2 has an updated profile " whoop details fucking doo. She finally changed her location to her new state and updated her title. I really don't care (yeah, which is why you are writing about dumbass), but it still stings a little. Like the old sore you thought was healed. X2... the little scratch on the roof of my mouth that would heal if only I could stop tonguing it, but I can't.
Took the girls for burgers last night. Did a little shameless flirting with the waitress just for the hell of it. I need to figure out a way to have more confidence when it comes to those kind of things. It's a long discussion that I don't feel like getting into right now.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Y2 D49
I got into it a little bit late last night with X2's brother. He pinged me on FB and was asking how things were, yadda yadda, and I gave him a pretty straight forward and truthful answer. He then came back with "gosh, well life is what you make it and if you want it to be good..." or some similar bullshit. I am tired of hearing that from people. Life is NOT always want you make it. Sometimes there are things beyond your control that weigh you down and cause you to not be in the best of places. I am sorry, but that's reality. Sure, I can choose to be smiley and pretend like nothing is going on, yet that would be bullshit. I didn't get this tattoo across my fucking stomach to pretend that life is happy go lucky. Life sucks and we get a small amount of time here to "enjoy" it. Sometimes things are just not good. Instead of running from them, people need to understand that and realize sometimes you have to embrace the bad with the good. He backed down pretty quick when I started hitting him with some of that. I didn't mean to lash out, but I get tired of it.
Took the girls yesterday for a high tea service in the afternoon. The kid's friend had never been to a high tea. I enjoy it. For $19 each where else can you go and feel like someone special enjoying tiny little sandwiches, petit fours, etc. I love a good tea service. Most people think it's a decadent thing, but truth is, it's one of those small inexpensive little pleasures.
From there we went back to Ikea. I finally decided what to put on the blank wall I have had since I moved in here. I picked up six of the squiggly mirrors they sell. They are a little over 5 feet tall and will fill that wall well. I just now need to figure out how to hang them, hang them straight, and not kill myself in the process. I may need to get some help. I might ask my buddy who is REALLY suffering through some financial issues right now if he wants to help. I can buy him some groceries in exchange for helping me out. I decided on the mirrors because it will make the room look bigger this way. I also decided on a place for my records which I have yet to remount since moving in here.
I don't know if I will do any of it this weekend, but that would be the goal. Use Sunday as a Joe Fix-it day around the house.
We watched Pulp Fiction last night for the hell of it. I was reminded of how much both LO and X2 remind me of Uma Thurman. It's pretty clear in my head the type of woman I go for these days. Too bad they don't like guys like me? For dinner, I did a traditional Swiss raclette. I pulled everything out, meat, potatoes, bellpeppers, etc. We sat on the floor eating raclette and watching movies. That was fun.
Today I start new client. It's a pretty big client with a short timeline. I need to knuckle down today and try to exceed expectations. This is the first big project since my fuckup last month. I need to redeem myself.
HA. I need redemption in so many ways it's not even funny...
Took the girls yesterday for a high tea service in the afternoon. The kid's friend had never been to a high tea. I enjoy it. For $19 each where else can you go and feel like someone special enjoying tiny little sandwiches, petit fours, etc. I love a good tea service. Most people think it's a decadent thing, but truth is, it's one of those small inexpensive little pleasures.
From there we went back to Ikea. I finally decided what to put on the blank wall I have had since I moved in here. I picked up six of the squiggly mirrors they sell. They are a little over 5 feet tall and will fill that wall well. I just now need to figure out how to hang them, hang them straight, and not kill myself in the process. I may need to get some help. I might ask my buddy who is REALLY suffering through some financial issues right now if he wants to help. I can buy him some groceries in exchange for helping me out. I decided on the mirrors because it will make the room look bigger this way. I also decided on a place for my records which I have yet to remount since moving in here.
I don't know if I will do any of it this weekend, but that would be the goal. Use Sunday as a Joe Fix-it day around the house.
We watched Pulp Fiction last night for the hell of it. I was reminded of how much both LO and X2 remind me of Uma Thurman. It's pretty clear in my head the type of woman I go for these days. Too bad they don't like guys like me? For dinner, I did a traditional Swiss raclette. I pulled everything out, meat, potatoes, bellpeppers, etc. We sat on the floor eating raclette and watching movies. That was fun.
Today I start new client. It's a pretty big client with a short timeline. I need to knuckle down today and try to exceed expectations. This is the first big project since my fuckup last month. I need to redeem myself.
HA. I need redemption in so many ways it's not even funny...
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Y2 D48
I think it's finally over. I haven't heard from LO since Saturday. I don't like being just dropped like a sack of potatoes, but at the same time I knew this time would come. I am not sure how I feel. Relief? Sadness? Don't know. Ironically I did hear from one of her friends yesterday. He randomly texted me to say hello. How odd is that? It was cool to be thought of, but it was just weird that right at the time she stops, he started. Maybe that was her way of letting it die? I don't know.
Went off to the new client yesterday while the kid and her friend went to the movies. They went off to see Despicable Me. They seemed to enjoy it, but not like bounce up and down enjoyment. More "meh, it was good, but not great". I will see it eventually but don't know if I would pay to see it in the theaters.
Got a ton of emails last night between 10 - 12 regarding the new client. I am supposed to officially start tomorrow, yet the emails are indicating that they may not be ready for me. We will see how much of a day I have with them once I am onsite. Luckily they are less than 3 miles from my house. If I really wanted to I could walk there. Depending on the weather, I might just do that a couple of times for the fun of it.
Went to Ikea last night too to pick up some new shelves for the bathroom. I had one of those cabinet things over the toilet but it finally gave up and broke. I decided to not replace it and instead put up some shelves with some style. Looks much better now. I did some short baby blue shelves with red mounting fixtures. Adds a little color to the bathroom. I am all about the color in the house right now. I don't know what it is, but for the last year I have wanted color. Between the white couch and the red rug, I like the brightness it brings. Maybe that's what it is. I am trying to bring some kind of light and brightness into my dark world. I am tired of the whole Pottery Barn dark east coast look. Just because one is an "adult" it doesn't mean everything has to be made out of dark wood. Lighten things up. Hell, I am even thinking about sanding and re-painting my bed frame because it is too dark. Maybe a light blue.
I also think I may have the trip thing figured out. I asked the kid for some alternate destinations and one of her choices is where a client is located. I floated the idea of me being in town to the IT guy that I would be working with if I was out there and he was excited at the prospect of me being available for a few days. I just need now to call his boss in a couple of hours to see if he agrees to it. If he does, then that means they will cover my flight and part of the hotel. If we left on the Friday, then that gives us Fri, Sat, Sun, and Mon to explore and run around the area together, I go onsite Tues-Fri, then we fly back out Sat or Sun. She gets a few days to explore by herself, I get half the hotel covered plus the flight, bing bang boom. Cross your fingers that this will work. I just need his boss to sign a PO and send it to my boss in the next couple of days to make arrangements.
Had another weird set of dreams last night too. The upside is I am sleeping. The downside is the dreams are getting weirder and weirder. Last night I had ones about my grandmother who has been gone for 15 years, going scuba diving to an underwater community where there was a headshop, and then one where I managed to figure out how to manipulate DNA and reset my body to 10 years younger. Some of those are easy to interpret, the underwater one? Not so much.
Taking the kids to a high tea this afternoon. Looking forward to that.
Went off to the new client yesterday while the kid and her friend went to the movies. They went off to see Despicable Me. They seemed to enjoy it, but not like bounce up and down enjoyment. More "meh, it was good, but not great". I will see it eventually but don't know if I would pay to see it in the theaters.
Got a ton of emails last night between 10 - 12 regarding the new client. I am supposed to officially start tomorrow, yet the emails are indicating that they may not be ready for me. We will see how much of a day I have with them once I am onsite. Luckily they are less than 3 miles from my house. If I really wanted to I could walk there. Depending on the weather, I might just do that a couple of times for the fun of it.
Went to Ikea last night too to pick up some new shelves for the bathroom. I had one of those cabinet things over the toilet but it finally gave up and broke. I decided to not replace it and instead put up some shelves with some style. Looks much better now. I did some short baby blue shelves with red mounting fixtures. Adds a little color to the bathroom. I am all about the color in the house right now. I don't know what it is, but for the last year I have wanted color. Between the white couch and the red rug, I like the brightness it brings. Maybe that's what it is. I am trying to bring some kind of light and brightness into my dark world. I am tired of the whole Pottery Barn dark east coast look. Just because one is an "adult" it doesn't mean everything has to be made out of dark wood. Lighten things up. Hell, I am even thinking about sanding and re-painting my bed frame because it is too dark. Maybe a light blue.
I also think I may have the trip thing figured out. I asked the kid for some alternate destinations and one of her choices is where a client is located. I floated the idea of me being in town to the IT guy that I would be working with if I was out there and he was excited at the prospect of me being available for a few days. I just need now to call his boss in a couple of hours to see if he agrees to it. If he does, then that means they will cover my flight and part of the hotel. If we left on the Friday, then that gives us Fri, Sat, Sun, and Mon to explore and run around the area together, I go onsite Tues-Fri, then we fly back out Sat or Sun. She gets a few days to explore by herself, I get half the hotel covered plus the flight, bing bang boom. Cross your fingers that this will work. I just need his boss to sign a PO and send it to my boss in the next couple of days to make arrangements.
Had another weird set of dreams last night too. The upside is I am sleeping. The downside is the dreams are getting weirder and weirder. Last night I had ones about my grandmother who has been gone for 15 years, going scuba diving to an underwater community where there was a headshop, and then one where I managed to figure out how to manipulate DNA and reset my body to 10 years younger. Some of those are easy to interpret, the underwater one? Not so much.
Taking the kids to a high tea this afternoon. Looking forward to that.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Y2 D47
Not happy this morning. Trying to plan a trip for me and the kid but American keeps telling me I don't have enough points to cover my ticket. It shows that there are flights in my point range but then when I got to book it the system tells me there are no flights in that point range available. Pissing me off. I don't have the extra $500 to pay for both her and my flight. I can do one but not both. Fuck. I have the hotel covered with no problem but not the goddamn flight. I either need another 10,000 points to give me the option of different flights, which I can buy for $350 but at that point I might as well just buy the whole goddamn thing. I am getting pissed off. I don't want to let her down, but I might have to in this case. We may have to pick a different destination. Fuck. I need someone to either lend me $500 or gift me the points. This was going to be our big father-daughter trip too. Dammit. I feel like such a fucking loser.
Yesterday I wanted to just shoot someone. I had to go to X1's sister's 10 year old birthday party. He is not my blood relative but I have known the family for so long and technically he's the Kid's cousin and if I didn't bring her I wouldn't hear the end of it. She didn't want to be there either but we both knew we had to make an appearance or suffer the wrath.
Her grandmother was driving me crazy and I finally at one point had to be stern with her. She gets annoyed when I tell her the kid is 17 years old and doesn't need me to babysit her all day. Grandma wanted me to drive the kid to these different places and I told her she can get on a train while I am work. That didn't go over too well. I finally had to put my foot down and make it clear it wasn't her place to tell me how to raise or handle my child. I was just getting so pissed off. I was there because I am a nice guy not because of any obligation. She needs to remember that. I am not obligated to do a fucking thing. If I choose to not go to their house that's my prerogative. I am being nice. Try not to forget that you pain in the ass.
We were there for what seemed like an eternity. The Kid's friend was handling it better than me or the kid. We both just wanted out. We don't like some of these people. Plus since they are X1's family they of course see me as evil. I am the root of all that has ever gone wrong in her life even if they won't admit it. Or even worse they use me as the scapegoat because it's easier to blame me than it is their own child. Fuck them.
I am rambling a bit aren't I? I am just fucking pissed off this morning. I hate being the one who lets the kid down. I try my hardest to never do that. Dammit. I need to figure out what I can sell in the next 48 hours to come up with either $500 or 10,000 AA points. That or we need to pick a new destination. This is all that is going to be on my mind for the next day. I am supposed to go into a meeting this afternoon. Let's see if that happens or not.
Other than the birthday party, not much else happened yesterday. J called me out of the blue. I think she is missing me in some ways. She is dating an old ex-bf who has an ex-gf that is bugging the shit out of J. I don't know why she calls me - I am not going to tell her what she wants to hear in this case. This boy is 8 years younger than her, the ex-gf 10. How does she expect them to act? They are children compared to her. She needs to stop dating little boys and look for someone more mature. No, not me. I am the pot calling the kettle black, I know. But in this case, I can give the advice, even if I can't follow it.
Fuck what the fuck am I going to do about this fucking trip...
Yesterday I wanted to just shoot someone. I had to go to X1's sister's 10 year old birthday party. He is not my blood relative but I have known the family for so long and technically he's the Kid's cousin and if I didn't bring her I wouldn't hear the end of it. She didn't want to be there either but we both knew we had to make an appearance or suffer the wrath.
Her grandmother was driving me crazy and I finally at one point had to be stern with her. She gets annoyed when I tell her the kid is 17 years old and doesn't need me to babysit her all day. Grandma wanted me to drive the kid to these different places and I told her she can get on a train while I am work. That didn't go over too well. I finally had to put my foot down and make it clear it wasn't her place to tell me how to raise or handle my child. I was just getting so pissed off. I was there because I am a nice guy not because of any obligation. She needs to remember that. I am not obligated to do a fucking thing. If I choose to not go to their house that's my prerogative. I am being nice. Try not to forget that you pain in the ass.
We were there for what seemed like an eternity. The Kid's friend was handling it better than me or the kid. We both just wanted out. We don't like some of these people. Plus since they are X1's family they of course see me as evil. I am the root of all that has ever gone wrong in her life even if they won't admit it. Or even worse they use me as the scapegoat because it's easier to blame me than it is their own child. Fuck them.
I am rambling a bit aren't I? I am just fucking pissed off this morning. I hate being the one who lets the kid down. I try my hardest to never do that. Dammit. I need to figure out what I can sell in the next 48 hours to come up with either $500 or 10,000 AA points. That or we need to pick a new destination. This is all that is going to be on my mind for the next day. I am supposed to go into a meeting this afternoon. Let's see if that happens or not.
Other than the birthday party, not much else happened yesterday. J called me out of the blue. I think she is missing me in some ways. She is dating an old ex-bf who has an ex-gf that is bugging the shit out of J. I don't know why she calls me - I am not going to tell her what she wants to hear in this case. This boy is 8 years younger than her, the ex-gf 10. How does she expect them to act? They are children compared to her. She needs to stop dating little boys and look for someone more mature. No, not me. I am the pot calling the kettle black, I know. But in this case, I can give the advice, even if I can't follow it.
Fuck what the fuck am I going to do about this fucking trip...
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Y2 D46
I had two very bizarre dreams last night. One stayed with me, but the other I lost most of rapidly after waking up. But they both had the same theme and you don't have to be a rocket scientist to interpret them. The first one I was in a some type of prison colony with the kid. Everything was ok and I was complacent letting them screw with me. The minute they started fucking with the kid I went insane and started destroying the place and everyone around me. I had some collar on my neck and ripped it off with my bare hands because they were causing the kid pain. I broke us out of there to be free. The second dream which I only have snippets of left in my head was basically the same thing. I was trapped somehow and needed to get free. I was screaming for freedom. I wanted out more than anything in the world. Like I said, you don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure either one of those out. Gee, I wonder if I am feeling trapped and need to be free from things? Hm. What a wild guess...
Picked up the kid's friend yesterday. She is spending a week with us. She's a good kid too. On the way home we stopped at one of those big outlet malls to try and find Kid a purse. She is the weirdest teenage girl I have ever seen sometimes. She has never liked or wanted to carry a purse, but she keeps forgetting her wallet, her phone, her license, etc. I finally convinced her she needs to start carrying a purse or wearing clothes with pockets. She is picky like her old man though and we went to about 100 different stores trying to find something with no luck. Upside is we walked around outside for quite a while and got in some decent exercise. Always a bright side.
After that we came home and relaxed for a little while. 5 hours of driving will do that to a person. Later on we went over to the grocery store where I grabbed a bottle of absinthe. I was supposed to go to a tasting party from 10pm - 2am but just wasn't in the mood. Instead I bought a bottle for myself, the sugar cubes, and decided it was cheaper and better to stay home. Sometimes I do make smart choices even if on the surface they might not seem that way.
I also bought a bottle of Campari. Nothing like mixing dark and biter with wormwood to see how far it will push the mind.
For the girls I picked up a couple of movies. The Kid has a list of movies she needs to see and True Romance and The Craft are two of them. We also found a copy of Clockwork Orange on sale for $10. Grabbed that too.
Got them home, made them grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. Then I plopped them down on the floor while I started the process of watching sugar cubes drop into a green liquid. Goddamn that stuff is one of the most disgusting tastes on the face of the earth. I love it. Add Campari to the mix with Vermouth and soda... whoo hoo, my brain is fried. Had about a quarter of the bottles last night. But was functional, was at home, and didn't spend 1/3 as much had I gone out and done it in public. Good choices.
Texted with LO again. I would like to see if we can go 24 hours without communique. For more reasons than just "what the hell is this". I need to see how I feel if I don't hear from her. Will I feel any different?
I do need to be free. I need to break all these barriers and do something. I don't know what yet though. I need to find the one thing that will trigger the release. Soon.
Picked up the kid's friend yesterday. She is spending a week with us. She's a good kid too. On the way home we stopped at one of those big outlet malls to try and find Kid a purse. She is the weirdest teenage girl I have ever seen sometimes. She has never liked or wanted to carry a purse, but she keeps forgetting her wallet, her phone, her license, etc. I finally convinced her she needs to start carrying a purse or wearing clothes with pockets. She is picky like her old man though and we went to about 100 different stores trying to find something with no luck. Upside is we walked around outside for quite a while and got in some decent exercise. Always a bright side.
After that we came home and relaxed for a little while. 5 hours of driving will do that to a person. Later on we went over to the grocery store where I grabbed a bottle of absinthe. I was supposed to go to a tasting party from 10pm - 2am but just wasn't in the mood. Instead I bought a bottle for myself, the sugar cubes, and decided it was cheaper and better to stay home. Sometimes I do make smart choices even if on the surface they might not seem that way.
I also bought a bottle of Campari. Nothing like mixing dark and biter with wormwood to see how far it will push the mind.
For the girls I picked up a couple of movies. The Kid has a list of movies she needs to see and True Romance and The Craft are two of them. We also found a copy of Clockwork Orange on sale for $10. Grabbed that too.
Got them home, made them grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. Then I plopped them down on the floor while I started the process of watching sugar cubes drop into a green liquid. Goddamn that stuff is one of the most disgusting tastes on the face of the earth. I love it. Add Campari to the mix with Vermouth and soda... whoo hoo, my brain is fried. Had about a quarter of the bottles last night. But was functional, was at home, and didn't spend 1/3 as much had I gone out and done it in public. Good choices.
Texted with LO again. I would like to see if we can go 24 hours without communique. For more reasons than just "what the hell is this". I need to see how I feel if I don't hear from her. Will I feel any different?
I do need to be free. I need to break all these barriers and do something. I don't know what yet though. I need to find the one thing that will trigger the release. Soon.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Y2 D45
Had a bad X2 dream again last night. Don't know why, wasn't really thinking about her, but there she was in my nightmares. I was trying to figure out why she was late coming home and then it turned out her family was in town but I wasn't being allowed to see them. Odd.
Yesterday was ok. Took the kid to see Predators in the morning. Acceptable film. Very much in the tradition of the first movie. Worth a matinee or a rental. Simple summer popcorn fare. You don't walk into expecting anything highbrow.
After that I had a meeting with a new client which I am starting Wednesday. It's at least two - three weeks of work and it's less than 3 miles from the house. I can handle that.
Only negative thing that happened yesterday is that X1 once again proved how much of a wonderful person she is. I mentioned that my kid got her acceptance letter to college the other day. This is a big deal obviously ESPECIALLY since she hasn't even started her senior year. This is early acceptance people. She is set and doesn't have to stress for the next year. I sent X1 a text with a picture of the acceptance letter. Her response? "I see, that was quick. Financial aid please". Wow. That's your fucking response? She didn't even bother to call the kid to congratulate her. Didn't even TEXT her. Hell, LO, N1, N, R - these people don't even really KNOW my fucking daughter and they send nicer words of congratulations. What the fuck is wrong with that woman??
My head is all a jumble today. Not because of booze or anything foreign. Just because I am not sure what I am doing again. I am still lost in a sea of doubts and questions. Between the shit X1 pulled yesterday, work, financial worries, loneliness, not being sure of what I want... I am all up inside my head. And we know that is never a good thing. I am happy a quiet weekend of relaxing and doing nothing will help sort things out a bit.
Yesterday was ok. Took the kid to see Predators in the morning. Acceptable film. Very much in the tradition of the first movie. Worth a matinee or a rental. Simple summer popcorn fare. You don't walk into expecting anything highbrow.
After that I had a meeting with a new client which I am starting Wednesday. It's at least two - three weeks of work and it's less than 3 miles from the house. I can handle that.
Only negative thing that happened yesterday is that X1 once again proved how much of a wonderful person she is. I mentioned that my kid got her acceptance letter to college the other day. This is a big deal obviously ESPECIALLY since she hasn't even started her senior year. This is early acceptance people. She is set and doesn't have to stress for the next year. I sent X1 a text with a picture of the acceptance letter. Her response? "I see, that was quick. Financial aid please". Wow. That's your fucking response? She didn't even bother to call the kid to congratulate her. Didn't even TEXT her. Hell, LO, N1, N, R - these people don't even really KNOW my fucking daughter and they send nicer words of congratulations. What the fuck is wrong with that woman??
My head is all a jumble today. Not because of booze or anything foreign. Just because I am not sure what I am doing again. I am still lost in a sea of doubts and questions. Between the shit X1 pulled yesterday, work, financial worries, loneliness, not being sure of what I want... I am all up inside my head. And we know that is never a good thing. I am happy a quiet weekend of relaxing and doing nothing will help sort things out a bit.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Y2 D44
My little girl got her college acceptance letter in the mail last night. What a mixed bag of feelings. I am so proud of her. She has earned this and I know she plans to work hard to get her BFA. She is even already planning a course that will get her to a MFA. She wants the bachelor degree in three years so she can have her master's before most people even have finished a single degree. Damn. How the hell did someone as messed up as me raise such a wonderful child?
Of course this now means we have to figure out how to pay for college, but what the hell. A financial planner once told me not to worry about it because if a school wants her they will figure out a way to make sure she can afford it. I need to worry about housing, books, and miscellaneous. The school will work with the Kid to figure out tuition. Ok, I can do that. I started a VUL for her when she was one just for this reason. She has enough banked in there to be able to take care of her books and everything else at least for two if not three years. Beyond that, we will deal with it.
In other news, nothing. Nada, nil, zero, zip, zilch. It was an uneventful boring day which suits me just fine. I was nursing my head mostly and wasn't interested in doing a whole lot anyway.
Today I have a meeting with a client, but otherwise still on bench. This sucks. I am going to be so screwed at the end of the quarter if I don't have enough billable hours banked away. I need to get back on a project or I am going to have some serious issues. All my bills are paid right now thank god, but no buffer yet. I need a damn buffer. I have to look for a new job. I don't really want to do this to my bosses, but if I don't find something that will give me a buffer, I am going to continue to feel this pressure.
Oh, I did get a random call yesterday - the woman who invited me to the equestrian event a couple of weeks ago randomly called me. We talked for like five minutes about nothing in particular and then her phone died. I don't know if she was planning on inviting me to another event or politely giving me the blow off to not show up to another one again. Let's see if she calls back. BTW -- she is married, it's her friends that she wants to fix me up with, but they all seem more interested in a different type of guy. Hell, I will go to another event if she would have me, but I don't have high hopes for what comes of it.
Of course this now means we have to figure out how to pay for college, but what the hell. A financial planner once told me not to worry about it because if a school wants her they will figure out a way to make sure she can afford it. I need to worry about housing, books, and miscellaneous. The school will work with the Kid to figure out tuition. Ok, I can do that. I started a VUL for her when she was one just for this reason. She has enough banked in there to be able to take care of her books and everything else at least for two if not three years. Beyond that, we will deal with it.
In other news, nothing. Nada, nil, zero, zip, zilch. It was an uneventful boring day which suits me just fine. I was nursing my head mostly and wasn't interested in doing a whole lot anyway.
Today I have a meeting with a client, but otherwise still on bench. This sucks. I am going to be so screwed at the end of the quarter if I don't have enough billable hours banked away. I need to get back on a project or I am going to have some serious issues. All my bills are paid right now thank god, but no buffer yet. I need a damn buffer. I have to look for a new job. I don't really want to do this to my bosses, but if I don't find something that will give me a buffer, I am going to continue to feel this pressure.
Oh, I did get a random call yesterday - the woman who invited me to the equestrian event a couple of weeks ago randomly called me. We talked for like five minutes about nothing in particular and then her phone died. I don't know if she was planning on inviting me to another event or politely giving me the blow off to not show up to another one again. Let's see if she calls back. BTW -- she is married, it's her friends that she wants to fix me up with, but they all seem more interested in a different type of guy. Hell, I will go to another event if she would have me, but I don't have high hopes for what comes of it.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Y2 D43
Goddamn my my head is split wide open right now. In a world of pain. Self-inflicted in part. I also hurt myself last night physically not on purpose, and have a huge gash on my leg. More on that in a minute.
Ok, final birthday tally? Here it is:
Total unsolicited birthday greetings from people who know me: 22
Earliest: Kid @ midnight
Earliest text/call/facebook: LO @ 1:16am
Last: 3:36pm from my sister on facebook
Total number of ex-gfs: 6
Texts: 9
Calls: 4
Facebook: 8
IM: 1
Total gifts received: 3, all purchased by myself
Total cards: 0
Total number of people who threw me a party: 0
Total number of people who went out with me last night: 0
Overall birthday happiness? 35%
In the grand scheme of things it was a pretty lousy birthday until I started drinking and then I didn't give a shit. I went through two bottles of wine and an entire bottle of campari to drown the fact that I was alone on my birthday. Not even anyone to stop by and have a drink with me. I asked a couple of people if they wanted to hang out but everyone was busy.
My boss took me to lunch yesterday which was nice and unexpected. It did turn into more of a work and lecture about how I fucked up in AZ but it would appear he has in his own way forgiven me for that issue. At the very least I am happy.
Ended up last night talking to this guy who was a hell of lot smarter than he looked. I think we both kind of realized that while we looked like a couple of psycho drunks, we were pretty intelligent. A kindred spirit if you will. We talked for like two hours until I realized the restaurant was closing and asking us to leave.
I went outside and tried to find a cab but in my not so sober state I probably walked right by a few. Next thing I know I have somehow walked the four miles to my house without finding a cab. I am blank on most of the walk but I remember enough. I did at one point go into McDonald's because I thought I was hungry but the line was too long and I left. I peed on some building at some point.
I am lucky I didn't get arrested for public drunkenness or public indecency, but hell at least I would have probably had a ride home.
The irony is ONE block from my place I tripped and went down. Right on top of my birthday goblet which shattered. Tore my nice jeans, and ended up with a nasty gash on my leg. ONE FUCKING BLOCK. That's karma for you baby.
Upside? That was the first time I had drank in a week. I am going to see if I can go another week now without drinking. Maybe even two...
Ok, final birthday tally? Here it is:
Total unsolicited birthday greetings from people who know me: 22
Earliest: Kid @ midnight
Earliest text/call/facebook: LO @ 1:16am
Last: 3:36pm from my sister on facebook
Total number of ex-gfs: 6
Texts: 9
Calls: 4
Facebook: 8
IM: 1
Total gifts received: 3, all purchased by myself
Total cards: 0
Total number of people who threw me a party: 0
Total number of people who went out with me last night: 0
Overall birthday happiness? 35%
In the grand scheme of things it was a pretty lousy birthday until I started drinking and then I didn't give a shit. I went through two bottles of wine and an entire bottle of campari to drown the fact that I was alone on my birthday. Not even anyone to stop by and have a drink with me. I asked a couple of people if they wanted to hang out but everyone was busy.
My boss took me to lunch yesterday which was nice and unexpected. It did turn into more of a work and lecture about how I fucked up in AZ but it would appear he has in his own way forgiven me for that issue. At the very least I am happy.
Ended up last night talking to this guy who was a hell of lot smarter than he looked. I think we both kind of realized that while we looked like a couple of psycho drunks, we were pretty intelligent. A kindred spirit if you will. We talked for like two hours until I realized the restaurant was closing and asking us to leave.
I went outside and tried to find a cab but in my not so sober state I probably walked right by a few. Next thing I know I have somehow walked the four miles to my house without finding a cab. I am blank on most of the walk but I remember enough. I did at one point go into McDonald's because I thought I was hungry but the line was too long and I left. I peed on some building at some point.
I am lucky I didn't get arrested for public drunkenness or public indecency, but hell at least I would have probably had a ride home.
The irony is ONE block from my place I tripped and went down. Right on top of my birthday goblet which shattered. Tore my nice jeans, and ended up with a nasty gash on my leg. ONE FUCKING BLOCK. That's karma for you baby.
Upside? That was the first time I had drank in a week. I am going to see if I can go another week now without drinking. Maybe even two...
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Y2 D42
It's been one week without any booze. I plan to change that soon. I did it on purpose. I wanted to be in my best drinking shape for tonight. If I am going to spend my birthday alone, I might as well be drunk.
Sat on the bench again yesterday but this time it was ok. I used the time to clean my house from head to toe. Laundry, bathroom, kitchen, everything scrubbed, polished, shined, and cleaned. I feel much better in my own space because of it. Kid did her part and I am happy about that. She didn't put up any arguments either. Just helped me clean. We totally redid her whole room giving her more space and freeing up her closet for her. That was a big one. When I moved in I used her closet as kind of a catch all storage since she wasn't here and I haven't really done anything with it since. I know it pissed her off a bit but she was too kind to say anything to me. I felt good taking care of that for her.
Tore my room apart as well. Made my space more livable and functional. Too bad I didn't sleep in it last night. I tried to go to bed, but it didn't work out. Slept from 12:30 until 1:15 and then drifted on the couch from 3 until 6.
Today stands to be very interesting. I will give full details from midnight on tomorrow. So far some things have already happened. Not bad for only seven hours into it...
Sat on the bench again yesterday but this time it was ok. I used the time to clean my house from head to toe. Laundry, bathroom, kitchen, everything scrubbed, polished, shined, and cleaned. I feel much better in my own space because of it. Kid did her part and I am happy about that. She didn't put up any arguments either. Just helped me clean. We totally redid her whole room giving her more space and freeing up her closet for her. That was a big one. When I moved in I used her closet as kind of a catch all storage since she wasn't here and I haven't really done anything with it since. I know it pissed her off a bit but she was too kind to say anything to me. I felt good taking care of that for her.
Tore my room apart as well. Made my space more livable and functional. Too bad I didn't sleep in it last night. I tried to go to bed, but it didn't work out. Slept from 12:30 until 1:15 and then drifted on the couch from 3 until 6.
Today stands to be very interesting. I will give full details from midnight on tomorrow. So far some things have already happened. Not bad for only seven hours into it...
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Y2 D41
It's been a month since I met you yet it feels like a lifetime. Some how in one month you managed to throw off everything I thought I had figured out. You changed my perception of what I was doing and why I was doing it. Before you I was ready to cave in and accept things. I had given up fighting for what I believed in again. No matter what happens, no matter where life takes either of us from this point forward, I am in your debt. You woke me back up and made me realize that I can have everything I want if I really want it bad enough. I don't have to be who they tell me to be. I don't have to settle for something I don't really want just because I am afraid of being alone. Thank you for that. You will always have a special place in my heart and my head for what you have done for and to me. Some day many years from now, you will have forgotten me but I won't care because you will be as fresh to me as the day we met.
Yesterday was uneventful. Holiday here and many things were closed. Ran a few errands with the Kid and then had Persian for dinner. Didn't feel like cooking. I don't really have much to say about yesterday as it wasn't a very exciting day. Sorry to disappoint, but that's what I do, remember? I let everyone down eventually. It's the way of the world.
My ear is still bothering me, but it's better. Three more days of drops.
Tomorrow is my birthday. They say men tend to die or kill themselves the day after their birthday because they want to know they made it to yet another year before giving up where as women dread the thought of being another year older they tend to go right before their birthday. I am in limbo regardless. 24 hours of nothing.
Things are grey today. Inside and out. Cold, gray, and nasty. Fitting, eh?
Yesterday was uneventful. Holiday here and many things were closed. Ran a few errands with the Kid and then had Persian for dinner. Didn't feel like cooking. I don't really have much to say about yesterday as it wasn't a very exciting day. Sorry to disappoint, but that's what I do, remember? I let everyone down eventually. It's the way of the world.
My ear is still bothering me, but it's better. Three more days of drops.
Tomorrow is my birthday. They say men tend to die or kill themselves the day after their birthday because they want to know they made it to yet another year before giving up where as women dread the thought of being another year older they tend to go right before their birthday. I am in limbo regardless. 24 hours of nothing.
Things are grey today. Inside and out. Cold, gray, and nasty. Fitting, eh?
Monday, July 5, 2010
Y2 D40
Slept like a psychoholic mess last night. Can't even begin to call it sleep. When you find yourself waking in the night sweats every fifteen minutes, it really doesn't qualify now does it? My head hurts because of my ear, my dreams were all over the map, and my back hurts. Thank the stars today is a holiday and I don't have to do shit.
Two more days until my birthday. Big fucking deal. Another year older, another day closer to death, if I am lucky, but first a full stop at Insanity Town.
Was American last night -- ate too much food and blew shit up. Whoo fucking hoo.
Spent the first part of the day waiting for a doctor to show up at the redi-clinic to look at my ear and tell me what I already knew. Then had to wait two hours for a pharmacist to grab a bottle of drops from a shelf and put them in a bag. You'd think they could do things like that in five minutes. If I were doing their job, I think I would look at the prescriptions in front of me and take care of the ones that don't involve anything first. I get it if you have to count pills, etc. But to go to a single fucking shelf, grab drops, and put them in a bag shouldn't take two goddamn hours.
Weighed in at the doctor's at 164. I guess that's good? I put on five lbs in the last month. My blood pressure is right where it is supposed to be. The nurse was impressed that I could tell her what it was within three points before she even took the reading.
Made hot dogs, hamburgers, corn on the cob, and tater tots for the child. I ate too, but it was out reflex not desire. In some ways I can't wait until she goes back home and I can stop eating again.
For the record, 5 days with no alcohol. Not for any reason other than I want to dry out. I tend to do this - dry out the week or two before my birthday. That way I can drink without guilt on that day. This year? Meh. Who cares.
I think today will involve a ride to Target. No real reason other than getting out of the house.
Two more days until my birthday. Big fucking deal. Another year older, another day closer to death, if I am lucky, but first a full stop at Insanity Town.
Was American last night -- ate too much food and blew shit up. Whoo fucking hoo.
Spent the first part of the day waiting for a doctor to show up at the redi-clinic to look at my ear and tell me what I already knew. Then had to wait two hours for a pharmacist to grab a bottle of drops from a shelf and put them in a bag. You'd think they could do things like that in five minutes. If I were doing their job, I think I would look at the prescriptions in front of me and take care of the ones that don't involve anything first. I get it if you have to count pills, etc. But to go to a single fucking shelf, grab drops, and put them in a bag shouldn't take two goddamn hours.
Weighed in at the doctor's at 164. I guess that's good? I put on five lbs in the last month. My blood pressure is right where it is supposed to be. The nurse was impressed that I could tell her what it was within three points before she even took the reading.
Made hot dogs, hamburgers, corn on the cob, and tater tots for the child. I ate too, but it was out reflex not desire. In some ways I can't wait until she goes back home and I can stop eating again.
For the record, 5 days with no alcohol. Not for any reason other than I want to dry out. I tend to do this - dry out the week or two before my birthday. That way I can drink without guilt on that day. This year? Meh. Who cares.
I think today will involve a ride to Target. No real reason other than getting out of the house.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Y2 D39
Went to bed at 4. But for once it was for a good reason. Had some outstanding Father/Daughter time yesterday. Let's see if I can remember the whole day...
Started off simple enough, got up early and started making ribs for the night. 8 hours of slow cooking. Had them in by 10am. After that kind of putzed around until the kid got out of bed. Somewhere around noon I think it was. Then we went off to run some errands. Nothing major, just some little things like mail a letter, pick up a couple of CDs we have been wanting. For those who are Nirvana fans, we found the five CD set of Outcesticide recently and they guy held on to them for us. Rare, demos, bootlegs, etc. Almost 200 tracks that most people have never heard before. I also got a Johnny Cash CD for $5. American III. After that we went and had Filipino food for lunch. I had pork knuckles and she had some strange noodles. From there, a couple more little errands, including picking up a scale for me to weigh things in grams (for cooking you idiot), and back home by 3ish.
It was while we were out she remembered that one of the local theaters was doing a RHPS show at midnight. Rocky Horror Picture Show for you virgins. She was all excited and asking if we could go - um, duh? Why not?
This btw is the kind of thing that made me rethink my relationship with N1. Last minute, midnight showing of RHPS. Let's do it. Her? Probably not so much. Not her kind of thing. She would have felt (or at least my perception of her leads me to think) very much out of place.
We had our ribs, which were awesome btw. Then we watched cops just because, played some video games and headed out.
Ok, here's where the fun started. We got there about 11:15 and we were probably 10th or so in line. I haven't done an RHPS in so long. I forgot how crazy things can get. We had a blast. I took a ton of pictures of the cast. Posting them soon.
All in all? A good day. A "normal" day. A day I didn't feel like I was drowning. Nice.
This morning I have an ear infection and have to hit the clinic at 1pm, but that's minor. I can deal with that. Then tonight? We blow shit up because it's American!
Started off simple enough, got up early and started making ribs for the night. 8 hours of slow cooking. Had them in by 10am. After that kind of putzed around until the kid got out of bed. Somewhere around noon I think it was. Then we went off to run some errands. Nothing major, just some little things like mail a letter, pick up a couple of CDs we have been wanting. For those who are Nirvana fans, we found the five CD set of Outcesticide recently and they guy held on to them for us. Rare, demos, bootlegs, etc. Almost 200 tracks that most people have never heard before. I also got a Johnny Cash CD for $5. American III. After that we went and had Filipino food for lunch. I had pork knuckles and she had some strange noodles. From there, a couple more little errands, including picking up a scale for me to weigh things in grams (for cooking you idiot), and back home by 3ish.
It was while we were out she remembered that one of the local theaters was doing a RHPS show at midnight. Rocky Horror Picture Show for you virgins. She was all excited and asking if we could go - um, duh? Why not?
This btw is the kind of thing that made me rethink my relationship with N1. Last minute, midnight showing of RHPS. Let's do it. Her? Probably not so much. Not her kind of thing. She would have felt (or at least my perception of her leads me to think) very much out of place.
We had our ribs, which were awesome btw. Then we watched cops just because, played some video games and headed out.
Ok, here's where the fun started. We got there about 11:15 and we were probably 10th or so in line. I haven't done an RHPS in so long. I forgot how crazy things can get. We had a blast. I took a ton of pictures of the cast. Posting them soon.
All in all? A good day. A "normal" day. A day I didn't feel like I was drowning. Nice.
This morning I have an ear infection and have to hit the clinic at 1pm, but that's minor. I can deal with that. Then tonight? We blow shit up because it's American!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Y2 D38
I watched Se7en last night with the Kid. She has a list of about 50 - 75 movies she has decided she has to see. Most of them are classics like "The Godfather" or "Citizen Kane" but then she has some crap on there like "Evil Bong" (which we watched last week btw and is so god awful we cracked up the entire time). Out of her list I probably own 25 or so of the movies. We have them all sitting by the TV to watch while she is here this summer. Se7en is one of them.
Point? For those who remember the movie, when they go into John Doe's place, Somerset finds the notebooks. He starts reading from them to Mills -- "I was on the subway today and this man tried to make small talk". Made me wonder if what I am doing here is nothing more than an updated modern version of an insane man writing line after line in a notebook. My last year's worth of entries came out to 290,000 words. How many notebooks would that have filled? Did I say anything in there that was worth reading or even putting down in type in the first place?
Is there anything in these ramblings that is worth "saving" for posterity? I think the only difference between me and John Doe is I am not shooting for illusions of grandeur. I do this mostly for me, not for any of you. Hell I don't even know how many or who is reading this anymore. I don't really care. It helps me. If I can keep looking in the mirror and questioning my sanity then I must still be sane, right? Please tell me I am right...
Other than watching the movie with the kid yesterday the most exciting thing that happened was that I bought a toaster oven. I don't make toast or things like toast. But since the kid is here she has wanted frozen waffles, toast, bagels, etc. I caved in and got a toaster oven yesterday for her. Once she leaves, I will pack it up and stick it in the storage unit. I wonder how skinny I can get before it has adverse effects on my health. 20 more lbs? 30? Funny that if I continue to lose weight it will be more socially acceptable than if I decided to go the other way.
Cut of your nose to spite your face.
Still stuck inside my head. Still falling slowly. Feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole.
Point? For those who remember the movie, when they go into John Doe's place, Somerset finds the notebooks. He starts reading from them to Mills -- "I was on the subway today and this man tried to make small talk". Made me wonder if what I am doing here is nothing more than an updated modern version of an insane man writing line after line in a notebook. My last year's worth of entries came out to 290,000 words. How many notebooks would that have filled? Did I say anything in there that was worth reading or even putting down in type in the first place?
Is there anything in these ramblings that is worth "saving" for posterity? I think the only difference between me and John Doe is I am not shooting for illusions of grandeur. I do this mostly for me, not for any of you. Hell I don't even know how many or who is reading this anymore. I don't really care. It helps me. If I can keep looking in the mirror and questioning my sanity then I must still be sane, right? Please tell me I am right...
Other than watching the movie with the kid yesterday the most exciting thing that happened was that I bought a toaster oven. I don't make toast or things like toast. But since the kid is here she has wanted frozen waffles, toast, bagels, etc. I caved in and got a toaster oven yesterday for her. Once she leaves, I will pack it up and stick it in the storage unit. I wonder how skinny I can get before it has adverse effects on my health. 20 more lbs? 30? Funny that if I continue to lose weight it will be more socially acceptable than if I decided to go the other way.
Cut of your nose to spite your face.
Still stuck inside my head. Still falling slowly. Feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Y2 D37
I wish there was a way I could explain this to all of you so you'd understand. This isn't just a slump or me being sorry for myself. This is a form of depression. It's internal as I am able to fake it on the outside for the most part. It's only here and some rare other times that I allow it to come to the surface. Always put on a smile for the crowd because that's what the crowd expects to see.
To be blunt, no I don't have anyone to spend my birthday with this year. I am not "home" anymore. All the relationships I managed to create and enjoy in the last year, no matter how surface they may have been, I don't have this year. I am in a "new" place without the same connections I had long ago. I am miles from an ocean, my camera is broken and I can't afford a replacement, I have no interest in any hobbies, and feel like part of me is missing.
With all that, why should I be excited about my birthday? It's on a Wednesday, I have no money, can't do anything, and no one to do it with. Whoop dee fucking doo.
The bigger problem is that I realize that while the current issue may be my birthday, it extends to my entire life. I won't feel any different the day after. Instead I will feel even worse because I will be one year older. And everything else will still be there.
I know I have to be around for the kid for a while, don't get me wrong. I won't leave her to her mother's world quite yet. But when she is on her own, living her life, then she won't need me. Right now she is about the only who does and I feel like I am letting her down every day because I can't do the things I want to do for her.
Don't tell me to get out of town, change my scenery, go for a walk, blah blah blah. It's all the same. It's the same vicious spiral. Unless you have ever been this far back into your own head to see the dark places that no one else is supposed to see, you don't understand. A day in the sun isn't going to make my problems go away. Nor is drinking, drugs, or cheap women -- but they sure make the pain bearable some days.
Side note, I haven't had anything to drink in two days. I know big deal, but to me it is. To me it's a good sign to know I have enough booze in the house to choke an elephant and I don't have any interest in drinking it. Nor do I have any plans to drink it. That's probably the only positive I have right now.
I haven't work in two days and no work means no pay. I can't go looking for a new job because I am under contract and if I break this contract I would owe them $10,000. Unless I find someone who is willing to pay me a starting bonus to break the contract, I have to keep going. You know, the sad part is, if I wasn't stressed about how much I was or wasn't getting paid at my job, I would actually enjoy it. For the most part I like what I do (for the most part) but I am constantly worried which doesn't allow me any pleasure.
Ok, that's enough.
To be blunt, no I don't have anyone to spend my birthday with this year. I am not "home" anymore. All the relationships I managed to create and enjoy in the last year, no matter how surface they may have been, I don't have this year. I am in a "new" place without the same connections I had long ago. I am miles from an ocean, my camera is broken and I can't afford a replacement, I have no interest in any hobbies, and feel like part of me is missing.
With all that, why should I be excited about my birthday? It's on a Wednesday, I have no money, can't do anything, and no one to do it with. Whoop dee fucking doo.
The bigger problem is that I realize that while the current issue may be my birthday, it extends to my entire life. I won't feel any different the day after. Instead I will feel even worse because I will be one year older. And everything else will still be there.
I know I have to be around for the kid for a while, don't get me wrong. I won't leave her to her mother's world quite yet. But when she is on her own, living her life, then she won't need me. Right now she is about the only who does and I feel like I am letting her down every day because I can't do the things I want to do for her.
Don't tell me to get out of town, change my scenery, go for a walk, blah blah blah. It's all the same. It's the same vicious spiral. Unless you have ever been this far back into your own head to see the dark places that no one else is supposed to see, you don't understand. A day in the sun isn't going to make my problems go away. Nor is drinking, drugs, or cheap women -- but they sure make the pain bearable some days.
Side note, I haven't had anything to drink in two days. I know big deal, but to me it is. To me it's a good sign to know I have enough booze in the house to choke an elephant and I don't have any interest in drinking it. Nor do I have any plans to drink it. That's probably the only positive I have right now.
I haven't work in two days and no work means no pay. I can't go looking for a new job because I am under contract and if I break this contract I would owe them $10,000. Unless I find someone who is willing to pay me a starting bonus to break the contract, I have to keep going. You know, the sad part is, if I wasn't stressed about how much I was or wasn't getting paid at my job, I would actually enjoy it. For the most part I like what I do (for the most part) but I am constantly worried which doesn't allow me any pleasure.
Ok, that's enough.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Y2 D36
What do I want from life?
To kidnap an heiress or threaten her with a knife?
Yeah sure. My birthday is in a week and I don't give a shit. First time ever in my life I don't care about my birthday. By this point I would have been sending emails and writing on walls how many hours are left until the day. This year? Fuck it. The best gift I could give to everyone else would be to disappear and stay out of their lives for good.
What DO I want from life?
A meaningless love affair with a girl I met last night?
Last year, I didn't feel so alone. I spent my birthday running around Disneyland with my then girlfriend and the Kid plus one of her friends. I felt like I had a connection to the world. This year, right at this moment I have never felt so disconnected.
The day yesterday was uneventful for the most part. Went back to the client, did some work for them. Spent like 4 hours on site. I did late yesterday get word on my new project. Less than 5 miles from home and at least a month if not two worth of work.
What DO I WANT from life?
Someone to love and somebody I can trust?
Best gift I could get? For LO to show up at the airport on my birthday, fuck my brains out, then get right back on a plane the next morning. No hassle no fuss. Yeah like THAT is going to happen. Hell, I don't even know what's going on with that any more. The distance, the age difference, the life differences, they are all starting to come into focus. For both of us. Something has to give one way or the other. Tired of being a long distance friend. Need something more, one way or another. Once again I found myself texting between 1 and 3am with her. No sleep, just random texts. The closest relationship I have with a woman is 750 miles away and electronic. Nice.
Reality of my birthday? No one will be there. I will be alone. I will spend the day by myself. I will share it with the Kid, but you know what I mean. I won't have anyone to truly share it with. I have so few people I can call friend and none of them are nearby. Nor will none of them travel to see me. They have their own lives and I am just not that important - to anyone. Anymore. Was I ever? Was it all pretend? From everyone?
I wish I could come to terms with things in my daily life. How hard is it for me to find someone? Why is it so hard for me to find someone? I do feel I have a lot to offer. Everyone gives me crap about my lifestyle, how I live, that I am just playing, etc. But they refuse to acknowledge that I *DO* want a relationship. I would be very happy in the RIGHT relationship with the RIGHT person. Someone who can accept me, my lifestyle, my quirks, my drinking, my attitude, my everything. I would give the right woman the world. Of course, I said that to X2 once and she said "yeah, but I would have to pay the bill later". Bitch. I mean don't get me wrong, in some ways she was right, but she is still a bitch.
Am I good person? I sometimes don't know. I don't know what I am doing anymore. This is why I want to go away forever. As soon as the kid is old enough to be on her own and not need me, it will be time for me to disappear. Save me and I will save you. Can I be saved? Is there time? Is there hope? I am losing hope at a faster rate each day, each hour.
WHAT DO I WANT FROM LIFE???
Well you can't have that...
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