Y2 D37

I wish there was a way I could explain this to all of you so you'd understand. This isn't just a slump or me being sorry for myself. This is a form of depression. It's internal as I am able to fake it on the outside for the most part. It's only here and some rare other times that I allow it to come to the surface. Always put on a smile for the crowd because that's what the crowd expects to see.

To be blunt, no I don't have anyone to spend my birthday with this year. I am not "home" anymore. All the relationships I managed to create and enjoy in the last year, no matter how surface they may have been, I don't have this year. I am in a "new" place without the same connections I had long ago. I am miles from an ocean, my camera is broken and I can't afford a replacement, I have no interest in any hobbies, and feel like part of me is missing.

With all that, why should I be excited about my birthday? It's on a Wednesday, I have no money, can't do anything, and no one to do it with. Whoop dee fucking doo.

The bigger problem is that I realize that while the current issue may be my birthday, it extends to my entire life. I won't feel any different the day after. Instead I will feel even worse because I will be one year older. And everything else will still be there.

I know I have to be around for the kid for a while, don't get me wrong. I won't leave her to her mother's world quite yet. But when she is on her own, living her life, then she won't need me. Right now she is about the only who does and I feel like I am letting her down every day because I can't do the things I want to do for her.

Don't tell me to get out of town, change my scenery, go for a walk, blah blah blah. It's all the same. It's the same vicious spiral. Unless you have ever been this far back into your own head to see the dark places that no one else is supposed to see, you don't understand. A day in the sun isn't going to make my problems go away. Nor is drinking, drugs, or cheap women -- but they sure make the pain bearable some days.

Side note, I haven't had anything to drink in two days. I know big deal, but to me it is. To me it's a good sign to know I have enough booze in the house to choke an elephant and I don't have any interest in drinking it. Nor do I have any plans to drink it. That's probably the only positive I have right now.

I haven't work in two days and no work means no pay. I can't go looking for a new job because I am under contract and if I break this contract I would owe them $10,000. Unless I find someone who is willing to pay me a starting bonus to break the contract, I have to keep going. You know, the sad part is, if I wasn't stressed about how much I was or wasn't getting paid at my job, I would actually enjoy it. For the most part I like what I do (for the most part) but I am constantly worried which doesn't allow me any pleasure.

Ok, that's enough.