Y2 D50

Had trouble sleeping last night. Was too hot when I went to bed. Just could not for the life of me get comfortable. Too much shit on my mind. Then I started dwelling on things and found myself crying for 20 minutes straight. That didn't do much to help me fall asleep.

I was talking with A yesterday for the first time in a while. We started talking about LO. Whereas most people who know me are gentle to avoid hurting my feelings, not A. She is blunt, direct, and not afraid to share her opinion on things. This is why I consider her one of the best people in my life. She basically let me have it to make sure that I didn't hurt LO, what we were doing as far as what this all was, and that we had relations in the first place. It forced me to consider things from a cold truth perspective. The bottom line? I don't know what it is. To think there is going to be some fairy tale moment where we end up together is wishful thinking. How do I let it go? I wish I had the answer to that one. I know that when one or both of us meets someone else local it will be easy to let go, but until then? A warned me about hurting her. I would never intentionally hurt any woman in my life. Ever. I can't do that. It's not in my nature. Unintentionally? I have hurt plenty of people, not just women. So now what? Do I stop texting? Do I not reply when she texts me? Do I get on a plane, go to AZ and talk it out with her face to face? I don't want to ask the obvious question because I don't want to be hurt. I don't want more pain. I like the fantasy. Let me have it please. I promise I won't hurt it. I promise...

After talking with A, I chatted with an old friend - J7(7?, 8? who knows). She asked for my help with an issue she is having with her ex. Of course I agreed to help. There was never any question. It's funny, we recently reconnected which got me to thinking about her. When I first met her, I had just been divorced from X1. I wanted to date her, but she was still married to her husband. Of course we all know I ended up with X2, but since reconnecting, I have been wondering how things would have been had we actually dated. She is now living in another state and in a relationship, but you always have to wonder, "what if". Can't dwell on it, but you can wonder about it.

While we are on the subject, just to add some more fun to the mix, I forget some of the random places x2 and I are still connected. I got a linkedin update around six telling me "x2 has an updated profile "  whoop details fucking doo. She finally changed her location to her new state and updated her title. I really don't care (yeah, which is why you are writing about dumbass), but it still stings a little. Like the old sore you thought was healed. X2... the little scratch on the roof of my mouth that would heal if only I could stop tonguing it, but I can't.

Took the girls for burgers last night. Did a little shameless flirting with the waitress just for the hell of it. I need to figure out a way to have more confidence when it comes to those kind of things. It's a long discussion that I don't feel like getting into right now.